Welcome back everyone! This week on Gossip Girl Vanessa takes us on an inside tour of the inner workings of a political campaign, we witness the dissolution of the “rock solid” friendship between Queen Bee and Sluterena, and it seems Chace Crawford has discovered how to give the audience an emotion other than “stoned”. More after the jump!
“I call this my ‘Contemplative’ face.”
In fair Manhattan where we lay our scene, everyone is shuffling about in a twitter, prepping for the Congressional election. There is a shot showcasing a lovely portrait of Tripp Vanderbilt being carried into what I assume is the Bass Hotel, because Chuck is directing the movers. While King Bass does the hard work, Queen Bee makes herself useful by chastising a bell hop for standing idly next to the door.
Yes, how dare that bell hop stand there where people are entering the hotel with their luggage?
Over at the coffee shop, Serena is discussing her new faux-beau, Patrick Roberts, with Casey. Casey tells Serena that her next assignment is to get Patrick photographed at the Vanderbilt election party. Is this supposed to be a representation of real life? You mean to tell me celebrities get involved with politics only for their own personal gain, and not because they actually care about the issues at stake? Hmm. Who’d have thunk? Serena tells Casey that it would take some major sexual favors to get into the Vanderbilt party after foiling Nate’s plans to single-handedly win Tripp the election, and Serena has too much pride for that. Then, for about the 80th time this season Casey tells her that she needs to get the job done, or she’s getting fired. This time I kinda believe that Casey actually would fire her if she didn’t get herself and Patrick into the party. Let’s face it Serena, you weren’t hired because of your extensive resume, you were hired because of your almost unparalleled social connections, and if you can’t get yourself into a party then you’re useless. So you’d better flash those boobies the way we all know you can, and beg Nate to let you take a few pictures at the party, or you’re getting the axe.
Back at the NYU dorms, Hilary Duff and HateHim Humphrey are blissfully enjoying each other’s morning breath. Hilary makes a comment about Vanessa’s absence, and wonders why she only spent 10 minutes in the room with them. Uhm, I dunno Hilary, but I’d venture to guess it’s because she didn’t want to witness your disgusting thigh bumping activities all through the night.
If this was the first thing I saw when I walked into my dorm room, I’d stay out of there too.
Dan tells Duff that Vanessa has been busy capturing the Vanderbilt campaign on tape for whatever documentary she’s working on at the moment, but the only footage that he wants to see is Duff’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon. She tells him that she’s sorry she made him trek to the gelato shop, but she had a major craving for an iced treat. Dan tells her that he’ll watch it online, but she says that she’d rather he watch it in HD, which translates to “please don’t watch the interview because I probably said something incriminating about you.”
As he’s walking through the hall—-OhMyGod a black person! Right there! How did this happen? I thought that the only black people the producers allowed on this show were that one Mean Girl and Vanessa’s mother. You know, African-American characters strategically placed so that the show doesn’t seem racist, but this particular cameo character doesn’t seem planted at all. Curious…
“Alright! Alright! My cousin drives the production truck, and I snuck in so that I could bum rush the set. I’m leaving now! Everybody calm the f$#% down!”
The guy tells everyone to clear the way because “Bathroom Boy” is coming through. I don’t get it…
At the Bass Hotel, King Bass is giving Nate a tour of the suite which will be of use to Tripp and his staff during election day. I should also add that Nate’s manbangs have made their well deserved return. You know Gasmii, I’m starting to think that I can see into the future: I asked for Eric to get a plotline, and BAM last week they gave him a plotline. I’ve been asking for hair and makeup to bring back Nate’s Southern Swoop, and BOOM, there it is. They should just hire me as a writer for the show, because I know what the people want! Anyway, Vanessa, who has been lolling around in the background, thanks Nate for letting her film the affair. I’ll bet you the contents of my pajama pants (two pennies and a cotton ball) that this blows up in Nate’s face, just like every other great idea that he’s had.
