Gossip Girl: Where There’s a Will… There’s Nate, Evidently

This week on Gossip Girl, Chuck teaches us it’s never too early for a line of coke, Eric finally says to Jenny what we’ve all been dying to tell her, and we learn that Jenny and Dan’s relationship is WAY grosser than anything between Dan and Serena, half-sibling or not.

As if we needed more confirmation, this is what Rufus Humphrey’s parenting has led his children to believe is an appropriate film for brother-sister movie night.

We open this week with Chuck getting ready for the reading of Bart’s will. The British flag cufflinks are a nice touch in recognition of Ed Westwick’s home country. As Chuck’s finishing up, Blair and Uncle Jack are arriving for the reading. He immediately asks her out for that evening, but she rebuffs his advances. Undaunted and slightly amused, he casually suggests seeing if the “nothing” that happened on new years means as little to Chuck as Blair says it means to her. Luckily for B, Jack doesn’t put that to the test when Chuck arrives seconds later. They head into the building, Nate deciding that after ditching the funeral and last week’s drunken self-destruction, he feels like joining them. Finally un-asshatting himself or ensuring he’ll never have to prostitute himself should the Archibald money dry up again — you be the judge. The consensus is that Jack will be put in charge of the company and Chuck will get all the money. Which means that ain’t ever gonna happen.

In the ghetto, Dan and Jenny are getting ready for school, Jenny trying to pump Dan for details on Rufus pumping Lily. He refuses to give up any information on their relationship or where they ran off to together, despite having been so eager to tell Serena — which would be a much more significant reveal. Dan Humphrey, not making sense: shocker. Frustrated, Jenny stomps out and we see Dan receive and then ignore an incoming call from Serena. Ruh roh. Trouble in Blandville?

At the will reading, Nate and Blair are forced to wait outside while Chuck and Jack meet with the attorneys. Jack is named Chuck’s legal guardian, which is fine with Chuck as long as he can stay out in the bars until 5 am then bring home a plethora of skanks to bang. Done and done. Now to the good stuff. The money goes to Chuck, in trust, until his 18th birthday. The board will keep 29% of the company, and Lily will get 20%. But before revealing who has the 51% controlling interest in Bass Industries, the lawyer hands Chuck a letter from beyond the grave — and Chuck refuses to read it. Annoyed, Chuck tries to leave the room, only to be accosted by Blair and Nate the second he opens the doors. They are quickly caught up on the letter situation and encourage Chuck to read it, but he refuses, saying he knows what it says — he’s a failure, an embarrassment and for the love of god, wears way too much purple. Really, if Bart were to waste some of his last words on criticizing Chuck’s wardrobe, I don’t think the purple color scheme would be the offender worth calling out.

In the words of Gob: Come on!

Seeming pretty antsy about getting his hands on the company, Jack finally takes the letter from Chuck and begins to open it, only for it to be snatched by Blair instead, who reads it aloud. Well instead of criticizing Chuck, the letter instead reveals that while alive, Bart was hoping to prepare Chuck to make the transition from boy to man — because he has left the 51% controlling interest in the company to Chuck! It’s hard to tell who’s more pissed off by this news — Jack or Chuck. Jack, of course, because he wants it, and Chuck because he doesn’t think it’s fair for Bart to pull a 180 and suddenly exude so much confidence in him. Chuck immediately declares he doesn’t want it and gives it to a smirking Jack, who then oddly winks at Nate as they all leave the room. Seriously, between manhandling Eric last week and creepy little moment, I’m starting to think Jack’s an equal-opportunity statutory rapist.

Meanwhile, Serena and Eric are walking to school, Eric bitching away that Jenny’s hagging is getting completely out of control for she is constantly cramping his style with his boyfriend, Blahathan. While he appreciates having a ho to his ‘mo, girlfriend has got to get some other friends. Serena, caught up in her own drama with Dan, patronizingly tells him to play nice before sinking back into self-absorption. As they arrive at school, we get to see what Eric means, as Jenny is already there chatting up Blahathan and planning fun dates for the three of them to go on. Okay while she’s mastered step 1 of the path to spinsterhood (getting in good with the gays), somebody needs to help Little J with step 2 — getting a shitload of cats to stay at home with and talk to like they’re people. Like, at least six of them. Bonus points for every lint brush full of fur on your clothes.

