Gossip Girl: Nothing Says Friendship Like a Roofie in the Drink

This week on Gossip Girl, two new romances bloom – neither of which I could care less about – and we get an hour-long set up for next week’s episode.

Oh, Michelle T. Is that really the “Ice Princess” way of doing things?

Gossip Girl tells us that this week’s going to be all about the SATs, as we see our core cast frantically studying and hating their lives. While Dan struggles alone in the ghetto, Blair’s trusty maid runs through flashcards while Blair tries to guess the word like a contestant on the $20,000 Pyramid. Meanwhile, Serena’s downing coffee trying to stay awake – this may be a good time to snort that coke Georgina sent you, love – while the minions race against their own stupidity in a timed practice test. Chuck, as usual, is bucking convention by paying off some kid to take the test for him with cold hard cash and a fake school ID – made all the more entertaining by the garish red-orange trench coat he’s sporting.

Rufus interrupts Dan’s private panic attack to announce that the allotted time for his practice test is over – even though Dan has only finished half the exam. Half, really? My friends and I certainly didn’t get 1600s on our SATs (yeah, that’s what it was out of when I took it, you young’uns), but I don’t know anyone who had serious problems finishing it. What an idiot. As Dan whines about his history of choking – including the time he struck out at tee-ball and last week when Serena told him he could put it anywhere – Rufus tries to encourage his son and catch Jenny as she attempts to duck out the door to go to school. Seems like daddy still doesn’t trust Little J after her pawning-stealing-shoplifting-sneaking out extravaganza last week. Go figure. Jenny successfully avoids Rufus’s attempts to walk her to school (from Brooklyn??), but has to promise she’ll engage in some daddy-daughter bonding time later that night. Hey Jenny – you may want to rethink whether that vague memory of someone drilling a computer chip into your molar was really a dream or not.

At school, Blair’s complaining to Serena about only scoring in the 98th percentile in her practice tests. Only Blair could turn scoring better than 98% of all test takers into something terrible. Turns out she’s not the only Constance girl with her heart set on Princeton – class brainiac Nelly Yuki has the balls to want to go there too, and Blair ain’t having it. Serena tells her to calm the fuck down, and Blair takes off, glaring at Chuck as she passes him. Chuck plops down next to Serena and reveals that they’ve worried over nothing – Georgina’s in Switzerland. Serena’s very relieved, but still not enough to test out the strength of those handcuffs with him.

Well, Sis, looks like our coordinating gloves-trench idea worked. What do you think about scarf-tie for tomorrow?

Meanwhile, Jenny’s busy convincing her stupid, vapid friends that there’s nothing wrong with working at Hooters once they all inevitably bomb their SATs. She offers that they all come hang at her place tonight – since that went over so well last time – and use Dan’s study materials. God, Jenny sucks. Blair interrupts with a better offer – private tutors and a private spa at her place! The minions of course take Blair up on the offer, and Blair sweetly uses Jenny’s freshman status as a reason not to invite her. Gossip Girl snarks to us that age really does come before beauty — but in whose book is Jenny more attractive than Blair? Jenny’s looked a lot cuter these past two episodes with the shorter hair, but her gangly ass will never having anything on the Queen B.

Dan arrives at school and has a nervous breakdown all over Nate, who’s nonchalantly playing with a soccer ball. He may be in rehab, but Cappy McDouche will still get his boy into Dartmouth if he dies trying! Nate turns over the Humphrey mess to Serena – who’s carrying one of the ugliest Burberry bags they’ve offered in years – and she makes out with him for a few moments before he runs away to wet his pants in private. But Serena isn’t left alone for long – as up walks Georgina, clearly not in Switzerland (and thankfully not Mischa Barton). As Serena tries to hide her dismay, Georgina pouts over the cold greeting and manipulates a very reluctant Serena into meeting her for drinks later.

