Gossip Girl: The Never-Ending Seder

This week on Gossip Girl there are accidental marriages, biting ballerinas, and a giant elephant in the room named Gabriel.It starts with a dream. Blair is a poor British (I think) gal trying to sell flowers to patrons in an upscale restaurant to make money for Yale. She approaches one couple only to find…herself! Rich, snooty Blair is having dinner with Nate at the yuppy restaurant, and she’s quick to tell poor Blair how disgusting she is.

Rich Blair: You think you’re going to Yale, fool? Wake up!

Poor Blair: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Thank God she wakes up from the dream. I can’t handle a world with two Blairs. As she looks over at her nightstand she sees the invitation to Nate’s cousin’s wedding. A grinchy smile spreads across her face.

Later in the kitchen, Blair bores that teacher from Clueless her stepfather with old photos of her and Nate. Cyrus is preparing for the Passover Seder that night, which Blair is not attending. She has more important things to do like attend Tripp Vanderbilt’s wedding rehearsal. She has a sneaking suspicion that the bride-to-be is going help her get into some Super Elite Committee that will send her social status sky rocketing. Her mother, Eleanor, tells her to think about her future. Cyrus says he can get her into NYU.

Blair: NYU is for partial lesbians and Toni Morrison fans. I’m going to be Jacki O.

Blair’s Mom: God, I’ve created a monster.

Serena finally arrives home from her impromptu trip to Spain with Poppy and Gabriel (Poppy’s boyfriend). Chuck pries and Serena tells him she did a lot of reading and swimming. He suspects she did more. In fact he saw Poppy at a bar last week. How could she be in two places at once? Chuck is also getting his groove on with a variety of ladies–baristas, synchronized swimmers, ballerinas.

“So you found a way to get over Blair,” says Serena.

And Chuck replies, “I’m a 17-year-old billionaire with tremendous stamina.”

Okay, as much as I hate Chuck, that line is pretty awesome. Maybe he’s growing on me. Like a barnacle or an ingrown hair.

Blair and Nate smooch on the church steps then make small talk before Nate finally tells her the big news. Here we go. Here’s Blair’s big surprise!

Nate: I got into Columbia.

Blair: Yay.

Nate: I just wanted to try and get into a college without my grandfather’s help. Blah blah blah grandpa blah blah blah Yale blah blah blah family stuff blabitty blah.

Blair: Cool.

He’s honestly torn between Yale and Columbia. Oh, here comes Tripp’s bride, Maureen. She breaks the news that the Fancy Important Committee didn’t accept Blair because she’s too new on the scene. They chose one of Maureen’s bridesmaids instead. FYI Grandpa Vanderbilt picked the bridesmaids. Blair is crushed. Don’t worry, Maureen assures her. “When it comes to these things, it takes a while to start to matter.”

Another great line! Ha! I can’t believe she’d actually say that to her face. If I ever own a company, I’m gonna write “it takes a while to start to matter” in the employee handbook. Maureen and Chuck are now neck and neck for best line in the episode.

Back at the poor kids home, Jenny and her science partner, Wes, are working on the same science project we all did in the first grade where you put some plants in a dark closet and others in the sunlight. Guess which one looks healthier? Wes leaves and Jenny confesses to Dan that she is trying to get him to like her. I’ve only seen a few seconds of him, but he seems to have zero personality. Good luck with that, Jenny. Rufus walks into the room, defeated.

Ruf: No one wants art. I’m broke.

Dan: Please let me help pay for Yale. I’m sure I’ll find a temporary job in this terrible economy where I’ll be able to save up enough money for Yale next year. Can I, Pops? Can I?

Ruf: No. I’m going with Lily to buy a lamp. My life is wonderful.

Rufus leaves and Jenny mentions to Dan that Wes’ mom owns a catering company. This would be a great way to get Wes to like her. Plus, after months of working as a waiter, Dan will have saved up enough money to buy a book for his Intro to Journalism class. Win-win!

