Gossip Girl: Go Shorty, It’s Your Birthday…

This week on Gossip Girl, Mrs. Humps returns, Nate grows some balls, and Blair’s birthday party turns into a swingers party as some of the core couples get shaken up. Find out who’s diddling whom after the jump!

Picture: crying
Caption: I slept with Upchuck! Who knows what diseases I have!We open in a Catholic church, and WASPy Blair’s in the confessional – wearing a spotted veil, natch. She confesses in a very Bree Van de Kamp way that she got drunk and lost her virginity to Upchuck – fangirl squeal – but luckily Upchuck’s such a pig he won’t even think twice about it or repeat it to anyone. She thanks God for that part, and then apologizes for that and admits she’s not even Catholic. The priest is all like, no shit girl, and tells her not drink and “keep her clothes on.” I’m not very religious, but this priest kicks ass. There’s also a pretty awesome Da Vinci Code reference in there. As she’s leaving she asks the priest if he grants birthday wishes (her bday’s tomorrow), and he dryly replies that he’s a priest, not a genie. Undaunted, she asks for the man upstairs to return Nate back to her clutches. Worst birthday present ever, but whatevs.

Picture: priest
Caption: What a whore

Across town, Serena and Dan are pretty much having sex in a coffee shop. I said it last week and I’ll say it again – gross, get a goddamned room people! Vanessa is coincidentally their waitress, and Dan notices her and comes up for air exclaiming V’s name. Serena chastises him that her name is Serena, and doesn’t seem too angry about the slip, suggesting this is not the first nor the last time the guy she’s dry humping has confused her for someone else. A few minutes of awkward conversation later, Vanessa turns tail and scampers away, adjusting her funky-bohemian-I’m-from-Brooklyn-and-poor-dammit costume on the way. The woman’s a walking cartoon. Somebody shove a firecracker in her mouth and be done with her.

Blair strolls out of the church just as Upchuck’s limo comes sidling by. He asks her to breakfast, and taunts her about how Nate won’t be around to sing Happy Birthday this year. Blair angrily insists that no one knows they broke up, and she intends to get back together with Nate before anyone finds out. Upchuck then makes a few lewd comments about the sex, and Blair snaps that it should never be mentioned again, and he’s uninvited to her party. Blair, we’ve already seen that Upchuck doesn’t take no for an answer too often, so it’s safe to assume he’s still coming.

In the ghetto, Rufus is drinking his morning coffee when Jenny strolls in, her mother in tow. Mrs. Humps is another blonde whose plastic surgery makes it difficult to determine her age, cut from the same cloth as Lily and Nate’s mom. Mrs. Humps makes herself right at home and starts cooking breakfast, while Rufus tosses a few passive-aggressive comments her way and Jenny stands there awkwardly. Scintillating stuff, guys. Dan then arrives home and finds the three of them eating. Dan doesn’t waste any time pointing out how weird the situation is, and the four squabble about Mrs. Hump’s presence and the big red A on her chest. Dan then storms off.

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Caption: The first and only time we’ll see a mother cooking on this show

After having gone to a jewelry store and putting some pieces on hold, Blair arrives home and Eleanor shoves the morning paper in her face. She doesn’t understand today’s Family Circus and wants an explanation, dammit! Oh, and also, the paper has Cappy McDouche’s arrest for fraud and embezzlement all over the front page. Eleanor’s freaking out about her business relationship with Cappy while Blair gazes at the picture of the Archibalds and moans about poor wittle Natey-poo. Aggh, Blair, wake up! Nate slept with and still loves your best friend, told you to your face that he doesn’t love you, and his dad’s a coke-snorting white-collar criminal! I’m totally a Blair fan, but the bitch is starting to get on my nerves with this Nate shit.

