Fashiongasm – 2010 Grammys

It’s the Grammys! We can’t really take the fashion too seriously because, well, a lot of musicians dress like idiots. But that doesn’t mean it’s not still fun to watch. As usual, I’m with Ryan and Giuliana. Giuliana looks great, a million times better than she looked in that baked potato thing at the Golden Globes. Oh, and of course because it’s a Ryan Seacrest Production, that stupid Pants On The Ground guy has what seems to be his own little E! sanctioned booth, and they cut to it like every five seconds.

Our other favorite Pants on the Ground artist.

I actually miss the first few minutes of the pre-show because I’m on the phone with my Mom, who’s all settled in with her 3D glasses on the east coast and flat out refusing to believe that the Grammy telecast is not happening in real time here on the west coast. “Well, if you say so,” she finally semi-concedes, as I roll my eyes toward the television, which is clearly broadcasting the six o’ clock news. Anyway, I catch Kara DioGuardi – or who I think is Kara DioGuardi, but more on that later – who I have just recently become a fan of and she looks adorable. I love her frilly black one-shoulder dress. Her American Idol wardrobe was one embarrassing mistake after another, and it looks like she got smart and hired a stylist. I bet you it was Ryan’s idea.

The other big surprise is Kathy Griffin, who looks nearly beautiful in a gold dress. That’s right. I just said Kathy Griffin and beautiful in the same sentence. I don’t know why I’m feeling so generous tonight. Oh, wait. Now I’m getting a closer look and oh my, lots and lots of plastic surgery. We’re in Joan Rivers territory. Why, lady comedians? Maybe all those years of bad haircuts against fake brick walls.

And…closeup.

And more Pants On The Ground.

Oh, here’s the Brangelina update. Unfortunately, it’s coming from Ken Baker. He tells us he can confirm that they’re still together, because he was with them last night. Get a grip, Ken Baker. Stalking them from behind some press line is not being “with them”. He reports that they were all arms around each other and very happy together. Um, Ken? It’s called acting. They might know how a thing or two about it.

I had a valet shift last night and they totally got out of the same car.

It’s Ricky Martin! I like Ricky Martin. He’s giving the update on Haiti. Seems like the new problem is child trafficking. Oh wait, that’s not Haiti, it’s Thailand. I’m confusing this with the report I heard yesterday about a family from Iowa who were being detained on suspicion of child trafficking out of Haiti. Cause everyone knows Iowa’s the heart of the underage skin trade.

MGMT. Never heard of ‘em. Nerdy dudes in plaid suits and horn rimmed glasses. They apparently became famous on YouTube, and are most excited to see Hall & Oates. Holy crap, The Situation is at the Grammys. You have got to be kidding me.

It’s Lady Gaga! I don’t have words to describe the dress, but I know I love it. Giuliana tells us it’s “very short” in the front. I’m not worried, Lady Gaga’s far too together, she’s not going to flash us. Then we meet Carlos Santana who’s with his son who’s got a new keyboard related album. “My family loves it!” Santana Jr. tells us. Well there’s a completely unbiased review if I’ve ever heard one. Santana Sr. is suspiciously silent.

Ryan says Lady Gaga looks like a solar system, and Jay Manuel calls her “art”. Couldn’t agree more. Word on the street is that it’s Armani, but no one’s sure. I’m expecting some sick Alexander McQueen shoes like the Bad Romance video, but these looks like Louis Vuitton. Ryan’s worried that Lady Gaga will bring heat for the dress from the E! fashion police. Here’s what I have to say about that. If Khloe Kardashian hates what you’re wearing, you’ve done everything right.

Four foot tall Justin Beiber is doing Bon Jovi on Guitar Hero. “Did you even know this song?” Ryan asks him. “Yeah, he’s on my label,” replies the little fella. I kind of like this pipsqueak. Also he’s so busy with Guitar Hero he barely talks to Ryan. “I’m always on my grind,” he tells Ryan in pre-teen hip hop speak.

Then Ryan gets LL Cool J on Guitar Hero. Oh yeah, I forgot I’m doing fashion. LL looks amazing. Gorgeous and perfectly dressed. The one person who doesn’t look like a complete moron in a fedora. Hey, does anyone remember the sweatpants with one leg pushed up?

Okay, let’s talk about Imogen Heap. I have no idea who she is, but I’m guessing from the name some kind of alternative chick. Listen honey, we could tell from the name that you’re different. You didn’t need to wear a picnic basket as a necklace. Or carry a shower cap parasol. Or shave half your head. It’s not art, it’s just silly. There is no such thing as idiot chic.