BRB gotta feed my cats cat strapping yet sensitive Hugh Jackman-doppelganger doctor boyfriend. Goddammit. Where’s the lint brush?

Serena goes and finds Dan, and assures him she’s spoken to Lily that morning and nothing is going on between her and Rufus. So problem solved! Well, except for the bastard she still knows nothing about. Dan (unconvincingly only to us it appears) assures her that they’re good now, then quickly calls Rufus to whine about keeping secrets once S leaves. While Rufus promises Lily will tell Serena and Eric soon, Dan is unfortunately overheard by Penelope, Iz and Nelly Yuki. While not having any idea what the secret Dan’s hiding is, they dutifully pull out their cell phones to report to Gossip Girl that Dan’s hiding something.

Poor Hazel went home in shame after confusing plaid day with polka dot day again.

Chuck’s now on the street after having left the attorney’s office, and Blair follows him out. He insists Bart is setting him up to fail, but she insists that it was a NICE gesture instead and that Chuck can do it. She hands him the letter to finish reading, which Chuck takes as a suspicious Jack watches from afar. A while later, having read the letter, Chuck arrives in Bart’s old office, where Jack is sitting and reviewing paperwork. Chuck thanks Jack for helping him, and Jack flippantly says that since Chuck was the one who noticed the Thai waitress Jack was gonna take home had a penis, he figures they’re even. Not that I think Jack would care. Chuck stops beating around the bush and informs Jack that he will accept the 51% controlling interest, and he wants to run the company for real and not just in name only. Pissed as hell, Jack tosses the papers he was holding on the desk and storms out while Chuck takes his place behind the desk. Who else is getting nervous about how Jack will exact revenge?

Back at school, Dan arrives at his locker to find someone trashed it, for Gossip Girl’s spread her news by now and people are furious Dan would be keeping secrets from or possibly even be cheating on their lovely Serena. Blair walks by without lifting a finger to help (not like she would have even before this latest GG tidbit), and receives a phone call from Jack. He apologizes for his behavior at the will reading, and tells her he wants to throw a congratulatory surprise party for Chuck. She points out that’s in really poor taste, but reluctantly agrees to a surprise brunch the next day as Jack keeps pushing. They hang up, and Jack smugly smiles. Shit. He’s so going to reveal to Chuck that something happened between him and Blair at that brunch, in front of everyone.

Rufus and Lily are meeting with a family attorney, who shares the good news that he’s tracked down the bastard’s adoptive family. However, since the bastard hasn’t registered with a service for his bio parents to be able to find him, and since it was a closed adoption, the attorney can’t help Rufus and Lily get in touch with the kid. Rufus loses his shit for a few minutes, but the attorney calms him down by offering to get in touch with the adoptive parents and feeling them out. Rufus jumps on it of course. As for Lily…

Not exactly the expression I’d recommend for the reunion.

Serena and Blair are hanging out in the halls, Blair emphatically insisting this isn’t another bout of “Chuck fever” (and I’m sure any one of the STDs she’s contracted from him will do the trick), and that she’s merely trying to be a good friend. Serena rightfully thinks she’s full of shit. Changing the subject, Blair asks S what’s up with the GG rumors. Magically, Serena’s phone must not be getting service for she’s the only one in all of Manhattan who hasn’t gotten the GG updates. Serena demands to know who’s behind the Dan rumors, and Blair looks pointedly at Penelope & Co., lamenting that it’s hard to get obedient minions these days.

Look who made it after all! And with a matching hat as a peace offering!

