Gossip Girl: Say Uncle!

Happy 2009 and welcome to the first Gossip Girl recap of the new year! I hope you all had a fabulous holiday, and are as excited as I am for our favorite shows to get back up and running!

Nevermind Chuck. He’s still upset he didn’t get that pony he asked for.

We open with Gossip Girl catching us up on the goings-on of our favorite UESiders. Serena is shown tangoing with a bunch of dirty old men in Buenos Aires, Pube-Face Aaron nowhere in sight. Dan spent new years alone, likely writing short stories he can send to his enemies to make them want to kill themselves. Little J, meanwhile, has finally realized how fug her designs are and has decided to go back to school. Unfortunately, she has yet to realize how fug her hair is. One step at a time, I suppose. Blair’s latest obsession is getting into the Colony Club, which is some high society ladies organization. C’mon, B, aren’t you a bit young to turn into some cashmere-and-pearls weari– nevermind. As for Chuck, he’s been MIA since the day after the funeral, but Bart’s brother, Jack, is off scouring the globe looking for him. And it looks like he’ll hit jackpot in Thailand, as we see Chuck enjoying some quality time with some quality Thai hookers. Ten bucks Uncle Jack is a perv, by the way. First, he’s a Bass. That’s enough right there. On top of that, he’s an uncle. Uncles are always perverts. Just watch any Lifetime movie.

With that quick catch-up, we see Rufus arriving home early one morning, back from an unsuccessful trip to locate a sculptor or a painter who may be a man or woman but definitely fell out of Lily’s vagina. Clueless as always, Dan doesn’t seem to really note the inconsistencies in Rufus’s story, and agrees to letting Rufus go with him to school. Then again, maybe Dan just chalked it up to thinking Rufus is retarded, like all of us do.

Blair’s busy practicing her Colony Club kiss-assing spiel with Dorota while insisting that with the new year, she will no longer be encumbered by thoughts of Mr. Chuck. Well she better hold that thought, for just then Uncle Jack texts her that he’s found Chuck and is on his way to the apartment. Hmm, Uncle Jack seems to have made himself comfortable with Chuck’s affairs if he not only has Blair’s number, but knows to text her upon arrival. Despite what she just said about it being a new year, Blair snaps at Dorota that they will have to talk about the Colony Club on the way to Chuck’s — and then refuses to wait for our favorite maid and lets the elevator doors close in Dorota’s face. Guess “be nicer to the help” wasn’t one of B’s resolutions.

“Oh, Miss Blair! I so excited for you to join Club! Maybe I make new servant friends! Mr. Chuck’s servants all banged Mr. Bart. I not approve.”

At school, Eric is quizzing Jenny on whether she’s ready to face Penelope and the other minions when Nelly Yuki runs up, thrilled to the rims of her Smurf-blue glasses that Jenny has returned. And wherever one minion is, you know the others are close by. Sure enough, Penelope leads the rest of the crew over to bitch at Nelly for daring to speak to Jenny, and to warn Nelly she will be punished for this brief defection and original thought. Disgusted, Jenny tries to tell Nelly she doesn’t have to take their shit, but Nelly is too scared of Penelope to consider a full-out rebellion such as not wearing a winter white coat after receiving the memo. As Nelly scurries away, Eric pleads with Jenny not to get involved, which you so know is gonna happen.

Blair and Dorota arrive at Chuck’s apartment just as the limo pulls up and Uncle Jack alights. Mmm, hello Uncle Jack! He begins making small talk in a flirty way with Blair (interesting…), who quickly gets pissed and demands to see Chuck. With a sly grin, Jack turns and literally drags a barely-conscious Chuck out of the limo. Glad to see Ed Westwick’s still working that drunk-and-dishelved hot thing. They disappear inside, and Blair barely holds herself together, snapping at Dorota for following her (despite demanding that she do so earlier), and ordering her home to prepare for a party for the Colony Club ladies. Sometimes I really wonder what’s in Dorota’s job description. It certainly isn’t cleaning.

After Rufus sees Dan off to school, he receives a phone call from an adoption agency telling him that they’ve had no luck in locating the bastard, and he’s going to have to ask Lily for more information. Inside, Dan runs into Serena, who wastes no time telling him she dumped Pube-Face (YAAAAY) and found out from Lily that Lily and Rufus won’t be boning anytime soon, so she and Dan are in the clear. And then they begin sucking face in the middle of the hall. Swell. Nothing like thinking about my parents’ sex life to get me in the mood at 8:00 a.m.

