Gossip Girl: Ew, They’re Definitely Going There…

This week on Gossip Girl, Nate takes on a part-time job, a new love trapezoid develops, and Serena & Dan unintentionally demonstrate the need for Lysol disinfectant wipes. Oh and this:

“Hey Big Daddy…”

We open the morning after the White Party, with Dan and Serena waking up half-dressed (him still in her grandfather’s suit, gross) on the beach after a long night of public sex. Dan’s immediately affectionate while Serena admits she’s confused and has some sand in some really unfortunate places. She wants to think before they get back together, although she’s not sorry about what happened. However, they did break up for many reasons (well, really just the fact Dan’s a douche), so they should move forward carefully. She declares that they should next see each other back in the city, someplace where their lust can’t get the better of them again. Anyone else predicting a reenactment of the “Risky Business” subway scene coming our way?

“Oh, God, and in my grandpa’s suit?! There goes another 10 grand in therapy…”

Meanwhile, Blair and JaMarcus are goofily riding bikes around the Hamptons while Blair fishes for information on his plans once the summer ends. He tells her he plans to go where ever she goes, which makes her ecstatic and drop another annoying “milord.” This storyline is really aggravating me for a lot of reasons. I don’t mind that JaMarcus is currently the roadblock between Chuck and Blair, since the writers are clearly gearing up for a Ross & Rachel-style on-and-off again thing with them. And I can’t decide whether I like them better together and vulnerable or apart and hilarious. My issue is with how this storyline makes JaMarcus a twit and her shallow. As of 12 hours ago she was merely using him to make Chuck jealous, and even insulted JaMarcus to his face. But suddenly she hears he’s nobility, and now she’s practically humping his leg and he’s worshipping her. It’s really turned me off to both of them. I still love Blair overall, but this makes me disappointed in her. Not to mention JaMarcus’s fake accent. Ed Westwick (Chuck) actually IS English. Can’t he dub in this dude’s lines or something? /end rant.

Anyway, they sit down for breakfast (or knowing Blair right now, high tea), where he mentions that his family is also in the area. Blair wants to meet the Duke and Duchess, whereas JaMarcus clearly has reservations about her and the Duchess coming face to face. Probably because his wrinkles indicate he’s twice her age. Upset, Blair runs out of the restaurant and calls Serena, quickly filling her in on JaMarcus’s true identity before idiotically declaring she’s in love with him. Serena earns some points in my book when she looks nearly as disgusted as I do and insists that this is deep-down still an elaborate scheme to upset Chuck, which Blair of course denies.

While Blair begins complaining about her “uncertain future” with JaMarcus and the Duchess complication, Chuck walks up behind her and quickly darts into the restaurant before she can see him. As he suspected, he finds JaMarcus waiting alone at a table, sipping tea and trying to scrounge up a personality before Blair gets back. Smirking to himself, Chuck approaches oozing charm and offers of friendship to a cautious yet idiotically trusting JaMarcus, who accepts. He’s like a big, dumb golden retriever with a fake accent. Except I wouldn’t kick a golden retriever with a fake accent. I’d sell it to some carnie folk. It fucking talks, dude.

“Jolly good, then ol’ chap! Here’s my bank account, SSN, list of commonly used passwords… anything else you need? WOOF!”

Finally shutting up about herself, Blair asks how Serena’s night ended up, which Serena avoids answering as she approaches the Hamptons Jitney bus stop. Once there, however, she runs into Dan, waiting for the bus as well rather than taking the train back to NYC as she had thought. She quickly hangs up on Blair and clamps her legs together to ward off the Humphrey sexiness. Dan, too, is sexually aroused — but he may have just been thinking about the next time he gets to lecture her.

Confused, Blair heads back inside and is furious when she finds Chuck has come thisclose to convincing JaMarcus that friends give friends handjobs in the States. With his tail between his legs, JaMarcus explains he and Chuck have made a squash date. Blair drags Chuck up and away from the table, while he claims he genuinely wants to be friends with JaMarcus. Correctly not believing a word of that, she kicks him out of the restaurant before swinging her ratty hair extensions (seriously, what’s up with that?) and returning to a contrite JaMarcus.

Elsewhere in the Hamptons, Nate tracks down his brainwashed mother, whom I still don’t think has a name other than CrazyEyes Archibald (okay Wikipedia says it’s Anne… I’m sticking with CrazyEyes). He reports he’s heading back to NYC a few days early, and she bugs out her eyes even more than normal and admits that the FBI has frozen their accounts and may take their house away now that Nate’s dad, Cappy McDouche, has skipped town. After some horrendous acting from Chase Crawford (“They’re taking our MONEY?! You asked GRANDPA?!”), he ignores an incoming call from Cougar Catherine, who leaves a VM to plan another sexy romp.

