Gossip Girl: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

This week on Gossip Girl, Jenny’s mullet takes center stage as she befriends Mini Coop, shoots daggers of hatred at Eleanor through her raccoon eyes, and trades being molested by one creepily older dude for another.

“Welcome to the NYC, bitch!”

We begin this week with Blair’s sexually explicit dream featuring her, Chuck, a limo, and presumably Audrey Hepburn. Dorota wakes her up for breakfast, and Blair insists she’ll be once she “finishes something.” Hilariously, Dorota narrows her eyes and warns her that God is always watching. Well, God’s in for a good show if that’s the case.

In the ghetto, Jenny is debuting her new mullet while running around the loft and freaking out about work. She races into the bathroom to pee before she leaves, and slams into half-naked Nate, on his way out. Nate further proves his stupidity by complimenting the mullet, then blatantly checking out Jenny’s ass in front of her father and brother as Little J decides she’ll just pee at work and leaves. Wtf?

Blair is walking down the street when Chuck pulls up in his limo to offer her a ride. Blair refuses by making a sexual innuendo, and Chuck begins telling her that he was too hasty in his throwing of the gauntlet last week — and then gives her puppy dog eyes. Okay, he’s full of crap. There’s only one way Chuck likes to imitate dogs, and it’s not in making facial expressions. Sure enough, as Blair steps forward and reaches for the door handle, Chuck flips on the lock and demands she say the three words first. Her “I hate you” response doesn’t suffice, and he drives away.

Jenny’s at work with… Mini Coop! I fucking loved Willa Holland in the O.C. She and Autumn Reeser are what got me through the third and fourth seasons without ripping off my own arm and beating myself unconscious with it. Mini Coop’s character is a model named Agnes, but I’m calling her Mini Coop. Anyway, Jenny’s busy altering a dress for Mini Coop when a Bloomingdales buyer arrives for a meeting. Excited because Eleanor had promised Jenny could attend the meeting, Jenny asks Eleanor if she should take notes — only to be laughed at and told she has to finish her alterations instead. I know we’re supposed to think Eleanor’s a huge bitch for that move but 1) I have difficulty feeling sorry for Little J most of the time, 2) that’s real life, suck it up, and 3) you have a mullet, Jenny. Need I say more?

“What do you have against mullets? This is discrimination!”

Before she can react too much to that disappointment, Nate arrives with Jenny’s sketchbook that she accidentally had left at home. They smile and flirt a bit before he takes off for school, causing Mini Coop to comment that Nate totally wants to do Jenny, whether he thinks of her as a little sister or not. I think she’s right, since the way Chace Crawford subtly plays Nate liking Jenny is refraining from chasing her around with his dick hanging out. Nate seriously needs to get ahold of himself and stop trying to bang every girl in the 5 boroughs. And since when does he like Jenny? I know it’s been suggested before, as in last season, but… okay.

At school, Dan and Serena are somewhat awkwardly trying to continue down the path of friendship they started on last week when Blair arrives and orders Dan to leave so she can get Chuck advice from Serena. Serena sticks up for Dan, telling Blair that a guy’s perspective may be helpful, and Dan reluctantly stays, knowing that a penis in the pants does not a guy perspective make. Blair smirks at Dan and announces her dilemma — she has an itch only Chuck can scratch, and Chuck won’t oblige her until she says I love you. Dan girds his loins and clarifies that Blair can’t get Chuck to sleep with her — prompting Blair to whirl on Serena and demand whether Serena heard the judgment in Dan’s voice right then. “He’s working on that…” Serena hilariously replies. Please. Work harder.

Dan suggests Blair just say it to get what she wants, but Blair insists then Chuck would win and even though she’d get laid, that’s not an option. Blair’s idea is to run away and make Chuck miss her, but Dan thinks that’s terrible and proposes the opposite — be around Chuck constantly until Chuck breaks down and has his way with her in the middle of trig class. Pleased with that idea and its potential for saving her money on all the batteries she’s been buying lately, Blair runs off.

