Gossip Girl: Wedding Bells & Death Knells

This week on Gossip Girl, Georgina goes down in a flaming ball of fury and humiliation, Rufus grows a pair and stops Lily’s wedding, and Dan and Serena finally break up and stop lulling me to sleep every time they’re on screen together.

Well, 1 out of 3 ain’t bad.

And Serena should never make this face again.

We open the morning after Rufus’s show with Serena leaving Dan her billionth voicemail (remember what we learned last week about what it means if someone’s ignoring repeated phone calls). Frustrated, she declares that she’s just going to come over, and hops a cab. Meanwhile, Serena’s mommy and Dan’s daddy are waking up in bed together — hopefully not in the ghetto where Serena will find them. That shit will scar you for life. Rufus’s phone rings and he answers it to find out his band has booked the opening act for an upcoming concert. They must be reeeeally desperate. As he breathes “oh my god” in happiness, Lily’s breathing the same words, realizing that she’s a dirty whore. She jumps out the bed, and begins babbling about how it’s her wedding day before thanking Rufus for some great sex as if he’s a gigolo. Not like he minds, since this is the first time he’s gotten laid since the blackout of 2003 (when he was mistaken in the dark for someone else). Bart picks that moment to call Lily, and she quickly explains her MIA status by claiming it’s bad luck for them to see each other the day of the wedding. Yet she illogically agrees moments later to go meet him. Smooth.

Also waking up in bed together this morning is Blair and Chuck (yay!). Blair regains consciousness first, and with a horrified gasp, leaps up and smacks Chuck awake. Nothing like a tender “good morning sunshine.” Evidently these two were up late plotting Georgina’s downfall and passed out — with Blair on the bed and Chuck on the floor. Never trust a Bass in the bedroom, for the Chuckster snuck up on the bed after Blair was sawing logs. Sidenote: as much as I adore Chuck, I don’t usually find him physically attractive — but this rumpled look he’s got going is working wonders for him. I definitely would not mind waking up to that. A squabble ensues, the best part of which is when we learn Chuck sometimes leaves his scarf on when having sex. I think that may be worse than socks — what do you think? Although the worst thing to bring to bed will always be The Accommodator (google at your own risk, 10000% NSFW).

Elsewhere, Nate and a freshly-sprung from rehab Cappy McDouche are back to their jogging routine. They’re both all optimistic about his sobriety and chances of an acquittal, which tells me Cappy will be snorting blow and dropping the soap in no time. One can only hope, at least. Nate’s excited about Cappy going to the wedding so he can meet Vanessa, although he’s puzzled by the weak excuses Cappy gives for his mother’s absence. As Nate’s still trying to figure that one out, Cappy’s phone rings. This all happens in the span of about a minute, but it could have been 3 years and Nate still would be standing there, scratching his head. Cappy claims the call is from his “sponsor”, as he asks Nate to give him some privacy. Stupid as always, Nate’s like gee whiz, Pops, that’s swell, and moseys on off to play in the sandbox with the other slow kids. Cappy then answers the phone and makes mysterious plans to meet someone right after the wedding ceremony.

“You’re not going to be able to get away with that much hair product at Dartmouth, son.”

Serena’s in the ghetto, banging on the Humphrey door that Dan eventually opens while pulling on a shirt. Serena immediately dives in for a big kiss, while Dan stands there mutely and makes awkward faces, clearly telling us that Georgina’s in the apartment somewhere. Sometimes I think Dan gives Nate a run for his money for biggest idiot. Say something! Sure enough, Georgina walks into the room moments later. Serena’s pissed as hell, as Georgina purposely makes the situation worse — claiming that Dan led her to believe he was single, that she never meant to come between them, etc, all with a shit-eating grin on her face that she hides from Dan. Georgina tries to leave, playing the scared, innocent bystander card, and when Dan tries to prevent Georgina from leaving, Serena loses her shit and tries to attack her. Unfortunately, Dan shields Georgina as Serena rants she’s a lying sociopath. This is not doing Serena any favors, I might add. Georgina finally escapes as Serena yells that she’s telling Dan everything.

