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This week on Gossip Girl, Serena and Blair catfight, Dan and Upchuck fistfight, and Nate and Jenny look confused. Only this time, at brunch!
What a fuster cluck.
It’s the morning after the infamous Kiss on the Lips party, and Upchuck’s dad is throwing a lavish brunch to which the crÃ¨me of the crÃ¨me of the Upper East side has been invited. Meaning: no Humphreys. Because they’re poor. Unfazed by this societal bitch slap, Dan begins his morning by checking in on his little sis, to make sure she’s recovered from nearly being raped by the Upchuckster himself the night before. Jenny reassures him she’s fine, just a little mad at herself that she believed that Upchuck only wanted to “talk” when he lured her to the roof like a fat kid with cake.
Jenny quickly turns the topic on Dan, asking him how he’s holding up after the way last night ended. We flash back to the cab carrying Jenny, Dan and Serena pulling up to the Palace. Her hand on the door, Serena hovers expectantly for a few moments and Dan is oblivious to the invitation in her eyes. Annoyed, Serena gets out of the car alone. Jenny hisses for Dan to follow, and as he lunges towards the door, Serena slams it right in his face, hitting him squarely. It’s hard to tell, but I like to think she did that on purpose. The cabbie starts driving away, and at Jenny’s scream to stop, slams on the breaks, throwing brother and sister against the plastic divider. Dan moans that he has brain damage, which he deserves for being such a tool. Out on the street, Serena sees the cab lurch to a stop and walks up to the window, confused. Seeing her peering in, Dan smiles awkwardly and then waves like a complete buffoon. The cab pulls away leaving Serena standing there, a look of disgust on her face. It’s pretty humiliating for Dan, all around. I understand not wanting to make a move in front of your kid sister, but if you’re that bad at reading women you might as well castrate yourself now, since that thing won’t be getting any use for the next 50 years.
When I wear gold lame’ I expect to get some ass.
Dan groans that the wave couldn’t have been that bad, and Jenny convinces him that he should go apologize to Serena in person since he doesn’t have any dignity left anyway. Meanwhile, Serena is telling her brother, Mushroom, the same wave story. She’s unsure whether the wave was Dan’s way of being funny, or a sign that he hated her. The ‘Shroom, who’s been using his time in the psych ward to catch up on his Dr. Phil reruns, calls out Serena for having a big thing for Dan. Serena admits it, and changes the subject to how bitchy Blair was at KOTL. Serena muses that maybe she’ll go talk to Blair in person to sort it out.
Across town, Blair is holding court with her minions, fuming that Serena better not show up at brunch. Hmm, so Serena coming to talk to Blair would probably be a bad idea. In an alarmingly quick mood change, she then happily declares that she’s going to call Nate, her boyfriend, whom she loves and who loves her. Saying it out loud does not make it true, dearie. I could sit here all day and tell myself how rich I am, and I’ll still be eating fucking Ramen tonight. Blair coos to Nate on the phone for the minions’ benefit, sprinkling the conversation with various endearments while asking if he’ll be attending brunch. Nate, on the receiving end of this nausea, is a complete wreck, dirty and hungover on a couch. As Blair drones on, Nate shifts into an upright position to see Upchuck in bed, and he’s not alone. Nope, there are two maids curled up with him, both of which are young and hot. Okay first, Upchuck had a threesome with Nate in the room? Gross. And second, where the hell did these hot maids come from? The maids at the hotels I usually stay at are like 45 years old, hunchbacked, with tufts of hair protruding from various parts of their faces. Goddamn Motel 6.
Upchuck’s theory: Dress like something girls like to suck on and see what happens.
Nate gets off the phone, and Upchuck shoos the girls out, but not before placing a room service request. Classy. The guys rehash the KOTL party, specifically Dan punching Upchuck in the face in a moment of awesomeness. Upchuck tells Nate that he’s going to kill Dan, which Nate doesn’t take seriously but I do. This kid’s fucking unhinged. Nate mocks Upchuck’s ubiquitous scarf, which Upchuck defends as his trademark or something. Very manly. What, did somebody else already claim mittens as theirs?
After a lazy start, everyone’s on the move this morning. Nate calls the front desk to find out what room Serena and the rest of the VDW’s are staying in. Serena calls Blair and leaves a voicemail, which Blair promptly deletes, Dan and Jenny are heading out the door to pay their own social calls. I spend my Sunday mornings huddled in bed, promising myself I’ll never drink again, so they’re all very ambitious in my book.
