Gasmii! Alright, I’m going to be honest here and tell you straight up that what
we have this week is what I like to call a “Busy Work” episode of Gossip Girl;
it serves no real purpose, they’re just giving it to you to tide you over until
next week. There’s probably a fancy name for it in the business, but from what I
gather, it’s an episode of a show that could easily be taken out of the entire
season, and nobody would care. Naturally, the writers decided this was the
the time to give Eric a plotline…kinda. Despite all this, there’s still fun to
be had by all, and we see a new side to a few of our favorite (least favorite)
characters. Join me after the jump!
If you didn’t already see the title…ERIC GETS A PLOTLINE!
It’s Halloween time in the Upper East Side, and we begin our episode with a shot of
Rufus carving KISS pumpkins. I was a bit skeptical of this at first, because I know for a fact that there are people you can hire to decorate for you.Then I realized that Rufus is probably the kind of guy that is really into all that arts and crafts-y shit because he has nothing better to occupy his time.He’s totally that Dad who is in the midst of an extended mid-life crisis; He doesn’t have a job, his son is at school, and his daughter and other various pseudo-children are too busy doing more “work” in one day than he’s done in three years.
“Okay, almost done…just in time for my knitting class, but I have to be back before two, or else I won’t have time to put sprinkles on the jack-o-lantern cookies…”
Speaking of his daughter, she and Lily have just returned from a shopping trip, and are trying to find places for Jenny’s new clothes. Lily requests that Jenny let her go through the closet and throw out the things that are taking up all the space. I don’t think Lily means anything by this, and I’m sure she’s just used to Serena’s closet having so much more room because all of her tube tops doubled as skirts. However, she pulls out one of Jenny’s old uniform jumpers and asks, “I mean, does this even still fit you?” Wow. Isn’t that such the thing a clueless stepmother would say? It’s not that she’s trying to hurt Jenny’s feelings, but you know that comment is still going to induce an eating disorder.
“Jenny, I thought you bought this only four months ago. This is exactly why we didn’t stop at the candy bar on the way home. Oh, but don’t let anything that I say influence you…”
Over at the new Bass Hotel, King Bass is lamenting to Queen Bee that he isn’t bringing in as much business as he would like. She tells him that he should open up his club in order to avoid having to take in the fannypack toting tourists who are currently booking rooms. Blair thinks that an 80′s theme would be great for his opening, although she’s not sure about the attire, as “shoulderpads can be overwhelming” on her delicate frame. He tells her that he’s trying to run a business, not organize a highschool party, which is something that she wouldn’t understand. I have to give Chuck props for trying to be successful outside of simply being a Bass.
“Look, I’m a businessman. I have more ambition in my unnaturally tiny ear, than Rufus Humphrey has in his entire doughy body.”
Queen Bee senses that he may still be upset with her about making him kiss Josh Ellis, and then lying to him about her motives. She doesn’t understand why he forgave her if he’s just going to continue to be passive aggressive about everything, and she tells him to either make her kiss a girl already, or move on. He lets her know that he’s just been on edge lately about the hotel, and if you didn’t already know, he’s trying to run a business, and again, this NOT a game.
“You’re so sexy when you’re being a legitimate businessman.”
“Thank you. Now please refrain from touching me in public, it’s tasteless.”
In Brooklyn, we see Nate and Dan having a nice Bro-No Homo hangout session. Nate was kind enough to bring over the Endless Knights series, the presumably horrendous movies that starred Hilary Duff. Nate asks Dan if he really wants to subject himself to that degree of bad acting, and Dan tells him, “Yeah. Me and [Hilary Duff] have been dating for a couple of weeks, so it’s getting pretty serious, and I’ve waited so long to see it, it’s embarrassing.” Okay, a “couple” implies two. You’ve been dating for two weeks? In what world does two weeks qualify as “serious”? ElementarySchoolLand, I suspect. Nate hands him the movie, which is wrapped in a brown paper bag like it’s some black market porno from whatever sketchy, back alley video store Nate frequents in his spare time.
“Yeah, I got it. It was no problem, really, I had some other stuff to pick up from that place anyway.”
“Mmm, what kind of ‘stuff’?”
“The ‘mind your own damn business’ kind of stuff.”
Nate also gives Dan the 411 on the movie: Hilary Duff was dating her costar on the movie, “Patrick Roberts”, and during one of the love scenes, the ended up getting a little too into their parts, and started gettin’ it on for real. Gross. Nate read about this on one of the Endless blogs. Nate likes blogs? I wonder if he reads TVGasm…Anyway, he lets Dan know that as soon as he watches the movie, his and Hilary Duff’s relationship will never be the same. Dan tells him that he’s not too worried about it. However, before starting the movie, Gossip Girl sends out a blast with a picture of Hilary Duff grabbing a handful of free condoms, presumably for her night with Dan. Awkward.