So Serena and Dan sit down to do exactly that. She finishes the tale, and Dan seems to accept everything that happened, but yet remains aloof. Well that’s… anticlimatic. Serena smiles weakly, and stands up while saying that everything can now go back to normal since she knows Dan and Georgina merely fell asleep, and nothing happened. Dan makes the same awkward faces he made before, and resists the urge to play with Georgina’s panties that he’s got shoved in his pocket. Serena leaves, telling him she knows they’re forever, and mentioning that she had told Lily to stay away from Rufus because of the high score on the creep-o-meter. Once she’s gone, Dan picks up the phone and calls Blair. Wouldn’t it be awesome if he were calling to see how many of Serena’s friends he could sleep with in 24 hours? But alas, this is Dan we’re talking about. He must be calling to whine for help. And maybe spout off some judgmental observations.

Lily arrives for her wedding-day meeting with Bart, which is taking place in an empty kitchen of the first building he ever bought. Looks like a wildly successful investment. He babbles about how he likes to revisit his past, but maybe it’s time to let go, blah blah, all things that are supposed to echo the thoughts in Lily’s head. She finally advises him that she thinks he should let go of the past. He agrees and asks if she can do the same for him — which seems a little out of left field since I don’t think Bart has any idea Lily’s been hanging out/sleeping with Rufus since at least their engagement. Regardless, Lily lies and says she can.

“Well, this is nice and all, Bart, but seeing as though it’s my wedding day, there’s kinda some other shit I could be doing right now.”

Dan has arrived at Blair’s and together they call Georgina’s cell phone. They get “Sarah’s” voicemail, and Dan leaves the message he and Blair planned out ahead of time — telling Georgina that Serena’s basically insane and he wants to see G as soon as possible. He hangs up and complains about how he’s not good at plotting and Blair awesomely says, “Don’t worry, virgin, I’ll talk you through it.” Seconds later, Georgina calls back (after screening the voicemail to make sure Dan wasn’t calling to tell her she’s a fucking psycho bitch). Dan lays it on thick, saying “last night” really changed things for him, and he wants to dump Serena’s ass. This convinces a cocky and triumphant Georgina to meet him in the park. He hangs up and Blair congratulates him on a successful trap — although she does ask what he meant when he mentioned “last night” to Georgina. He dodges the question, but you know Blair’s a bloodhound when it comes to gossip and Dan can’t keep a secret. It’ll come out eventually.

In the park, Dan tells Georgina that last night meant a lot, but when she tries to take his hand and say they should be together forever (umm, creepy!), he pulls up short and lets her know that Serena told him everything and he believes S. Georgina whines and throws a pity party for one, saying she can’t believe he’s going to leave her all alone — as Blair comes up from behind to announce that Georgina isn’t alone after all. Nope, not when Georgina’s parents are here! Let’s just say the Sparks are pissed as hell with their daughter. Selling a show pony for cocaine and ditching out of rehab (despite lasting longer than LiLo) tend to do that. As Georgina tries to run away, Blair thrusts a pamphlet in her hands and the Sparks announce they’re shipping her troubled ass off to boot camp. “Haven’t you heard”? Blair asks her sweetly. “I’m the crazy bitch around here.” Blair is so fucking awesome.

“Oh crap. Now the voices in my head are starting to sound like Blair Waldorf. Not good.”

Now while I’m pumped for Georgina’s new friends to own her ass, is this really the end of the Georgina story line? She’s just going to go out with a whimper and her tail between her legs after drugging her BFF, blackmailing her with a snuff film, and trying (at least) to fuck her boyfriend using a fake identity? I was really looking forward to Georgina having 1 last big move, or a true showdown between her and Serena, or at least Blair doing something more cruelly devious than tattling to the Sparks. I’m sure the writer’s strike messed up the pace of some of these story lines, but this resolution is the plot equivalent of sex in a public restroom — might sound good at first, but winds up just being hurried and unsatisfying.

