Gossip Girl: Oh, For Pete’s Sake

This week on Gossip Girl, last week’s jaw-dropping cliff hanger is wrapped up with a neat little bow as both the Humphrey men get a little lovin’.

Spotted: Lonelyboy getting herpes.

We open with Georgina repeatedly calling Serena, leaving increasingly irritated voicemails for Serena to call her back. As Gossip Girl wisely informs us, in the era of cell phones, when someone doesn’t call you back, it’s usually because they just don’t want to. Looks like someone played that snuff film trump card too soon. I mean, really G. I always wait until at least the first restraining order.

In the ghetto, Rufus is preparing to give a concert that night while Dan makes another one of his uber-annoying anti-society rants, this time about popular music and Starbucks. When you’re the lapdog of a girl who lives and breathes Bergdorf Goodman and the Chanel spring/summer collection, you lose your ability to pretend to be all edgy and independent, Dan. When Dan passes on the opportunity to give Rufus shit about the concert appearing on VH1 classics and not normal VH1 (although looking at the programming on VH1 today, I think I’d actually want to be on the old-farts version… at least then I wouldn’t have to worry about my concert following a dating show where a midget competes for the heart of a transvestite), Rufus knows something is wrong. Dan confesses that he and Serena are still on the outs, due to her telling him half-truths and acting shady. Rufus gently points out that Dan can be a judgmental asshat, and Dan agrees that he’ll try to tone it down and get Serena to come clean with him.

“Because honestly, son, someone with that large a gap between their front teeth shouldn’t be judging anyone.”

This episode’s picking back up the Nate-Vanessa story line, and we learn Nate’s stalking her all over Brooklyn. While flattered, she wants to go out on an actual date and stop feeling like the rich white boy’s exotic, lower-class mistress. Nate gets an emergency phone call and has to quit his stalking early for the day, but agrees to go on a date with her that night — by helping her set up for Rufus’s concert. Quelle romantique!

In Manhattan at the Palace, Lily and Bart are reviewing final wedding arrangements, including something about an interview Lily has with Rolling Stone. Dan arrives, looking for Serena, but she’s MIA, not like Lily can really be bothered with that right now. Chuck is there, though, and sidles up to Dan to throw a few incestuous innuendoes his way while Dan notes Serena’s bed hasn’t been slept in. Just then Chuck gets a phone call from someone — presumably Blair — worried because they can’t find Serena. With Dan blatantly eavesdropping, Chuck purposely says enough so Dan knows the call is about Serena, then hilariously shuts a door in Dan’s face to continue the conversation.

The show channels Grey’s Anatomy as Chuck jumps into an elevator Nate’s already in, just as the doors are closing. A few painful moments later, they arrive at Blair’s, only to be told that the Queen B herself isn’t there yet. As Chuck wonders aloud if this is Blair’s perverse idea of a double date (which would be totally awesome, btw), Georgina’s still wandering around town leaving yet another voicemail for Serena — and is now so annoyed she’s decided to just show up at the Palace, perhaps to out a cousin or something. She and Nate should so hook up, they definitely have that stalking thing in common.

McSchemey and McDreary.

As Georgie turns the corner outside the Palace, she spies Dan standing in the courtyard like a lost puppy. Realizing that it’d be bizarre for “Sarah” to be visiting Serena, she turns and tries to escape, but Dan sees her anyway and calls out. She quickly spins a lie about a friend for Portland staying there, and Dan begins whining about how Serena hasn’t come home and is acting batshit crazy lately. Inspiration strikes, and she encourages Dan to call Serena immediately, because surely she’ll pick up his call and explain where she is — and therefore prove to Georgie that Serena is indeed screening her calls. But before he can, he gets a call from the lady of the hour herself. Only it’s not Serena — it’s a bartender who found her phone after she left with three dudes and skipped out on her tab. Classy, VDW… but also somewhat impressive. Not even Paris would try to take on three at once.

At that moment, Blair finally arrives home to face two disgruntled boys. As Nate begins to give her shit, she cuts him off, saying “we” need help and turning back to the elevator. The boys follow, finding Serena collapsed on the floor of the elevator, fumes of crackwhore wafting off of her. They quickly get her up off the ground and on the way upstairs, as Serena debates which one she’d rather puke on. Honey, aim for Nate.

