Gossip Girl: Who Knew the Rape Gene is Also Hereditary?

Last week on Gossip Girl, the goddamn blogging software ate my recap, hence me posting nearly two weeks later. We also learned that the rape gene is hereditary, people from Iowa are idiots, and that old people are full of phlegm.

“But Dorota, I don’t want to follow the scary girl. I want to lick my butt.”

It’s the day of Yale admission decisions, and no one is more excited and nervous than our Queen B. Gay dad and his french lover have flown in for the special occasion, complete with a new puppy that Blair will probably kick a few times before finally admitting she loves it — just to have it piss on her face while she sleeps. Specifically, the puppy is a bulldog because that’s Yale’s mascot. Luckily Blair doesn’t have her sights set on THE Ohio State University or she’d be getting a dancing nut as a gift. The unambiguously gay duo babble to Blair over breakfast about celebrating at the opera that night, setting up our special event of the episode.

“Okay, Blair Bear — vote. Who looks the gayest?”

At Serena’s, Dan and Serena are also nervous to find out if they got accepted, but that is momentarily waylaid by the rising nausea of observing Rufus and Lily doing the walk of shame down the stairs. Everyone pretends that this isn’t totally awkward but GROSS. Dan and Serena leave, and Eric appears, requesting that Lily and Rufus keep it down in the future, for there’s only so many times he can hear them fucking before he starts sawing at his wrists again.

“I get it. You’re hard, you’re wet, and I’m going to need a whole other round of therapy.”

Over at the Palace, Chuck is plotting how to get Jack removed from the head position of Bass Industries, but so far nothing is working.

“Remember when people used to care about my story line? Those were the days.”

At school, there’s a cute new teacher who looks 15 and likely will be getting frisky with Dan judging from their meet cute. The teacher, Rachel, is a corn-fed girl from Iowa afraid of the big bad city — not to mention the height requirement to ride the attractions at Disney World — and Serena and Dan helpfully suggest cool places for her to go. Surprisingly, one of the locations is not Dan’s pants — aka the best 90 seconds of your life.

“We’ll do a threesome with you for an A. A letter of recommendation. Hell, a hall pass.”

While Blair’s still freaking out about Yale, Nate finds Dan and asks if Dan thinks Vanessa would like the opera. Why, yes, Vanessa would. She would especially love it if you shoved her ass over the balcony of your parents’ box. God, I was really hoping she would have choked on some vagina candy and died by now.

“I’m only dating Vanessa to get closer to you, big boy.”

“Aww, shucks…”

Chuck’s arrived at Lily’s to ask for help in taking Jack down. Given that he’s still pissed at her for banging Rufus before the first shovel of dirt hit Bart’s coffin, you know Chuck must be running out of ideas.

“I even tried to give the Board Blue Steel. Nothing.”

Back at school, the Yale decisions are out! Dan got in (forever embarrassing the real-life Yale English department), but Blair got wait listed, much to Nelly Yuki’s delight. As for Serena — well she got in, but lies about it for Blair’s sake, seeing as though B would rather be kicked in the vag right now than hear that.

“I hate to tell you ‘I told you so’, but I told you to flash the Dean some nip during that interview.”

Meanwhile, Lily and Chuck are still talking about Bass Industries. She advises him that instead of planting traps for Jack involving underage girls, drugs and transsexual hookers, he should be a grown-up and look at it from a business perspective with the Board. She also suggests he move back in with them, but he passes on waking up to the smell of Rufus spunk every morning.

“Bear with me here, but let’s pretend for a moment I know anything about business or acting anywhere near the age only my birth certificate knows me to be.”

Blair is now meeting with the headmistress and freaking out about being wait listed. However, the good news is that if the one Constance girl who was accepted declines, Blair’s next in line. And besides, if her transcript remains unblemished straight As, that could get her in too. This effectively sets up two plot-points — kill the Constance bitch who got in, and kill any teacher who tries to give her less than an A. Hmm. And a new teacher started in this episode. Quelle coincidence!