Back at the hotel, Serena has decided that she will go talk to Blair in person and is getting ready to do so when her mother breezes in. Lily really wants Serena to go to the brunch, lecturing her that the more Serena hides herself, the more people are going to think she has something to hide. Serena brushes that off, as well as Lily’s probing questions about her date with Dan, and heads out the door and into a cab. Of course as Serena jumps in the cab, she doesn’t notice Dan who is standing right there. But he didn’t see her either, so he goes in the hotel anyway, wearing what vaguely resembles a Nazi uniform for a jacket. The same front desk clerk from the day before is on duty, and he takes some pleasure in telling Dan he just missed Serena. Dan asks if Serena will be back soon, and the desk guy tells him that one time Serena left and didn’t come back for six months, so if Dan wants to try his luck and wait for her, it’s up to him. So this means the VDWs have been living in the hotel for at least 6 months, and probably longer. That is some long remodeling job. That house better have gold-plated toilets when they finally get to move back in.
Meanwhile, Nate is also trying to track down Serena, and runs into Lily in the hallway outside the VDW suite. Lily immediately fawns all over Nate, overlooking his wrinkled tux, disheveled hair, and the distinct aroma of hooker. They travel together down to the lobby, where they run into Dan, who’s taking his chances and waiting for Serena to return. Lily eyes Dan like a cockroach, and snidely implies that her day was pleasant until running into him. I hope Dan’s dad Rufus bangs her sooner than later, because she is way too damn uptight right now. Lily stalks off, leaving Nate to awkwardly join Dan in waiting for our It Girl.
Serena of course is at Blair’s, trying to make nice. She enters, babbling about doing their old breakfast-coffee-Breakfast at Tiffany’s tradition, which Blair icily shoots down, saying she has new traditions now, which include traipsing around in a flimsy robe and ignoring Serena. Serena stands there confused for a moment before venturing that she thought things were fine between them. Serena needs to lay off the booze because she evidently cannot remember the death glares Blair shot her at KOTL last night, even though she mentioned them to the ‘Shroom a few hours ago. Blair coldly informs Serena that things were fine until she found out Serena had sex with her boyfriend. Serena gapes like a fish out of water and finally asks how Blair found out. Blair reveals Nate as the snitch, and Serena tries to make excuses and apologize until Blair cuts her off, silkily saying, “I always knew you were a whore, but I never took you for a liar, too.” Dayumn! I give that a perfect 10/10 on the Bitch-o-Meter. Blair tells Serena that her life is over, and to stay away from her, Nate, and the minions before throwing Serena out to watch Audrey Hepburn by herself.
The Waldorfs need to invest in a home security system or at least a lock or two, because now Jenny is at Blair’s, having just strolled in off the street. Blair is surprised to see her, and Jenny claims that she came by to return Blair’s calligraphy pens. Seeing as though Jenny lives all the way out in Brooklyn, that excuse is a little weak unless those are magic calligraphy pens. Blair cuts the shit and calls Jenny out on wanting to know what Upchuck has been saying about her since KOTL. Jenny admits it, but Blair says she hasn’t heard anything yet since Upchuck typically only brags about his successful date rapes. The unsuccessful ones, he just plots on how he can get them alone again. Blair gives Jenny a calculating look, then makes her an offer she can’t refuse: come upstairs and help Blair get ready for brunch. Jenny swoons like this is a dream come true. New minion count: Blair – 3, Serena – 0.
Lily meanwhile has gone to blow off some of that sexual tension by harassing Rufus about Dan and Serena’s budding relationship. They taunt each other for a while, and we learn that Lily is divorced and not seeing anyone serious right now, and may still have some tattoos in scandalous, stretched-out places. She tells Rufus that Serena doesn’t need a guy in her life distracting her, but we all know she objects to Dan because he doesn’t come with a trust fund and daddy’s credit cards. Rufus sticks up for his son, and the conversation goes nowhere except to remind me how boring parental storylines are.
Perhaps intimidated by the glares of the surly desk guy, Nate and Dan are now keeping Serena Watch outside on the hotel sidewalk. They make awkward conversation until Nate gets the balls to ask what’s really on his mind: are Dan and Serena together? Flustered, Dan says he doesn’t know and Nate cryptically responds that with Serena you never do know what’s going on. Done deflowering some hotel waitresses, Upchuck strolls outside, and lunges for Dan upon recognizing him. Nate holds Upchuck back while Upchuck pulls the my-daddy-owns-this-hotel card and orders Dan to wait on the curb with the rest of the trash. How badass. There are some more threats of ass kicking until Nate finally pulls Upchuck away, who promises that it’s not over between him and Dan. Dan simply says anytime, and that Upchuck’s one black eye looks a little lonely.