Meanwhile, Cappy, Nate, and Nate’s mom (who is so boring that I don’t know her name, nor can I be bothered to give her one) are meeting with an attorney. The lawyer’s all like, “you’re screwed, Cappy” but Cappy remains in denial, claiming that he’s just been set up and this will all blow over. Disgusted, Nate steps forward and asks the attorney if a plea bargain would be helpful, but an indignant Cappy says a Dartmouth man never pleads for anything. Nate’s mom predictably pokes her head out of Cappy’s ass for two seconds to scold Nate that this is a conversation for adults and their botoxed doormats, not children. I hope these two flee the country in a panic and die, I really do.

Serena and Blair are hanging out, and Serena asks how Nate’s doing, given that his father is a total douchebag. Blair lies and says she spoke to Nate earlier, and he’s just swell. She then adds that she told Nate not to worry about coming to her party given his family situation, effectively covering her ass if he doesn’t show because of the break-up. For someone who claims she hates secrets and lies, Blair’s quite the old pro. I see law school in her future.

Picture: Pants
Caption: Serena is very brave to wear those pants

Nate’s listening to music when his mom approaches him and suggests that Nate give Blair something extra-special for her birthday. Horrified, Nate insists he doesn’t need the sex talk, but she merely pulls off her tacky heirloom diamond ring and hands it to him. Nate points out that it’s ugly – and an engagement ring – and says he doesn’t want to give it to Blair. His mother, who has clearly has just come from her latest brain-washing session, tells him to give it to Blair so she knows how much Nate values her loyalty – or her mother’s, whatevs. Nate calls bullshit on that, and admits they broke up. Mom channels Cappy and insists they get back together, blames Nate for the entire embezzlement/fraud fiasco, and insists that the only way for him to fix it is to secure the Waldorf, and therefore her family’s loyalty. Nate merely glares at her, silently. Add psychotic mother-in-law to the list of reasons not to marry Nate, Blair.

Sure enough, Nate calls to ask Blair to get back together. Blair stifles a squeal of excitement, then plays it cool, acting as if she’s not sure if she really wants to get back together. She graciously “gives in” after a few minutes, and Nate mentions that he has a special gift to give her – the ring. Once off the phone, Blair calls the jewelry store and finds out that someone purchased the diamond necklace she had put on hold. Since we know Nate has the ring, I’m thinking a certain Mr. Bass is the holder of the necklace. The younger one. I think. You never know with this show.

Picture: pain
Caption: Crap! I am so sore today!

Back at the ghetto, Mrs. Humps tries to approach Dan. He gives her shit about her whoring ways, and how she’s lied about walking out on them. She gurgles on her own spit, and both Dan and Jenny run out of the house, leaving the two lovebirds to talk and/or kill each other. Option B! Option B!

Nate heads over to visit his best friend in the whole world, Upchuck. Fearing the worst, Upchuck reluctantly opens the door and hides a small bag that I suspect contains a certain diamond necklace. Nate starts bitching about his loopy mom and Blair and the diamond ring, and Upchuck’s all like, wtf you guys broke up? Puzzled, Nate asks how Upchuck knew that little detail, and Upchuck quells his panic and claims Blair came to him for advice. Upchuck slyly urges Nate to resist his parents and stay broken up with Blair, and insists he’s just looking out for Nate’s best interests when Nate points out this advice is totally out of character. I would feel bad for Nate, but seeing as though he slept with Blair’s best friend all I can say is karma is a bitch.

Blair’s party starts, and Nate and Dan are nowhere in sight. The minions are there, however, dressed as if Fleet Week has come early this year. As Blair and Serena (who looks almost as stupid as the minions in an oversized bland t-shirt with lace/beading at the bottom) keep an eye out for their men, Upchuck strolls in alone and Blair takes off like a frightened rabbit, with Upchuck close on her Prada heels.

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Caption: I choose my outfits to match my personality.

Upchuck catches up with Blair and continues his plot to ensure she stays single by telling her to her face that her relationship with Nate is over. She calls him a jealous boyfriend, and finally realizes that he actually likes her. She calls him out on it, ordering him to murder any butterflies in his stomach, and he says the amount of liquor and pot he consumes on a daily basis should have killed any living thing in his system a long time ago. But he’ll work on it.

