Gossip Girl: Back to Basics

This week on Gossip Girl, the show finally returns to form as Blair and Chuck are at their best, Jenny and Vanessa finally have it out, and our predictions look like they’re coming true.

Plus: Extra Dorota!

We open with Blair and Serena at school, talking about what this show does best — another ridiculously extravagant ball/soiree/shitshow. Yay! This time it’s a senior snowflake charity ball, and B is losing her mind over deciding which of her many suitors she should accept an invitation from. Hilariously, she has a list — that not only includes each guy’s physical stats but also his GPA, parents’ occupations and his hobbies. I vote that she eliminates Keith Nelson for the “dog grooming” entry on his hobbies list. As she’s debating the pros and cons of each to an amusedly exasperated Serena, Chuck strolls up points out the obvious — none of these guys are for the long-run since Blair’s heart already belongs to Chuck. Blair glares at him and lists off the potentials — all of whom Chuck dismisses by pointing out how they’re wrong for Blair, much to her annoyance. Evidently she’s not a fan of oral fixations and being out-scored on her SATs. It’s an adorable scene, and I’m glad to see these two back to their bantering ways.

Serena escapes halfway through their mating ritual to chase after Dan — if he throws in a few condescending comments, we’ll have her and Dan’s old mating ritual. She thanks him for suggesting the perfect Chanukah gift for Aaron (which surprisingly is not flea powder), and reveals that Aaron turned down her invitation to the ball because he’s too fucking pseudo-hipster to go. What a douche. You’re a society brat as much as Serena is with Cyrus as your father, so go fuck yourself. Sorry, the Aaron rage is escalating over here, folks. Can Serena please date someone who doesn’t make me want to recommend him as OJ Simpson’s new cellmate? Dan suggests they can hang out together at the ball, since he’s going stag too. Serena agrees, and invites him to come to the gallery with her to visit Aaron, who happens to be hanging out with his ex, Lexi. Ten bucks Dan and Lexi hit it off, making Serena wildly jealous and longing for that high horse to coming riding back in her direction.

In the ghetto, Jenny is a one-woman OCD machine as she’s madly cleaning and organizing things to keep her mind off her trashtastic failed professional endeavors and Nate. She confuses the latter to Vanessa, she of the letter-stealing awfulness, who tells Little J to move on and forget about Nate. This would be heinous enough, but then Nate calls Vanessa and Vanessa lies to Jenny about having to go to the gallery. HATE. When Vanessa caught Jenny and Nate kissing at the fashion show, Jenny ditched Nate to chase after Vanessa, horrified that she’d hurt a friend like that. Just compare that to how Vanessa is acting now. Aggh. Anyway, Vanessa passes Penelope on her way out the door, and redeems herself a teeny tiny bit by amusingly greeting Penny with “Bye, sad Blair wannabe!” As for Penelope’s presence, she wants a custom-made ball gown from Jenny by tomorrow. Looks like someone’s found a new market.

“And what do we call this little jacket? Skunk-roadkill chic?”

Downtown, Lily is busy setting up the venue for the ball with Rufus’s help. They discuss how Lily hasn’t really talked to Bart since the whole Thanksgiving-PI files debacle, and how Rufus is thinking about coming to the dance himself to see the fruit of his labors. I think Lily’s more interested in seeing the fruit of his jockstrap, but whatever you want to call it works. Spying Bart alighting from his limo, Rufus’s fruit crawls up and he runs away, leaving a somber Bart telling Lily that they need to talk.

At the gallery, Lexi and Aaron are looking over Aaron’s Serena-themed exhibit while Lexi runs her mouth with all sorts of bitingly sarcastic commentary, including a few bits Serena and Dan overhear as they enter the room. It’s gotta be love at first self-important word for Dan.

Vanessa’s gone to meet Nate and is busy making out with him on the street when he asks her to go to the ball with him. She hesitates, and he correctly guesses that she hasn’t told Jenny yet about them dating. Nope, she’s been too busy rifling through Jenny’s crap and making her supposed best friend feel like a used plaything. She vaguely asks him how he would feel if he thought Jenny still liked him, and thinking that’s not at all a possibility, Nate assures V that he wants to be with V and no one else. Until something shiny catches his attention. Seriously, Nate has the focus of a retarded fruit bat. However, their secret won’t remain a secret for long as they get photographed while kissing. Hey Nate, remember when you got photographed kissing Jenny a few weeks ago and how well that went? This idiot just needs to stop coming out in public.

