Gossip Girl: OMFG It’s Back!

Hey everyone! I can’t tell you how glad I am that Gossip Girl is finally back! When we last left our favorite spoiled, slutty teens, Blair had just been dethroned thanks to Chuck blabbing to Gossip Girl herself that Blair traded in her v-card in a wild backseat limo ride – and not with Nate. Jenny then confirmed the story to Nate, causing a homoerotic mini-brawl between the boys, and prompting both guys to tell Blair to take her skanky ass elsewhere. This in turn gave Blair’s minions the excuse they were looking for to dump their leader and crown her successor – Jenny! But as Blair tried to escape undetected into the night, Serena arrived just in time to convince her friend that running isn’t the answer, and to stay and fight the good fight. Okay, everyone caught up? Then on with the show!

All right, who spooged on Blair?

We open this return episode with Blair’s “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” themed nightmare, during which a hot, wet Nate calls her Jenny and tells her she has no one. She’s woken up by the hired help, and GG and the maid helpfully babble about how it’s the first day back at school following spring break, giving us an idea of how much time has passed in GG-world during the strike. Blair, who evidently spent the time off lounging in bed with chocolates (as well as her eating disorder because she hasn’t gained an ounce), whines and pouts about having to finally go in public.

Meanwhile, Serena’s dealing with a rough morning of her own. Looks like the VDW – Bass wedding is going ahead full-throttle, as they’re all now living together at the Palace. Chuck’s already got the sibling routine down pat by hogging the bathroom and ignoring Serena’s pounding on the door. Sure, most brothers don’t puff away on joints while indulging in sex fantasies about their sisters, but the gist is the same. Serena finally barges her way in (because evidently this 5,000/night hotel suite only has 1 bathroom other than the master bath?), and is treated to numerous innuendos involving threesomes and spoogy hand towels. They’re like totally related already. It’s so cute.

At school, Jenny is strolling with one of the former minions (Isabel), as well as the snotty brunette (Penelope) and blonde (Hazel) who started being featured a bit in the last few pre-strike episodes. The other main minion, Katy, is MIA because the actress either decided to return to college or because Leighton Meester (Blair) hated her guts, depending who you ask. Either way, the character is gone, and Isabel will have to find someone else to make out with. Also tagging along is Elise, the naïve little girl who has inherited Jenny’s former position of desperate freshman ready and willing to bend over at any time just to be popular.

Okay, ladies. For the last time: I prefer vertically impaired or extra petite. Not midget or dwarf.

The girls are talking about Jenny’s birthday party the next night, which in turn becomes a discussion of what they’re going to wear. Now despite her dad’s multi-million dollar loft, Jenny’s supposed to be poor so she starts squirming and providing vague answers. These girls aren’t the brightest crayons in the box, but even they could figure out that Tar-jay is just a fancy way of saying Target. Jenny manages to sidestep the issue only to be reminded that she owes Penelope $120 for brunch. Shit dude, I only manage to ring up restaurant tabs that high when I’m having a primarily liquid meal. Whoops. Someone’s ass better start filling out employment applications if she wants to continue running with the rich bitch crowd.

Back at the Brady Bunch suite, Chuck and Serena run into Eric (looking slightly less goofy now thanks to a better haircut and subtler highlights), who is hiding from the Bass family servants. Evidently the hired help is so attentive they’re fighting over which one gets to physically wipe Eric’s ass for him. Chuck suggests that Eric meet a certain maid who would love to accommodate him on a more carnal level – a brotherly gesture that Serena does not appreciate. If pointing out which one is the sluttiest maid is the worst thing Chuck teaches Eric, I’d say Serena should just relax.

The gang troops down to the dining room, where Bart and Lily are eating breakfast. Lily’s rocking some early morning indoor shades, claiming she has a headache from the wedding planner. I suspect the elder Ms. VDW has been knocking back some vodka in private, Grandma CeCe style. Chuck kisses everyone’s ass a bit, and Serena immediately bails to go meet Blair. But when she calls for Eric to come with her, the disobedient pup refuses to move, too busy basking in the glow of Chuck’s attention. Serena takes off in a huff, and therefore does not see Bart asking Chuck to be his best man at the wedding. Chuck looks sincerely touched and pleased, leading me to believe that he truly wants to live happily ever after with this Frankensteinian family.

