***Please welcome your newest recapper to the fold with Great American Road Trip, TyrahNahSaurus!
Seven families from divergent backgrounds will take the journey of a “lifetime”. In mobile homes. Dreamy, no? The families will travel through large and small cities, while competing in a series of challenges that will lead one family to returning home with a dream prize…A new family! Kidding, but that would be awesome.
Nothing makes you wanna walk this stretch like spending time cramped up with your family.
Hello gasmii! It’s really cool to recap on a website that I visit religiously. Now that I got that Oh-my-god-thank-you-for-this-opportunity shit out of the way, let’s get this recap started!
We start are show with our host Reno Collier. Do you know who he is? Me neither. Let’s move on!
In the opening montage, Reno describes the American countryside. I find this very informative because…well…I’m not from your beloved country. I’ll give you a clue: we live in igloos and we have no running water. Hate if you must, but there must be one American out there who might not know that the US of A has prairies. Hooray for ignorance!
The show begins in Chicago Illinois at the Wrigley field stadium, the starting point of the road trip. We get to meet the families!!!!
We first meet the Pollard family. The Pollard family? Are hicks. I’m not just saying that because of the music playing in the background, and I’m not saying that because Mama Pollard looks like hick-trash with her one dollar makeup buttered on her face.
I’m not even calling them hicks because of the way they greet us in their family interview…with hunting guns!!!
Nope! Not hicks at all!!!
It’s not because they’re from Alabama or because they have a rooster in their backyard. I’m calling them hicks because, well, they’re hicks and there’s just no other way around it. Mama Pollard tells us that they are a country family to which I respond: “Hicks.” They have a friggin gun collection and their youngest daughter already has her own, albeit pink, gun which begs me to ask:WHY ARE PEOPLE GIVING JOE JACKSON SHIT? Too soon? Their son tells us that they’re a city-ish family but that they aren’t hardcore rednecks. You know, I really wanted to call you guys rednecks but I thought I’d be pushing it. Since you insist, I’ll call you the Redneck family. Again, not my idea!
The next family is the Ricos. Erica Rico tells us that her husband Ricardo is adventurous and blah blah blah! I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too busy staring at her rack. I’m assuming they’re implants but for a mama of two kids, she’s doing well for herself. Mama Redneck, take notes.
And they don’t sag…
The next family is the Disalvatores. Silvio, the father of the family, tells us that as long as he has electricity, a brush and a mirror he’s happy. It’s needless to say that the Disalvatores are city-slickers. I guess homeboy didn’t get the message that this show isn’t The Rock of Love. His wife tells us that handling him is like handling another child. We get a montage of her yelling about nothing at all. Lady, handling you is like handling broken glass. Amy claims that they are a typical New-York family, which apparently means overbearing, materialistic, loud and dysfunctional. Gotcha! I’ll advise everyone from my igloo to stay away from New-York.
Out comes the Faverey family. They’re actually the only family that wants to do this trip for the experience and the cash rather than for some air time. You’re my faves Faves so don’t disappoint me.
The Montgomery’s are up next. Their interview is intense especially for a dinky show like this one. They’re talking about beating the competition while there’s a montage of the family shooting hoops and actually nailing their shots. Papa Mont tells us that they’ve lost some time together because of his time in the army so this trip will be a way for the family to reconnect.
We the BEST!
The next family is the Cootes family from Lockport Illinois. We don’t necessarily meet the family but we meet their annoying son Jack. His mother tells us that lil Jack loves the attention. Lil Jack waits no time either. He shows us his trophies and then tells us, in this strangely deep and raspy voice, that people will find his family funny, weird, competitive and annoying. Done done, done and done!!!
Our last attention whores are the Katzenbergs. The minute the father steps out, I know that this is a snooty rich family. They claim to be outgoing and they cannot wait to share this experience with the other families. Yes, once you come down your ivory tower to roam with the peasants, it’s an experience. In your La-la land, the economic recession might also be a farce…joke is a peasant word. Save the bullshit!
Yes, shitting in a portal bathroom is an…”expÃ©rience” as they say en franÃ§ais!