Back in the ghetto, Dan’s giving Rufus shit about not coming home the night before, which crosses my normal parent-child interaction line. If they start discussing which positions give her more pleasure, I’m out of here. Rufus is all excited about his tour, so Dan decides to be a killjoy and bring up Lily’s wedding, and how the reason why Lily balked before with Rufus was because Serena told her to. Pensive, Rufus leaves just as Jenny escorts Vanessa out of her bedroom — wearing a hideous orange dress Jenny made for her to wear at the wedding. Yeesh. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing when Jenny pawned her sewing machine, if this is the kind of thing she’s going to make with it. I think I’d rather take my chances with Helen Keller as my seamstress. Sure, there may be a little blood on the dress here and there from when she stabbed herself with the needle, but at least I wouldn’t look like a walking citrus fruit.

Hey Vanessa, Rainbow Brite called. She wants LaLa Orange’s costume back.

Time for the wedding! Blair arrives and strolls up to Chuck to give him shit about his best man speech he’s been worried about. In turn, he asks how things went with Dan and “Orangina.” Blair says it went off without a hitch, although Dan didn’t enjoy the plotting, given it was his first time and no one enjoys their first time. Chuck of course can’t let that one slide, which earns him a choking by bow tie and a kick in the shins as Blair declares they no longer have anything in common and therefore do not need to interact anymore. Oh, Blair, just give it up and get on your back already. You know you want to.

Nate and Cappy arrive at this point, and Chuck is there to greet them as he paces and reviews his speech. Noticing the coolness between the two boys, Cappy cheerfully advises them that whomever the girl is who caused the drama, she’s not worth it. Chuck hastily agrees, which prompts Nate to mutter “that’s the problem” as he walks by. Does this mean that if Chuck were to tell/show Nate that he actually does deeply care for Blair, Nate would be okay with it? Discuss.

“I don’t know about you kids, but I could sure go for an eight-ball right now!”

Blair goes and finds Serena, who’s wearing a questionable floral dress just like Blair, as well as some black gloves similar to the kind favored by OJ Simpson. Serena mentions that Lily’s heart just doesn’t seem into this wedding, which the two girls pause to consider for a heartbeat before turning the focus back on themselves as only high school girls can. Blair notes that Dan hasn’t arrived yet, but Serena remains confident that he will and that she’s working on forgiveness. Confused, Blair points out that it’s Dan who’s supposed to be forgiving Serena, and Serena responds cryptically. Looks like someone suspects the truth about “last night.”

Chuck is still pacing around outside when he sees Cappy approach a sketchy looking dude across the street. Seriously, all this guy needs is a trench coat and curled mustache to twirl to be the stereotypical bad guy. A fluffy cat to stroke wouldn’t hurt, either. As Chuck watches, Cappy gives the dude a wad of cash, and then pockets the envelope he receives in return. Motioning over a security guard, Chuck requests the guard keep a close eye on Cappy in case he decides to go into a coke-fueled rage halfway through the vows.

Meanwhile, Lily is getting ready in the bridal chambers when Rufus strolls in, shocking the hell out of her. He helps her put on a bracelet as they calmly chat about him going out there and announcing that he still smells like her vag and the wedding is off. Although she seems tempted, she doesn’t think they can pick up from 20 years ago. Besides, she’s waited a whole 6 months between marriages this time, and she’s lonely, dammit. Other protests include Rufus not having enough money, despite his multi-million dollar loft in the ghetto, and the ick factor with their children also doing it. However, it looks like Rufus is getting her to crack as he implores her to think of their past.

“Experience tells me four glasses should hit the perfect balance between drunk enough to go through with this and sober enough to not vomit on the Vera.”