Once upstairs, Blair is wrangling Serena into the shower with Nate’s help, while Chuck fetches the standard supplies for times like these — water, bread, morning-after pills. Blair begins stripping off Serena’s shirt while Chuck watches, an odd expression on his face. Perversion? Amusement in the return of bad Serena? Gas? Who knows. Nate sees it and leaves the bathroom, closing the door behind him and telling Chuck he thinks Chuck is actually enjoying this. Chuck ponders how to answer that while we hear Serena barf up her entire small intestine. Someone in the sound effects department should get a raise for that one.

Chuck claims he’s just sentimental as Blair comes back out, and explains what happened between the two episodes — after Serena confessed, Blair went upstairs to get some valium to help Serena calm down, during which Serena snuck out for parts unknown. Blair went after her, and it took her all night to find her. In her rendition of the events, Blair skips over what Serena told her and refuses to reveal it when Chuck badgers her.

“That is, after I did my hair, makeup, and changed into this lovely frock. She may have been lying in a gutter somewhere, but that doesn’t mean I had to look like I was too!”

Across town, Rufus and Vanessa are setting up for the concert, and Rufus begins grilling his son’s friend for dirt on Dan’s Serena troubles. I see Vanessa’s still wearing the hideous yellow cookie-cutter earrings, and I kinda hope they catch in some wires and rip out. The roadies unfurl a poster of Rufus in all his 80s-rocker glory — just as Lily is being handed a copy of the same image during her interview with Rolling Stone. Turns out Lily was the photographer who took that picture — the most well-known image of the band. As she modestly looks over the picture, the reporter brazenly asks whether she and Rufus were already frakking when that picture was taken. Someone’s letting his Star Magazine roots show. Lily dodges the question, which is immediately followed by the reporter asking if the reason she quit photography was because it was too hard once she broke Rufus’s heart. No, it’s more like the first gravy train came to town and she was all too eager to hop aboard and marry its conductor.

Lily is saved by the knock, as Dan proves he has no pride and announces he’s just going to sit there and wait for Serena to come home — assuming she can walk after taking on three dudes. Puzzled, Lily suggests Dan try Blair’s, since “Charles” had said he was going there to pick Serena up. As Dan scampers off, fuming over Chuck yet again being involved in something regarding Serena, Lily begins to throw the reporter out. However, he gets in one last question — does Lily think her being in love with Rufus helped her take such great pictures? Obviously she should answer no and throw him out, but being a TV show, she hesitates before saying she wasn’t in love with Rufus — that much. Yep, that’s going to come back and bite you in the ass, Lils.

Dan gets off the elevator at Blair’s, much to the surprise of the Scooby gang already assembled. How did no one know he was coming up? Doesn’t Blair have a door staff that calls to announce visitors, or can anyone just get in the elevator and arrive in her foyer? How awkward would that be? Oh yay, it’s Serena! Uh oh, it’s Lindsay Lohan — quick, hide the furs! Oh fuck, it’s that homeless guy I laughed at when he got sprayed with mud yesterday!

“I’m sorry, we already have a Xander.”

Seeing Blair, Nate and Chuck, Dan demands to know what’s going on — and why the three of them are together, seeing as though they hate each other. True, but that doesn’t mean Chuck can’t work on making his threesome fantasy actually happen. He’s got it all planned out on a notepad at home: Step 1: distract Nathaniel with mirror. Step 2: place fake call from INS to get Duroda out of the way. Mention something about “papers” and “deportation.” Step 3: get Blair wasted. Time it after a purge for faster absorption. Bring breath mints. Shaking out of his plotting, Chuck and Blair insist that Serena just left, but Dan doesn’t believe a word of it, forcing Blair to change her story to Serena doesn’t want to see him. Not believing that either, Dan calls Serena’s name and tries to push through the boys, although Serena arrives before any real violence can break out, which is unfortunate because I’d really like to see Humphrey humbled by a beat-down.

Coming downstairs, looking way too put together for someone vomiting up an atom bomb only a short while ago, Serena pulls Dan aside. He begins asking about the three guys she supposedly left the bar with, while she admits she has no idea who they were. Dan braves on, and demands to know if she slept with someone else — and Serena finally nods and answers yes. Dan simply says he’s done before turning away and getting in the elevator. As he’s reeling from the betrayal, Georgina calls and suggests they meet in the park to talk about it… which Dan agrees to.