“Just because I hear voices, doesn’t mean I’m crazy! Yes it does! No it doesn’t! Stop it! You stop it!”

But wait — as Catherine finishes leaving her VM, she gets an incoming call — from JaMarcus! At first I thought she was banging two dudes that together added up to her own age, but actually she’s the Duchess (and presumably JaMarcus’s stepmom)! Well that certainly makes an interesting twist — Blair’s dating the stepson of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. They’re currently filming an episode at NYC Fashion Week — maybe they should drop by the Jerry Springer set as well.

On the Jitney back to NYC, Dan and Serena are doing their best to keep it in their pants as they get turned on by magazines, fruit, and passing cattle grazing in the pastures. After a while, Serena gets out of her seat and starts heading towards the back toilet, the expression on her face suggesting she’s about to have some explosive diarrhea (ED) from the box of chocolate-covered strawberries she just inhaled. However, a sudden bump in the road tosses her into Dan’s lap and he nearly orgasms spontaneously. Without any attempt at subtly, she grabs his hand and drags him to the bathroom with her, evidently to have some wild bus sex. Or wipe her brow when the poop sweats start from the ED.

Blair and JaMarcus are also on their way to the city, but in a limo instead of a bus. He tells Blair he has plans to have dinner with his stepmother (aka Catherine) tomorrow night, and makes it pretty clear that Blair is not invited to join them. She pauses for a moment before declaring that he’s then going to miss her big back-to-New York annual party, which she completely is making up as she goes along. I don’t see how an impromptu party is going to help her chances of meeting the Duchess, especially when he agrees to attend and decides he’ll just have to reschedule with the Duchess. Regardless, Blair is pleased as crumpets that her non-sensicle plan worked.

So Dorota the maid is literate in English AND owns a cell phone? That doesn’t seem very UES to me…

In another limo, Nate asks Chuck how he thinks he can compete with a British noble when all Chuck has is part ownership of a burlesque club (conveniently forgetting the many millions of dollars Chuck stands to inherit from his dad). Undaunted, Chuck informs Nate that no one’s that perfect (I would have said boring, but Nate sitting there in the flesh ruins that argument), and by becoming friends with JaMarcus, Chuck will learn his dark secret and use it against him. They banter for a few minutes before Chuck gets a mysterious phone call that he answers but quickly ends by telling the caller he’ll call back when he gets home — and away from Nate. Despite this being super shady, Nate’s pretty little head barely registers suspicion even when Chuck darts a few furtive glances in his direction. I wonder what that was… clearly it was about Nate, but was it about Catherine or the financial problems CrazyEyes mentioned?

All the way back in the ghetto, we join a newly-returned Rufus and… Vanessa! No, no, no, GROSS. For those of you who didn’t see the comments from last week’s recap, several of us have heard rumors the writers were considering pairing these two up. I’m afraid folks that this scene looks like confirmation. This gives me the heebie-jeebies. Anyway, it turns out that pathetic Vanessa has turned the storage space at Rufus’s gallery into another cafe for her to stand around in and be useless. Can’t we just turn this chick into another Gunther and have her stand behind the counter, shooting adoring looks at Dan and having a line only once or twice a season?

Nate arrives at his house in the city and finds the FBI going through his family’s crap. More bad acting ensues, and the FBI dude reminds Nate that all they really want is information on Cappy’s whereabouts. Nate denies knowing anything about that, and the FBI dude warns him that “after spending so much time in his mom’s closet” he thinks he knows CrazyEyes, and that she won’t do so well without money. That’s a really bizarre way of putting it, but the cross-dressing FBI dude’s right. I think if she lost everything, CrazyEyes’ eyes would literally pop out of her skull and she’d lose those too. After FBI dude leaves, Nate calls Catherine for a little pity sex.

“I also learned she’s got a pair of Prada slingbacks that make my feet look dainty and my calves delightful.”

Meanwhile, Chuck and JaMarcus have now met up for their BFF squash date. JaMarcus complains that the Duchess chases away all of his girlfriends for not being good enough, which of course prompts Chuck to start plotting on how to get her to meet Blair ASAP. As the game ends (with Chuck schooling JaMarcus’s fake British ass), JaMarcus innocently mentions Blair’s upcoming party that night (which would be the first Chuck’s heard of it), and Chuck gets his home number (so he can call the Duchess himself). All in all, a very successful manipulation, not like I expected less from that Basshole (Blair’s newest Chuck-inspired cuss).

