Gossip Girl: And the Headbands Come Off

This week on Gossip Girl, a trip to Yale gives us catfights, secret societies, and a half-naked Penn Badgley. Not a bad week, friends, not a bad week.

“Blake, Leighton, I said cut! CUT! Oh god, here they go again… Hair and makeup, stand by.”

We open with Blair in the midst of another one of her elaborate nightmares, this time borrowing from “My Fair Lady” as Serena stops by on her way to the Kentucky Derby to show up Blair’s Eliza Doolittle and her Cockney accent. For the record, Leighton Meester should take more lessons from Ed Westwick before attempting a British accent again, Cockney or not. She wakes up wearing a nightgown I’d find appropriate for a semi-formal event and quickly perks up to gush to Duroda that she’s finally going to visit her dream school, Yale. She’s particularly excited to attend the Dean of Admissions’ private reception — something many think is an urban legend but she knows she’ll be invited to. You know what that means — Blair won’t and Serena will be. Filling in for Eleanor yet again, Duroda touchingly tells Blair she’s proud of her while Blair practically pees her evening nightgown in excitement.

Over at Serena’s, she’s making plans to go tour Brown despite a personal, handwritten invitation to tour Yale from their Dean. Lily tries to sway Serena to go to Yale instead, but Serena dismisses Yale as a place for preppy bookworms like Blair — who she also doesn’t want to deal with given the fact they haven’t spoken since Eleanor’s show. Anyone else surprised that Yale would be courting Serena that hard? Wasn’t she supposed to have been a huge partier with a mediocre academic record? Sure, she’s rich but Yale’s gotta have rich kids with parents willing to make large donations coming out of the ivy. Not to mention Chuck paid someone off to take her SATs… Have fun when that one comes out, S.

Lily pulls out two dresses Eleanor sent over, mistakenly assuming both the sexy black one and the matronly pink floral one are for her. Seeing a tag with her name on it, Serena gently corrects her while Lily vows to make that appointment with her plastic surgeon she’s been putting off.

Serena, dear, if you face keeps looking like this, you may want to go visit the plastic surgeon yourself.

As for our other seniors, Dan’s freaking out about his cover letters for Yale now that he’s conveniently decided that’s where he wants to go. Hope you’ve been working on your writing samples, D. Yeesh. Chuck doesn’t share in those nerves at all, as he pours himself a drink and tries to get Nate excited about the horny women’s studies majors. While Nate whines about wanting to go to USC instead, Chuck tells him to get his head in the game and focus on creating his own “freshman 15.” LOL. When Nate questions why Chuck is so gung ho on Yale anyway, Chuck explains it’s merely a plot device. Oh, and that Yale has the best secret society, and that’s how he’s picking his college. He luvs Joshua Jackson and knows every line of “The Skulls” by heart.

Before heading off on their college visits, everyone meets at Constance for last minute instructions on proper behavior. Seeing Dan, Chuck insults his writing a bit while Dan brushes it off and accepts the fact they’ll be spending the weekend together. Serena puts on her nice face and approaches Blair, who immediately begins mocking Brown while ignoring the fact Serena’s shirt is cut down to her navel. Serena takes Blair’s bitchiness in stride, reminding her that Brown is an Ivy League school and not everyone wants to go to Yale anyway. Undaunted, Blair smiles and tells Serena that she’s just not that smart and couldn’t get into Yale anyway. Smug as can be, Blair prances away — and therefore doesn’t see Serena pull out her phone and tell Lily they’re going to visit Yale instead.

Back in the ghetto, Jenny and Rufus are still having a pissing match over her wanting to quit school while Vanessa stands around looking awkward and about 30 pounds heavier than she actually is. Jenny proposes that Rufus spend the day with her, seeing what exactly it is she does when she’s ditching school, and vows to return to school if he still wants her to when the day is over. As fascinating as that sounds — and despite how weird it would be to bring your father to hang out at work with you all day — Rufus agrees while Vanessa uselessly squeals and takes up perfectly good oxygen for the rest of us.

This is a teen soap. Isn’t it about time a peripheral character dies in a terrible accident so the rest can learn and grow? Hint, hint.

