Hold on tight, Dan, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
After last week’s repeat, Gossip Girl is back and jumping right in where we left off. As a quick recap: Jenny showed up at the masked ball to get revenge on Upchuck. She was confused for Serena, and grabbed by Nate, who told “Serena” he’s not over her and kissed her. Blair grabbed “Serena” and ripped a bracelet off Jenny’s wrist. Jenny didn’t notice this, but Blair did, and figured out that “Serena” was actually Jenny. Dan’s old girlfriend, Vanessa, came back to town but Dan chose to stay with Serena instead (likely because Vanessa’s presumptuous and annoying). Lily and Rufus shared a kiss. And Nate found his father’s cocaine stash but wound up taking the blame when his mother found it as well.
Burlesque is all the rage, and Upchuck’s at a burlesque strip show, merely keeping up with the latest trends, mind you. He’s instantly enamored with a brunette whose back is turned, preventing us from seeing her face. But she looks suspiciously like Blair…
We jump to two days earlier. It’s daytime, and Blair and Upchuck are at the burlesque club. We find out Upchuck wants his dad to invest in the place. Nothing says wise investment like half-naked whores. And if Upchuck Senior doesn’t go for it, junior’s got a classy adult video company in mind as well. As he sings the club’s praises, Blair looks decidedly interested in his talk of escapism and no-holds-barred sexuality. Looks like all those attempted seductions of Nate are making Blair a little frisky. Blair reassures Upchuck that his dad will love it as she runs off to school and he goes to make the pitch.
Those CW cartoonists are really giving the Wall Street Journal guys a run for their money.
At the Archibald’s, Nate’s mom says she called Dina Lohan and got a list of the best drug treatment centers money can buy. Nate moodily glares at the pamphlets until Cappy McDouche sends his wife away for a little father-son cocaine chat. Once alone, Nate confronts his father while Cappy whines about how work’s been so hard lately but he “doesn’t like coke” and he’ll totally flush the drugs. Yeah, only because he’s got 7 other bags shoved in the glove box of his Rolls. Cappy runs out the room, but not before congratulating himself on landing the Waldorf account and Nate on landing the Waldorf. There’s definitely something ick about that last part.
Serena and Dan are so the people I hated in high school, pressed up against a wall at school and practically having sex. I’m in biology class to learn about reproduction, I don’t need a live demonstration, thank you. In between dry humps, they discuss less offensive places for them to have sex. You’re rich. Get a hotel room and stop rounding third at school. Dan doesn’t seem quite as eager to have sex as Serena, but he’s hardly putting up a big fight.
Jenny, who’s freaking out over that lost bracelet, runs into Nate in the hallway at school. He’s finally realized that he had been talking to Jenny at the masked ball, and launches into a diatribe of how he didn’t really mean what he said about not being over Serena. Jenny claims she doesn’t give a shit, but warns him that Blair and Dan might. Nate pulls out a box of chocolates and tries to bribe her to keep her silence. Jenny looks at him in disbelief – seriously, in her mind, he might as well given her a cup of lard – when Blair plops down next to Nate and asks what they’re talking about. Nate makes up a story, and of course gives the chocolates to Blair. I’m sure she’ll enjoy them both going forward and in reverse. Annoyed, Jenny tries to walk away and Blair chases after her. Blair dangles the bracelet in front of Jenny, letting Jenny know that she knows about the deception at the ball. They both smile fakely, but Jenny is clearly worried.
This plot device is making you verrrrry, verrrry sleepy…
Back at the Bass’s, Upchuck Senior and Lily are talking about taking their relationship public and are making out a little when Upchuck walks in and catches the show. Lily valiantly tries to pretend they were just talking, and is making a graceful exit when Upchuck points out she missed a button on her shirt. Heh. Once alone, Upchuck tells his dad that he has a great investment idea (without mentioning it’s a strip club, albeit a classy one), and Upchuck Senior praises his son for taking an interest in their holdings. Upchuck practically wets himself in excitement of his father’s approval, and they agree to talk more later on.