Speaking of Nate, Penelope is busy grilling Jenny about him back in the ghetto. Not because Penelope cares about Jenny’s feelings, but because she wants to ask him to the ball. If you remember, Penny had a pathetic, unrequited crush on him last season. Jenny nearly pulls some of Penelope’s hair out while denying there’s anything going on between them — just as they both get GG blasts on their phone, with the picture of Nate and Vanessa kissing. Amusingly, GG has captioned the photo: “Spotted: N swapping spit with a girl from an outer borough. Ew. Ew. Ew.” Hopefully one of these two will help Vanessa complete her roadkill ensemble by mangling her ass.

“You might want to think about hair extensions, Penny. We all know you’re going to be 75% plastic and fake in ten years anyway.”

Back to Lily and Bart, out on the street. She remains aloof as he explains he fired his PI and won’t be snooping anymore. Well, besides that phone call he made on Thanksgiving to dig into the background on Lily’s institutionalization. He apologizes, but she doesn’t think it’s enough, even when he vows to change. He offers to escort her to the ball, and she walks away without answering.

At the gallery, Serena is bitching to Aaron about Lexi, as Lexi and Dan hit it off talking about coffee beans plucked out of cat shit. Quelle romantique! Serena and Aaron agree that she will tolerate Lexi if he comes with her to the ball. At the same time, Dan and Lexi announce that Dan’s giving her a walking tour of Brooklyn. Sure enough, Serena looks displeased by this news. They should just have an orgy and get it out of everyone’s system. Don’t tell me Serena hasn’t done that before.

Penelope’s stormed off somewhere, probably to ask Blair for help in destroying Vanessa, since Penelope is useless without B’s guidance. This leaves Jenny home alone when Vanessa herself waltzes back into the loft, cheerily suggesting ordering pizza. Jenny confronts her about the GG blast, and Vanessa lamely apologizes then goes on the attack, reminding Jenny that Jenny kissed Nate behind Vanessa’s back first. See the difference there is that Jenny actually felt bad about that, and Nate genuinely liked Jenny — Jenny didn’t lie to Vanessa’s face about things and trick Nate into being with her because he thought his first choice wasn’t interested. Pissed, Jenny reminds Vanessa how bad she felt about that and how she chased after Vanessa, and then hits the nail on the head when she calls Vanessa “desperate.” HAHAHAHA. Exactly, Little J. Instead of realizing she is a pathetic, desperate cow, Vanessa accuses Jenny of being jealous and announces she will be going to the ball with Nate afterall. Please someone douse this bitch in pig’s blood at the dance.

Chuck is hanging around, playing the piano at Blair’s, which only makes him sexier in my book. When Blair arrives, he tells her he thinks he should pick her date for the ball. Intrigued, she agrees as long as she gets to pick his. But instead of trying to screw each other over on this, they decide they will legitimately try to find the ideal date for the other. If Chuck actually likes his date, Blair gets his limo for a month. Hilariously, if Blair actually likes her date, Chuck gets Dorota for a month. Seeing as though I’m sure Chuck has a whole boatload of new servants shipped over each month, I’m not sure why he wants Dorota, but I’m amused nonetheless.

“Sexy time with Mr. Chuck? This not what I sign up for when I leave Warsaw.”

Dan, Lexi, Serena and Aaron are doing that walking tour of Brooklyn while Lexi and Dan flirt and Serena scours the banks of the river for a bum to spit in her mouth and kill her. Serena announces Aaron will be going to the dance with her, and Lexi strong-arms Dan into inviting her as well. Aaron asks Serena privately if she’s okay with that, and Serena claims she is as long as Dan is. “I’m guessing Dan will wind up being more than fine with it.” “Meaning?” “Lexi likes to sleep with guys on the first date.” HAHAHA, good work Serena. Not only have you inadvertently helped your ex you’re not really over move on, but you helped him move on with an annoying, pushy slut.