Reno tells us that the road trip begins in Chicago and ends in California. The families must drive all the way down route 66 to get to their final destination. They will be competing in challenges along the way (d’uh!). The last family goes home with 100 000$. A 100 000 dollars is not too shabby. It’s good money for the kids for college; hair implant for Sylvio; and, a personality for Mama Rich Hyleri…or a new name for that matter. I suggest you hang-out with the Girlicious crew. They need a new member and you happened to have a misspelled common name. BFFs for life!
Sylvio tells us that he was elated. He may claim that he was “elated” about the news of a trip but he and I both know that he’s doing it for the money. I just wish that people would stop sugar-coating their intentions. I don’t know anyone who would willingly take a televised road trip just for fun! Television plus mass viewership equals money so please stop bullshitting Sylvio.
Reno tells us that this trip is not a race or about the destinations; this trip is really about the families. Dude, just say it…it’s also about you paying attention-whores to degrade themselves on national TV. Why can’t we tell it like it is? And since we are on that same subject, Reno…you’re FAT! There I said it. Plus I have a bunch of RV and fat jokes lined up and I’m not holding back.
WATCH-OUT, THAT RV IS MOVING BY ITSELF…oh wait…wait…its just Reno
The families run out of the stadium to see the pieces of shit they will be driving for the entire duration of their “experience”. These are the ugliest machinations I have ever seen in my life. Yuck, and the colors don’t match. Thanks EL MONTE Rental!
Papa Faves, Lenny, tells us that he’s a doorman in New-York city so it’s hard for the family to take any trips. Mama Faves tells us that they live pay-check to pay-check so they can’t afford to rent an RV and travel. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY! That’s why you’re my favourite family so far. (Yes I wrote favourite! Again…that’s how we write it in igloo land).
The families run to their RVs. I’m not impressed. Mama redneck tells us that their RV is the coolest because it has an Alabama vibe to it. Fair enough!
Take out the W for an H
We skip to the Rich’s RV. The Rich have a coffee maker and some stupid “believe” sign. Wait, did you see Mama Rich’s ring?
Mama Rich doesn’t shy away either. She bluntly asks her future husband how much carat there is on her ring. He pauses, swallows his saliva and tells us it’s a 7 carat ring. Arm and legs for that ring hum? I bet you she didn’t want anything less did she? Are you regretting it? Was it worth it? Rich bitch goes on to tell us that they’ve been to Europe but they are not high maintenance. I’d like to see you say that in a potato bag dress and plastic bag shoes.
You don’t need the money!!!!! If you want the “experience” watch Earl!
The families are ready to go and all of them start their engine…well except for the New-Yorkers. The most annoying wife on the face of the earth insists on driving. Talk about emasculating a man. She refuses to tell him how to start the engine. Then you wonder why he brushes his hair and spends his time in the mirror. Sylvio doesn’t know how to start the RV. His inaptitude blocks the rest of the RVs’ behind him. Worst of all, Sylvi’a’ doesn’t know how to turn off the blinkers of the RV. Amy who should really be named Allen, gets up and flickers this button which allows Sylvia to start his car. I’m assuming that the RV was on “park”.
After all the commotion, the RVs finally drive into the city to make their way to Springfield. Along the way, the rednecks are amazed at the tallness of the buildings. Again, I’m not calling them rednecks purely because they fit the stereotype but…c’mon it’s too easy right now!
The RVs finally reach route 66 ridden. The route stretches across the American prairies. SNOOZE! There’s nothing worse than looking at an empty field.
Back to the RVs, with no surprise, Mommy Allen is now driving the New Yorkers to their destination. Sylvia, like the woman that he is, yaps about being a city guy in the mountains. Then this happens:
…WTF did you say Dad?
He quickly corrects himself and says that everything just looks the same. It’s the prairies!! You see a couple of animals once every 2 hours.
Soon after, out of nowhere, Sylvia whines that he wants to drive. We also have prairies where I am and a trip of this sort is long and sometimes tiring. You can literally fall asleep on the wheel. Sylvia, I don’t think you’re the best candidate for the drive. But it also turns out that Allen is a terrible driver. She’s lane swerving and the Ricos conclude that they must drive away from her. I’ll give the New-Yorkers the benefit of the doubt. When you don’t need a car, driving one is a b-i-t-c-h!
Ricardo jokes that Sylvia is brushing his hair as he’s driving which would explain the incessant swerving. No, Papa Rico! The man of the family, Allen, is driving. But the real cause of all this swerving is explained when we get back to the New-Yorker’s RV. Sylvia incessant need to tape his
husband wife is making the RV swerve in the middle of two lanes. Oye!
