Gossip Girl: “They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?” (Only if We’re Lucky).

Welcome back Gasmii, I just want to say that I hope you all have enjoyed my recaps thus far, because I have certainly enjoyed writing them! I feel like the past few episodes haven’t been that great, but this week I was given lots of material to work with. This week we witness several plot-altering events: Jenny asserts her authorit-ay as Queen of Constance (and possibly even the entire UES), Blair and Serena do some patchwork on their strained friendship, and Eric gets angry…very angry. Oh yeah, and there’s a threesome. So with that, onto the recap!

GG does a voiceover and asks if we know what time of the year it is. Almost Thanksgiving? Midterms? About the time of the year when I feel like some animal preparing for hibernation because I inexplicably gain 7 pounds? No, it’s Cotillion time. Jenny and the NMG (New Mean Girls) are tromping down the street, and Jenny is chastising them for for not having found her an acceptable date for her debut. Has she not impressed on the NMG how important Cotillion is? Everyone is going to judge her on her escort, ergo, she has her sights set on Graham Collins; he’s the “hottest” guy on the UES. The NMG tell her that they’ve tried talking to Graham, but there there is “a bubble of perfection around him” that they can’t seem the penetrate. Sigh. I knew guys like that in highschool. You know, the ones who when you get within a 5 foot radius of them you forget that breathing is an involuntary action? Yeah. Anywho, Jenny tells the NMG that they’d better find a way to get Graham, or she’s taking one of their escorts. As Jenny and the NMG enter the rehearsal they get death laser glares from the various other UES Queens. GG does a voiceover to say that just like the mob, each prep school has their own boss, and although Jenny might be the John Gotti of Constance, she can still get a bullet in her head from someone else’s family.

Over at the Bass Cave, Queen Bee tells King Bass that she has a surprise for him. “In the case, why are your clothes still on?” he asks her. She says that her surprise is actually that they are going to see the Kandinsky exhibit, and having dinner together. Why is that a special surprise? You know what? I hate people who do that. They say that something silly is a “special surprise” when really, it’s just a clever way to get you to do what they want by saying that it’s “special”. Bass tells her that although he’d love to spend the evening admiring art and whatnot, it’s Nate’s move-in day, and they’re going to celebrate with a “Lost Weekend”. Don’t we all wish we had a billionaire buddy that would just let us crash in his amazing hotel, instead of having to pay rent or navigate the bathroom situation at the dorms? Actually, I just wish I were the billionaire buddy. At any rate, King Bass asks Bee why she isn’t participating in the Cotillion festivities, and she tells him that she’s trying to avoid any contact with Serena. Bass thinks that their argument is pointless, and a Cotillion isn’t a Cotillion without Blair Waldorf. Like a Tour de France without Lance Armstrong. Agreed.

She agrees as well, and sees her appearance at Cotillion as an opportunity to let Serena apologize. She heads off to the Mentor/Debs Dinner hosted by the VD Dubs, but before she does she gives Chuck a little pat on the hand and tells him not to get “too lost”. Love them.

At the Tripp Vanderbilt Offices, said Congressman is interviewing Serena. That’s right. For a job. At the office. Uh…what? She tells him that many of the responsibilities that she had while working for Casey, could easily carry over to her possible job with Tripp. Exactly what responsibilities Serena? Reapplying Tyra Banks’ mascara after she cried it off thinking about the outstanding movie career that she’ll never have? Wiping vomit from the shirt of a drunken Patrick Roberts? Or could it be getting yourself into a party that you were invited to by Tripp himself? Do explain, Serena, what difficult tasks were you asked to perform in your short career in PR that would in any way rival the stress of working in politics? Alas, Tripp doesn’t care that she is in no way qualified to have any job, and he gives her the position because she’s pretty, and there’s high potential for after hours office sex. Serena is as shocked as everyone else that he gave her the job so quickly. He tells her that he recalls the relay races they would all have as children, and how she would always win. Apparently she has the “heart of a killer” (or the legs of a freaking gazelle)

Anyway, her legs are neither here nor there, and she tells Tripp to think back to the Potato Sack Race of 1998. She still has the evidence of his unsportsmanlike behavior in the form of a scar on her hand. Let’s stop for a second and work out the mathematics on this: In 1998, Serena would have been 7-years-old, and if Tripp is now 26, that would have made him 15 in ’98. After doing the Math in my head, I get an image of a 15-year-old Tripp shoving the shit out of Serena, and it makes me laugh really hard. He tells her that she can start on Monday, and as she leaves someone comes in and says “I didn’t know we were hiring…” to which Tripp responds, “We can always use more help, right?!” Yeah Tripp, if that helps you sleep better at night…