The seniors have officially arrived on campus at Yale, and Dan is meeting with the Dean of Admissions. He spouts off cliches while the Dean mocks his “inner thesaurus” and points out Dan’s application is missing a letter of recommendation after one mentor fired him and the other unofficial one told him to go fuck himself and Charlie Trout while he’s at it. Dan sputters out excuses and finally snottily asks from whom and how will he get another letter of recommendation. Admirably, the Dean does not point out that’s not his problem and that he doesn’t give a shit. Seriously, Humphrey, does your whiney self-entitlement know no bounds? Instead, the Dean recommends Dan find a Yale professor to read his work and write a letter for him. Yes, I’m sure all the Yale English professors are sitting on the edges of their seats, waiting for idiotic prospective freshmen with bungled applications to come knocking at their doors.

Elsewhere, Nate and Chuck are lounging around in a quad, waiting for the Skull & Bones guys to come find them. Nate isn’t too wild on the idea to begin with, and when a ferrety-looking girl eye fucks him across the lawn, he immediately ditches Chuck and follows her. Left to his own devices, Chuck wanders off — only to be immediately abducted by what I hope is the Skull & Bones dudes. Either that, or someone’s about to be sold into male prostitution.

Blair’s sitting in the Dean’s office, waiting for her interview while checking out his secretary’s porcelain cat figurine collection (to match the 30 live ones she’s got at home) and trying to ignore the fact the interview before her is going fabulously well. The door opens to reveal — Serena, the braless wonder! Seriously, if Blake Lively were more than nipples and skin stretched over bone, she’d be accidentally breast feeding the Dean right now. Serena’s eyes silently taunt a stunned Blair, who awkwardly announces she’s never been more prepared for an interview and practically trips her way into the Dean’s office. Ruh-roh.

“Between the charming Ms. VDW and reading Mr. Humphrey’s writing samples, I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time!”

Nate and his ferret girl are surprisingly not rolling around in her cage bed yet, but instead are sitting on a bench chit-chatting about classes and normal prospective freshmen things. She asks what high school he’s from, and when he tells her St. Jude’s, a guy nearby comments that that’s where Cappy McDouche’s son Nate goes — and he’s supposed to be on campus this weekend. Looks like Cappy’s white collar crime has affected more families than just his own, and people aren’t too happy about it. Although how some random students would know that Nate was visiting that weekend is beyond me. I mean, when there were rumors Jonathan Taylor Thomas was going to attend my college, all hell broke out over campus. But that was Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Nate is no JTT.

Anyway, Nate panics upon hearing that and quickly asks Ferret to give him a tour of her vagina campus. For as smart as Yale kids should be, no one follows up with Nate to ask him if he knows Nate Archibald, even though they supposedly attend the same school. However, before giving him that “campus” tour, Ferret decides she should probably learn his name. There are only so many “horny high school senior”s she can have on her List before it starts getting embarrassing. So she asks. Well, there’s only one thing worse than Chace Crawford trying to act, and that’s Chace Crawford trying to act as Nate Archibald trying to act. Nate thinks slowly on his feet and announces his name is Dan Humphrey with about as much confidence as an Alzheimer’s patient identifies relatives. Ferret just wants to bang, so she lets it slide.

Chuck has now been carted off to some secret lair of homoeroticism by the S & B boys, who are busy grilling him and finding out if their intel is correct. Specifically, they want to know if it’s true he’s slept with as many Maxim covers as rumored. If by sleeping they mean he’s woken up with them glued to Mr. Chuckie, then yes. While impressed, the S & B boys want Chuck to prove he’s as good as advertised — which is fine by Chuck as he tells them he came prepared with plenty of lube and loose-fitting pants.

“Don’t worry, gentlemen, Nate tells me all the time I am an extremely tight piece of ass.”

Blair is now meeting with the Dean, and he asks her to tell him something about herself that isn’t in her application packet. When she freezes up in confusion, he mentions that Serena told him she was recently in a fashion show, just for fun. The Dean is evidently just tickled pink about that and extremely impressed, meaning all actual Yale administrators are currently banging their heads against walls in disgust. Blair has a nervous breakdown, and after a brief rant about Serena and how her hair sparkles when it catches the light, B concludes that everything worth knowing about her is in her application. Disappointed, the Dean leads her out of his office, with no invitation to his private reception. Panicked, Blair tries to fish for one — and decides that perhaps a little nookie is in order as she leans in and smooches him on the cheek. It’s hard to decide who’s the most horrified by this — Blair, the Dean, the secretary, or the secretary’s porcelain cat collection. Why not just drop to your knees next time?