The Rich are already talking smack saying that they are in better shape than the rest of the families. Mama Rich avoids the real reasons she’s convinced that they are in better shape but I’ll let you know why…it’s because they are rich! This trip is just some activity. There’s no real need for them to be on this show unless they’re trying to recover from their lost
savings in the Maddoff Ponzi scheme. But no, she pulls out the vilest reason of them all. She claims that because they are educated, they stand a better chance to win. Yes, Bush was “educated” and he still fucked up his country and the rest of the whole world!
Papa Rich decides that he won’t follow the pack. He’s just going to speed his way to the destination. You might be educated but you happen to be deaf. What part of “this is not a race” did you not understand?
Bye Bye Peasants
The Cootes and the Rich family start passing the Faves. Papa Lenny doesn’t want to pass any of the cars BECAUSE HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THAT IT IS NOT A RACE! No education required! No, I’m sugar-coating this! He’s actually not speeding because he cracks under pressure.
All of the families are finally at the Springfield state fair where they get to know each other and rest. There was an immediate “connection”…well until linguistic disparities stepped in. Sylvia who was sitting at another table, gets called out by Mama Redneck for being anti-social. Of course she doesn’t say it that way (there is no way she would…again, not
because she’s a makeup ridden, gun tooting, whore-hick).
The lingual disparities within your country come into play when both idiots can’t seem to understand each other. When Sylvia gets up to sit next to Mama Redneck, he explains that he didn’t want to sit at her table because he (sic) “didn’t want to bother yous“. I’m a foreigner and I understood that.
Sylvia used “yous” which would be “y’all” for Mama Redneck; but, stubborn as he is, Sylvia “corrects” her by saying “yous”. Who gives a shit!? Both of you are wrong and you’re looking increasingly stupid trying to correct one another by saying the wrong thing.
In my country we say SHUT THE FUCK UP!
There’s bonding and blah blah blah!!!
The next day, Allen, the man of the house, is the one clearing out human waste out of their RV while Sylvia gets a tan. Sylvia explains that he’s taking care of number one. Yes, he’s taking care of his own shit: himself! Allen, the minute you effeminate your man, prepare to do all the work…but I guess you already figured that out.
Competition time!!!!!!!!!!! Each week, the families will have 2 competitions. The first competition is the “King of the Road” competition. The winners of the “King of the Road” gets a reward. The three sucky families will be sent to the “End of the Road” competition. The losing family in the “End of the Road” challenge are eliminated from the trip.
In today’s competition, the families must get as many vote pallets through the obstacle race and into the bucket at the end of the course to win the competition. The ballots are eligible as long as they are not stuffed in one person shirt or pants.
The obstacles are really dinky. There’s a reflecting pool, the thorny rose garden, the cabinet, and the red tape as obstacles. The twist? Each family will be walking around with the heads of some American presidents. The rednecks get George Bush (it’s as if this show is giving me material). Mama redneck is a bushie…no surprise there! I thought they would give the Obama head to the Montgomery’s but the Rich got it instead. Why are they excited? The Obama tax plan wasn’t favoring their rich ass. I’m assuming they must not have read that part in Obama’s platform.
The competition begins and all families except for the Cooties run towards the first obstacle. The Cooties think its best to stack up as many votes as they can and then run to the end. While the Cootes are strategically rapping the other families, the Rich finish the race first. The Rich probably didn’t hear that they need the most vote pallets to win the competition. Aww, educated people!
The Cootes are the last to arrive with 15 seconds left to the end of the competition. The Cootes family CLEARLY used their shirt to carry the vote pallets. However, Allen, because she’s the most annoying wife in the world, makes a little scene and calls the Cootes family cheaters for CLEARLY using their shirt to hold the pallets.
Reno, who is just as annoyed as I am, steps in. The rule was that you couldn’t stuff anything in your pants or in your shirt making the Cootes the winners of the competition. Allen starts apologizing until the Cootes get all “in your face”. Look, she was man enough to apologize. The fact that you’re making her feel like dirt for an honest mistake, particularly you Mama Cootes, is shameful. The Cootes reward is a special dinner on the Mississippi river…yes you read it correctly, on the Mississippi river. The three families who will compete in the “end of the road” competition are the Montgomery, the Faves and the Rich (<----- HAHAHAHHAHA!).
