Gossip Girl: Crimes of Fashion

This week on Gossip Girl, we focus on Jenny for the second week in a row in this filler episode that hopefully is just setting things up for better plots to come.

J Humphrey Designs. Call 917-VERY-FUG.

We open with Jenny and Mini Coop organizing a whole wardrobe of clothing Jenny has been making for a fashion show she’s planning, and Jenny bitching that Nate’s been ignoring her ever since he stuck his tongue down her throat. Maybe he’s as sketched out by their pairing as we are. Mini Coop tells Jenny that she needs to take the initiative with Nate, which is probably true because Nate’s too stupid to figure out what to do next. I imagine every time he goes to have sex, he just stands there with his dick hanging out awaiting further instructions, bless his heart.

Dan and Nate are strolling along, their bromance continuing, while Dan tries to figure out what Jenny’s been up lately with her secretive behavior. Dan then gets a text from the Ferret from Yale, whom Nate doesn’t remember at all. When you nearly bang a lot of different fugly chicks, they all start to blur together. Anyway, the text says the Ferret had three professors read Dan’s stories, and they’ve all been carted off to the psych ward when people assumed their uncontrollable laughing was due to insanity. Nate thinks this sounds like good news, but Dan disagrees, suggesting that the reason the Ferret’s given his stuff to multiple profs is because they each keep refusing to do the recommendation and she’s trying to find someone who will. Yeah, that sounds about right. The Ferret’s text also says she’ll call later, so Dan decides to bail on Nate for the movie they were going to see and head home to stare at his phone and work on his high horse mounting skills, which have gotten a bit rusty lately.

Across town, Serena and Blair are meeting with some snotty rich woman about Yale. Blair, wearing an absolutely gorgeous red dress, is trying to charm her way into the hag’s good graces, but the hag only wants to talk to Serena, despite Serena’s hemline riding up to her vulva. The hag steps away for a moment, and we learn from the girls that the hag and her husband are prominent Yale donors and good friends of the Dean. The hag returns and mentions she and her husband are going out for the evening and leaving their daughter alone in the hotel with room service. Inspiration — and likely a few cold drafts — hits Serena, and she volunteers Blair act as glorified babysitter for little Emma, in order to get in good with the hag. Catching on, Blair agrees, and the hag calls Emma into the room. Emma appears to be a year or two younger than Jenny, and sweet as can be. I don’t buy it. Too many servile nods of the head or something. Somehow, I don’t think this is going to work out as B and S think it will.

“Psst, B, just show some leg already! That seems to get these Yale perverts all hot and bothered.”

Out on the street, Serena runs into Aaron and admits she finally remembered him as her husband from camp. He asks her when she figured it out, and she passively aggressively says it was about the time she saw him drive away with some chick on his motorcycle. Good thing you’re hot, S, because it’s a bit early to be waving your crazy flag for most girls. He claims he recognized her the instant he saw her, and a mollified Serena invites him to attend a charity gala that’s being thrown in Lily’s honor. But before he can reply, a cute brunette runs up, apologizes for being late and smacks him on the lips. Annoyed and disgusted at herself, Serena immediately leaves.

Nate and Dan arrive back at the ghetto and find Jenny and Mini Coop shepherding their fashions out the door and gloating over Eleanor’s reaction. Dan gapes in shock as he realizes his little sis found a way to make herself look even stupider than she did last week — this time with the help of more eyeliner than even Criss Angel would wear and a feathered pin cushion she’s decided to wear as a hat.

Back at the hags, Blair is flipping through a magazine and vaguely taunting Emma about going to see a Disney movie when Emma stalks out of her room looking like the poor man’s slutty Jennifer Love Hewitt before she got all fat photographed at unfortunate angles. Emma announces that her friend Muffy’s been bragging about losing her virginity tonight to the lacrosse captain, and Emma’s determined to beat her to the broken hymen. Blair tries to lay down the law, and winds up getting blackmailed when Emma threatens to destroy any remote chance B still has at Yale. Armed with a fake ID, credit card and plenty of stupidity, Emma runs out the door, with Blair closely behind.

“So help me God, you will see ‘Bolt’ and you will like it!”

Meanwhile, Dan’s busy bitching at Jenny about quitting Eleanor’s and keeping everything a secret from Rufus. She admits she’s putting on a “guerilla fashion show” and that Mini Coop and her friends are going to model. When Dan hesitates, Jenny begs that this is her only chance to show people what she’s got (why, I’m not sure, but okay) and Dan agrees to think about it while Jenny shoots pleading glances at Nate from beneath 20 tons of makeup.