“Yes, please, do continue talking about your vagina.”

At work, Eleanor is apologizing to Jenny for freezing her out of the buyer’s meeting earlier, revealing that the buyers are already asking about next season’s clothes — which Eleanor hasn’t started on — and she’s stressed out. However, the Bloomingdales buyer did see one new thing he liked — the dress Jenny is wearing, that Jenny made herself. Jenny is flattered and lets Eleanor bully her into letting Eleanor claim the dress as her own design for some more buyers’ meetings the next day, in exchange for letting Jenny attend the meetings. Yeah right, that’s so not going to happen. Only problem is, the dress will need to be remade in Eleanor’s own fabrics, and even though it’ll be a huge production to do that, involving tearing apart the current dress, Jenny has to get it done by morning. Overwhelmed, Jenny flips her party in the back and agrees.

Blair’s already making good on Dan’s seduction idea, perching on Chuck’s limo and revealing her lace-topped thigh-high stockings when Chuck strolls by. She suggests they go get a drink and Chuck agrees after another failed attempt to get B to say I love you. At the bar, Blair informs him that she’s been trying out new perfumes and pulls aside the collar of her shirt and asks him to tell her what he thinks. Chuck leans into her neck and inhales — then tells her it smells a bit like desperation. Undaunted, Blair dumps her martini on Chuck’s crotch and begins rubbing it with a napkin while cooing apologies. Very subtle, B. While not try to funnel it up with your mouth. Chuck looks at her for a minute before standing up and informing her that he gave her a shot and that while her attempts were admirable, “I’m bored. And you ruined my pants.” Blair is left alone with no Chuck and no martini. Sad panda.

Serena has arrived at Rufus’ gallery, looking for Dan, when she runs into Aaron Rose, a young artist whose work Rufus is featuring in an upcoming show. Besides some cliched, anti-establishment eye-glass frames, Aaron is cute and there’s obviously a spark between him and S. Meanwhile, Dan and Vanessa are helping set up Aaron’s show when Blair calls Dan to sarcastically thank him for his advice and report that Chuck was completely unmoved by her seduction attempts. Dan asks her if she’s sure Chuck wasn’t just pretending to be uninterested and Blair snaps back, “Unfortunately, there was no hard evidence of that. Literally.” LOL. Dan fights down the vomit and suggests that Blair simply stalk Chuck back to his lair and intercept him. Blair yet again takes his advice. Getting off the phone with B, he goes to fetch Serena, finding S and Aaron giggling away. Surprisingly, Dan doesn’t overreact too much, even when Serena transparently corrects Aaron’s assumption that she and Dan are dating.

“Here’s my advice: slide one hand down your silky calf while the other removes pins and lets your luxuriant hair tumble around you shoulders… lick your lips while running your hands up his chest and sliding that goddamn fucking scarf from his lapels…”

Little J is out on the town with Mini Coop, worried about finishing the dress remake in time and bitching about Eleanor. And you’re out drinking then… why? Admiring Jenny’s dress, Mini Coop demands to know where Jenny got it, because it’s clearly not Eleanor’s design. Jenny admits she made it herself, and a squealing Mini Coop drags her into the bathroom to switch outfits. Once changed — with Mini Coop’s fug hat squishing Jenny’s business in the front in her eyes — they return to their table and run into Max, a photographer friend of Mini Coop. They hang out for a while, getting drunk and snapping pictures, until Mini Coop gets a call from some stylist friends to go meet up. Jenny realizes she should probably go home and work on the dress for Eleanor, and insists she has to leave even when Mini Coop and Max insist that the stylist friends would be great connections. Disappointed, Mini Coop heads out — before Jenny remembers that since Mini Coop is still wearing her dress, she’s screwed without it. Whoopsie. And Little J messes up again. Idiot.

