Gossip Girl: A Very Geriatric Christmas

It’s Christmas on Gossip Girl, and you know what that means. We’ve got 12 product placements, 11 bouts of whining, 10 hideous outfits, 9 dirty looks, 8 bouts of crying, 7 dangling plot threads, 6 missing cast members, 5 manipulations, 4 clichéd moments, 3 former lovers, 2 threatening speeches, and 1 proposal from a very old man!

Merry Christmas from the Waldorfs… and their maid… and their gay lovers!

We open up at a school bazaar on Christmas Eve, where Serena and Dan are browsing for useless crap and Dan’s complaining about the lack of snow. Vanessa unfortunately shows up (does she not have her own school functions to go to? Seriously, this girl needs to get a life), and announces that she secretly entered Dan’s writing in a contest and he won. For his prize, he’s getting a story titled “10-8-05″ published in the New Yorker. Dan seems decently excited, but come on, it’s the @#$% New Yorker, dude! Serena asks Dan what that date signifies, and he dodges the question faster than Britney dodges her court-appointed monitor. Not too quick on the uptake, Serena doesn’t notice the dodge and instead decides to get pissy and jealous that Vanessa got Dan such a great gift. Yawn.

Rufus and Mrs. Humps arrive at the bazaar and immediately bump into Lily and Bart Bass, aka Upchuck Senior. Awk-ward. Lily introduces Bart as Bartholomew, which makes me giggle because I’m evidently seven and that’s a silly name. Lily and Bart make a quick exit, and politely squabble about the status of their relationship. Looks like they’re now technically “public” but Lily’s still being super cautious and suspicious. He’s a Bass – he can’t keep it in his pants. Good call. Meanwhile, Rufus and Mrs. Humps make snide remarks about Lily being a fortune hunter. Hey, if your true love’s currently married to a wretched hag of a woman, why not start setting up some sweet alimony payments? I’m just sayin’.

Blair runs up to Lily and Bart and begins fishing for information about Chuck, since he’s been somewhat MIA lately. Umm, Blair, you’re the one who told him to take a hike and leave you alone. You can’t have your cake and purge it too. Bart reveals that Chuck’s lounging around in Monaco, seducing cabana boys, and Blair tries to hide her shock before scurrying off. She goes outside to text Chuck, asking him what’s up with that, when Serena appears. Blair tries to brush her off, explaining that her gay dad’s plane has already arrived and she has to get home to see him. She then elaborates, explaining that her plan is to convince her dad to stay permanently in New York, since Europe and his gay lovers are just a phase. Something tells me that coming out of the closet, divorcing your wife, and taking up a gay lover on the other side of the world is more than just a phase. At the very least, it’s a mid-life crisis.

With Nate and Chuck out of town, Blair’s turned to more creative ways of … entertaining herself

As Blair’s getting in a cab, Serena whines about what to get Dan that’ll beat Vanessa’s publication announcement, and Blair sarcastically suggests a new outfit for Dan’s Cabbage Patch doll. Hey, here’s an idea – let Dan cash in his V card at the Serena Bank & Trust. Sure, the place has a weird odor, and there are some strange growths on the walls, but a bank’s a bank, right?

Blair arrives home and squeals with delight when she sees her father already there. But turns out gay dad has a little surprise for her – Roman, his European boy toy! Blair smiles painfully and does a decent job of being pleasant, but Roman better hold on tight – Blair’s about to become an even bigger diva than Cher, Celine, and Babs combined.

In the ghetto, the Humphreys are decorating their Christmas tree as Dan riffles through the mail, reading aloud the various Christmas cards in the stack. He gets to one card from “Alex” and reads aloud its request that Mrs. Humps meet him before Dan realizes what it is he’s reading. Rufus takes the card, and after a few tense moments gamely announces that it’s no big deal and Christmas is still on.