Serena’s at home, looking over camp pictures of her and the manwhore Aaron, when Blair runs in to accuse Serena of officially ruining her chances at Yale by sticking her with Emma. Unruffled, Serena suggests Blair bring Emma to the charity gala and stall, by which time Emma will have to return home. Emma comes into the room and Blair puts the plan into action, explaining that Emma shouldn’t bed down with some Manhattan hipster who’s probably filming her when she could bang one of the best. Emma falls right into the trap, and gleefully raids Serena’s closet for something more suitable than the tie-dyed sack she’s currently wearing. Not the smartest virgin in the 8th grade, that one.

Dan has decided to seek out Vanessa’s advice on the Jenny situation — because leaving Jenny unsupervised and free to run off without his permission sounds like a brilliant idea — and is at the gallery cafe. Vanessa advises that Dan let Jenny do her show, since Vanessa needs to see what’s fashionable these days given the fact she’s chosen to wear a plaid blazer with large flowers printed all over it. What the double fuck? Nate’s name comes up, and Vanessa snottily insists he’s Dan’s friend and not hers. He asks her if she still has feelings for Nate, and although she dodges the question, the answer’s clearly yes. Guess you shouldn’t have lied to Nate’s face about the cougar. Idiot. Dan whines that he doesn’t want Jenny to make a huge, life-altering mistake just as Rufus walks up and hears that last part. Ruh roh.

Congratulations, Vanessa. You have graduated from dressing like Punky Brewster to dressing like Helen Keller.

Chuck arrives at home and promptly runs into Emma, looking decidedly better in one of Serena’s dresses. He introduces himself, and she practically orgasms on sight of the legendary Chuck Bass. She flirts with him, mentioning she’s going to the gala — only for Chuck to inform her she’ll be the youngest person there by a few decades, at least. Pouting, she suggests Chuck take her out instead and he agrees, telling her it looks like she’s just hooked herself a Bass. LOL. Meanwhile, Blair and Serena are getting ready when the butler hands Serena a small gift box. Inside is the “wedding ring” from her camp marriage to Aaron. Once again forgiving of Aaron’s man whoring ways, Serena smiles softly as Blair runs, panicked, to announce Emma is gone.

Back in Brooklyn, Jenny is bustling out the door while Dan’s back is turned (like I said before, idiot), insisting to a trailing Nate that she has to take advantage of her only chance to show her stuff. When Nate pleads with her to wait for Dan, Jenny snaps at him to prove that he cares about her by coming with her. Because Nate has no convictions and seems to go along with whomever talks to him last, he agrees and drives off with her and Mini Coop just as Rufus, Dan and Vanessa arrive, seconds too late to stop them.

Chuck and Emma are in his limo while she gushes and he insists she not ruin it with her talking or attempts to introduce herself. But he arrives home alone shortly thereafter to face an irate Blair and claim that Emma assaulted him and demanded he deflower her. Smooth, Em. Blair snaps that Chuck’s specialty is limos and virgins, and he looks her in the eye and tells her the back seat of the limo is one of the few things he holds sacred. Kinda gross, but also very sweet. Problem is, when Emma found out Mr. Chuckie wasn’t coming out to play, she bolted. Luckily, Serena gets a text that Emma has been spotted at 1oak, so Blair gathers the troops and heads out to find the virgin.

“If you must know, I also have your panties from that night pressed in my scrapbook.”

Jenny, Mini Coop and Nate arrive at their destination — the charity gala at The Palace. Jenny explains they’re looking for financial backers, and all the rich people will be there tonight. Against his better judgment, Nate agrees to stay. Walking in, Jenny looks around triumphantly at the rich folk — until she realizes the party is in Bart and Lily’s honor. It looks like she’s thinking calling it off when Lily spots her and innocently asks what she’s doing there. As Jenny contemplates soiling her fug frock, Nate saves her, telling Lily that he’s there in CrazyEyes Archibald’s place and he brought Jenny along. Instead of thinking that sounds a little weird, Lily smiles blankly and walks away. Lying evidently does something for Nate’s libido, for he then grabs Jenny for a big kiss in the middle of the party — which is captured on the cell phone of the same little blonde who accosted Dan in the park earlier this season. Looks like a GG alert will be coming out soon!

