Gossip Girl: Revenge Is Sweet 16

Just another typical weekday morning on the Upper East Side. Serena and Blair chat on their cell phones before school. Blair also happens to be wearing a hat that makes her look a lot like this guy:

Don’t ever compare me to Blair.

Paddington Blair pretends to be at home with Dorota, but she’s actually across the street from Serena. What could she be up to? A taxi horn honks and Blair blames the noise on Dorota’s cold. Silly Dorota and her taxi cab cough. She should really get that looked at. Where is Paddington Blair off to?

Back in Brooklyn, Dan goes on and on about a story he wrote for the paper. Some kid even wrote him a fan letter about it. Rufus tells the kids they’re going over to Lily’s for breakfast because she wants to talk to them. I can’t figure out how everyone has all this time to change breakfast plans before school, plus they’re already dressed to the nines. I’m pretty sure when I was in high school I slept till the last minute and wore the same sweatshirt every day. Maybe mornings last longer on the East Coast. Vanessa stops by to tell Dan that Nate hasn’t called in a week. Hey wait, she got a text. He wants her to meet him at his place in half an hour. All is well!

Serena runs into Poppy on the street. They have that awkward how-have-you-been conversation which makes me dread my 10-year high school reunion this July. Poppy’s like, “My boyfriend’s hot and I live in Spain sometimes. What have you been up to?” Serena feels like a loser because nothing much has changed since the last time she saw Poppy. It doesn’t help that Poppy reinforces these beliefs.

My life is perfect! Viva Spain!

The poor kids and the rich kids are eating a leisurely breakfast at Lily’s with no concern for the time. What time does school start? Noon?! And why is everyone wearing ties? Big ties, little ties, sloppy ties, skinny ties. I smell a Dr. Gossip Girl Seuss book in the making.

Family Ties

After making small talk over toast and jam, the reason for the secret breakfast meeting reveals itself.

Serena/Lily: Surprise, Jenny! We’re throwing you the perfect sweet 16 party this weekend.

Jenny: No, thanks.

Lily: Okay, if that’s what you really want. We’ll just cancel everything and eat chili and play board games.

Finally everyone leaves for school. After the kids leave, Rufus opens Dan’s Yale packet. Financial Aid Status–DENIED! Sucks to be you, Ruf.

Dear Applicant, you’re poor, but not poor enough for us to care.

Welcome to Yale!

I was wrong about school starting. Everyone is just wandering the halls. Serena cries to her little brother about the cultural importance of turning 16 in a major way. Every culture has a sweet 16 party with booze and music and magic. It’s, like, a right of passage. She runs into three high school girls who tell her there’s another more awesome-er party going on so it’s good she canceled her dumb party. But Serena is not willing to give up so easily. Get Poppy on the phone!

Poppy, it’s time for Operation: Sweet 16.

Vanessa is all smiles as she stands across the street from Nate’s place. But wait a minute. Who’s that leaving his house? It’s Blair! A limo pulls up next to Vanessa and the window rolls down to reveal…Chuck.

Hello, Vanessa.

Chuck: I’m the one who sent the text to you. Nate’s password is always “soccer.” Duh. He’s predictable just like this plotline. Let’s do something about this. I mean about Blair and Nate. Not the plotline. There’s not much we can do about the plot. I love bow ties.

Chuck drives off without offering Vanessa a ride. When he gets to school he confronts Blair about the Nate situation. She is also wearing a bow tie. A Chippendale’s bow tie, I believe.

I can wear bow ties, too.

Don’t ever compare me to Blair.

Nate: Vanessa and I are gonna break up over dinner tonight. I promise. She deserves a long drawn out breakup conversation.

Serena and Poppy bring Jenny shopping for a fancy birthday dress because a fancy birthday dress is what one wears to a chili cookout/ board game night. While Jenny goes off to the dressing rooms, Poppy lays it out for Serena.

Chili cookout, here I come.

Poppy: Serena, your life is in a rut. Throw that bitch a party!

It’s settled. There will be a party. Serena gets on the phone to un-cancel everything. Who cares if Jenny doesn’t want an elaborate party. Who cares that she specifically requested a quiet evening of board games with the family. Serena has her social life to worry about.

Vanessa meets Nate at a restaurant for dinner. She barely sits down when he essentially says, “Let’s break up. There’s no one else by the way. In case you thought something is going on with Blair. There isn’t. So don’t think that.” Vanessa isn’t convinced.

Can you see the chips on my shoulders?

Blair is freaking out that Nate hasn’t shown up yet. He’s supposed to meet her after he breaks it off with Vanessa. Blair is dressed very prim and proper like an old schoolmarm with her hair pulled back. Nate finally shows up, kisses Little House on the Blairy on the forehead, and leaves. It’s late, he says. They can hang out another time.

You missed my lips, moron.

Blair is confused. Shouldn’t he want to stay? Shouldn’t there be sparks? Dorota brings out a bottle of champagne, but she’s too late. There will be no celebration. Sad Blair takes the bottle of champagne up to her room. Yay for underage drinking!

