Gossip Girl: Happy Endings Suck

As you may have noticed, this Gossip Girl recap’s a little late this week. Sorry bout that, guys! With a new episode right around the corner, let’s not waste any time delving into the lives of our rich, spoiled, and semi-attractive UESiders, okay?

Serena is SO not my Huckleberry Friend.

The episode begins in Blair’s nightmare, where Serena has reclaimed her position as Head Plastic, and Blair’s Audrey Hepburn ‘do has made her look 20 years older. The trauma of premature aging wakes Blair up, and she heads down to find her mom and Serena getting chummy over croissants or scones, or whatever the hell rich people binge and purge on. Mommy Dearest breaks the news that a department store is going to carry her line of hideous dresses, throwing veiled insults at her daughter while simultaneously praising Serena. Who else doesn’t think this friendship is going to last long?

Meanwhile, Upchuck’s throwing a party in his hotel suite to celebrate the end of Ivy Week and the departure of those Princeton MILFs. Before the guests arrive, Upchuck shows Nate a pricey watch and a priceless Babe Ruth baseball, and locks them away in a drawer. Now this party consists of a bunch of horny boys and some upper-class hookers Upchuck’s daddy paid for. Fun times. Some random dude named Carter shows up, causing quite the stir. Nate exposits that Carter’s been MIA since he graduated like four years ago, and Upchuck scornfully observes that Carter looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies. I don’t know if y’all follow the tabloids, but Upchuck was definitely not paying this Carter kid a compliment:

Part man, part … dog?

Serena and Blair are shopping, and a couple skeezy, older men blatantly check them out as they walk by. Blair fishes for compliments by complaining that the guys were only looking at Serena, and then brings up how Mommy Dearest only had eyes for Serena as well. Serena tries to convince Blair otherwise, but it’s a pretty weak attempt and Blair heads into another store alone, leaving Serena on the street. But lo and behold, Dan happens to be walking by, and Serena flags him down to harass him about when they’re going on another date. Before Dan can tell her he’s going to be washing his hair, Blair returns and bitchily tells Dan he smells like pork and cheese and announces that when Serena’s done with her charity work, to come meet her at another location. Blair flounces away, and Dan points out that Blair had acted like a psycho bitch at the Ivy Week mixer and questions why Serena’s hanging out with her. Serena explains that they have to make up for at least a few episodes, and runs off after again instructing Dan to call her. She’s lucky her hotness outweighs her evident desperation.

Back at Upchuck’s party, Carter is weaving tales about how he threw away his trust fund to do volunteer work and help the world or some shit. Nate’s powder-blue sweater is intrigued, but Upchuck is having none of it and basically tells him to STFU with all his do-gooder talk and go fuck some hookers. Upchuck flags down a pair of the aforementioned fallen doves, and after he departs to go acquire some new diseases, Carter tells Nate about some high stakes poker game and encourages him to join. Something smells fishy, and it ain’t just the entertainment.

This party is totally bad-ass. It’s got Wii Sports and everything!

In some awfully contrived scene, Mommy Dearest is pondering which model to use for her new Ugly by Eleanor Waldorf line, when her faithful assistant suggests that Blair might be the perfect candidate. Standing nearby, Serena overhears the suggestion and shoves an oblivious Blair forward to accept. Mommy Dearest realizes that having her spawn as her model may make good press and agrees, while Blair giggles – GIGGLES – happily over the fact her mom has finally paid attention to her other than to insult her. Munchkin, it’s business, not personal, but keep on grinning like an idiot.

Back at Blair’s, the UES Mensa society must be holding it’s monthly meeting, for Blair, Serena, and the minions are all in the same room. Blair is positively giddy, and she and Serena make goofy modeling poses while the minions faithfully try to copy. Dan calls Serena, but Blair scoops up the phone first to try to convince Dan to just go away. After amusingly calling Dan “Cabbage Patch” after his doll, Blair relinquishes the phone to Serena, and Dan asks Serena out to a move that night.

Ugh, parents. Rufus is at his gallery and meets an aggressive and flirtatious brunette. And… yeah. There may have been more to that scene, but I dozed off. Meanwhile, the guys have taken a break from drinking and whoring to go play basketball. I think it’s supposed to be the next day, but I’m not really sure. Regardless, for their big post-Ivy party weekend, this is totally lame.

