Gossip Girl: Serena Finally Grows a Pair

Well guys, since it’s already Sunday night and there’s a new episode on tomorrow night, this week’s extremely late Gossip Girl recap’s going to be dedicated to Hazel — it’s a midget recap.

Blair needs to really reconsider her “O” face.

Blair wants to have sex with JaMarcus, but he turns her down. And Brits wonder why they’re stereotyped as being effeminate.

“I’m sorry, darling, but you’re a delicate flower, and I want it to be special… with Eric, evidently.”

Since she always has her shit together, Jenny advises that Vanessa say to hell with pride, and call Nate even though he blew her off last week to be Catherine’s gigolo. And hell, if that doesn’t work out, V can always get the hot beef injection from her dad.

Catherine has dragged Nate shopping, and is enjoying dressing him up like a little Yorkie she’s going to shove in her Louis Vuitton. He has the same desperate, mad gleam in his eye I see on my neighbor’s Chihuahua when he’s wearing a matching Burberry sweater and booties. His scintillating pillow talk has included telling her where Cappy McDouche is hiding out, which she teasingly threatens to reveal if he doesn’t try on this darling sweater vest. Vanessa calls and Nate happily makes plans to see her, while lying to Catherine and saying it was CrazyEyes Archibald.

“I better do some more Kegel exercises before our lunch date tomorrow. That shit ain’t gonna stay tight on its own.”

Serena and Dan have been secretly humping all over at least two boroughs, and just as they decide to break the news to everyone at this episode’s big party, an uggo Gossip Girl minion photographs them licking livers and broadcasts it citywide. Jenny and Rufus are excited, Blair is disgusted, and Chuck is well… Chuck. Who the hell knows?

Nate and Vanessa hang out, and even though he promises not to blow her off again, his gigolo schedule makes finding alone time difficult. At least alone time when he’s not smelling of cougar spray. Speaking of cougars, Catherine has now evolved from paying for sex to full-fledged stalker, and she witnesses Nate and V holding hands and acting flirty on the street. Kill Vanessa! Please!

Serena and Blair hang out, and Blair gloats that JaMarcus hasn’t pressured her about sex, not even once. That’s what happens with your boyfriend’s gay, B. You and Jenny should get coffee and compare notes. Serena gets pissed when Blair doesn’t congratulate her on getting back together with Dan — hell, even Duroda did (love it that Duroda gets GG blasts). Blair correctly tells her that until Serena and Dan talk through their problems from last season, it doesn’t count. Catherine then calls Blair to find out who the tacky whore hanging out with Nate is, and Blair is happy to help.

“Hmm, as for number 8 on the list of men who will fuck me… I know! A-rod! He did bang Madonna, after all, and she’s like the Cryptkeeper.”

Nate goes and douchily asks Chuck for the money Chuck offered to give him last week. Turns out Chuck doesn’t have that money anymore, so Nate’s gonna have to keep making that cougar purr. Chuck mentions that he’s been “off his game” lately, as an Asian flight attendant prostitute arrives. At least now we know what happened to all that cash.

Jenny’s working at Eleanor Waldorf, cleaning up model bulimia residue and hemming what must be a Hester Prynne Halloween costume. Jenny hates the dress, and tells the heinous Laurel it’s fug. Laurel’s finally realized that Tinsley Mortimor’s a useless hag and no one to kiss Jenny’s ass over, so she tells Jenny to STFU and go clean vomit.

Serena whines to Dan about Blair, while both still dodge the concept of talking about their problems. When Lily (miss you!) calls Serena, she steps away for a few moments and leaves Dan to be ambushed by three preteen twits who will surely be coke whores and/or barefoot and pregnant by age 19. They got the GG blast, and the two little brunettes flirtatiously scold him for taking Serena’s skanky, man-killing ass back, while the adorable blonde sides with S and gives him dirty looks. Serena comes back over and mini-Serena yells at her that Dan’s mouth touched Georgina’s and she should think about the next time they hook up. I officially like mini-Serena better than the real thing. Realizing that recess is almost over, the preteens scoot and Dan and Serena awkwardly agree to talk later.

“Mini-Serena sure was cute. I wonder how young is too yo– Great. Now I’m an insufferable prick AND a child molester.”

Nate and Vanessa are hanging out again, but Catherine keeps texting and interrupting them as they go to kiss. Thank god. Vanessa gets unreasonably snide and pissy about it — aka her usual charming self — just as Blair arrives to invite V to this episode’s party. N and V are understandably suspicious, since Blair hates Vanessa’s trashtastically 80s ass. In private, B tells Nate she wants him and Vanessa to be together, since it’s a helluva lot better than him banging her gay boyfriend’s stepmom. The dumbass buys it, and after he and Vanessa agree to go, Blair steps outside and calls Catherine to confirm Vanessa will be in attendance at the party. Kill! Kill! Kill!