Serena and Dan are strolling around, shooting the shit, when Blair repeatedly texts Serena to update S on her seduction plan. Basically, Blair is setting the scene in Serena’s bedroom, which grosses me out on so many levels. One of my good friends moved out of her apartment when she caught her roommate fucking some dude in her bed. So not cool. Or sanitary. Serena responds to Blair’s “In UR room. This will B EZ” text with “U R so bad!!!!” while apologizing to Dan for the constant, annoying interruptions of his constant, annoying babble.

Meanwhile, Blair is putting the finishing touches on her den of sin when Chuck arrives home with some booze and wanders in, as planned. She plays it off like she’s having a candle-lit lesbian sleepover with Serena and is totally not interested in seducing him anymore. As she hoped, he takes one look at Blair and the exposed nape of her neck (his kryptonite, evidently) and gives in. But just as things are starting to happen, Blair’s phone begins ringing repeatedly. She begs him to ignore it, but reads the look in his eye and dives for the phone at the same time he does, screaming at him to give it to her. But she’s not fast enough, and he sees the texts between her and Serena. Tossing the phone back at Blair, he admits she almost had him, but not close enough.

These bitches need to learn how to put their phones on silent. Or vibrate. Blair at least should know about that.

The next morning, Mini Coop arrives at work to hand over the dress and apologize for not getting Jenny’s repeated messages until the AM. Jenny is pissed as can be, convinced that Eleanor will no longer let her attend that buyers’ meeting. Looking at Jenny like she’s retarded, Mini Coop points out that Eleanor lied to her about that before and probably will again, and that Jenny shouldn’t be giving Eleanor her designs anyway. Showing Jenny pictures from the night before, Mini Coop plants the seed about Jenny starting her own line, while warning her that at this rate, her own line will look like a copy of Eleanor’s and not the other way around. By the way, Jenny’s rocking the crackwhore makeup and leather outfit we’ve seen in the previews here. Are we supposed to believe that one night partying with Mini Coop has turned Little J into a punk-rocker chick? Anyone else confused?

Serena and Blair arrive at Rufus’s gallery, and Serena throws Blair at Dan for more advice while S goes to find Aaron. Despite the fact Aaron has added a new, poser-hipster scarf to go with his glasses, they get along great. Alone with Dan, Blair declares she’s given up on seducing Chuck, while Dan looks confused and asks her what the big deal is anyway since they’re just toying with each other. Blair’s face says what she can’t vocalize, and Dan is shocked to realize that someone actually loves Chuck Bass. He gently describes what it felt like when he first told Serena he loved her, and how even though they broke up, he would do it all over again. Blair drops her defenses for a few moments and admits that she’s afraid if she tells Chuck she loves him, she’ll become just another girl to him. Dan doesn’t think that’s necessarily true and gives her wise advice — she can either keep her pride and have nothing, or tell Chuck she loves him and possibly have everything.

At work, Jenny presents Eleanor with the new dress — and is promptly told to go home because she looks like hell. Yes, yes she does. Stunned, Jenny reminds Eleanor about the buyers’ meetings, and Eleanor dismisses that promise with a wave of her hand and then declares the new dress a mess with basic construction problems. Jenny admits it’s not her best work, but hardly a mess, and makes several excuses. Eleanor cuts her off, declaring she knows Jenny was out late with Mini Coop, and that she needs to experience the consequences of her childish actions. Livid, Jenny accuses Eleanor of keeping her out of the meetings because Eleanor’s afraid the buyers will want to go in business with Jenny and not Eleanor. Eleanor doesn’t really an answer for that — because it’s true — and tells Jenny to go home. And Jenny does — after grabbing the new dress and the green dress Serena wore at the runway show, ignoring Eleanor’s threats of retribution. Good for her.

“Look, I have some crack to sell down by the pier, so if you’ll just give me my dress, I’ll be on my way.”