Jenny is kissing Blair’s ass, the latter of which is wearing a puffy blue dress that does nothing for it. Despite Jenny’s praise, Blair dismisses the dress as last season and carelessly pulls it off while Jenny tries to hide her dismay on giving bad advice. Be careful, minion-in-training! To cover her discomfort, Jenny babbles about Dan, including that he went on a date with Serena the night before. Blair stops dead in her ruffled-pantied tracks, smelling an opportunity. She asks if Jenny’s friends with Serena, and Jenny’s answer indicates that she might be a better politician than seamstress or calligrapher. She tells Blair that she doesn’t have a problem with Serena, and she doesn’t have a problem with anyone else having a problem with Serena. Blair’s smile takes on Cheshire Cat proportions as she sweetly offers Jenny the puffy blue dress. Jenny is deliriously happy, and can’t believe Blair’s “generosity.” Blair reassures her that she’s sure that Jenny will find some way to repay her. Good work, Jenny, you just signed over your first-born child. At least.
I really see Blair as more of a Garbage Pail than Cabbage Patch kind of girl, don’t you?
Nate has slunk off to de-whore himself before brunch, but Dan is still waiting at the hotel when Serena finally decides to grace it with her presence. After apologizing for the wave, he asks if she wants to grab something to eat, and she eagerly agrees. At that moment Lily arrives, and demands again that Serena attend the brunch. Mother and daughter bicker until Serena finally agrees to go – if Dan goes too. This girl is dumber than rocks – it was a huge scandal when she showed up at KOTL last night with Dan, and now she’s going to bring him to another pretty people event he hasn’t been invited to? What? So much for that low profile, ass.
So Dan and Serena arrive at brunch (which is being conveniently held at the hotel), and no one is happy to see either one of them. Blair, dressed up bizarrely like a Victorian American Girl doll, is pissed as hell, and Upchuck cracks his knuckles in anticipation of that aforementioned ass kicking. Nate, of course, is skulking around shooting Serena wounded looks until she gives Dan the slip and follows Nate out into the hall. The second they’re both out there, she begins yelling at Nate for being honest with Blair about that whole sex thing, and he tells her to shut the hell up as there are other people around. He gives her a key to Upchuck’s hotel suite, and tells Serena to meet him up there to “talk.” She reluctantly agrees, and they separate.
Meet Blair: An American Bitch
Upchuck’s strolling around, looking bored and insolent when his dad approaches him to inquire about the black eye and make sure Upchuck’s not in any trouble. He seems like a decent parent, which isn’t saying much from those we’ve met. Upchuck is his normal charming self, and his dad finally leaves him alone after ordering Upchuck to lay off the scotch since it’s barely noon. Way to discipline your underage son, Upchuck Senior. I wonder where he gets his amazing respect for authority. And women. And other human beings in general. Cappy McDouche is also in attendance, wearing the fugliest suit I have ever seen – I thought a Dartmouth man would know better than that. It’s literally held together with masking tape. Cappy grabs Nate to praise him for staying with a girl he doesn’t love for the sake of his father’s business deals before foisting him off on some lawyer friends for networking.
No sir, I don’t have any idea what the hell my father is wearing, either.
After shaking his dad loose, Upchuck sidles up to Blair to taunt her about Nate’s wandering eye. He produces another key to his hotel suite (how many keys are there, exactly? And why are they old-fashioned metal keys and not swipe cards?), and tells Blair to grab Nate and seal the deal while the omelet station guy is setting up. After a few more well-placed jibes about securing her future happiness and keeping Nate’s attention on her, Blair takes the key and drags a startled Nate out of the room while Upchuck watches, pleased. I don’t know if Upchuck is just trying to get his boy laid, or he’s trying to stir up a fuster cluck as Gossip Girl calls it, but it’s creepy regardless.
Now this would be a great ANTM crossover
Blair pulls Nate into an elevator, pressing him up against the wall and kissing him constantly so that he can’t get a word in edgewise. The elevator doors open, and she leads him into a room, still kissing. Nate finally snaps out of it for a second to cry out, panicked, that they’re in Upchuck’s suite. Who didn’t see that one coming? Congratulations, you’re retarded. Serena, who had been waiting up there for Nate, reveals herself. Blair, foisted yet again, loses her mind, screaming at both Nate and Serena while they try to explain that they were just meeting to talk. Blair screams at Nate that he’s not supposed to be talking to Serena in the first place, and he hastily explains that he wanted to talk to Serena to explain to Serena why he can’t talk to her. I’m sure that sounded a lot better in his head.