Vanessa shows up to Nate’s place where he is decked out in his finest Hugh Hefner robe. They discuss the “just friends” conspiracy between Nate and Blair. Those two are making fools of us, they proclaim. Well not anymore. Duhn duhn duhn!

Just when you think I can’t get any creepier…

The realtor calls the Humphrey house and accidentally spills the beans to Dan that his dad is gonna sell the loft. Dan quickly realizes the Brady Bunch implications this will have on his family. This is not good. And why would his dad be selling the loft?

Serena prepares for the Big Sweet 16 Blowout, while Blair blabs to her on the phone about her desire for Nate. He is my destiny, she confesses. At this point we all wish she’d pull a Back to the Future and say “density” instead. That would be so much more funny.

You are my density.

Dan and Jenny show up at Serena’s carrying a crock pot and stack of board games. As they walk to the elevator, Dan tells Jenny their Dad is selling the loft. What? She asks. Why? Who? When? Where?

I’ll be in college, he gloats. You’ll be moving on up. To the Eastside. Get it? Dan proceeds to recite the rest of The Jeffersons theme song, and Jenny accuses him of watching too many old sitcoms on hulu. Silly siblings. They’re mature enough to appreciate old sitcoms, but hip enough to reference hulu. They’re so well-rounded.

Jenny and Dan exit the elevator to find a party going on. Uh-oh. Not just games and chili anymore. Even the snotty girls at school showed up. In fact, they canceled their party when they heard Poppy was going to be there. Apparently this is a major party that revived both Jenny and Serena’s social status, but the party looks pretty boring to me. It’s a bunch of rich teens trying to act like boring adults. Where’s the chips and dip? Where are the kids snapping photos for their MySpace default pics? Where are the heated discussions about Twilight?! These kids are zombies.

I want my chili!

Needless to say, Jenny is pissed. When she asks for chili and board games with the family, she means it! She gets back at Serena by inviting everyone in the world to the party via the Gossip Girl website.

Chuck is in the elevator with Vanessa, staring at her like a piece of meat. When they get to the party they see Nate and Blair talking. What are they doing here? Vanessa wonders. What do we do? Vanessa gets her revenge by pulling Chuck in close and kissing him. Yuck. How that guy gets so much action, I’ll never know. I’d rather kiss Weird Al.

Slowly but surely, Jenny’s post on Gossip Girl brings in a bunch of lower class kids. They’re asking for beer for God’s sake! And they’re dancing! Next thing you know they’ll be eating chili and playing board games. Serena is freaking out.

Meanwhile, Nate and Vanessa are arguing again. Blair whisks him away into the bedroom and proceeds to seduce him. “Let’s be friends!” he suggests. She is not pleased. He reaches out to run his fingers through her hair, which is kind of weird considering it’s back in a ponytail. She’s pulls back. “Only my boyfriend gets to touch my hair.” OooOOooOOooh, them’s fightin’ words.

Do NOT touch the hair.

Dan and Serena are making her bed (because some of those poor rowdy kids were having sex in it) when they find out something is awry downstairs. The door man is freaking out because a crowd of hooligans is banging down the doors.

Why am I dressed like a pilot?

The crowd clears quickly once the cops show up. And right behind the cops are Rufus and Lily. Gulp! Someone’s getting grounded.

One of you must die.

Rufus and Lily learn that maybe their Brady Bunch dreams aren’t a good idea. They try to guess which kid is to blame for the punks at the party. Actually their only guess is Serena. Finally Jenny pipes up.

Jenny: I wanted chili and she threw me a party! So I invited everyone.

As the kids disperse, Dan lets on that he knows Rufus is selling the loft. Oh, parenthood. Just one crazy thing after another.

Serena meets up with Poppy at a swanky bar (yay for underage drinking!) and Poppy convinces her to go to Spain. It’s the place where dreams come true. You can come with me and my hot boyfriend. Ps. Serena needs to brush her hair.

I’m too rich to brush my hair.

Rufus and Lily officially decide not to move in together. But what about Yale? Dan’s been eavesdropping.

Dan: What about Yale?

Rufus: Um, you’re not getting financial aid.

Dan: Oh.

Rufus: Stay positive. Everything will work out.

Dan: Okay, Dad!

It’s a Brady Bunch ending after all.

Blair drags Dorota through the snowy park to complain about how much she misses Nate. They have a loaf of bread for feeding the ducks. A whole bag! I get bored feeding ducks after two slices, and I usually just rip them in half before tossing them on the ground.

Dorota, you have to carry the bread because you’re the help. That’s how it works.

Dorota is positive that Blair will be happy soon, and before you know it, there’s Nate! He called to find out where Blair’s favorite spot is because that’s where he wanted to share their first kiss. Awww. Her favorite place is a quaint spot at the park where she can feed ducks? Funny, I thought her favorite spot was inside the pants of someone else’s boyfriend. Oh! Yeah, I just went there. They make out and everyone is happy. Even frozen Dorota.

Does my hair make me look like Zac Efron?

Poppy’s hot boyfriend, Gabriel, meets Serena and he mentions they’ve met before. He probably wants her, which is going to be pretty interesting since the three of them will be in Spain together. Oh well. What happens in Spain stays in Spain, right?

Me with two hot chicks in Spain? Ah, yeah.