Gossip Girl: The Return of Captain Crook

This week on Gossip Girl, it’s Thanksgiving for our UESiders, meaning familiar faces are back, family drama is erupting, and Serena’s decided this is yet another appropriate time to dress like a high class hooker.

“Here, Chace, if I make goofy faces too, maybe they’ll just think the Archibalds look goofy and not realize how god-awful of an actor you are. We already got whats-her-face making those bug eyes for you.”

We open at Constance, where Blair is wasting no time to begin bitching, this time about Cyrus moving in and his tacky relatives. However, despite the unsavory relations, Blair is determined to have the perfect Thanksgiving. You know that every time you declare you want something to be perfect it goes to shit, right B? You might want to lay off that particular phrase. Serena, meanwhile, is excited to introduce Aaron to her family before Thanksgiving dinner, despite the fact he’s still banging several other girls on the side and she’s playing STD Russian Roulette by dating him. Dan approaches, asking if either of them have seen Jenny, which Blair takes as her cue to leave. Serena admits Jenny’s been tagging along with Eric again lately — whose friendship she only seems to value when it’s convenient to her — and promises to pass along the message that the Humphreys would like to end the Cold War before the holidays.

Nate’s back in school, not like Dan’s happy to see him. Chuck, however, is harder to read when he tells Nate he enjoyed watching him slum it because it would show Nate who his real friends are. Nate agrees that it did show him that, and walks away. I’m not sure if Nate is angry here or upset or what. Goddamn Chace Crawford. Please just start holding up signs identifying what emotion you’re trying to portray.

Elsewhere, Jenny is busy meeting with an attorney about legal emancipation from her parents, and she’s dragged Eric along with her. The attorney hands over a stack of paperwork, explaining that Jenny has to authorize the state to conduct an investigation into parental abuse before she can be emancipated. All she has to do is point to her haircut, and she’ll be emancipated right there.

“Do you see what these people let me do to my head? If that’s not abuse, lady, I don’t know what is.”

In the ghetto, Vanessa’s whining about how shitty her Thanksgiving is going to be, holed up in her studio alone. Doesn’t she supposedly live with her sister? Dan offers to have her eat with his family. but she snottily informs him that she prefers not to see Jenny right now. Oh wah wah, you ruined things with Nate all on your own, bitch, and it’s not like you and Jenny are really good friends. You’re just that crazy chick who pants after the girl’s brother and father. Dan explains that Jenny most likely will be a no show anyway, and mentions that Jenny and Nate are done. Reconsidering, Vanessa agrees to come.

Rufus arrives home, freaking out over Jenny’s continued disappearance, especially now that he’s heard Mini Coop hasn’t seen her since the couture bonfire. Dan pipes up that Jenny may be with Eric, and Rufus places a panicked phone call to Lily, who’s just returned home from a vacation. Lily at first denies that Jenny’s been crashing at the VDW-Bass joint, but then spying a sewing machine, she tells Rufus she’ll call him back and hangs up.

Nate’s with his mom, CrazyEyes Archibald, and we learn that a family friend has allowed them to stay at their place while they’re out of town. Arriving at the joint, CrazyEyes looks even crazier than normal, if that’s possible, and swings open the door revealing… Ahoy, matey! It’s Cappy McDouche! Nate bugs out his eyes in what’s supposed to be surprise I believe and winds up looking like he’s straining to pass a deuce. After the commercial, Cappy begins explaining that he’s got a pretty sweet deal for himself in the Caribbean, which Nate is not too happy to hear about. However, Cappy isn’t just bragging for the hell of it — he wants to take Nate and CrazyEyes back with him to live. In particular, he thinks Nate will appreciate how, ah, accommodating the natives are.

“Ahh, yeah, that’s a turtlehead.”