Back at school, Blair is harassing Serena for details about Serena’s sex life. Seriously, Blair, just go on a discrete shopping trip, pick up some batteries at CVS, and stop acting so pervy. By the time Blair starts talking about strap-ons, Serena brings a halt to the conversation and voices her concern that maybe she’s pushing Dan to move faster than he wants to. Sure enough, Dan’s in mid-nightmare at that very moment, dreaming that as a virgin he won’t be able to adequately pleasure the town bicycle. Maybe he can ask Nate for tips?
Rufus, who is on the phone, wakes Dan up from the nightmare. Rufus is yelling at his wife about some dude she’s having sex with. Dan briefly talks to Rufus about how awkward it is to know that his mom’s having an affair, and Jenny walks in to catch the tail end of the conversation. But when she asks them what they’re talking about, both guys clam up. “Jenny, darling, your mother’s a whore” conversations are never easy. Unless you’re Frank Reynolds. Then you just shout that shit out in the middle of a restaurant.
Nate calls Cappy to tell his father that he’s on his way to meet him for a drink. Cappy vaguely says he can’t make it because he has to work, and you just know he’s sitting there with a razor blade in one hand and a rolled-up dollar bill in the other. The look on Nate’s face suggests that Nate doesn’t buy it, either. He heads over to his father’s club, and spies on Cappy until he sees Cappy buy some drugs in the most conspicuous way possible. He seriously just stands around until a guy approaches him, and then flashes a huge wad of money while the dealer holds the drugs out in plain sight. You guys are awesome. Experts in subtlety.
Hey thanks for a great time last night. Even a Dartmouth man needs to be sexually dominated sometimes.
Meanwhile, Upchuck’s back at the burlesque club, a stripper on his lap. As he’s about to kiss her, he notices his dad standing there and not looking too happy. Upchuck Senior wastes no time letting junior know that he will not be investing in a strip club, and suggests that Upchuck get a decent grade or a part-time job if he wants to impress him. Not really bad advice. Upchuck stands there stunned and hurt while his father leaves, but he follows his dad outside a few moments later. That’s when he sees his father with a curvy, young girl who is definitely not Lily. You can see the wheels turning in Upchuck’s head. Yes, revealing that little dirty secret is really going to up his respect for you. Good plan.
Meanwhile, Blair’s mom tells her that Mrs. Archibald told her that the gorgeous family heirloom diamond ring will be Blair’s someday. Blair assumes this means that Nate’s asked his mother for the ring in order to propose at some point, but this is definitely a case of two rich, vapid socialites making assumptions about their childrens’ futures. This scene is pretty random, and I can only assume will be tied in later.
Check out that painting. I see Eleanor’s fug taste is not limited to her clothing line.
In the ghetto, Dan and Serena have taken their show indoors and to the privacy of Dan’s bedroom. Serena’s attempting to basically rape virgin Dan, while he makes lame excuses like it’s too bright in the room. What, afraid she’ll see your stretch marks? Did you not have time for some personal grooming? But just as Serena’s finished tying him up, Vanessa pulls another Joey and clambers in through the window. Dan immediately shows a hurt Vanessa the door, but Rufus comes home before Serena can get back to work.
Upchuck is now wasted and loitering around the Palace hotel grounds. Lily finds him outside slumped on the ground, but as she’s trying to do her good deed of the week and help him inside, he reveals that daddy’s been pawing at some pretty young thing. Upset, Lily runs off and leaves Upchuck alone on the front steps to debate if he feels like publicly pissing or vomiting first. I’d vote vomiting. It’s a close one, but I feel that that’s the more socially acceptable option.
Nate’s at home, and sits down with his reluctant mother to spill the beans – the drugs are Cappy’s, not Nate’s. She won’t believe him at first, but when he finally gets through to her, she’s all like, well he’s under pressure and you’ve been a real pain in the ass lately. Nate insists that Cappy needs help and she grins eerily and tells him everything’s fine and they should get ready for dinner. Okay, that was creepy.
Botox is really a bitch.
Across town, Dan’s watching porn – and taking notes. Evidently he’s studying how to properly give Serena a facial when they finally get around to hooking up. As he’s admiring Ron Jeremy’s techniques, Vanessa strolls in without knocking and scares the crap out of Dan. He tries to hide the porn but she busts him, and starts giving him hell about how when they were dating he was morally against having sex. Yes, but you gotta take advantage of dating a panty-dropper. When he doesn’t respond much to those digs, she assures him that Serena will know what to do, given that she’s a whore and all. But Vanessa does give him some good seduction tips (i.e. football sheets don’t really scream “do me now, virgin!”) before he kicks her out yet again. Vanessa, take the hint and get off this show. You suck.
