The season finale brings us tears, laughter, drama, break-ups, get-togethers, drunk girls, stoned parents, unkempt hair, juicy secrets, slutty attire, cell phones, and of course, headbands. They grow up so quickly, don’t they?
Where’s my yearbook?
Is it just me or does Serena’s mumbling get on anyone else’s nerves? Is she chewing the inside of her face when she talks? It’s like she doesn’t have the energy to open up her mouth and enunciate. I don’t know. Maybe I’m in a mood. Every line she says sounds so apathetic. Which also how I’m starting to feel about this show.
Anyway, Serena mumbles her way through a conversation with Blair about graduation and wanting to leave the Gossip Girl tabloids forever (because supposedly Gossip Girl doesn’t report on college students). Then Blair tries to dissect Chuck’s feelings for her. Why does he tell you he loves me? Why not tell me? An appropriate question, I suppose.
Why am I always wearing a headband?
It’s graduation time! Nate and Vanessa talk for the first time since they awkwardly ran into each other at Jenny’s Sweet 16 party.
Nate: Vanessa, I haven’t seen you in so many episodes!
Vanessa: Yeah, I’ve been too busy hosting this lame show about NYC girls who are like the characters on Gossip Girl, but much more normal looking. And I’ve been using a lot of Dove soap lately.
Nate: Oh. Me and Blair broke up. Sorry I was mean to you.
Vanessa: Hey, ain’t no thang! These things happen. Thanks for all you’ve done. Now I’m going to NYU. Yippee!
Please tell me that guy behind me is not sporting a faux hawk.
Nate: Come to my party tonight. Hey, don’t look now, but here comes Dan. Why does he always act like an old guy? Like he’s some wise sage? Drives me nuts.
Dan: Hey, crazy kids. What party? I’m going. Take your vitamins.
I’m a bible salesman now.
Okay, why does Jenny always look so prostitute-y lately? A classy prostitute, yes, but a prostitute none the less. It looks like she’s wearing lingerie made from upholstery. Her big plan is to end the high school monarchy.
Jenny, I can’t even look at you.
Blair’s followers say they don’t follow Blair’s orders anymore. Those three chicks whose names I can never remember threaten to crown some new girl as queen for next year. Only way to win is to attend Nate’s party and bring them the juiciest untold gossip.
Hi, I’m the token Asian girl.
Serena, your hair! Seriously! Run a brush through it once in a while! Dan chats with S about how his name was left off of the program, while Blair nervously chats with Chuck.
Who needs a brush when you’re rich?
Blair tries to tell Chuck that her and Nate broke up, but she chickens out. Chuck just gazes at her with his normal sultry stare and glossy lips.
It’s my new Bonne Bell lip balm. You like?
Rufus forgets that he and Lily have to sit together because they bought their tickets together, which is funny because they’re sitting in pews AND it’s a high school graduation, so I highly doubt there are assigned seats. Blair’s mom and elderly step dad sit behind them and give their “you should get married cuz we’re all old” speech, which is just awkward for everyone.
I love that guy in the back who is desperately trying to not look at the camera.
The graduates sit down and some teacher is giving some speech when all of a sudden everyone’s cell phones go off. It’s a Gossip Girl blast. Okay, here’s what I don’t understand. No one thought to turn there cell phone off during the ceremony? Or at least set it to vibrate? And is EVERYONE in the graduating class actually signed up to receive e-blasts from Gossip Girl? There’s always some kid who doesn’t care about that stuff.
Oh, the tassle is supposed to be tied to the cap?
Anyway, this is where it really gets good because she decides to label a bunch of people from the senior class. I would like to present to you…
The Gossip Girl Hall of Fame
Nate Archibald – Class Whore
This is supposed to look like the scarlet letter.
Dan Humphrey – The Ultimate Insider
What does that even mean?
Chuck Bass – Coward
Ever seen a coward flair their nostrils like this?
Blair Waldorf – Weakling
She looks like she escaped the wax museum in this picture.
Serena Van der Woodsen – Officially Irrelevant
Does that count as a label?
And then for some reason everyone’s all depressed and won’t stand at the end of graduation. I’m not sure why the rest of the class cared that five people were embarrassed via email. And then Serena’s like, “Gossip Girl is going down!”