Tripp tells the gang that he’s down in the polls, but even if he loses, they’ll still have a great party. His wife tells him that she didn’t spend an entire day reading “The Secret” aloud, for him to just throw away all their learnings and spew venomous negativity all around, and he tells her that he’ll try to think positively. You know, his wife seems like a conniving bitch. Plus, she’s a redhead, and if we’ve learned anything from television in the past decade, it’s that there are no honest redheads. They all have ulterior motives.
In the other room Nate is having an intense conversation with Grandfather:
“Okay I have a serious question.”
“What is it m’boy?”
“Alright, watch my face…”
“This is my ‘Listening Intently’ look, and then this…”
“…is my ‘Concerned’ look. Do you see how different the two are?!”
But seriously. Grandfather tells Nate that the reason Tripp is down in the polls is because that sneaky harlot, Sluterena, ruined their whole campaign plan, so unless someone makes some kind of miracle happen in the next few hours, Tripp is going to lose. We cut to said harlot at the NYU dorms, dropping off the Jimmy Fallon interview. Duff assumes that Serena has already viewed the tape. Just as a predicted, Duff said something embarrassing about Dan on national television, and now she isn’t sure what to do about it. You know Hilary, I don’t think there’s anything that you could have said that would have embarrassed Dan any more than he manages to embarrass himself by stepping out in public everyday. However, Duff still wants to keep Dan away from television, and the internet, and Gossip Girl, and random black men with the urge to scream out “BATHROOM BOY!” when they see him. Yeah, good luck with that,Duffster.
We then see Queen Bee tromping through the hall of the dorms. When she sees Serena she tells her that she hopes Serena hasn’t come in search of an apology. When Serena tells her that she was only there to drop off the Jimmy Fallon interview to the Duff, Blair says, “Oh that’s right! I momentarily forgot that your job is more important than your friends!” Well…sometimes. Blair also tells her that she and Chuck have been prepping for Tripp’s partay, and she noticed that Serena’s name wasn’t on the guest list. I don’t know if it was “noticed” so much as it was scoured the guest list first thing to see if Serena was on it, and then felt all fuzzy and warm inside when she wasn’t. Serena lets her know that regardless of what the guest list says, she will be attending the party, and with a movie star in tow. At this, Queen Bee tells her minion that she needs and friend, and when her minion responds that she’ll be Blair’s friend, Queen Bee lets her know that this isn’t Dunder Mifflin, and she isn’t friends with her staff.
As Blair scurries off, Serena makes a call to Nate, who we see staring at his phone as it rings. When Tripp asks him if he needs to get it, he tells him that phone calls from Serena are on his list of things that “Are Not Important” in his life. Other things on this list include: College, Brain Cells, Condoms, and Friendship. Nate also tells Tripp that he should let Grandfather help him get ahead in the polls. Tripp tells Nate that he’d rather be a fair loser, than a dirty winner. Well…that’s one I haven’t heard before. I think I like this Tripp Vanderbilt fellow.
All of a sudden, we hear someone shout that a person is drowning! While everyone else is taking a second to figure out what the hell is happening, Tripp springs to life like Inspector fucking Gadget, and is in the water swimming this poor guy to safety before Nate can even scratch his empty noggin in confusion.
After the break we see a news reporter covering the story of Tripp’s heroic rescue mission. Grandfather is walking around the suite, giving orders to aids, and trying to milk Tripp’s heroism for all it’s worth.Nate tells Grandfather that the timing of the rescue seems a bit suspicious, but Grandfather tells him to stop being such a Donny Downer, and use the story to his advantage. Wow writers, trying to make it seem like Nate has the ability to put “two and two” together, huh? I bet he still comes out with “five” as an answer…
We see Serena walk into the suite in search of Nate. When she finds him he tells her that he doesn’t know why she’s there, and frankly after what she did, he doesn’t have anything to say to her. She asks him if there’s any possible way that they can put their differences behind them for the sake of her job, and he tells her “no”. He also tells her that “revenge is not a solid foundation for friendship.” [pic of Serena] Suddenly Tripp walks up behind them, which prompts Serena to say, “Hey Tripp! I voted for you!” Uh, no. No she didn’t. He asks her if she’s going to come to the party, and she smiles at Nate while telling him the she wouldn’t miss it for the world.