At home, Bart finally confronts Chuck about giving Eric access to the safe with the PI files. Chuck looks momentarily guilty, and Bart resignedly tells him that everytime he thinks they’re making progress, Chuck shows his true colors. Now while I generally think Bart’s been a super shitty dad to Chuck, he does have a point there. Bart was wrong to have those files, but Chuck had to have realized the damage he would be doing to Bart’s marriage and his stepfamily by showing them to Eric. And Chuck loves his stepfamily. Maybe he was too busy worrying about his bromance last ep to consider the consequences.

Jenny arrives at Penelope’s, where Penny and the midget Hazel are plotting to destroy Vanessa. So far they’ve got a drawing of a stick figure with the words “shops at K-Mart” and “wears a size 4″ written around it. Jenny hands over Penelope’s dress as Iz comes out wearing her outfit for the ball — which makes her look like a stripper version of Statue of Liberty since it’s completely see through. Jenny mentions that Vanessa’s going to the ball with Nate, and Penelope suggests that Jenny offer Iz’s dress to Vanessa as a peace offering. A much better plan, ladies, but I’m hoping for a repeat of the Nairtini.

“Forget Vanessa! Can I wear that?”

Back at Blair’s, Blair is gleefully planning her ideal woman for Chuck while Serena gloomily warns her that seeing your ex move on isn’t as easy as it sounds. She whines about Lexi’s slutastic behaviors, and asks Blair if she should warn Dan. “Oh, absolutely. Guys hate to be caught off guard with sex on the first date!” Haha. Blair argues that Serena shouldn’t think about it, because Dan sure as hell isn’t thinking about her and Aaron having dirty, pseudo-hipster sex. Only… they haven’t had sex yet. Yeah, I’d be putting that one off as long as possible too, S.

Jenny arrives at the gallery and finds Vanessa wearing a sweater last seem in the Designing Women wardrobe department. She offers Iz’s dress to Vanessa, who happily accepts like a fucking moron. She tries it on — not standing in front of any light bulbs that will reveal it’s naughty tendencies — and tries to thank Jenny, who waves away the sentiment, perhaps feeling guilty for what she’s doing. Don’t worry, Little J, V deserves it even more than you know. Nate calls Vanessa then, and Jenny takes that as her cue to leave as Vanessa tells Nate there’s something she needs to tell him later that night.

Returning to Blair’s again, B is pacing around her dining room, berating Dorota over Dorota’s suggestions for Chuck’s date. The first suggestion is another slut and the second is somewhere between Mormon and moron. Blair demands to know where Dorota came up with this unworthy souls, and Dorota hilariously says, “Facebook! I joined few groups.” I so want to be Facebook friends with Dorota. Blair reminds Dorota of the consequences of Chuck not liking his date, and Dorota glumly replies that she doesn’t want to be stuck shining Mr. Chuck’s shoes for a month. “Yeah, his shoes if you’re lucky…” Blair scoffs. LOL. Their interactions are second only to Blair and Chuck’s.

Dan calls Serena to make sure she’s okay with the double date ball plans, and she lies awkwardly and says she is. Dan doesn’t seem to buy it completely, deeply sighing as he gets off the phone. Aaron joins Serena then, dressed in his tux and looking worse than usual. Most men look better in formal clothes, but this kid’s so greasy and dirty that at least his usual anti-establishment bullshit wardrobe suits him better. Obviously still bothered by the idea of Dan fumbling around on top of Lexi and probably crying into her hair later, Serena suggests that she and Aaron do the deed after the ball. I hope she packs a hazmat suit in her handbag.

“Some lice shampoo should clear that right up, darling.”

The time for the ball has basically arrived, and Lily has had a change of heart and calls Bart’s office to tell him she will let him accompany her to the ball. However, the secretary reveals it turns out Bart’s in a meeting — with the PI guy he supposedly fired. Good job, Bart. If you’re going to lie to loved ones, your secretary has to be in on it, or it’ll never work. When I started lying to my mother about being too busy to take her calls at work, you better believe my secretary was in on it on day 1. Duh.

