Gossip Girl: Caught in a Bad Romance

Welcome back Gasmii!

Sorry my recap is a bit late, it’s been quite a busy week. You know, trying to get
everything finished before Thanksgiving and whatnot. Anywhoot, this week’s Gossip Girl is all about the romance; we see the aftermath of the Dandessaduff threesome, Jenny gets a new love interest, Tripp and Sluterena take things to the next level, and there’s a special performance by LADY GAGA! Let’s get started shall we?

We begin our episode with one of the most cliche scenes ever; a male (in this case it’s our very own Dan Humphrey) walking down the street after gettin’ some. He’s high fiving guys walking down the sidewalk, and saying things like “top of the morning” to random strangers.

Gossip Girl does a voiceover to say that memory is selective, and we get a clip of Dan’s pornograph-ied memory of the infamous threesome he had with Weavy and Hilary Duff last week.

Cut to Serena walking down the street, and leaving Queen Bee another voicemail. It’s the thirtieth time she’s called, and she wants to make it clear that nothing is going on between her and Tripp, oh yeah, and she sick of fighting with Blair, and just wants to be friends again. Really though, what she wants is to convince Blair that nothing’s happening, even if something is happening, that way maybe she can convince herself that nothing is happening. Gossip Girl tells us that “as James Frey” once said, “the truth always comes out”. I’m sure people have said that before James Frey, he just didn’t listen to them and that’s why he’s in the situation that he’s in as of now.

In the park Queen Bee is ignoring Serena’s calls because she doesn’t converse with “liars or Lewinskys”. Serena is definitely more Gennifer Flowers than Monica Lewinsky, but I get what you were trying to do, writers. Bass tells Bee that it’s possible she’s just making something up in her mind, but she tells him that in the second grade she saw her gym teacher giving Laverne Glazer’s mother the “glad eye”, and not only did it earn her the first “A + +” in gym in Constance history, but she realized that her sexual tension radar is uncanny.

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She tells Bass that nobody at NYU cares if your four fathers made pumpkin pie at Plymouth. They only care about whether or not your father makes profits for Paramount. Sidenote: There must be a new writer on staff, because there’s way too much alliteration in this scene…Plymouth, pumpkin pie, profits…it just reeks of fresh meat trying to prove themselves. Anywhoot, she tells Chuck that she’s going to try to win over the Tisch kids (spawn of moguls and movie stars), and secure an alliance. Doesn’t it always seem like Queen Bee is preparing to go into battle? Seriously, what great war is this chick mobilizing for, and should I be concerned?

She asks if Bass would like to join her, and he tells her that he’s promised to show the son of a high ranking diplomat around the city, so he’s be unable to participate in her shenanigans. Sigh, I love them together, but can’t they just break up so that we can piss and moan for them to get back together? Half of what was so great about them last season was the struggle. We don’t even get hot hook up scenes from them anymore! Come on writers, you’ve gotta give me something to work with!

We cut to Dan telling Nate about his threesome experience. Nate is absolutely flabbergasted. How stupid can Dan be? The third person is ALWAYS supposed to be someone you don’t know. Dan doesn’t understand because he’s an idiot, he wonders how Nate knows everything about threesomes, and who made him the Sex Guru. Nate tells him that he knows about threesomes because he’s been to Europe, and Chuck Bass is his best friend. I consider that a suitable answer. Dan tells him that the fact that Weavy is such good friends with them is what made it so great. Nate tells him that he knows from personal experience that Weavesquatch is very vocal when she’s blumping, and that couldn’t have been easy for Hilary Duff to hear. Dan tells him that Vanessa is fine with it, Duff is fine with it, and he doesn’t understand why Nate is being such a Donny Downer.