Clearly, the syph has already made Upchuck go crazy

At the Ugly by Eleanor Waldorf photo shoot, Blair is dressed as a bumblebee and is modeling like she’s got a bigger pole than usual up her ass. She’s completely stiff, and the photographer is not happy with the pictures. Serena catches wind of this and worriedly approaches Blair with some KY and tries to yank out the pole. Blair realizes she’s fucking it up and asks Serena for help. As Serena flounces around like an idiot, trying to dislodge the pole and get Blair to loosen up, Mommy Dearest takes notice and the photog begins furiously snapping pictures – of both girls. Ruh-roh.

Serena realizes that it’s getting late, and calls Dan to cancel on their date. Seeing as though she practically forced him to ask her out, this is a pretty dick move – especially since she waited so late to call that he’s already in line at the move theater! Dan says it’s cool, but he’s annoyed as he should be and gives her a little crap about blowing him off for a photo shoot.

I’d pick this one. Serena just brings a certain BLAAAAARG to the photo, don’t you think?

Aggressive Girl is back and she buys an icky modern art painting from Rufus. Yay, the Humphreys will get to eat this week! She asks Rufus out on a date, and he reveals that he’s separated, and declines. Oh you know if this were Lily, he’d be ripping off her solid gold panties by now. Yeah, solid gold. They may be uncomfortable, but goddamnit she didn’t whore herself from billionaire to billionaire just to wear plain ol’ cotton!

Now the guys are on an under-aged pub crawl, but Nate doesn’t want to go. He and Upchuck have a lover’s spat outside about how Nate likes Carter’s do-gooder attitude better than the depravity Upchuck encourages. Annoyed, Nate walks away and decides that he’s going to go meet up with Carter at that poker game.

Mopey Dan gets home and has to endure Rufus strumming his guitar as if he’s a legitimate musician. He spills to his dad that evil Blair is coming between him and his golden-haired princess, and Rufus settles down to tell the story of when he dated a girl a lot like Serena. You know, her mother. But he doesn’t say that, of course. He tells Dan to go for it, although it didn’t work out for him. Dan and I both think this is pretty shitty, discouraging advice.

Across town, Mommy Dearest tucks in Blair, and plays with her daughter’s hair in a way I’m sure Blair mistakes as being loving. In reality, MD was just checking out the goods on her model. Can’t have no frizzy-haired bitch as the face of Ugly by Eleanor Waldorf. Meanwhile, Serena tries to make up for being a flake by calling Dan and inviting him to the photo shoot the next day. She promises it will be just them hanging around on the sidelines, with her giving him her full attention. He’s less than thrilled, but Serena hangs up on him before he can muster up the balls to turn her down. That’s one strategy to get a date.

And if you disappoint me, darling, I’ll pull this out strand by strand

A little while later, the photog, assistant, and Jay Manuel have arrived at Blair’s to talk to Mommy Dearest about the pictures they took earlier that day. They plop down the shots of Blair, and criticize her for being stiff and rigid. Surprisingly, Mommy Dearest defends Blair at first, preferring to call her dignified and regal instead. But once she sees the superior shots of Serena, at ease and laughing, you can tell the seeds of doubt have been planted.

The next morning, Mommy Dearest breaks the news that they’ve decided to go with a model who doesn’t look like she has large objects crammed in her anus. Blair lies and says she’s glad she doesn’t have to do it, and a guilty Mommy promises they’ll go out to dinner later. Once her mom walks off, Blair wipes away a tear and calls Serena. She gets her voicemail, and tells Serena to come to the shoot anyway to check out the replacement and make fun of the skinny bitch. Wonder what Serena’s doing this morning? This is gonna get fuglier than Upchuck.

Now Lily is at Rufus’s gallery. This place evidently has a one-in-one-out policy, since there’s never more than one person in there at a time. Turns out Aggressive Girl is an employee of Lily’s and bought the painting at Lily’s request. But Lily didn’t know the painting was from Rufus’s gallery, and she didn’t know that Rufus’s wife painted it. Rufus is all like, big fucking deal on both counts, but Lily wants to return the painting. I think she just realized how ugly it is and is trying to find a way to get a refund.

Upchuck is strolling around his suite, quite possibly just after arriving home from the night before. He decides to check on that priceless baseball and o-m-g it’s not there! I never saw this coming after we wasted several minutes hearing about how priceless and important it is! Oh, and the watch is gone, too. Instead of calling security like a rational person, Upchuck sends an emergency text to Nate, who is still at that poker game. Nate gives Upchuck the address of the game and generally blows him off, but he tries to leave the poker game since he’s made some money and it’s you know, the next day. Carter doesn’t like that idea, and convinces Nate to stay a few more hands. Once again spineless, Nate reluctantly agrees.

Why buy both candlesticks and anal beads when you can have two-in-one?