Serena arrives at Chuck’s just as the Asian Sensation leaves. He assures her that nothing happened — since Mr. Chuckie evidently hasn’t wanted to come out and play all week. When Serena coos that it’s because he’s not over Blair, he insists he doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body — least of all that one, with a meaningful glance down. LOL. But this does give him the idea of banging Blair again, “just to clear the pipes.” Serena yells at him that he “cannot use Blair as sexual Draino!”, but Chuck’s mind is made up.

Back at Eleanor Waldorf, Jenny’s still shooting her mouth off over the dress even a Puritan would call frumpy when the big E herself walks in and overhears. Jenny quickly apologizes, but Eleanor fires her anyway. Haha, suck it little J. Those stupid Humphrey kids — maybe they wouldn’t be so goddamned poor if their own arrogance didn’t get them fired from every job they get.

“Oh! And tell your brother Blair said Serena said it was like THIS! She’s seen cocktail wienies that were bigger.”

While jogging, Nate runs into JaMarcus (unfortunately not literally), who casually mentions Catherine will be attending the party tonight as well. Nate then calls Vanessa and cancels on her, because, well, he’s a pussy and getting paid to focus all his attention on a different pussy than Vanessa’s. She’s in the ghetto when she gets the message, and is consoled by Rufus while I die a little inside. Long story short, Rufus warns Dan he may start dating soon, looks down Vanessa’s cleavage a few times, then encourages her to pretend she never got Nate’s message and go to the party anyway. He’s such an awesome role model.

The party finally begins, and Chuck wastes no time seeking out that Draino he needs. Finding Blair, he verbally seduces her while she fights to remain passive and indifferent. Stepping behind her, he rubs his lips on her neck and ears, murmuring naughty things to her, while she looks like her knees are about to give out any second. He directly asks her to have sex with him, and while she snaps out a quick denial, you can tell she wants to, very much. Finally gathering her composure a little bit, she stalks away from him while he smiles smugly. He knows he’s fatally wounded her. Now he just needs to wait and watch her stagger around for a bit before she finally drops dead.

Dan arrives to pick Serena up at her place, and it’s horribly awkward as they brilliantly get in an elevator right after the lights begin flicker. Meanwhile, Catherine finds Nate at the party and begs him not to be mad at her for being an old, manipulative hag — just as Vanessa arrives and catches them holding hands and looking very suspicious. Way to be subtle, guys. Morons, all of them. As Vanessa turns to run away in disgust and seek comfort from her old Jem and the Holograms tapes, the power blows out.

Nelly Yuki!

Nate tracks her down and finally realizes that certain conversations should be had in private. He takes her into a side room and admits he’s banging that hot piece of cougar. Vanessa tearfully tells him she “didn’t sign up for some creepy love triangle with [him] and someone’s mom!” No, but you are gonna sign up for some creepy sex with you and someone’s dad, so STFU. He explains he’s doing it for money — cause that makes this sound better — but she stays to listen to his explanation because she’s a desperate, pathetic idiot.

Catherine asks Blair where Nate and Vanessa ran off to, and Blair basically tells Catherine she should just schedule the face lift and stop embarrassing herself. Undaunted, Catherine explains that Nate makes her feel alive, and slyly asks if JaMarcus is giving Blair everything she needs. Obviously not, and Chuck sniffs the air as he smells flesh blood coming from his prey.

Stuck in the elevator as they deserve for being idiots, Dan calls for help while Serena looks on with an odd expression on her face. He notices it and crankily demands to know what she’s thinking. Reluctantly she says he probably should have dropped her name during that call, since they’d probably move faster knowing there was a tenant, and not some random poor kid, trapped. Dan breaks out the high horse we haven’t seen in a record episode-and-a-half and snidely asks if there’s a special “open in case of Serena VDW” box just for her rich ass. He snottily calls again and drops her name, trying to prove Serena wrong, but of course she’s right. Hahahaha, douche.

“Don’t you dare tell anyone I just took a dump in that corner. I never would have eaten Indian food for dinner if I’d thought I’d be trapped in an elevator.”

Jenny’s trying to leave Eleanor Waldorf’s, but big E won’t let her go since it’s dangerous with the blackout. C’mon, let her go! Better yet, call Vanessa and ask her to come meet Jenny. In a predictable twist not worth dwelling on, Eleanor suddenly asks Jenny’s advice on the hideous dress, and decides Jenny’s totally right. Zzz.