They’re all afraid Gossip Girl is gonna reveal all the dirty secrets no one knows about yet. So they go off to do damage control. Also, Rufus and Lily talk yet again about their failed relationship and nothing new is said and I’m not even posting a picture because I’m so tired of them. Nate goes over to his grandpa to tell him about a secret he thinks might get out. The convo is classic.
Nate: I have a secret to share.
Gramps: Ooh, do tell.
Nate: Last summer I had an affair with an older woman.
Gramps: That’s my boy!
Nate: She was married.
Nate: And she paid me.
Gramps: Gross. Good luck with that.
Was she hot?
Then Chuck enters the room and Nate breaks the news that he and Blair broke up. Meanwhile, Vanessa is talking about how lame the party is and Dan actually utters the phrase, “There’s a killer donut place around the corner.” This kid is 18 going on 65. I think he was about to suggest playing shuffle board at the local senior center, but Serena interrupted. And she’s wearing a very boobalicious dress.
Serena: We’ve got to take down Gossip Girl!
Dan: I’m kinda over it.
Serena: High school is over, but you’re my friend.
Dan: Not really.
Serena: What the hell?
Dan: Well, you know, we’re going to different schools and our parents are breaking up and stuff. See ya later.
But please tell me your boobs are gonna pop outta that dress.
The A-Team huddles together on a small staircase to discuss their plan of attack on Gossip Girl. After careful consideration, they’ve deduced that G-Girl has to be someone in their graduating class. But who could it be? The whole thing is very Saved by the Bell.
Why are we all squished on this staircase?
Serena gets the bright idea to send a text/email thing to Gossip Girl, this way when someone’s phone beeps, they’ll know who it is. I guess every single senior happens to be in a same room? The only phone that beeps belongs to Eric’s nerdy friend, Jonathan. Gossip Girl is a boy!!!!!!!!!
False alarm. Jonathan is not G-girl. He and Eric just hacked into her computer one boring summer and can now read her emails. That’s it. Lame. Turns out there’s a bunch of untold gossip sitting in her inbox. Jenny finds one piece of info that could win her the crown as Queen Bee, thereby giving her the ability to crush the teen monarchy forever! But she’s reluctant to do it, and they don’t tell us what it is, so now we’re supposed to care about what she found out.
Rufus plays the guitar out in the living room just like old times when he was a musician and people cared. Cowboy Dan comes out to say he’s not going to Nate’s party, but Cap’n Rufus bestows his knowledge upon him: Go to the high school party or you may regret it.
Try making this puppy dog face. The ladies love it.
Dan exits. Cue Lily:
Ruf: What are you doing here?
Lily: I felt old and wanted to feel young. Wanna feel young with me?
Lily: I brought weed. I stole it from Chuck’s room.
You’re a cute puppy.
Blair and her mom have some quaint mother-daughter moment that lasts for about 3 seconds. Then we’re at Nate’s party, where the token Asian chick does a terrible impression of drunk. She’s clearly carrying around an empty cup. You can tell by the way she’s tossing it all around. She even makes an almost love confession to Dan. Comic relief, I guess?
Would a sober girl wear these glasses?
Jenny spots Blair and tells her that Gossip Girl knows “about New Year’s.” Dun dun dun! Blair doesn’t care. They exchange heated words. Jenny tells two of the mean girls that she’s ready to share her juicy gossip. And we still don’t care.
Does this dress make my head look GIGANTIC?
Blair proceeds to seduce Chuck in an awkward forced sort of way. Remember that episode of Friends where Monica decides to strip for Chandler after some sort of stripper mishap and she’s all, “Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight?” It’s like that. Blair tries to trick Chuck into saying “I love you” but he doesn’t. In fact he checks his phone instead.
Are you wearing Spanx?
Turns out G-Girl blasted everyone with more info. She’s pissed that Serena tried to find out about her. So she decides to share ALL the gossip that’s left including the New Year’s bit about Blair sleeping with Jack (who’s related to Chuck, I guess? I didn’t see that ep).
I’m craving a Samsung phone for some reason.
Blair manages to insult everyone in under a minute, but she mostly picks on Dan for no particular reason. Don’t worry, kids. She’s just projecting her anger. You’ll learn about this in Psychology 101.
Blair goes after Chuck who’s just sulking in a corner.
B: Hey, you slept with Vanessa. I slept with Jack. We’re both sluts. We’re perfect for each other!
C: Leave me alone!
B: I know you love me. Just say it, Coward.
C: Me no coward!
