This week on Gossip Girl, we learn that Blair has more minions than just whatsherface and whatshername, Serena has blue-collar sex fantasies, and Jenny’s not quite as useless as we may have thought.
The race for Head Plastic just got more complicated.
Blair is planning her annual sleepover, which evidently involves wearing a suit and carrying a clipboard while barking commands at the help. A long-standing tradition dating all the way back to 2000, this isn’t just any old sleepover – this one features gourmet delicacies, spa treatments galore, and racks of designer clothes designated by guest. Pretty swanky. The last time I attended a sleepover, I was 10. That is, unless you count the coed or impromptu drunk friend passed out on my couch kind. This ain’t a Motel 6 bitch, get your ass home.
Dan’s running around with a bag of change from his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle piggy bank, specifically a Donatello one. And here I thought his favorite hero in a half shell would be Raphael. Myself, I’ve always had a thing for Michelangelo. Turtle Power! Excited about finally having a date with Serena, Dan’s cashing in his savings to take her out in the manner to which she is accustomed. I hope you have a He-Man or My Buddy bank as well, Dan, since I don’t think Donatello’s going to last you past one date.
At school, Serena, dressed yet again like a naughty Catholic schoolgirl, chases down Jenny to pump her for information about the aforementioned date. Jenny insists she knows nothing as Serena speculates about possibilities she obviously thinks are artsy and bohemian-chic, like the Humphreys: putting cars up on cinderblocks in the front yard, eating Spam, and dumpster diving. As Jenny tries to insist her family’s poor, not rednecks, Serena’s phone goes off. It’s the Mush, and he’s evidently coming home for the weekend.
Overhearing Serena’s end of the conversation, Blair excitedly tells Serena that the Mush and Lily can have some bonding time while Serena attends Blair’s sleepover extravaganza. Without much regret at all, Serena reminds Blair that her date with Dan is that same night, and that she can’t make it. Serena leaves and a pissed Blair demands the waiting list (!) from the minions while Jenny stands there awkwardly. But before long, the rusty wheels in Blair’s head begin turning and she declares that since obviously Jenny doesn’t have any plans, Jenny can be the new guest. Oblivious to the insult, Jenny drools with excitement and scampers away after promising she’ll be there and is up for “anything.” Blair then turns to two other girls (new minions?!) and they cackle about how Jenny will freak out and bail within an hour, tops. What are they gonna do, give her regular soda? C’mon.
Blair’s even given her minions labels: I for insignificant and K for kiss-ass. As for a B and an S? Too easy.
At the clinic, Lily has changed her mind and now won’t let the Mush come home after all. The Mush throws a mini shit-fit, then dramatically flops on his bed as his mother leaves. Hey Mush, if you want your mom off your back, I recommend not slitting your wrists. Just a thought.
It’s time to see just how much Donatello was worth, as Dan arrives at Serena’s door for their date. Both of them look like idiots. Dan’s overshooting metrosexual and landing squarely in homosexual with his suit and leopard-print shirt combo, and Serena looks ready for some NASCAR and beef jerky in her ripped/stitched shirt and boots. Realizing the mismatch, Serena scoots into her bedroom to change, while Dan makes small talk and ogles her through the ajar door. Dan, I love you man, but you gotta stop it with the creepy lurking and staring thing you do.
See, I can look rich, too!
Wow, I think your outfit’s even worse than mine.
Just as Dan’s determining which pickup line to use, Lily walks in and busts our Peeping Tom. For the record, I think he was going to go with “Hi, I’m the new milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?” but alas we shall never know for sure. Lily and Dan exchange not-so-witty banter, and Dan admits that he really likes Serena just as the lady in question enters the room, now wearing a suitable black dress. But omg she’s still carrying a brown hobo bag!!! Okay, not for one second do I believe that Serena VDW would carry a casual brown bag with a little black dress. Horrified, Lily makes Serena switch bags.
Outside, Serena sees a Vespa and freaks out, exclaiming that she loves them and it’s so amazing that he knew that. Dan, of course, is not the owner of the Vespa and finally admits it when the driver he hired calls out Dan’s name. Serena tries to hide her disappointment, and climbs into the Lincoln Town Car as if it’s a wood-paneled station wagon. Meanwhile, Jenny has arrived at Blair’s with bunny slippers and a… yes, that is officially a Hello Kitty sleeping bag. The Humphreys must watch way too many I Love the 80s reruns.
At some posh French restaurant, Dan embarrasses himself over the menu while Serena effortlessly orders a $78 entrÃ©e then continues to pout and looked bored. You’re ruining her working-class sex fantasy, Dan! Serena was so counting on seeing the inside of a TGI Fridays for the first time. Serena runs for cover to the bathroom as Dan cancels his main dish after realizing all the Turtle Power in the world isn’t going to save him from washing dishes if he isn’t careful.