Speaking of, Blair is back home with her maid, reviewing the preparations the poor woman’s been making since Blair’s text interrupted her Wii Fit workout and game of solitaire on her MacBook Air. They’re seriously paying this woman way too much. Blair is overall pleased with the results, but orders Dorota to find more impressive guests. With Blair’s friends, I recommend Dorota start with the local homeless shelter. Serena strolls in at this point, freshly showered from her sexual escapades and/or ED. In a move thats irony is not lost on Serena, Blair begs her to invite Dan so he can entertain JaMarcus with his knowledge of soccer and American tips on how to charm the ladies. Tip #1: Be a gigantic, superior hypocrite and watch girls 10 times out of your league beg for your forgiveness. But when Serena mentions this may be a good chance for her and Dan to talk things through, Blair jumps in to express her happiness that Dan and Serena are still splitsville. Serena shuts her trap, perhaps deciding it isn’t worth getting Blair all worked up again over nothing if things with Dan don’t work out. Or possibly because Blair is currently so self-absorbed she knows B wouldn’t bothering listening to her.

Nate has made his way over to Chuck’s by this point, and finds Chuck acting nervous and guilty in his hotel room. Amused, Nate wonders if Chuck’s got a girl in there, but Chuck admits it’s a guy as if that would change the core meaning of Nate’s suspicions. Chuck tells Nate he’s doing business with the guy — specifically, he’s liquidating his shares in the burlesque club. Okay, Chuck is definitely somehow getting involved with Nate’s finances. Awww. He passes it off to Nate as he’s trying to better himself for Blair by investing instead in more sophisticated endeavors, which Nate totally falls for before leaving without explaining why he’d stopped by. My only guess is Nate wanted to talk about his financial troubles, but got too embarrassed when he saw how Chuck is able to make huge financial decisions without blinking an eye. Or he’s too stupid he forgot on the way over. Yeah, probably that. And sure enough when Nate leaves, Chuck’s conversation with the business guy reveals the money’s going to CrazyEyes — who must have been the mysterious caller in the limo.

“Okay, back to business. As I was saying, as a top I charge $50, and for bottom $100.”

Serena’s returned home and is busy chatting on the phone with Dan about the bus escapades. She tells him that helped her realize something, and he says him too — and then he goes on to say that they do need to take time alone. Clearly, this is not what Serena was going to say, and she hides her disappointment by asking him to Blair’s party. He reluctantly agrees, saying they can start his new alone plan tomorrow after they have sex in every bathroom and possibly on every coffee table at the party.

Back in Brooklyn, Nate has meandered over to Vanessa’s newest coffee house of patheticnes to talk about the FBI and Cappy. He reveals he does know where Cappy is, but refuses to tell the feds. Boo, Cappy totally deserves to go to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. She teases him that she can give him pointers on how to live cheaply (step 1 — where the shirt she’s got on) when CrazyEyes calls. She’s hanging out with what looks to be Jacob Black’s canine alter-ego and friend, and informs Nate she’s been able to fix things, after getting a loan from a friend outside her social circle. When Nate gets mad, CrazyEyes admits that the mysterious benefactor offered to help without being asked, and then insisted when she refused. Nate’s two brain cells fire up, and he figures out Chuck now literally owns his ass. Annoyed, he gets rid of CrazyEyes and splits on Vanessa, telling her he’ll call her later tonight. She mopes but doesn’t try to stop him. Better start calling animal shelters and rounding up some cats to hang out with, V.

Across town, Chuck is lounging around when Catherine the Cougar Duchess arrives for what appears to be a pre-arranged meeting to discuss JaMarcus’s “well-being.” Looks like Chuck put that home phone number to good use. She snidely informs him that she usually doesn’t have meetings with children, so he better explain himself quickly. Oh Catherine, we all know you like children more than that…

“Charles, is it? So are we gonna fuck, or what?”

A little while later Blair’s party has started, and it’s proper and boring as hell. It’s a JaMarcus party, after all. Serena teases Blair about the weird guest list when Dorota the maid approaches, rocking some Nicole Ritchie-style gigantic designer sunglasses — and escorting Dan. Blair drags Dan over, gushing that he has to come “meet the Lord.” If JaMarcus is “the Lord” then I’m becoming an atheist, stat. The foursome stands around awkwardly, and after one of Serena’s jokes flies over JaMarcus’s head, Blair drags him away while inhaling her drink. Glad to see her old ways of dealing with Nate’s stupidity also work here.