So, you want to take this out for a test drive?
Jenny and Blair are hanging out, with Blair lecturing Jenny that if Jenny goes behind her back again, Jenny will be tossed out on her K-Mart ass faster than she can say where’s the bargain bin. After getting that settled, Blair excitedly tells Jenny that Nate’s going to give her the Archibald family diamond ring. Jenny looks a little nauseated as Blair babbles about marriage and love, but keeps her mouth shut. Finally, Blair notices Jenny’s expression, and accuses her of being jealous and taunts her that Jenny would never have a shot at Nate. Umm, since Nate is evidently interested in having sex with anyone but Blair, I’m thinking Jenny would. As Blair continues to pressure her, Jenny tearfully tells Blair about what Nate said and the fact that he kissed “Serena.” Blair’s eyes get suspiciously watery, and she kicks Jenny would abruptly, telling her she’s “dismissed for good.” You know, because it’s totally Jenny’s fault that Nate’s a pathetic, pining loser. But I really want these two as enemies, because Blair definitely needs a new target if she’s going to be hunky-dory with Serena.
Looks like we’re in another one of Dan’s nightmares, and this one has a HUGE ick factor. Basically, we’re seeing the same old Nate/Serena sex scene, but this time Dan’s in a chair watching it. When he compliments Serena on wrapping her leg around Nate’s waist, Serena chirps to Dan that it’s sexy AND increases stability when you’re trying to fuck on a bar stool. Dan and I both make a note of that one. Nate also advises Dan to grab Serena’s hair and unbutton his shirt a little. I don’t know who’s more uncomfortable – me watching this, or the actors acting it. So disturbing.
Shit, is he bigger than me?
Jenny and Vanessa are talking about the Blair/Nate situation, but it quickly becomes clear that Jenny’s also talking about the rift and lack of communication between Rufus and her mom. Vanessa recommends that Jenny get her parents in the same room so they can hash it out, and see if there’s hope left for them. Blech. If I have to watch a Rufus storyline, I’m much more interested in him and Lily together.
So now Blair and Nate, along with their parents, are at a dinner party. Blair is giving Nate a cold shoulder, and Cappy is getting plowed on red wine. Cappy suggests that Blair try on the diamond ring (that his doormat of a wife is currently wearing), and Blair refuses while Cappy and Eleanor insist. Blair finally gives in, while Cappy babbles about how happy their marriage will be. I don’t understand why Cappy is being so goddamned pushy. He already landed the Waldorf account, and while I’m sure he still wants Nate with Blair to ensure the future of that account, he’s acting like my grandmother when she starts ranting that her only grandchild is going to die alone at this rate. Which is so not true, by the way. I’ll have cats. At least 20 of them.
Back at the burlesque club, Upchuck is laying dazed in a booth when Upchuck Senior and the pretty young thing plop down on either side of him. Turns out PYT is a reporter trying to get involved in investing, and is therefore not dating Pops but merely hanging out with him for some advice. Well, at least so far. Not only that, but PYT has convinced Pops that the club is a good investment after all. So yay except… oh yeah, what was that Upchuck said to Lily? PYT scampers off to play with some My Little Ponies and other age-appropriate toys, and Upchuck tells his dad that he has to tell him something…
Tell me, son – what’s your opinion on threesomes?
Speaking of dads, Nate has taken his dad outside and is lecturing Cappy that he’s acting like a drunken fool and jeopardizing the Waldorf account he’s wanted so bad in the first place. Cappy gets all defensive and insists on going back in. Nate tries to grab Cappy’s arm to stop him, and Cappy whirls around and punches Nate in the face. I laugh. A lot. Nate’s totally in the right about this specific situation, but he definitely deserves getting sucker punched for many other reasons. Keep those coming. Just as Cappy punches Nate, a cop rolls up and asks Nate if everything’s all right. Nate tells Cappy that he needs help, and then tells the cop to take his father away, and check Cappy’s pockets while he’s at it. As Nate turns to go back inside, he bribes the door guy to keep his mouth shut – but we see that Blair has been watching from the window.
