Gossip Girl: Daddy Dearest

Two weeks ago on Gossip Girl (heh… sorry bout that…), a pivotal event shakes our UESiders, giving us weddings, funerals, illegitimate children and declarations of love. I haven’t cried this much since the last time I stepped on a scale.

“I should have told you to eat shit with that licorice ring and married the kid with the Ring Pop. Now he knew how to romance a lady.”

Well, Gasmii, most of us correctly called the death of our resident geriatric as we see before the opening credits that the lead story on Gossip Girl is “Bye, Bye Bart.” Like many of you, I was really hoping for Vanessa dying instead, preferably in the least-dignified manner possible. Sidenote: I once almost died in a disgusting bar here in Chicago called Big City Tap by choking on a complimentary jello shot. I had to Heimlich myself on my bar table because at 3 a.m., it was too loud and my friends were too drunk to notice me frantically pounding the table and waving my arms around to get their attention. Now I think choking to death on a jello shot at Big Shitty has got to one of the least dignified ways to go. In other words, it’s be perfect for Vanessa. What other undignified ways would you like to see her meet her very fortunate and timely demise? Discuss below.

We open at what is now back to being just the VDW joint with Grandma CeCe asking Serena and Eric to sit down for breakfast. Hopefully CeCe’s gotten rid of that nice, maternal bug she picked up in the Hamptons. I liked her a lot better when she was acting like a total vagina last season. The kids refuse, Eric pointing out that CeCe’s coffee cup isn’t fooling anyone. Stick a match near that woman’s mouth and her gin breath could burn down half of Manhattan. However they do sit down to discuss Lily’s odd behavior since Bart’s death, also mentioning that Chuck’s holed himself up at the Palace ever since. Lily breezes in, perky as fuck and oohing and ahing over the flattering picture of Bart in the paper. There’s also a mini-meltdown over a tuna tower that’s too bizarre to explain. Serena shoots CeCe pleading looks to talk to Lily, but when CeCe tries, Lily announces she’s going for a walk in the park and practically runs for the door.

Blair’s also eating breakfast, clearly pissed as hell that Chuck hasn’t been returning any of her phone calls since Bart’s death. Not helping is Eleanor and Cyrus, who are more lovey-dovey than ever and babbling about the reconfirmation of life that comes from death. For once, Blair’s urge to vomit her breakfast is not coming from her bulimia, but from watching Eleanor scratch Cyrus’s chin like a loyal pet Pug that probably farts a lot.

“Oh, Ms. Eleanor! Mr. McMahon send letter! He say you may be winner already!”

Back at Serena’s, Dan’s arrived to check in on her before the funeral starts. For Serena, she’s dressed somewhat appropriately, although I won’t be wearing any sleek, black one-shouldered dresses to stick a relative in the ground anytime soon. She thanks Dan for being around and super supportive over the last week, and they briefly bond just as the scent of vinegar begins to waft down the hall. And sure enough, it’s the douchebag himself, Aaron. Awkwardness ensues as both guys stand there, resisting the urge to compare dick lengths while Serena ponders pinning the hem of her dress up about six inches. She finally tells the guys that she’s going to the funeral alone and will see them both there, just as Aaron refers to himself as “El Ocho” and Dan begins making crude gestures.

As for her walk, Lily’s wound up in Central Park. And she’s not alone — she’s meeting Rufus. That’s a little slutty given that your — what is it? 9th husband? — isn’t even in the ground yet, Lils. She admits she feels guilty about Bart’s death, given that he was on his way to see her when he died, and she was going to dump his ass when he showed up. Well… yeah, you can’t really argue with that. She also mentions that Bart left her a voicemail right before the accident, which she hasn’t brought herself to listen to yet. Well the last time we saw Bart, he was getting the dirt on Lily’s institutionalization, so I’m hoping that voicemail isn’t a mere bored-and-killing-time-in-traffic message. Rufus reminds everyone that when he’s not staring at Vanessa’s ass, he’s obsessed with Lily by telling her that he’ll wait for her, no matter how long it takes or how many other rich old dudes she needs to bang and marry in the meantime. They then separate — only to be observed by a shocked and angry CeCe. I think vagina status is full steam ahead.