Rufus and Lily have met up, and Rufus is all pissed and demanding Lily let him see Jenny. She refuses, suggesting that she speak to Jenny first so they know what they’re dealing with. I agree. Rufus, you suck at parenting and when Lily VDW-Bass-Whomever she’s married to this week upstages you in that department, it’s time to think about strangling yourself with a guitar string.

Eric arrives home and runs into Bart, then frantically texts Jenny not to come upstairs. Making casual conversation, Bart learns that Eric and his boyfriend Jonathan aren’t working out (boooo!) and then cryptically suggests Eric find out what Jonathan was up to on Monday night. Running upstairs, Eric finds Chuck, who explains his plans for the evening got held up at customs. Haha, gross. Eric mentions Bart’s suggestion, and Chuck calmly explains that Bart has a PI and has files on everyone. Looks like this duo’s going to do a little snooping.

Serena’s over at Aaron’s for a home-cooked, romantic dinner when he makes a big announcement — as of right now, he’s dating her exclusively. Serena’s thrilled, but her happiness is dampened a bit when Aaron also reveals that he’s sober. It’s unclear if he’s in AA or not, but regardless, he doesn’t drink. And another strike for Aaron in my book. I could never date someone who doesn’t drink. I love to drink, and while it sometimes gets out of control (hello new year’s resolution — stop being a sloppy drunk), I couldn’t handle someone who doesn’t want to have wine with dinner or a few drinks at a celebration. I’ve hung out with AA people before in drinking situations, and it’s not that they’re judgmental or pouty, but the only reason I can look my friends in the eyes the next day is because I know they were as retarded as I was the night before. Those AA people see and remember everything. Shiver. No thank you, Mr. Clearheaded. Anyway, Serena declares it’s not a problem at all, but you can see her practically drooling over the thought of a shot of Patron as she says it.

“OH! Mouthwash has alcohol in it, doesn’t it? So that explains why your breath is so bad!”

Back at the VDW-Bass household, Lily and Bart are arguing over what to do with the Jenny situation when Eric tries to run by without notice. Unfortunately for him, Lily catches him and orders him to bring Jenny back for a firm talking to. That is arranged shortly thereafter, but when Lily offers to mediate, Jenny refuses and basically blows Lily off. Jenny leaves her bag behind when she ditches Lils, with the emancipation papers conveniently sticking out. Every time I think Jenny can’t get any dumber, she surprises me. Lily picks up her bag and spying the papers, pulls them out and reads them. Ruh roh.

At Blair’s, Blair is pissed to see Cyrus eating her pie and infuriated when he lightly criticizes her recipe. Life’s tough, Blair-Bear. After being scolded by Eleanor to suck it up and stop overreacting, she runs into Dorota, who reveals a big secret — Cyrus has proposed to Eleanor, and they’ll be announcing the engagement at Thanksgiving dinner. Nothing says family holiday like emotional trauma.

Rufus and Dan are shopping for their Thanksgiving dinner when they run into Aaron, who admits he’s going to Thanksgiving at Serena’s as soon as he rolls around in dirt and greases up his hair some more. The guys get to talking, and Aaron mentions that Serena doesn’t drink. Surprised, Dan brings up the Georgina scandal from last season. which is obviously news to Aaron. Aaron looks a little pissed to hear that Serena used to be a big partier, which he has no business doing but he sucks so I’m not surprised.

“So, Aaron, which one of us do you think is a bigger douche? I think I have the lead since I’ve been around for a lot longer, but your scarf collection is really keeping you in the running.”

Returning to Blair’s, she corners Eleanor and demands that Eleanor tell her the big news before the general announcement at dinner. Playing stupid, Eleanor insists she doesn’t know what Blair is referring to and walks away. Okay, if Eleanor really is engaged I side with Blair on this one. You should definitely tell your children privately about your engagement. Pissed, Blair tells Dorota that she’s skipping dinner, and to hell with Thanksgiving. Ah, and now it truly does feel like a family holiday.