As he continues to follow her around the party, she fretfully checks her phone and says that she still hasn’t heard from Nate and it’s almost midnight. He always calls her before midnight the night before her birthday. How… pointless, because then he’s not actually calling her on her birthday. Upchuck points out the coincidence of Nate coming crawling back to Blair after Eleanor tried to call off the business relationship, and insists that Nate’s just using her as Blair vehemently denies it. Upchuck then suggests a wager – if Nate calls before midnight, Upchuck’ll leave her alone forever. If Nate doesn’t call, Blair spends the night with Upchuck instead. Blair agrees to the bet, and as she walks away Gossip Girl warns us that Blair may loose her shirt – and her pants – in this bet. Oh GG, you’re so damn annoying but occasionally you make me laugh really hard.

Back in Brooklyn, Dan is strolling around with Vanessa when he receives a text from Serena on his girly pink phone. For Ms. Popularity, Serena is awfully needy and codependent without Dan or Blair to lean on. This prompts an awkward conversation about why Vanessa and Serena don’t like each other, and ends with Vanessa insisting she go along to Blair’s party. When they arrive, it’s as uncomfortable as could be expected, with Serena very unhappy to see the ex-girlfriend tagging along.

Serena pulls Dan aside to comment on the supreme awkwardness of the situation, but before she can get more than a few words out, Vanessa pops up again like an untimely herpes outbreak. Serena challenges Vanessa to a match of Guitar Hero, and we’re treated to a long product placement while Serena jams out – making very unfortunate faces I might add. It’s probably the stupidest scene in this entire series so far (which is saying something), and all I can wonder is how much the manufacturer of that game paid for this advertising, and where the hell we’re supposed to believe Serena learned to be a Guitar Hero expert.

Picture: guitar
Caption: I fucking love Guitar Hero!

After Serena finishes and flashes some poser rock star hand gestures, Vanessa makes a comment about Dan’s bad day and his mommy coming back to town. Serena, not knowing any of that, looks hurt and stalks off. Dan catches up and apologizes while Serena berates him for telling things to Vanessa before her. Serena should be his best friend, and get first dibs on all his private information that’s really none of her business! But they make up yet again. Another episodic crisis averted for Dan and Serena! Yawn.

Meanwhile, Nate’s standing outside the party, stressing out about the ring (man, I wish it was because he was going to die in 7 days), when Jenny arrives. Which doesn’t make much sense since Blair pretty much told her to drop dead last week, and Jenny doesn’t have a costume to hide behind this time. She claims that she wants to give Blair an apology/birthday card, but if I were Jenny I wouldn’t go near Blair when I’m on her shitlist. Jenny apologizes to Nate for spilling the beans about the whole “Serena” confusion at the masked ball. He accepts the apology, and since neither one of them is in a hurry to enter the party, he invites her to take a stroll with him. Jenny agrees, showing that she has learned nothing about going off alone in the dark with older boys she barely knows.

Nate and Jenny decide to hang out on some steps outside, because who doesn’t love sitting outside at night in a short dress in NYC in November? I do that here in Chicago all the time. Well, after about 6 Jagerbombs, to be more specific. And by sitting I mean sprawled on my ass. I’m graceful and shit. Jenny brings up the trouble in Nate’s family, and then contrasts it to the trouble in her own home, as they both sit there being boring and feeling sorry for themselves. Nate pulls out the box and shows Jenny the diamond ring, and then admits that he and Blair broke up. Nate’s being pretty chatty with Jenny… maybe his mistake at the masked ball was merely a foreshadowing of yet another new coupling? Anything’s better than him and Blair being on-again, off-again.