“On second thought… I enjoy stripping at burlesque clubs and having vehicular sex!”

Blair storms outside and finds Serena lounging around, flirting with random boys and being the belle of the ball. Blair yells at her that Yale is hers, and Serena admits her entire reason for coming was originally to punish Blair, but now she thinks she rather likes it herself. Blair lashes out again to taunt that Serena would never actually be admitted — just as the Dean calls Serena to invite her to his private reception. When Serena hangs up, Blair tearfully tells Serena that even after Serena’s already taken so much from her — Nate, her mother, the girls at school — Yale would be the final straw. Serena correctly points out that she’s not “taking” anything from Blair, and regardless, she’s not intimidated. Momentarily defeated, Blair stalks away. Quick poll — whose side are you on? I agree with Serena that she hasn’t taken anything from Blair, besides perhaps Nate. It’s not her fault what happened with Eleanor or the minions, let alone this Yale stuff. On the other hand, Serena definitely has insensitive at best and selfish as worst. I guess with this specific fight, I agree with Serena although I like Blair vastly more overall.

Back in NYC, Jenny and Rufus are at work, where Jenny’s keeping busy and Rufus is lounging around looking a little creepy and insulting to all fashionistas in his plaid shirt. Eleanor snaps at him that she didn’t realize it was take daddy to work day, and laughs in his face when he asks her to fire Jenny. What an asshole, dude. I understand that he’s worried about her and her education, but to go behind her back and ask her boss to fire her is really low. What’s going to happen when Jenny wants to lose her virginity? Is Rufus going to castrate the poor kid?

After her spat with Blair, Serena’s storming around Yale when she runs into Chuck. When she mentions her invite to the Dean’s reception, he reveals that the Dean always asks invitees a question — which person, real or imaginary, alive or dead, would you most like to have dinner with? Rumor is, students with impressive answers get on the short-list for early admission. For the record, I’d take Britney Spears just to see what she did and did not try to put in her mouth. Serena then lets it slip that Blair didn’t get an invite herself, and a gleeful Chuck suggests Serena steal Blair’s answer — quickly telling it to Serena before she can stop him. She yells at him for telling her, and asks how the hell he even knows this stuff — and he replies that talking with Blair about getting into Yale gets her all hot and bothered, and makes it a lot easier to get into her panties. Traumatized, Serena flounces off.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Anna-Nicole Smith is a perfectly good answer.”

Nate and the Ferret have finally made it back to her dorm room for some mid-afternoon rodent sex, when she begins her sexy bedroom talk about different writers and works of literature. Oh is that what gets the boys hot these days? No wonder I’m single — I need to adjust my game. What I’m going to do to them — out. F. Scott Fitzgerald — in. As they’re going at it, there’s a knock on the door — and it’s Dan Humphrey, killing yet another mood! Ferret answers the door and gnashes her teeth a few times to scare him off while Dan explains that he needs her to help him get a recommendation since she’s in tight with some English professors. Annoyed, Ferret opens her door wide to reveal Nate behind her, who frantically gestures to Dan not to reveal they know each other. Dan, who sucks at everything including interpreting not-so-subtle signals, immediately goes “Nate? That’s Nate Archibald!”

While we unfortunately don’t get to see it, Ferret evidently throws a book at Nate’s head and orders them both out of her room. Outside, Dan begins giving Nate shit about things, while Nate snaps back that it had nothing to do with Dan. Undaunted, Dan climbs on his high horse for one of his patented condescending lectures he’s got pent up since he and Serena broke up, and begins mocking Nate for being a spoiled, rich brat and yelling at him that while it may be okay to use people in his world, it’s not okay in Dan’s, and blah blah STFU. Nate finally loses it and whirls around, demanding if Dan ever gets vertigo from looking down on everyone else — and stating it’s no surprise Serena dumped him. HAHA. I definitely cheered. You know when Nate finally snaps out of his permanent high to yell at you, you’re a complete idiot.