NOOOOOO it’s Vanessa! I literally wailed that aloud the second her dumb ass appeared on my screen. She and Dan are in a candy store in presumably Brooklyn, shopping for gummy treats to give to Nate as a two-month anniversary present. Okay I know what’s gotta be gummy after two months of sleeping with a male prostitute. As they consider the selection, Nelly Yuki shows up and immediately ducks behind a display to eavesdrop, convinced she’s caught Dan with “the other woman” he’s cheating on Serena with. After making Vanessa swear on all of her 80s/pseudo-hipster prized possessions that she won’t tell anyone, he spills about the bastard. Vanessa — rightfully for once — freaks the fuck out and drops her vagina candy all over the floor, allowing Nelly to sneak up and swipe Dan’s cell phone out of his discarded coat pocket in the process. As Nelly starts going through it, muttering about poor white trash and their 2007-model cell phones, Vanessa tells Dan that he needs to stop being a jackass or he’s going to fuck things up with Serena way before she finds out about the bastard. Also true. Aggh, Vanessa, stop making me agree with you! Dan ponders this bizarre act-like-an-adult advice as three newcomers enter the candy store — the trio of Blair and Serena idolizing tweens! Haha, I love these kids and it’s fucking hysterical the way the two brunettes are wearing plaid to match Blair and the minions, while the blonde is clearly still favoring Serena by copying her more slutty sloppy bohemian look. The tweens shriekingly demand to know who Dan’s boning while Vanessa preens after realizing they know who she is, thanks to Nate. Congratulations, you’re the girl he’s slumming it with. Frustrated, Dan leaves the store, not realizing Nelly still has his phone. Who the fuck takes off their jacket in a candy store and just throws it over a display, anyway? Moron deserves to be pick-pocketed.

Chuck arrives home and finds Jack waiting for him, ready to lay the trap for this brunch tomorrow. Jack apologizes for being a little bitch earlier, and tries to convince Chuck to blow off his dinner with Blair and go out with him tonight instead. Chuck resists because Blair’s been such a good friend to him, and Jack scoffs at the suggestion that C and B are just friends, since Jack usually winds up with itchy manroot from friends like that. After discussing their personal drug of choice to combat those pesky gonorrhea infections (Chuck’s a Suprax fan, ladies), Jack offers Chuck once last chance to come play as he answers the door to reveal three skanks. What Chuck decides is TBD.

Vanessa heads back to the gallery (where else), where she finds Serena waiting for her. I must say, Vanessa looks really pretty this episode. Probably because she’s wearing a normalish coat that is covering up what I’m positive is another wretched Electric Company inspired outfit. Anyway, Serena tells Vanessa that she wants dirt on her screwball boyfriend, who already is acting retarded in the handful of days they’ve been back together. I don’t know why S is so surprised by this. She’d have better luck avoiding a retarded boyfriend by trolling a short bus. Vanessa lies and tells Serena she doesn’t know anything, looking guilty as hell. A dejected and unconvinced Serena leaves, and Vanessa pulls out her phone to text Dan to urge him to confess already. And by Dan, I mean Nelly. Ruh roh.

Not like I give a shit about Dan-Serena drama, but this further proves VANESSA RUINS EVERYTHING!!!

Meanwhile, Nelly has turned over the phone to Penelope and excitedly reporting her deviousness to get back in good with the other minions. As Penny reluctantly admires Nelly’s work, Dan’s phone receives the incoming text from Vanessa. And the secret it out.

Well Blair has clearly raided Serena’s wardrobe, for we next join her putting the finishes touches on the romantic dinner she’s planned for her and Chuck while wearing the Serena Special — neckline down to the areolas, hem up to the vulva. She looks HOT. However, just then she gets a text from Chuck, claiming he has to work late. Looks like part I of Jack’s plan is in motion — and that Chuck stupidly turned down the best night of his life.

In Boston, Lily and Rufus are sitting around, waiting to hear from the adopted parents, when we get the third scene in a row revolving around phones. It’s scintillating stuff. It’s the attorney, and although we can only hear Rufus’s side of the conversation, it sounds clear that the adoptive parents have told Rufus and Lily they can go fuck themselves. These people have no idea how many years of therapy they’re saving that kid by making that decision.

Time for brunch! We’ve got all the major players assembled, except Nate. Guess he figures he put in enough face time with Chuck to secure his financial stake in their friendship by showing up at the will reading. Blair is at her pissiest best — snapping that she can’t wait until Serena gets Botox and won’t be able to raise her eyebrows at her anymore, and snatching a donut off Iz’s plate and slamming it back on the buffet table without saying a word. Guess B doesn’t have to smell Iz’s vomit breath the whole morning if she let her eat that. As for Serena, if we’re going to start planning what work she’s going to get done, can we start with something that fixes her mumbly mouth? GOD. Jenny and Dan show up, Little J looking like a lost extra from Bee Movie on Ice. What the hell is she wearing?

Ponytail FAIL.