Back at Palace, Lily is reconsidering all of her wedding arrangements as Bart and the wedding planner look on with mixed degrees of horror and amusement. Bart points out she’s acting crazy, and wasn’t like this that morning — before the interview. She apologizes and says she wants this, her fourth wedding, to be the prettiest one yet. Aww, that’s what every groom wants to hear! Her phone rings, and it’s Duroda. Lily is less than thrilled to be chatting with the hired help, and snottily tries to get rid of her — until a timid Duroda warns her that Serena 2.0 is a thing of the past, and the drunken slut has returned. It actually comes out as “I think you should have worry about your daughter” which cracks me up. Lily grudgingly thanks her, and tells Bart she has to go do something she’s done many times before.

“Ugh, servants overstepping their bounds really piss me off. It’s like they think they’re people or something.”

Now, I assumed that meant going to Blair’s and fetching her daughter, but I should have known better. This is Lily, afterall. Nope, it’s digging through Serena’s belongings, looking for incriminating evidence of Serena 2.0′s fall from grace — used condoms, dirty needles, and receipts from Wet Seal. But that’s not what she finds — instead she comes across the USB drive with the snuff film Serena brilliantly stuffed in a pocket of her jeans. A regular criminal mastermind, that one. Lily seems to understand what a USB drive is as she takes it, unlike my mother who would probably think its a laser pointer.

Meanwhile, Serena’s a mess over telling Dan she cheated on him, and tearfully admits to Blair, Chuck, and Nate that it was a lie — but it’s better that he think that of her than know the truth. The gang sits her down, and begs her to tell them what is the truth then. When Serena resists, they each air their own dirty laundry — Blair had sex with Chuck in the back seat of a limo (“several times” adds Chuck, deadpanned. LOL!), Nate had sex with Serena at the Shepherd wedding when he was still with Blair, and Chuck… is Chuck (he also could have said repeated attempted date rapist and it would have made the point). As Serena still hesitates and we go to commercial, I just want to add that I love that this scene appears to be setting up the reconciliation of Blair, Chuck, and Nate, as Nate barely reacted when Blair mentioned her and Chuck doing the deed. Although that might have more to do with Chace Crawford’s acting skills than Nate’s acceptance…

Serena finally begins talking, first bringing up Georgina. Blair interjects that they all know her, some better than others, seeing as though Chuck lost his virginity to her in sixth grade. Eww, that would make them either 11 or 12… even my friend from Kentucky would be scandalized by that. Serena admits Georgie is now blackmailing her with something that happened the night of the Shepherd wedding, and we flash back to Serena and Nate having sex on the bar. Blair interrupts again to request Serena skip that part, and after Chuck volunteers to fill Blair in on the details later — he was watching from the balcony remember — Serena moves ahead with the story.

“What? She invited me over to watch ‘Lilo & Stitch’ and then rolled on top of me. What was I supposed to do?”

In the flash back, Serena runs outside, wearing Nate’s shirt (so what was he wearing?), and hails a cab to go meet up with Georgina at another hotel. We then cut to Lily, who starts playing the video. In it, we see Serena arrive to find Georgina and a random guy, Pete, hanging out. Serena’s drunk and depressed over sleeping with Nate, and leaves the room to go puke as Pete pulls out some cocaine. Serena returns, gets on the bed with Pete, and complains about being too hot. He is only too happy to help her remove Nate’s shirt, and they begin making out. At this point, a disgusted Lily shuts down the computer, and we return to the Scooby gang, hearing Serena describe the same events.

As they’re fooling around, Serena pushes Pete off saying she can’t, and suggests doing a few lines of coke first. He agrees, does a line, and goes all Regina Morrow by having some sort of seizure or heart attack (if you know that reference you are my new BFF, btw). Panicked, Serena screams for Georgina to get in there and begins calling 911. Georgina snatches the phone from her hand, insisting they can’t call the cops because there are drugs everywhere, and orders Serena to gather her shit and get out of there immediately. As the girls gather their stuff, Serena finds Pete’s phone and calls 911 from it, relaying their location and begging for help before she lets Georgina yank her out the door.

How Georgina always leaves her men.

