Gossip Girl: If I Could Turn Back Time

We flash back to the 80s in this week’s Gossip Girl in case you cared what Lily was like as a kid AND we get to go to the prom, which is tragically not called the “Enchantment Under The Sea Dance.”

I’ve decided the CW should be re-named the Douche Bag W because there are so many douche bag characters on these shows. Also, I was totally stoked to watch an episode about prom, but most of the show was a flashback to Lily’s teenhood in the 80′s. If they’re trying to do a spin-off, they should quit now. No one wants to watch an 80′s version of Gossip Girl. I barely want to watch the 2009 version. Plus when will writers realize that no one cares about the parents on teen shows? That’s when we all take a bathroom break.

Feels good to get that off my chest. Okay, where were we? The show starts out with teen Lily driving from Santa Barbara to Malibu to call her dad from a payphone. It’s a sunny day in Socal and she’s sporting a button-up collared shirt, and argyle sweater, a tweed blazer, pants and riding boots. As in horse-back riding. It’s amazing. It also turns out she got expelled from school.

Flash forward to present day Lily trying to get her daughter out of jail (after she had her arrested) while the Get Along Gang stares at her like she’s the devil.

Back at the poor kids’ home, Dan, Jenny and Vanessa discuss the non-existent proposal. Then that guy who played Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boyfriend in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer Rufus walks into the room. He’s in a bad mood of course, what with his crazy girlfriend pretending he invested in a legit company and having her own daughter arrested.

Lily walks in slow motion down the jail hallway while flashing back to the 80s. We always know when it’s a flashback because there’s a brown tint to everything. Remember how everything in the 80s was brown? Anyway, she meets up with Serena in what looks like some sort of mail room and I’m totally confused. There are no cops or anyone around. Their conversation goes something like this:

Lily: Hi, my crazy darling.

Serena: You’re crazy.

Lily: Well, when you become a mom, you’ll be crazy too. That’s how it works.

Serena: Nuh-uh.

Lily: My mom was crazy, I’m crazy and now you’re crazy.

Serena: Speaking of Grandma…

Then Grandma Crazy walks in. Apparently she was Serena’s one phone call.

I was stoked to see Andrew McCarthy cast as Lily’s dad. I love it. Apparently he’s been in Lipstick Jungle, but I will forever think of him as the bug-eyed rich kid named Blaine from Pretty in Pink.

Now he’s all squinty-eyed.

Anyways, teen Lily and Dad have lunch at the beach, and Ps., I have never seen so many blazers at the beach in my life. She talks about her parents having a “tumultuous divorce” which is ridiculous because teenagers don’t use the word “tumultuous” and I don’t think that word was even invented yet. I guess she came to tell him about her expulsion, but he already knows cuz her mom told him. And then Mom shows up to the Blazer and Vest Beach Party. Surprise!

Teen Lily: I want to live with Dad!

Mom/Dad: Sorry, kid. We’re paying the school to take you back. We don’t want you turning out like your ambitious actress sister who lives in L.A.

Mom: Did you guys know I crashed on a magical island and sort of fell in love with a fat guy and then was accidentally shot?

Teen Lily: Wrong show, TV Mom. Lost won’t be around for another 20 years or so.

Mom: Oh, right.

Back in the future, Lily tries to kick her mom out of her house. They argue about Grandma telling Rufus about the secret love child. Old news, people. Move on. By the way, Lily still thinks the kid is dead, but he’s not so keep an eye out for that awesome upcoming plotline. And then we find out that Serena chose to stay in jail, which doesn’t make any sense cuz didn’t she call her grandma to bail her out? And can she even stay in jail if her mom dropped the charges? I don’t get it.

“Oh God,” Blair says to Serena on the phone (because apparently you can just make phone calls all day in jail), “You’re not gonna come out of there with a mullet and a girlfriend, are you?”

No seriously. There’s a scrapbook.

Dorota is back! She tells Blair that her prom dress was ruined at the dry cleaners, but a new and improved dress mysteriously showed up from Paris this morning, and it looks exactly like the dress sketched in B’s scrapbook. Don’t you love when life works out exactly as you scrapbooked?

There’s been more mysterious prom mishaps and Nate lists them off for Chuck–the dress, a lost corsage, canceled hotel room etc. He thinks Chuck is up to no good, but C denies it.

Back at the reunion of the crazy mamas, Lily tries again to get her mother out of her life. She goes so far as to call her mother “toxic.” Hello?! All moms are toxic. Get in line, Lils. Flashback to teen Lily Rhodes looking for her sister, Carol. She walks into the diner where she works, but Carol isn’t there. Owen “Douche Bag Face” is there however and he knows where the sister will be tonight. But first Lily has to change into something more hip. Luckily, everyone at the diner has a full-size locker and Carol keeps all her clothes there.

Then the 80s/Goldilocks montage begins:

Lily is still unsure about her outfit, but DBF approves.

Just before the montage, Dan finds out that Serena is still in jail, which leads to him wanting to take her to prom, I guess. He walks into Jenny’s room to ask for clothes while she poses seductively in fish nets and heels for no reason.

Lily goes back to the jail to drop the charges against Serena (again?) but Serena is gone.

Back to the 80s! Gwen Stefani and company perform in a band called “Snowed Out.” Get it? Snowed out? Get it? Say it real fast but don’t look at the words like you’re playing Mad Gab. Oh Gossip Girl, you’re so clever.

