Gossip Girl: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter

This week on Gossip Girl ,everyone starts talking about butter, someone turns out not to be an angel, and Jesus makes an appearance.Nate and Blair take a stroll through the Village, a new and mysterious land for her. Nate is going to teach her the ways of the world since she’ll be at NYU. She must even learn how to ride…the subway. Not the subway, she pleads. God no. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. First she is forced to attend a non-Ivy League school and now she must ride non-Ivy League public transportation? Is there no end to this madness????

Rufus and the kids are shopping around antique stores for no good reason. He has high hopes that the art gallery is gonna sell quickly even though the real estate market is shit. Jenny and Dan see him eyeing a gawdy vintage diamond ring. An engagement ring, perhaps? A used ring is all poor Ruf will be able to afford if he ever does decide to pop the question. More likely Lily will have to buy the ring for herself.

Blair and Serena talk boys while B wears a new and improved version of the Seinfeld puffy shirt. It comes up in convo that perfect Gabriel has been disappearing lately for work-related reasons. Blair suggests they follow him because something isn’t right. Naïve Serena actually buys into the work crap he’s giving her. Wake up, Serena. He’s obviously still sleeping with Poppy.

Nate and Chuck have a friendly game of basketball at a public b-ball court. What, the raquet ball courts at the country club were occupied? Nate is wearing normal basketball-playing attire while Chuck is wearing an ascot and velour sweat suit, looking ever so lovely, just like Elvis during the puffy years.

Nate hates talking about Blair with Chuck, but C convinces him he’s out of that game. Right. Trust the guy who’s perpetually up to no good. And why does Chuck always look like he’s just sucked a lemon?

Gabriel is already meeting Serena’s parents. Is she even 18 yet? How old is this guy? He looks like such a douche bag. I can’t tell if he’s a Sweet Valley High clone or a robot or a mannequin from Nordstrom’s.

Lily needs to get ready for the co-op meeting and they invite Gabriel. Also, Rufus is wearing flannel which begs the question: Is flannel back??? According to my friend who teaches high school English, the answer is yes. The teen girls say plaid is “hot.” Hot? Don’t you remember the July 1994 edition of Seventeen magazine? Yes, I still own a copy.

Anyway, the fam asks Gabriel to stay and watch a movie, but shady Gabe can’t stay. Sorry, gotta go bang your friend. I mean I have work to do. Catch you later. Tootles!

Blair lingers outside the building in her spy outfit and runs into Chuck. He knows she’s spying and asks for more info. Then he says spying means there’s not enough thrill in her own relationship. Thanks Dr. Phil. She’s trying to catch Gabriel doing something bad. And sure enough, he comes out of the building to a car where Poppy is waiting. They kiss and embrace. Blair snaps a picture on her phone.

Serena is still not convinced, even with the picture. She’s gonna get to the bottom of this herself. There must be some rational explanation for Gabriel leaving her place for his so-called work and then getting in a car with Poppy and making sweet love till the sun rises. Totally rational. After she gets off the phone with Serena, Gabriel shows up and says he has to tell her something…

Blair talks about her spying adventures to Nate (plaid alert) and when she mentions she saw Chuck, he freaks out a little bit, but just on the inside. Foreshadowing!

…Serena does not look happy. Gabriel told her about Poppy.

Serena: Did you sleep with her?

Gabriel: No, no way. But all the investors in my company are her friends, so you and I have to pretend to not be together so she doesn’t pull the investors away. That’s cool, right?

Serena: Not really.

Gabriel: Come on, one week and I’ll tell her the truth. Oh, and I only have eyes for you and you’re exquisite and other cliché romantic crap.

Serena: Okay, one week.

Vanessa and Dan are kicking it at the loft. Dan’s trying to figure out why she wasn’t in the last episode, but before she can answer, Jenny walks in wearing plaid and they all start talking about that damn ring Rufus was looking at the day before. Get over it! It’s called window shopping! Rufus storms in and he’s having an angry conversation on the phone. Then they assume it won’t be happening soon. Kids, you know what happens when you assume. You looks like assholes.

Blair watches Serena try on clothes, trying her hardest to convince her that Gabriel is bad news. Serena will have nothing of it. He told her he fell in love with her the first time he saw her. In the words of my English teacher friend, “So did Romeo and Juliet and look how that worked out.”

Blair: The first time he saw you he was with his girlfriend. Real loyal.

Serena: Actually, the first time he saw me was a year ago with Georgina when I had a fake southern accent and she put roofies in my drink and I blacked out.

Blair: Hey, I have an idea! Let’s all talk about “that night” for the rest of this episode. And I mean all of us. Now go try on that dress skirt thing that looks like it came from the wardrobe of 90210 the original series. And did you like my joke about Gabriel having Poppy’s cake and eating yours too? I’m funny.

Vanessa brings Rufus some coffee and he pours his heart out to her about the sucky real estate market and his old touring days and his family trouble. I wasn’t totally paying attention because it made me uncomfortable that he was sharing his feelings with a high school kid…alone…over coffee. And I can’t figure out Vanessa’s face in this scene. Is she concerned? Worried? Does she have gas?

Nate takes Chuck to his new apartment. It’s gorgeous, of course, with a perfect view. He plans on living there with Blair where he can monitor her comings and goings. And Chuck MUST back off. Capiche? Oh but wait, who’s calling Chuck on the phone? Blair’s calling to ask Chuck to join her on one last spy mission. Nate makes his sad face again.