At 1oak, the gang finds Emma quickly, who insists she was just leaving to go back to Serge’s place. “Serge?! Honestly, how tacky are you?!” Blair snaps. Haha. I once knew a guy named Serge, and agree they are bad news, Emma. But before Blair can snap the chastity belt on, she and Serena get distracted by a maitre d’ and Emma runs back off into the night. Pissed, Blair whirls on Serena and blames S for the entire mess, which quickly escalates into a rehash of their fight at Yale. Oh I love it when people drudge up old fights as ammo in new ones. Not cool, B. Chuck arrives before it can get physical (awww), and informs them the bartender told him Emma’s in the corner booth. But it isn’t Emma — it’s her hag mother, and the man she’s making out with is not her husband. Whoopsie. Blair delightedly snaps a picture and breathes a sigh of relief. Blackmail material secured.

After briefly seeing Mini Coop finalizing plans for the fashion show and instructing her A/V friend Stewart “not to do anything gross” to Jenny (ha), we return back to the ghetto, where Rufus is freaking out with Dan and Vanessa. They’re trying to reach both Jenny and Nate by cell when Dan decides to check Gossip Girl — and finds the picture of the aforementioned two kissing at the gala. Shocked and angry, Dan announces they’re at The Palace before shutting down the computer and preventing Rufus and Vanessa from seeing the picture. Aww, I can’t wait for V to see that one.

“What? No. Wh-what are you doing? GET OFF MY SISTER!!!”

In the cab on their way to The Palace, Rufus continues freaking out but rationalizes that at least Nate is with Jenny. Dan, who is now decidedly anti-Nate, makes a few negative comments about Nate’s questionable ethics and past with the cougar and Vanessa. Narrowing her eyes, Vanessa demands to know why Dan’s bromance is suddenly over, and Dan dodges the question by putting her on the spot as to whether she still likes Nate. V shuts up, and they both cringe in embarrassment when Rufus tries to bribe the cabbie into hurrying up with $1. Hello, the best way to convince a cab driver to go faster is to pretend you’re about the puke. Works like a charm. Just don’t actually puke unless you can run fast and aren’t opposed to diving into bushes.

Back at 1oak, Blair is literally thanking God for giving her blackmail material on the hag when Serena comes over and lectures Blair that B can’t do that. Stunned, Blair reminds Serena that blackmailing comes as naturally to her as breathing, and Serena insists the family needs help. Well, true, but I don’t really see that as being their problem, Dr. Phil. Disgusted and late for the gala, Serena leaves when Chuck announces he knows where the tacky Serge character lives and therefore where to find Emma. Sidenote: Anyone else notice that Serena’s dress for the gala is probably the most conservative, appropriate article of clothing she’s put on in weeks? Meeting with Yale Dean — vulva and areola. Fancy evening event — nun’s habit. Wtf?

At the gala, Rufus is waylaid by Bart and Lily when Dan finds Nate and slams him up against a wall. Showing an indignant Nate the picture on Gossip Girl, Dan delivers a scathing lecture that for once is called for. Apologetic but a bit insulted, Nate insists things just happened and he’s not a bad guy — only to be interrupted by Dan who goes, “No, you’re just the guy who trades sex for money.” Haha. Nate offers to help Dan find Jenny, but Dan rejects this and instead that Nate move out immediately. Looks like giving handjobs on the street it is, Archibald.

“Whoa, what is going on with my hair in that pic? I knew I needed more gel… I’m sorry, were you saying something?”

Blair and Chuck have arrived at Serge’s, but Emma won’t open the door until she’s bleeding, possibly pregnant and definitely a new STD statistic. Blair and Chuck yell through the door to check Gossip Girl, and when Emma does, she yanks open the door and wails in despair that it says “Muffy’s muff gets stuffed.” Hell-o that’s a bit much for family hour, CW. Realizing that she’s lost the v-card swiping race, Emma is crestfallen just as Serge calls from another room for her to come there. Blair, Chuck and Emma respond, and Blair shrieks in horror at something off-camera and announces she feels violated, while grabbing Emma and dragging her out. Amused, Chuck tells the presumably-naked Serge to lose the tulip. Yeah, because that sounds like the biggest problem. Tacky is right.