Time finally to check in with Chuck, who’s sitting at a hotel bar, ignoring Blair’s repeated calls, and looking ridiculously fucking hot for someone I don’t find too attractive normally. And for once, it’s not obscene amounts of liquor that’s making me have a change of hormones heart. Robert Pattinson has nothing on Ed Westwick in this scene. Yikes, if I don’t start talking about something else, I’m going to need a moment here. Okay. Okay. So Chuck’s meeting with Bart’s private investigator. WTF? Wasn’t the PI in the car with Bart the last time we saw Bart? So was the PI in the car at the time of the accident and just was unhurt? Or had the PI gotten out of the car before the accident? Or is this accident story all bullshit? I wouldn’t put it past Bart — or this show — to fake Bart’s death. Regardless, Chuck demands the PI tell him whatever the PI was telling Bart right before the accident, but the PI reveals that Lily may be willing to pay even more than Chuck. Undaunted, Chuck sneers that Lily’s a bitch and the reason Bart is dead and staggers out.

“If you’ll excuse me, me and this manly hot-pink bottle of liquor are going to unwind with a paraffin foot treatment and the SATC movie on pay-per-view.”

Back at the park, Lily’s decided it’s time to listen to Bart’s voicemail. And what’s it say? “I know the real reason you were in that hospital in France.” Oooh! I’m still sticking with illegitimate children as my guess.

The funeral’s about to begin, and Dan and Aaron are standing outside the church, selfishly maintaining their douchetastic competition over Serena rather than showing any respect for why they’re there. Speaking of a lack of respect, Jenny arrives wearing what can only be described as a tutu dyed black and then tights as pants . Goddammn Serena starting the vulva fashion trend. However, Jenny’s hair and makeup looks semi-normal so I gotta take what I can get.

After the VDWs arrive and Eric yet again resurrects the gay boyfriend plot that still has not gone anywhere, CeCe confronts Lily on Lily’s earlier jaunt in the park. Lily expresses annoyance but dodges CeCe’s questions and insinuations by wondering aloud where Chuck is. Oh he’s coming, Lily, but you ain’t going to like it. Now completely shitfaced off that potent hot-pink liquor, Chuck is stumbling over to the church, staying on two feet only because Blair and Nate are practically holding him up. And he still looks ridiculously hot. Like, if I had to chose between Ed and Chace in this scene, I’d pick Ed and that’s saying something. As the trio gets closer to the church, Chuck spies Dan and shakes off Nate and Blair to race over to beat the crap out of Dan. YES!

Chuck grabs Dan and begins screaming at Dan for having the nerve to be at the funeral, while Dan somewhat snottily informs Chuck that he didn’t write the expose so he doesn’t know what Chuck’s problem is. Um, Dan, Chuck has several other reasons to dislike you (believe me, I’d be happy to provide a list of reasons why I don’t like you as a reference), and it’s HIS dad’s funeral. If Chuck doesn’t want you there, you should get the fuck out, regardless Chuck’s reasons. Serena races over to interfere, and just as I think she’s about to yell at Dan for being insensitive, Serena yells at CHUCK for having the balls to treat Dan poorly when Dan has been there for the family and Chuck hasn’t been. The hell? I walk a thin line most weeks between liking and hating Serena, mostly forcing myself to like her because I’m supposed to. But for fuck’s sake, lady. Chuck’s father just died. I think he gets the ultimate say on the funeral’s guest list.

“How DARE you be upset at your father’s funeral and ruin my fun at being the center of attention?!”

Chuck rants that Bart’s dead because of Rufus and CeCe quickly interferes before Page 6 can print a blurb about the brawl at the Bass funeral. CeCe suggests that Dan leave, and Serena makes me even angrier when she whines that “that’s not fair!” Fuck off, Serena. Seriously. Aaron douchily seconds CeCe’s opinion (who asked you, pube face?), and Chuck stalks off, violently shaking off the comforting hand Blair tries to lay on his arm. Lily falls in step beside Chuck, gently telling him to pull it together, and he then even more violently shakes her off, snapping, “Don’t touch me, whore!” before informing all the VDWs that he has no family. LOL. I’m not sure why, but Chuck calling Lily a whore really amuses me.

In the ghetto, Rufus is busy singing the one song Linkin Hawk has when Dan arrives home to pout over being prevented from smarming all over Serena for the next few hours. Dan tells Rufus what Chuck said to him, and Rufus transparently is like “Gee, son, beats me!” Only Dan’s too stupid to realize something’s a bit off here. Dan asks Rufus why he didn’t go to the funeral, and Rufus yet again gives a ridiculously terrible excuse which Dan fails to follow up on. With these bloodhound instincts, I’m sure that expose would have been amazing, Dan.

Everyone’s made their way to the VDW’s for the post-funeral reception, including Chuck and a worried Blair and Nate. Chuck refuses Blair’s suggestions of food and instead grabs a scotch and heads upstairs, muttering about business he needs to attend do. Left alone, Nate compliments Blair on her maternal side that’s been coming out. “I’m not maternal! I’ve just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I’m turning Jewish! Cmon. I see kugel.” Hehe.

