Gossip Girl: What’s Love Got To Do With It?

This week on Gossip Girl the kids take on a scandal that’s bigger than their bank accounts, Chuck makes serious faces, and Lily gets weird for no reason.Man, I was not feeling this episode. The drama seemed forced. It was more lame than laughable this week. Okay, let’s get through this together.

Chuck has to drink alone in his taxi because Georgina has given herself to the Lord, which means no alcohol. Wah wah. Serena fills him in on the haps with Gabriel. He took all the money her mom’s friends donated, plus Poppy’s money. He’s nowhere to be found. Serena goes to her mom’s office to tell the bad news and the whole scene unfolds like a bad sitcom.

Serena: Mom I have something to tell you.

Lily: No, I have something to tell you! You’ve been so wonderful that I decided to give you this family heirloom. It’s grandma’s old bracelet and it’s worth a fortune.

Serena: Thanks, but I don’t deserve it.

Lily: Yes, you do! You’ve been a great daughter. Everything about you is great. Even your boyfriend is great! Now what did you want to tell me?

Serena: Um, nothing.

Lily is interrupted by a call from some caterer and Serena calls Blair for help. Blair and Nate are still fighting about who doesn’t trust who (or is it whom?) and will she live in the apartment? She rushes out to help Serena and he follows her like a loyal puppy. Do we love him or hate him for that? It’s a fine line.

God, the scenes with Rufus and his kids are driving me nuts. They’re walking down the street making fun of dad’s uber good mood. He’s jazzed because he thinks his investment in Gabriel’s company is gonna pay for everything for his family for the rest of their lives. Tone it down, Ruf. And he’s gonna ask Lily to marry him after he asks her son Eric for permission after brunch. One big happy family. La di freakin’ da. Serena’s skipping out on brunch so Dan has to convince her to go since this is a big joyous family occasion.

Blair and Nate show up at Serena’s where she tells them the bad news about Gabriel skipping town with the money. Blair is still wearing her Christmas wrapping paper dress from the last episode, so I didn’t really pay attention to the dialogue. Something about Serena having a plan.

Her plan is to call Gabriel and tell him she’s pregnant. Actually she just leaves a voicemail. At this point Chuck walks in (he’s left Georgina in the living room) and asks if she’s called the police. Stupid Serena has not called the police. In fact, she plans on not contacting the authorities so she can get the money back herself so she doesn’t have to tell her mom the truth. Yay, so this is the plot for the next couple of episodes. Awesome. Dan shows up and finds out his college money is gone. Then Georgina enters the room and everyone is talking over one another but they’re basically all saying WTF????? Then Gabriel calls back.

Gabriel and Serena meet up at a restaurant for what is probably the most awkward meet-up ever.

Gabriel: Hey, girl! Good to see you! How are ya?

Serena: Not good.

Gabriel: Yeah, probably not. Can’t believe you’re pregnant. How’d that happen?

Serena: I’m not pregnant. You’re stupid for stealing money. Stealing is bad. Give back the money.

Gabriel: Duh…um…er…the thing is…no.

Serena signals to Chuck who walks over with two friends dressed in suits. I think they work for him. They’re some sort of bouncers maybe? They look like kids playing dress up to me. He threatens to call the Feds if Gabriel doesn’t hand over the money. Gabriel wishes from the bottom of his heart that he could return the money, but he doesn’t have it. Poppy does. Lame!

Did I say that this was the most awkward meet-up? I might have been wrong. Wait until Dan runs into Lily on the street.

Lily: Hey kid! You missed brunch. What’s up, dude?

Dan: Um nothing. I mean everything. I mean I don’t know.

Lily: Okay, what’s bothering you.

Dan: I told Serena I wouldn’t tell but something bad happened and we should probably call the cops.

Lily: She’ll forgive you for breaking her trust. Now tell me EVERYTHING.

Dan: Gabriel is a liar and stole everyone’s money and now I can’t go to college.

Lily: Don’t call the cops. You can still go to college. Don’t tell your dad. I’ll take care of this.

Dan: Sweet!

Why the hell is no one turning this guy in??? Ridiculous, I tell you! Back at weird meet-up number one, Gabriel pours his heart out to Serena while Chuck mocks the whole thing. Gabriel started out as a good guy, but wasn’t good at investing money so he got new investors to pay off old investors and Poppy wanted to just be a rich socialite. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what the hell is going on. Except for the fact that they must now find Poppy. This plot is dumb.

Georgina begs Blair for forgiveness while they wait outside for the verdict on Gabriel. Chuck comes out to tell them it’s Poppy they’re looking for. Gabriel and Serena walk out. He keeps saying how much he’s fallen for her. She tells him to leave. Again, the authorities are not brought in. They just buy his story and let him go. Now they have to trick Poppy and it looks like Georgina is the chosen one. But she’s all freaked out about what the Lord thinks. Does no one where WWJD bracelets anymore? Sad.

Serena and Lily have it out. Lily confronts her about the situation with Gabriel and she’s very concerned with keeping the family name out of the scandal. Her plan is to pay everyone back herself and let Poppy roam free because this is an adult scandal and that’s how adults handle things. Serena obliges in her usual half-hearted way. Lily has some sort of secret plan with the money Rufus invested.

Awkward meet-up number three: Rufus and Eric.

Eric: You want to marry my mom? Can you handle crazy? She’s been married 14 billion times already.

Rufus: I can handle crazy. No problem.

Eric: Welcome to the family, I guess. Are you gonna propose on top of a pyramid like the last guy?

