The Great American Road Trip: It’s just emotions taking me over…

Previously on The Great American Road Trip the Cooties won (AGAIN!!!! ARGH!!!) and the Ricos went home. Also, Mama Redneck regressed into this child-like creature when she refused to congratulate the Faves on their sub par performance at the “End of the Road” challenge. Mama Faves did what any mother would do with a child: let her have her hissy fit.

We’re back in Texas where everything is apparently supersized. My friends, I have to see it to believe it wink wink! The families are now half way in their extremely long and somewhat boring road trip.

Mama Cooties is happy that her family made this far. Lady, your arrogant-ass knew your family was going to be at least top five in this competition. Let’s be real, it’s not like you’ve had any competition per se. Your family only “lost” when the Rednecks won the talent show by hick-default. It’s pretty safe to say that you got this one in the bag. The Cooties annoy me and it’s not because they’re raping the competition; it’s really because they’re really arrogant about it and arrogance doesn’t get you too far. Just ask Kanye West and Axl Rose.

She says that she hopes her family makes it to the end. “Its not about the money” she says, “it’s more about winning”. BULLSHIT! People love to win because they know they gain something at the end. It could very well be pride but in this trip, there’s 100 000$ on the line. “Oh, we don’t really want the grill or go to the premier of that movie we know nothing about; we really just want to shamefully brag about every of our wins”. If you want to win so badly, play Sudoku.

The Faves clumsily get back on the road. Clumsily because all of their cabinets swing open as Lenny drives this terrible machination we call an RV on the lifeless highway. Lenny is happy that his family made it this far. Ya…I’m actually surprise you’re even in this competition given that you had like 9 lives. Mama Faves says that they get better as they move on (hahahahah….riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight) but she gets very sad when a family gets eliminated. Mama Faves admits that she loved the Ricos and seeing them leave was…heartbreaking (???). It was so heartbreaking that Mama Faves starts…crying???? Really? Last time I checked there was a clear division between the families and you weren’t in their half…unless your one of those people who wants to be friends with everybody. She kind of reminds me of those girls in high schools who were clearly not popular but would mimic or copy the popular people’s moves, manners, words and actions. But when it really boiled down to it, none of the popular people gave a slight eff about them.

Mama Faves tells us that they aren’t rich so the experience gives them time to bond as a family. Yes bonding but it’s also about the money or else you wouldn’t have brought up the fact that your family is broke! Just saying…

Back in the Faves RV, out of no where, Mama Faves who was whipping her tears earlier, runs with her tears-soaked shirt towards the windows and yells out to the kids to take out the cameras. What?? Is it a UFO? Is Elizabeth Hasselbeck is finally kicked off The View? John Travolta is a Catholic? No! It’s effing cows. I’m finding it very hard to like the Faves now.

The families finally arrive at Mid Point Café in Adrian, Texas. It’s literally the half way point between Chicago and California. OMG…I’m half way done recapping this stupid show! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Hooray…Mama Redneck gimme a kiss!!!

The café is a gazillion years old. Who greets the families to the Café? John Travolta himself. He really was in that field with those cows after abducting that metro in Pelham 123. I saw the movie…I’m not a fan! No, it’s actually Reno. All the families are convinced that this is a “King of the Road” challenge. Reno fends off the “King of the Road” allegations by saying that he likes pie. Ya…yaaaaaaaaaa, too easy!!! So burgers, steak and pie…what else Rennie?? The kids are actually more anxious than their folks. Reno isn’t the grim reaper so y’all can relax.

It’s not a challenge; it’s a pie eating contest. The families have to watch Reno eat all those pies without regurgitating. The last family standing wins. I kid and this is the last Reno-fat joke I’m making for the entire recap promise. Each family has to eat half a pie. The kicker? No hands allowed. All of it seems to excite the Mont boys. Kids really do grow up really fast…

What do the winners get? A shopping spree in the café’s souvenir shop. I don’t think you can go from a movie premier and a barbecue to a souvenir shopping-spree. What gives? It’s as bad as giving someone a gift card on their birthday: you didn’t care so you just got whatever you think your friend may want without having to purchase it. Ashley tells us, in this very thick New-Yorker accent, that she wants some souvenirs. I think that clip was a way to justify this shitty reward but oh wells! I have to say though, a child talking in a New-Yorker accent is so adorable. She sounds like a little mafioso.

Reno serves the pie. Blake and I agree that those pies were way too big. Blake also tells us that they smelled funny. Kids don’t lie because the pies look gross. I prefer apple pie so that might be why I have some reservations to the ones they were serving at the café. The no-hands pie contest throws me off too. If I don’t eat a pie with a fork, it loses its “yum and awwww yes” factor.

