Gossip Girl: Blair Waldorf Is Falling Down

This is it, everyone: the season finale/series finale/God knows what of Gossip Girl! As we wait to find out what the strike means for the future of the show, we’re left with a fantastic, heart-wrenching episode to chew on. Blair finally gets the comeuppance she’s been slowing making her way towards, Nate adds another entry on the list of reasons why I hate him (this time for being a hypocritical asshole), and Serena proves that no matter how bland she is, at least she’s a great friend. Join me for some baby daddy drama, UES style!

Who’s your daddy?

We dive right into this week’s episode with some random Gossip Girl flunky catching Serena in a drug store frantically buying pregnancy tests. The flunky of course sends the pictures to Gossip Girl (who evidently has no life and never leaves her computer… which may or may not also resemble my life), and they’re out in the public domain within minutes.

The Middle-Aged Prep School Quintet takes a quick break to smoke some ganga and check out the latest on Gossip Girl.

Of the core group, Jenny is the first to hear the news when she sees it on the Gossip Girl website on her home computer. She lets out an ear-splitting shriek, which causes Dan and Rufus to rush in and gawk at the screen. Way to be subtle, Little J. Rufus, trying hard to look intimidating in the gray cardigan he’s a-rockin’, gives his son the disappointed parent lecture while Dan bravely declares his love for Serena and announces he will support whatever decision she makes. Rufus suggests that Dan find out whether Serena’s actually preggers, and leaves the room to change into even more intimidating clothing in case they need to have another father-son talk later. I hear he’s thinking about some footed jammies. You know, the ones with the trap door in the ass.

Up next is Eric, who receives the text while he’s with the fallen woman herself. He shows the phone to Serena, who vomits in her mouth and bit and then goes through the embarrassing explanation that that wasn’t morning sickness.

Later that morning, Serena’s prowling around the courtyard at school, fending off giggles and waiting for Dan. The proud papa finally arrives, and she quickly tells him she’s not pregnant – just as announces he loves her. Serena ignores the declaration and says she has to go find Blair. Dan’s little face crumbles in disappointment over her reaction, and they awkwardly kiss goodbye, as if his sperm is going to magically leap from his mouth into her ovaries at any moment. That’d be both gross and inconvenient. Can you imagine? Someone coughs without covering his mouth on a crowded subway and it’s like, shit, now I’m pregnant, asshole. Thanks.

Blair’s holding court on the steps of the Met with the minions and these two random girls that have been hanging around lately. I notice that they’re both Caucasian, so perhaps the writers of this show finally realized there was something vaguely inappropriate with the only two minorities operating as practical slaves to a white girl. They even get speaking lines! Anyway, Jenny approaches the group and Blair immediately begins treating her like shit until Jenny gets up and leaves. Simultaneously, Serena arrives, announces she’s not with child, and pulls Blair aside for a private conversation.

I count 4 ugly headbands, 1 clashing set of earmuffs, and 1 stupid, stupid little hat. The costume designer needs to back awaaaay from the accessories closet. (For another example, see Chuck in about 2 minutes).

They begin squabbling, and we learn that Blair’s missed a period, been more bitchy than usual (which is just a scary thought, considering how sweet and charming she usually is), and is in complete denial over the whole situation despite having confessed the missed period to Serena sometime off-screen. Serena thrusts the pregnancy test in Blair’s hands, and tells her to man up and pee on a stick.

Back at school, Blair and Nate are cuddling and talking about visiting Cappy McDouche in rehab, while Chuck slinks around the corner, looking like a reject from the cast of “Newsies” in his pageboy hat. He manages to catch Blair’s eye as she’s making out with Nate, and gives her a dark look that she blithely ignores. It’s kind of gross to me the way both Nate and Blair spend most of their time making out with each other eyeing Chuck. I guess though Blair’s already proven herself an exhibitionist at the burlesque club. And we all know Chuck’s a voyeur.