Nate tells him that he’s just jealous because he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and now that he and Serena are on the outs, he doesn’t have a girl friend either. Wait..what about Vanessa? What about Jenny? What about Blair? What about the 500 girls at Columbia that would leave signs on his dorm room door prior to his move to the Bass Hotel asking him if they could birth his babies? I’m sure if Nate really wanted, he could find a girl friend or a girlfriend, and worst comes to worst…I’ll step in. As they’re talking, they spot Vanessa crossing the street. Dan asks her if she wants to see Morrissey later that night. Yes. Yes, they would have a tradition of going to see Morrissey. They part after doing that awkward hug you do when you see your friend that you don’t really like, but you hooked up with in a drunken stupor:

At the NYU coffeshop, the Tisch kids are talking about Lady Gaga. Apparently, although she’s a Tisch alumnus she doesn’t want to perform a secret concert for the current students. Blair interrupts by saying that perhaps her stepfather could convince Gaga to perform. The Tisch kids laugh in her face and tell her that their parents are a trillion times more famous than her stupid entertainment lawyer stepdaddy.

The Assholes begin discussing some fairytale Cabaret that they’re having later that night, and Blair interjects, saying that she LOVES fairytales! Head Asshole tells her that it’s HIS cabaret, and it’s by invitation only, and she’s not invited.

Cut to Hilary Duff and Dan walking down the street. Duff is on her phone trying to convince Casey that there’s no way she’s going to star in a movie called “Bitches of Eastwick”. Kill me. After hanging up with Casey she tells Dan that the premise would be “Heathers” but with witches. That would actually be pretty awesome, if it hadn’t already been done with “The Craft”. Dan tells her that he’d hoped she would stick around because “EK4″ was a bust, and now she’s dating him and she’s besties with Vanessa. She wants to help him work on his application later that night, but he tells her that he already has plans to see Morrissey with Vanessa.

Over at the VD Dubs, Lily is trying to find a date for Jennifer. She suggests a kid named “Brad Alexander”; his mother told Lily that he’s single. Jenny tells her that he’s single because he gave six girls gonorrhea of the throat.

As Rufus’ innocent little heart is being broken by the fact that Jenny even knows what at STD is, King Bass enters. He just came to drop off the papers that Lily wanted, and to introduce them to the hotel guest he’s been taking on a tour of the city. Conveniently, his hotel guest is a hot teenage guy.

Both Jenny and Lily likey, and Lily suggests that because Chuck is such a busy, busy little bee, maybe Jenny should show the kid around.

At the NYU dorms Blair spots Olivia, and tells her that she’s just the girl she wants to see. “How do I win over shallow, superficial actors?” Bee asks. Duff tells her that she’s been invited to the cabaret, and she’ll let Blair be a part of it, as long as she promises not to call her “shallow” for at least a month.

Over at Tripp’s office, our favorite new Congressman walks in on Serena leaning over his desk. “I was just leaving you a note about the Observer article…”

Also, why is Serena wearing the largest shoulderpads anyone has see in in decades?

She says him that she didn’t think that he’d be there, and he tells her that his meeting ended early. He also tells her that they won’t have to endure the awkward sexual tension for much longer because he and his wife are making the big move to Washington D.C. the next day. Tripp tells her that it’s probably for the best, because he doesn’t want to cheat on his wife. Speaking of the crazy bitch, she walks in and tells Tripp that she has to go to a luncheon, so she won’t be able to help him pack up the family office, but perhaps Serena could help; there’s a lot of personality family stuff in the office and she “trusts” Serena. Which is a lie. There’s no WAY in hell that this scheming snake of a woman would trust her husband’s tall, blonde, 18-year-old press manager, or personal assistant (or whatever the heck Serena’s job is). If you’re a woman, and your husband has a subordinate that looks like she could be a character on this show, and you think your husband is cheating on you…hate to break it to you, but he probably is. Tripp tells Ginger that it’s not really in Serena’s job description to help clean his office, but Ginger convinces Serena to help, and I still can’t believe that this person who was “smart” enough to set up an entire rescue mission to win her husband the election, is dumb enough to think that leaving her husband alone with Serena won’t result in an affair. Gossip Girl tells us that Tripp should be careful, or his marriage could end up in “a million little pieces…” What’s with the James Frey references? Is there something that I’m missing here? How are they at all relevant to this show? Whatever. New writers.