It’s been a long time coming, pretty boy.
Upchuck Senior’s back to being pissed at his son, knowing now that Upchuck told Lily about PYT. Upchuck Senior runs off to try to find Lily and fix things, but does instruct PYT and junior to set up a meeting about really investing in the burlesque club. So it looks like this burlesque club may become a permanent fixture in the Gossip Girl world. That’s cool. Brandon and Dylan had the Peach Pit, Zack and Slater had The Max, and now Nate and Upchuck have Victrola. Every teen show needs a hangout!
Nate’s trying to get in a cab to go to the new local hangout (where instead of a burger and some sage advice from Nat, you get stale peanuts and nipple tassels), when Blair runs out and demands to know where he’s going. She admits she saw Cappy get arrested, and he says he didn’t tell her about his father’s problems because she’s always distracted with her social calendar shit. She then twists the conversation to the masked ball, and reveals she knows about Nate’s run-in with “Serena.” Tearfully, she asks if he even loves her, and Nate merely looks at the ground. Ouch, that one had to hurt. She tells him to go take care of Cappy, because Cappy needs him and she doesn’t. She then hops in the cab to go to the club instead. Ah, Blair, you selfish immature little brat, I heart you.
Meanwhile, Dan is finally ready to try out those Ron Jeremy moves, and leads Serena into his bedroom where he’s set up tons of candles and changed the football sheets. Serena looks around in awe, but I’m kind of worried that she’s going to catch her head on fire if she tosses her hair around as violently as she did in those Nate sex scene flashbacks. Although that wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. It’d actually be kinda awesome.
And now we’re back at the beginning of the episode. Blair and Upchuck are hanging out at the burlesque club, and Blair’s drinking while eyeing the ladies more appreciatively than even Upchuck is. She loftily tells him that she has moves, and he triple dog dares her to get up there. Sure enough, she jumps on the stage and begins stripping. She looks incredible, and was definitely the mystery lady in the first scene. Upchuck looks decidedly impressed (not to mention aroused), so maybe this pairing isn’t such a crazy idea.
Nate’s a fucking idiot.
Dan and Serena are in the midst of the most boring foreplay ever – chaste kisses with a whole mountain of sheets and blankets separating their bodies. It really puts that whole Nate sex scene in a different light–the light of good sex versus this snooze fest. As Dan moves in for the kill, Serena stops him to tell him she’s scared that he’s just going to be a two-pump chump. And something about how she’s never actually made love before, just had some good fucking. Like with Nate – not you, Dan. They then cuddle. I roll my eyes. Shit or get off the pot, guys.
Nate arrives home, and finds his mother about to head off to bail Cappy out. She’s not so damn chipper this time, and reveals that the bail is 7 million dollars due to some “other charges” Cappy’s facing. Turns out ol’ Cappy was snorting the nose candy while engaging in some recreational fraud and embezzlement. Best dad ever! Does this mean Nate will wind up broke? Awesome. He’s got a pretty face – I can think of a few ways for him to earn some dough. And I don’t mean modeling.
Lily – remember her? – is at Rufus’s gallery, prowling for a little ego-repairing sex. He calls her out on it, but lets her stay regardless. They wind up sharing a romantic evening, while we see Jenny arriving on her mother’s doorstep, telling her she has to come home. Don’t care. The fewer parents the better as far as I’m concerned.
Blair and Upchuck are in his limo, and she thanks him for driving her home. He tells her she looked awesome on the stage, and she scoots over on the seat and kisses him on the mouth! I know he’s insane and fucked up and all, but I totally fangirl squealed. Y’all know I’ve been mentioning this as a good pairing for a while now. He pulls back slightly and asks if she’s sure, proving that he may indeed have real feelings for Blair somewhere in there. Silently, she presses herself against him and they begin making out – hardcore. Maybe Blair will finally shed that pesky virginity after all.
Yowza! Now that is chemistry (Dan and Serena, take note)!
So wow, Blair and Upchuck. What do you guys think – an even match of two schemers, or horrifying considering Upchuck’s pesky tendency of trying to date rape girls? For now, I’m willing to ignore his sketchiness in order to see Blair with someone strong enough to handle her vicious streak. Are you?