The Humphreys are returning home to the ghetto, where Rufus is waiting for the news on Serena’s delicate condition. You’d think Dan would have texted dear old Dad once he found out, but evidently Dan’s a much crappier son than that. Sadly, Rufus decided his cardigan was intimidating enough, so he is not wearing trapdoor PJs. Dan reassures Rufus that Serena’s probably infertile, since a girl who’s had as much wild sex as she has would have surely been pregnant by now if she was capable of reproducing. Darwinism at work, ladies and gentlemen. With that out of the way, Dan whines to Rufus and Jenny that he told Serena he loves her, and he’s worried she thinks he only said it because of the non-existent baby. Rufus suggests Dan slow things down with Serena and bails, while Jenny dismisses Rufus as old and alone and encourages Dan to tell Serena again in less stressful conditions. Good advice from Jenny, but this is setting up what I fear is an even more annoying Dan-Serena plot than normal.

As God as my witness, I’ll never dress age-appropriately again!

Serena, meanwhile, has shown up at Blair’s to lecture her more about the pregnancy test. Blair, all happy that Nate’s opening up to her emotionally by taking her to see Cappy in rehab (aka he doesn’t want to see his douchebag father alone and wants to bring Blair as a buffer), blows Serena off again. She even reverts back to her old ways of striking out defensively, saying she hasn’t been on the pill since she was 15, unlike other people. Now Blair, that’s not fair. You know Serena only started the pill because she was irregular and had some acne problems. It had nothing to do with her being a dirty, dirty whore.

Later that night, Dan and Serena are eating dinner at his place, as he tries to create the perfect atmosphere for declaring his love. For future reference – your dad’s living room with your little sister home, while “Bella Notte” or some other clichéd Italian music plays in the background, isn’t it. Or maybe I’m wrong and they’re just doing a live reenactment of “Lady and the Tramp.” Dan stumbles over his words as he tries to express himself until Jenny interrupts them to get some juice from the fridge, and retreats back to her room. The mood temporarily ruined, Serena decides to tell Dan that the pregnancy test was for Blair, and that Chuck would be the daddy. The idea of Chuck spawning scares the bejesus out of Dan – and out of Jenny, who’s hovering in the doorway of her room, hearing every word. Hey Serena, next time you divulge your best friend’s deepest and darkest secrets, try looking over your shoulder first, you twit.

At the gallery, Rufus and his cardigan are on the prowl, as he flirts with an attractive younger woman who gives him her number and demands that he call her. As she leaves, we see Bex, the oddly-named art dealer who bought a piece for Lily earlier in the season. Evidently Rufus is shooting out pheromones tonight, because Bex also immediately begins sniffing around for a date as he points out a new beautiful mixed-media piece in the gallery. They make plans to go out the next night.

Neither beautiful nor mixed-media. Proof that if you try to buy a painting from Rufus, he’ll sell you a soiled napkin with some pen scribbles on it and wonder why you look so pissed.

After having talked to Dan – and having ruined Blair’s life – Serena decides to go tell Chuck to start getting some “Who’s Your Daddy?” shirts made. She thinks that if anyone can make Blair wake up, take the test, and face reality, it’s the Chuckster. He insults her a few times – a few suggestions of incest, a few reprimands about safe sex, the usual – before breaking character and telling Serena that he realizes she’s there about Blair. He reassures her that he’s done torturing Blair, and won’t tell Nate that they ever hooked up. But Serena tells him that may be a moo point (it’s like a cow’s opinion), since Blair may be pregnant with his baby. Chuck puts the kibosh on that idea, insists he suited up, and points out there’s another contender in the running – Nate. Serena’s mouth drops open in shock. Whether it’s over surprise that Blair didn’t tell her, or that Nate finally agreed to have sex with Blair after months of cowering in the corner every time she brought it up, is uncertain.

Judging from these pics, I’m hoping it’s Baby Bluck, not Baby Blate.