“Hmm, it’s not pink or in a I Dream of Jeanie bottle, but I suppose it’ll have to do.”

Speaking of Cyrus, he’s still on his “life is so short” kick, and proposes he and Eleanor move up the wedding to tomorrow. Horrified, Blair tries to convince Eleanor it’s a terrible idea, but you can tell this is not a debate Blair’s going to win. Blair finally seizes on Eleanor’s lack of wedding dress as the best roadblock available — only to be foiled by Little J, who pops up out of nowhere to annoyingly chirp that she’ll make Eleanor’s outfit as a way to make amends for her whole pseudo-punk Avril Lavigne phase. I know Jenny’s supposed to have some talent as a designer, but I certainly would not let a 15-year-old with an obsession with tulle and polka dots make my wedding dress. If I were as rich as Eleanor, you better believe I’d be speed dialing Vera and telling her to get her Wang over to my place to get my measurements, stat.

Meanwhile, the missing family member to this impromptu joyous union is still busy trying to pee on Serena to make his territory. Specifically, he’s given her tickets to fly to Buenos Aires over Christmas with him. Serena for once gives him the correct answer — that she can’t really go on a trip with him when her entire family is about to check into Eric’s old room at the Ostroff Center. Not to mention, they’ve been dating for what? Two months? Half of which he was banging models during? He accuses her of not wanting to leave Dan, which she denies. Ultimately, she agrees to think about it.

CeCe has tracked Lily down again, and demands Lily find Chuck and find out what Chuck knows since something must be up. Reluctantly, Lily agrees and stomps off to find Chuck just as CeCe gets a mysterious phone call that has her scurrying to meet someone. I’m betting it’s the PI. While we’re left in the dark on that one, Lily has now managed to find Chuck, who’s busy ransacking the offices upstairs. She asks him if he’s looking for the will, and he admits that he’s looking for her PI file instead. She informs him that he won’t find it, and he begins lashing into her again about her role in Bart’s death. Annoyed, Lily turns the tables on him and basically says it’s his fault Bart is dead because Chuck’s the one who called Bart and told him to come down to the party and break up Rufus and Lily’s private moment. Well, yes that’s true, but way to sink to an 17-year-old’s level, Lily. Classy and mature. They go back on forth on this for a while, culminating in Lily slapping him and him announcing she’ll never see him again once he gets his hands on the family money (which tells me right there that some shit’s going to do down when that will is eventually read).

“Oh yeah? Well your ass looks fat in that dress, Mom. And is that a wrinkle I see?”

Chuck heads downstairs and tries to leave, only to be stopped by the Scooby Gang of Blair, Nate, Serena and Eric. They beg him to stay, Eric sweetly telling Chuck that he doesn’t want to lose his brother after having already lost so much. “When are you going to get it?” Chuck slowly and deliberately asks. “We are not related.” Damn. Poor Eric looks like he’s going to cry, because that’s a really shitty thing for Chuck to say, regardless the situation. Luckily, I give Eric enough credit for being mature and smart enough to understand why Chuck’s behaving the way he is, and not be permanently hurt by the cruelty. Chuck, I can only make excuses for you for so long. Don’t pick on the only VDW with more than two functioning brain cells.

Well her fight with Chuck sapped all the energy out of those aforementioned two brain cells, so Lily’s currently sitting on a couch upstairs, stewing over their confrontation, when CeCe enters. Sure enough, it was the PI who called earlier, and he wants money from Lily to keep the details of her institutionalization a secret. Lily insists that they have to pay the PI, but CeCe isn’t so sure — and thinks this may be a great time for a clean slate. If I’m right on an illegitimate child, I agree with Lily that the day she put a husband in the ground isn’t the best time to go around admitting getting knocked up by another man who’s still in her life.

After his cruelty to Eric shocked everyone into silence, Chuck succeeded in getting out of the reception and has almost made it to his limo when Blair comes running down the street, calling his name. She begs him to let her into his heart and his head, telling him she wants to be there for him. Chuck’s anger starts climbing again, and he lashes out that she is not his girlfriend. Undaunted, Blair steps closer and explains that they are Blair and Chuck, and that she will stand by him through anything. Fighting to keep his emotions in check, which are clearly coming to the surface much more than Chuck is willing to let them, he bites out “And why would you do that?” “Because… I love you.” Okay, I’m not going to lie, Gasmii. I started bawling at this point. Like lost my shit. I am way too emotionally invested in this show. But what a moment — for Blair to finally say those words. And then what followed… “Well that’s too bad” and Blair shaking in emotion and shedding a silent tear. Ed Westwick may have been overacting a bit earlier, but this scene was dead on and amazing.