Jack texts Blair that he’s arriving, and she quickly summons the crowd into a chorus of “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” — only for Jack to walk in the room alone. Incensed, Blair demands where Chuck is, and Jack casually mentions Chuck’s upstairs working and is pretty tuckered out from their wild night last night. As Blair gapes at this revelation, the minions approach for permission to send GG the bastard info, which Blair snaps approval of without waiting to hear what exactly the info is. That’s not going to end well for B. Jack quickly pulls over two members of the board of directors, and manipulates Blair into bringing them upstairs to Chuck, where I’m sure he’s a nasty, hungover mess that will horrify the board.

Jenny joins Eric at a table, bubbling at the prospect of hanging out with him and Blahathan again tonight. He quickly shuts her down, and Jenny goes on the defensive, muttering “You are so conceited.” “And you are SO annoying!” he returns. Love. Him. So. Much. THANK YOU!!! Jenny grabs her plate and buzzes huffs off. But just then the GG blast hits everyone’s phones. As people begin staring and whispering, Dan and Serena stare back in confusion until S finally realizes that hunk of metal and plastic in her purse actually serves a function. She reads the text, and with a stunned expression gathers her belongings and pushes her way through the crowd while Dan, Eric and Jenny look on helplessly.

As for Chuck? Worse than I thought. Blair leads the two board members upstairs to not only find Chuck a hungover mess — but also hanging out with two lingerie-clad skanks and it looks like doing coke. Blair flees in shock, and when he’s too rude to offer to share, the board members storm out as well.

“Would you believe we’re playing strip Sudoku?”

Dan catches up with Serena right before she can make her exit, and she begs him to tell him it isn’t true. When he remains silent, she realizes that not only is it true, but that Dan knew about the bastard already. This really propels S to get the hell out of there, and she disappears just as Blair, the board members and a quickly-pulled together Chuck enter the brunch room. While B begins chugging champagne, Chuck tries to smooth things over with the board while Jack eavesdrops triumphantly. Needless to say, that doesn’t go well and the board members leave in disgust. Blair takes their place, hurt and accusatory. Instead of apologizing, Chuck snaps at her to stop playing his wife — which is exactly how Jack referred to Blair the night before. Ugh, Chuck, you’re REALLY starting to piss me off.

Dan has now chased Serena outside, rapidly explaining that Rufus wouldn’t let him tell Serena about the bastard. Serena actually stops and listens, which is a hell of a lot more than Dan would do if the positions were reversed. You know Humphrey would be eating this shit up, and launching into one of his patented holier-than-thou lectures about honesty and trust and whatever other bullshit he could pull from his ass. But it’s Serena, who sometimes I can’t believe is able to stand upright given she has no spine. Eric and Jenny run out and join them minutes later, demanding if the GG story is true. D and S confirm it, and Serena finally leaves for real, begging for time and space to process.

Back in Boston, Lily and Rufus are boring as they fight over whether Lily really wants to find the kid and blah blah blah. Then they make out and do it. Perhaps sensing that Rufus and Lily may accidentally make another bastard for lack of better things to do while they sit around the hotel room (Kelly Rutherford is preggers in real life and I believe beginning to show in this episode), the adoptive father then calls and admits he wants to meet them, as long as they keep it a secret from the wife. Sounds like someone’s going to be putting out a casting call for a bastard soon. BTW, can we just keep Rufus shirtless for the rest of the series? Not only does he look pretty good, but anything’s an improvement over the clothing he typically chooses. Poor is one thing. Blind is another.

“Hello, is this International Male? Yes, I’d like to order some moob turtlenecks please. Do you have any with a western theme?”

The brunch over, Chuck goes and finds Jack. Realizing now that Jack set him up, Chuck demands how Jack could do that to him as his only family. Out comes a sob story of the frustrated younger brother, stuck running a multi-million dollar company in Australia while Bart got the main piece of the pie — only to pass it to Chuck instead. Oh boo hoo hoo. I think I just ran out of tissues, assface. Mustering some bravado, Chuck insists that it doesn’t matter what Jack did since the will gave him the controlling interest, end of story. But not so fast — turns out there’s a morality clause, and if the board thinks Chuck acts improperly in any way, Jack takes over. I’m thinking the half-naked chicks and the blow may have triggered that clause. Sure enough, Jack’s already talked to the board and he’s now in charge.