B: I love you. I love you and that mullet you’re starting to grow. Tell me all the horrible things we’ve done to each other means we’re in love.
C: Sorry. No can do.
Don’t make me kill you.
Lily and Rufus are livin’ it up, going through a box of memories and reminiscing on the past. What I can’t figure out is how Lily still has her hair in a bun even after she gets stoned!!!! Is that thing permanently glued to her head?????
I heart buns.
They both talk nonsense and then Rufus rolls up a piece of paper and proposes. Oh, weed and beer. Always bringing out the best in people.
We can live with my mother.
Serena blabs to Nate about how mean Gossip Girl has been. So she tricks her and sends this message:
What I love about this is the fact that The Oak Room is the name of the bar in my hometown. I can’t help but picture toothless fishermen and other local townspeople flirting with Serena. Why does she think G-girl will call her bluff? Who knows.
Blair runs into Jenny in the bathroom and I keep hoping she’s drunk because she launches into this whole history lesson about Anne Boleyn and how Jenny should marry her country instead of a real boy and Chuck sucks cuz he didn’t say “I love you.” Yes, that was one long sentence.
Do you like this strategically placed curl?
Meanwhile, back at the bar that serves teenagers, Serena and Nate eagerly await Gossip Girl’s arrival. One by one everyone in high school shows up because they all got a text from Serena to meet them there. Turns out Gossip Girl tricked them! Damn, that girl’s got a lot of time on her hands. G-girl sends a heartwarming text about how thankful she is for all their gossip and for some reason everyone is happy again.
Let’s all sing “Seasons of Love.”
Oh, and Gossip Girl slips in that she WILL be following them in college so we don’t have to worry about what’s gonna happen next season. Blair and Serena catch up on the Chuck drama while the teens all drink in public.
You know that dream where you realize you’re naked in a bar?
They both talk about how they wish Chuck was there at The Oak Room, and lo and behold, who’s standing outside of the bar staring into the window like a crazy homeless person? Chuck!
I am not homeless.
I watched this episode at my parent’s house and the best part was when my dad came in and watched the last 10 minutes.
Dad: What are these people doing?
Me: They just graduated high school?
Dad: Why are they at a hotel?
Me: It’s not a hotel. That’s their house.
Old people are funny.
S and B blah blah blah about high school. Gossip Girl has been reporting that Chuck Bass is in Europe. Actually, it sounds like everyone is going to Europe after graduation. Rich bastards.
Speaking of Europe, Vanessa and Dan chat in a coffee shop while Nate re-invites himself on the Europe trip. She tries to pretend she’s taking some other guy, but the random stranger messes up her name and the jig is up.
I love Dove soap.
They have a good laugh and Nate does convince her to take him along. I think he even said something like it doesn’t have to be romantic unless they get drunk in Italy one night. She forgets that he ever broke her heart and accepts.
Remember the random stranger who forgot Vanessa’s name? Turns out his name is Scott. As in the Scott who Lily and Rufus had when they were young but gave up for adoption although Rufus didn’t find out until many years later and when they went to find him they were told Scott was dead but he wasn’t really dead and he wrote Dan a fan letter and when Dan called to thank him the adoptive parents intercepted the call and freaked out because they thought Scott found out the truth? That Scott? From the way he eyes Dan in the coffee shop, you can bet it’s the same guy. Plus he has newspaper clippings and magazine articles about Lily and Rufus. Creepy.
Is it weird that I’m wearing a wig?
Blair finds a way to make Jenny queen.
Georgina calls Dan to say she got his money back from Poppy. Remember that plotline? Yeah, I completely forgot about it too. Turns out G is going to NYU and she’s requesting B to be her roommate. She says it in a sinister voice, of course. I didn’t think rich kids had roommates in college.
And I used to think pale girls weren’t supposed to wear nude lipstick, but things change.
Serena runs into this investigator kid who says he knows where her father is. And we still don’t care.
Last, but not least, Chuck waits for Blair outside her place. She walks up looking like the spokes model for a new lemon lime soda.
I only drink Sprite.
Chuck showers her with gifts, which means he does love her. She makes him say it. They kiss. The end.
Dad: Is he a vampire?
Me: Wrong teen drama, Dad.
Dad: But doesn’t he look like a vampire or something?
Me: I guess.
Dad: Why does he keep clenching his jaw?
Because it’s hot, old man.
And there you have it. My final comment on the season finale is “Eh”. I’m going to the killer donut place around the corner.