At the photo shoot, Serena of course is the model. Blair walks up and sees what’s going on, and stomps away, disgusted, as Serena happily calls Blair over to where she’s posing. Serena catches up to Blair in a stairwell, and Dan, coming around the corner, stays out of sight to listen to their conversation. Blair accuses Serena of being jealous that the spotlight was on Blair for once, and Serena seems honestly confused, insisting that she thought they were doing the photo shoot together. It escalates until Blair screams that Serena takes everything from her – Nate, her mom, and Serena can’t even help it because that’s who she is. Blair runs off, but sees Dan lurking like a rapist around the corner. She’s less than thrilled that Cabbage Patch witnessed the exchange.

Serena, with Dan discretely following, marches straight back to Mommy Dearest and quits. MD knows it’s because of Blair, and tries to convince Serena that shit happens and this is for the best. Serena wordlessly disappears, leaving Dan with an angry MD, who yells at him. I’m convinced this woman is bipolar.

In the dressing area, Serena is stripping out of Ugly by Eleanor Waldorf outfit behind a white screen that conveniently shows every inch of her shadow in detail. It reminds me of that scene from “Dirty Dancing.” Dan approaches, and criticizes her cellulite and her involvement in the photo shoot. So much for getting her full attention, he sarcastically says. Angry and sad, Serena says that Mommy Dearest tricked her into modeling by telling her she and Blair were modeling together. Dan tries to apologize, but Serena dismisses him.

Hey, uh… need any help with that?

Next, Dan comes upon Blair, sitting on the floor in a hallway. You know she’s defeated cuz like, people have walked on that floor. Gross. He approaches her and she snaps that she normally wouldn’t let him this close without a tetanus shot. Ah, there’s our girl. He ignores the insult, and instead tells Blair about how his mom walked out on their family. He wants to tell his mom to either come back or get a divorce and leave for good, just because it would be good to say how he felt. I guess this is supposed to comfort Blair by implying it was good to tell Serena how she felt, but it seems like a bit of a stretch to me. And Blair’s reactions so far have not indicated any deep, meaningful thinking on her part. Ten bucks this went right over her head.

Why the fuck is this poor kid telling me about his deadbeat mom?

Back at the poke game, Nate is not only no longer winning, but he’s out of cash. He doesn’t have enough to call the latest bet, and instead of folding, Carter encourages him to start writing IOUs. As spineless Nate starts scribbling, Carter grins evilly at the other players, who are obviously in on the plan to scam the stupid rich kid. Nate loses the hand of course, and says it might take a while to get the money to cover the IOU. Carter is having none of that, and Nate finally wakes up and realizes that poker wasn’t the only game being played. There’s a scuffle, and the other guys grab Nate and hold him still. Looks like someone’s getting an ass beating, which would be sweet. But wait! Never fear – Captain Upchuck is here! Upchuck proposes a trade- Upchuck won’t call the cops about the missing watch and baseball, and Carter will pay off Nate’s poker debt. Seeing as though he’s getting a $10,000 watch and a priceless piece of sports memorabilia in exchange for paying off one night’s poker debt, Carter agrees to the deal and our two lovebirds ride off into the sunset.

Back in Upchuck’s hotel suite, Nate gives him a little thank you sex and then promises to pay Upchuck back in more than just sexual favors. Nate checks his bank account online, and is stunned that the balance is zero. One quick phone call later, and Nate realizes that his father drained his trust fund weeks ago. Because… Nate doesn’t want to go to Dartmouth? You know that’s gotta be it. Seriously. So. Fucking. Sick. Of. Dartmouth.

Blair decides to confront Mommy Dearest about the modeling trick, and demands to know if her mom was ever going to tell her. MD claims she was going to tell Blair at that dinner she had promised earlier, which now explains why MD would voluntarily hang out with her spawn. MD explains her actions by saying that if she had let Blair fuck up this opportunity for her company, MD would never have forgiven herself. That’s pretty cold, MD.

Dan seeks out Serena for more punishment and apologies, and suddenly all is hunky-dorey between them as they reschedule their date again. Blair then pops in, and now is playing nice with Dan. Guess that comparing messed-up mom stories did the trick. Glad their hatred was neatly resolved in one episode. Serena and Blair talk, apologize, and hug. The girls then steal all of the Ugly by Eleanor Waldorf clothes, and instead of burning them like I would, they put on some orange and blue sacks and run around the city, taking pictures. So now we’re all one big happy family? That’s bullshit. I’m not watching this show for happiness. Lame.

Poll: Which is worse? I’m voting for the carrot sack.

On the bright side, no Jenny or the Mush this episode. Yay!