“If it weren’t for this globe coffee mug, I’d have no idea where the fuck I am right now.”

Speaking of the new teacher, Serena is currently telling Rachel that she got accepted, but isn’t sure she wants to go there because she realizes she only got in because the administration wants to gang bang her. Blair runs up to scream about the Constance bitch who got into Yale (she assumes it’s Nelly Yuki), barely paying any attention as Rachel hands her back an assignment and disappears. And so the suspense of the GPA story line ends in approximately 30 seconds.

“Honestly, I’m uncomfortable wearing this many clothes.”

Serena squirms out of that situation rather quickly, only to be immediately confronted by the Dean’s cat-loving secretary, who wants to issue a press release about Serena attending Yale. Whoa, slow down, Yale. No one likes a slut, whether it be a chick or a university. She squirms out of that one too and runs away. Life is difficult for our mumbly-mouthed blonde.

“I’ve made this face so many times this episode I think it’s frozen this way.”

Lily has arranged a meeting with the Board, and we find out the only way to get rid of Jack is for him to be deemed completely negligent or not Chuck’s guardian. I don’t think the former will be difficult, and can’t Lily do something about the latter as his stepmother? Or have Chuck declare emancipation? I’m probably giving Lily way too much credit. I’m surprised she found the office without a tour guide. Jack shows up and crashes the meeting, all coked up and hitting on Lils, who isn’t quite ready to bang Jack to make things up to Chuck.

“If those aren’t your panties, I’m not interested.”

Back at school, Blair is harassing Rachel for daring to give her a B. Blair explains that all second-semester seniors get a free pass, but Rachel doesn’t give a shit and stands by her grade. Blair freaks out some more and runs to Serena (who’s still standing around catching flies with her open mouth), explaining she didn’t apply anywhere else. And that makes you a dumbass, B. Serena excuses herself to go dump the Dean.

“I’m going to go all Children of the Corn on your Iowa ass.”

Lily and Bart are meeting again, and we hear that Chuck’s other anti-Jack schemes included buying anthrax on Jack’s credit card and registering him as a sex offender. I’m surprised Jack wasn’t already on that list. Lily makes another attempt to be a cozy family again, then idiotically answers a call from Rufus, making it clear to Chuck that she’s talking to Rufus and is happily banging him. Unsurprisingly, he’s less than pleased and lashes out while Lily either feigns confusion or yet again sinks to a new level of stupidity.

“This is as surprised as my Botox will allow my expression to get.”

Dan finds Serena at school, all excited to talk about Yale, but she blows him off to intercept Blair and the minions’ plotting to destroy Rachel. In order to prevent that, Serena reveals that she’s the Constance girl who got into Yale, and she turned them down so Blair will now get in. After ordering Hazel to cancel the Nelly Yuki project (haha, God knows what that was going to be), Blair is thrilled with the news. Dan, on the other hand, is pissed that Serena just threw away their chance to go to college together. Because everything’s always about Dan. Fuck off, Humphrey.

“Don’t get mad. Everyone knew I was going to dump you by the end of orientation anyway.”

Ewwwww Nate and Vanessa! She announces she bought them shitty tickets to the opera because she feels bad about him always spending so much money on her. Then why else would you date him, V? Don’t tell me it’s for the scintillating conversation. Must be the free weed. He acts excited, and hides the much better tickets he’d already scored.

“No, no no. Don’t talk. Just stand there and look pretty, honey.”

In the ghetto, Eric is giving Rufus a crash course on opera and getting reeeeeally into it. If he hadn’t already come out, this scene would do the trick.

“I still don’t see why we can’t listen to my music instead. I have this great little tune called ‘Run Away.’ Perhaps you’ve heard it one of the 4,145 times I’ve sang it?”