The wedding rehearsal trots along as Blair watches from the sidelines. Grandpa Vanderbilt sits down next to her (a little too closely if you ask me) and asks her what she knows about Nate going to Columbia. She tells him she knows little, just that he’s proud to have gotten in.

Gramps: Tell him to go to Yale.

Blair: Um, it’s not really up to me.

Gramps: Did you get into that Fancy Pants Committee for Socialites?

Blair: No, they rejected me.

Gramps: I’ll get you in. Now convince Nate to go to Yale.

Blair: Okay, but I want to be a bridesmaid too.

Gramps: Done.

He escorts her to the front of the church where the wedding rehearsal is going on. I’m so bummed it ends right there because I would have loved to watch that scene awkwardly unfold. Grandpa V probably dumps off Blair and says something like, “You forgot one.” I imagine the wedding coordinator freaking out because the numbers don’t match. You do NOT want to upset a wedding coordinator. Those bitches are feisty.

Eleanor and Cyrus run around their kitchen, preparing the feast for the evening and wondering why Dorota was given the night off. Cyrus’ phone rings and Serena is on the other line asking for a lawyer. Now it’s getting good. So something went down in Spain that is now pushing her to get a lawyer. Framed for drug smuggling? Burned her mouth on a cup of hot Spanish coffee? What could it be?

Something bad happened.

Rufus and Lily arrive home after a long afternoon of shoe shopping. Lily yacks about shoes while Rufus yacks about art and money and Dan’s tuition. The usual. Then Serena enters the room. This is the first time Lily has seen her since she left for Spain. Rufus leaves the two alone to duke it out, although there’s not much to say.

Serena: I know you’re mad, Mom. I’m lost.

Lily: I’m furious and you’re being the old Serena and I hate the old Serena and you’re grounded.

Lily storms off and Serena does what she always does in a crisis. She calls Blair and they both talk about their lives without listening to the other one. Blair gushes about her acceptance into the Vanderbilt Bridesmaid Clan as she gets fitted for her dress. “I’m the chosen one!” she declares. “I’ve reached the Vanderbilt promised land.” Not quite as good my other two favorite lines in the episode, but it at least deserves runner-up status. Serena says she has to run errands and gets in the elevator. Ta ta for now! Wait, isn’t she grounded?

Meanwhile, Dan did score a catering job. He talks and talks and talks the ear off of the other caterer girl because he’s nervous about the job and even more nervous that he lied to his dad about getting a job. She couldn’t care less. Dan looks up at the building and it hits him. It’s the Waldorf building. Blair’s mom walks up to him and sure enough, he’ll be waiting tables at their Seder. He begs for them to send him home. There is no way he can serve food to Blair.

Eleanor: She wont’ be here. Plus I don’t care and you have to work for me so suck it. My husband’s mom is gonna be here and she hates me and this has to be perfect, which means I need two waiters so please don’t go. I’m begging you. I’ll double your pay.

He agrees to stay. Yale, here I come!

Blair brings up the subject of college and Nate says he’s going to Columbia. End of story. I don’t want to owe my family anything and after tonight we won’t deal with them every again. Blair is shit out of luck.

Eleanor is freaking out while looking for Cyrus because his mother is there, but he’s talking to Serena about legal issues. Turns out she accidentally got married in Spain and needs an annulment. Whoops. I hate when that happens. Cyrus leaves, but who’s been listening the whole time? Dan the waiter!

She spills the whole mess to Dan. Poppy and Gabriel got into a fight a few days into the trip so she left, but Serena stayed behind with Gabriel “to keep him company.”

Dan: Uh-huh.

Serena: No seriously. I think I’m married, but maybe not. I don’t know.

Dan: How is that possible?

Serena: We ate and drank and jumped into the ocean naked and said I love you then went to church and had a ceremony in Spanish and I think I said, “Si.”