I know, sweetie. I know.

The next day, Serena and Dan are strolling along, and she admits that Aaron invited her to Buenos Aires for Christmas. Dan tries to play it off lightly, but Serena dives back into their turning point sex conversation from the episode before, and reveals that a fuckfest in South America isn’t necessarily what she wants. She’s basically fishing for him to re-declare himself and tell her not to go, because she can’t make a decision for herself. But Dan refuses to do so, and for once has a right to be a bit condescending when he informs her she needs to make her own choices since she’s the one in a relationship, not him. Oh, S, when you’ve got me starting to routinely like Dan more than you, you’ve gotta realize you’ve fucked up, big time. If Vanessa moves up higher than you on the list, you might as well stab yourself in the eye with a stiletto.

At Blair’s, B is a bit overwhelmed with all the wedding festivities swirling around her, and winds up breaking down to Cyrus about telling Chuck she loves him. Crying, she leans over and hugs Cyrus, asking for help. Cyrus correctly tells her that she doesn’t need help, but Chuck needs time. Soothed, Blair starts to straighten up, but then uses Cyrus’ “not enough” catch phrase and rehugs him, while a touched Eleanor looks on from the doorway.

At the VDW place, CeCe arrives home and explains things went “very well” with the PI. Hmm, that doesn’t necessarily mean she paid the PI off like Lily told her to, now does it? I don’t trust CeCe, and I love her for it. CeCe quickly changes the subject to ask what Lily’s planning to do about being in love with Rufus — which Serena overhears as she enters the apartment. Ruh roh. Serena stalks off and Lily follows her, explaining that it’s a mutual love and that Rufus wants to be with her. Shocked, Serena tells Lily that Lily and Rufus should try to make it work, and that she’s going to try to make it work with Aaron. As much as I hate Aaron, I’m glad Serena’s still not pulling that immature bullshit she did last season when she demanded Lily not bang Rufus so she could bang Dan. Serena announces she’s going to South America with Aaron, and Lily happily tells Serena she thinks that’s great — further cementing her status as worst. parent. ever. You know I plan on letting my 17-year-old daughter run off to another continent with a boy she’s only been dating for a few weeks, completely unsupervised. Hell, I’ll put together a care package of booze, coke and condoms with holes poked in them well I’m at it. Lily’s inspired me.

“Your turn to hump a Humphrey! Maybe next time we’ll switch!”

Dan arrives home to whine about Serena to Jenny, who tells him to grow a pair and stop S from going to South America. Yes, Dan, listen to your 15-year-old sister whose love life is a complete fucking disaster. Since now Dan has no mind of his own, he decides Jenny is right, and agrees to go over to Blair’s to help deliver Eleanor’s wedding dress and talk to Serena there. Rufus comes out of the crapper long enough to see Dan and Jenny run off and answer a phone call from Lily — who invites him to go away with her for Christmas. Wow, those VDW women sure love their fuckfests. And I’m stupidly yet again blown away by Lily’s parenting prowess. Sure, S will be in South America and Dan and Jenny will be with Mrs. Humps — but what about ERIC, Lily?? You know, your OTHER child?? At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if she left him in the lion exhibit at the zoo or at the Spears residence.

Chuck’s back at that hotel bar, meeting with the PI again — who reveals that CeCe did not give him a dime for the information. Haha, that’s what you get for making your mom do your dirty work for you, Lils. After pretending not to be interested, Chuck snaps up the envelope of information and stalks out.

Serena arrives at Blair’s and informs Aaron — who looks ridiculous in his tie-less formal getup — that she will be going with him to Buenos Aires. The Humphreys arrive, and Serena and Aaron stare at Dan in confusion. “I carried the garment bag,” he says awkwardly, channeling Baby Houseman. Aaron makes himself scarce, and Dan begins pleading his case — only for Serena to shut him down by explaining that Lily and Rufus are in love. The ick factor takes the wind out of Dan’s sails, and he lets Serena go, walking out dejectedly.

“Well, it’s cool if I go balls-deep in Lexi then, right?”

Chuck’s at home, looking over the information he paid so dearly for, when Lily walks in. He taunts her — without revealing to us the contents of the information — and she begs him to stop turning away from the people who love him, which is a lesson Bart never learned. Silently, Chuck looks away as Lily leaves to go strangle CeCe/shit herself in private over whatever that secret is. However, once alone, Chuck burns the information. Maybe he is taking Lily’s words to heart.