Blair, Iz and Penelope are in Blair’s room, deciding that they’re going to fuck with Rachel even though Blair’s in Yale. I’d be disappointed with any less. Blair calls Rachel and convinces Rachel to come with her family to the opera that night, and to meet Blair ahead of time at the boat house in Central Park. What a fucking idiot. I’m also disappointed with Blair’s scheme. Meeting at the boat house? What is this, an episode of Saved by the Bell?

“Can we just forget about this and make out alrea— Oh, so this is why you guys don’t let me ever talk. Got it.”

At the opera, Serena and Dan are nauseated by Rufus and Lily’s honeymoon stage. Or perhaps they’re both just horrified by Serena’s crystal-encrusted mustard dress. Chuck shows up wrapped in a kilt, and gives a dirty look to Lily before walking off. Also arriving are Nate and Vanessa, whom Dan immediately runs away from the awkwardness with Serena to join. He proceeds to reveal Nate had better tickets to the opera than Vanessa got, and the drama nearly makes me comatose.

“God, even I think I’m awful.”

Lily and Rufus then run into Jack, and they all insult each other for a while. Lily and Rufus then run into the Bass family lawyer, who asks Lily about some mysterious paperwork. Suddenly inspired, she runs over to Chuck and announces she has the solution to the Jack problem, if only he’ll meet with her in 15 minutes to discuss.

“I’m all together too unattractive to be on this show, aren’t I?”

Nate and Vanessa take their nosebleed seats, where he passive-aggressively comments on how nice the seats from his parents’ box would be and she pouts. Just then, an old goat takes the seat next to Vanessa, flashes her a gap-toothed smile, and begins choking on her own bile. Nate and Vanessa try to hold it together and completely fail, laughing their asses off as the snorting and wheezing continues. I love how Chace Crawford is laughing even before the phlegm factory begins. Somebody get this boy an Emmy.

“That candy is covered in cat fur and presumably sputum, yet it still looks pretty damn good. Knew I shouldn’t have smoked up before the opera.”

Dan goes and finds Serena, and claims he’s not pissed that she doesn’t want to go to the same college, but is pissed that she didn’t tell him. She explains she just figured it out today, but he’s firmly on his high horse and not getting off any time soon. In fact, he scolds her for making choices that affect both their lives without her telling him. AGGGH. I swear, Humphrey makes me physically violent. They then rehash the same Lily-Rufus conversation for the 80th time and yet again decide to stay together and tough it out.

“Are you as bored by this plot line as I am?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

Wearing a gorgeous peach-colored dress, Blair receives a phone call from the headmistress just as the opera is starting — turns out Rachel spoke to the headmistress and agreed to give Blair an A after all if the rest of Blair’s work in her class is up to that standard. Selling out for an opera ticket, are we Iowa? Blair feels bad, and excuses herself to save Rachel from whatever dastardly plot they’ve cooked up.

“Minions, abandon positions. This is not a drill. Rendezvous at Pinkberry at 22:00 hours.”

With the family lawyer in tow, Lily approaches Chuck and announces she and Bart had made plans for her to adopt him and Bart to adopt Eric and Serena before Bart died. Luckily, Bart had already signed the paperwork, so if Chuck and Lily sign it, it’s a done deal — and makes Lily Chuck’s legal guardian. Nice! I was hoping she’d have enough brain cells to figure something like this out. Chuck’s all for it, after clarifying this doesn’t make him and Lily family — just even. Jack approaches, and Chuck sneers that it’s game, set, match, Uncle Jack.

“My new mommy’s in charge now, asshole.”

Blair arrives at the boat house to find a pissed off Rachel, who snaps that inviting her to a closed restaurant for dinner and giving her a fake curtain time for the opera is bullshit. THAT was the evil plan, Blair? LAME. Blair tries to apologize, saying that she’s trying to not act out against people, but it’s a work in progress. Rachel accepts the apology, but after Blair drives away, Rachel calls the headmistress to tattle. Way to teach Blair the mature way to handle things, Iowa.