“Lucky for you, Serena, I kept my high horse warm in the barn these past few months, and he’s all ready to go.”

After dislodging Dan’s tongue from where it had wrapped around her liver, Serena finds Blair in the hall and races over to greet her. Serena asks if Chuck has been located, and Blair confirms he’s back, sarcastically adding that she’s surprised he made it through customs since his body odor could have given a contact high to half of Manhattan. LOL. Getting serious, Blair admits she told Chuck she loves him, declaring it a huge, awful mistake when Serena reacts positively. Are we really supposed to believe Blair has waited a month to tell Serena this? I’m pretty sure Serena was staying at a joint nice enough to have internet access, and it’s not like either of these bitches can’t afford an international phone call. Okay, sorry, logical thought relegated to the back burner again. Serena assures Blair that Chuck will say it once he gets his shit together, but Blair doesn’t look too convinced and admits “there’s something else.” But before she can spill what sounds like a big secret (!!!), Dan quickly returns to his old ways of annoying the piss out of me by interrupting for another pre-English grope session with Serena. Blair stares in horror and leaves, announcing she has to go vomit. Ditto.

Lily arrives at the gallery to speak to Rufus, where some other chick than Vanessa is manning the espresso bar. Thank God we won’t have to deal with her in this episode. Although she should be pretty worried about this other barista since she has absolutely no life outside that job. Rufus immediately demands to know where his kid is — but in a really bizarre Scottish or Irish accent. Did anyone else hear that? I’ve listened to it ten times and the jackass sounds like Gerald O’Hara. Lily lets it slip that the bastard is male, and asserts that it’s not fair for Rufus to go chasing after the kid and force his way into the kid’s life. I’m not sure I agree with that in general, but with these two birth parents, I definitely do. The adopted parents could have rubbed the kid down with a t-bone steak and a splash of A1 before tossing him in the lion exhibit at the zoo and done a better job at parenting.

Across town, Jenny and Eric are eating froyo and watching Penelope and the currently-favored minions exact their punishment on Nelly Yuki. This evidently involves treating Nelly like their servant, making her literally wipe their feet. Pissed, Jenny storms over to their table to yank Nelly out of Penelope’s grasp, much to everyone but Eric’s surprise. Rattled that Jenny stood up to her, Penelope quickly shakes if off by ordering the midget Hazel on shoe-wiping duty. Looks like someone’s been demoted.

“The patriotic look is in this month, okay? We saw it in Vogue.”

Chuck has managed to pull himself slightly together and has now shown up at school, where he is lighting a joint. Blair spies him and yells at him to put it out, which Chuck responds to in a flat, disembodied voice that’s downright creepy. Blair evidently is also shaken by it, and she grabs his face to get him to focus on her while demanding if he has anything to say to her. You know, like “I love you.” He merely stares at her, and she whispers “Who are you?” More blank staring ensues, and then the headmistress gets jealous that she can’t wake and bake too, and busts Chuck. Ruh roh.

Rufus arrives home and finds Dan and Serena about to expand the family even further with another bastard. Rufus rather rudely throws Serena out so he can pout and play that “Run Away” song over and over. RUUUUN, S! Serena takes the not-so-subtle hint and skedaddles, which pisses the hell out of Dan. Rufus merely says it’s not a good idea for Dan to be banging Serena. However, if Dan wants to go pork that tranny on the corner, that’s okay. See, that’s what good parenting is all about. Setting limits. How dare Lily prevent Rufus from imparting such wisdom on another of his spawn?

Back at school, Chuck and Blair are meeting with the headmistress about his little pot incident, with Blair claiming she is there to represent his interests since Chuck’s a mess and Lily’s out trying to get Rufus to father another bastard child with her. Uncle Jack shows up moments later, whom Chuck merrily greets, not remembering any of their journey from Thailand. Annoyed by Jack’s presence, Blair nonetheless continues to rigorously defend her client, pleading insanity. Who knew Blair Waldorf — Attorney at Law would ever be a possibility? Despite Chuck’s nonchalance, the headmistress agrees to let him off the hook if he promises nothing like this will ever happen again. Well, does lighting another joint right now in the headmistress’s office count? Yes, yes it does, and Chuck is suspended despite Blair’s efforts.