Back to Nate and Vanessa, he’s explained everything and of course she’s like oh, well in that case, no biggie! She tells him to end it and that she’ll be waiting for him. She’ll find a snap bracelet or a Skip-it or some other 80s shit in her bag to entertain her while she waits. How bout that loaded handgun in the desk drawer? Just sayin’. But before Nate can find Catherine, she uses her special cougar senses to track down Vanessa first. As V puts down her Teddy Ruxpin, Catherine tells her that she truly cares about Nate, and will do anything to keep him.

Blair is finally collapsing from the blow Chuck dealt her, and she grabs JaMarcus and insists he come upstairs and fuck her right. now. Confused, he agrees to meet her in her bedroom in a few minutes, and she runs upstairs — with Chuck stalking closely behind. Blair is sitting on the bed, facing away from the door, when Chuck enters and instructs her to blow out the candle. Pretending to be JaMarcus, Chuck uses a British accent. Of course, this is Ed Westwick’s actual accent and it makes me want him even more than usual. Mmm. Before complying, Blair pauses and gulps a bit, which I’m definitely taking to mean she knows it’s Chuck immediately. Yaaaay!

“JaMarcus? Chuck? Who is this? This better not be you again, Duroda. We’ve talked about that.”

At EW, Jenny and Eleanor are quickly becoming pals. Next! Serena and Dan are now fully fighting in the elevator, as he becomes more and more insecure and ridiculous over things that aren’t her fault. Determined to escape before the Serena VDW rescue squad arrives, he tries to crawl out of the ceiling while hurling insults at her. Hmm, he could get electrocuted doing that. Keep crawling, Dan! Serena FINALLY grows a pair and says “But why are you always right?!” He indignantly replies “No, I never said that!” — before falling flat on his ass! I don’t know about you, but I literally cheered out loud. Karma is a bitch, and so are you, Humphrey. After she helps him up, they finally come to accept that he’s never going to stop judging her, and they mutually break up without having to say any words. YAY! This may be the best Dan/Serena scene ever.

The lights come on as Nate returns to find Catherine waiting for him instead of Vanessa, poor Teddy’s jaw ripped off and one eyeball poked inside the skull. Bad kitty. Nate runs back out and grabs Vanessa as she’s trying to leave the party. She tearfully insists that Nate should stay with Catherine because Catherine really loves him, and blah blah blah. I don’t buy it. Looks like the cougar was able to scare V off and into Rufus’s (gag, vomit) arms.

Meanwhile, JaMarcus walks in on Blair and Chuck going at it, and punches Chuck right in the face as Blair insists she thought it was JaMarcus she was grinding on. Liar. JaMarcus runs out of the room like a little bitch, and when Blair catches up to him, she admits she knew it was Chuck, but says she wanted it to be JaMarcus. He insists that he does want her and not Eric, and she demands that he prove it, and they make out while Chuck and the rest of the party — which includes a lot of parents — watch. She earlier told Chuck that he’s proof that money doesn’t buy class — and so is she right now.

We’re back at EW again, with Rufus arriving to check on Jenny since she wasn’t answering her phone — with a date who somewhat resembles Vanessa in tow. Awe-some. Of course Eleanor doesn’t want Jenny to leave, nor does she consider Jenny fired anymore. Come on, writers. If I have to suffer Jenny on my screen, can we at least give her interesting storylines with Blair or a heterosexual male, and not cliched rehashes of old 90210 plots? Thanks, LoLo.

“Teehee, honey, I’m getting laid tonight! Aren’t you glad our loft doesn’t have real walls?”

As we wrap up this week, Dan and Serena kiss goodbye, Chuck still can’t get Mr. Chuckie up for anyone other than Blair, and we’re completely left hanging on what happened between B and JaMarcus. We also learn that Vanessa walked away from Nate because Catherine threatened to tell the Feds were Cappy’s hiding if Nate left her. I knew that hag did something sneaky. Well played.

So that’s the episode! I know I said this was gonna be a midget recap, yet once I got started I wound up writing way more than I had planned. Damn you, Gossip Girl, you always suck me in! What did you think about this episode? I definitely liked it a lot better than the first two — Dan and Serena are done for good (well as much as that’s possible in these kinds of shows) and the Blair/Chuck scenes were HOT. Here are my questions for you: How much longer are JaMarcus and/or Catherine going to stick around? Will Dan and Serena stay apart — and if so, in the game of moving on faster and better than your ex, who’s going to win? And are you as excited that we’re finally going to see Lily and the steps of the Met again as I am? School’s in session!

Next week’s recap will be up by early (as in 2am-ish, central time) Thursday morning, or I will give y’all permission to throw yogurt on me and my blueberry-colored jacket.