The next morning, Rufus asks Dan what he thinks about him going out with Bex. Dan just doesn’t want Rufus to wear the tacky plaid shirt he’s currently got on. Jenny enters the room and also agrees that the shirt is fug. Honestly, I don’t see much difference between this plaid shirt and the other ones in Rufus’ collection, but whatevs. At least it’s better than the cardigan. As for Rufus dating Bex or the other hornster that was after him, no one gives a shit. Including me.

Serena shows up at Blair’s for another round of pregnancy test harassment, and wastes no time lecturing Blair about failing to tell her she diddled Nate as well. Incensed, Blair exclaims that Serena had no right to go to Chuck, and the girls fight until Serena finally gives up and leaves just as Eleanor enters the room. Having only overheard the tail end of the conversation, Eleanor mistakenly believes the girls were fighting over Blair’s bulimia, and she confronts Blair with the fact she was puking the other morning. So either Blair is really pregnant, or she’s barfing again. Either way, the girl must spend a fortune on breath mints. At least you would hope.

But all the nagging has finally done the trick, and Blair resigns herself to taking the pregnancy test after hilariously commanding her body not to be pregnant. That didn’t work for Jamie Lynn, and it’s not going to work for you, honey. But here’s the good news – the world will be spared both Baby Bluck’s alcoholism and Baby Blate’s deformities, as Blair is not pregnant! She calls Serena to apologize and share the good news. The girls squeal in happiness, and all is forgiven between them.

I love how Serena’s managed to scare the crap out of the guy behind her.

Chuck accosts Blair as she’s arriving at school, and she quickly tells him that she’s not knocked up, and calls his bluff on telling Nate about them, since he doesn’t want Nate to hate him. Chuck somewhat pathetically insists the game is not over yet, and she brushes him off and confidently stalks away. Scorned and pushed to the limit, Chuck pulls out his cell phone and furiously texts (seriously he should take on that kid in Utah who texted 160 characters in like 42 seconds) Gossip Girl, revealing that Serena bought the pregnancy test for Blair, and that Blair had sex with two different guys in one week. Don’t mess with the bull, young lady. You’ll get the horns.

Meanwhile, Dan’s planned another romantic date, this one an outdoor picnic despite the cold temperatures. Dan awkwardly babbles for a few moments while Serena teases him, although she’s not doing much to make this easier on the guy. But just as Dan’s about to get out those three little words, Serena’s homework blows across the park and she goes galloping after it. An older man helps her gather the pages, and she enthusiastically tells him that she loves him for helping her. Behind her, we see Dan nearly soil himself (a frequent problem evidently) over the irony of that. When Serena returns, Dan decides to hold off on his declaration once again, which Serena accepts without pushing him for why he’s been acting like such a crackhead lately.

And… there go my best pants. Dammit!

It’s the text message heard round the world, as Gossip Girl begins spreading the tip that Chuck sent her. Blair gets the message and runs away from school, as nasty conversation swirls around her. Once choice tidbit is some catty girl gossiping that Blair should learn to keep her legs closed, which shocks and entertains me with its crassness. Someone else speculates they can see the baby bump on Blair’s perfectly toned abdomen. That same bitch would look at my stomach and insist I’m nine months into my quintuplet pregnancy. Meanwhile, a shell-shocked Nate runs into Jenny, and he quickly insists that it’s all a lie designed to hurt Blair. Jenny hesitates a few moments, but ultimately Blair’s bitchiness is her own worst enemy as Jenny gets her revenge by confirming the text.

Nate practically flies out of the school, and grabs Chuck, who’s standing idly by. Nate grasps him around the neck and throws him onto the hood of his limo as Chuck protests that he doesn’t like it that rough. Undaunted, Nate screams at Chuck for sleeping with Blair, while Chuck tries frantically to come up with the right words to calm Nate down. First, he plays it off as just a game by saying he only took from Blair what Nate kept throwing away. No dice. Next, he insists he was there for Blair when she needed someone. This pricks Nate’s ears, and he demands if Chuck has feelings for Blair. This strikes too close to home for Chuck, who after getting burned by Blair will never admit he did fall for her, so he instead channels Ross Gellar and argues that Nate and Blair were on a break. Disgusted, Nate declares the friendship over, while Chuck tries not to cry and slinks back in his limo.