Outside, Eric, Chuck and Bart are waiting for Lily, who is running late due to her visit from Rufus. Meanwhile, Dan arrives with LaLa Orange, who suggests he grab a passing Serena right then to engage in a difficult, emotional chat just as the wedding’s about to start. God, Vanessa sucks at life. As Serena senses what’s about to happen, she quickly insists she doesn’t want to know who what went down last night. Dan interrupts and says he didn’t sleep with Georgina but “he may as well have.” What does that mean? Got tagged out between third and home? Before Serena can ask for clarification, she’s whisked away by the irate wedding planner, leaving Dan looking annoyed and indignant. I mean, what is Serena’s problem? It’s not like it’s her mom’s wedding and she’s due to walk down the aisle any second. Oh, wait. Yeah Dan sucks too.

Back to Rufus and Lily, who are all smiles and cheer as they clasp hands and exchange I love yous. It’s looking like they’re calling the wedding off until… he teases her about not tripping as she walks down the aisle, and she laughingly assures him that she won’t, no matter how many glasses of champagne she’s chugged to convince herself that marrying a Bass is a good idea. He chuckles, then lets her walk away as the wedding march sounds. WTF was that?! Lily’s supposed to be the love of his life, and he supposedly came to convince her to call off the wedding, and he’s just going to be like “break a leg, champ!”? Just like the Georgina wrap-up, how much does this resolution ring false to you guys? I’ve never cared much for the Rufus-Lily story line, but why the hell did we invest so much time in it for such an anticlimatic, odd ending? Sure enough, we see Serena walking down the aisle moments later with all the grace of a sorority girl at last call, followed by Lily, looking happy and confident as she joins Bart at the altar. Ugh, I’m calling bullshit — not on the fact Lily’s too much of a spoiled chicken shit to call off the wedding, but at the easy “whatevs” acceptance both she and Rufus have with her decision.

“Okay, so I’m still new to this… do you think I’d be a top or a bottom?”

“You, little brother, are most definitely a bottom.”

So we’re now at the reception. Serena and Dan are all awkward, and when Dan tries to force her again to talk, Serena excuses herself to get some air. At the same time, Chuck’s security spy whispers in Chuck’s ear, prompting him to go tell Nate that Cappy is leaving. Predictably, Nate doesn’t want anything to do with Chuck as Chuck tries to explain he saw what he thinks was a drug deal. As Nate begins to puff up with indignation, Chuck calmly says, “Look, I know you hate me. I was in love with Blair, and I’m sorry. But we do not have time to argue about this.” Looking surprised and unsure, Nate gives him one last glare for good measure and goes after his father. Now that Nate knows Chuck does really care about Blair, I guess we’ll see whether that does make a difference.

Nate runs outside and catches his father’s limo just as it’s about to pull away from the curb. The doors are all locked, and Cappy reluctantly emerges to reveal he’s trying to skip town and avoid his trial and possible jail time — and that the envelope he purchased contained a fake passport that may or may not be for McLovin. Nate tries to get him to reconsider, but Cappy insists he’s facing 25 years in federal pound me in the ass prison. Turns out Nate’s mom is in on it too, which does nothing to diffuse Nate’s anger. Hurt and disgusted, he turns away, only for Cappy to grab his shoulder to stop him. Nate responds by whirling around and awesomely slamming his fist into Cappy’s face, knocking him clear to the ground. For once, a nosebleed that has nothing to do with copious amounts of cocaine! As Nate walks away he mutters “Thats from mom” which makes absolutely no sense, but whatever gets Cappy punched in the face works for me.

Seeing Chuck outside observing the interaction, Nate stops to thank him for telling him his father was leaving. Nate also apologizes “for all of it” as does Chuck, and the boys shake it out. I love how boy drama is so easily resolved. Nate then asks the million-dollar question: “So you said you loved her?” Chuck has a wry smile on his face but remains silent as Nate marvels this is the first time Chuck has ever said that about a girl. A guy, sure, but never a girl.

