Recap: And the Tony goes to…

Um, spoiler alert for the above picture. So I gotta take back everything I said last week about not caring who won or lost, because I was really anxious (at points) during Sunday’s finale. Of course, it was an hour long for no reason other than to fit in more video montages which I could have done without, but I’m happy with the outcome, so I can’t complain too much. Ryan Seacrest welcomes us to the grand finale. Opening the show are the “Past, Present and Future” Dannys and Sandys singing “We Go Together.” Remember how they did this on the second live show? Yeah, this routine is almost exactly the same, save a few spots to feature the four finalists. And it’s all the ol’ favorites. Hey there’s Kate and Kathleen! Oh, and The Chin, how I’ve missed you. Ashley Anderson is so happy to be on TV again while Matt Nolan looks as petrified as ever. Aw, he’s trying so hard.

This sucks for Allie and Derek who were just cut last week and probably didn’t have a chance to go home and cry about it before the show was like, “Yeah, no. We own you.”

Ryan Seacrest promises us a dramatic night. It’s kind of true, though mostly I was excited because I heard the rest of the Broadway cast was performing. Finally! Some talent! Cat reminds the panel of their powerlessness. What a bitch.

David Ian, however, reminds us that he finds any of these four suitable since they weeded out all the horrible people (ahemMattNolanahem.) And while I agree with David Ian that Austin gives off a Tom Cruise vibe, I don’t think we mean it in the same way. David Ian continues the movie star analogy, saying that if Austin is Tom Cruise, then Max is Ben Stiller: quirky, funny, and loaded with heart. I don’t know if I’d really call any of Ben Stiller’s movies “loaded with heart.” Loaded with poo, yes. Heart, not so much.

Jim Jacobs compares the girls, saying that Ashley is more like the Sandy at the end, while Laura is more fitting for Sandy during the rest of the show. That’s kind of a backhanded way of calling Ashley a slut, which, you wish, Jim Jacobs.

Kathleen thinks Ashley is pretty, but comes across as “goddess-like” and out of reach while Laura is more down-to-earth and accessible. Ryan promises more performances from the “fantastic four” after the break, but of course there is just more video filler. WHY? Why did they have to make this finale episode an hour long? All this footage was pretty boring to watch the first time around and does not improve on repeat viewing.

Seriously, we’re going back to the original auditions. I barely care about these four, much less all these uggos who didn’t even make it this far. There were horrible, clueless people, and there were some people who belt really loud who make it to Grease Academy, aka the TOUGHEST! AUDITION! EVER! There were actors and thus there were tears. Those were winnowed down to the final twelve who got to perform for such illustrious personalities as Olivia Newton-John, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Rob Marshall. Wow. What a journey.

Interestingly, right out of Grease Academy Kathleen would have cast Juliana and Derek. Well good thing AMERICA saved you from yourself, Kathleen Marhsall, or you’d be stuck with the Cracker.

People were eliminated and the pressure built week by week. More tears! Derek cracked under the pressure and we got our final four: Max, Austin, Ashley and Laura. They’re all excited and anxious. Well relax kids, you’ve got another 48 minutes or so to wait. Btw, I think Austin’s superfan is back tonight, screaming her head off. She’s not as close to a microphone so it’s not as obvious, but after the video you can definitely hear her over Ryan Seacrest’s blathering.

Finally tonight we see “You’re the One that I Want” performed by the contestants! Just the final four. And as skinny as these two girls have gotten over the run of this show, those stupid pants still look awful. Girls, it’s the pants. Please have a cookie.

What is this being they call “woman?”

Cat Deeley is over powered by the roaring of the crowd as she asks for the judges’ comments. Kathleen Marshall makes the clunkiest reference to March Madness and the Final Four, it’s embarrassing. Seriously, who is writing this? Jim Jacobs acknowledges that they’ve basically been tortured on TV for the past 5 or 6 weeks. It’s funny how regularly people submit themselves for torture on TV for my amusement. Coming up after the break – more video filler and another performance from the losers!

When we come back Ryan Seacrest is sitting in the audience with the four. Max lies and says this is as good as winning. Um, I think actually winning is better. Laura comments on having to wait a week to find out the results, and yeah, that must have been nerve-wracking. But it gave more rehearsal time for production numbers, like this one from all the eliminated Dannys and Sandys.

And once again, they are doing the exact same routine to “The Hand Jive” that was performed a few weeks ago. I remember mocking Jason Celaya for doing that “plow” move before. And boy howdy, can that boy shimmy his shoulders. Honestly, I’d kind of already forgotten Allie since last week, but here she is front and center with her manic eyes in place of actual acting. Whoa, what was that camera move? Fancy!