Serena and Blair are at the gallery again, this time for Aaron’s actual show. Standing with Dan, Rufus sees B and S arrive and asks Dan if he’s tapping Blair’s ass since Blair’s been hanging around so much lately. Appalled, Dan calls that idea “sick” and insists he’s just trying to get into Serena’s good graces, and telling S how much he hates Blair won’t help that. Amused, Rufus leaves and Blair and Serena approach Dan. Serena — and her breasts, which have come out to play again — is excited about the turnout for Aaron, while Blair looks like she’s going to throw up. Serena explains that Blair asked Chuck to meet her at the gallery to finally tell him she loves him, and Blair declares that she needs a drink — staring at Dan pointedly until he finally rolls his eyes and goes and fetches one for her. I love that no matter how freaked out Blair is, she still knows how to put Humphrey in his place.

Dan’s looking into that drink situation when Vanessa — whose presence I’ve tried to ignore so far — storms up to bitch at Dan for first having Nate move in with him and then inviting Blair to “her” opening. Seriously, Vanessa, go fuck yourself. What, is Nate supposed to live on the floor in an empty house so you’re not uncomfortable when you’re squatting your useless, condescending ass at the Humphreys? I love how you conveniently forgot the reason why Blair fucked with you so bad last week was because YOU blackmailed her first! And I’m sure Rufus and Aaron would love to know this is “your” opening. I think it may be news to them. HATE. Anyway, Vanessa continues bitching to Dan, bringing up the game Chuck and Blair played with her last week. Not having heard this before, Dan immediately gets angry he’s been helping Blair. Ruh roh. What have you ruined now, Vanessa?

“You don’t realize that I think everything is about me? Seriously?”

Serena’s admiring Aaron’s “art” (inflatable balls with lights inside) when he finds her and asks her out. While she’s obviously interested, she glances at Dan across the room and turns Aaron down, saying she’s not dating at this time. Instead of merely accepting that, he gives her a riddle about caterpillars and tells her once she figures that out, he’s hers. Pretty ballsy for a guy who just got rejected to put the pressure on Serena to ask him out, provided she knows the riddle answer. I like it.

Blair runs up to Serena to excitedly announce that Chuck agreed to meet her on the roof, which is perfect because she can just jump if he doesn’t say I love you back. Serena laughs and tells her she wouldn’t want her obit to say she died in Brooklyn. Happy and excited, Blair runs off to meet Chuck — just as Dan flags her down to warn her to make sure Chuck is done playing games, as well as other comments designed to freak Blair out. She shakes him off, but it appears the damage is done to her self confidence and trust. Fucking Vanessa.

Jenny’s arrived at the opening, wearing what appears to be one of Rufus’s plaid shirts with the arms ripped off. Hot. She’s surprised to run into Mini Coop and Max, but it turns out Max knows Aaron. Mini Coop congratulates Jenny on standing up to Eleanor, and reveals that the editor of a fashion magazine saw the pictures and wants to do a spread on Jenny as a designer to watch. When Jenny protests that she’s unemployed, Mini Coop insists Little J start her own line and come with her tonight to meet people at a party. Jenny finally agrees and heads out with Mini Coop — only to be stopped by Nate. Nate mentions wanting to hang out and whines that he never sees her anymore. There must be a testicle-removing station on the Brooklyn bridge, because not a single character on this show who lives in Brooklyn has any. Jenny announces she quit Eleanor’s and is going to start her own line. His response? Not very enthused. Nate’s poor now and needs the lady in his life to have steady income, dammit. Pissed, Jenny leaves.

The hideousness of the mullet is slowly affecting the entirety of her head.

On the roof, Blair is trying to say I love you and is unable to get it out, first asking Chuck to say it with her, and then demanding why she has to say it first, given everything he’s done to her. He gets angry, snapping that he can’t believe she dragged him out to Brooklyn for what is obviously another one of her games. Blair declares he’s the one who started the games, and he silkily tells her she’s the one who finished them, before turning his back on her. Goddammit.

Blair comes back into the gallery in tears, telling Serena she’s leaving and refusing to elaborate. Flagging down Dan, Serena asks him if he knows what the hell happened on that roof. Saying that Chuck and Blair were going to self-destruct eventually anyway, Dan admits he may have helped that along. Furious and incredulous, Serena insists this wasn’t a game for once and that Blair really loves Chuck, and that Serena counted on Dan to give Blair good advice and help bolster Blair into admitting she loves Chuck to his face. As Dan stands there flabbergasted, Serena storms away in disgust. Dan, do you ever learn?