Separately, Serena and Blair both notice at the same time that Chuck has arrived, despite not being invited by Blair. And he’s brought a guest — Catherine! B storms over to demand what he’s doing at her party, while Chuck looks amused and Serena begins to panic across the room as the recognizes the Cougar. Chuck tells Blair he thought she’d like to meet his friend and Blair snaps, “Why? So she can warn me of the effects of too much Botox?” Chuck bites back a grin, his plan working better than he’d imagined, while Catherine tosses her head and and introduces herself as the Duchess just as Serena rushes over to hear, too. This is more awkward than when the ED got the best of her when they hit that pothole outside the city and she crapped herself when Dan was up in her business.

Now we have to suffer through another Rufus/Vanessa scene, where he’s asking her if she’d want to run the gallery/coffeeshop on a more permanent basis while he goes on tour again. He just wants to make sure it doesn’t interfere with her home-schooling. Finally, an answer to the school question for Vanessa! But doesn’t she just live with her sister? Someone call DCFS and get Vanessa in foster care and off my screen. Anyway, this prompts a heart-to-heart about Rufus missing touring that I don’t give two shits about and we know isn’t going to happen anyway. Would Lily please come back and prevent Rufus from adding his name to the list of guys that kinda like Vanessa but only because the girl they actually want isn’t available?

“Sure, as long as you don’t mind I keep about 14 cats here.”

Back at Blair’s party, Serena makes Blair apologize to Catherine, telling the Duchess that “her work is flawless.” This earns her the proper eye roll, and Blair begins listing off the horrible things she knows Chuck must have told Catherine before assuring Catherine there’s an explanation. But the thing is, Chuck actually didn’t get the chance to tell Catherine any of this — Catherine told him not to bother since there’s no way JaMarcus will end up with a lowly Waldorf regardless of whether Blair acts like Mother Theresa or Amy Winehouse. In that case, opt for Winehouse. Much more entertaining. And isn’t Catherine herself a “commoner” who married a man way too old for her for his title and wealth? Shut your mouth, ho.

As Blair’s recovering from the shock of that, it’s time to add another log on the fire as Nate finally arrives and blithely begins approaching. Serena is the first to scent danger and scampers over to him, calling his name. This only helps to draw Catherine’s attention, who incredulously says “Nate?!” right before he responds “Catherine?!” Confused, Blair asks if they know each other, and Serena hurriedly explains they do, but from book club! Okay, practicing moves from the Karma Sutra does not a book club make. Nate looks surprised by Serena’s lie, and Blair is suspicious because she knows Nate can’t read. Compounding the awkwardness, S then explains that B is dating Catherine’s stepson and Nate and Blair are exes. How that’s supposed to help, I have no idea.

The group scatters, and Blair whines to Serena in private that the party’s a disaster and she just wanted JaMarcus to like her. Instead, she wound up with a bizarre homage to Kentwood, Louisiana and Britney Spears. Serena gently scolds Blair to stop playing games and show JaMarcus and the Duchess the real Blair rather than this transparent twit she’s been all episode. Meanwhile, Nate tracks down Chuck to complain about Chuck helping out his family and keeping CrazyEyes from having a complete nervous breakdown. How dare he! Chuck reveals CrazyEyes called him to ask if he thought Nate was okay, and when Chuck asked her what the hell she was talking about, she explained everything. Unmoved, Nate snaps that he will handle it “and think of something” rather than take Chuck’s money. I understand pride, but stop being such a jackass, Nate, unless you want to see CrazyEyes plant her gardening shears in her neck.

“Chase — we’re castmates and real life roommates. Let me sign you up for some acting lessons.”

Serena goes and finds Dan, who’s about to leave to pick up Jenny at the train station. Serena coyly suggests leaving with him, an practically jumps on top of him, suggesting they abandon their “thinking” idea and just hump all day long. This involves Dan not talking, so sign me up. As Dan’s deciding what to do, and Serena’s jamming her tongue in his ear, Nate approaches and amazedly asks if Dan and Serena are back together. They kinda deny it and get in the elevator, asking Nate if he’s coming with. But at that moment Nate gets a text from Catherine, asking him to meet her in the library, so he declines. Relieved they won’t have to embark upon the weirdest threesome ever, Dan and Serena wave goodbye and resume their humping.