“I’d just like to point out that I’m in the right here. Me. Dan Humphrey.”

Blair has made her way back to the Dean’s office, perhaps this time with knee pads. She approaches the secretary and announces she’s going to be invited to the Dean’s reception. The secretary, who has probably seen her share of Blair’s, is unimpressed until Blair orders her to check her email. And what is it? Pictures of 18th century, rare porcelain cat figurines sent to shirleylovescats@admissionsasst.org. Love it. Well while talking about getting into Yale may make Blair horny, these pussy cats do something for Shirley’s, so she quickly forks over an invitation to the reception.

At Eleanor’s, Rufus breaks the bad news to Jenny that he wants her to stay in school, despite being very impressed. She maturely agrees that a deal’s a deal — having no idea he tried to get her fired and deserves a temper tantrum at the very least — and accepts his decision after requesting he give her a lift to one last errand.

The Dean’s reception is filled with the stereotypical kids you’d except — and then Serena’s tits. Seriously, I think this dress is worse than the shirt from earlier. Blair approaches to taunt Serena about the Dean’s dinner question, guessing that Serena will pick Lauren Conrad. LOL. You and I think alike, B. Pissed off yet again that Blair got an invitation and is still mocking her, Serena reveals that she’ll be stealing Blair’s answer — since if Blair’s going to cheat her way in, why should Serena play fair either? She’s got a point, but stealing Blair’s answer is a little different than bribing an invitation from a secretary at no harm to Serena. Announcing that since her name will come first alphabetically that there’s nothing Blair can do about it, Serena strolls off — leaving Blair staring at the open bowl of answer cards. Serena better be caught up on her Hills episodes, because it looks like some Lauren Conrad trivia might quickly come in handy.

“I figured after sexually assaulting the Dean earlier, the more I look like a nun, the better.”

Chuck has shown up at the Skulls & Bones den of homoeroticism with a gaggle of call girls — three for each guy, as a matter of fact. While pretending to be impressed, the S & B boys tell Chuck he still has to prove himself — by bringing them Nate for a little retribution for their financial struggles, S & B style. For the love of God, Nate, run and never look back. Chuck protests for a few minutes, but then calls Nate to set it up, supposedly. Yeah right. Number 1, Chuck and Nate’s bromance is too strong for that. And number 2, no one tells Chuck what to do — without him manipulating it right back to them.

Back at the Dean’s party, Blair and Serena are running around, trying to one-up each other with their French skills and knowledge of British history. It’s almost as fascinating as the Jenny plot of this episode. But now it’s time for the Dean’s dinner question. Some psycho hippie chick picks Artemis and charmingly discusses “screwing the man” while Serena and Blair both look very pleased with themselves. If Serena wasn’t dumber than shit at times, she’d realize Blair’s triumphant smirk and easy access to the answer bowl does not bode well for her. The Dean gets to Serena and reads her answer — Pete Fairman. I’ll admit that didn’t ring a bell for me at first. Shocked, Serena struggles to explain who Pete is, and Blair helpfully interrupts to supply “Oh, he’s the man she killed.” Wow. You gotta give B credit for knowing how to take things to an entirely different level. At this point, I wouldn’t put it past her to exhume the body and drag it to New Haven tied to the bumper of her limo.

In the stunned silence that follows, Serena tries to spin it that Pete died in her presence, and she’s filled with regret even though she wasn’t responsible, and she would like the chance to talk to him again. Blair repeatedly interjects to embarrass Serena even further, finally asking Serena if she was responsible for the sex tape that wasn’t so sexy if you ask Blair. Serena asks the Dean if he minds if she and Blair step outside to sort things out, and he calmly agrees as if dead drug dealers and sex tapes are frequently discussed by prospective freshmen at his private receptions. S drags B out the door while Blair screams like a lunatic about her answer to the question, even clutching onto the door as Serena herds her out. It’s fantastic.

“You’re still going to admit me, right?!”