“My apologies, Headmistress. Where are my manners? Would you like the first toke?”

The next morning in the ghetto, both Dan and Rufus are still pouting over who gets to bang a VDW lady next, leaving Little J confused by the cold front. Jenny strongly encourages Rufus to approve of Serena, since she’s by far the best thing that will ever happen to Dan. Agreed. Dan accuses Rufus of being pissy because of Lily, while Jenny frantically begs to know what the hell is going on. Rufus’s moobs wiggle in annoyance and he refuses to explain, snottily informing the kids that they’re going to be late for school instead.

Later at school, Jenny’s giving Blair a run for her money for Constance Billard in-house counsel as she presents her argument for why Penelope and the minions should stop treating Nelly Yuki like crap. The latest torts appear to be intentional infliction of emotional distress and trespass to chattel, as the minions have broken Nelly’s smurf glasses, forcing her to adorably tape them together in the middle. Blair, who has now assumed the role of judge, disinterestedly listens to Penelope’s rebuttal, then declares that she has better things to worry about with the Colony Club hags coming to her place that evening. With that, Blair storms off without coming to a decision. Stunned, the minions try to regroup, Penelope insisting that the only way Nelly is leaving is in a body bag while Jenny rolls her eyes a few feet away. “God, P, tone down the crazy!” the midget Hazel scoffs. Haha, no kidding. I love Hazel.

Meanwhile, Serena and Dan are roaming the halls aimlessly, thankfully not sucking face but instead whining about their parents’ drama again. Could these two BE any more boring? Thankfully, Blair appears and somberly asks to speak to Serena, which causes Dan to get the hell out of there before B starts breathing fire at him. Once alone, Blair shakily recounts the meeting with the headmistress, insisting that when she looked in Chuck’s eyes, she couldn’t see him anymore. When Blair actually begins to cry, Serena realizes how serious B is, and vows to help her if Chuck hasn’t snapped out of it by later that evening. Maybe it’s just me, but I felt this scene came a little out of left field. Sure Chuck’s been acting strange, but he was all stoned and depressed in the meeting. Seems a bit melodramatic of Blair to declare she couldn’t “see” him anymore. I’m starting to wonder if Blair is just as messed up as Chuck is, if not worse, at this point.

“He didn’t once leer at my chest or even suggest I blow him under the table. Something’s seriously wrong, I tell you!”

That afternoon, Penelope, Hazel and Iz arrive at the same froyo shop from earlier to find Jenny, Eric and Nelly Yuki sitting at THEIR table. I was really hoping they’d utilize Iz’s token black girl status here for a well-timed “Oh no she dint!”, but no dice. They storm over, Penelope announcing that Iz is going to count to three before they go all Chuck Norris on their asses. And by Chuck Norris, I mean they’ll call Jenny fat and point out Nelly’s wearing last season’s Prada shoes. Iz counts to one, and stands there struggling to figure out what comes next as all sorts of Constance students spill into the shop and grab tables while Jenny smirks. Realizing she’s momentarily defeated, Penelope directs the minions out of there (with Iz uncertainly guessing 3 follows 2), placing a phone call to Daddy to report she’s being bullied by a poor girl with a bad haircut. The horror!

Blair has now showed up at Victrola, the burlesque club that set the scene for her and Chuck’s first, well, everything. She finds him there, entertaining several cellulite-ridden ladies and enjoying the VIP treatment since he’s the owner once again after purchasing it the night before. Blair pleads with him to go home, her voice and demeanor still very fragile and thisclose to a nervous breakdown. He refuses, stating he’s merely living up to what Bart thought was the limit of his potential. “It’s time to let go of your fantasies,” he tells her, then cruelly adding, “Is that it? Or were you going to tell me you love me again?” She quivers and attempts to snap, “Why did you even come back?” but it’s too weak to be convincing. She leaves, looking like a hot emotional mess while Chuck’s features settle into a combination of guilt and self-loathing.

Dan and Serena have arrived in the ghetto to ransack the place for evidence of why Lily and Rufus came to a screeching halt just as things appeared to be perfect. But before they can find anything, Blair texts Serena, begging for S to come to her. Serena goes, leaving Dan to search alone — and find the number of an adoption agency.

“Okay, I know he’s pissed at me, but he doesn’t need to go all Lucille Bluth and order up another kid.”