You’re right. I better double-bag it

The next morning, Blair and Eleanor are in Central Park on their way to go ice skating (after evidently being vomited on by Burberry), talking about Roman’s annoying presence. Blair bitches that she can’t believe how well Eleanor is handling the situation, and Eleanor correctly observes that there ain’t shit she can do about it, and she has a big project at work to worry about anyway. Gay dad and Roman join them, and Blair distracts Roman with some talk about fashion and then sics him on Eleanor so she can get her dad alone.

Once alone, gay dad asks where Nate is, and Blair exposits that he’s in Connecticut, but hopes to make it back for a party Eleanor’s throwing tonight. Gay dad then announces that he’s purchased a house in France with Roman, and Blair barely manages to hold back tears of disappointment at that proof of her dad’s intent to stay abroad. Meanwhile, Eleanor’s stuck with Roman when an attractive older man approaches her and asks her an obvious question while ogling her breasts. She dismisses him impatiently, and Roman observes that the silver fox was trying to hit on her while a flattered and flustered Eleanor protests that he was not.

Uncle Silver Fox, whenever you’re done trying to score some poon, I’d like to go ice skating

Across town, Vanessa’s waiting tables while Dan sits and reverently thumbs through old New Yorker articles. Serena arrives and presents him with the “perfect” gift – an expensive watch that completely intimidates our average joe. He declines the watch and they agree on $50 price limit for their gifts. As Serena’s heading back out the door to figure out where the nearest Filene’s Basement is, Vanessa stops her to offer some suggestions on what Dan would like. Serena of course blows her off out of jealousy. God I hate Vanessa, but the line between her and Serena becomes thinner and thinner each episode.

Remember how Rufus was totally cool about Alex asking Mrs. Humps to meet him? Yeah, that was total bullshit, and now Rufus has gone to meet Alex instead. Rufus finds Alex at a bar and begins ranting about how he’s to stay away from Mrs. Humps because she told him she was no longer interested in seeing Alex. Alex – who seems like a decent sort – says that’s not what she told him a couple days ago. Rufus is in shock that Mrs. Humps has talked to Alex recently behind his back. Is anyone else surprised? No. Because she’s a lying, cheating skank. Get with the program, Ruf. As Mrs. Green told Rachel, “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Back in Central Park, Roman is flailing around the ice rink and endangering the lives of innocent children while Blair texts Chuck and doesn’t make any effort to help gay dad keep Roman upright. Chuck texts to ask how she faked her virginity when she did the deed with Nate, and as her mouth drops open in outrage, she viciously trips Roman, who falls on his face.

Toe pick!

Blair and Eleanor return home without the not-so-ambiguously gay duo, with Blair in a snit over gay dad choosing to go with Roman to ER instead of tea with her. Eleanor begins gossiping about how Roman used to date some asshole player named Freddie, and then makes Blair promise not to mention it to gay dad since it’s a sore subject. Yeah, that’ll be kept quiet for approximately five seconds.

Rufus has also returned home, and announces to Mrs. Humps that he met Alex, and that Alex revealed he and Mrs. Humps had spoken. She admits that Alex felt she owed him an explanation, but it’s all over since she’s back with her family. Rufus asks if Mrs. Humps would have returned if Jenny hadn’t tortured us all by bringing her here, and she counters by asking if Lily would be warming his bed by now if she hadn’t returned. The conversation evolves into them both acknowledging that it’s not working between them, and if this means the end of Mrs. Humps, I will be one happy recapper.

Dan’s at Vanessa’s café again, this time with Jenny, trying to figure out what to get Serena. Jenny – back to her motor mouth, annoyingly rapid speech pattern – reminds him that Serena’s Christmas is going to blow, since it’s taking place in a hotel that doesn’t even allow trees. A light bulb goes on over Dan’s head, as he realizes that it’s been way too fucking long for there really to be a remodeling project going on at the VDW house. Or he’s decided to get Serena a tree for her hotel room.