We cut to what is apparently the only coffee shop in the entire area, where DumbDumb Humphrey, Weavealicious, and Hilary Duff are studying. Hilary Duff looks up at Weavealicious and says, “Do you think you can get brain damage from too much learning?” Someone please kill her off. As they’re discussing the adverse health affects of too much studying, a group of nerds rush up to Duff and ask her dorky questions about her horrendous movie series, and inquire about any spoilers for Endless Knights 4. Duff assures them that there’s no new Endless Knights movie in the works, because if there were she would have had 100 phone calls about it by now. Ohh, so she’s one of those girls. You know the ones Dane Cook describes? The ones who exaggerate EVERYTHING?

She then looks at her phone and sees that she has 6 missed calls. Wow Duff, think you overestimated by just a little bit?

Back at the rehearsal space, Lily is directing the Debs and their Escorts, and when Jenny tells her that she doesn’t have an escort, Lily suggests that she dance with the choreographer for the time being. She also states that working with the choreographer will be especially helpful for Jenny, whose Brooklyn background has already put her 16 years behind the UES girls who have been practicing their waltzes since they were in the womb. It’s alright though, because Lily tells Jenny, “You have your father’s natural rhythm.” Uhm… All together now: THAT’S. WHAT. SHE. SAID.

As Jenny goes to get a drink, a girl that I don’t recognize from anywhere, says hello to Jenny, and she doesn’t respond. As the girl stands there, rejected, Eric (yay!) walks up to her and introduces himself. We learn that the girl’s name is Keira, and their mothers arranged from Eric to be her escort. How cute! However, Keira isn’t interested in Eric’s cuteness, she’s only interested in the fact that he’s Jenny Humphrey’s brother. Keira, you have the most adorable little gay nugget right there in front of you, and all you care about is Queen Skeletorus-Rex? Blasphemy!

Keira tells him that she’s soooo jealous of the NMG, and how they get to hang out with Jenny everyday. If only she could be them. She tells him that she leaves sacrificial offerings for Jenny on the VD Dubs doorstep every night, and still Jenny ignores her.

I kid. I kid. She doesn’t say all that. She does ask Eric who Jenny’s escort is, and when he tells her that Jenny is obsessed with having Graham as her date, Keira sees her way in: Graham lives in her building. She could most definitely introduce them. Eric kicks her in the shin, and tells her to keep mum about Graham, as he is acquainted with the guy as well; He and Graham attended summer camp together, and he could probably introduce them himself, but that would mean doing something nice for Jenny, and he hates her. As he walks away to get ready to dance, and we see Keira take out her phone to text something, despite Eric’s warning to stay out of Jenny’s business. Oh Keira, you’ll fit in just fine with the NMG.

On the other side of town, Dan and Weavywonderlocks are discussing the lameness of their college experience thus far. They decide that in order to keep Duff from leaving school for Endless Knights 4 they have to complete the “15 Things Every College Student Must Do Before Graduating”, and the trio heads off to start the “real” college experience.

Back at the rehearsal space, Jenny is in the hallway practicing the dances. Alone. Eric walks up to her, and calls her out for not knowing the moves. She tells him that it’s not enough to just be the Queen of Constance. She also has to be the Queen of the UES, and when she’s competing against girls who have trained their whole lives to be Queen (see: Blair Waldorf), she has no chance. Instead of telling her that she sucks, and walking away like any other person would do, Eric offers to help her with her dance steps. Jenny tells him that she wishes she could just go with him, because at least then she’d have fun. Eric has a better solution: Why doesn’t she go with Jonathan? He’s a Whitney, and debuting with him will count for a lot. Eric is seriously the nicest kid ever. He can’t even follow through with being an asshole, and letting Jenny be dateless because he’s too sweet. If the world were just full of Eric Van der Woodsens it would be such a better place. As Jenny goes to tell the NMG to call off the search, Eric sees a text on her phone from Graham Collins, asking if he can be her escort for Cotillion. Eric responds to Graham and tells him that he is no longer needed because Jenny will be escorted by Jonathan. Damn you Eric! Why!? Why did you have to go and do something backstabbing?!!! Now you’re just like the rest of them! Grr.