Serena is on her way to the gala when she calls Aaron and gets his voicemail, which is personalized for her — and really awkward for anyone else who’s going to call him. Charmed again, Serena begins leaving a sweet message when a random girl answers his phone and informs Serena Aaron’s in the bathroom. Umm, since when can you answer your phone after someone’s begun leaving a voicemail? I somehow doubt she’s calling a home number. So for the third time, Serena huffs and puffs in irritation over how Aaron dare be hanging out with other girls. Sorry, but I have no sympathy for her in this situation. She’s never even gone out with the kid, and she’s acting like a jealous girlfriend. She has no standing to get pissed off. Tough shit.

At the gala, Nate’s trying to run out when Jenny stops him and learns that Rufus and Dan are there, and Dan knows about the smooching. The show’s about to start and Jenny begs Nate to stay. Proving my point from before, Nate agrees since Jenny is the last person who talked to him. However, the length of Jenny’s skirt may have also helped in her persuasive technique.

You know it’s bad when even Serena would say, “Damn, girl, that’s inappropriate.”

Lily and Bart are just about to receive their philanthropy award when the lights are suddenly cut and truly awful pseudo-punk music fills the room. Sounds like Avril Lavigne finally got a gig after all these years. As everyone looks around in confusion, a gaggle of models run in and and jump on tables while an angsty black and white video plays on the screen. It’s all very loud and immature. And let’s talk about the designs themselves for a while. Jesus Christ. My sorority had an annual event called Tacky Prom, and I think I could have worn any of these outfits and been crowned Queen. My outfit of choice for that event, btw, was a pure white dress with a bustier bodice, a three-tiered ruffled skirt, and then white lace over the bodice to the throat and down to the wrists. It was phenomenal. But yeah, this shit is costumey and fug. Her green dress and the one she wore last week were both super cute, so what the hell happened, Little J? Did you design a personal line for Vanessa?

Surprisingly, this is all seemingly going over well as Lily embarrasses herself with some middle-aged white woman dancing and we see others putting the polaroids the models are distributing in their bags. Mini Coop runs in, sporting a crazy dress that may actually be the only redeemable one in the bunch, and jumps on a table and begins kicking and shattering champagne bottles and glasses. I hope this party has its share of doctors and lawyers in attendance, because both are going to be needed when Chip Belvedere gets glass in his eye. Thrilled, Jenny runs over to Nate and kisses him — right in front of Vanessa, who storms out. Hahahaha, bitch. Nate tries to stop Jenny from chasing V, but Jenny brushes him off and follows.

Emma, Blair and Chuck arrive back at the hotel where Emma and the hag are staying, and Blair and Chuck share a brief moment where they reveal the Gossip Girl message about Muffy was a lie they planted, and she thanks him for his help. Chuck points out the virgin is making another break for it, and Blair sprints from the limo and runs Emma down. Emma tearfully demands to know if Blair’s done ruining things for her, and Blair snaps back that Emma’s first time shouldn’t be in competition with Muffy the lacrostitute. Ha. Blair admits that her first time was with someone she loved, and tells Emma there are better ways to get her mother’s attention. Emma denies it has anything to do with the hag, and Blair calls her bluff, explaining how shitty of a mother Eleanor has been. They continue to bond over horrible parenting, and how they should avoid the Serges of the world. Amen to that.

“Umm, these two are getting a little weird about this limo. I’m outta here.”

While looking for Jenny, Dan receives that call from the Ferret he was waiting for. We only hear his end of the conversation, but it’s clear that none of the Yale professors will write a recommendation based on his writing samples. Shocker. Serena finds him feeling sorry for himself, and he vaguely rambles about how Jenny’s going to be so successful and maybe she’s the only one with guts in the family. Well, yeah, basically you all suck, dude. He finally tells her that he’s not going to get into Yale or any other school with a decent writing program, then leaves Serena staring after him sadly. Sorry Dan, but you only got yourself and your ridiculous lack of talent to blame.

Blair and Emma enter Emma’s hotel room and find the hag waiting for them, furious over the time and the way Emma’s dressed. The hag orders Emma to bed before turning on Blair, accusing her of trying to get in good with Emma in the hopes Emma would plead her case to the Dean. Pissed, Blair pulls out her phone to email the hag the incriminating picture she took earlier when Emma storms back out of her room to defend Blair. “You’re lecturing me?!” the hag exclaims incredulously. “No wonder I don’t want to spend time with you!” Without another word, Emma exchanges a tearful look with Blair and walks away. Well while that was ineffective with the hag, it was effective on Blair, who puts her phone away and quietly tells the hag she should pay more attention to Emma before it’s too late. With that, Blair leaves. Okay, I’m proud of Blair for taking the high road there and showing some maturity, but damn that hag deserved her comeuppance more than most of the people Blair has blackmailed. Not the best time to grow a conscience, B.