A few blocks away, Jenny’s buying a hot dog we all know she’d never actually eat. Elise, the freshman lackey du jour, meets up with her, and Jenny reveals that she’s on the prowl for a man. And what better place to look than at a stand of processed meat? As Jenny’s running through her must-list (handsome, rich, and willing to slum it with a poor girl likely to be put away for 20-to-life at this rate), Chubs the dog walker comes around the corner and crashes into her mid-plotting. Chubs just happens to be a boy of the right age, and also just happens to offer up his phone number. Although Elise thinks he’s a hottie, Jenny throws Chubs the Chinless Wonder’s phone number in the trash when he walks away. A girl’s gotta have her standards – and they don’t include chubby dog walkers.

Guest starring role in a hit show, my furry ass. My manager’s so going to hear about this!

Well since Nate has decided to put both Blair and Chuck on his black list, he has no friends and is now resorting to begging for Dan’s affections. That’s when you know you’re at the bottom of the barrel. He shows up at the Brooklyn coffee shop Dan likes to frequent, arms full of SAT prep books he’s donating to the worthy Humphrey cause. Vanessa’s also there and is her normal, bitchy self by mocking Nate’s generous donation and taking personal offense to the suggestion that those professionals at The Princeton Review could better prepare Dan than she could. Since Nate evidently enjoys being slapped around by aggressive women, he looks intrigued. Which would be worse: Jenny and Nate or Nate and Vanessa? Vote now! I vote Natessa simply because that means more screen time for her dumb ass. After Nate leaves, Vanessa notices some loose paper jammed in one of the prep books and pulls it out to read.

Later that evening, Serena has made good on her promise to get a drink with Georgina. Serena mopes and whines about how she’s all boring and different now, but Georgina charms her into having one drink. I already like her influence!

At Blair’s, the minions have arrived to stare at the polka dots that have vomited all over Blair’s outfit, as Blair tells them she has a special announcement before they get started. Just like cops give bloodhounds a suspect’s shoe to sniff, Blair boots up Nelly Yuki’s Myspace page to help get the girls on the right trail – the complete and utter destruction of Nelly Yuki. Blair ticks off the reasons why she’s a threat – she’s smarter than Penelope, more musically talented than Isabel, and … well… more everything than Hazel who’s just along for the ride. While Hazel scoffs and frantically tries to come up with one thing she’s good at besides being a midget, the other minions jump on board with Plan: Whoa Nelly.

That’s a bitchin’ widow’s peak, Mr. Yuki.

Back at the bar, Georgina’s influence has been working its magic as both girls are totally drunk and laughing their asses off over stories of their old exploits. They’re approached by two guys who had bought them a round earlier, and while Serena politely discourages them, Georgina puts on a terrible fake accent and starts making lewd hand gestures. Charming! Georgina’s thisclose to convincing Serena that an orgy would be a totally awesome idea when G’s phone rings. Serena jokingly answers it, only to be stunned when Georgina’s cranky drug dealer doesn’t want to put up with drunken high school girl crap. Instantly sobered, Serena runs away and calls Chuck to whine about Georgina’s evil influence and ask him to help cover for her with Dan, whose house she’s supposed to be studying at. After giving her a little shit, he agrees.

Dan’s at home studying like a good boy when Chuck calls and claims Serena has food poisoning and won’t be making their play date. Dan doesn’t believe the story and asks to speak to Serena, and Chuck does little to calm his fears that Chuck finally got the incest to happen. This is why I love Chuck – deep down he’s a good guy and will help out a friend, but that doesn’t mean he won’t fuck around and get his kicks in too while he’s at it.

The next morning at school, Dan stomps over to Chuck and blames him for Serena’s recent strange behavior. I kind of wanna feel sorry for Chuck, always getting blamed for anything that goes wrong, but we all know he’s just lying in the bed he made for himself. Serena runs up to them and gushes to Dan that her migraine is gone, raising Dan’s paranoia level up another notch as the story doesn’t match. After a brief interrogation on the details of the food poisoning – was it heading north or south? – Dan whines about not understanding what’s going on and runs off. Chuck, who had been hovering in the background, suggests Serena just tell Dan the truth about Georgina, but Serena steadfastly refuses.