Upon returning from commercials, Billy tells he will soon announce the winning Sandy. But first – video filler. BORING! Ashley wore a lot of green. Her first audition didn’t go so well, but they let her sing again because she’s pretty. They made a big deal about how much she looks like the ideal Sandy, while she wished they would focus on her talent. Also, her eyes look blue at Grease Academy. Has she been wearing colored contacts ever since she was assigned green as her color?

Cat Deeley interview’s Ashley’s boring parents who only get one mike between the two of them. Budget. Ashley’s mom’s favorite performance was her duet with Max because she’s totally a Slacker Backer.

Laura’s video filler. Two months ago she was playing Sandy in Minnesota, and she could be on Broadway this summer! Aw cute, they even have footage of her from the line. So, she was basically meant to be Sandy from the start. Laura found it hard to stand out at Grease Academy, but shined at the showcase and made it through to the final twelve. She struggled duing the first week of live shows, but after her “Jesus Christ Superstar” performance, she was consistently in the top.

Cat interviews Laura’s finacee who is totally cute and so proud. He can’t wait to marry her and do eeeet. (Seriously, have you seen Engaged and Underaged on MTV? Everyone on that show is either getting married to do it for the first time or because they did it and the girl’s now pregnant. All about the sex.)

It’s the MOMENT OF TRUTH. The actual reveal was too suspenseful for words so I present to you the following sequence of pictures:

“And Sandy is…”

“Laura!”

“Bitch.”

That’s basically how it went down. You get a little of it in this picture, but they set off some pyrotechnics that I really thought were going to burn that stage to the ground. Good thing it didn’t. Wouldn’t want to lose the talent that is Jim Jacobs.

Ashely, go run along and change for the next number where you sing back-up! To prove Laura’s actually got the part, Ryan Seacrest show’s a billboard in Times Square lit up with her name. Now if this were American Idol, Fox would have filled Times Square with a bizillion people who would cheer when that lit up, but NBC didn’t and it just serves as a reminder that barely anyone cares. People are just going about their business in Times Square. I don’t think anyone there even noticed.

So who will join Laura on opening night? Well we all know it’ll be one of these boys: Austin from Texas, or Max from Arizona. Southwestern US in da house! Let’s look at Austin’s amazing journey.

Austin was nervous from his first audition because he has years of performing experience and what if he doesn’t make it on national TV? Link Larkin from Hairspray can’t not make it on! Dude, whatever, you played him in Vegas. You, sir, are no Matthew Morrison, don’t even try. He found Grease Academy exhausting, though he knew all along that he was one of the best. Even though he was a front-runner, the judges continued to challenge him. Austin rose to the occasion with “Ease on Down the Road.” Not so much with “Fun, Fun, Fun.” Austin’s totally a cocky bastard and wasn’t worried about being sent home when he was in the bottom two. Kathleen Marshall calls him manly and I chuckle a little.

And his totally wacky opposite Max was thought of as a Doody at the beginning instead of a Danny because he had long hair and the judges have no imagination. He’s been an underdog. AN UNDERDOG WITH BELL’S PALSY, that is. I forgot how close the panel was to cutting Max in favor of Matt Nolan at Grease Academy. It is so ridiculous they even considered that. Once he cut his hair it was smooth sailing. The judges like his acting and have continued to “back the talent.”

Cat interviews Austin’s grandma who cries and that’s pretty much all I got out of that. Max’s little brother is there and adorable as ever. Cat asks him to marry her and the six-year old totally shoots her down. LOL, Jack!

Once again, too suspenseful for words:

“And Danny is…”

“Max!”

“Please get off my stage.”

Max’s name is also flashed on a billboard in Times Square. Huzzah! My favorites won! Oh burn, Austin had to go from losing to singing backup in like 30 seconds.

Even though I can’t hear Max’s first verse. I’m still excited to see him on stage! Aw, and look it’s Laura as Sandy! Like we didn’t just hear “Hopelessly Devoted” last week. Whatevs, this show was never about the girls.

One more group number: “Summer Lovin’” which I know realize we hadn’t heard this yet. Wait, who are these people NOT in poodle skirts coming down the stairs? Oh it’s the rest of the Braodway cast! Woo hoo!

OFF THE STAGE AMATEURS! First impressions: Apparently the whole revival is going to be color-coded. Roger is orange and looks like he’ll be hilarious or really annoying. Same goes for yellow Jan. Marty and Frenchie both look over forty and Kenicke is like 60 years old. Rizzo looks fantastic. I much prefer a Stockard Channing-esque Rizzo to the Rosie O’Donnell interpretation.

Seriously, is that Kim Cattrall as Marty?

Some of those pros, namely Rizzo, look like they’re ready to kill these noobs already. Gotta say, can’t wait to see Grease on Broadway. Well, it’s been a pretty boring journey, but I’m glad for it, if for no other reason than I got to join the TVgasm family and was introduced to my future husband, Max. I’m in New York City, so I’m definitely going to see this on the Great White Way and you can all look forward to a report! It’s been rizzle!