After the commercials, we cut to the Mentor/Debs Dinner at the VD Dubs. Blair enters and when she sees Serena, she asks if there’s anything Serena would like to say to her. “Welcome?” Serena responds. Ha. When Queen Bee learns that Serena is going to be Jenny’s mentor, and that Jenny’s escort is Jonathan, Blair tells Jenny, “When you descend those stairs tomorrow night, everyone there will judge you based on that moment for the rest of your life. This is not like your wedding day! Cotillion only happens once, and you already have one strike against you with the whole Brooklyn misfortune. Add a B+ escort, and a mentor who is known more for her mugshots and topless photos than her social graces…” With that, Serena tells Jenny that perhaps it is better for Blair to be her mentor, and that she should have fun because these are “the last people in New York that still think [she] matters”. Damn!!! Sting!

We cut to Eric entering with Jonathan who is refusing to be Jenny’s escort. Rightfully so. Eric tells Jonathan that Jenny is at a tipping point: she’s not yet Darth Vader, so she could still stay Anakin. Oh Eric, you and your Star Wars references. Jonathan gives in, and says he’ll be Jenny’s escort, but she’d better not be mean or else the deal is off.

At the Tripp Vanderbilt offices, we see The Legs, I mean Serena, walk in with a plate of food for Tripp. She tells him that she figured he might be hungry, so here she is.

She sits, and they start to discuss politics, but when they both reach for the same piece of paper, sparks begin to fly. Before anything can happen, the same guy who questioned Tripp earlier about hiring Serena, interrupts them.

After the aid walks out awkwardly, Tripp realizes that he shouldn’t be alone with Serena, and he tells her to leave, so she does.

Back at the Debs/Mentor Dinner, Keira walks up to Jenny and tries to talk to her. Again. She spills the beans that she asked Graham to text Jenny, and Jenny immediately knows that Eric must have told Graham that she didn’t want to go with him, and then deleted the text. She rushes over to confront Eric who tells her that he knew if she were given the choice of going with Graham, she would do it, and then she’d be lost to the Dark Side FOREVER!!! Jonathan walks away because he’s a douchebag, and Eric admits that he knew Graham the whole time (he’s a creep). At learning this Jenny tells him that she had a plan the entire time and she should have stuck to it. She’s going to Cotillion with Graham, and when Blair says she approves, Jenny responds with this, “Actually Blair, since I’m Queen of Constance, and Graham Collins already wants to go with me, I don’t think I need you as my mentor anymore… Your era is over, and so is that headband.” Then, when Keira asks Jenny if she would like her to get in touch with Graham, Jenny tells her, “Well, now that I know he wants to go with me, I think I’ll call him myself, thank you.”

You know, as much as I hate to say it… I love this Jenny. She’s such a bitch, which is exactly what you’re supposed to be as Queen, and as much as I love Eric, I wouldn’t expect anything less from her. I (as well as many other GG fans) have been itching for some bitchy Queen action, because between Blair putting all her energies into snagging Chuck last season, and Serena being Serena, there’s been a total lack of this bitchiness that “Gossip Girl” was so famous for. So thank you, Jenny.

After the break, we head back to the Bass Hotel where King Bass is sitting in his chair, having a cup of tea surrounded by strippers, and Nate is searching for his various clothing items.

Blair enters, and apparently she’s in a good mood, because when she spots on of the strippers wearing her lingerie, instead of going ballistic, she tells her to make sure she’s careful undoing the eye-hooks, they’re tricky. As she goes to pick up her dress for Cotillion, Bass and Nate remember that the last time Queen Bee was this calm was when Serena left for boarding school.Nate asks what they’re fighting about, and Bass tells him they’re fighting about “who loves the other more than the other loves her”. Well put. They deduce that Blair is a ticking time bomb, and they need to do something before she explodes.