After the commercials, we see Nate at the Bass Hotel talking to his mother on the phone. Apparently she’s trying to convince him that Grandfather isn’t such a bad guy (remember, Nate still thinks that Grandfather was the one who set up Tripp). Serena interrupts his conversation by rudely walking into his room. I HATE when people on this show do that. What? Are you to important to knock? What if Nate had a girl in there? Oh, that’s right, Nate doesn’t know any girls… Serena tells him that he’s the only person that she can turn to regarding the situation with Tripp. Pause, isn’t Nate maybe the LAST person that you’d want to tell? I’m not one for keeping secrets from people, but Tripp is his cousin/BFF, and he isn’t getting along with you at the moment. The fact that he might feel kind of strongly about you ruining his cousin’s marriage and career isn’t even crossing your mind, and you want to tell the one person who’d probably be more pissed about this than Blair? Okay, Serena, good thinking.

Back at the NYU dorms, Vanessa asks Hilary Duff if she’s been avoiding her because of the threesome. Duff tells her not to worry because she’s totally fine with the threesome, but she is concerned about Weavy and Dan attending the Morrissey concert; she thinks that it would be more beneficial for Dan to attend the cabaret, as he’s trying to get into the playwrighting program, and he could make alot of great connections there. Weavy agrees, and so Duff is off to get ready, leaving Weavy to stand there, disappointed.

Back at the Bass Hotel, Nate is confused:

Serena doesn’t want to talk about Nate’s swag (or lack thereof), so they discuss Tripp. Nate tells her that Tripp has sacrificed for his career way too much to just throw it away on some girl. What is that theory about how it doesn’t matter how much time you’ve spent doing something, because that time is already lost, so you’re better off just doing what you want (whether it be doing drugs or doing secretatries)? Well, whatever the name of the theory, I feel like that’s the idea that most politicians live by. Anyway, Serena tells him that when she’s with Tripp she can literally feel her heart beating. She hasn’t felt like that since she was 13, and Nate calls her out on just having broken up with Cartier less than a month ago. I feel like Serena’s crush on Tripp is more about his unavailability than it is about Tripp as a person. That’s why she feels like she’s 13 again, because she wasn’t supposed to be sexually active at 13, and the rush of doing something you know you aren’t supposed to do is what makes it so much “fun”. Even if they end up getting together it won’t last either because the thrill of the chase is gone, or because Tripp’s ginger wife will stab Serena in her sleep before their relationship even gets a chance to flourish. Nate intelligently points out that Serena is no longer 13, so she can’t keep acting like she is. She tells him that she thought that no matter what happened between them, she could always go to him for love and support. He tells her that she’s right, and they should put all the fighting behind them, and he can help her stay away from Tripp. “You can count on me always…” he tells her. How sweet.

Cut to Jenny and…well…I don’t know his name, so I’m going to call him Pablo, taking a stroll through the park. Jenny spots some of the Mean Girls from a different school sitting on a park bench, and decides to flirt with Pablo to make them jealous. However, Pablo isn’t interested in flirting. He’s more interested in the miniature toy sailboats for rent. Jenny tells him that it might be cool in Belgium to play with toys, but in Manhattan that’s a big “no-no

Back at the coffeshop, the Assholes are having another gathering. Head Asshole is discussing the premise of the cabaret (fairytales re-imagined), and he tells the Mini Assholes that his agent and tons of Tisch alumni are going to be in attendance, so they’d better not embarras him. As he tromps off to go shave his sideburns, and update his Twitter, Duff and Dan are left to wonder what fairytale they should do for the cabaret. Apparently Dan is going to write the scene as a testament to what a “great” writer he is. Blair walks in and tells them that they’ll most definitely be re-imagining the fairytale of “Snow White”. Blair is going to direct and produce the show, and she’s planning on a musical featuring the songs of Lady Gaga. As she leaves to ask Head Assholel about which songs he thinks work best thematically with the show, Dan confronts Duff about acting all Weirdy Mcweird after the threesome. When he expresses concern about canceling his plans with Weavy, Duff tells him that she’s already taken care of it: She told Weavy to back the hell up off her man earlier, so everything is cool.