Meanwhile, Nate has approached Aaron to ask for the backstory on Max. Aaron describes Max as a good guy — as long as he’s not dating your little sister. Then he’s a psycho into bondage and bestiality — often at the same time. Sometimes a girl just isn’t into that goat unless she has nowhere to go. Speaking of, Jenny, Mini Coop and Max are hanging around Max’s place when Max and Mini Coop start making out. Uncomfortable, Jenny asks about the party they were supposed to go to, and Mini Coop explains no one goes until midnight anyway. She urges Jenny to get up and dance with her while Max snaps away. This doesn’t seem to be going anywhere good. Sure enough, Mini Coop rips off her shirt minutes later, and manages to convince Jenny to do the same, all while Max shifts to hide his erection and keeps snapping pictures of the two girls posing semi-erotically. Given that Taylor Momsen really is 15 years old, this is a little disturbing. When someone knocks on the door, Mini Coop throws it open without either her or Jenny getting dressed — revealing Nate, who must have ESP to know where Max lives. Awk-ward.

“Naked dance party?! Where the hell is my invitation?”

Walking in, Nate demands that Jenny get her things and leave while Jenny refuses and Mini Coop squeals that she totally called it that Nate likes Jenny. When Jenny insists on staying, Nate plops down on the couch and announces he’ll wait. Annoyed, Jenny grabs her shirt and walks out, with Nate close behind. They pass a man bringing a donkey up the steps on the way out, confirming Nate’s suspicions. Once on the street, Jenny screams at him for embarrassing her, since they were just dancing around in their underwear and not making a porno. “Not yet, anyway!” Nate hollers back, arguing that Max was taking advantage of her. Jenny demands to know why Nate gives a damn — and then they make out. Ack. Must not think about real-life age difference. Must not think about real-life age difference.

Back at the gallery, Dan goes into the stairwell and intercepts Chuck, making his way down from the roof. Chuck snaps at him that what happened with Blair is none of Dan’s business, and Dan disagrees — admitting that Blair was going to tell Chuck she loved him until Dan stopped her. Sadly, Chuck does not punch him in the face. Next stop on the Dan Apology Tour is Serena, as Dan intercepts her on the street, leaving the gallery. He apologizes and she insists if they’re going to be friends, they have to be able to talk to one another. He agrees, so she blurts out that Aaron asked her out and she said no for his sake but wants to say yes. Just then, Serena realizes she knows the answer to Aaron’s riddle. Turns out they went to camp in Switzerland together when they were children, and he was referring to a song they’d use to sing there. Dan reluctantly but maturely gives Serena his blessing, and she runs off to find Aaron — just as Aaron and a random hop on his motorcycle and drive off to an unknown pseudo-hipster location. Sad panda again.

At home, Blair is sadly getting ready for bed when Chuck arrives. She asks if he’s there to gloat, and he says he’s not. He tells her the reason they can’t say those words to each other isn’t because they aren’t true, but because they both know the moment they do, it’ll be the start of one thing and the end of another. He lists off cliched couplely activities (Blair and Chuck at the movies particularly entertains me), and she insists they wouldn’t have to be like that, and they could continue doing the things they like. But the thing they like, he points out, is the game, and he’s not sure how long they’d last without it. Kneeling before her, he tells her he’d rather wait than lose everything they do have, then softly kisses her while she cries. As always with these two, the scene feels honest and true, and is very powerful.

So that’s this week’s episode! What did you think? Are Jenny and Nate cute together, or is it a little icky given that Chace Crawford is 8 years older and would be arrested in most states for that? And since when does Nate like Jenny? Also, did you find Jenny’s transformation too quick, too? What do you think about Aaron? What’s next for Blair and Chuck, or are they at a stalemate? How is it that Vanessa manages to ruin everything with her self-righteousness? And was anyone else as excited to see Mini Coop?