Outside, Serena tells at Blair that using Pete in her game is definitely messed up (agreed) while Blair hollers back Yale isn’t a game to her and that Serena crossed the line. They fight for a few more minutes before Serena dismisses Blair and turns to go back inside. Infuriated, Blair throws her clutch at Serena’s head — starting the catfight ’08 we’ve all been waiting for. As Serena stalks towards her, Blair snaps out that Serena’s only in good with the Dean because of her socialite status and Yale trying for a hipper image — not because she’s actually qualified as a student. Finally close enough, Serena jumps on her, and a physical brawl begins, complete with mad howling, purse beating, stiletto kicking, and two of my favorite lines of Gossip Girl dialogue ever:

Serena (ripping a gigantic headband from Blair’s head): I hate that stupid headband!

Blair: Owww, my headband!

Dan’s walking around, still congratulating himself on how right he is about everything, when the S & B boys run up and kidnap him like they did Chuck earlier. Now I don’t really think Dan is their type — and sure enough, we see Chuck lurking in the background. Looks like Ferret isn’t the only one fooled by a false identity. Whatever the S & B guys have planned for Dan/”Nate”, I’m all for it.

Home alone, Lily has decided to slip into the sexy black dress meant for Serena and see how bad her cellulite looks. Well her body looks amazing — regardless her age, Kelly Rutherford’s a beautiful woman — but I think it’s truly inappropriate for her. She looks like that sad older woman who may still be hot but can’t accept she’s no longer in her 20s. See also: Demi Moore. Jenny and Rufus arrive, for this is the destination of Jenny’s one last errand for Eleanor. Upon realizing he’s at Lily and Bart’s place, Rufus freaks out but Jenny reassures him that Lily’s not home. But she is, and she comes out wearing the second-skin dress. Jenny tries to give Lily something, but Rufus’s raging hard-on makes it uncomfortable for everyone so she quickly leaves the room. Once alone, Rufus compliments Lily, who tells him Jenny made the dress. Okay, that’s a little gross — anyone else a little sketched out that Rufus wants to rip the dress his daughter made right off of Lily and take her down to the floor right there? Jenny returns and Rufus leaves with her, but clearly those two will be doing it again soon. Oh and by the way, in their conversation Lily mentioned that Eric “has a new friend.” I really hope he’s getting some lovin’ — and that we get to see it!

“Jenny made your breasts look incredible. I should give her my compliments too.”

The real Nate is sitting at a bar at Yale, drunk off his ass and annoyed that Chuck stood him up after they made plans earlier. As he’s sitting there, the S & B boys prance in, congratulating each other on the lesson they just taught Nate Archibald — which culminated in tying him half-naked to a gazebo. Hopefully they had some other fun with him first. Like an idiot — I mean, really, what difference does it make now that they’ve already tortured Dan? — Nate approaches them and identifies himself, telling them he looks forward to coming to Yale next year and kicking their asses. And why not just begin now? He starts a fight with one dude, then throws a bar stool over to trip the rest up as he runs for the door with all of them chasing. Yeah, that was brilliant but about what I expect from Nate.

Meanwhile, Dan is hanging out in his boxers in the middle of campus, begging passerby to untie him from the gazebo. It’s a great visual, but since it’s Dan I’m enjoying laughing at his expense even more than I am enjoying checking him out. A winded Nate, sans S & B boys, approaches to help untie him. Because Dan is insufferable, instead of expressing gratitude he begins running his mouth AGAIN, saying that maybe he doesn’t want Nate’s help, and snottily saying that he didn’t lie about his name when Nate explains Dan’s predicament might be Nate’s fault. Seriously, Nate, leave his ass there. It’s the least he deserves as he has the balls to be a condescending asshole when he’s half-naked and tied up.

As Nate struggles with the knot, a horrified Dan sees the Ferret coming, taking an evening stroll between fucking random guys in her bed. Hilariously mumbling that he’s not too proud of his choice of boxers, Dan urges Nate to hurry up as the Ferret comes directly to them, smirking. Unfortunately, the Ferret decides to help out and takes over the knot-undoing, perhaps deciding these two will have to do for tonight’s bedfellows.

“Dude — think she’d go for ‘Two Dan Humphreys are better than one?’”