We switch to Tripp’s Office where Serena is leaving him a note about the new press release. He tells her that it’s probably great, and then asks her to leave. She tells him she’s not sure why he’s acting as though he doesn’t want her around, and if that’s the case then he shouldn’t have asked her to interview. He tells her that it’s exactly the opposite, he wants her around too much, and for the wrong reasons. He finds her smart (?), charming, and funny. Basically, he’s crushing on her, and it’s fucking distracting. Let’s just pause here and examine this from the feminist perspective: I’m not exactly a fan of Serena’s sluttylicious ways, but why should she have to feel awkward just because she’s pretty, and that makes Tripp uncomfortable? For that matter, why should any woman feel as though she needs to tone down her beauty because the men in her field can’t control themselves? Hey guys, it’s just as uncomfortable for us when we know that all you’re doing is envisioning what we look like under our skirts and button ups (one shouldered dresses in Serena’s case) instead of listening to the words that are coming out of our mouths. Just a thought.

Somewhere on the UES (not sure where), Blair is explaining highschool politics to Keira. As she gets a home-dye job on her hair, Keira tells Bee that she doesn’t want to be the Queen, she just wants to befriend the Queen. Bee tells her that being friends with leggy blondes can only end in pain and heartache, therefore you have to hurt them before they can hurt you.

We then have a montage of all the girls getting ready for Cotillion:

And a montage of Dan, Weave Kong, and Hilary Duff having tons of fun at a party:

When Hilary leaves to take a phone call the nerds from the cafe rush up to Dan. They are concerned that Dan is going to convince Duff not to take the movie job, and therefore he’s single-handedly going to ruin the entire Endless Knights series. Duff comes back and lets them all know that she has to take the movie, so the nerds need not worry. Good. She’ll get off this show then.

Back at Queen Bee’s place, Keira does her slow-mo down the stairs, looking much prettier, but she’s still unsure that anyone is going to think she looks better than Jenny. Blair tells her that they will when they see who her escort is. As they walk down the hall we see Eric walk out of the elevator with Graham Collins. Snap.

After commercials, it’s Cotillion time. We see Nate walk in, and all the girls gasp and whisper about him. Question: Why is Nate there, but Dan isn’t? It is Dan’s little sister’s debut, isn’t it? Whatever. Rufus and Lily tell Jenny that she looks beautiful, blah blah blah. As Blair is correcting Keira’s dancing, Nate walks up to her and gives her a note, supposedly from Chuck, asking her to meet him in his private lounge. Before leaving, she asks Eric how he got Graham to ditch Jenny for Keira, and he tells that something went down at summer camp and he threatened to reveal it if Graham didn’t do what he said.

In the Bass Hotel, Blair exits the elevator to find Serena standing in the private lounge. When asked what she’s doing there, Serena states, “You texted me, and then you left me waiting here for a half hour…” They realize that they have been set up, but as they hop on the elevator to go back to the ballroom, it stalls. Bee presses the emergency call button and says, “Hello, I’m trapped in the elevator with someone who sucks all of the air out of the room. Send help or I’ll be dead within the hour.” HA-HA-HA! Chuck’s voice comes through the speaker to tell them that he isn’t going to let them out until they discuss their problems.

Down in the ballroom, the girls are making their debuts. However, when it’s time for Jenny to make her debut, it comes out that she isn’t going to escorted by Graham, and she’s left standing there dateless. That’s really embarrassing. We then see those Plasticine girls performing that song about being a bitch, that would in reality NEVER be played at a Cotillion. Jenny rushes offstage and Rufus stops her to ask if she wants to find someone else to debut with. She tells him it doesn’t work that way… you only get one chance to debut, and she blew it. She sees Eric, and tells him that she knows Blair is behind the scheme, and she’s going to get her back, because this was her Jenny’s only chance to prove that she’s something, and not just a nobody from Brooklyn.

In the elevator Serena and Blair are having their heart-to-heart. She reveals to Blair that she went searching for her father, but he didn’t want to see her. She tells Blair it sucks because all of Blair’s fathers love her, Rufus (despite being Rufus) would do anything for Dan and Jenny, and even though Nate has to visit his father in prison, at least he’s still there for him. Uh, yeah Serena, he’s there for Nate because he literally has nowhere else to go, and last time I checked, Chuck doesn’t even have a father anymore, so stop your bitching! At any rate, Bee tells Serena that her father neglecting her is his loss because Serena is a great person and blah blah and all the things you’re supposed to tell your friend when their parents don’t want to be a part of their lives. On a more serious note, this scene is really sad. Sure, Serena makes stupid decisions, and doesn’t think things through all the way. Sure, she wears strapless dresses in the middle of November, and rivals Nate for the “Biggest Fuck Up” award, but of all the main characters on this show she really asks for the least; she wants to get along with Blair, to have her male friends stop using her to further their agendas, and for her father to send her an effing letter. She doesn’t manipulate people for fun, she honestly never cared about being Queen, and it seems like she just gets thrown into things without any say so. Her greatest desire is probably for someone to actually listen to her, and for once not write her off as a dumb blonde. I don’t know why I’m so sympathetic to Serena this episode. Ugh. Shake it off, Rocksmiles, shake it off.