At the sleepover, Jenny models various fashions that Blair dismisses as “too Beyonce”, “too Mary Kate”, and “too Hannah Montana” before the girls settle on a strapless yellow silk number that’s a little “too Reese Witherspoon” for me. Blair makes some catty comments about needing to continue the makeover, then forces Jenny to drink a gin martini. As Jenny gags down the cocktail (seriously, gin is gross), Blair announces that it’s time for a little game of Truth or Dare, UESider style:
And this evidently is what it takes for the minions to get camera time.
Back in the ghetto, Rufus is trying to gather the courage to call his wife, Allison, to talk to her about that hideous painting Lily was interested in. When a dude answers the phone, Rufus quickly hangs up and then carefully redials after checking the number again. Same dude answers, and this time Rufus asks if his refrigerator is running. He also asks if Allison is there, and once he realizes that he does have the right number, he asks who the dude is. Alexander Bancroft claims to be just a “friend” and when Alison comes to the phone, Rufus hangs up again. Smooth. Countdown to Rufus drunk and pounding on Lily’s door begins… NOW.
At the snotty French restaurant, Dan is eating packets of Splenda to fill his growling tummy. Dan asks Serena if she wants dessert, while mentally praying that she’s anorexic rather than bulimic. Luckily for Dan, Serena’s better friends with ana than mia, so she passes on the dessert and Dan asks for the check. The waiter shoots Serena a pointed look, and Serena awkwardly confesses that she’s already taken care of the check while the waiter high-tails it out of there. Predictably, Dan’s penis is threatened and Serena explains that she’s dating him to go slumming, not sit in more fancy restaurants. Relieved, Dan grabs her hand and they run out together to go find some of those dumpsters.
Blair’s game of truth or dare is still in full swing, and Jenny is still dutifully drinking the martinis. Jenny gets a text, but Blair grabs it first and sees that it’s from the Mush, who’s stuck at the treatment center all weekend. Blair dismisses all the minions, new and old, and dares Jenny to break the Mush out of the center. A few subtle threats later, and Jenny readily agrees.
If anyone can see this, my name is Pamela Turner. I am being held here against my will. Please call the authorities before it’s too late!
The Mush is lying on his stomach on his bed, composing his most recent Dear Diary entry when Jenny strolls into his room and announces they’re breaking him out. That was… hard. Blair, meanwhile, is running interference at the nurse’s station, claiming she’s hopped up on more drugs than even Lindsay Lohan puts in her system in one night. The dimwitted nurse takes in Blair’s smeared lipstick and tousled hair and evidently believes her, stepping away to fetch a doctor and allowing the trio to escape. Somebody’s ass just got fired.
Lily receives a call from the treatment center, informing her that the Mush has taken off in the company of a “young blonde girl” that Lily assumes is Serena. But when Lily tries to call her daughter, turns out Serena left her phone in that brown bag. Again, not buying it that Serena would leave her phone behind. If she’s anything like me, she has that thing velcroed to her ass. Lily tries calling Rufus (who sure enough has been drinking) instead to get Dan’s number. Rufus tells her she’s a ridiculous shrew for getting pissed that her son is with her daughter, and awesomely hangs up on her too. Meanwhile, Serena is getting her slumming wish, as she and Dan shoot pool in a dive bar across town.
Blair, Jenny, and the Mush have met up with the minions at a nightclub now. Emboldened, Jenny dares Blair to make out with some random older guy. Blair scoffs at the easiness of that one and completes the dare, while simultaneously swiping the guy’s crackberry. She also learns the guy has a girlfriend named Amanda. Blair saunters back to the group, hands Jenny the guy’s crackberry, and dares Jenny to call Amanda. Jenny doesn’t hesitate to call and taunt the poor girl, while Blair looks on in approval. My, they grow up so quickly, don’t they?
At the dive bar, Serena proves that she totally sucks at pool, which is a huge shocker seeing as though privileged trust fund girls typically spend their free time practicing their behind-the-back jump shots. She asks for help with her shot, and they get touchy-feely while pretending the balls they’re thinking about are on the table. Just as Dan moves in for that first kiss, Rufus calls to see if they have the Mush. They don’t of course, but the mood is ruined when Dan tells Serena what’s going on. Wait, I thought only 2 of the balls were supposed to be blue in pool?
Is that your cue stick or are you just happy to see me?
So it turns out that Rufus doesn’t even have to get off his ass – Lily has come to him instead. Rufus updates her that while the Mush isn’t with Dan and Serena now, Serena’s been able to contact her brother and she and Dan are on their way to meet up with him. Rufus suggests Lily wait it out at his place, and she pretends to look disinterested as she checks to make sure her velvet-lined handcuffs are in her bag.