We cut to Serena at work. Her boss, Casey (I know it’s actually “K.C.” but my fingers will continue to automatically type Casey, so there you have it), saw the gossip blast and demands to know why Hilary Duff is getting condoms. “I assume it’s because she wants to practice safe sex…” Serena responds.
“Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex, cuz you don’t want that late text, that ‘I think I’m late…’ text.” -Weezy
Casey tells her that Duff shouldn’t be practicing anything without her costar, Patrick Roberts. Pause! OMG, I get it now! Robert Pattinson…Patrick Roberts…Endless Knights is a series about vampires! Doh! How could I have been so blind?! Anyway, Casey asked Serena to take care of the “Dan Humphrey Situation” already, and Serena failed to do so. Serena tells her that she doesn’t want to break them up because they are happy together. Casey responds, “Well, since I’m not a couples counselor, their happiness is irrelevant.” Ha! I like this lady. Casey also tells her that the only way to keep Patrick Roberts relevant, is to have him dating Hilary Duff. She also tells Serena that if she ever wants to start getting “real” work, instead of having to deliver James Franco’s underwear, then she better get cracking on Operation HumphreyDuff. You know, I would gladly deliver James Franco’s underwear any day. I love him more than words can even express. It’s ridiculous. He’s on the second tier of my “Celebrities That Could Rock my World” pyramid. He’s right up there with the Ryans (Gosling and Reynolds). But, you all didn’t need to know that…Moving on…
As Jenny and Eric (when they are together I refer to them as JenEric, like “generic” fag/hag team) are walking on the Met steps, Eric tells Jenny that Rufus asked for his measurements in the morning. “Does this mean I’m getting a flannel?” he asks Jenny. HAHAHA! I LOVE ERIC SO MUCH! Everything from this kid’s mouth turns to comedic gold. Jenny tells him not to worry, and that Rufus is a “costume enthusiast”, and that he loves Halloween more than Christmas or his birthday. Of course he does. They run into the Mean Girls, who are arguing about who gets to give Jenny her daily yogurt. Jenny yells at the girls for there being skins on her almonds, and tells them to fix it ASAP. After the Mean Girls scurry off to fetch Jenny a new yogurt, Jenny realizes that Eric and Jonathan (his boyfriend) are sitting above her on the steps. She asks them if they can move down a few steps, as nobody is supposed to sit higher than the queen. They decide to move in order to keep peace in the kingdom, and as they are walking away the Mean Girls rush up to Jenny with the yogurt minus skinned almonds. Jonathan tells Eric that Jenny is being a bitch, and he doesn’t approve. Eric tells him that she’s still the same Jenny underneath the thick, dark makeup, and Jonathan says, “Well that mask is becoming her FACE!” (And yes, he did emphasize the word “FACE”). Seriously, can someone please give Eric and Jonathan their own spinoff?
Back in Brooklyn, Dan and Nate are watching Endless Knights.
I can’t help but laugh at Hilary Duff in her love scene. She’s just one of those people who I cannot imagine actually “doing it”. Ever. I get the same feeling about the Duff being sexually active as I do about old people being sexually active…it’s just awkwardly laughable. Anyway, the boys seem to be thoroughly enjoying the movie: Nate asks Dan if he’s alright with seeing Hilary doing the naughty with her ex-boyfriend, and Dan tells him that everything is alright, he’s just processing what’s in front of him at the moment. As he says this, Hilary Duff calls. Dan answers and pretends to have the swine flu. He asks her if he can call her back in a few days. Uhm…a few days? Is he not going to be able to talk tomorrow? I thought they talked every day. Isn’t that what people in a “serious” relationship do?
Back at Serena’s place of employment, she and Queen Bee are discussing the Bass Club. Queen Bee tells Serena that she’s made plans to have the Club open the next night, and Serena doesn’t know if that’s a good idea; she tried to help Cartier, and it just backfired on her. As she’s warning Bee not to involve herself in Chuck’s bid-nass, the phone rings and it’s the King himself. He tells her that he wants to open his club the next evening, and needs a publicist. He wants Serena to handle everything, including keeping Queen Bee out of the loop. He doesn’t want her involved in any of the plans.
“Yeah, Chuck, it might be a little late for that.”