While still looking for Vanessa, Jenny runs into Rufus, who is pissed and disappointed as hell. But Jenny doesn’t care. She already has 32 missed calls on her phone from attendees wanting to talk to her about her designs, proving that money does not equal taste in that crowd. As things get more heated, Lily approaches to tell Jenny the show was inspired and wave away Jenny’s attempts at apologizing. Angry that Jenny is getting away with everything, Rufus flags over a cop and tells the officer Jenny is the one responsible. As Jenny shrieks indignantly — as she should, since saddling your daughter with a criminal record isn’t really the best idea on many levels — Lily intervenes to insist they won’t be pressing any charges. Jenny uses the opportunity to escape.

“I’m sorry, miss, but that polka dot number really was a crime against fashion. And eyesight.”

The next morning, Nate is back at his own place when Chuck arrives after hearing Nate had returned. Looking around, Chuck asks Nate what the hell is going on, and Nate snaps back that he told Chuck there was financial trouble. Chuck points out he had no idea how bad it was, and tells Nate he’s coming to stay at the Bass-VDW place when Nate says he’s going to stay with CrazyEyes in the Hamptons. Nate refuses, and seems unnecessarily pissed off about it. What’s up with that? Is he still mad at Chuck for screwing with Dan at Yale? You’d think that’d be a moot point given the time that has passed and the fact Dan got physical with him and called him a whore. Or is this just pride? If so, why so angry?

Blair’s lounging in bed, feeling sorry for herself, when Serena pops in and tries to cheer her up by reminding Blair there are other schools, like Princeton. “Princeton’s a trade school!” Blair snaps hilariously. If those are her standards, then I might as well have gone to clown college. Blair’s phone rings and it’s the Dean. Ruh roh. As she takes that call, a servant informs Serena she has a visitor, so she goes out to greet Aaron in a silk nightie and heels. Serena really needs to stop watching porn since she evidently thinks this is appropriate. Upon joining him, Serena again is self-righteous — something she must have picked up from dating Dan, swell — and pissy about Aaron’s “harem” and “posse.” He starts to defend himself and realizes he doesn’t have to, telling Serena she either thinks something is there or she doesn’t. I think this guy’s a bit of a douche, with his motorcycle, dirty hair and penchant for scarves, but good for him. Serena melts of course, since she has little to no backbone when it comes to guys she likes, and she and Aaron make a dinner date for that night as Blair comes running into the room, screaming ecstatically. Turns out Emma put in a great word for Blair with the Dean, and it now looks like someone is going to Yale.

In the ghetto, Rufus notes that Jenny stomped out around 6 am, and Dan mentions he was up all night finishing his Charlie Trout story for that drunkard writer who encouraged him to find out Chuck’s secrets. Rufus tries to tell Dan not to be an asshole, but Dan is having none of it, and whines about Jenny’s success making him feel like a failure. You are a failure, get over it. And now you’re going to be a huge douchebag to boot. Not to mention, you’re applying to creative writing programs and that story is pretty much non-fiction because you’re too talentless to come up with any original ideas. Ugh. He was finally starting to get a tiny bit on my good side these past few weeks, and now he pulls this crap. Dan finally brushes off Rufus’s “do the right thing” lecture by telling Rufus to look in Jenny’s room — and realize that Jenny is gone gone, as in moved out. Rufus cries. Maybe next time don’t try to get your spawn arrested, asshat.

“Maybe I can live in here?”

As the episode winds to a close, we see Nate mailing a mystery letter to Jenny, Dan mailing the Charlie Trout story to the writer, Blair and Serena pouring over the Yale course catalogue, and Jenny’s trudging around with her suitcase and sewing machine, looking like a crack whore. So what did you think? Did you think this was as much of a filler episode as I did? Am I blind, or are Jenny’s clothes heinous? Do you like Serena and Aaron now that we’ve seen more of him? Will Dan’s decision blow up in his face? What’s next in the Jenny-Nate-Vanessa triangle? And where the hell is Jenny going?