Gossip Girl: The Previews Were the Best Part

Happy New Year everyone! As many of you know, I was out of the country over the holidays, and therefore am about two weeks behind in these Gossip Girl recaps. But I’m back now, and ready to chat about our favorite spoiled, promiscuous brats! In this episode, the gang breaks into the school’s pool where an extra nearly dies, creating a thrilling whodunit mystery! Note the sarcasm.

Way to be selfish, random kid, and ruin the fun.

Dolores Umbridge and the Pool Party Puzzler

This week we begin with the UES crew indulging in a clandestine after-hours pool party at school, complete with martinis, joints, and matching flowered swim caps in the cases of the minions. Except for Jenny and Eric, the whole gang is present and having a great time until some random kid nearly bashes his brains in and falls unconscious into the water. Oddly enough, no one seems to notice the floating body with the seeping blood for a few moments, until Nate’s nipples get a tingly sensation, letting him know there’s trouble. Either that, or it was his conversation with Chuck about their wild times together in Monaco that was doing the trick. Regardless, Nate realizes what’s going on and pulls the kid out of the water while Serena calls 911. As the paramedics begin to arrive, we see Chuck suspiciously pocket a key.

There’s a thin line between cool and retarded. And guess what, Chuck: the line is a dot to you.

The following Monday, both prep schools are gathered for a joint assembly on the pool party. Thanks to pictures on an abandoned cell phone, the schools know which students were there. But they’re not happy with just that – they want to know who was in charge of the party and punish that individual severely. The new Constance Billard headmistress immediately goes all Dolores Umbridge on their asses – requiring that they all meet individually with her for a nice cup of Veritaserum, and threatening to expel each one of them unless the guilty party comes forward.

After the assembly, the gang gathers outside and vows that they all will just keep their mouths shut. Dan pees his panties a little bit and whines that he doesn’t want to get expelled, and Blair snaps that a group silence pact has always worked before. Like take last year, when they were caught swilling mojitos and riding the pommel horses in the gym. Totally fine. But Dan remains unconvinced, and runs off to change his pants before 6th period.

Oh god, my pants feel icky…

Blair decides to hold an impromptu “Suck it, Dolores” gathering at her place, and Dan and Vanessa show up together. On their way in, Vanessa shows Dan some video footage she had captured on her camcorder the night of the pool party – showing Chuck pocketing that mysterious key. Dan’s still trying to process what that means when he sees Chuck at the party, holding that same key. Blair also sees Chuck with it and snatches it away, hissing at him that it’s evidence. She goes upstairs to hide the key in a drawer, and unbeknownst to her, is seen by Nate.

Meanwhile, Dan approaches Chuck and demands that Chuck confess. Amused, Chuck points out that he doesn’t give a shit one way or the other if he gets expelled, since Bart can just donate a wing in the Bass name and get Chuck back in. I’m assuming there are already about 8 Bass wings, and at least 3 libraries, don’t you think? Chuck taunts Dan some more and finally claims that the only reason he picked up the key was to hide the evidence – not because it was his.

Spiritually broken, Dan tries to whine to Serena about what a big poo-poo head Chuck is, and how it pisses him off that Chuck knows something but won’t go forward. Serena makes a face that’s even more awkward than usual, and Dan realizes that Serena knows something as well. You know that feeling when everyone in the group knows something but you, and no one will tell you? Yeah, it sucks. Sorry Dan.

Back at school, Nate confesses to Dolores that he broke into the school – thinking he’s protecting Blair. He gives Dolores the key he swiped from Blair’s desk, but Dolores doesn’t believe him and demands to know whom he’s trying to protect. When Nate refuses to squeal, she calls another assembly and suspends Nate in front of the whole group for his dishonesty. Dan straps on some Depends and pulls out the can of Lysol in his backpack.

Once wiped and disinfected, Dan meets privately with Serena and demands that she rat out the guilty party before his incontinence becomes a major issue. But here’s the problem – Serena herself is the guilty one. She explains that she once dated the swim team captain, and he gave her a key so they could practice his breaststroke after hours. Dan cuts her off, saying he doesn’t need the details. He then suggests that she just tell Dolores the truth since she could just buy the school a new cafeteria or some shit, but Serena fears that given her past, this may be the last straw. If an expelled Serena means her returning to a drunken whore, I say bring on the expulsion!