Smokey Robinson. Old school, love it. He eats oatmeal for breakfast. Riveting. Then comes John Legend, who’s wearing a chain mail sweater vest. No and no. But who is his lady friend? She’s smoking hot.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand. Hmmmm. She gets on my nerves. Her dress is ugly as hell. This whole getting engaged in India after five minutes to an admitted sex addict is kind of a joke. Is this a publicity stunt? Wait, the dress is Zac Posen? I heart Zac Posen. Who doesn’t? But first Tina Fey at the Golden Globes and now this?

Usher! Another favorite. He looks fantastic, as always. He and Ryan talk about MJ. Awww. I love his sunglasses.

Heidi and Seal. I’m sorry, Heidi. I love you a lot but this dress isn’t much more flattering then the mermaid one from the Golden Globes. Her hair looks amazing, though.

Then Ryan gets the Black Eyed Peas. I don’t know it’s the Black Eyed Peas, at first I just see a strange looking guy in a space suit. Then Fergie comes over in a blue dress that’s also kind of futuristic, but really cool. They’re really lucky to have her. It’s pretty much a charitable contribution on her part. An awkward convo between the nobody Peas and hottie Josh Duhamel ensues.

Keri Hilson! Loves her. She’s so gorgeous and talented. She looks beyond amazing in a D&G dress with a sparkly belt and a little mermaid bottom. I have a girl crush.

Okay, and now we have a problem. Here’s Kara DioGuardi. Huh? What happened to the Kara DioGuadi in the cute one shoulder, black ruffled cocktail dress? Who is this Kara DioGuardi in an orange and gold number that my Barbie wore in the early eighties? So, turns out the cute black ruffly dress belonged to Leah Michelle. Well played Glee, I totally want your dress.

Maxwell! Ryan tells us he makes the ladies melt. Oh, yes. Loooooooove Maxwell. If I have any straight gentlemen readers, take notes. Maxwell is foolproof. He looks so handsome, a little retro and super sweet and humble. Then there’s Jennifer Hudson. My Mom told me that she lost a ton of weight and looks like a different person. And she does look great. She looks old for her age but then I think about things and I guess she is old for her age. She’s in on the MJ performance too. Easy to forget, but Ryan knows J Hud her from way back in the day. She’s an Idol success story, which I love.

Then comes Pink and her husband. Are they married? Yes, they are. They’re sweet. Her dress has a lot of stuff on it, but she looks like Pink, and it works. I like Mary J. Blige’s dress, but it’s a couple of sizes too small. She doesn’t know what to say about the whole Pants On The Ground thing. Ryan, of Ryan Seacrest Productions, can not let it go.

Carrie Underwood, so pretty. The dress is a little ugly / weird, but she’s so generic that it’s kind of nice to see her doing something strange.

Wyclef Jean looks nice in a pin striped suit. He fills us in on the 25th anniversary remake of We Are The World. I know it’s a good cause, and I know Quincy Jones and Lionel Ritchie are in charge, but I still think they’re going to ruin it. Jamie Foxx brought his daughters. It’s adorable. Insert lame joke about how Jamie Foxx’s kids can get away with pretty much whatever they want if they blame it on the al-al-al-al-cohol.

Miley Cyrus. I don’t care what she’s wearing, she always looks cheap to me. But I do like her mini dress, gladiator sandals and lots of jewelry. Then comes Keith Urban and the mummified Nicole Kidman. Although I love her Prada.

Taylor Swift. Cutie. I like her sparkly blue gown, but I’m not in love with the square cutout in the neckline. I am, however, in love with her earrings. She says she has a surprise in her performance. It better not be Kanye. Giuliana gets Kings of Leon. Great band, nothing to look at.

Here comes Beyonce. Her dress looks like it has hieroglyphics carved into it. It’s pretty cool. She lets Jay Manuel direct her on the 360 degrees camera. Beyonce’s a class act. “OMG, Ryan aren’t you dying over Beyonce?” Jay Manuel screeches. “Ummm…it’s hot,” says Ryan.

Ryan and Slash! The most interesting thing here is that Ryan’s taller than Slash. Giuliana has Ke$ha and her Ziggy Stardust eye makeup. She looks like she always does, glittery and dirty. Then comes boring old Sheryl Crow in a boring old brown dress. No paparazzi in Tennessee, she drones. Thank you, Sheryl Crow. Way to keep the music biz dull.

But then it’s a mad flurry of activity near Ryan! A huge entourage of craziness and that can only mean one thing – Britney! But first comes Ne-Yo. Gorgeous and a snappy dresser. And then comes Lionel Ritchie. Ryan and Lionel are good friends, he’s on the morning show all the time. More We Are The World Talk, and Lionel says it’s “totally new”. I’m getting really nervous about this. But oooooh, Rihanna’s a white, feathery ice princess. Loves it, but could live without all the draping around the hips.

And finally, late arrivals the Jonas Brothers. Their stylist deserves an award. Wait, no Britney? I’m so disappointed.

So, that was the pre-show. The final verdict? Best dressed, Lady Gaga. Worst…come on, it’s the Grammys. Love…