Meanwhile, Plan: Whoa Nelly is in full effect. Hazel and Penelope have cornered the bespectacled wunderkind and are doing their very best to convince Nelly they want her as their newest minion. I mean, with Kati gone, who’s going to be the token Asian? But when Nelly reveals she doesn’t drink, hates shopping, and is lactose intolerant, the minions are stumped. However, an eavesdropping Blair does pick up on one useful tidbit of information – Nelly’s boyfriend has just dumped her at a Flo Rida concert. Probably for using the phrase “waving our hands in the air like we just didn’t care.” The minions pretend to be sympathetic while they gather the intel.

Ugh, pretending to have a soul is SO gonna give me forehead wrinkles. Blair’s spa study sessions better include a Botox technician or I’m gonna be, like, super pissed.

Jenny and Elise are still man hunting days later – guess not that many guys are interested in a future felon – when they encounter Chubs the dog walker yet again. But it looks like their first impression was a little off – Chubs isn’t the dog walker, he’s the owner of the 6 inbred designer pups. Suddenly singing a different tune (that may or may not be “I Smell Money!”) Jenny joins the crowd of bitches sniffing around his ankles.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Blair stalks Nelly Yuki until she finds her sitting in a hallway alone. Hitting play on her cell phone, a Flo Rida song comes blaring out as Blair sloooowly strolls by Nelly and hits pay dirt when Nelly begins to break down. In a sugary sweet voice, Blair pries for details – learning the ex-boyfriend’s name – and insists that Nelly come to her place to cry it all out. And be tied up in the storage room until the SATs are over. And possibly be beaten up and posted on YouTube for the world to see.

Back in Brooklyn, Vanessa and Nate meet up for coffee for a yet-unknown reason. She gives him some shit about being late and evidently hanging out in Brooklyn way too much, for he and the waitress are on a first-name basis. Hey if you’re gonna hit that shit, it’s only polite to get a name. Nate takes the bitchiness in stride and reveals that Cappy’s treatment center is in Brooklyn, hence his slumming it over there so often. That and his man-crush on Dan. As she gets a faint inkling of her heinousness, Vanessa confesses that she found and read what turned out to be Nate’s SAT practice essay, on the topic of how Nate feels caught between his parents. She admits she asked him to meet her so she could apologize, which he accepts while ogling her boobs.

Serena reluctantly answers a call from Georgina, and receives the great news that G’s ass will be back on its way to Europe come tomorrow. Georgina insists on making things up to Serena, and gives her a whole spiel about how she admires the changes Serena’s made, and hopes that she can become boring and bland too. Even though it’s the night before the SATs, Georgina manages to charm Serena one last time into agreeing to meet for a quick dinner. Big mistake. Big. Huge. She should just go shopping instead.

Uh, one, please… Uh… one rock of crack… A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?

A few hours later, and Dan’s efforts to make his head explode are almost paying off as he has a meltdown over vocab cards. Rufus arrives home and Jenny proudly stuffs her homework in his face, trying to earn a grounding reprieve. While Rufus has bought her a replacement sewing machine so she can keep making him those sexy plaid shirts, he’s not quite ready to let his little troublemaker roam free – especially when she reveals she has a date with Chubs for the next afternoon. Unsurprisingly, Rufus doesn’t really want his 15-year-old to be dating, especially another one of those rich kids who made her go all insane in the first place. Jenny tries her best, but winds up doing the indignant teenage girl shriek and stomping into her room. If only Chubs could see her now.

At Blair’s, the next stage of Plan: Whoa Nelly is in effect as the girls all enjoy blended drinks and spa treatments – including Nelly Yuki. Unfortunately for Penelope, there’s nary a Botox technician in sight. Blair cryptically remarks to a miserable Nelly that she thinks Nelly will be feeling better shortly, and silently communicates with the masseuse to forcibly push Nelly face-first in her massage chair. Might as well give her a little brain damage while you’re at it. Seconds later, guess who arrives? Oh it’s Todd, Nelly’s ex-boyfriend of course! Nelly frantically asks if she has cushion face, and Isabel hilariously tells her like it is. After exchanging a few looks with Blair, Todd says he wants to talk to Nelly in private, and leads her away. He doesn’t really strike me as particularly interested in working things out with Nelly, and I wouldn’t put it past our Queen B to resort to bribery, would you?