Look, he was having trouble with his thrusting, okay?

Now Dan’s meeting with Dolores, and our morally conflicted, boring hero stays true to Serena and keeps his mouth shut. But then Serena waltzes in to confess and save the day! To everyone’s surprise – and my disappointment – Dolores merely sentences Serena to picking up trash on the side of the road or some other community service. Once outside, Dan bitches that there’s a double standard – the rich kids get a slap on the wrist, the poor kids get bounced out of there faster than you can say “have fun in state school.” Serena disagrees, and insists that Dan’s just a bitter poor kid. But in a nicer way.

Later that night, Bart Bass approaches Serena and reveals that he put a call into Dolores, and that’s why Serena didn’t get suspended or expelled. Serena ungratefully leaves (surely a “thanks for keeping me from ruining my college prospects” was in order?) and heads over to Dan’s, where she admits that he was right about the double standard. But all is forgiven, and yet again the most boring couple on earth ends an episode all hunky-dory.

Sex, Lies, and Videotape

Now that Nate and Chuck are back from Monaco, Chuck can’t stomach the sight of Blair and Nate together. Whether that’s because it’s upsetting to watch Blair hook up with Nate, or Nate hook up with Blair is unclear. Either way, he’s decided to blackmail Blair into blowing off Nate by threatening to tell Nate that there was a reason Blair wasn’t wearing white at the debutante ball. Blair’s pissed as hell about it, but for now is falling in line and avoiding Nate as much as possible.

Insane yet intelligent, Chuck is spinning this blackmail to his best advantage, telling Nate that Blair’s made it pretty obvious she wants nothing to do with him. Undaunted, Nate reveals she did let him get a quick kiss in at the pool party, and Chuck demands details of the kiss, trying to determine if it’s enough to carry through with his threat. Either that or he’s pervier than I thought.

Meanwhile, we learn that Vanessa has decided to make a documentary on Dan’s life, and will be carting around a camcorder the entire episode. Evidently she’s applying for some grant, and the documentary will be her entry piece. What a scintillating subject – I guess another applicant had already chosen watching grass grow.

At Blair’s “Suck it, Dolores” party, Chuck pulls Blair aside and warns her that if he hears about any more kisses, he’ll tell Nate everything. Annoyed, Blair challenges him to do just that, and says that if Chuck spills the truth, she’ll convince Nate that it’s all a lie. Unfazed, Chuck insists that Nate will believe him, and not Blair, and points to Vanessa – who’s been standing there the whole time, taping the conversation.

Something tells me this is not going to be the last scandalous tape Blair and Chuck make.

Infuriated, Blair demands that Vanessa turn over the tape, and Vanessa refuses, making a snotty remark about how her documentary just got so much more interesting. That’s definitely true, but really, she could have taped a lecture on ways to prevent freezer burn and had better material. Chuck grabs Vanessa’s arm and demands the tape just as Dan appears to defend his fellow indigent friend. Dan hustles Vanessa out the door – along with the tape. I’m guessing right now Blair is regretting threatening Vanessa with those manicure scissors. Should have used the hedge clippers.

At school, Blair tries to intimidate Vanessa into turning over the tape, but is unsuccessful. Chuck takes a crack at it next, and bribes Vanessa with $10,000. When she hesitates, he reminds her that the money could be used to update her wardrobe from an “In Living Color” Fly Girl to something more current. She insists that her look is more Lenni from “Ghostwriter” but nevertheless accepts the money and gives Chuck the tape.

I missed you, random, vaguely-homosexual fashion accessory.