The families have 10 minutes to eat half of the pie. I wonder what their strategy will be. Will they pass the pie around like a joint? Or will one person eat until he or she is full?

The competition begins and the Rednecks pass the pie around. The Monts who are always way too competitive at the wrong challenges, decide to draw a line in the pie before eating it. It’s only for fucking souvenirs guys; hold your effing horses! Why can’t you guys put your efforts in challenges that will actually get you a descent prize or that will keep you away from the “End of the Road” challenge? Papa Monts draws a line in the pie with his tongue so that they only eat one half of it. When competition calls, sanitary precautions are out the window for the Monts. Again, this is a dinky challenge give it up.

I guess I’m in the same line of thought as the Disalvatore because none of them want to put their faces in the pie. Allen is the only one eating it. Sylvia isn’t doing it because he doesn’t want to get his hair dirty. Sylvia explains in his confessional that he nibbled the pie so that his hair and tan wouldn’t come off. Metrosexuality is dead Sylvia! I thought we were on the same train of thought: as in, this whole competition is disgusting for sanitary reasons not for cosmetic ones. It won’t tamper your nose job princess promise.

Mama Faves, as she’s eating, spits back the pie from her mouth in the “communal” pie. DISGUSTING! Mama Mont isn’t doing any better. She has some pie in her nose. Does anybody want a mucus-saliva-earwax-blueberry pie? It sounds delish!

Times up…finally!!! I nearly threw up! The winner of the shopping spree is…The Monts! The competitiveness paid off…at the wrong challenge. The other families really weren’t into it and half of the kids didn’t participate. The Monts, take a hint: this competition wasn’t worth shit! When kids don’t feel that their precious faces should be dipped in a pie, it could very well mean that this thing isn’t as important. It could also mean that our society is made up of a bunch of germ-aphobe. The children are our future remember? Ultimately, the Monts won a caca challenge. It’s a 200$ souvenir shopping spree…hooray?? The Monts thank the lord for it too. God probably received your prayer on his celestial cell phone and he let it go to his heavenly answering machine much like he does to mine. No worries, it’s not “personal”!

The families are back in the RV and heading to Albuquerque, New Mexico. It’s a LONG drive. They will camp out at the balloon Fiesta Park and ssssssssnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooozzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeee! Ashley Faves gets really excited when they get to New Mexico. Is there something I’m missing here? What’s so great about New Mexico? It clearly ripped off the name of an existing country.

In the Cooties’ RV, Jake Cootie is talking about something but I really can’t understand him. He has a raspy-smoker voice and it’s hard to believe that a deep and raspy sound can come out of this little man’s body. When he hits his teenage years and his balls finally drop, his voice will have a Don Lafontaine-esque deepness to it with a Lindsay Lohan-like raspiness. If so…good luck little one!

Back in the Faves compound, Ashley is yelling about something. What a temperamental child. Handle her Mama Faves! How does she handle it? Much like Mama Faves handled Mama Redneck: laugh at her ass. Ashley walks away with her pillow because no-baahahahahah-dy cares! Ashley then turns around and asks why nobody feels bad for her. Huh sweetie, because your annoying and your crying for no reason. I’d like to see you do THAT 10 yrs down the road in a board meeting. “Why can’t my company get some bail out money…it’s not faaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr wwahahahahahhahahahah…” you will say as you run out of the meeting. Realizing nobody cares about her temperamental behind, she hops back on her mom’s lap like nothing happened. My eye twitches…

In the Disalvatore camp, Allen insists that she will go on the hot hair balloon once they get to Albuquerque. Sylvia isn’t having it. He wants her to keep her eyes on the prize…which is the money of course. I’m thinking Sylvia has a fear of heights…or maybe he doesn’t want to do the hot air balloon stuff because it might misplace his hair and make his tan disappear. The troposphere isn’t too fond of Metrosexuals.

The families finally make it to Albuquerque. The next day, there are hot air balloons waiting for them next to their RVs. The balloons are ready but the families just stand there. Mama Redneck who thinks her courage says anything about her character, is the first one to run towards the balloon. It’s just a balloon! Allen keeps yelling that she’s going in but Sylvia refuses. Allen tells us that Sylvia isn’t going to stop her. Quite frankly Sylvia wouldn’t be able to take you on so just go ahead and take that nasally-pitchy voice up there with you…you are annoying me! Allen runs towards the balloon while Sylvia stomps his feet. He didn’t want her to go into the hot-air balloon for this:

Allen had a good time she tells us. This is one of the only times where she felt liberated. Again, your 10 or 20 some years too late hun and I think I’ve already touched this issue in my previous recap! That is all…