Eleanor and Cyrus’s wedding is a simple affair, with Eleanor wearing a lion-maned hideous jacket (good work, Little J), Dorota adorable as a bridesmaid (!!!) and Serena and Blair both looking elegantly beautiful. Eleanor and Cyrus’s relationship usually does nothing for me, but their vows are so heart-felt and delivered so convincingly by both actors that I tear up again. Seriously, is anyone else having this problem? Thankfully, I just need to look at pube face and any sappiness turns to nausea.

As they’re toasting the happy couple after the ceremony, we see someone walking down the stairs and whisper to Dorota, who in turn whispers to Blair. With a look of annoyance mingled with nerves, Blair leaves the festivities and enters her bedroom — where Chuck is waiting. She tries for bravado at first, snapping out “What do you think you are doing here?”, but it quickly fades when he turns to her silently, revealing an utterly broken expression. Without another word, Blair drops onto the bed and wraps her arms around him — an embrace he hesitantly then gratefully returns moments later. OMG these are not real fucking people, LoLo. Stop crying. Stop it. Now. Goddammit.

Elsewhere, Lily is preparing to leave with Rufus for their Christmas getaway, removing her wedding ring. That’s just as classy as going away on a fuckfest before the earth over your latest husband’s grave has settled. The only classier thing to do would be bring it with and use it as a cock ring. I have a feeling it’d fit.

“Don’t want to forget this baby! Nothing turns a woman on like playing that ‘Run Away’ song over and over and over until she wants to blow her brains out.”

Before Rufus can get out the door to meet Lily, CeCe arrives for a quick chat. Needless to say, Rufus is unhappy to see the woman who’s tried hard to keep him and Lily apart, and basically tells her to get the hell out. He should just throw a bottle of gin into the hallway and lock the door behind her when she chases it. CeCe remains stubborn, telling Rufus that Lily has a secret that he needs to know, because without that knowledge, nothing can ever work out between him and Lily. Rufus doesn’t want to hear it, having had enough of CeCe’s meddling over the years, but CeCe insists she gave Lily the chance to come clean herself, and she not only refused, but wanted CeCe to pay money to make the secret go away. Rufus doesn’t say anything else, appearing to allow CeCe to meddle yet again…

Dan arrives home in the ghetto and finds Rufus sitting by himself in the dark, methodically removing the strings from his guitar while muttering about having a secret of his own. Stepping over the rope and arsenic on the floor, Dan selfishly doesn’t think to ask what all the plastics tarps and maps of local forest preserves are for but rather begins bitching at Rufus for not telling him he still loves Lily. Rufus says he will never be with Lily, and Serena doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about. With that, Rufus storms out.

Aaron and Serena are in a limo on their way to the airport, with Serena very insincerely assuring him she has no regrets about going to South America with them. As Serena tries to ignore a phone call from Dan (looking tortured by the process), Aaron begs her to give their relationship a real chance because he thinks he may be falling in love with her. Oh god. She presses the ignore button on her phone, gives Aaron a half-heated smile in response, and pecks him on the lips. I swear, I have more chemistry with the random smelly dude whose groin is pressed up against my ass on the bus every morning on the way to work.

So we gotta finally find out what Lily’s secret is. Rufus arrives at the train station to meet Lily, who quickly figures out something is wrong as she sees he has no bags and his moobs are quivering in indignation underneath his ill-advisedly tight sweater. “Just tell me one thing,” he says quietly. “Was it a boy or a girl?” LOVE CHILD! Boo ya! God, has that got to one neurotic, judgmental, stupid little bastard or what?

And that leaves us with the very last scene of this stellar episode — Blair waking up alone, finding a note from Chuck that reads, “I’m sorry for everything. You deserve much better. Don’t come looking for me. Chuck.” Aggggh! I had to expect something like that, but thanks for kicking me in the ovaries, show.

So what did you think? I loved this episode, as you can tell from the major emotional reactions I had throughout the hour. The writers asked a lot of Ed, and for the most part he really delivered. Leighton, as always, was also perfect. Do you think Bart’s really dead? I think he is, but I wouldn’t be shocked to eventually find out otherwise. Did Lily give the baby up for adoption or did she have an abortion (I’m definitely going with adoption — why introduce a love child plot unless you’re going to eventually produce a love child?) Can Lily and Rufus still make it work? Can Serena and Aaron? Blair and Chuck? Where did Chuck go? And how amazing with it to be Vanessa-free and Jenny-lite this week??

I’ll be back in 2009 with (timely) recaps of Gossip Girl when it returns from its three-week hiatus. Until then, happy holidays everyone and have a safe and wonderful new year! ~ LoLo