And now it’s really time to party. Penelope, Hazel and Iz gleefully review their Vanessa plan while Penelope makes painfully obvious overtures to a bewildered Nate. Meanwhile, Chuck and Blair introduce the dates they arranged to each other — dates whom look eerily like Blair and Chuck, only beaten with an ugly stick a few dozen times. Chuck 2.0, in particular, is a little heinous. Ed Westwick’s features are unique in that sometimes he looks extremely sensual and sometimes he looks plain fug. Chuck 2.0 only has the latter.

Across the room, surrounded by gyrating couples with no rhythm, Lexi observes Aaron and Serena and drops the bombshell on Dan that Serena told Aaron they can play hide-the-sausage later. Dan stutters and drools (careful Lexi, here’s the preview for your evening later tonight), claiming he doesn’t care at all about that. However, when he later dances with Serena, guess what’s the first thing Dan brings up (no pun intended)? Serena is surprised to hear that Aaron told Lexi who told Dan, and awkwardly justifies the decision before turning the tables on Dan and mentioning Lexi’s seduction plans. While also surprised, Dan doesn’t seem too against the idea of banging Lexi, noting that he hasn’t gotten laid in a long time, which pisses the fuck out of Serena and causes her to storm away. B warned you, S. He’d be gay if he weren’t somewhat intrigued by the idea.

“What about tea bagging? Is that included?”

Lily arrives at the ball and finds Rufus, announcing that she’s leaving Bart when Rufus asks where he is. Without a word, he takes her in his arms and they begin to dance.

Jenny arrives at the ball and is busted by Vanessa, who reveals she’s ending things with Nate that night. Vanessa hurries away to go tell Nate exactly that while Jenny realizes that the see-through dress revenge might not be quite as justified anymore. Eh, fuck it, on with the show! V finds Nate and begins crying, telling him she’s never felt this way about anyone before, and it made her act like an insane, wretched bitch. She pulls out the letter she stole, and admits she swiped it to prevent Jenny from knowing Nate still cared. She apologizes again and whirls away before Nate can say anything to her.

Watching from the sidelines, Jenny calls V’s name and darts forward with a jacket just as Hazel cues a spotlight right on V, revealing the see through dress. Everyone points and laughs while Vanessa, Nate and Jenny stand silently in various degrees of shock, embarrassment and anger. Vanessa finally moves and storms past Jenny, ignoring Little J and Jenny’s offers of the jacket.

Unless there are some areolas showing that we can’t see on TV, I don’t see what the big fucking deal is here. Hell, if I had that ass, I’d wear that dress and carry a flashlight around.

With Vanessa gone, Nate goes to find Jenny and ask her role in the humiliation. Jenny admits she was partially behind it, and Nate bitches at her that public humiliation was uncalled for. I disagree because 1) I don’t think what they did was that bad, they made Cabbage Patch BALD for chrissakes and 2) Vanessa had it coming to her. Nate pulls out the letter and admits he had feelings for her and wrote her that letter, which Vanessa stole. Not really helping Jenny feel remorse for her actions, N. She tries to explain that things would be different if she’d gotten that letter, and he interrupts to inform her that he’s glad she didn’t because she’s not who he thought she was. Okay, Nate can be annoyed with Jenny for this, but he has to be at least equally annoyed with Vanessa for stealing his shit and making both him and Jenny feel like crap, right? Maybe once again I’m attributing too much common sense and/or too many brain cells to Nate…

Chuck and Blair have been fighting for a while about their fug dopplegangers when they finally decide the bet is still on and they will make the most of their dates. They begin scouring the ball for their dates — only to find Blair 2.0 and Chuck 2.0 making out in a corner. Blair notes this is a horrible out-of-body experience as she screams and starts clapping her hands at the couple like you do when your puppy starts to take a piss on your rug. The dopplegangers explain they were as surprised as the originals when they hit it off, but it’s fate. Then they go back to making out. Bad dog! Upset, Blair turns to Chuck and demands how even their fug twins can make it work and they can’t. When he doesn’t have an answer for her, she stalks away.

Lily and Rufus are now sitting around, talking about how bad she’s going to hurt Bart when she leaves him. Rufus, for the most part, looks bored and uncomfortable, as he should. She begs him to toss a morsel of affection her way, since we all know a woman who’s been married and divorced as many times as Lily has been is a glutton for male attention. He painfully admits that he’s regretted every day since he banged her on her wedding day, because he never should have let her go. Lily’s all hearts and butterflies — as we see Chuck skulking in the background…

“Hmm? What? Did I mention how nice your tits look tonight? Can we have sex now?”