At the Dean’s house, Blair and Serena are putting themselves back together while Serena says she’s exhausted of all the fighting and backstabbing that’s occurred between them. Blair’s tired too, especially of feeling dark and evil next to Serena’s sunshine, and Serena sadly says that maybe they shouldn’t be friends then, since they were going to drift apart in college anyway. Blair agrees, but it’s obvious this is not what either girl really wants.

The next morning, Jenny enters the kitchen to find Rufus and Vanessa sitting chummily together, just like you’d expect to find your parents sitting at the kitchen table Sunday morning, sipping coffee and swapping sections of the newspaper. GROSS. Rufus babbles about following dreams, etc etc, and Vannesa excitedly chirps that Rufus asked her (because they talk on the phone now or what, stop, gross, gross) to bring over all her information on home schooling so Jenny can enroll and continue pursuing her fashion design dreams. As Jenny squeals with delight, Vanessa and Rufus beam like proud parents. I may barf.

Wearing another inappropriate outfit (semi-lowcut, short and tight this time), Serena approaches the Dean’s office just in time to see Blair leaving in a boldly mismatched patterned outfit. They debate passing without speaking, but give in to find out what the other one is doing there. Turns out they both came to tell the Dean the other one deserves to go to Yale more. This begins a sappy reconciliation, where they reminisce about their friendship and emotionally declare that they don’t want it to end. Ugh. I know these two can’t fight forever since their relationship is such a huge part of the show, but I was really hoping it’d last a little longer than 2 episodes. I also have a hard time believing it’s that easy to patch up after what was said over the past 2 weeks. Hopefully their words continue to have lasting effects.

Also up and about this morning are Dan, Nate and Ferret, which strikes me as faintly odd assuming they all went back to their separate rooms for the evening. Maybe she did want to be double-teamed by two Humphreys after all. I wouldn’t put anything past a girl who soberly brings a boy she just met back to her dorm room for some afternoon delights. They discuss Dan’s letter of recommendation, and Ferret decides she may be able to help him afterall. I’m taking it she hasn’t actually read any of his stuff yet, or he puts that Mr. Pussy guy from Sex and the City to shame.

“Well, I think the best part was when Dan 1 put my legs over his shoulders while Dan 2 tea-bagged me. But there were so many great moments, it’s hard to choose.”

Chuck’s got his luggage and valet ready to go when the S & B boys approach him to bitch him out for sending them after the wrong guy and to let him know his life will be hell at Yale next year. Undaunted, Chuck reveals he’s not going to Yale and hands them all a set of pictures of them with the call girls from the night before. As the boys flip through the stack (which honestly aren’t that bad…) Chuck announces that while they may be the future leaders of America, he now owns them and they’re under his control. The S & B boys crap themselves in fear, but I’m not too impressed. Seriously, name one leader of America who hasn’t banged his share of prostitutes. And if McCain wins, all we’ll have to do is expand the category to prostitutes and/or moose, and we’ll have Sarah Palin covered, too.

Nate’s waiting for Chuck and immediately begins yelling at Chuck for setting the S & B boys on Dan. Confused, Chuck points out that what he did saved Nate’s ass, but Nate doesn’t care, and is pissed Dan got victimized. I guess you do a threesome together, and you just naturally become friends. When you get that close to another guy’s dick, it’s either that or get reeeeeally uncomfortable. Chuck tells Nate to get in the car, and Nate refuses, saying he prefers to slum it on the train with Dan. Oh, snap.

Meanwhile. Blair and Serena are also heading off for NYC when Serena gets a phone call from the Dean, telling her that despite everything else, he’d like to see her sexy ass at Yale next year. Serena eagerly asks about Blair, and the Dean merely non-committally says Blair will find out in the spring with the rest of the applicants. Serena hangs up and the girls argue over whether S should accept — with Blair saying she must and Serena insisting she won’t. Ultimately, Serena vows to find a way to make it work, and they leave as BFFs once again.

So what did you think of this week’s episode? How awesome was the catfight? Did agree they resolved things between S and B too quickly and neatly though? Will Serena’s SAT scandal every come out? Will Dan and Nate become actual friends? How boring was the Jenny storyline? And I hope you enjoyed a Vanessa-light episode because it looks like we’ll get loads of her tonight!