The families head out to the airport for their “King of the Road” challenge. The winners of this challenge will get on the plane and fly to Phoenix Arizona and will be spoiled rotten and pampered at a resort and spa. I hope the Redneck’s don’t win because they slept in a hotel already so sorry Anslie. The plane is empty and not ready for take off so the families will need to carry some mannequins in the plane. Each family has 5 minutes to get as many passengers off the bus and in the plane with seat belts on. The three bottom families are going to the “End of the Road” Challenge. A family will be going home…YES!!!!! The Cooties already have a strategy. Mama Cooties is leading the pack. Do you really need to win that badly Mama Cooties? It’s not for the money right?

Mama warns the kids that if they fall and hurt themselves, they just gotta get out of the way (word for word)! Aww, it reminds me, I should call my mom too. Remember folks, it’s not about the money and the spa that she won’t pay for. It’s really about winning. Jake takes out the mannequins from the bus; Cassidy and Papa Cooties take out the mannequin and bring them up the plane while Mama puts the seat belts on. We get a montage of the families completing the challenge.

Sylvia doesn’t think they need to rush through this competition. Allen interjects sarcastically that they really only have 5 minutes. Put your hair in a bun Sylvia, that usually helps! The Monts who are always way to intense for a challenge they will probably eff up, found this weird way of completing the challenge. They decide to stuff one aisle; and, they had two people in the plane putting the seat belts on the mannequin.

The Faves, who used to be my faves, are again a total mess. Dylan is yelling for no reason and Lenny can’t perform. Lenny’s excuse is that his family has strong minds so they are never working together. No, no, no! That’s not it. It’s because you’re family members are guided by their emotions. I almost feel like you guys are way to desperate for this shit too. This is the second time within the duration of this show that Mama Faves tells us that they are broke. Now financial woes brings out the worst in us, but does that mean that your son should yell at the top of his lungs when he thinks he’s right? Should your daughter have a hissy fit the minute she doesn’t get something that she wants? Should Mama Faves cry for people who don’t care about her that much? Should Papa Lenny always feel inadequate? NO!

The Rednecks are doing terribly. The Disalvatore are…really just the Disalvatore. They successfully effed themselves by clogging the entrance of the plane with mannequins.

Blake was doing most of the running while the rest of his family were buckling. The Cooties were just as terrible and the Rednecks weren’t any better. Mama Faves was freaking out because she didn’t want to be in the bottom three. Again, emotions!!! Papa Monts realized near the end of the challenge that he forgot to buckle one passenger and he feels that this could cost him the challenge. If you didn’t spend too much time bragging about your family, having secret conversations with God, and placing way to much expectations on this challenge that YOU SHOULD be winning, that buckle would have been clipped. Tough luck!

So who’s in the bottom three??? The Disalvatore…AGAIN!! The Faves AGAIN!!! and the Monts…AGAIN!!! The winners of the challenge are the Cooties…AGAIN!!! There’s this weird moment of silence as the Cooties hop around in joy. What gives?? It’s always the same families. This is getting old. I know the producers are up to this because the families can’t suck that bad…can they? I mean this is really really really getting old! Mama Redneck behaved this time. She literally put on her fake face which is strangely the same as her nice face. That can only mean one thing: just like her makeup she’s tacky, cheap, overdone and looks fake.

The Monts only needed a mannequin to save themselves. Papa Monts gets all Mr. T on our asses because he knows that he slightly effed up. As a punishment he decides to eat raw eggs and repeatedly yell at himself all alone in front of a bathroom mirror that he’s the chief! The Cooties hop on their plane and are greeted by the most stereotypical flight attendant I have ever seen. I mean could you be any more stereotypical? I feel like calling her a stewardess again!

The other families have a long ride to their next destination so our producers decide to offered them a dinner at…Applebee’s. I’m not promoting this restaurant ever again. What a dumb product placement! The restaurant is blatantly advertising their product on the show; it’s not even subliminal. I refuse to eat at Applebee’s now. Mama Redneck tells us they needed to replenish because it was a hard challenge. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight…buckling and unbuckling people. I do that very often and let me tell you, I can do it with one hand. TMI??

Back on the road again, and the families are going to Holbrook Arizona. It’s a REALLY long drive apparently. While the families drive up to Arizona, the Cooties are treated like royalty. They get a limo. I’m sorry, they’re really just annoying about it all. But back on the road, the drive-up to Arizona takes a dark turn with the sudden increase of dark clouds. Hum…the Monts, God just got your message and this is way to tell you to fuck-off. The rain is really pouring and there’s a lot of wind. The RVs are shaking from the wind as well. Wow, this is really bad. But the Cooties don’t need to worry. The other families are dying out there but the Cooties are totally living the life…AGAIN!