I love how this scene is so typical of all the teen 80s movies we’ve ever seen where the street kid takes the snooty rich girl to some happenin’ hole in the wall place where the walls are covered in gum and graffiti and it looks smelly. Just when you think guys can’t get any douchier, this guy shows up.

He’s DBF’s friend AND is sort of dating Carol, who finally shows up in dramatic fashion, babbling about some issue that needs to get resolved. The sisters reunite then rush out to the Impala, and we’re all sad they didn’t say DeLorean instead.

Finally we are back in 2009 at The Most Boring Prom Ever. There’s even a big band playing. I was lucky enough to attend my old high school’s prom last Saturday as a chaperone, and I gotta say it was way more fun than this one. Why aren’t the kids humping on the dance floor? Where’s the principal checking all the dark corners to make sure kids aren’t making babies? Where are the stoned hippies running from those dark corners while pulling their clothes back on? Puts the Gossip Girl prom to shame. I am sorely disappointed. Oh, and Blair and Nate got nominated for king and queen, despite how bitchy everyone thinks she is.

The headpiece girls rig the ballot box so that Blair loses. Luckily, Chuck is ALWAYS LURKING AT JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT. He heard the whole thing! He is the best lurker I have ever seen. Please God, let him get his own show where he just lurks around solving crimes in his lurking way. Lurkety lurk lurk!

Dan got Grandma Crazy to get Serena out of jail, brought her a dress, then got them a taxi to the prom. Serena get’s dressed in the back of a cab while Driver McPervy sneaks a peek.

Meanwhile, in a car across the country in another decade, Lily, Carol, and the douche twins drive to some party while the girls have a heart to heart.

Carol: Fanny packs, Rubik’s cubes, MTV, music videos!

Lily: What?

Carol: I’m reminding everyone we’re in the 80s.

Lily: You’re poor. You’re supposed to be rich.

Carol: I don’t want to be like Mom and Dad.

Lily: You abandoned me!

2009 Lily goes over to see Rufus and it turns into a therapy session. He inspires her to forgive her mother and her daughter as well as continue to pursue who she really is. Dr. Ruf is filled with so many insights like, “Our mistakes are ours alone to repeat…or correct.” He really should start his own greeting card company. Maybe he’ll have the time to do so since he and Lily are taking time apart.

1980s Lily and friends crash the party of some high falutin’ music video director. This guy filmed their band’s music video then raised his fees and is now holding the music video hostage. Because I’m sure the video is that good. Although I’m not sure how crashing the party is gonna help. DBF Owen is in charge of watching Lily. She heads for the bar to loosen up.

Serena and Dan make it to the prom. B embraces S, makes a snide remark to D, and then everyone dances like little kids at a wedding reception.

80s flashback! Lily learns how to do tequila shots with D-bag and they dance around to more 80s music. Carol is outside confronting the jerk music video director who happens to be…wait for it…Keith Van Der Woodsen. As in the future dad of Serena? Carol confronts him. Turns out they slept together even though he had a girlfriend. Her options for getting the music video back are a) pay him the money b) sleep with him again.

At this point Lily and Tweedle Dee and Dum are outside defending Carol. They start to leave, defeated, until Van Der Woodsen’s girlfriend starts talking smack. Then all hell breaks lose and everyone starts swinging punches.

Back at the boring prom, Blair yells at Chuck because she caught him with a bunch of prom ballots and assumes he’s set her up to lose. Little does she know he was up to something else. We wait with baited breath as the students are about to announce Prom King and Queen.

Blair and Nate won! “How?” you ask. Chuck voted for her 150 times.

Oh, and it turns out Chuck sabotaged all those other things (the messed up dress, etc) because he was creating the perfect night for her just like she planned in her scrapbook years ago. Barph. He even hands Serena a big ol’ key to pass on to Blair. It’s to the penthouse at the Plaza. I think we’re all supposed to be rooting for Chuck at this point.

If this is the 80s, everyone’s hair should be much, much bigger. Take teen Lily’s mug shot for example.

Not nearly big enough.

And by the time she calls her mom from jail, the hair dressers gave up on the 80s theme completely.

Although, what they lack in big hair, they make up for in big phones.

Then they have the same mother-daughter conversations that Serena and Lily have had repeatedly. I need to find myself. I’m trying to be a good mother. Don’t ruin your reputation. I don’t want to be you, Mom. Moral of the story: we’re all doomed to become our parents. Thanks, Gossip Girl. Now I’m depressed.

Lily takes her Rufus therapy to heart and flees to her mother’s hotel to forgive her and hug her. They keep using the word “destiny” which is ridiculous. My mother and I have never had a conversation where we used that word unless we were talking about Destiny’s Child and those talks are few and far between. Anyway, Lily and her mom give each other backhanded apologies. They embrace and you can almost hear the stone chipping away from their hearts. Or not.

Prom has gone from boring to depressing. Blair and Nate slow dance while she goes on about how sad she’s feeling. Everything she ever wanted has come true, yet she’s still not happy. Congratulations, B! You’re officially an adult. Welcome to the World of Perpetual Disappointment and Unexplained Sadness. I guess her cryptic speech about prom feeling like a memory was her way of breaking up with Nate. And people say breaking up over a text message is bad.