Inside, Blair takes the vacant seat next to LaLa Orange to make catty comments about Vanessa and Nate’s relationship — and awesomely taunts her about always falling for boys who love Serena more. Annoyed, Vanessa flounces outside to find Chuck and let him know it’s time for his speech. She comes up on the boys just as Nate was about to leave himself, and she decides to go with him so they can talk. He agrees so he can stop being embarrassed to be seen with her.

“Hey, Nate! Orange you glad to see me?! Yuk, yuk!”

“Dude, there’s slumming it and then there’s actively hating your penis. Guess which one this is.”

Serena’s been busy getting air this whole time, as Dan finds her sitting alone outside by the altar. She tries to run away, then bravely says she’ll let his hookup with Georgina slide since she doesn’t want to break up. Instead of being overjoyed, Dan mutters that maybe he wants to break up with her. As she cries and protests, he explains that he can no longer trust her since she lied so much and so easily to him. Miraculously, Penn Badgley is able to deliver the line, “I am the most understanding person in the world” without completely cracking up. That’s an Emmy nomination right there! He then immediately turns around and blames his hookup with Georgina on the fact Serena told him she let two dudes double team her the other night. Way to take responsibility for your own actions, bitch. I used to really like Dan, but now I’m veering towards hate (although I still like to look at him). When Serena explains that was another lie, he’s like, oh well, I still am morally superior. And with that, the show’s most boring couple calls it quits. I, for one, am excited. Maybe they both can be less hateful people when they’re apart.

Inside, Chuck begins his best man speech, but after making eye contact with Blair a few moments in, he sets down his notes and begins to improvise. With Chuck, there’s definitely a danger here he could start speaking of the importance of keeping marriage fresh and exciting by fucking in the back seats of limos and having orgies with the hotel staff, but he surprisingly keeps it clean — and sweet. He speaks of how Bart pursued Lily no matter how much she told him not to, and how Lily forgave Bart and gave him a second chance, which made him a better man. This, of course, is all directed more at Blair than it is at the happy couple. He concludes by saying that he hopes one day to find someone who will do the same for him… while starting deeply into Blair’s eyes. I’m not going to lie — I teared up a bit at this. I embarrass myself.

As Lily and Bart dance, Blair approaches Chuck to commend him on the speech. He admits he improvised it, as he confidently sweeps her into a dance and begins apologizing for the horrible things he said to her. She responds flippantly, but it’s clear she’s fallen under his spell. He tells her she doesn’t belong with Nate, never has and never will, and she weakly protests that he doesn’t belong with anyone. He quietly chuckles, then goes in for a romantic kiss. OMFG, finally! They break apart and he whispers that he wants them to take it slow this time, and do it right. Translation: he’ll wait at least a week before bringing in the goat and the midget he has in mind. She gently mocks him for never knowing he was a romantic and he replies by saying all that matters is that she knows now. Smiling in amazement, Blair leads him off the dance floor to go “take it slow” in private.

“Oh that’s just fucking swell.”

Passing by Chuck and Blair, Serena is so steeped in her own misery that she literally runs right into Dan. He explains he’s just looking for LaLa Orange — as if her outfit would let her blend into the crowd — and then he’s going to leave. As he’s trying to beat a hasty retreat, the wedding planner rushes up to insist they dance together for the photographer. As Serena tries to fight back tears, they comply awkwardly. But when the photographer leaves a few moments later, and Serena tells Dan he can let go, he says he doesn’t want to. She looks at him in confusion, then rests her giant head against his. No don’t tease me with them breaking up and then take that away! You bastards!

The episode suddenly flashes forward one week later (WTF?) and we see Rufus on a tour bus. Jenny gets her only lines of the night when she calls him to excitedly report she’s been accepted to Parsons for a design program. The only catch is she’ll be working for Eleanor Waldorf (remember her… yeah just barely). Well from what I remember of Eleanor’s clothes, and what we’ve seen of Jenny’s clothes, this will be a match made in heaven. Or the Salvation Army donation bin.