Okay, Ross and Rachel, we’ve heard that story before. Actually it reminds me of that episode of Full House in season four where DJ and a Greek kid named Sylvio walk around the kitchen table a couple of times and this means they’re married according to some weird tradition from Greece. Remember that one? It’s worth looking up. Serena, please tell me you and Gabriel did not walk around a kitchen table in Spain. Dan’s jealous that she ran away and accidentally married this guy while he’s stuck waiting tables at a Seder in the Waldorf house. Good grief.

Nate is up to something at the rehearsal dinner. All we know is that he plans on not talking to his grandfather. Blair is quietly freaking out. When Nate brushes passed his Grandpa without even a polite hello, Gramps asks Blair what’s up. Is there a problem? No, she says. She just needs a few minutes.

Turns out Lily invited herself over to the Seder along with Rufus. She knew a rich art collector would be there so she tricked Rufus into going so he could try and sell art. Rufus is kinda pissed.

Rufus: That guy’s a jerk. I’m not selling art to him.

Lily: Good luck with Yale, idiot.

Enter Dan. Great. His dad asks why he’s here and before he can confess that he got a job without his dad’s permission, Serena swoops in and says she invited him. Of course, Lily is not happy to find that her daughter has left the house. But she doesn’t want to cause a scene during the Seder so the conversation will be put on hold until further notice. But that probably won’t happen. The next scene is already awkward.

Eleanor: Why are you here, Serena?

Lily: Blair invited her.

Eleanor: Weird. She never planned on being here. Dan you look like shit. Clean yourself up and get the wine.

Rufus: That was rude.

Dan: Eh.

Jenny and Wes play a rousing game of Monopoly (Oh Jenny and her board games). Chuck and the ballerina walk in and start humping up against the wall and then leave for the bedroom.

The Seder is about to begin! Serena tries to apologize to Dan while Eleanor screams his name like the ugly stepsister yelling for Cinderella. “Dan! Get the food!”

Blair confronts Tripp at the rehearsal dinner. Did he say something to Nate to convince him to go to Columbia? Before she can get answer, Nate begins his unexpected toast. It went something like this.

Nate: Fuck you, Grandpa!

Then he tells the sob story about his Grandpa having his dad investigated by the authorities, thus destroying his family. If only we all had the chance to mockingly toast our dysfunctional families. I propose this should be the new Thanksgiving tradition.

A surprise guest shows up at the Seder. Hunky hunk Gabriel! Dan looks like a cute little hobbit next him. Gabe (this is what I’m calling him now) is looking for Serena, his maybe-wife. Dan walks into the middle of the dinner and whispers to Serena she must come out there. The adults eye them suspiciously.

She’s shocked to see Gabriel and asks him to leave, but he’s persistent. I think he’s supposed to be endearing, but mostly he comes across as obsessive. Finally Serena just tells him that Dan is her boyfriend. Dan plays along. Gabriel doesn’t understand why she never mentioned Dan before. Her plan to get rid of him almost works until Eleanor comes in, looks Gabe up and down and invites him to the Seder. The more crazy strangers, the merrier!

Then Flo Rida’s “Right Round” starts playing loudly. It kind of distracts me and I almost miss the confrontation between Blair and Grandpa V. She’s got five minutes to fix this, he tells her. But she’s not so sure about this old goober anymore.

Back at the Seder, things are heating up. No one is paying attention to Cyrus. Lily asks Gabriel if he’s the one who went to Spain with Serena and Poppy. Snooty Art Collector grills Rufus about his artists. Dan serves wine and no one can figure out if he’s a waiter, a guest, or Serena’s boyfriend. And Flo Rida continues to play in the background. Serena asks Dan to sit next to her and awkwardly grabs his hand.

Chuck is getting it on with the ballerina until she bites him on the shoulder. He realizes that he’s slept with this girl before. He leaves to get a drink and barges in on Jenny’s Monopoly game to brag about his conquest. Jenny is embarrassed and asks Wes to meet her in the elevator so they can take a walk. Then she reminds Chuck that he’s a miserable excuse for a human being.