Back at the park, Jenny calls Chuck whose voicemail is “leave a message, and I might listen to it…” Ha! I’m gonna use that. Anyway, Jenny tells him that he needs to find her a new buddy, because Pablo Richiepants over here is too busy playing with his toy sailboats to pay attention to her. When Pablo finishes playing with his “dingy”, Jenny asks him what’s next? Balloon animals? Oh, and she tells him that he got the wrong boat back. He tells her that she’s wrong: The boat he is in possession of now contains money, whereas the one he sent across the pond had the ecstasy in it. Snapskys! Pablo is a drug dealer! I didn’t even know that he was going to be a drug dealer and I named him Pablo! How perfect! I swear I’m psychic.

We cut to Dan having a phone conversation with Nate. He gives Nate the 411 on the Duff/Weavy situation, and Nate tells him that he’s in “Post Threesome Stage One”; wherein both girls try to prove to the other one who the guy belongs to. Nate explains that Dan needs to prove to Duff that he and Weavy are still just “friends” despite having seen each other’s business. After hanging up with Dan, Nate saunters back into the living room to deal with Serena. He gives her the phone and tells her that she needs to call Tripp and straight up tell him that she’s not going to help him clean his office because she’d be too tempted to jump his bones. She calls and explains all this to Tripp, but he says that he would still like to see her before he moves to D.C. and he surprises her by asking if she would like to go for lunch with him.

After hanging up with Tripp, Nate tells Serena that he’s proud of her and he’s going to be there every step of the way to make sure that she doesn’t go anywhere near Tripp until the next day when he leaves for Washinton. I’ve got $50 on Nate NOT being able to handle this very simple task.We see Tripp in his office. His housekeeper comes in and tells him that Nate’s mother is there to see him, but Tripp isn’t in the mood to have any visitors.Apparently what she has to say is very important, so he tells the houskeeper to send her in.

At the coffeeshop, Dan has completed his script for the cabaret. It’s a commentary on society and riches and shiny new things set to the songs of Lady Gaga. Blair will play the aging rockstar queen, Duff will play Snow White, a young up and comer trying to steal the queen’s throne, the Minions will play the struggling dwarf boy band, and of course Dan will play Prince Charming. Queen Bee tells Dan not to get too cocky because they still have his “sub par acting” to deal with. Ha-Ha! Burn. So mean…When Queen Bee tells everyone that they need to meet back in the coffeeshop in an hour so that she can block, Dan tells her that he’s hired a new, more experienced director named…VANESSA ABRAMS!

After the commericals we see Hilary Duff trying to channel her rage into passive-agressive compliments about Weavy’s directorial skills. She tells her that she’s going to be so impressed with Dan when she reads his script, but Weavy tells her that she already has because Dan ALWAYS gives her the first copy of whatever he’s working on. Duff tells her that Weavy should go to her if she has any questions because she has worked with some of the “best directors in the world”, and Weavy tells her that if she needs help turning someone into a bat, she’ll be sure to go to Duff for advice. Nice one. Blair tells Dan that sometimes when girls live together and their cycles sync up, but no angry hormones are going to ruin her cabaret, so humph.

Jenny and Pablo are still walking through the city. Pablo asks her exactly what being an Upper East Side Queen entails. “Wearing designer clothes and bossing people around?” he postulates. She’s quick to tell him that she goes to openings and “stuff”…in designer clothes, while bossing people around. She asks him about the whole international drug dealer vibe he’s got going on, and he tells her that because his father is an ambassador it makes sense that he would be a dealer; they don’t check him or his bags when he takes trips, and knowing that his father would suffer greatly were he to get caught is what makes it all the more fulfilling. This kid seems like Bad News to me. He’s not your normal run-of-the-mill bad boy, and these aren’t just some simple daddy issues that can be fixed with a few years of therapy. This kid just looks like a certifiable psychopath.

Nate and Serena are also taking a walk in the park. They’re eating ice cream, and Serena gets some on her face, and Nate wipes it off, and it’s cute, la dee da. Their flirting is interrupted by a call from Tripp. Nate tells her not to answer, and she asks, “Well what if it’s important?” Nate doesn’t care Tripp’s wife has him tied to a chair with a dagger to his throat. He’d rather go to the bar and get drunk. Serena laughs and they head off to get wasted.

At the coffeeshop Dan and cast are rehearsing their musical.