“This one is my ‘Bitch if you know what’s good for you, you best not show yourself at my party’ face.”
At the NYU coffee shop, Queen Bee and her minions are discussing Blair’s need for female companionship. When one minion asks Blair why she doesn’t seek out a friendship with Vanessa, Blair promptly tells her that she’s never heard the name “Vanessa” in her life, and that the minion can excuse herself from the table. As said minion leaves, Blair spots a girl ordering a drink that has the Valentina 360 bag; a bag that Blair has been wait listed to receive. She decides to go up and speak to the girl, and she tells her, “Believe me when I tell you that I don’t say this very often, but, I think I like you…” So true. The girl introduces herself as “Brandice”…Seriously… BRANDICE? You know what I’m sick of? Stupid names that people think are “cute” because they’re original. This is why the rest of the world laughs at America. Because we do stupid shit, like give our children names such as “Apple” or “Blanket”. Why do we do this to our own people?! The children are our future, and I don’t know about you all, but 20 years from now, I’d prefer not to have a Governor “Tu Morrow” or a President “Jermagesty Jackson”. Just sayin…
Brandice; a combination of Brandy and Candice. Origin; American.
[I'm well aware that her name could be "Brandeis" like the predominantly male Czech name meaning "dweller on a burnt clearing", but I doubt it.]
At any rate, Queen Bee asks Brandice if she would like to attend the Vanderbilt party with her, and Brandice accepts.
Over at the VD Dubs, Daddy Humphrey, Lily, Dan, Duff, and Jenny are playing Scrabble. I cannot even describe in words how completely annoyed I am by Dan in this scene, and Hilary Duff is wearing an effing flannel, like it’s some type of requirement if you want to hang out with the Humphreys. On a much happier note, Jenny is wearing no makeup in this scene (of course it’s because she’s sick, but still…) You know, Taylor Momsen is a very pretty girl. I don’t know why she’s in such a hurry to cake on all the makeup to make herself look older. She needs to enjoy her childhood, because life really doesn’t get any easier from that point on. So Jenny, stay away from the cocaine, wash your makeup off every night, and remember that sunscreen is your friend, because this is a prime example of what you don’t want to look like when you’re 23:
I like to think that every wrinkle on her face is representative of another line she just shouldn’t have done. [Oh, but if Jenny were Lindsay, wouldn't Eric totally be Samantha Ronson?!]
Back at the dorms, Vanessa is looking over the footage of Tripp’s miraculous rescue, and she realizes that the man who claimed to have fallen off the dock, really just jumped in. Surprise, surprise. We then cut to Serena, who is just all over town today, because now she’s at Patrick Roberts suite at the Bass Hotel. A shirtless Pat Roberts tells Serena that he just finished reading a script for a remake of “Leaving Las Vegas”, that the producers want to do with a younger cast. Do think that’s a dig from the writers at Penn and Chace? Probably. Anyway, Pat is completely bombed, and Serena is having quite a time trying to get his ready for the party. Ugh. What a mess.