“Headmistress? Blair Waldorf was mean to me. Normally, I’d just tip over her cow or something, but I don’t think that’s going to work this time.”

Lily’s in the bathroom fixing her makeup when an irate Jack enters and locks the door behind him. She claims she’s not scared of him, but he gets in her face and prevents her from leaving. Meanwhile, Rufus and Dan are looking for Lily, and Dan mentions it to Chuck, who knows Lily last was seen going to the restroom. Dan walks off and Chuck notices the line for the restroom is ridiculously long. Why this makes Chuck stop and think is beyond me, because lines outside women’s restrooms are always ridiculous. The only exception I’ve ever seen is at major professional sporting events, like Cubs games. In fact, it’s often the reverse, with really long lines for the men’s room. And those make me laugh. Yeah, bitches, see what it’s like to nearly piss yourself waiting in line.

“Jack, this is the women’s restroom. You want to do your lines off the toilet tanks in the MEN’s restroom.”

Chuck goes up to the door and finds it locked, which makes him suspicious. As well he should be — since Jack is inside attempting to RAPE Lily! WHAT THE FUCK?! Just as it looks like Jack’s going to win their struggle, Chuck breaks down the door, pulls Jack off of Lily and punches him in the face. My, how time changes people. Jack is carted off just as Rufus rushes in and very non-chalantly escorts Lily out. Way to be concerned, Rufus.

“The only Bass who gets to go around raping chicks is ME, Jack!”

The next morning, Lily and Rufus are acting like she didn’t almost get raped when Chuck arrives. Turns out Lily didn’t press charges, and Jack is safely on his way back to Sydney to rape some Aussie girls. Lily is now the interim head of Bass Industries, but reveals she will turn over everything to Chuck on his 18th birthday, for all she wants is him as a part of her family. Touched, Chuck fights down the man tears and asks if he can move back in, which of course Lily accepts.

“Frankly, the thought of all those memos and reports and… well, reading in general… just really scares the shit out of me.”

Blair’s on the phone with Serena, gushing that the headmistresses wants to meet with her. Ruh roh. Serena, meanwhile, is clearly having second thoughts about her awful relationship with Dan — which appears to be mutual as we see Dan ignore Serena’s incoming call. Well I don’t think Dan will be lonely boy for long, as Rachel shows up at the gallery, all like “Call me Rachel. Did I mention I get off on pompous douchebags and terrible writing?” Fucking a student is so not small-town midwestern girl, Rach.

There’s naiveté and there’s mental retardation. I’m going with the latter.

Blair arrives at the headmistress’s office, with Gossip Girl making ominous commentary about things coming to an end. The headmistress wastes no time getting to it — Blair has detention (oh noes!), and Yale has been notified, resulting in her acceptance being placed on hold. If Blair acts like a good girl during this probation, Yale’s still possible. If not… Blair walks out of the office where Dorota and the puppy are waiting. Instead of being scared and eager to please the headmistress, B declares war. Of course she does. She warns Dorota that she’s going to wait until the moment is right then get her revenge on Rachel, ninja-style. Well if Rachel starts banging Dan, that may provide some good ammo.

That’s it for last week’s episode! What did you think? Will you miss Jack? How long do you give Dan and Serena this time around? How pointless are Nate, Vanessa and Jenny at this point? Is Chuck finally back to normal? And how obvious is Kelly Rutherford’s baby bump? Personally, I will miss Jack, I think D & S will be done for within two more weeks, I think N, V & J could be written out and I wouldn’t notice, and I hope to God Chuck is back. As for the baby bump, I can’t stop staring at it. Having Rufus repeatedly place his hands on Lily’s stomach to hide it is not helping, producers.

Sorry that it took me so long to get this recap out. I was about two-thirds done when the blogging software crashed and I lost everything, and then I was so swamped this past week I didn’t have a chance to come back and start over until now. To try to get it posted quicker, I opted for less text and more pictures. Let me know what you think about the format — whether you like this better or prefer I stick to the format I usually use.