Blair starts to storm out, but Serena insists that she be the one that leaves, so Blair and Nate can still have their quickie. Blair furiously snaps that some people view sex as being more important and special than that, and Serena retorts that losing her virginity in Upchuck’s bed during brunch totally screams “special.” Or “desperate and manipulative.” Between stumbling upon Serena and Nate’s clandestine meeting and Serena correctly pointing out the desperation of her seduction plan, Blair’s reached her limit, and runs out of the room, calling after her that she’s sure Dan would love to hear how “classy” Serena is. Scared, Serena follows with Nate bringing up the rear.
Meanwhile, Dan has been wandering the party alone while Serena takes what he must think is a massive dump. He strolls outside and accidentally overhears Lily and Upchuck’s dad arguing. So not only did Mrs. VDW use to sleep with Dan’s dad, she’s currently sleeping with Upchuck’s dad! Nice work, lady. Is Cappy on that list, too? He’s a Dartmouth man, you know. Lily is mad that Upchuck Senior is dating multiple women, and he’s frustrated that Lily wants to keep their relationship a secret. Before we can find out anything else, Lily notices Dan eavesdropping and chases him down before he can slip away. She tells him that her involvement with Upchuck Senior is a secret, and Dan promises to keep it, even from Serena.
Time for the fireworks. After the run-in with Lily, Dan goes back into the party and Blair dashes over to sweetly introduce herself as Serena’s frien(emy). Nate and Serena join them, and Blair announces that the reason why Serena was MIA was because she was waiting in a hotel room for Nate. Nate and Serena try to do damage control, and Upchuck, anticipating a better way to get even with Dan than physical violence, joins the group. Serena begs Blair not to tell a bewildered Dan that she slept with Nate, and Upchuck volunteers to do the deed, surprising both Blair and Nate that he knew. Serena haltingly begins to tell Dan the story but Upchuck, wanting to speed things up, interrupts to tell Serena to stop trying to pretend to be a good girl, and that he kind of admires her for sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend. Blair gleefully pipes in to add that Serena also ran away and lied about it.
Dan is shell shocked, and doesn’t immediately react except to quietly ask Serena if the story is true, which she tearfully confirms. Just to twist the knife a little deeper, Upchuck taunts Dan that he still has some unfinished business to take care of with Jenny. Just in case Dan misunderstood that business to mean financial transactions instead of the intended date rape, Upchuck then calls Jenny a slut for good measure. Dan shoves Upchuck, who yet again does nothing in retaliation. All psychotic talk, that one. At least with guys. Dan turns to leave and Serena say she’ll go with him, but he tells her not to bother and stalks out.
Serena throws self-respect out the window and chases Dan out the hotel, apologizing profusely. I am not at all agreeing with her sleeping with Nate, but I don’t quite understand her apologizing to Dan for it. She just met him yesterday, and I don’t think her sexual history is any of his business. But anyway, Dan stops her apologies by telling her that he is completely turned off by her world and the people she hangs out with. He says he thought she was different, but it’s clear that she’s not. She trots out her standard “I’m trying to change” speech, and says that if Dan can’t accept her efforts, then he’s not who she thought he was, either. They stare each other down, then both turn and walk away, too stubborn to give in.
Back at home, Dan tells Rufus and Jenny that things are over with Serena (at least until the next episode that is), and warns Jenny that she can’t trust any of that group. Jenny smiles and nods, but she’s too busy clutching a bouquet of hydrangeas – the same kind of flowers in Blair’s front hall – to really pay attention. In one ear and out the other.
Laying in bed after (?) the brunch, Nate quietly tells Blair that she needs to forgive him, or they need to break up for good. She clasps his hand silently, so it looks like for now she’s going to forgive him. I totally get the impression that her desire to stay with him isn’t even about Nate himself, but rather keeping him from Serena and therefore “winning.” If having to date Nate is winning, then I would be totally down with losing.
Jenny is standing in front of the mirror, admiring herself in the blue dress Blair gave her. Gossip Girl pipes in to tell us that Jenny’s been spotted in an Eleanor Waldorf original, the known uniform of Blair’s minions and gifted from Blair herself. Have you seen some of the clothes the minions have worn? A three-year-old could dress herself better. How the hell is Eleanor Waldorf not bankrupt if those are her designs? Anyway, GG tells us that the real question is whether Jenny will be a loyal solider of Blair’s or side with Serena’s rebel forces. Jenny’s a nitwit. She’ll go with whoever tells her the most convincing lies.
Finally we see Serena, walking sadly down the crowded NYC streets, looking at pictures of her and Blair, smiling and laughing, stored in her cell phone. As GG says, the ultimate insider is now the ultimate outsider. After reminiscing, Serena tosses her entire cell phone in a trashcan and walks away. That’s a little extreme… she could have just, you know, deleted the pictures out if she’d thought about it for a second. But that’s probably giving her too much credit.