We cut to Nate and Vanessa on some bridge overlooking the Hudson, and its all very Jason Bourne-esque.Vanessa tells him that the whole rescue incident was a set up, and that she has it all on tape. Yeah. See Nate? This is what happens when you let your 18-year-old wannabe investigative journalist ex-girlfriend film the inner workings of your family’s political campaign, which you know has various shady ongoings. He asks her if she can sit on the tape for at least the next few hours, until Tripp wins the election. Vanessa tells him that she’s not willing to sacrifice her integrity as a journalist, plus she already sold the footage to New York One. She also tells him that the person behind the entire scheme was most likely Good Old Grandfather. As Vanessa leaves, we see Nate make a call to New York One. Sneaky, sneaky…
After the commercials, we cut to the party. Blair is admired Brandice’s knowledge of political figures. While Brandice goes to speak to one of the partygoers, Queen Bee catches up with Serena. She tells her that Brandice is her new best friend, and Serena tells Blair that she has a new best friend too: Patrick. Queen Bee tells Serena that she’s pathetic, and they both walk away in a huff. As Blair is walking around the party, she spots Patrick taking a piss in one of the plants. Ha! The true mark of someone who is completely wasted.
We know for sure that he’s plastered because he can’t even walk up the stairs to the actual bathroom. Tsk, tsk.
In the suite, a woman (black! whoa, the producers are just going all out this episode!) walks up to Vanessa and asks her who she ended up selling her footage to. Vanessa tells her that she sold her footage to Carolyn Lowe and New York One, but the woman reveals that she is Carolyn Lowe. Ooh. Nate you dirty little schemer
At the VD Dubs, Dan watches the “Bathroom Boy” interview on Jenny’s computer, and rushes out. We still don’t find out exactly what “Bathroom Boy” means, so I don’t care.
Back at the party, Queen Bee finds Serena to tell her that although Serena is the Earl of Drunkland, she wasn’t able to handle Patrick, and so Bee too care of the situation herself; she sent Patrick back up to his suite. She lets Serena know that it’s Nate’s big night at Chuck’s hotel, and Serena’s plastered fake-boyfriend isn’t going to ruin it with his drunken antics.
Cut back the the VD Dubs Palace. We FINALLY learn what “Bathroom Boy” means. Apparently on their first date, Dan took a trip to the bathroom, and when he came back his shirt was on inside out.I don’t know how Dan would have achieved this, as all of his shirts are button down, but whatever.Eh…Anyway, after seeing the interview Dan rushed out, leaving Hilary with his family (which is really weird, because who wants to be left with their boyfriend’s family? Especially the Humphreys).
We cut back to the Bass Hotel, where Serena is trying to get Patrick to sober up. While’s she’s drawing a bath for him (I’ve always wanted to actually use “drawing a bath” in a sentence, by the way), he lets it slip that Blair’s new friend Brandice is actually a high class hooker. There’s no way! Blair would have spotted something if that was true, right? Hmm…now that I think about it, Blair’s best friends are Serena and Chuck, both of whom would probably be making a damn good living in the escort business, if they didn’t already have wealthy families. At any rate, armed with this leverage, Serena goes to find out whether Patrick’s accusations are true, and whether Brandice knows of any job openings.
In the campaign suite, Vanessa rushes up to Nate and demands to know how he could manipulate her like he did. She came to him first, as a friend, and would have expected the same respect. He tells her that he didn’t have a choice; he had to protect Tripp’s campaign. Oh no. We all know what happens when Nate tries to “fix” things, and sure enough, a few seconds later there’s a breaking news segment which reveals to all of New York that the entire Tripp/Rescue Mission was a set up. protect Tripp’s campaign. Despite Nate’s efforts to keep the tape a secret, Vanessa still manages to win.
Come on, this kid didn’t have to do ANYTHING except make it through a 12 hour span without fucking up, and he couldn’t even do that right!
After the break, we come back to the suite, where Nate and Tripp are commiserating about how bad the situation is. They both think that Grandfather was behind the entire hoax, so when Grandfather walks in Tripp goes a little batshit insane on him. After freaking out about his integrity and the election and whatnot, Grandfather tells him to take a deep breath and calm himself down because he wasn’t the one who set up the hoax, and there’s no way he’s going in front of a roomful of cameras and taking responsibility for something he didn’t do. Nate asks why they should believe that he wasn’t behind the entire scheme, and I’m sure everyone else is wondering the same thing, but honestly, I don’t think he was behind it. Sure, he’s a conniving, shark of a politician, but anytime he does something bad, he’s at least honest about it to the family, because he truly believes it’s for their benefit. So, if he had pulled off this hoax, he would have just owned up to it, especially to Nate and Tripp. After Grandfather and Tripp leave, Vanessa tells Nate that the guy she used to know had to a moral compass. Yeah, I don’t know if he had a moral compass, so much as he had no idea how to be manipulative…
“Okay so, you see how I leave my lips parted ever so slightly here? I call this one ‘Perplexed’.”