After the competition, the Rich are discussing their loss in their RV. Daughter Sami explains to her family that they went in that competition “big headed and cocky”. Tis true! But the family isn’t having it because delusion is better than reality. I’m pretty sure these people think that poverty is a myth too.
The Faves are having internal troubles. The issue: Gummy worms. Ashley does not want to share her gummy worms. I wouldn’t either. Those things are del-i-cious and half a bag isn’t good enough. You have to have to whole damn thing. Ashley badly wants her gummy worms so she starts having a fit and making a scene. Lenny laughs it off but I can’t help to think about how lucky this girl is that she didn’t have my mom as a mother.
Later in the day, the RVs park at this random parking spot for the rest break. Allen “coincidentally” parks right next to the Cootes. Mama Cootes had a feeling Allen’s dumbass would apologize again and lo and behold she apologizes once more. She claims that she wanted to be the bigger person in this situation. You would have been the bigger person if you didn’t say anything.
If you were a man, you wouldn’t appologize
The Cootes don’t buy it. Me neither if you’re being called a cheater but I have stated previously that people will pick whatever they want to hear. Educated or not.
Later in the day, the mayor of Madison Illinois arrives in a fire truck to take the Cootes family to a dinner over the Mississippi river. The fire truck takes them to the middle of this bridge over the Mississippi river. I never knew that there was a bridge that went over the Mississippi river. How interesting. Over dinner, the Cootes decide to call themselves the fantastic four…how about I call you the Cooties!!! Fantastic is a bit too cocky for my taste.
The RVs are back on the road again for the “End of the Road” competition. All the families head to the famous gateway Arch at St-Louis Missouri where the competition will take place. The competition requires each family to roll a big ball under five arches before getting to the final arch which is the finish line. The family with the worse time will be eliminated from the trip.
To make it more difficult, Reno claims, one person in the family must be in the ball…ya, whatever Reno. I got a good competition idea. Pushing your large ass under every arch!
CAREFUL GUYS THERE’S AN RV COMING $%##$@@!!!!!!GET OUT OF THE WAY…oh…wait…wait…its just Reno.
The ball is also tethered to a rope. There’s enough rope to get to the end which inherently means that there’s only one correct way to get to the end. So this competition isn’t only physical but mental.
The Faves start first. The family is just all over the place. At some point the rope gets wrapped around the ball. In another instance, the ball hits the arch. Then they started pulling the ball with the rope and…then they…well, I’ll let the picture speak for me.
Near the very end they realize that they don’t have enough rope. Dylan, the baby boy Faves, starts yelling and his mom starts yelling…its…it’s really just a mess. They realize they have to go back because the rope was twisted and they weren’t going the right way. The family finally regroups and finishes the competition in 15 minutes and 52 seconds. Ouch!
The Rich are up next. They try another technique which I call the zigzag. Everything seems great for the family until they get to the last arch. They don’t have enough rope and just like bulls, they try to ram the ball past the arch. The ball isn’t going through… I guess they didn’t hear Reno say that there’s only one way of winning this competition.
Education: listening to whatever you want to hear.
Even at the 31st minute, they still haven’t figured out that ramming the ball isn’t going to work. When they finally finish, Reno tells the Rich that it took them 41 minutes and 51 seconds to complete the challenge. EPIC FAIL! The Faves are safe!
The Montgomery’s are up next and they waste no time. They rape the competition. I take back EVERYTHING I said… You, the family Montgomery, get my respect.
Respect: When you talk and you can back it up.
It took them 2 minutes and 24 seconds and that’s only because their son listened in his geometry class. Good for them! At the realization of their complete failure, the Rich family “laughs” it off. Back to your Ivory tower. I hope you liked the “experience”.
The Rich family gets a good bye interview. The kids talk about kids stuff. Papa Rich calls it a bonding experience. Mama Rich, who never seems to surprise me, talks about her wedding dress that’s at home. Reno didn’t ask you about your wedding dress but I guess you didn’t hear the question. She claims that God kicked her out of this road trip because he wanted her to go plan her wedding. No Madame, he had nothing to do with your departure. You just suck!