In Brooklyn, Vanessa runs into Nate at the gallery, who’s there to drop off something he borrowed from Rufus. Surprisingly, it’s not a plaid shirt. Vanessa agrees, and asks why Nate didn’t just stop by the ghetto. Embarrassed, he admits that he’s not exactly welcome there anytime soon. He then briefly whines about having alienated everyone lately — his own damn fault — and takes off, leaving a wistful looking Vanessa staring after him. These two deserve each other.

Holy vagina, Batman, look at the length of Serena’s skirt. It looks like this year they’ll be serving turkey with a side of vulva for Thanksgiving. In preparation for Aaron’s big family meeting, she’s begging Chuck not to mention anything about Georgina or any of her wild behavior from the first season. After hilariously tugging at her hemline and suggesting she make her skirt even shorter — in which case she might as well go bottomless — Chuck gives her his word, “whatever that’s worth.” Smirking, he takes off to meet with Eric as Aaron arrives. Serena greets him excitedly, and he immediately asks her who Georgina is. Stunned, Serena quickly dodges the question and calls Dan jealous and clearly not over her. Nope, in this case I just think he’s fucking dumb, S. Aaron smiles and lets her get away with not answering, but I don’t think this situation’s resolved.

“I know I’m about a month too late, but what do you think of my slutty ketchup & mustard Halloween costume?”

Rufus is busy cooking dinner when Lily calls him and tells him to come over to her place right away. Sadly it’s not a booty call, but a your daughter fucking hates you call. Without knowing what’s going on, Rufus agrees and orders Dan to call Vanessa and cancel Thanksgiving. Dan makes the call, but before Vanessa can answer her phone, she’s stopped by an FBI agent-type on the street and asked to talk about Nate.

Eric and Chuck are in Bart’s office, where Chuck is giving Eric the combination to Bart’s safe. Inside are gold bars and other objects that make up the end of every heist movie, as Eric puts it. Chuck orders Eric to stop peeing his panties, and Eric starts to get down to business as Vanessa calls Chuck. Being Chuck, he gives her shit but agrees to come to Brooklyn when she tells him the FBI just questioned her and Nate is in big trouble. Leaving Eric alone with the safe, Chuck heads out.

Blair is stomping around the city, poor Dorota trailing in her wake, bitching about Eleanor’s engagement. There’s nothing really important in this scene except for Dorota’s ringtone for Eleanor on her Blackberry. Not only is it a song that’s 7 years old — it’s “I’m a Slave 4 U”, which is fucking hysterical and PERFECT. I love Dorota.

At the VDW-Bass Thanksgiving gathering, Serena is wildly protesting Lily’s offer of a glass of wine, ensuring that even if Aaron doesn’t think she drinks, he will think she’s crazy. Meanwhile, Eric has found Bart’s file on him, and is disgusted it contains everything from pictures to private emails to his record from the psych clinic he was in after the suicide attempt. He confides this all in Jenny, who pretends to be interested for about 60 seconds before asking him if he’s seen her lost emancipation papers. Stupid, selfish bitch. Starting to hate Jenny more than Vanessa, and that’s saying something.

“If I weren’t gay, I would totally ask you to blow me underneath this desk right now.”

Rufus and Dan arrive, and Bart doesn’t know which one he is less happy to see. Lily grabs Rufus to show him the emancipation papers, leaving Aaron to confront Dan about lying about Serena. Dan denies it of course, and brings Aaron with him to confront Serena instead. Serena asks Dan to talk to her privately first, and Dan somewhat catches on and quickly tells Aaron that he is, indeed, a jealous liar and apologizes. Whoa, Humphrey, I wasn’t expecting that chivalrous move on your part. Annoyed, Aaron snaps at Dan not to lie to him again before excusing himself to go join his father at Blair’s Thanksgiving dinner. Once alone, Serena thanks Dan and he cautions her it’s only a matter of time before Aaron finds out for real. She laughs, but before she can really respond, Eric runs in carrying the first of the 30 folders of dirt Bart has on Serena.