Nathaniel, you’re still my one true love!

Blair’s waiting for Nate at his house when he gets home. She begs for forgiveness, but Nate’s on his high, hypocritical horse, and won’t listen to a word she says. He dumps her, and acidly insists that she and Chuck are perfect for each other. I agree, B! Blair protests that Chuck will twist everything so he comes out on top, and Nate reveals his confirmation came from Jenny. As Blair begins to seethe, Nate lectures her not to blame anyone but herself and to get the hell out.

Annnnd the cardigan is back, as horny ho 1 arrives at the gallery to ask Rufus out on a date for that evening – on a dare from her friends, nonetheless. That’s so adult and sexy. As he’s trying to find a way out of that, Bex arrives for their scheduled date. He confuses their names, and Bex decides she doesn’t need any man that repeatedly wears a cardigan, and leaves Rufus in horny ho 1′s clutches.

Serena arrives at Blair’s, and is accused of telling Jenny about Chuck. Serena denies the charges, and Blair points out that if Serena told Dan, that explains why Jenny found out. Shocked and horrified that she may have indirectly caused this to happen, Serena nonetheless insists this wasn’t the poor people’s fault. Blair lashes into her, saying that things are different for Serena than Blair, since Serena already earned herself a reputation as a slut, but this is new for Blair, and new to the Waldorfs as a whole. Finally at her breaking point with Blair’s defensive attacks, Serena says Blair’s on her own then, and storms out.

The next morning, Jenny uncertainly approaches the mixed minion group on the steps of the Met. The girls welcome her just as Blair arrives and demands to know what Jenny is doing there. But to Jenny and Blair’s surprise, one of the new minions interjects to insist that Jenny stay, since Blair’s no longer in any position to determine who’s welcome in the group. Both of the new minions throw down with Blair, call her a slut, and declare her dethroned before walking away. The old minions, proving that they’re not loyal to Blair but truly mindless, meekly follow the new minions. Jenny hesitates between the mixed minions and Blair, and Blair seizes the opportunity to threaten Jenny with ruination should she abandon her now. Leighton Meester is excellent here, as it’s clear that Blair’s threats are actually her form of desperate begging. But Jenny’s either too stupid or too angry to give in, and she chooses the mixed minions, leaving a shocked and hurt Blair standing alone.

Minion standards appear to be slipping…

Serena’s all stressed out, and she goes up to Dan at school to ask if he told Jenny about Chuck. He maintains his innocence, and explains that he wouldn’t have done that because he loves her. Unable to process the change in the conversation’s focus, Serena gapes at him for a few moments before finally saying “Okay.” Needless to say, this doesn’t go over so well and Dan has a temper tantrum and stomps off to suck his thumb in a corner somewhere.

She heads home to talk to Eric about what an asshole she is. Eric is the voice of reason, and points out that Jenny probably eavesdropped on Dan and Serena’s conversation. He also plays Dr. Phil for a bit and suggests that Serena’s reaction to ‘I Love You’ was based off of the fact that Lily has married every man who’s ever said that, and it’s always ended in divorce. Looks like those group therapy sessions paid off, Eric.

Blair finds Chuck drinking alone at the bar, and congratulates him on ruining her life. She says that she has no one to turn to but him, which he quickly denies. He claims that she held a fascination for him when she was pure and good, but now she’s like one of his father’s Arabians – rode hard and put away wet. That’s pretty harsh, although Logan Echolls said it better. He tells her doesn’t want her anymore, and with tears in her eyes, Blair silently leaves. It’s worth noting that Chuck didn’t seem to take any pleasure in shutting Blair down – and he did it in an almost detached manner, as if he was merely saying the words but not believing them. I think Blair’s simply stomped on his pride too many times, and Chuck is too determined not to need anyone, for him to open his arms and provide the comfort they both desperately need. Either that or he was stoned again.