Back at the party, Brandice is working the crowd, when Sluterena comes up and tries to jack her client. Brandice reveals herself, by asking if Serena was also sent by the “agency” to work the party. Now that Serena has the information she needs, she’s off to gloat, no doubt. On the other side of the room, Chuck is being interviewed about the hotel, when he spots Patrick Roberts, drunk and in his boxers on top of the stairs, so he leads the interviewer away from the scene, as yet another dark-skinned male leads Patrick back to his suite. We cut to Serena and Queen Bee arguing about whether or not Brandice is a hooker. Chuck interrupts to tell them to stop their squabbling because they are at a classy event, not the Winter Formal, or a “sample sale at an outlet mall” as he puts it. Ha! Blair assures him that Brandice is not a hooker, but of course he knows better; He’s Chuck Bass, he probably has a spreadsheet with the names and information of every high class hooker from here to Thailand. He lets Queen Bee tells Serena that she’s no better than Brandice, because she’s getting paid to date Patrick, so the only prostitute there is Serena. For shame! Just because Serena gets money to date someone she finds repulsive, it doesn’t make her a hooker. However, Serena can’t contain herself after Bee says this, and she pushes her into the cake!
I love how Chuck makes absolutely no motion to help her. Exactly the reason I love him. Who wants to get icing under their freshly manicured nails?
After the break, we return to find Nate and Tripp at a press conference. Tripp has decided to take responsibility for the hoax, even though he had nothing to do with it, but Nate won’t let him. Nate gets up on the podium and tells everyone that he was behind the hoax. Gasp. Whisper. Whisper. This is actually a really good move on Nate’s part, not because he thought it through, but because absolutely nobody cares about Tripp’s idiot cousin. Nate has nothing to lose, and is probably jumping at the chance to not give himself ulcers worrying about politics that he doesn’t even understand.
“…so after this I’m really looking forward to smoking a few joints, and playing Xbox for nine straight hours. Thank you for coming, and uhh… Vote for Tripp!
In the ballroom, King Bass tells Serena that the only reason Blair is being such a bitch is because she misses her. Yup. That’s how I express my love to all my friends too. No, seriously…the more I care about you, the more I berate and beat you. If you feel like shooting yourself after we hang out, that’s how you know you’re worthy of my love. At any rate, Serena tells him that she’s tired of Blair’s games, and Chuck tells her that they aren’t kids anymore, and she can’t just push her best friend into a cake and then expect to make up on the Met steps the next day. Fair enough.
Here’s what happens at the Humphrey abode: Hilary Duff tells Dan that she’s sorry about the whole “Bathroom Boy” incident, but he lets her know that it isn’t a big deal; The only reason his shirt was on inside out was because he took it off in the bathroom to dry off his pit stains. Hmm. A likely excuse. And the reason he ran out of the VD Dubs place was because he forgot it was their one month anniversary, and he hadn’t planned anything, so he left to get something together for her. She tells him he’s amazing (LIES!) and they kiss and make up. Blah Blah Blah.
Back at the hotel…TRIPP WINS THE ELECTION! YAY! YAY FOR TRIPP! YAY FOR THE VANDERBILTS! YAY FOR NATE’S RETIREMENT FROM POLITICS! Nate a Tripp have an entire conversation that I can’t even transcribe here because it is so stupid. Nate talks about how he believes in Tripp, and how important brotherhood is, and never give up when you think you’re down. Alright Nate, this isn’t Lord of the Rings, you aren’t about to enter a fiery pit of death, and he’s not the Sam to your Frodo or whatever, so chill out.