Nate strolls into the gallery to find Chuck and Vanessa waiting for him, having used the pretext of an emergency to bring him. Pissed, Nate’s about to leave when they call in the FBI agent. Nate demands to know what’s going on and Chuck reveals that the FBI thinks Cappy’s about to commit more crimes, namely extortion and kidnapping — of Nate and CrazyEyes. Chace tries to cry and it makes me want to cry. Seriously he comes from the Joey Tribianni acting school of pulling leg hairs out with tweezers. Chuck and Vanessa tell him he has two options — try to help Cappy escape while he still can, or turn his father in.

At the VDW-Bass residence, Rufus confronts Jenny, but instead of yelling at her, he simply tells her he loves her and he won’t stand in her way if it comes to a court hearing. Gee, Rufus, if you love her that much and are willing to bend, why not just sign the goddamn papers? Save all your poor asses some attorney fees. Stupidity runs in the family. Rufus, Dan and Jenny take off and Bart reappears, cranky about the Humphrey invasion. But not so fast, Bartholomew — turns out the VDWs are pissed themselves as all three come trooping down the stairs, Bart’s PI files in Lily’s hands. Bart gets as close as he can to losing his shit as Lily accuses him of treating Serena and Eric like criminals, noting that it was bad enough he was investigating her. Bart tries to defend himself by arguing he was protecting the family, but Lily isn’t having any of it, and takes the kids with her and leaves.

“Jesus, Mom, I’m pretty sure what you were doing in those pictures is illegal in the continental U.S.”

“Serena we will talk about that — and your medical records from the free clinic — later.”

Nate arrives back at the borrowed home he’s staying at to find Cappy rushing around with his suitcases and urging Nate to shake a tailfeather. Nate immediately accuses Cappy of planning on holding him and CrazyEyes for ransom, and Cappy’s expression is cartoonish in guilty shock. He somewhat admits it, explaining he needs the money and since it’ll help Nate and CrazyEyes, the ends justify the means. Nate refuses to go with and reveals the FBI is on its way. Cappy can either escape out the back and ruin their relationship forever, or man up and get pounded in the ass in jail for a few decades. Decisions, decisions.

Lily and Eric are at a diner for their new Thanksgiving dinner, Serena having run off with her file, presumably to show Aaron and come clean with who she is. Lily tries to make the best of things until Eric admits he read her file — and knows that Lily was institutionalized like he was when she was 19. Lily’s big secret is revealed at last! I expected it to be something bigger… although maybe she got thrown in the psych ward for something good. Here’s hoping. Instead of yelling at Lily about it, and how she was a heinous bitch way back at the beginning of last season, Eric maturely tells her he’s ready to talk about it when she is. Touched, Lily asks him how he got to be so wise. “The nanny,” he replies. I love Eric. Looking around at the otherwise empty diner, Lily declares they should have a real Thanksgiving, and drags Eric out of a second location.

Serena arrives at Blair’s, who is still MIA with Dorota. Serena texts Blair by Eleanor’s request, then finds Aaron and hands over her file as I expected. She then leaves, telling Eleanor Blair’s current location as she heads out the door. Speaking of Blair, we finally see her again as she runs into a miserable Jenny on the street. Blair tersely asks Jenny what’s wrong, then snaps that Jenny is lucky Rufus cares enough to fight with her, unlike Eleanor. However, Blair’s spoken too soon as Jenny spies Eleanor climbing out of a cab behind Blair. Eleanor approaches the girls and evidently love agrees with the woman, for she drapes her coat around Jenny’s shoulders, warmly pleads with Blair to come home, and then affectionally touches Jenny’s face and insists upon taking her back to the ghetto. Dorota, however, she still ignores. Doesn’t matter how many times Cyrus is banging her a night — Eleanor still isn’t going to fraternize with the help.

“You’re lucky I’m in love, Jenny, because I could just crush your little stealing, unappreciative skull between my hands right now.”