Back at the highly anticipated co-op meeting, Blair is up to her spy tricks. She pretends to be giving Gabriel a tour of Serena’s bedroom. As the three of them chit chat, Chuck enters with Poppy and the shit hit’s the proverbial fan. Or is it the shit that’s proverbial? In any case, there’s drama. Poppy gives Gabriel an ultimatum: leave with her or she’ll take away all his investors. He chooses Serena because she “swept him away.” Hello! That’s liar talk if I ever heard it.

Vanessa boozes it up with Dan at his apartment. She invites him to a friendly game of “I never” and proceeds to confess she slept with Chuck Bass. He thinks it’s gross, but passes no judgment. Then she confesses to sleeping with Chuck a second time and Dan appropriately throws up in his mouth a little. That was my reaction.

Rufus and Jenny wander aimlessly in the city and yes, she’s still wearing plaid. It’s quite possibly the same shirt Nate wore earlier. She brings up that damn ring again that Rufus glanced at once. He says now is not a good time because things are complicated.

Jenny: Just fix it. You can do whatever you put your mind to! That’s what you always told me. Why doesn’t that advice apply to you?

Rufus: Good point.

But what he meant to say was, “You’re 16! What do you know about life? Parents feed kids bullshit lines all the time so they’ll do their homework. One day you’ll grow up and realize most of that positive baloney we tell you isn’t true at all. You can’t do everything you put your mind to. I want to ride a unicorn, but I doubt that’s gonna happen anytime soon!”

Back at the co-op party, Gabriel is his normal douchey self around Serena, acting like he really doesn’t care about his business going down the drain. She convinces him to hit up all the rich people at the party. Meanwhile, Chuck lurks around like a teen vampire. After Serena runs off, he questions Gabriel about the night they met–that infamous night with Georgina.

Nate surprises Blair by showing up at the party and bringing the keys to their new one-bedroom apartment. She’s thrilled, but Chuck interrupts with disturbing news about Gabriel. He claims that the night he met Serena, they were at Butter. After much confusion I realized this was the name of a club. Blair has to choose between going to the new apartment or staying and finishing the mission. Then the narrator launches into her monologue which is filled with so much alliteration that I want to stab my ear drums.

Goober Gabe convinces Lily to invest in his goober company. Blair and Chuck confront Serena yet again to tell her that Gabriel is a liar!

Blair: He told Chuck he met you at Butter. But he couldn’t have met you at Butter because Butter was closed because Butter Butter Butter Butter!

Serena: Butter? You’re lame. You make poor choices all the time. Now it’s my turn.

Chuck: We’ve got to talk to Georgina.

Drunk Vanessa and Dan are lying on the floor in that way that people only do in movies or in television. I have never seen this in real life. Why wouldn’t you just lie next to each other? If you have ever posed this way before, I’d love to know. Vanessa spilled the beans that Rufus has no money for Dan to go to Yale.

Gabriel continues to find new investors at the party including Rufus. He doesn’t really want Rufus’ poor man money, but Rufus insists. Blair tries to get Nate to join her and Chuck on their Super Secret Spy mission to find the truth from Georgina, but he declines. Blair and Nate go alone. They have to stay overnight in a limo and wake up holding hands, which is just weird. After all that, Chuck decides it’s best if he goes alone to visit Georgina. Before he leaves Blair alone in the limo, he fills her head with lies about Nate. Ps. I can never figure out what day of the week it is on this show. I swear these kids never go to school.

Turns out Georgina is at a Jesus camp. She hugs Chuck and asks if he’s been saved. He looks terrified. Finally this episode starts getting good!

Serena and Gabriel wake up in his bed, which also happens to be the setting for a Nora Roberts novel. Red satin sheets? Seriously, Gabriel? Your douchebag-o-meter is rising. Serena brings up Butter (take a shot each time someone says butter and you will be hammered by the time the show is over). He tries to pretend like Serena is the only thing he remembered that night, but she knows something’s up.

Georgina is a full-blown Jesus freak, already completely fluent in Christianese. Chuck finally asks if she knows Gabriel. He says he met her at Butter. She has no memory of the guy. Plus they never went to Butter.

Poppy shows up at Gabriel’s apartment (after Serena is gone) and we learn officially that they are working as a team to make money. Serena is already on to Gabriel though. She calls Chuck at Jesus camp to get his input. He’s about to go back to the city, but he’s stranded. Blair took the limo. Chuck Bass is stranded at Jesus camp. If the next scene is Chuck playing guitar and singing “Jesus, Lover of My Soul,” my life will be complete.

Sadly, the next scene is Gabriel and Poppy talking money again. They think they’ve got it all figured out until Serena calls to say she’s coming back up and needs to talk. Gabriel is pissed because Poppy misinformed him about Butter. After all that, good ol’ Rufus stops by to deliver his investment check. Poor sap.

Back in paradise, Blair shows up to her and Nate’s new apartment. She thinks he got the apartment because he doesn’t trust her. He’s like, “Yeah, pretty much.”

Serena discovers Gabriel is gone. He took all his stuff and left. Poppy’s like, “What? I gave him half a million dollars!” Then the girls both stare at each other forever with their mouths partially open. This means something bad happened.

Then Rufus, Dan and Jenny sit on Dans’ bed and have one of those 1950′s sitcom holly jolly happy family moments, except Jenny’s makeup makes her look like a prostitute. The kids pooled their money to buy the stupid engagement ring for Rufus to give to Lily. And apparently Yale is back in the picture. Everything is hunky dory in the Humphrey household (see, I can use alliteration, too).

Georgina decides to join Chuck and go back to the city for the day after she learns Blair is involved in this situation. They hop in a taxi and drive off into the sunset while badass music plays in the background. Watch your back peeps, Georgina’s back in town, and she’s coming in the name of Jesus.

Xoxo

Natalie D.