When Weavy suggests that perhaps the dwarfs should be in front, Duff whines, “BUT THEN NOBODY IS GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE ME!!!” Exactly. Dan agrees that Duff should stay in front because the show is “Snow White”, and Weavy responds, “of course you would take her side.” At hearing this Duff turns to the Minions and says, “Boxing me out is one of Vanessa’s favorite activities.” Then, all HELL breaks loose. Vanessa tells Duff that she went behind her back and signed Dan up for the cabaret knowing that they had plans, and Duff tells Weavy that she pretty much tried to keep Dan all to herself the entire night they were all together.

Duff delivers the final blow by saying, “Vanessa, you’re in love with Dan and everybody here knows it!” Both Weavy and Duff quit, and Queen Bee wants to know what the hell is going on. “Did you bozos have a threesome or something?” she asks. When she learns that they did, she reiterates Nate’s statement that the third person is always supposed to be a stranger. When Dan says that he’s going to go talk to the girls, Bee asks him in what order. Good point Blair. She trots off the blackmail both the girls. She tells Hilary Duff that if she doesn’t do the cabaret, she’ll tell everyone that their favorite Queen of the Dead had a threesome, and all of her tweenybopper fans will be highly disappointed with her. I call shenanigans. If people can forgive Vanessa Anne Hudgens, and that’s evidence you can SEE, I’m sure they’d forgive Duff. Bee then tells Vanessa that she’ll go to the town crier in Vermont and make sure that her parents find out. How cruel. I love it.

At the bar, Nate and Serena are downing shots. Serena asks Nate if he realizes that they haven’t been out drinking alone since the night they hooked up a few years back. Nate tells her that they’d better sober up because he feels another hook up coming on. Just as he’s spitting his mad game at her, the phone rings. Of course, it’s Tripp, but he isn’t calling to find out about Serena. He’s calling to tell Nate that he found out that Ginger Bitch Wife was behind the whole campaign scandal. Nate tries to convince him that he should work it out with his wife, but Tripp is unsure if he ever even wants to see her again. When he hears giggling in the background he apologizes for interrupting Nate while he’s out with his friends, and promises to keep him updated on the situation.

When Nate goes back to the bar he lies and tells Serena that it was just another call from Dan.

Somwhere else in the city, Jenny and Pablo are meeting up with the guy who provides Pablo with his drugs. Jenny is freaking out a little, and Pablo tells her to chill out because she’s being embarrasing.

Then, it’s cabaret time at the coffeshop. Both Weavy and Duff show up because Blair has given them no other choice, and Weavy goes to get the dwarfs ready while Blair scampers away to do something else show-related. Duff and Dan get right down to business. Duff tells Dan that during their escapades, at one point she sat up to take her shirt off, and he was looking at Weavy like he’s never looked at her, and then he kissed Weavy like he’s never kissed her. Dan tries to assure her that it was just a simple kiss, but Duff tells him that the fact that he even knew which kiss she was talking about shows that he does have feelings for the Weavermeister Meisterweaver. The show must go on, and after a somewhat humorous performance by the Minions, Duff enters wearing a hideous crackwhore-esque ensemble , and sings the most disgusting rendition of “Love Game” I’ve ever heard.

Cut back to Jenny and Pablo. Jenny is participating in Pablo’s drug deal, and when she excuses herself to go to the ladies room, Pablo hands her a pill and tells her to “test the product”. All of a sudden, King Bass swoops in, grabbing the drugs and tearing Pablo a new asshole. He tells them that after he got Jenny’s message he had housekeeping do an early turn down of Pablo’s room and they found his stash. He tells Pablo that he and his father have until noon the next day to collect their luggage, and after that it’s getting dropped in the river. When Pablo tries to fight back, the King says, “I’m Chuck Bass…even Europeans must know what that means…” True that.

Back at the coffeeshop, Dan is thoroughly enjoying his role as Price Charming.However, when it’s Duff’s cue to enter she’s nowhere to be found, forcing Weavy to step in and take her place.

Across the city, Nate and Serena are pretty tipsy. Nate tells her that he had a really difficult time getting over their hook up, and he even tried to tell her that he loved her at the Masquerade Ball a few years back, but he ended up telling his feelings to Jenny. “You loved me?” she asks. “Of course I did,” he replies, “Serena, you’re the most beautiful, amazing, alive person I’ve ever known…” Aww. You know I really like them together. They’re both as dumb as bricks, and no deeper than a bowl of cereal. They’re cute together, and I totally approve of this pairing. Just pray that they don’t reproduce. Suddenly, Tripp interrupts. Stalker.