It’s Guuuyy Love, it’s Guuuuy Loooove!
In the background we see Tripp’s wife slinking around in a bright red dress. She is up to no good, I swear.
Back in the ballroom, Serena tries to apologize to Queen Bee, but Bee is having none of it. For the first time in 18 years, Bee isn’t living in Serena’s shadow; she has a (somewhat) functional relationship, she’s attending college, and she’s making a life for herself, while Serena is delivering underwear, and dating rejects for cash. The night is finally over, and as far as Queen Bee is concerned, so is the Queen Bee/Sluterena friendship. GG does a voiceover to ask, “Who would have thought that S and B’s friendship had a term limit?” ::raises hand:: Uhm. Yeah. I would. Blair rushes out to find Brandice, and apologizes for Serena falsely accusing her of being a prostitute. Brandice tells Bee that those accusations weren’t completely untrue; she is a prostitute, but only to pay for NYU. Blair is disgusted that Brandice used her to make connections at the party, and tells her that she’s “rotten to the core”. What an amazingly stupid line.
Moving on. As Serena puts Patrick in a cab with a note telling Casey that she quits, she sees Queen Bee across the street. They look at each other, and realize how damaged their friendship is, and Queen Bee turns to go back into the hotel.
At the bar, Tripp’s wife meets up with Grandfather, and reveals that she was the one who set up the entire hoax. I knew it! I knew she was up to some secret tricks! She tells her that her plan played out perfectly; Tripp won the election, Nate is never going to try to “help out” with a campaign again, and Grandfather is out of the boys’ lives forever.
Well played, Wifey, well played.
While Mika croons over the ending montage, we see King Bass enter his room to find Blair moping on the bed. He thought she was going home, but she tells him that she’s too depressed because the only real NYU friend was a hooker.
“That’s not so bad. Some of the best friends I’ve ever had have been prostitutes.”
She tells him she doesn’t want any friends because she has him, and that’s all she needs. Big mistake. Never build your life around a man, Blair. As this is happening, we see Dan and Duff sitting on the couch at the Humphrey watching the rest of her Jimmy Fallon appearance. During the clip, Fallon says that he was a little too hard on Dan in the previous segment, so they have baked him a cake that says “Happy One Month” and they show it to the audience. This makes me want to both barf and shed a little tear, because the scene is actually really cute.
We cut to Serena having a drink at the bar. Tripp enters. Alone. I could probably stop there, and you all would get what’s going on, but I’ll recount the scene just for those of you who don’t: Tripp sits down next to Serena, and she asks him why he isn’t celebrating with his wife. He tells her that he just wants a minute to relax and enjoy the moment before everyone starts nagging him about the serious stuff. When she tells him she’ll leave, he asks her to stay. He asks her about her life, and she tells him that he probably doesn’t want to hear about the petty drama. Of course, he tells her to spill it, and that he’ll try to help her out, as his first official act as a Congressman. He orders a drink, and she begins to tell him about her problems.
“Alright Serena, here’s the deal: As soon you accept my offer to buy you a drink, I’m going to stop caring about what you say, and my immediate concern becomes how quickly I can get you up to my private suite. So we can either sit here for the next 20 minutes, and I can pretend to be interested in the fact that your flat iron broke this morning, and that you shoved your best friend into a cake, or we can forget about the formalities, and get this show on the road. How does that sound to you? Good? Good.”
You know what would be so great? If Tripp’s wife finds out about the obvious affair that is about to take place between Serena and Tripp. That bitch seems really vicious, and I can’t wait to see her take Serena DOWN!
The moral of this weeks episode: Some lines are thick, some are blurry and some are made of cocaine. However, the lines you really have to worry about are the ones that you shouldn’t cross, no matter what the case may be, and if you all didn’t already know: there’s a very thin line between love and hate.
Until next time Gasmii,