Rufus: Er, maybe.

End scene.

Blair convinces Georgina to join the group in taking down Poppy. At first G blabs on and on about Jesus again and how she’s given up her old ways, but Blair is quick. She says the reason Jesus brought her here was to entrap Poppy so she could win Blair’s forgiveness. And just like that, Georgina joins the team. Then Serena calls and ruins all the fun by saying her mom won’t let them take revenge on Poppy so they have to cancel all their plans. Boring! Such a stick in the mud.

Serena walks into the living room to find her mom drinking tea with Poppy. And the awkward meet-ups continue. Poppy’s all, “Man that sucks about Gabriel, huh? I’m going to Miami so I can be tan.” Serena begs Lily once again to call the police or something, but Lily wants this mess to disappear along with Poppy. And she keeps saying that’s the adult thing to do.

Dan gets a call about Rufus’ “investments.” He’ll be receiving dividends in a few weeks. I think this means Lily is giving him a secret allowance. How cute. Way to take away his manhood, Lils.

Luckily, Serena decides to go ahead with their plan to catch Poppy despite her mother’s objections. It reminds me of the time my parents wouldn’t let me drive on the freeway, but I did anyway. Ha! It’s so liberating, isn’t it S? Blair introduces the new and improved Georgina.

Chuck sniffs Georgina like a dog before announcing “perfection.” They bug Georgina with a tape recorder so they can catch Poppy talking about the money she stole. That’s their genius plan. The whole thing reminds me of a twisted Scooby Doo. I hope the episode ends with them pulling off Poppy’s face to reveal Old Man Wilkins. And he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those kids and that pesky dog, er, Chuck.

Rufus and Jenny prepare for the big proposal to Lily.

Jenny: Dad, you’re cute! Ribs and flowers, she’ll love it! You love her for who she is!

Rufus: Yes, I do. Quick I think she’s here! Go buy me time.

While Jenny pretends to be interested in Lily’s shopping excursion for the day, the gang heads over to the Russian Tea Room, where Nate cries to Chuck about Blair…again.

Nate: Stop liking her.

Chuck: I don’t.

Nate: Yes, you do. You’re lying to yourself. Tell her you like her or get outta here.

Nate, Nate, Nate. Why do you set yourself up for failure?

Jenny continues to distract Lily by telling her the plot of Twilight. Finally someone on this show resembles an actual teenager. Lily gets a phone call from Dan who cannot keep a secret to save his life. He asks why his dad is getting calls about dividends then spills the beans that Serena and the kids are in the Mystery Van on the way to the Russian Tea Room.

She calls Serena and commands her to stop. Serena ignores her. While Lily is trying to take care of this mess, poor freakin’ Rufus is setting up his proposal dinner and then finds the paperwork for all the money Gabriel stole, along with a note about how he’ll get payments every month. I’m so embarrassed for this poor sap. He’s too good-looking for this.

Meanwhile, Georgina scored a lunch date with Poppy. It feels like a bad first date. Georgina is making Sex and the City references ’cause that’s all she’s got. Back at the bar (’cause Poppy won’t be suspicious if she sees one of the gang there) Blair has a tearful conversation with Chuck about love.

Blair: I need to answer Nate about moving in with him, but first I gotta weigh my options.

Chuck: [sinister stare]

Blair: I know you have a soul. If that soul has feelings for me, tell me! You, me and Nate can all work something out. We’ll be like the new version of Three’s Company.

Chuck: [serious squinty stare]

Blair: If you don’t like me and/or don’t have a soul, let me go.

Chuck: [sad stare with clenched jaw]

He finally tells her it’s just a game and he lost so she should go. As she leaves, Serena questions Chuck’s reasons for doing that. He says (in typical TV teen fashion) because he loves her, but can’t make her happy. Wuss.

Is Georgina supposed to be a terrible actor? I can’t tell if that’s part of the joke or not. She tells Poppy she wants to help the children get WiFi and Poppy says yes. Just fork over some cash today. Is Michelle Trachtenberg’s hair real? Or are those extensions? That’s the other question I keep asking myself. She hands over a bunch of cash to Poppy, while the police wait outside. Turns out they’re not there to arrest Poppy. Instead they arrest Serena.

Blair assumes Georgina set this all up and is actually lying about being a Jesus freak. But Georgina is just as surprised as everyone else. AND it turns out the money she gave Poppy was money for the bible camp. Poppy made off with money meant for buying bibles. Pfff. Nice work, Scooby Doo. Why would the camp just give G an envelope full of money? And why don’t people just donate the bibles?

Lily has to explain the money situation to Rufus after he finds the secret file. He is embarrassed to no end that his rich girlfriend was gonna sneak money to him every month. It gets worse when we find out Lily is the one who had Serena arrested. That bracelet she gave her earlier? She reported it stolen so that Serena would get arrested and not get herself more involved with the Poppy scandal.

Rufus: What the hell is wrong with you?

Lily: It’s a typically normal response to have your own child falsely arrested.

Rufus: What the?

Lily: I’m not a monster.

Rufus: You’re worse. You sounds like your MOM.

Nice little mom jab right before Mother’s Day. Rufus. We can almost hear the wheels turn in his head as Rufus decides proposing to this freak show is a horrible idea. This isn’t the only relationship going in a new direction. Nate and Blair decide not to live together. And Georgina is now bad again, I think? I can’t tell. She says something about telling Jesus she’s a bitch and then puts on dark sunglasses and follows Poppy in a taxi.

Until next time…

Xo (I’m only giving this episode one Xo)

Natalie D