After hanging up with Serena, King Bass heads down to the bar to meet up with Nate, who tells him that he’s not buying this new, legitimate businessman-like conduct Chuck is selling. King Bass tells him not to worry, he’s not going full-fledged legit just yet; his club is going to be a speakeasy, complete with a 20′s themed opening, and moonshine martinis. Nate asks if Blair is involved in the planning of this event, but then realizes that Chuck is still hung up about the whole kissing Josh Ellis thing, though they aren’t in a “fight” because according to King Bass, “A fight requires time and energy. This is more of an ongoing, detached distrust.” Well said.
Back at the office, Queen Bee can’t believe that King Bass would choose Serena over her to plan his opening. Serena tells Bee to shut up, because they’re not in a private sphere, and explains that the only way she can prove herself to Casey is by not telling her about the party until it is amazing. So, basically, lying so that she can take all the credit for planning this huge event. Blair isn’t listening to a word Serena says. She’s still confused as to why Chuck is upset with her. Serena tries to explain that it isn’t the kissing of another guy that angered Chuck, it’s the fact that Bee lied to him. Also, the night isn’t about her, it’s about King Bass and his speakeasy, and Serena and her job. In addition, Serena is concerned because his liquor license hasn’t even cleared. She’s sure that Bart Bass had a way of getting things done, and she’s trying to channel him from the grave so he can help her figure out how the hell to get this club opened on time. You know, I think there should be bracelets that say “What Would Bart Bass Do?” You know, like “What Would Jesus Do?” Except…the answer would probably be the opposite of what Jesus would do. Anyway, a lightbulb goes off in Queen Bee’s head, and she leaves the office, telling Serena that she’s going to head home, but we know that she’s off to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong.
At the VD Dubs home, Rufus enters with bags full of candy. Lily tells him that there will be no handing out of candy because Chuck has invited them to the opening of his club. Rufus lets her know that they WILL NOT be attending the opening, and wasn’t Lily the one who told him not to embarrass the kids? She says she only meant that he shouldn’t make them dress up as the Ramones, and he responds, “Well Jenny would have made a great Joey!” Yeah. Maybe. He also tells her that he’d rather dress up and hand out candy. Ugh. Leave it to Rufus to want to do the lamest thing ever on Halloween, even when there are several more exciting alternatives. Handing out candy is for soccer moms who are relegated to the house, while their significantly “cooler” husbands take their kids trick-or-treating, not for couples who have the option of attending their stepson’s amazing club opening.
Excuse me, do I look like I drive a minivan?
Back on the Met steps, Jonathan is still complaining to Eric about Jenny’s behavior. Eric tells him to just ignore her, but Jonathan has a better idea. He grabs his backpack, and runs up the stairs so that he can sit higher than Jenny. The Mean Girls point this out to Jenny, and she goes to ask Jonathan to move. Eric joins Jonathan, and tells Jenny that it’s not big deal if they sit there for a few minutes. Instead of taking the high road, Jenny trots off and lets her servants deal with the problem for her…by dumping yogurt on Eric’s head.
At the Humphrey Home, Dan gets a visit from Hilary Duff. She comes bearing soup, but realizes that Dan has been faking his illness. He lets her in, and she spots the Endless Knights DVD series on his table. “I know what this is about,” she says, “You think I’m a bad actress don’t you?” Yes. Dan tells her that he’s more concerned about her relationship with Patrick Roberts, but she tells him not to believe everything he’s heard; she was never actually dating Patrick Roberts. It was all a publicity stunt, and she’s fully committed to him. Great.
Bright red nails. Cheetah print. Blonde hightlights. I’m thinking her costume for this year is a 40-year-old cougar.
In Serenaville, Serena receives a text from Hilary Duff saying that she and Dan will be attending Chuck’s opening. She uses this information to convince Casey (who has confronted her about the party) that she was just trying to get Hilary Duff and Patrick Roberts back together by throwing a party, and wanted to surprise Casey with the great news. Smooth. Casey tells Serena that her plan better work, or she’s fired. End scene.
At Club Bass, Chuck is still having issues obtaining a liquor license. He talks to the bartender, Horance, and then gets a call saying that he’s going to get the liquor license in time. However, in the next shot we see that Queen Bee was behind this, and she called in a favor from Uncle Jack Bass. Yeah, don’t think Bart Bass would have called in a favor from his slimy younger brother. Just sayin’…
Back at the VD Dubs, Rufus comes tromping down the stairs in this little number:
Lily tells him that he shouldn’t get too excited about handing out candy because trick-or-treaters never come to the VD Dubs place. Rufus tells her that it’s because no one thinks that they’re ever home. Well Rufus, that’s because they probably AREN’T home on Halloween. While you’re sitting at home every year gnawing on the leftover candy corn that nobody wanted, and strumming your guitar to your lame Lincoln Hawk songs, other people are out there in the world being social, and enjoying their life. As he and Lily are talking, Eric comes in, still wet from being doused with yogurt. Lily asks him if he’s sick, and he tells her to ask Jenny what the problem is.