Blair arrives home basically in a daze, seemingly unconcerned when Dorota worriedly informs her that the Colony Club ladies will be there any minute. B makes her way to her room, sits in front of her mirror and begins sobbing for a few moments — before eerily putting on a mask of complete composure. Seriously, our girl is starting to lose it, guys. Serena gets there shortly thereafter in response to the earlier urgent text, but Blair’s creepy composed face insists it was a false alarm, and that worrying about Chuck is no longer her problem. Confused, Serena accuses Blair of abandoning Chuck for a bunch of society hags (who are arriving in the background), and Blair icily responds that she’s not abandoning Chuck — she’s merely saving herself. I don’t think Serena has any right to accuse Blair of abandoning Chuck. She’s his stepsister and we haven’t even seen her TRY to talk to him. And don’t get me started on Nate.

Back at school (is this still the same day? What time is it? Why are people still there?), Jenny comes out of the headmistress’s office to inform Eric and Nelly Yuki that she’s been accused of bullying. Frustrated, she rhetorically asks why Penelope won’t let Nelly quit the minions, and Nelly surprisingly responds that it’s likely because Penelope wouldn’t want Nelly telling people that Penny’s banging her dad’s junior partner. Whoopsie. Scenting victory, Jenny sweetly asks Nelly how much she knows.

Dan goes to the gallery to ask Rufus about the adoption agency, and Rufus stupidly asks if Chuck spilled the secret. Rufus asks for more time before he can explain, and Dan snottily insists they’re past that, and storms out. I don’t even know who’s right here, because they both annoy me so much I don’t want to side with either one of them. Knowing from Gossip Girl that Chuck’s having a party at Victrola that night to celebrate his re-acquisition, and Dan heads there to question Chuck about the adoption agency. After wryly musing to himself that he was going to keep Lily’s secret, Chuck agrees to answer Dan’s questions, stating this makes them even for Dan burying the arson story about Bart. And so Chuck spills it all, warning Dan that when Serena finds out, it will be completely over between them. Ooh! Tell Serena! Tell Serena!

“Dude, even I wouldn’t bang a girl I shared a sibling with. And this is coming from a guy who’s pretty sure some of those Thai hookers had adam’s apples.”

Meanwhile, Blair’s having tea with the Colony Club ladies, which is basically Penelope and the minions 30 years later in pastel argyle and cooters as dry as sawdust. After exchanging some bullshit about charity work (which in these circles means giving money away because you wouldn’t want to sully yourself by mingling with the middle class or –GASP– minorities), the main hag snootily asks if that was Serena they saw leaving earlier. Blair admits it was, and the hags begin making catty comments about Serena’s frequent appearances on Page 6 and her evident enjoyment of necklines cut to the aerola. They have a point, and must have seen pictures for the Yale weekend. Blair uncomfortably downplays her friendship with Serena, and then the hags begin shit talking Chuck and Bart, calling Bart’s death a “mercy kill.” Ouch. Evidently for Blair, calling Serena a trashy slut is one thing, but insulting Chuck is another, as B stands up and announces she’s leaving because Chuck needs her. She orders Dorota to see to their coats as she flounces out the door, and Dorota fabulously smirks at the hags in satisfaction. She wouldn’t want to be friends with any of their servants anyway.

At Victrola, Chuck’s beginning to hallucinate/fall into a complete trance when Eric finds him and asks him to come home. Okay, I know Chuck, Serena, Blair, etc., never get carded and can get into any club, but Eric?? The kid looks 12, and I doubt Chuck did anything to help Eric gain entrance given Chuck’s anti-VDW stance right now. Sorry, that pesky logic’s rearing it’s head again. Anyway, Chuck ignores Eric’s pleas, grabs a bottle of booze and announces he’s going to the roof — telling Eric it was nice having him as a little brother. Eric just stands there. Umm, Eric? Depressed Chuck + booze + rooftop + cryptic goodbye message = not really a good situation, I’m thinking. Seeing as though Eric has attempted suicide himself, you’d think he’d realize that too. C’mon, you’re supposed to be the smart VDW, not that that’s saying much.