After a quick scene of Dan and Rufus chatting about Jenny’s sudden upward shot into popularity, we join Serena and Blair walking over to school. Blair’s acting like a jackass, and has tried so hard to be unrecognizable that she stands out more in a crowd than Heidi Montag would at a Mensa meeting. Serena tries to convince Blair that the scandal has blown over – dropping the little tidbit that Leighton Meester’s wrath scared Katy all the way to Israel – and gets her to turn over the oversized sunglasses and head scarf.

Add a blonde wig and she’d be Smurfette.

Now I know you didn’t see this one coming, but things at school aren’t exactly peachy-keen. The whispering and head turning begin as soon as Blair comes into view, while Serena tries to hide her dismay and Blair struggles to keep her chin up. Nate gives Blair the evil eye – you cheated on her first you hypocritical sack of shit! – while Chuck mainly looks pained and uncomfortable. But it’s us bitchy girls who always have to take things one step further – and so Jenny & Co. fling yogurt into Blair’s hair, completing the humiliation. Maybe the head scarf wasn’t such a bad idea after all, huh S?

After Blair momentarily escapes, Nate flags Jenny down for a little chat. He warns her that her new clique may not be the sweetest girls in school, seeing as though they’re gleefully stomping on their former BFF’s corpse. A flash of fear is evident in Jenny’s features, but she plays it off, saying that she’ll just be sure not to give them a reason to. After all, they have so much in common… like… well there’s…. yeah she’s screwed.

Blair and Serena have sought refuge on the Met steps as Serena continues to try to cheer Blair up. Just then the girls notice Chuck and Eric – who is now sporting a fantastically patterned scarf a la Chuck and grinning in adoration. As Serena gasps in horror that Chuck is doing this to torture her, Blair gasps in horror when she sees that Jenny is being fully embraced by the minions, all of whom have arrived at the Met as well. Serena breaks the news of Jenny’s birthday party, and reveals that she was invited but said no out of loyalty to Blair. Blair hisses and spits until Serena affectionately lectures her that if she wants people to like her and things to return to normal, she has to stop being such a big bitch all the time. Which we all know is impossible. It’s Blair. And I love her for it.

I’m not giving up the privilege of sitting on spit and urine stained steps without a fight, dammit!

Meanwhile, Jenny’s struggling to fit in with her new crowd. After hesitatingly agreeing to try to set Penelope up with Nate, Jenny is alarmed when the girls casually declare they’re all going out for dinner again tonight. Jenny tries to worm her way out of it, until Penelope plays the “you owe me” trump card and gives her a challenging look. Ruh-roh. But we all know Jenny’s quick on her feet, and she suddenly whirls around and approaches Blair (who hilariously shrinks back against an optimistic Serena). But instead of dumping any more dairy products on Blair’s head, Jenny nicely asks Blair to join them for dinner, and Serena quickly accepts for Blair. But here’s the thing – Jenny named a different restaurant than the one the girls were talking about. Looks like Little J’s going to use torturing Blair as a Get Out of Pricey Dinner Free card.

Later that afternoon, Serena and Dan are rolling around in her room when Chuck appears in the doorway, wearing a purple suit only the extremely confident or blind can get away with. Serena demands that Chuck make his pervy comment and get the hell out, but he merely says that the wedding caterer is presenting a tasting for everyone – and he’s gone ahead and asked for a place to be set for Dan. Serena looks appropriately contrite, and the lovebirds roll out of bed to join the rest of the clan.

At the tasting, everyone’s getting along swimmingly while Dan fumbles with the fancy names for the various unidentifiable substances he’s putting in his mouth. A package arrives for Serena, and she excitedly begins opening it, erroneously assuming it’s from Dan. Chuck refuses to miss the opportunity to make a package joke, and Eric giggles like a school girl. Anyone else starting to get a weird vibe from this Chuck-Eric storyline? Eric’s always struck me as a little too feminine and Chuck’s never been a man’s man if you know what I mean. If the writers make Chuck gay though I will be PISSED, because the 13 year old trapped inside my 26 year old body is such a Blair-Chuck shipper.