At the dorms, King Bass pays Queen Bee a visit, and he comes bearing gifts. He tells her that it took longer than anticipated to get over the Josh Ellis incident, and he’s sorry for not including her in his club opening plans, but he hopes that they can put everything behind them, and start fresh, and in Brooklyn, Hilary Duff is trying to convince Dan that he should be a musician as opposed to a gangster because he has “no street cred”. For the first time in my life, I actually agree with something that comes out of this chick’s mouth. They ask for Serena’s opinion, and Serena tells them that she doesn’t have time for their childish antics; she has a job to finish, and part of doing her job consists of breaking them up. However, she comes up with a compromise. “I hope it includes firing Casey!” Dan says.Serena asks Hilary to just pretend to be back together with Patrick Roberts for the opening, and it will make everyone happy. Duff agrees, and Serena is off to put her plan in motion.
Just point it a little more toward your head Dan.
Back at the VD Dubs Palace, Lily is having a talk with Jenny about what she and the Mean Girls did to Eric. Jenny tells her that Eric should have just shut his mouth and accepted his punishment willingly, and Lily tells her that she’s going to have to do the same thing: She can only go to Chuck’s opening if Eric still wants to go with her (I really hope that he doesn’t), and that all of the Mean Girls have to apologize to him when they get there. This isn’t preschool Lily, “sorry” doesn’t mean anything from these girls. Would you like to send Jenny to go into time out as well? I guess Lily is just used to her children ignoring their punishments, so she doesn’t feel the need to tire herself by coming up with legitimate consequences anymore.
At the club, a messenger has delivered King Bass’ liquor license. King Bass thanks him and the messenger says, “Anything for Jack Bass.” Snap. Chuck turns around to ask Serena why should would call Jack, of all people, and he is shocked when Serena tells him that Blair knew about his problem. They both turn to Blair, who acts as if nothing is wrong. She tells him that it shouldn’t matter the liquor license came from, but he lets her know that Jack Bass is the last person he would EVER ask for help. He tells her that he doesn’t trust her, she’s a brat, and she’s uninvited to his opening.
“There is really no chance of you not being a pain in the ass for the next 24 hours is there?”
When she beckons Serena to leave with her, Serena tells her that she’s committed to opening the club with Chuck, so she’s going to stay.
“Yeah, can we maybe just put our friendship on hold until tomorrow?”
After the break, it’s time for the opening of Club Bass! Serena is checking people’s names off the door, when Nate pulls up. “Alone Nate?” she asks him, “What’s wrong? Don’t have any friends left to screw over?” Ooh. But wait, Nate responds with this: “At least I’m on the list, and not working the door.” Oh shit! That was a real stinger. I think that’s the best line that Nate has ever had. You know, I don’t know how to feel about this new, mean, Nate. Where’s the lovable, man-banged, puppy dog that I know and love? Remember the good ol’ days of Season 2 when he lost all his money and was living with the Humphreys? He was so much more humble back then.
Jenny enters the party, and the Mean Girls immediately rush up to her and tell her that Eric is there. She lets them know that she has a plan to get him back for being a tattletail. No bueno. We also see that back at the NYU dorms, Blair is playing chess with Dorota (who is simultaneously dusting the room, what talent.) There’s a knock at the door, and in comes a giant bouquet of flowers. However, they aren’t from Chuck, but whatever the note says prompts Queen Bee to scream for her dress, and head to the opening.
Back at the party, there are bubbles flying everywhere, and lots of flapper dresses. Chuck sees Blair, and she tells him that she’s sorry for going behind his back (AGAIN), and all she wanted was for him to say that he needed her. Isn’t that what we all want? Just to be needed by someone? Chuck tells her that the liquor license that she “so thoughtfully procured” was a fake, but he knew that all along, because when you look up “Jack Bass” in the dictionary you see a picture of a snake in the grass. Blair asks what will happen if the cops show up, and Chuck tells her that he’s handling it all. We are then shown this wonderfully flattering shot of Eric. I know that he’s supposed to be “20′s”, but all I see is Raoul Duke.
Jenny comes up to him, and like the nice brother he is, he asks her to sit down, and then HE apologizes to HER for ratting her out to his mom. Seriously, this is the nicest kid I’ve ever seen. He just wants everyone to get along. Is that so much to ask for? He asks her where the Mean Girls are, and she shrugs her shoulders. We then see a shot of the Mean Girls hiding behind a car, and Jonathan walking past. They snicker, and rush out to throw eggs at him.