We then join Bart in his limo — and learn he actually DID fire his PI guy, but the PI guy isn’t walking away from a hefty retainer without a fight. The PI insists that Bart wants to know why Lily was institutionalized, and Bart’s insisting he doesn’t just as Chuck calls — and informs daddy that Dan’s bed isn’t the only one in the ghetto that’s going to be a-rockin’ tonight at this rate. Hanging up, Bart looks resigned and tells the PI dude to give him the dirt. I’m not really sure how learning terrible things about Lily helps here, unless he’s planning on blackmailing her to stay with him. Although I wouldn’t put that past him, I suppose.

Back at the party, Chuck confronts Lily and tells her he always liked her and that she was good for the family. While Rufus listens in the background and concentrates on downshifting his boner, Chuck informs Lily that Bart is on his way to the party and that she owes him a conversation. Cowed, Lily meekly nods in agreement.

Outside, Nate stops Vanessa just as she’s getting into a cab. He unnecessarily rehashes her confession while she dissolves into a crying, snotty mess, which is somewhat of a dick move on his part. But it’s Nate. He’s probably just beginning to process what she told him. He then shakes his head and says that when she walked away from him tonight, all he could think was “DAY-UM I wanna tap that ass tonight!” No, wait. He actually says, “She’s the one I want to be with…” …because I can see the goods and they are looking mighty fine! Come on, what teenage boy — especially one as horny as Nate — was really thinking anything other than that when her bizzness was on display like that? He moves in for a tender smooch and climbs in the cab with her — as a desolate Jenny watches across the street.

“Oh darling, you taste like salty tears, sweet roses, and… snot. Yes, that’s definitely snot.”

Penelope and the other minions spot Jenny on the street and swarm her, bitching that they saw her try to save Vanessa before the lights went on. Annoyed, Jenny snaps that she thinks they’re all pathetic, and Penny taunts that it’s easy to talk big when you’re hiding out in Brooklyn. Jenny agrees, and declares that maybe she’ll see them around more. Looks like someone’s coming back to school, to which I saw thank God. Jenny’s not my favorite any day, but her fashion storyline has been intolerable. Bring her back to Constance and fighting with Blair and the minions any day of the week.

Chuck goes back inside and finds Blair, who’s moodily staring at the dopplegangers and the other dancers. He asks her to dance with him, and she protests, reminding him of his statement weeks ago that they can’t be together because they would lose everything they have. He gently tells her to shut up and dance with him, because they could have tonight if they take it. Bemused, Blair silently follows him onto the floor. It’s not nearly as good as when he got her to dance with him at Lily and Bart’s wedding, but cute nonetheless.

It’s the end of the night, so Lexi’s whispering sweet nothings in Dan’s ear about whips, restraints and nipple clamps while he laughs uncomfortably and lamely suggest they say goodbye to Serena and Aaron before leaving. Just then, S and A show up, and Serena asks to speak to Dan privately for a moment. Once alone, she apologizes for her earlier behavior, and after a few moments of awkward staring at the floor, they both admit that the time they first had sex was the best night of their lives, and now going to have sex with other people feels like they’re severing a huge and final bond. You know what would have made this less uncomfortable? Not talking to your ex about who you’re going to bone later that night! Idiots.

Meanwhile, Lily gets a phone call from a restricted number, and her jaw drops when she answers it and hears the other person speaking. Of course, we have no idea what the hell is going on. She runs up to Lily and Dan, interrupting them, and reveals that Bart’s been in an accident. Okay, looks like our death predictions were true, Gasmii.

So what did you think? I thought this episode was pretty damn awesome, especially compared to the recent ones we’ve been dealing with. Do you think Bart’s a dead man? Will he have a chance to reveal Lily’s secret before he dies, or will the PI look for someone else to pay him for the information? Is there a potential future for Blair and Chuck afterall? Are they hinting at Dan and Serena reuniting? Will Jenny return to Constance? And what the hell IS Lily’s secret? I’m still going with Rufus’s love child as my guess.