Anyway, the box contains porn and handcuffs, prompting an entertaining range of reactions from the gathered family – Lily’s appalled, Dan’s shocked (and a little turned on) and Chuck is amused as hell. Serena throws the box at Chuck and storms out, ignoring Chuck’s protests that he didn’t send it. Dan gets up to follow, taking the box of goodies with him to throw out at Lily’s insistence. Throw out, my ass. It’s about time he and Rufus had a father-son porn night, just like when Dan was little.

Are those fur-lined? The metal ones really chaffed my wrists last time.

Jenny & Co. are sitting around Hazel’s house, laughing at the prank Jenny pulled on Blair. Points for kicking Blair when she’s down + successfully getting out of dinner = victory for Little J. Talk once again turns to outfits for Jenny’s birthday, but she’s saved by a call from Rufus, who’s whining about never seeing his daughter. As Jenny deals with that, as well as her depression over the outfit issue (which has gotten so bad she’s thinking about cancelling her birthday plans with her friends out of fear of having nothing to wear that would meet their standards), she stumbles across the Holy Grail – a walk-in closet the size of my entire bedroom. Ten bucks she’ll be trying to shove some Prada up her dress by the end of the evening.

Meanwhile, Blair’s sitting alone at the restaurant Jenny told her, trying to not look as humiliated as she must feel. The hostess finally approaches her to try to gently get her the hell out so they can use the table. But Blair’s not just going to slink away, and orders dinner and another drink, as well as that the tables be separated – and places a call to Brooklyn with a sly smile on her face. As GG tells us, looks like our bitch is back!

True to my predictions, the next morning Jenny arrives at the world’s most upscale pawn shop, a red designer gown in tow. We learn that Jenny’s been pawning off stuff – her sewing machine, a lamp, that extra kidney – to get cash to buy the items necessary to survive in her new world, and thanks to her new career as a thief, she can now afford a great dress for tonight’s birthday party.

In the Bass limo, Chuck is busy planning Bart’s bachelor party all over Eastern Europe, while Eric (whom Chuck calls brother) listens excitedly and Bart himself barely pays attention. They pull up at school, but Bart asks Chuck to stay behind a few minutes when Eric hops out. Bart minces no words, and accuses Chuck of sending the box of porn to Serena, saying the childish, selfish prank nearly ruined things with Lily. Chuck again insists it wasn’t him. I’d also like to add that if a box of porn nearly ends your engagement, you might want to think twice about the marriage in the first place. Bart ignores Chuck’s protests and bribes his son by offering more controlling interest in the burlesque club if Chuck goes on good behavior. Hurt that his father has yet again treated him like shit, Chuck agrees, even though good behavior for him is only sleeping with two of the servants and limiting his drug intake to just pot.

Handcuffs?! Child’s play. At least give me the credit to send a double-ended dildo or something decent!

Serena’s already at school, and calls Blair to find out where she is. Blair cheerfully says she’s ditching today to help do some charity work, and lies and tells Serena that she decided not to go to dinner the night before because the girls need to work a little harder to earn her forgiveness. Serena’s all like… okay. Blair hangs up, and we see she’s actually come to talk to Rufus at his gallery. Then Blair generously offers to do whatever it is she can to help Rufus make Jenny’s birthday special. Interesting. What is she up to?

Over on Serena’s end, she’s immediately accosted by a delivery man who gives her three cases of champagne and takes off. It’s bad enough that the booze delivery man doesn’t ask to see her ID in general, but you’d think delivering it to a high school might have raised some red flags. Where was this guy when I was 18? Now the old Serena would have been ecstatic with this gift, but Serena 2.0 is pissed and gives a nearby, bewildered-looking Chuck the stink eye before stalking off again. Her classmates aren’t so indignant, and break into the stuff immediately. Best day of school ever!