This is why I am of the firm belief that they should hand out complimentary ponchos on Halloween.
We cut to Serena roaming around the party, making sure that everything is going smoothly. Casey walks up to her and introduces the infamous Patrick Roberts.
This smarmy poor man’s Dr. Chase is supposedly every girl’s dream.
Casey asks where Hilary Duff is, but then sees her in the corner kissing Dan. As Serena is rushing to repair the situation, King Bass interrupts her by saying that the cops are there to shut down the party. After watching King Bass simply stand there while the police collect the alcohol and shuffle everyone out of the location, Serena says, “Chuck, you might want to stop them!” To which King Bass responds, “Why would I stop them? I called them.” Serena watches him walk away, and then turns to Queen Bee for an explanation. Queen Bee tells her that once they found out the the liquor license was a fraud, they had two options: the could either wait for Uncle Jack to call ABC, or they could call on their own. They decided to take back control of the situation,and make it into a night that nobody could ever forget. Because of the bust, the King Bass Hotel is going to be front page news. Business will be better than ever. Serena gets frustrated, and tells Blair that now Casey blames the entire catastrophe on her, and she doesn’t understand how Blair could do this to her. Blair tells her to think back to earlier in the episode when Serena chose to stay with Chuck instead of leaving the club with Blair; now Queen Bee is simply returning the favor.
Fat Free Revenge Ice Cream: 1 Part Skinny Bitch. 2 Parts Delicious. Best Served Cold.
At the VD Dubs place, Rufus realizes that the same trick-or-treaters have been coming over and over again at Lily’s request. She didn’t want Rufus to feel as though he had to leave all of his traditions in Brooklyn. Rufus says he loves her, and that he wants to take Lily trick-or-treating. She says she draws the line at door-to-door, and Rufus says, “I’m just thinking of one door.” Uhm, Omg gross.I’m not even going to make the joke that everyone is thinking right not because I’m too busy gagging on bile.
Back at the party, Hilary Duff tells Dan that she actually was dating Patrick Roberts, even though she told Dan that she wasn’t. She lied to him because she didn’t want him to compare himself to Patrick. As they’re kissing and making up Serena bursts in and exposes them to the paparazzi. When asked who’s dating Patrick Roberts, if not Hilary Duff, Serena tells them that she is, and kisses Patrick.Okay…because Patrick Roberts dating a highschool educated, scored socialite is going to save his career…right…Whatever. The club is now empty, and King Bass and Queen Bee are discussing what a success their plan was. Bee asks King Bass if he believes she’s trustworthy now, and he tells her that she’ll never be fully trustworthy, but that’s what makes their relationship interesting, and he can think of better ways for Blair to express her love for him, aside from nosing her way into his business affairs. We then flash to Jenny returning home to find Eric in the kitchen:
Hey Eric, whatcha doin’?
Oh, just putting back the knife that you shoved into my back earlier.
Jenny tells Eric that she wanted to call of the whole egging Jonathan, but if the Mean Girls were to see her hesitate in any way it would cause a full on rebellion. She wants him to know that it’s nothing personal, and that she’s still his friend and still his sister, they just can’t let the worlds get confused. Eric says that he’s not confused, and that he wants nothing to do with her in either world.
At the club, King Bass explains to Horace his plan to make the club into a members-only establishment, and Horace tells him that Bart Bass would be proud of him in the “best way” possible. Uh, I don’t know how you can be proud of someone in the “worst way” possible. Being proud of you for doing something illegal? Because I’m pretty sure that what Chuck is doing is illegal, so…I dunno. They see Serena searching around the bar for Casey’s purse. Blair goes up to her and asks if she would like to be the publicist for King Bass’ club. Serena tells her that she would never, ever under any circumstances work for her, and that even though King Bass has forgiven her, she’s not going to. “But I’m giving you a chance to quit working for Casey!” Blair states, to which Serena responds, “Casey can be a bitch because she’s my boss, but you’re supposed to be my friend.” That’s right Serena, bros over hoes, or, hoes over bros in your case.
Gossip Girl reminds us that sometimes your mask can become your face, and we immediately see a shot of Jenny (nicely done, writers), who takes all of her old clothes out of her closet to make room for her new clothes, and her big huge new ego. Is this the end of JenEric? I think so Gasmii… Anyway, that’s about it for this episode. Not too eventful. Nothing too exiting. Lesson Learned: Don’t let Halloween be your excuse to put the bitchy, backstabbing personality you’ve always wanted to wear; you should wear that personality all the time, because nobody likes a flip-flopper, and its better to be feared than loved.