At the cabaret, the show is in full swing, and The Assholes think Dan’s writing is hilarious:

Weavy is playing Snow White, and she’s in a coke-induced haze, and only true love’s kiss can awaken her from her stupor.As Dan kisses her he realizes that he does have feelings for her, and has a flashback to the threesome.After the commericals, everyone is applauding the performance. Head Asshole tells Dan that he should really consider applying for the playwrighting program, and you know what? I think he’d fit right in. Queen Bee tells everyone that she has a surprise, and they all head out to see what she has in store.

At the bar, Serena, Nate, and Tripp are discussing Tripp’s wife.

Tripp thanks Nate for listening to him earlier, and Serena asks Nate why he didn’t tell her that he knew what was going on. He tries to say something, and then Tripp interrupts to tell her that he really doesn’t want to be alone.

It’s like, seriously bitch, just pick one already! They’re both hot, you’re a winner either way. She decides to leave with Tripp, knowing that it’s going to hurt Nate, and knowing that despite what his wife did, Tripp is still a married man. Bitch.

Across the city, Blair is leading The Assholes into some secret stage. She tells Head Asshole that although he may never have heard of Cyrus Rose, Lady Gaga certainly has. She agreed to perform for them all. Let me stop here to just say a few words about Lady Gaga: Okay, I wanted to hate her, I really did. I tried to hate her with all my might…and I just couldn’t. She actually makes really great pop music, and you know what? She admits and LIKES that she makes pop music. She writers her own lyrics (which are clever if you actually listen to them), and she supports equality. She embraces the lifestyle that SHE has chosen, and doesn’t get pissed at the paparazzi, in fact she LOVES being famous. She doesn’t care about the haters, and she does what SHE wants to do because SHE wants to do it, not because anyone is forcing her to. I can appreciate that she really loves her life, and she has managed to have four chart-topping hits in a matter of two years, so to you Lady Gaga, I issue an interenet blog fist pound.

As Lady Gaga plays in the background, Dan spots Duff. He asks her why the hell she just abandoned him onstage, and she tells him that she needed him to kiss Weavy, so that he would know for sure that the feelings he had for her (Weavy) were real. She tells him that she’s going to do the “Bitches of Eastwick” movie. As he’s begging her to stay, Weavy walks up and tells Duff that she’s sorry about everything, and that she has zero feelings for Dan. In fact, she thinks that Head Asshole might have a thing for her. Egh. With that, Weavy walks off to dance with Head Asshole, and Duff walks offscreen…hopefully forever.

At the VD Dubs, King Bass is lecturing Jenny about participating in a drug deal. He understands the whole sullen teenager thing Jenny is going through, but she can do better than that Pablo guy. For a second I think that he’s going to kiss her, and I feel extremely uncomfortable, but then he doesn’t and I breath a sigh of relief. She tells him that although she’s Queen, she feels more lonely and bored than she did when she lived in Brooklyn. Bass tells her that hanging around Pablo is dangerous, and if Jenny goes down the rabbit hole it’s going to take more than Blair and her minions to help her out…or something to that effect. He tells her to be careful and take care of herself, and it’s actually really nice to see Chuck acting like a big brother. It’s a refreshing new angle to his character.

At Tripp’s office, Serena is helping him clean out the space. They kiss.

We see a shot of Jenny texting Pablo, and tellign him that they should hang out again. Oh Jenny, you should LISTEN to Chuck Bass. He knows EVERYTHING! And there’s a shot of Nate sitting alone at the bar, and I want $50 from anyone who said that Nate would be able to keep Serena away from Tripp for the entire episode.

Lessons learned this week Gasmii: Remember, the “cool” people are usually the loneliest, because they only have themselves to be friends with. Take Nate and Jenny for example, you’d think that they’d have tons of people to talk to and hang out with, when in reality…they don’t. Sometimes the cool people need just as much sympathy as the nerds.

Until next week,

Rocksmiles.