You may be Asian, honey, but you’re no Kati. Don’t even think we’re going to coordinate leg warmers, mmkay?

Nate and Vanessa are still on their coffee date, but are now strolling aimlessly down the street, flirting. The conversation turns serious as Vanessa admits she doesn’t intend to go to college, and was only studying for the SAT so she could help tutor Dan. Loyal friend or pathetic loser, you decide. She says she would rather be a filmmaker than go to college. Last time I checked, those two weren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, NYU has one of the best film programs in the country, dumb ass. Well her whole chat about being an under-educated starving artist for the rest of her life is an aphrodisiac for Nate, who plants a big smacker on her and drags her inside to make out. Swell.

At dinner, Georgina is on her best behavior, refusing the waitress’s offer of booze and asking about Serena Second Edition, or Serena 2.0 as I like to call her. After a few tender moments, Serena ducks out to place a call, and the sweet smile on Georgina’s face wipes off – and we see her drug Serena’s diet coke. Haha, awesome. While in general I’d say I have a don’t-drug-your-friends stance, I gotta admit, I’m in favor of this! Anything’s better than Serena 2.0.

The next morning, Serena wakes up in Georgina’s bed, dressed in her clothes from the night before and completely disoriented. Realizing that she’s totally fucked for the SAT, Serena’s confused and frantic. Hey, if you’re gonna get roofied, I’d say this is one of the best possible outcomes. As Serena gathers her belongings and tries to put the pieces of the night together, Georgina convincingly feeds her lies about shots of Patron and a group of guys Serena wanted to go home with. Tauntingly saying that maybe Serena 2.0 was a bit premature, Georgina strolls out and Serena calls Chuck and begs him to stall the start of the SAT for as long as he can.

Oh, God, not another lesbian encounter. There’s only so many of these I can chalk up to ‘experimenting.’

Vanessa is on her way to work and encounters Nate sitting on a bench outside the coffee shop, waiting for her. He gently insists that she get in the car he has with him, and she admits that she’s intrigued and gets in. For someone who thinks she’s the smartest person on the planet, Vanessa’s a real idiot sometimes. You know he’s taking her to the SAT. She’s too smart to let that talent go to waste, blah blah blah. I was totally fine with her ending up homeless in a gutter somewhere. Thanks, Nathaniel.

Elsewhere in the ghetto, Jenny’s throwing another one of her temper tantrums, first pouting and then yelling at Rufus that Chubs is so much different than the other rich kids she’s met, and how it’s unfair that Rufus is pre-judging Chubs (whose real name is Asher it sounds like). Sensing weakness, she switches to a sweet voice and asks again if she can meet Chubs for lunch. Realizing that means Jenny didn’t cancel – assuming she could get him to crack – Rufus angrily presents her with the phone and tells her no dice. Ooh, Rufus is so… not scary at all in his collarless shirt. For the love of God, Jenny, start sewing!

You will respect my authoritah!

Sure enough, Nate’s brought Vanessa to school and armed her with a graphing calculator and some No. 2 pencils. As she whines that she’s not sure she can do this, all I can think is for a show that usually has a high degree of realism (assuming you buy the whole concept of the series), it makes absolutely no sense that Vanessa could just walk in and take the SAT. It’s called registration, and believe me, I’ve almost blown a few of those deadlines in my day. Me and procrastination enjoy a healthy game of Russian Roulette. The point is, those old hag proctors aren’t fucking around. You’re not registered, you’re not getting in. Small point, I know, but it stands out as weak writing for an otherwise strong show. Anyway, Vanessa sucks it up and goes and takes the SAT. Wouldn’t it be great if she’s the one to score better than Blair?