Meanwhile, Blair’s trying to call Chuck, who will not pick up the phone. She begs his voicemail to keep his mouth shut about their sexual encounter and hangs up in disgust as Serena prances into her bedroom. Blair asks Serena for the password to a modeling site, and looks up Freddie’s phone number and address. As Serena continues to whine (does she DO anything else?) about what to get Dan, Blair calls Freddie to book him for a fictitious modeling assignment.

2 girls 1 cup? What is this?

Serena sucks it up for once and goes to find Vanessa to take her up on her offer to give present advice. More bitching ensues, until Serena finally concludes that the only thing Dan wants within the budget is snow, and there’s no way she can give him that. Vanessa, however, thinks there’s plenty of time left in this episode to dream up a clichéd, showy display of love.

At Eleanor’s party – which is a giant product placement for her newest client that I won’t give the satisfaction of naming – Lily receives a phone call from Rufus. He dances around the fact that he’s single, and she lies about leaving that evening to take a romantic trip with Bart and a few bottles of Viagra. Rufus finally just wishes her a happy holiday with her sugar daddy, and Lily hangs up, visibly shaken.

While Lily tries to figure out what just happened, the silver fox from Central Park arrives, much to Eleanor’s surprise. He admits that Roman tracked him down at the ice rink and invited him to the party. Eleanor runs over to Roman to yell at him that she doesn’t need a pimp, and he quickly explains that he Googled the guy and it turns out he’s rich and successful. This has her thinking about singing a different tune, but when Roman tries to say they’ve been friends for a long time, she snaps that friends don’t let friends drive drunk. No wait, I got confused. Friends don’t steal each other’s husbands. There we go.

Blair calls someplace in Connecticut, looking for Nate, but he’s nowhere to be found. She then joins Serena, Vanessa, and Eric (the trifecta of bland) in her bedroom, where they’re working on Dan’s Christmas present – which looks to be cut out paper snowflakes like the ones I made in kindergarten. How awesome. Blair picks up on Vanessa’s I-heart-Dan vibe, and asks Vanessa to leave the room with her to run a pointless little errand. Once in private, Blair wields a small pair of scissors and announces to Vanessa that she’s watching her, and Vanessa better think twice before trying to get between Dan and Serena. I hope Vanessa tries something because I would love to see Blair go all Edward Scissorhands on her ass.

OMG did that girl just do what I think she did?!

After that little fun chat, Vanessa takes off in a huff and Blair waltzes out of the room, her work done for the moment. Lily comes in instead, and announces to her spawn that she’s officially dating Bart. Both Serena and Eric protest, with Eric saying Bart’s face scares him, and Serena saying the fact he raised Chuck scares her. Touché on both points, little VDWs. Lily defensively says she’s not asking permission, and follows Vanessa’s indignant trail out the door.

As suspected, Dan has decided that he’s going to get Serena a real Christmas tree, and is dragging the poor thing down the street with Jenny. He spouts off some Charlie Brown rhetoric about trees and Christmas and shit, until Jenny twists it into a discussion of their parents’ future. Dan admits that he doesn’t think their parents are going to work, and Jenny weakly defends her decision to bring Mrs. Humps back while Dan comforts her.

Eleanor bumps into the silver fox again, and is busy flirting with him when she sees Freddie, the ugliest model ever, arrive at the party. She and Roman confront him, demanding to know why Freddie is there. Freddie claims Roman invited him, as gay dad joins the fray and begins yelling at Roman while Blair smirks in the background. Disgusted that gay dad doesn’t believe him, Roman hobbles away (crutches don’t really allow for the most graceful exits) as Eleanor realizes that her darling daughter is behind this. She throws Freddie out and then calms down gay dad, who’s really pissed at Blair.

If this is the standard for model now, where can I get an agent?

Dan and Jenny arrive at the hotel and are debating how to get the tree inside past the concierge when Lily arrives. They fill her in on the plan, and she warns them that the concierge is hardcore – but the service door guy can be bought off. I wonder for what other reasons she’s had to pay off the service door guy. I suspect it has to do with that time Serena drunkenly brought home a goat, a midget, and two of the three Blue Man Group guys. Ah, memories.