Probably because it has too many calories or other nonsense, Jenny’s crew isn’t drinking any of the champagne when Jenny arrives, eager to show off her new dress. Now I don’t buy designer gowns, but I’ve been known to have a bag/sunglasses fetish – and designer items don’t come in clear dry cleaners bags. But the crew doesn’t notice the odd packaging, because they’re too busy focused on the latest scandal – Hazel’s maid totally stole a designer gown from their walk-in closet, and her ass is going to be fired and possibly arrested if it doesn’t turn up. Nice work, Little J.

So Jenny goes tearing back into the pawnshop, determined to make the proprietress trade Hazel’s mom’s dress back for the one Jenny got. But not so fast, Little J. The owner is a crafty old bitch, and knew that when she accepted Hazel’s mom’s dress it was worth seven times the amount of the dress Jenny got in return. As she snottily and accurately points out, it’s not her fault Jenny’s an idiot who doesn’t know the value of one designer brand compared to another. It’s called Google, Little J. Do your homework next time. Jenny tearfully calls Nate and asks for 8 grand to fix a mistake as she calls it. When Nate is stunned by the amount and its implications (drugs? A pimp?), Jenny tells him to forget it and hangs up – and then steals Hazel’s mom’s dress from the pawnshop. Okay. Stealing from a friend’s closet is super shady and wrong, but stealing from a store is jail. Idiot.

Also retarded? Attempts to conceal a floor-length gown under a knee-length jacket.

Serena’s arrived back at home, and is pulled aside by Lily to talk about the upcoming wedding. Turns out Dolores Umbridge called Lily about the champagne, and Lily now thinks Serena is acting out. By sending herself porn and booze? That’d be a really odd way to go about it. Serena argues that it’s Chuck doing these things to her, trying to not only get in good with the family, but make her look bad at the same time. This prompts a fight over the level of Chuck’s evilness between the ladies, which Bart overhears. Instead of defending his son, Bart merely asks what Chuck has done now, and Serena tattles away.

In the ghetto, Blair’s revenge is in full swing as Jenny walks in to a Pepto-Bismol themed surprise party with all of her friends – while she’s wearing Hazel’s mom’s dress underneath her jacket. Mortified and scared, Jenny runs into her room to change, with Rufus on her heels. Alone with Blair, the girls begin their catty remarks over the appearance of Jenny’s home and how they can’t wait to leave – which is just how Blair thought they’d react. Blair presses home her point by breaking out some Rice Krispie treats. I also love the pink streamers, and the cake with Jenny’s face on it is classic. You know that was so Blair’s idea. Poor, dumb Rufus.

Serena and Dan are cuddling outside the Palace, Serena triumphant over the look on Bart’s face when she revealed all the pranks Chuck’s been pulling on her. Poor Chuck is so screwed. As they giggle and simultaneously bore/nauseate me, Nate appears and asks to talk to Dan in private – revealing that Jenny is evidently a crackwhore who needs 8 grand immediately. Dan takes off for Brooklyn, leaving Nate to keep Serena company as she avoids going inside to face her family. She takes advantage of the opportunity to try to convince Nate to forgive Blair, which he good-naturedly ignores.

Pretty please! I’ll even let you borrow my new set of handcuffs…

Back at the best birthday party ever, Jenny is tearfully screeching at a concerned Rufus to get out of her room as she struggles to get Hazel’s mom’s dress off. It’s the clichéd stuck zipper that’s causing the problem, and Rufus comes forward to help her – leaving the bedroom door unlocked and ajar. Sure enough, all the girls come piling in moments later, and Little J is so busted. As Hazel and the other girls look on scornfully, Jenny fumbles with excuses and Blair can barely hide her delight that her revenge has taken such a delicious and unexpected turn. Smelling victory, Blair grabs her coat and exits… casually throwing out there that she has a table reserved in case there’s an after-party. Damn, I have such a girl-crush on Blair. She’s fucking awesome.

Needless to say, all the other girls immediately take off, leaving Rufus and Jenny alone. He starts off sympathetic, but soon begins angrily demanding where the dress came from. She doesn’t admit to stealing, but half-hysterically rants about what she’s had to do to fit in – selling off her possessions, eating her brown paper bag lunch in the bathroom and lying about not being hungry when the girls insist on a restaurant, etc. Rufus tries to tell her that she doesn’t need to do those things, but she insists she does unless she doesn’t want to have any friends – which is kind of a moot point at this juncture. Really, Blair, Serena and Jenny should form their own mini-clique, and blow those other bitches out of the water.