Dan and Serena have arrived at the nightclub, and as they scan the crowd, a half-hysterical girl pushes by them. And this would be angry girlfriend Amanda. Dan and Serena find Blair’s group at the same time the random guy and Amanda do. Lots of hijinks ensue, and all that’s really important is that Blair almost gets slapped by Amanda, Dan realizes his sister’s becoming a snotty bitch, Blair is thrilled her transformation of Jenny is nearly complete, and Dan starts yet another fight (this time over random guy’s crude comments about Jenny) and gets tossed out of the club. Hey Dan, Ryan Atwood called, he wants his shtick back.
Dressed in a plain t-shirt and mom jeans for a seduction Humphrey-style, Lily is helping Rufus cook a dinner that she demanded he make for her. As her defenses come down over EVOO and oregano, Lily admits that the Mush has been staying at the treatment center for an attempted suicide. They share a tender moment as yet another inopportune phone call takes place, this time from Dan announcing that they have secured the Mush. But instead of rushing off, Lily decides she has time for a little dinner and bondage first.
Pissed, Serena is lecturing Blair for breaking the Mush out and then taking him to a club of all places. The Mush comes forward to defend Blair’s actions, and Serena relents. Meanwhile, Dan is lecturing Jenny for dressing and acting like a worldly 20-something rather than the naÃ¯ve twit she really is. Dan tries to take her home, but Jenny refuses and claims she knows the game Blair’s playing with her, and that she won’t fall for it. Having been raised with her, Dan should know way better but Jenny bats her doe-eyes a few times and Dan gives in to see if he can go get laid instead. He’s not dating the school skank for cold showers and “the stranger.”
With jealous girlfriends and interfering older brothers out of the way, truth or dare is back on, and this time Blair is daring Jenny (of course) to break into Blair’s mother’s store and steal a jacket. And by break in, I mean Blair handed Jenny the keys, not a crowbar. Jenny reluctantly approaches the boutique’s door as Blair and minions wait on the sidewalk and conspicuously twitter. Jenny gets in without a problem and starts removing the jacket from a mannequin as Blair ominously counts down from five then runs away, minions in tow.
There’s minimalist dÃ©cor and then there’s… two mannequins in a window and that’s about it.
Now I’m hoping at zero this mannequin pulls a Kim Cattrall and comes to life to scare the shit out of Jenny, but instead alarms and lights start flashing, and Jenny is locked in. I know this is supposed to be dramatic and all, but Jenny’s holding the keys to the front door. Even if she can’t let herself out, I don’t think she’ll be spending time in juvie anytime soon. Which is really a shame.
Back at the Humphreys, Lily and Rufus engage in some more verbal foreplay and we learn that she used to be a photographer herself before deciding that social climbing was more profitable. The phone rings again, and Rufus assumes it’s Dan with another update and tells Lily to just pick it up. Which of course means it’s going to be Rufus’s wife Allison, and sure enough it is. An alarmed Lily identifies herself (we don’t know the whole story but it seems these two have at least met and don’t like each other), then wordlessly hands the phone to Rufus. He says hi and Allison hangs up on him in shock just like he had hung up on her earlier, because the writers of this show like their plots circular. Lily takes her leave but not before dropping an f-bomb (“friend”) and some lingering sexual tension.
The cops have arrived and have fished Jenny out of the store, but are now demanding ID and an explanation. Jenny fumbles for a few minutes, but then it turns out that Blair isn’t the only one who can be spontaneously devious. Jenny claims her name is Blair Waldorf, and weaves a story about needing to grab her jacket from her mom’s shop and forgetting about the alarm. When the cop says he still needs to call her mom, Jenny quickly says her mom’s in Paris and then shows the cop the keys to prove she has a right to be there. I’m actually impressed by the little munchkin.
After frisking the Mush for sharp objects and dropping him back off at the treatment center, Dan and Serena are strolling down the street. They discuss Jenny, and how Dan’s worried about the changes he’s seen in her lately. Serena defends Jenny, saying that she’s a strong girl who doesn’t let herself get pushed around. Well, starting out of left field this episode at least. Serena then blatantly hints for Dan to kiss her, and miraculously all of the phones in New York STFU for a second so they can finally have their first kiss.
As Lily develops a sudden change of heart and goes to the treatment center to take the Mush home for good, Jenny has finally arrived back at Blair’s, where everyone is asleep and apparently unconcerned about her fate. Blair wakes up and sees that Jenny is wearing the jacket she convinced the cops was hers, and proudly invites Jenny to sleep in the bed next to her as her reward. But Jenny announces she’s going home instead, and she doesn’t give a shit that no one ever in the history of minionhood has left one of Blair’s sleepovers early. Secure in establishing herself as more of Blair’s equal than underling, Jenny presumptuously invites herself to lunch on Monday and walks out, still wearing the jacket. Stunned but impressed, Blair lets her go.
Power to you, but next time try not to look so damn creepy.
So according to Gossip Girl, the new Jenny just may give Blair a run for her money (well, figuratively, Jenny’s still po’), and Serena may be falling in love. We’ll have to wait until next week to see what Nate thinks about that.