But the tape plot isn’t over yet, as Vanessa arrives at Blair’s house, and admits the tape she gave to Chuck was blank. She then gives Blair the real tape and leaves. Even Blair has to admit she owes Vanessa for this, so she shows up at Vanessa’s work later that day and announces that she just paid Vanessa’s rent for a year. Does that mean Vanessa has her own place, and therefore her own rent? Is Vanessa supposed to have already graduated high school? Or did she drop out? Can anyone clarify, because evidently I missed something. Probably because I stop listening every time she appears on screen. Anyway, Blair explains that she paid the rent so she can go back to hating Vanessa guilt-free, and we learn Vanessa used Chuck’s money to create a medical grant for teens with genital herpes in his name. I don’t think 10 grand would be enough to treat the people Chuck gave genital herpes to, let alone the general public, but I guess it’s the thought that counts.

Now that she’s thwarted disaster and has possession of the tape, Blair finally feels comfortable ignoring Chuck’s threats and being with Nate. Nate had gotten her juices flowing earlier in the episode when he confessed to Dolores to protect her, so she gives him a ring and invites him over for a little thank you sex. Despite her treating him like shit for the past few days, Nate comes running over, eagerly accepts Blair’s vows of love, and gets down to business. Seriously, have some self respect, Archibald.

Old Farts

When we last left the old farts, Bart Bass had just proposed to Lily. Well, a few weeks have gone by, and Lily has still not given him answer. Chuck, for one, is all about the possible marriage, and even suggests that a little incest may be in the cards. But Serena crushes his dreams by informing him that Eric isn’t into that kind of thing.

Rufus, meanwhile, is all depressed that Lily didn’t answer his Christmas phone call, and has been keeping himself busy by composing melancholy songs and sharpening some razor blades. I hope he didn’t ask Eric for any tips. He rallies enough to go see how his gallery is doing, and is rewarded by an impromptu visit from Lily herself. She bluntly announces that Bart proposed and she’s planning on saying yes, and she wanted him to hear the news directly from her. He recognizes her passive aggressive behavior for what it is, and remains silent rather than make the declaration of love she’s looking for. Frustrated, she leaves.

But Rufus can’t keep up the macho act for long, and shows up at Lily’s door to declare his love anyway and say he wants to make a go of it. Lily knows how to play games like the best of them, so now she’s indecisive. He gives her a lingering kiss and tells her to think about it before

leaving.

Well…what does your investment portfolio look like?

A day or two later, Bart and Lily are at lunch at an expensive restaurant filled with bland, uptight society couples. She looks around at all the proper old hags with their rich husbands and realizes that slumming it with Rufus would be much more exciting. I love how slumming it would be dating a famous musician with a multi-million dollar loft. So she calls Rufus and says she wants to see what they can be together. He suggests that they go away for the night, and she agrees.

Serena arrives home to find Lily packing for the trip. Lily lies and says she’s going to the spa, but the cat is pretty much out of the bag when Rufus calls moments later. Serena gets an inkling of what’s going on, and asks her mother not to be with Rufus because of how messed up that would be with her and Dan. Selfish, much? For some reason, Lily agrees, and meets Rufus to tell him it isn’t going to happen. Lily should have just told Serena that there’s as much of a chance of Serena and Dan making it to the altar as there is Lily being caught with last season’s Chanel bag. Besides, no matter what the Botox says, Lily ain’t getting any younger.

So Lily decides to accept Bart’s proposal, and enjoys a polite and proper toast with him and their children. Eric notes that Lily looks as happy as Grandma CeCe or Auntie LoLo at last call, and Serena agrees, saying that Bart’s lack of personality must be contagious. Rufus, meanwhile, puts on a happy face for the kids while he bides his time until Lily can yank him around by the balls yet again.

Looks like Chuck isn’t the only one interested in a little incest.

So what did you guys think? Will Lily actually marry Bart, or will she tell Serena to stop being a selfish cow and date Rufus instead? Is it only a matter of time before Blair’s secret is revealed? If the truth comes out, will Blair wind up with Nate, Chuck, or all alone? And can Serena and Dan do anything interesting, or are they doomed to suck forever?

I haven’t seen next week’s episode yet, but the previews look AWESOME, btw!

I wrote this recap by storyline rather than chronological order to save time, but let me know what you think about this format for the future. Whatever you guys like better, I’ll do. Thanks again for your patience, and look for the next recap later this week!