Anyway, she tells Blair that she’s screwed up everything else, and now she’s screwing up her relationship with Tripp because of her crush. Blair tells her that she cannot under any circumstances do anything with Tripp because he’s a married Congressman. Au contraire, Miss Waldorf, that is exactly why Serena and Tripp should have an affair…they would simply be keeping with tradition. She makes Serena promise not to see Tripp unless she consults with her first, and Serena agrees. Friendship back on track. Woo-hoo!

Over at the Humphrey Loft, the WeaveDuffrey Trio are lounging around discussing their night. They ended up getting through 14 of the 15 things on the “Things to Do Before You Graduate” list. Duff tells them that she isn’t leaving until she does all 15 things. What’s the 15th thing, you’re wondering? (Drumroll) ….A threesome. She chugs down the rest of her drink and then kisses Dan and then kisses Vanessa. WTF? Hilary Duff doesn’t do things like this! Hilary Duff does things like this:

Back at Cotillion it looks like Jenny has found an escort. She walks the stage with…NATE!!! All of the other Queens are blown away because walking with a college guy is just the most amazing thing that could ever happen to a girl at her debut. Sometimes I forget that the characters on the show usually don’t see the dummy, pothead Nate that the audience sees, and the characters probably all see him as “Nathaniel Archibald” the Columbia student. Nice move, Jenny. GG voices over to tell us that “Nobody puts Jenny in a corner, and now she’s having the time of her life…” Kill me. Just kill me now. And I don’t say that because, you know, Patrick Swayze is dead–wait–too soon? I didn’t mean it. I loved him. That was just…ugh…foot in mouth…moving on…

We see Eric and Jonathan meet up. Jonathan asks if Eric was serious on his message when he said that he’d been scheming with Blair. When Eric confirms that he and Blair had been working together, Jonathan scolds him for sinking to Jenny’s level, and he can’t date someone who’s into all these teenaged politics. He liked Eric because he was different, and now he’s just like everyone else, so they have to break up. I hate Jonathan. He’s on my “Hate List” right under Dan and Hilary.

When Jenny asks Eric if he wants to go out with the rest of the Mean Girls, he tells her to go have fun with her friends. As she walks out she passes Keira and tells her she better watch her back, and as Jenny and crew leave, Keira and Eric decide that next time they take Jenny down, they’re taking her down for good.

At Tripp’s Offices, Serena has come to give him her resignation. He flaps his gums about how she shouldn’t quit just because of him, and he’ll try to be a good boy from now on. He trusts her, and he thinks she deserves the opportunity to make something of herself. He promises to keep things friendly and professional, but then he grabs her hand and there are sparks and fireworks and bedroom eyes, and he can’t keep himself under control for 10 seconds after saying that he will. You Vanderbilts, always going back on your word! Luckily, Blair interrupts before anything can happen.

We cut to Lily, who is looking through the mail, and she sees a letter from Serena’s father addressed to Serena. There’s scary music, and Lily looks shocked. Ten bucks says she hides the letter. Then we get this shot:

Can I just say…WHAT A WASTE OF A GOOD THREESOME!!! Seriously writers, if you’re going to do something like this, you’d better make it good. Tripp/Serena/Nate, good. Nate/Chuck/Blair, good. Serena/Blair/Nate, good. Blair/Serena/Chuck, good. I can literally think of about 10 other combinations that would be a billion times better than Hilary Duff/Dan/Vanessa. Jesus, go big or go home. We see that Casey is texting Duff to tell her that the movie is off, so she can stay at school after all. Hmm…this should make for some awkward times ahead.

Alright Gasmii, lesson for this week: Don’t count your eggs before they’ve hatched, or your dates before they’ve confirmed, because you don’t want to be left standing there while someone else steals your man (or woman) right out from under you.

See you next week! (It looks like there’s lots of drama to be had in the coming episodes)

-Rocksmiles