In the present, Serena tearfully explains that Georgina insisted they split up at that point, but Serena couldn’t leave and instead waited outside the hotel to assure herself that the guy was fine. Which he wasn’t, judging by the body bag the paramedics took out of there. As a result, Serena ran away to boarding school after convincing Lily that it was the best for her. Blair admits it all makes much more sense now, and Nate asks the million dollar question — what the hell does Georgina want with her blackmailing? Serena admits she doesn’t really know, but that Georgina’s gotten in good with Dan and Vanessa as “Sarah” and will use the snuff film if Serena blows her cover or doesn’t do what Georgina says. Chuck goes all bad ass by insisting they have to find Georgina, and when Serena begs them all not to do anything, they exchange looks over her head as she cries.

Is anyone else really curious what did happen then the previous night with Serena and the three dudes? Where did Blair find them, and what were they doing when she did? I somehow doubt she caught up with them playing euchre or volunteering at an early-morning soup kitchen.

A few hours later, Serena, Blair and Chuck arrive at the Palace for the wedding rehearsal dinner, and Lily swoops down upon her daughter immediately. After hissing out accusations regarding the previous night and Duroda’s phone call, Lily mentions that she saw the video. Serena looks like she’s going to hurl again — if so everyone better clear the fuck out of there — until Lily continues to say she shut down the video after Serena and the guy began making out. Serena’s relieved, but Lily’s not done yet — and threatens to send Serena to reformatory school before stomping away. Maybe she wouldn’t be so fucked up, Lily, if you weren’t the black widow of the Upper East Side. Shaken, Serena then cries in Blair’s arms.

In the ghetto, Dan and Georgina arrive at Rufus’s show, which is evidently a whole smorgasbord of washed up acts, as Lisa Loeb is there, too. What, was Right Said Fred already booked this night? After two or three random lines of dialogue — one of them being “hey nice to meet you” — Lisa slinks back into obscurity and I Love the 90s reruns. Dan gives Rufus a bit of a hard time, then goes with “Sarah” to find seats, where some random chick calls out Georgina by her real name. Georgie has no choice but to pretend not to notice, laughing it off when Dan mentions it seemed like that girl was talking to “Sarah.” Sidenote: what the hell is that random chick and her friends doing at Rufus’s concert? Although maybe I shouldn’t talk, since I’m still angry that I can’t get NKOTB reunion tour tickets.

“Ok, Mr. Settle, in this scene your character is supposed to be a barely-remembered has-been. The key is to act beaten but yet naively optimistic. Just follow my lead. I’m an expert at this.”

Back at the rehearsal, Blair storms up to Lily to beg her not to send Serena away. As a short, blonde woman the color of a carrot titters, Lily politely scolds Blair not to interrupt, but Blair doesn’t give a damn. They do move away though in case the short woman’s radioactive, and Lily snottily informs Blair that B is one of the reasons Lily feels it is necessary to ship Serena’s ass out of here (ironic because Blair is the one person who would never negatively influence Serena). Blair ignores that and tells Lily to stop being a society bitch and be a mother for once — and realize that Serena’s in pain and no one can help her but her mother. Blair also informs Lily that there’s more to the tape than the portion Lily saw. Hey Lily, remember how last week you were all upset about how you reacted to Eric’s (where is he at this rehearsal dinner btw?) homosexuality? Here’s your chance to not be a complete fuck up yet again.

Meanwhile, Nate calls Vanessa to warn her he’ll be late for the concert, and she cheerily tells him then to just look for Dan and Sarah. Hearing that, Nate freaks and outs “Sarah” as Georgina. Vanessa’s rightfully confused as hell as Nate barks at her not to trust “Sarah” and that he’ll be there ASAP. Nate then calls Blair, and after a few moments of awkward chatter about his moving on with Vanessa, he reveals that Georgina is with Dan and Vanessa at that very moment at the concert. Blair orders him not to move, and that she’ll be there in 10 minutes to pick him up. Once off the phone, Blair sidles up to Chuck, flashing bedroom back seat eyes. Looks like someone needs a limo. Instead of rolling over and thanking his lucky stars (guess he doesn’t downshift that fast), Chuck hilariously sneers “What’s gotten into you?” Blair announces she knows exactly where Georgina is at that very moment, and Chuck pounces, declaring they should go “get the bitch.” As Gossip Girl says, with friends like these, you don’t need armies.