Arriving home, Blair encounters Eleanor and asks to spend the next semester of school in France at the Gay Chateau with Gay Dad and Roman. Kneeling and resting her head on her mother’s knee, she finally breaks down into tears, and Eleanor worriedly promises to get Blair a flight out of NYC tomorrow. Not much is said in this scene, but not much is needed as Blair has finally found some solace.

Mommy, please don’t make me wear your ugly clothes anymore!

The next day at school, Jenny’s hanging around with the mixed minions. The minions suggest a little shopping trip, but Jenny says she can’t make it because she has to go to the library to return some books. This is the second time in this episode that Jenny has mentioned returning books. When I was in high school, I don’t think I checked a single one out in four years. What the hell is Jenny doing, systemically reading Encyclopedia Britannica cover to cover? Anyway, one of the new minions, who appears to be taking over Blair’s top spot, quickly turns to a young girl hovering around the group, and announces that the girl will return Jenny’s books for her. The girl’s all for it, and Jenny hesitantly agrees, perhaps recognizing that the girl’s nauseating eager beaver attitude is exactly how Jenny herself used to act. But Jenny shakes it off, and with a cocky smirk she heads off with her new clique.

Meanwhile in old fart land, Rufus has been leaving awkward messages on Bex’s phone for a few days, begging for forgiveness even though it wasn’t really his fault that horny ho 1 came up to scratch just before their date. Bex finally gives in and arrives at the gallery to announce that she’s forgiven Rufus for horny ho 1 and for wearing a cardigan on what was supposed to be their first date. He explains that he’s new to the dating game, having been married for close to 20 years, and before that, nailing every groupie in sight. She overlooks the high possibility of multiple STDs, and they decide to give it another shot.

Serena shows up in the ghetto to ask Dan why he loves her. Surely not because of her lack of personality and slurring speech. Dan rattles off the list of random, endearing qualities he loves about her – oddly including something about her laughing like a four year old which prompts a terrible fake laugh from Blake Lively – and she finally declares her love as well. But this emotional breakthrough makes Serena determined to stand by Blair regardless of whatever insults she may have to weather, and she races off to catch Blair before the latter hops a plane for the Gay Chateau.

She catches Blair on a helipad, seconds before taking off for JFK. Blair frostily greets Serena, determined to escape rather than face her problems. Serena begs Blair to stay and ride out the scandal, with Serena at her side. Blair cracks a little, as tears well up in her eyes and she chokes out that she’s so embarrassed by that’s happened. Serena urges Blair to start over, and Blair finally agrees to go home and fight. As the two girls head back, Gossip Girl warns us that this will not be the last scandal – everyone’s going to go down if Blair has anything to do about it. I’m counting on it, GG.

Did the CW really spring for a helicopter? I’m surprised it’s not a cardboard cutout with some masking tape and Elmer’s Glue.

Well that’s it everyone – the last pre-strike episode, and possibly the season finale. If this is the last one we get this year, I’m pretty happy with where things are for now. I just hope that Blair fights back with a vengeance, and doesn’t become Serena 2.0, all reformed and good and boring as hell. What do you think? Will Blair stay true to her bitchy ways, or will she start over as bland as Serena? Is Jenny poised to have all the social success she ever wanted, or will Blair’s revenge rip everything away? Is Chuck really as callous as he tried to be, or does he still harbor secret feelings for Blair? Will either Chuck or Nate change their minds and take her back? And does anyone else wish Serena was actually pregnant, just to give her a more interesting storyline?

Whenever Gossip Girl comes back, I’ll be back. Until then, enjoy the repeats, and I hope you can all join me on Top Chef starting in March. Thank you all for reading, commenting, and spending time with me on this little show that I truly have come to love.

XOXO, LoLo