Well who knew? Cappy likes ass pounding evidently, as he lets the FBI arrest him!

A while later, Vanessa and Chuck stroll up to Nate’s actual house and find him in great spirits now that the FBI has unfrozen their accounts and he’s back to being a spoiled little rich boy. Glad to see Nate’s all sunshine and rainbows as his father’s enduring a cavity search. He thanks them both for their help, and Chuck gives them a moment of privacy which Vanessa uses to tell Nate she still likes him. They agree to get dinner sometime after he assures her he hasn’t spoken to Jenny in weeks. How charming. He’s settling for you again, V, now that Jenny’s lost her mind and her brother will tear off his nuts if he goes near her!

Blair and Eleanor arrive home and Blair finally gets to see Eleanor’s big surprise — Big, Gay Dad (sans Big, Gay Boyfriend)! Surprised and ecstatic, Blair blurts out that she thought the surprise was an engagement announcement. And… it was, only Eleanor wanted to get Big, Gay Dad’s approval of Cyrus before she announced it. That’s sweet, but stop wasting Blair with these pointless storylines!

Also arriving home are Dan and Rufus, and they have a surprise in store too — Jenny’s home and has the thirty pounds of eyeliner wiped off. Yay! She tears up the emancipation papers and they form a big Humphrey sandwich. But wait, there’s more — Lily and Eric have decided to crash! Nothing says Thanksgiving than hanging out with the married woman you banged on her wedding day and her teenage son! Oh and the fun isn’t over — Vanessa’s here too. Actually, that does mean the fun is over, nevermind. Jenny awkwardly approaches, apologizing for the Nate situation, and Vanessa magnanimously agrees to forgive and forget. I’m sure that’s only because Nate starting sniffing around her skirts again. If he hadn’t, Vanessa would have gone all Power Rangers over Jenny’s ass.

With everyone gathered and made up, Rufus announces they better start cooking dinner and they flock into the kitchen. Dan slides a stack of mail over to Jenny, explaining it’s what has come for her in the last couple of weeks and she should go through it. Now remember when Dan sent the Charlie Trout story, we saw Nate send something to Jenny? Well guess what Vanessa sees sticking out of that pile? Yep, a love letter to Jenny from Nate — which she then steals and sneaks off to read during dinner. On top of that, she keeps the letter without letting anyone know of its existence and sends death glares to Jenny across the table. HEINOUS BITCH. Okay I take back what I said earlier about disliking Jenny more than Vanessa. Dear God, I think that’d be impossible. And congratulations, Vanessa. You’ve officially gone from annoying, pathetic and condescending to crazed stalker.

“Well, stealing a friend’s personal mail would be an insane thing to do, but I’m Vanessa and I suck at life. Why the hell not?”

Serena’s also made her way home and is visited by Aaron. He returns the file to her, explaining he can’t read it (illiteracy is a national crisis) and he wants her to tell him about herself, rather than learn about her in some file. Serena coos and giggles, and winds up spending Thanksgiving hanging out with Aaron in her bedroom, trying to ignore the stomach grumbles for turkey and the dry throat for a dirty martini.

We end this episode on an overall happy note, with most of our main characters enjoying their Thanksgiving dinners or cocktails in the back of a limo as the case may be for Nate and Chuck. That is, except Bart — who’s lingering outside the ghetto, calling his PI and instructing the PI to find out exactly why Lily was institutionalized. Hey old man, maybe if you weren’t skulking around calling PIs on family holidays, you’d actually be participating in a family holiday. Just a thought.

Well that’s it for this week, and my even later than normal recap. Part of the problem is I haven’t been feeling these last couple of episodes. Too little Chuck and Blair, too much Nate, Jenny and Vanessa, and I’m not really interested in the Dan or Serena plots. They need to get these characters interacting together rather than running around with separate stories. But next week’s episode looks very promising, and hopefully it’ll return the show to it’s true glory and motivate my ass to recap faster!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!