Having taken Blair’s advice, Lily leaves the rehearsal with Serena, over Bart’s objections. My money’s on Bart having to get used to Lily walking out of wedding-related events. In yet another Bass limo, they arrive at a modest house outside Manhattan, which Lily reveals to be Pete’s parents’ house — and they’re expecting Serena. Serena protests that she can’t do this, but Lily insists she can — because Lily will be right by her side. Better hope that statute of limitations has run before you start confessing.

“And if apologizing doesn’t work, I’ve got my checkbook.”

At the concert, Lisa Loeb is pathetically singing the one song anyone will ever want to hear her sing as Vanessa approaches “Sarah” and confronts her with her true identity. Panicked, Georgina plays dumb while Vanessa warns her to fess up now before Nate arrives and does it for her. Georgina decides to run, which Dan sees as he approaches. Vanessa tells Dan Georgina’s real name, but before she can say much else she is called away to help Rufus. Following Georgina, Dan finds her in tears. There’s nothing like realizing your snuff film blackmail scheme isn’t working to bring a girl to tears.

Back at the Pete’s place, Lily comforts Serena as they’re leaving, pointing out that Pete had been an addict for 10 years and the parents don’t hold Serena responsible at all. Well, at least not now that they can afford that vacation home they’ve always wanted. Thanks, son! Serena’s still upset, but Lily tells her that’s because she’s a good, compassionate person, leaving someone for dead aside. They hug and make up, and Serena asks Lily to take her to Dan at the concert. WTF? That’s it on this entire plot line? And we don’t even get to see how Lily found out about the death in the first place (I’m assuming Blair told her), nor do we see Serena apologizing to the parents? Granted, this story line was worrisome because it could have been a total “O.C” shark-jumping moment, but this is kind of bullshit, writers.

Meanwhile, Dan is busy listening to Georgina’s lies, as she explains she used the fake name to hide from a crazy ex-boyfriend. He buys it because he’s a gullible dumbass, and Georgina pushes her luck a bit further, admitting that she’s falling for him. Dan looks stunned for a moment before suggesting they go out somewhere quiet, where they can talk and/or have sex against a Dumpster.

“Yeah, so then he, uh, short-sheeted my bed… and hid a carton of milk in the back of a closet… and switched the sugar with the salt. He was very dangerous… and I was so scared.”

Rufus is performing as Nate arrives with Chuck and Blair in tow. Vanessa admits Georgina left, and she and Nate wander off to suck face — just as Serena runs in. Serena excitedly tells Blair she can finally tell Dan everything, and sets off to look for him. Or you could have told him everything two episodes ago, which would have been a lot more logical. Meanwhile, Lily, lurking behind stage and about to call Bart, decides to go watch Rufus perform — who sees her and begins intensely staring into her eyes while singing about love. Disturbed by both the awkward staring and shitiness of his music, Lily runs away and Rufus finishes the song and abruptly leaves the stage to go after her. He catches up, and after she unsuccessfully orders him out of her way a few times, she goes in for the big kiss. Honey, if you want the alimony, you gotta marry Bart first before you begin the affairs. I thought you were an old pro at this.

Chuck, Blair and Serena are wandering around, looking for Dan, when Blair’s cell phone rings. It’s Dan, so she passes it to Serena. Serena answers but it’s actually Georgina on the other end. Georgie’s pissed that Serena ruined the blackmailing game, so she proposes a new one — party in Dan’s pants. Serena scoffs at the notion of Dan hooking up with Georgina, and with a sly “you sure about that?” Georgina hangs up just as Dan approaches her, holding two cups of coffee. They sit down, and he asks how her conversation with her “mother” went and she said it was good — as she covertly removes the battery from Dan’s cell phone and knocks it into a bush. She then kisses him, doing a good job with the shy, uncertain face. He hesitates a moment, then leans in and they begin making out, before strolling away together hand-in-hand for perhaps a little horizontal mambo.

So what did you think? Do you think it’s a cop-out the way they so quickly and neatly handled the “I killed someone” plot? Do you think Georgina has any interest in Dan, or is it all a game (I’d say 75% game at least)? And will Lily and Bart actually say ‘”I do” (not a chance in hell)?

See you next week for the season finale!