The Monts tell us that the wind has died down but they made it safe. The families head out to wigwam hotel in Holbrook. It’s nothing but teepees Papa Monts is getting really intense again with his blue wife-beater. He’s talking about how his family will do well. He lets the family take the beds since the teepee is the since of a bathroom. The warrior lets his wife and kids sleep on the beds because his back needs to take the floor so that he can connect with the earth to gain some strength for the challenge ahead.

The families are going to the meteor crater near Winslow. The Disalvatore don’t want to go home so they are satisfied with being safe. The Faves just want to stick together and work together. The Monts look for a higher power for this challenge. Papa Monts tells us that God told him to take care of his house because he’s been praying for everybody else too much. No, I’m pretty sure you didn’t get his text message. As you recall, there are problems in the Middle-East and he’s too busy answering their text messages. Mama Monts cuts-off his intense monologue by telling him that he should probably shut the hell up because God doesn’t really give a shit. I think many recappers have said this many times on this website, but God has better shit to do. He’s working on other important projects and your little challenge in a reality show isn’t enough for him to lift his precious finger so suck it!

“End of the Road challenge” time! Reno tells us that the area is known for meteor that hit that area. I argue that it is not a crater…God took a shit and missed the bowl and it landed right there! Something out of nowhere flies through Reno’s monologue. Reno acts like he doesn’t know what going on (bad acting) and tells them that it’s “the End of the Road” challenge. The families must pay attention to what is shot in the air because at the end of the challenge they will have to identify what they saw to be saved from elimination.

First item is…wtf?? Ooh…it’s a phone. Blake thinks it’s a VHS tape. The next item is a lawnmower. The third one is really not visible at all. I feel like the producer got tired so they threw in a football. Quite frankly, I can understand the families…these objects are barely visible and this challenge is really stupid. Lenny however tells us that since he’s getting old and he can’t see quite well. He’s also forgetting things. Oh Lenny…you’re always clueless! The producers decide to throw some obvious objects such as a golf bag, a computer monitor, a barbecue, a teddy bear in a car seat, a bike, and a double sink. Yup, typical items you’d find outside a crusty trailer.

The families must now put in the order the pictures of the flying items on a board and ring on the buzzer when they think they solved the challenge. The last family to complete the challenge is eliminated. It’s really craptacular. All you can really see are 8 hands just trying to put some pictures in a line. There isn’t much strategy going on either. The Disalvatore hit the button first and they…they are SAVED? Argh!! Why God why???? Is it the crater joke? You know I was kidding right?

So it’s between the Faves and Monts. It’s the battle of the emotionally-driven crazies. Don’t believe me? For one, Papa Lenny is freaking out because 1) he doesn’t remember what was rocket launched earlier and 2) he has a bad memory. I don’t know why he’s standing there next to the families if he’s completely useless. Oh wait, he’s adding the extra-piquant to the challenge. The extra “oh my god!! this is right…omg, no…omg yes…omg no!” isn’t helping Papa Faves. Start the engine, your family is going home.

The Monts, as usual, are “Tour de France” intense but they’re not doing anything. They are repeatedly pushing that stupid buzzer the minute they change a picture’s position. All of this isn’t really the families fault. It’s really Papa Mont’s fault. His incessant need to get the job done without really thinking anything through is annoying. Just hang up the phone! The heavenly phone line is clogged by your selfish demands! The Monts, after hitting the buzzer at least a thousand times, finish the challenge.

The Monts are safe! The Monts and the Disalvatore just hump each other, out of joy of course, because they are safe from elimination. But the families quickly stop cheering at the sight of the Faves who are emotionally torn from their loss. The Faves are crying enough tears to fill-up a bottle of Aquafina. Let me put my compassionate face on. It really sucks because they really wanted and needed that money but I feel that their neediness cost them the competition. I think as a family, they should try to spend some time together despite their financial strains because it seems to me that they still need to know each other.

Mama Redneck who got snappy with Mama Faves at the last “End of the Road” challenge, runs to Mama Faves’ side. Mama Faves doesn’t want her sympathy so she tells her to go away. There’s something very weird about Mama Redneck’s sudden need to console Mama Faves. She was the same person who told Mama Faves not to “push it” when the Faves saved their sorry asses last week. But now, she’s the one rubbing Mama Faves’ back? FAKE!

The Faves are gone! I think every contestant on a show gets money for just appearing on the show so…I hope the Faves didn’t go home empty handed (I say in a pitchy uncertain voice). It’s been real!