Back at the Palace, Nate has left and Eric has arrived home for another lecture from Serena to stay away from Chuck. Eric doesn’t quite tell her to mind her own damned business, but does say that he enjoys spending time with Chuck because Chuck doesn’t act like he’s a fragile, suicidal freak like so many people do. And he’s got amazing pecs. Eric hands Serena an envelope that Chuck found in the mail, but was afraid to give Serena himself, given her accusations. Serena rips it open and finds a little bag of cocaine, sending Serena in to yet another rage. All these reminders of how wild and awesome Serena used to be and just making me more annoyed than usual at 2.0.

Dan arrives home, and once he gets a look at the party decorations, he asks who turned 12. Not the time, Dan, not the time. He goes and finds Jenny in her room, but instead of lecturing or yelling at her, he merely suggests that they go out for ice cream since it’s her birthday, and tells her that she’s got so much more to offer than the other girls do. Dan steps out to ask Rufus about the ice cream idea, which Rufus vetoes but suggests they gather around for Jenny face cake instead. Only problem is… Jenny snuck out. To go meet Nate. To ask for a “favor.”

Would you mind sticking your penis in my vagina? I think it’ll really help my social standing.

Serena goes inside and storms up to Chuck, who’s wearing a lovely cardigan with sharks on it. She accuses him of the cocaine prank, and rages at him that it’s no wonder why he’s friendless and girlfriendless. After all, his father even expects the worst from him. Still filled with self-righteous anger, Serena declares that there have to be some house rules – only to learn that Bart has already kicked Chuck out, to go live alone in his suite again. Aww, I really liked Chuck and Serena’s interactions this episode! I really hope Bart relents quickly so Chuck can continue spreading his DNA onto more of Serena’s possessions.

Blair’s sitting alone at the same restaurant as the night before, shocked that her ploy hasn’t worked and the sheep haven’t returned to flock around their shepherd. This time the hostess isn’t quite as gentle with her request that Blair free up the table, basically saying “move, bitch!” Blair gets nasty right back, and just as she’s about to throw in the towel, well look who it is! Baaaa… the sheep are back, and it looks like so is our Queen B.

Once that ugly business with Chuck is over, Serena heads downstairs to join the rest of the family. She tries to greet Eric warmly, but he gives her a nasty look and jerks away, upset that his boy toy is gone. Serena pouts for a moment when yet another envelope arrives for her. She scans the card inside and is all like OMG and quickly leaves the room. She rushes over to Chuck’s suite and apologizes to a stunned and hurt Chuck. She knows now it wasn’t Chuck – it’s a mysterious G, whose revelation that she’s returning to town horrifies both Chuck and Serena, and prompts them to start hitting the booze, hard. Maybe it’s just me, but I think a friend who sends free porn, booze, and drugs sounds pretty awesome. At least for the old Serena.

Did I ever tell you I fucking love Shark Week?

But wait! There’s more! Turns out Blair’s return to power won’t be quite as smooth as she hoped, as Jenny arrives with Nate in tow while Blair and Isabel are up at the bar. At first I assumed Jenny was going to make a play for Nate herself, hoping that dating one of the most popular guys in school would give her enough status. But no, Jenny’s craftier than that… and presents poor Nate as a sacrificial offering to Penelope, who’s already licking her chops. Jenny takes Blair’s seat, and Blair returns just in time to hear Penelope and Hazel musing about how Hazel’s mom must have just given away that dress and not remembered. In other words – Jenny’s back in, and Blair’s back out.

Wow! So that’s it for our first post-strike episode! I thought it was pretty awesome. I loved the power struggles between Blair and Little J, and the interactions between Serena and Chuck. And we barely had to see any of Dan and Serena – which always makes for a good episode in my book. So what did you think? Who will ultimately come out on top – Blair or Jenny? Is there something more to Chuck and Eric’s interactions than just Eric wanting a brother? And what horrible dirt on Serena does Georgina have?