Nelly Yuki arrives then at school, and Blair & Co swoop down to see if Plan: Whoa Nelly succeeded – and it did. Good ol’ Todd kept Nelly awake the entire night, rehashing their breakup over and over before ultimately deciding he didn’t want to get back together anyway. As a result, Nelly got no sleep and has been crying all night. As she wails out her woes, she drops her graphing calculator, which Blair helpfully retrieves for her before Nelly runs away. Once alone, the minions express concerns that the Plan wasn’t fool-proof, but Blair’s one step ahead of them – and reveals the batteries she swiped out of Nelly’s calculator. We should have known that Blair doesn’t randomly display niceties. As for how she got Todd to agree to all this – well Izzy’s gotta pay her minion dues on her back. I think Blair should have selected Hazel for that role — that way Penelope could be the smart one, Isabel could be the talented one, and Hazel could be the dirty whore. It’s only fair that everyone feels they fulfill a certain role.

Once inside, Dan and Blair realize that Serena’s MIA with the clock slowly winding down. As Dan goes to leave her yet another voicemail, he stops dead in his tracks – overhearing a redheaded cherub presenting ID and claiming to be Serena. Again – you can count on Chuck to help you, but he’s going to do it his way. Take it or leave it.

After the test, Dan and Blair walk out, still talking about Serena’s absence. Looks like Dan hasn’t told Blair what he saw. But what both he and Blair do see is Nate and Vanessa embracing. As they both silently digest this news, they share an awkward look and immediately go their own ways. I must say, Dan looks pretty bummed out for someone he’s blindly taken advantage of and considered just a friend. Dan heads for the Palace and knocks on Chuck’s door, which is answered by Serena. As Dan tries to get the truth out of Serena, Chuck strolls into the room and announces she was with him and his Big Bird pants. Dan tries to give her the excuse of not studying enough and freaking out, but Serena stubbornly insists she got migraine-food poisoning again, which he doesn’t believe at all. Dan accuses her of paying someone to take the test for her, which clearly Serena knew nothing about. She whirls on Chuck and bitches at him for arranging the ringer. His reaction? Unapologetic would be putting it nicely. Dan begs Serena to tell him what’s going on, and she merely says that she’ll talk to him about it tomorrow. Defeated and seriously questioning their relationship, Dan slinks away.

Who… little ol’ me?

Once alone, Serena begins to bitch out Chuck but he cuts her off by asking what dirt Georgina has on Serena that’s so bad she can’t even tell the never-fazed Chuck. She maddeningly keeps her mouth shut, and instead goes to pay a visit on Georgina. Georgina cheerfully opens the door and Serena wastes no time demanding that Georgina never contact her again. A fight ensues and what we learn is that something happened last year, and while Serena wants to play the innocent bystander card who just happened to walk in, Georgina thinks it was just as much Serena as it was her – if not even more so. Either way, Serena warns, Georgina better keep her mouth shut – for if S goes down, G is going with her. I was joking earlier, but I wonder if these two had a threesome? Guesses, anyone?

Meanwhile, Chubs, further cementing my opinion that he’s a big, stupid looking douche, has shown up in the ghetto, much to both Jenny and Rufus’s surprise. At first both Rufus and I thought Jenny had invited him as a way to thwart the grounding, but it turns out Chubs came up with this plan all by himself. Stalker, much? Chubs kisses some Rufus ass, earning himself an invitation into the loft – and new status as Jenny’s man meat.

I hope you didn’t think that was the end of Georgina, because once a girl is willing to roofie a friend, there’s no telling how far she’ll go. And in this case, it’s making a play for the friend’s boyfriend. With the pseudonym Sarah, Georgina just happens across Dan sitting in the park. Using a dog as an ice breaker, she quickly develops a rapport with our confused hero, as Dan babbles inanely the way he does when an attractive girl looks at him twice. Ruh-roh.

Wow, this kid never shuts up. I may have to roofie him next just to get some peace and quiet.

So what did you think? Will Dan fall for Georgina’s charms? What exactly is this damn secret the girls share? Who’s going to be revealed as gay next week? And when are Chuck and Blair going to share scenes?!