Back at the party, Upchuck has tracked Blair down once again, and he quietly announces that it’s past midnight and since Nate never called, Upchuck wins their bet. Blair knocks back a shot and says he can forget about collecting, and Upchuck merely asks her to turn around. Blair glares and snaps out that he gets grosser by the second, and I totally crack up. But instead he points to Serena, who’s coming forward with a birthday cake. Blair however pushes through the crowd that forms and runs off, saying her wish already didn’t come true. That’s because God hates you, Blair. He’s too busy helping people win reality shows than grant your stupid little wish.

Picture: minions
Caption: Ahoy mateys! Do you know where we can find any seamen?

Outside, Nate and Jenny have arrived back at the party but Jenny decides that she’s not going to go in after all. They hug, but as they do some random chick pops up behind them and takes a picture on her camera phone. Umm, creepy much? Gossip Girl quickly sends the picture to everyone, IDing Jenny merely as a mystery girl. Seriously how fucking hard is it for these people to figure out who Jenny is, she’s not Catwoman or something. After getting the message, a stunned Blair walks up to Serena, Upchuck, and the minions (who reassure Blair that the slut in the picture will give Nate the herpes he richly deserves), and tearfully declares that Nate’s not cheating on her since she already had dumped his ass the night before. She then runs off, refusing Serena’s attempts to comfort her, while Upchuck looks on. Vulnerable, drunk Blair puts out, so it’s time for our boy to make his move.

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Caption: That’s some awesome hair you’re rocking

Back at the Archibald’s, Nate arrives home and his parents begin questioning him on how things went with Blair. He admits that he didn’t go the party, and his parents both smile fakely and insist that he can give Blair the ring tomorrow. Nate finally finds his testicles somewhere near his jugular, and throws the ring box on the table and announces that he’s not giving the ring to Blair and that it’s over. He also tells Cappy that he better hope Nate isn’t called to the witness stand. Cappy in prison? Sweet!

While all this party drama has been going on, Rufus and Mrs. Humps hashed it out, and finally decided to reconcile and make out while the cheesy music swelled. Jenny gets home and finds her mom sprawled in Rufus’s lap, surrounded by candles, in the living room. Jenny smiles happily and retreats to her room. Ah, yes, seeing your parents in post-coital bliss is always enjoyable. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Vanessa approaches Serena and asks if Blair’s okay. They chat for a bit, and Vanessa says she’s just protective of Dan, and Serena admits she’s just protective of her relationship with Dan. They giggle over Guitar Hero bullshit, and rave about how GH3 only costs $49.99 and comes with a standard guitar, and is available now at your local store for the PS3 and Xbox 360! Wow! Or they might as well have, given how subtly this product placement was handled. Dan approaches, pleased to see them bonding, and Serena announces that she’s going to stay a little longer at the party to check on Blair.

Blair’s lying on a bed in a back room when Upchuck enters. She tells him to get lost, but he ignores that and sits down next to her and presents her with the diamond necklace. She weakly protests that she can’t, but Upchuck and all of us know Blair can be bought, so he puts the necklace around her. I’m sad to say this necklace is just as ugly as Nate’s ring. Maybe even more so. As she admires her reflection, he kisses her shoulder and she cuddles towards him…

Serena approaches the door to check on Blair, and sees Blair and Upchuck hardcore making out. Looks like it’s Upchuck – not Nate – who has landed the Waldorf yet again. So much for that don’t get drunk and naked penance. Serena quickly closes the door before they notice her, and leans against it in shock. At least she didn’t have a camera phone.

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Caption: Flight attendants, please prepare for arrival. The Waldorf is coming in…

We’re back to another rerun next week guys – with the writer’s strike going strong, the CW’s gotta stretch out the episodes they have for as long as they can. But the previews show that Blair may be getting a tad defensive about her choices – and lashing out at Serena once again. Blair pissed at someone is my favorite kind of Blair, so I for one can’t wait!

So what do you guys think – are Nate and Jenny going to become a couple? How long will Mrs. Humps stick around before she sleeps with someone else? And what the hell is the point of Vanessa?