Back at the VDW’s place, Eric tentatively enters Serena’s room to check up on her. They agree this whole bastard issue has Grandma CeCe written all over it, for it reeks of gin and Chanel No. 5. Haha. They talk bout Serena and Dan briefly, Eric advising S to not push Dan away since he’s going through the same thing she is. Zzzzz. Sorry. Do you guys not find this story compelling either, or is my dislike of Serena and especially Dan making me insensitive?

Dan, meanwhile, has headed over to the gallery knowing that there’s no where else Vanessa would be. He finds Nate there, busy sucking on the candy from Vanessa and planning what orifice he’s going to make gummy tonight. They get to talking about how it sucks to have that whore GG ruin your life, which segues into Nate apologizing to Dan for the whole groping his kid sister issue. Nate points out that the good thing about being victim of a GG blast is learning who your real friends are — like Dan. It’s a very bromantic moment, unfortunately sans hot tub. Where is Brody Jenner when you need him? He has one use in life and he fucks it up.

Christ, Nate, stop deep-throating the vagina candy.

In Boston, Rufus and Lily are meeting with the adoptive father, who has some rather bad news. Seems that the bastard is dead, killed by a rogue riptide last year. What a shocker that Rufus and Lily’s son was a total pussy. Although I’m going to go on the record right now by calling bullshit on adoptive dad. I’m betting the kid’s fine (still a pussy though), and he and adoptive mom cooked up this lie to permanently get rid of the bio parents. They’re Massholes, after all.

Chuck arrives at Blair’s with flowers and yet another apology. As much as I love these two, I’m actually rooting for her to tell him to go to hell because I don’t know how much more B can take right now of his crap. To my delight, she does, informing him that it’s too late and she doesn’t give a damn that Jack set him up. She points out — as Jack did — that all Jack did was give Chuck a small nudge, really, and Chuck made the leap all on his own. After all the shit she’s dealt with, the way he called her his wife in such a scathing tone was the last straw for Blair, and she tells him she’s done, tossing the flowers back at him. Good for her. These two both need to get their shit together more before making another go of it.

In the ghetto, Jenny’s trying to cheer Dan up by suggesting they watch a trashy movie — like Showgirls. Showgirls?! SERIOUSLY? Why the FUCK would Jenny want to watch the equivalent of soft-core porn with her older brother? Dude, I’m seriously sketched out by that. I don’t have a brother but I’m thinking that ranks up there pretty high on the inappropriate brother-sister behavior list, right below tongue-kissing. Eric and Serena arrive then to give me a much more tolerable incestuous issue to deal with. Dan and Serena and Jenny and Eric all make up, with everyone acting like this bastard situation makes no difference in their relationships. Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts (May sweeps).

As the episode winds to a close, we see Chuck angry and alone, adoptive dad assuring adoptive mom he lied about the bastard being dead to get rid of Lily and Rufus (I KNEW it!), and Lily and Rufus coming home to their new Brady Bunch-esque household. And that’s it. I was waiting the whole time for Uncle Jack to tell Chuck whatever happened between him and Blair on new years, but I guess that like the bastard, that’s another secret that’s going to probably wait until May to really make its impact.

So what did you think of this episode? I thought it was a big improvement from last week, which I really didn’t care for, although it still got a bit bogged down by the bastard plot, both with Dan/Serena and Rufus/Lily. I just don’t care for it right now, and that last Brady Bunch scene squicked. Is everyone okay now with all the intrafamily banging? I’m sure a lot of you were really angered by what Jack did, but it didn’t bother me that much. I expect manipulation from a Bass, and Chuck really shouldn’t be running Bass Industries anyway given that he’s not even legal yet. While I think Jack boo-hooing about having to be a millionaire in Australia is a load of shit, I don’t blame him for being pissed that Bart would leave the company to a teenager, available immediately. And as I mentioned above, Jack really didn’t do anything other than give Chuck the opportunity to fuck up, which Chuck took advantage of all on his own. While I miss Bart, I welcome Jack as another villain to the show.

Questions: Were you surprised by the revelation that the bastard’s alive, or did you see through the adoptive dad like I did? Do you think Dan and Serena really can make it work? How long will Blair and Chuck stay apart, and when will Jack reveal Blair’s secret? Do you hate Jack, love him or bit of both? Will Chuck be able to retake his position as head of Bass Industries — and do you care? And how cute is Dorota in her Yale sweater for next week’s previews?