Jenny: Remember when you attacked me at the Kiss on the Lips party? You suck.

Chuck: I’m rubber and you’re glue.

But we sense that maybe her words do hurt him a little. Chuck Bass might have a heart after all. A heart of stone, but a heart none the less.

Blair finds Nate at the party and asks if everything is okay.

Blair: Nate, what happened?

Nate: It was so weird! I was Matthew Perry and I had a family and hated my life, but now I’m 17 again!

Blair: Nate, combing your hair forward does not make you Zac Efron.

Nate: Sorry, I keep forgetting.

He then talks about the grandpa again. I trusted him blah blah blah family sucks blah blah blah I’m not sorry blah blah blah. Blair supports his decision. I think her heart grew three sizes that day. Unfortunately, when she leaves to get her coat, Grandpa apologizes to Nate. He says he turned his father in, but it was for his own good. Really. Let’s start over. I’m Grandpa, nice to meet you.

Nate seems to have a change of heart. He’s just so tired of people lying to him. Well in that case, says Gramps, let me tell you a little story about a girl named Blair…

The Seder continues to drag on with no one knowing what the hell is going on. Serena, when did you get back together with Dan? Is he really your boyfriend? Why is everyone talking over Cyrus? Why are you dressed like a waiter? Finally Dan admits he’s a waiter and that he and Serena are not really together. Sorry I tried to help earn money for college, Dad. Lily asks Serena to join her in the other room.

Nate tells Blair he knows she sold him out. What proceeds is a whiney, overdramatic explanation of what happened. She begs for another chance, but her voice is so piercing that I can hardly listen. I’m guessing Nate feels the same way. He leaves her alone with the limo.

Serena and Lily have the weirdest mother-daughter talk ever. This is my very accurate summary.

Lily: You’re a bad, bad person. Be a good person.

Serena: I’m not a bad person. Please trust me.

Lily: I don’t think you’re a bad person. I trust you. You got into Brown. Yay!

Serena: I did? Really? Holla!

Lily: Now about that Gabriel…

Serena: It’s a mess.

Lily: Messy relationships are the best!

The other girl hired to work at the Seder informs the two that the hot guy from dinner just left. Serena leaves immediately to catch up with him. She apologizes but says she’s not ready for marriage. Gabriel laughs. What are you talking about? We’re probably not married. That was probably just a gardener pretending to be a priest. You know how gardeners are. All is well and I think they are officially boyfriend/girlfriend. Just as they start kissing, overdramatic Blair makes her entrance. She’s crying. Serena embraces her. Gabe’s like, You’ve got to be kidding me.

Nate shows up at Chuck’s place and they both drink their troubles away. They MUST be drunk because Chuck keeps using phrases like “it’s stupid for you to want her to be anything other than she is” and “she just needs someone to believe in her.” Who talks like that? Not even women talk like that.

The Seder is finally over. Before Lily and Rufus leave, Rufus tells Dan that he’s sold some art to the snooty guy AND he now plans on selling his gallery and changing careers altogether. Tootles!

Serena and Blair have girl time and B pores her heart out about what a fool she is and how much she cares for Nate. Then she busts out with the winning line of the show, “Who was that tall snack you were devouring outside?” Love it. Want it. Gonna start using it. Serena is vague about who Gabriel is and Eleanor tells Blair someone is waiting for her downstairs. She thinks it’s Cyrus (as if it’s gonna be anyone other than Nate).

Chuck apologizes to Jenny for attacking her last year. Won’t happen again. If you move in here, I’ll leave you alone. Probably.

Blair apologizes to Cyrus and asks him to use his NYU connections after all. Also, Nate is standing there. They embrace. They kiss. Everything is fine. Oh teen love.

This is a much better view of my one-sided ear muff.

Serena leaves a message for Gabriel on his cell phone. Poppy sees the missed call because she’s with Gabriel. Tell me everything, she commands.

Uh-oh, Serena. I told you three’s a crowd.

XoXo

Natalie D.