In the library, Nate finds Catherine and complains about how messed up the Nate-Catherine-Blair-JaMarcus trapezoid is, surprisingly delivering my second favorite line of the episode — “When the best version of the situation is that I’m going to become Blair’s father-in-law, I just think it’s time to move on, Catherine.” LOL. If that’s the best version, what the hell’s the worst? She brushes that off and asks him to tell her what’s going on, because her Cougar instincts tell her that something else is wrong. He fills her in on the financial troubles, and Catherine recognizes that CrazyEyes will completely lose her mind if she loses her home and belongings. So she offers to loan Nate the money herself — if he’s willing be her underage gigolo and continue banging her all over NYC. Win-win!

Meanwhile, Blair’s trying to track down Catherine to show her “her true self” as Serena suggested, and heads for the library after hearing that’s where Catherine was last seen. The music changes to something that sounds oddly like monkey sex, so I think it’s pretty clear as to what’s about to happen. Blair enters the library, sees nothing, and is about to leave when she hears moaning. Looking around the corner, she spies Nate and Catherine, mid-coitus, on the floor. Oh my effing God, indeed, B. They pull themselves together, with Nate telling Blair he owes her no explanation and her saying she definitely doesn’t need one. Aww, come on, make him try. He tries to lead Catherine out the room, but Blair requests she stay for a nice little chat. Looks like Catherine will get to see Blair’s “true self” after all.

“Would you believe us if we said ‘bookclub’?”

Once Nate leaves, Blair wastes no time sweetly blackmailing Catherine into accepting her as the true title-chasing little whore for JaMarcus — unless Catherine wants to everyone to know she likes them young and stupid. Before Catherine can give her decision, JaMarcus joins them, not noticing the scent of Cougar cooch, and tries to protect Blair from Catherine. Prompted by Blair’s pointed look, Catherine quickly assures JaMarcus that there’s no need to protect Blair, for Catherine loooooves Blair. Catherine kinda looks like she’s going to throw up during this exchange, but JaMarcus of course never notices.

Well we almost made it through a complete episode without dealing with Jenny’s stupid ass, but here she is at the end to torture us. Dan’s finishing humping Serena in the elevator and has fetched his sister from the train station and brought her back to their Brooklyn loft where Rufus is waiting. The three of them do what’s supposed to be cute (read: super annoying) banter over dinner and we learn that somewhere in the previous 24 hours Dan has had time to finish his short story now that he’s getting laid again, and has decided to turn it into a novel. Fascinating. Also, Rufus, after moping around the apartment earlier and looking at various belongings of Dan and Jenny’s, as well as old pictures, has decided he will not go on tour because he loves his family sooooo much. At least someone does. Knew he wasn’t leaving.

Later that night, Blair and Serena appear to be having a sleepover when they enter the kitchen and stumble into Chuck. Blair asks for alone time with him as well, and then gloats over how she turned around the Catherine Duchess situation to benefit rather than destroy her. Chuck’s surprised, and Blair elaborates that she thinks Catherine recognized herself Blair… or more accurately, Blair recognized someone in Catherine. It took me a second, but when the double meaning of that line hit me, I nearly fell off my couch laughing. Favorite line of the night. He’s understandably confused and she tells him that all he needs to know is he lost. Disappointed yet impressed by her success, he merely says tomorrow is another day before they exchange a lingering look and she heads off to bed.

Sitting in a limo, Nate gives Vanessa a call, finally remembering he was supposed to have plans with her tonight before all the library Cougar sex went down. She tells him not to worry about it, as we see she’s prepared a romantic evening complete with tacky twinkle lights and takeout Chinese. It’s very Vanessa of her. Nate doesn’t look much happier as Catherine slides into the car with him and hands him a fat envelope for sex well rendered.

“Again?! Lady, I’m kinda tired…”

That’s it for episode two! So what did you think? I thought this epiosde was just okay. There was waaaay too much Nate in this one, and all his “serious” storylines really show how weak of an actor is he compared to the other teens. He’s just not believable to me. As I mentioned before, I’m really not liking the side of Blair her relationship with JaMarcus is bringing out. And the beginnings of the Rufus-Vanessa coupling are extremely disturbing. However, Chuck was great as always and there were a couple of classic GG moments…. not to mention that the worst episode of Gossip Girl is better than the best episodes of a lot of other shows. Next week’s blackout episode is supposed to be awesome, with lots of Chuck & Blair, as well as a decision on the possible Dan & Serena reunion. See you then!