Blair’s sulking in her room when gay dad tracks her down. He begins by asking for her forgiveness, all that earlier anger evidently forgotten. She pouts over the house in France while he reassures her he’ll also be there for her, etc. He gives her a CD of pictures of the house, and shows her a room he had furnished and decorated just for her. As dollar signs dance in Blair’s eyes, all is forgiven. Hell, he can pick up a few Spanish, Dutch, Estonian lovers for all she cares as long as they each come with their own house and bedroom for her.

Dan arrives at his father’s gallery for Serena’s Christmas surprise, and finds Serena lying on a mattress on the floor, surrounded by floor-to-ceiling projection screens depicting falling snow, with white confetti blowing around. He joins her and gives her the original of the short story he wrote, and finally reveals the significance of the date – the day he first met Serena, even though she barely said two words to him. And here I thought it was the day he officially started becoming a woman. I guess they’re one and the same. It looks like Dan will be joining the long line of customers to make a deposit in the Serena Bank & Trust, as they begin making out and lay back on the mattress.

Great story, Dan. I particularly like the spelling of the word “beautiful.” Very brave

Just like magic, it is now morning and we have a white Christmas. Dan and Serena are cuddling at the gallery, while Eleanor is sneaking the silver fox out her door. Bow chica bow wow. But before she can send him on his walk of shame, gay dad and Roman come around the corner and catch the sexy duo. Silver fox takes off, and Blair comes downstairs and warmly greets Roman, all petty jealousies forgotten. They then sit down with their maid (?) and open gifts and pose for family pictures – which also include the maid. Is that her Christmas bonus? You get to pretend to be one of us for a few hours before we send your ass back in the kitchen to do the dishes?

Serena arrives back at the hotel and finds the giant Christmas tree set up in her room, just as Dan arrives home to duck his father’s questions about his nocturnal whereabouts and reveal to Rufus that Lily never left town as she had claimed. Jenny and Mrs. Humps walk in, and Rufus awkwardly announces he’s going to go to the gallery for a bit, and takes off. I hope he doesn’t notice the faint aroma of Eau de Sexy. Once alone, Dan and Jenny ask Mrs. Humps what’s going on, and she admits she’s going back to Hudson. YAY!

Back over at Serena’s, Bart has crashed the VDW Christmas celebration, and we see Eric looking confused and holding up a Florida Marlins t-shirt Bart has given him. Now this is a nice tie-in to the third episode – remember the cover story for Eric’s suicide attempt that he was visiting people in Florida. So nice job, writers, on that one. Lily’s phone rings, but when she tries to answer it Bart stops her and instead drops down to one knee. Either he’s having a heart attack or he’s proposing. As the VDW spawn look on in horror, Bart indeed proposes and Rufus leaves Lily a voicemail saying that he misses her and basically wants to give it another shot. Serena and Chuck – stepsiblings? I kind of want her to say yes just for that.

And finally we tie up this episode by returning once more to the happy Waldorf clan, where Blair is receiving one last text from Chuck. This one merely assures her that he wouldn’t have anyone to tell their naughty secret to – but then he sends this picture as well:

Gay dad and Roman – the next generation

So what did you guys think? Is Mrs. Humps gone for good? Will Vanessa make a play for Dan – and will Blair beat her ass down? Will Lily say yes? And did Chuck tell Nate in between sexy time breaks?

The next episode’s airing in two weeks, on January 2nd, and it will be the second-to-last episode before the strike dries everything up. I’m actually going to London until January 11th (and won’t have regular computer access) so that recap’s going to be a little late. I thought about getting a sub, but since that episode looks pretty fantastic, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to mock it with you guys! So I apologize ahead of time for the delay, but I will get that recap up as soon as I get back. On a side note – anyone have any suggestions for decent television viewing over there? I think I’m going to go through withdrawal, haha.

I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday!

Cheers!
LoLo