Across town, Blair is packing for a trip to Tuscany with Chuck, while Serena watches in amusement. Blair’s not only packing the sexy garter belts, but she’s full of sexual innuendoes as well while Serena blushes and giggles like the virgin she hasn’t been since grade school. Things are going great for Blair and Chuck, for as Blair says herself, Chuck brings out the worst in her and she brings out the best in him. Talk turns to Serena, who admits she hasn’t talked to Dan since the wedding.

Meanwhile, Chuck and Nate are on the phone, proving that their friendship is indeed patched even though Chuck and Blair are openly dating now. Nate teases Chuck about taking Blair to Europe, and things getting so serious so quickly, which Chuck good-naturedly defends by explaining his dad’s jet was already going to Italy and Blair was already going to France. Chuck retaliates by asking about Vanessa (aka “Punky Brewster”) — whom Nate is no longer seeing. Cut to Dan asking Punky herself while she and “Man Bangs” broke up. Vanessa jokes it’s because Nate is prettier than she is — true — but we all know the real reason is because she’s too busy trying to get into Dan’s pants now that he’s single once again. Not like Nate’s going to lose any sleep over that — as Serena flags him down on the street and announces she’s feeling frisky and he knows how she gets in the summer. Jesus, VDW, close your legs and have a little class!

“I’ll let you put it anywhere!”

Blair arrives at the helipad early, but Chuck isn’t there yet. As she waits, some questionably attractive Bass employee/potential statutory rapist begins hitting on her. Chuck actually hasn’t even left for the helipad yet, as we see him greet Bart at home. Bart tells his son he’s proud of him, which Chuck tries to brush off, but it’s clear he’s positively glowing from his father’s positive attention. However, his expression changes as Bart begins to warn him that he will come back from Europe a new man — more responsible, caring, mature, faithful. The partying and the date raping a thing of the past. At this point, Chuck looks a bit like he may upchuck and Lily walks in with a questionably attractive blonde assistant (played by Lydia Hearst) whom Chuck stares at. He pauses for a minute, grabs the bouquet of roses he bought for Blair, and pulls one out and trashes the rest. He then presents the rose to the blonde, simply saying “I’m Chuck Bass.” Goddamit, Bass, keep it in your pants!

At the helipad, Blair receives a text from Chuck telling her he won’t be making the private flight but he’ll book something commercial for about 10 hours later. As she debates what to do, the potential statutory rapist charms her into taking the private jet with him anyway, and she easily agrees.

Yikes.

And that’s it for our season finale. I’m sad to report that I’m pretty disappointed. I’ve already bitched and moaned above about my feelings on the Georgina and Lily/Rufus resolutions, but I cannot believe they gave us only 10 minutes of Waldass happiness (Blair and Chuck) before having him revert to a commitment-phobic player and her to a scheming flirt. I get that they’re going to be on-again off-again likely for the entire series run, but TEN MINUTES?! That’s all we get?! Yeah, I’m a little pissed. Honestly, I could have done without the entire “One Week Later” segment. If they wanted major plot developments over the summer — such as Dan/Vanessa and Nate/Serena — I would much rather have them address it in flashbacks, a la “Veronica Mars” season 2 premiere. It just felt a little hokey and tacked on to me. Not that I still don’t love this show, or that I’ll ever stop watching. Doesn’t mean I can’t be unhappy with it sometimes, though.

So what did you think? Do you agree the Georgina and Lily/Rufus plots were unsatisfactorily resolved for this season? Do you think it was necessary to start screwing up Blair and Chuck in the same episode they finally — and truly — got together? What do you think about the new potential couples? And how the hell did Jenny ever win a spot in a design program?!

It’s been a great first season! Thanks everyone for reading and for your insightful comments! See you in the fall!

XOXO,

LoLo