Instead of preventing Chuck from taking a possible header off the roof, Eric instead heads outside after receiving a text from Jenny. There he finds Penelope, smirking at Jenny that Little J should be busy cleaning out her locker since she’s a big, bad bully. Unfazed, Jenny smiles sweetly back and informs Penny that she just finished writing a GG post — that not only includes the fact that Penny’s banging the junior partner, but that the midget Hazel hooked up with her cousin (twice!) and that Iz did something unspeakable (I’m betting it’s she shopped at Old Navy). Unless Penelope takes back her bullying claim and leaves Nelly Yuki alone, Jenny will send it all to GG. Defeated, Penelope agrees. Jenny starts walking away, only to be stopped and informed that since she’s the new Queen, they need direction on what to do next. Stunned and amused, Jenny insists she doesn’t want that title (why not? take it!), while Penelope’s lip curls in disgust as she tries to comprehend Jenny was only helping Nelly to be nice. It’s a foreign concept to Penny, somewhat like drugstore makeup, public transportation and flying coach. Announcing she’s bored, Penelope stomps off with Hazel and Iz — leaving Nelly to admit to Jenny that she also thought Jenny was making a play for Queen. Turns out Nelly was only willing to break away from Penelope in order to be number 2 under Jenny instead of number 4 under Penny. As Jenny stares in shock, Nelly runs after Penelope to reclaim her position before a new minion is selected from the masses. Haha. See, Jenny, being good is pointless. Be evil! It makes you much more tolerable.

“WHAT? It’s not like he’s my brother!”

Rufus is now at the VDW place, informing Lily that Dan either knows or soon will know about the bastard, so the jig is up. Rufus tries to leave quickly, but Lily breaks down and explains she gave the child away because she wasn’t ready. He clarifies that he’s pissed at her not because she gave the kid up, but because she kept it a secret. This for some reason makes Lily relent finally, and she tells him she will tell him anything he wants about the kid.

Serena and Dan run into each other at Victrola, and Dan tells her he needs to talk to her privately. They head outside to talk as Blair arrives and is immediately stopped by Uncle Jack. Jack seems a bit drunk, and puts his hand familiarly on Blair’s shoulder while trying to talk to her. She angrily shoves it off, and Jack puts his arm around an approaching Eric instead. Okay, maybe I’m wrong on a possible Jack-Blair creepy thing going on. Or maybe Jack’s a bisexual statutory rapist. They find out from Eric that Chuck’s on the roof, and they head up there — only to find a wasted Chuck stumbling on the ledge of the roof, singing to himself and barely managing to stay alive. Jack tries to talk Chuck down from the ledge, making a tactical error in saying that Bart wouldn’t want this. This sets Chuck off, as should have been expected, and Blair rushes forward to get through to him. She tells him that she couldn’t bear being without him, so whatever he wants to do to himself, don’t do it to her. She holds out her hand, and after a few moments, he takes it and lets her pull him off the ledge. Falling into her arms, he softly says “I’m sorry,” as she tries to comfort him and Jack watches.

Serena and Dan are now outside, thankfully no longer running the risk of being covered with Chuck guts any moment. Just as Dan’s about to tell Serena about the bastard, his phone rings. Is there an unspoken rule in the UES that you must always answer your cell phone, no matter the importance of the situation? Sure enough, Dan cuts himself off to answer the call, which is from Rufus, telling Dan that he and Lily are leaving right now to look for the bastard, and instructing him not to tell Serena because Lily wants to tell her herself. Dan reluctantly agrees, which is the right thing to do, and makes up some bullshit when Serena asks him what he needed to tell her. I wonder how long it will take for this to blow up in their faces?

Well, that explains how Serena is able to tolerate arrogant blow-hards like Aaron and Dan. She’s evidently DEAF.

By now, Blair and Jack have gotten Chuck in a limo to go home. Closing the door so Chuck can’t hear (not that he’s sober enough to remember anything anyway), Jack assures Blair he will look after Chuck. Unimpressed, Blair informs Jack that she doesn’t trust him. He looks at her and reminds her that she doesn’t have a choice. Swallowing, Blair half declares/half begs, “He can’t know what happened… on new year’s…” Oh SHIT. Jack ignores that and merely says goodnight before getting in the limo himself, leaving B standing on the street alone.

Well that’s it for the first episode of 2009! What did you think? Did Blair and Jack really hook up? Are you glad Jenny’s back at Constance? Should she have accepted the Queen position? Did you miss Nate or Vanessa at all this week? Are you as ready as I am for Chuck to return to normal? Are Serena and Dan doomed already? And are you excited about the bastard, or is this too cliched of a plotline (I’m leaning towards the latter)?