The Great American Road Trip: Wanna know how I know this show sucks?

Previously, on The Great American Road trip the producer’s favorite family the Cooties won; and, the Faves cried their way to their elimination…literally! This show sucks! There…I said it! Sue me!

I had such a hard time finding a website that would actually air this televised garbage!! You know your show sucks when hackers don’t want to crack and share the episode on their picture-less website filled with tasteless pornographic images. Now I know some of you guys are probably thinking: “She could have watched the episode on Hulu, Fancast and NBC”. As you may know, I live in an igloo and NBC doesn’t recognize a bunch of, nicely built thank you, ice blocks as a region. I’m actually quite insulted and I will be sending an angry email at NBC…if it gets there…

So after this weeks episode aired, I spent 4 days looking for the episode online. I was so bummed on the 3rd day that I decided to go on the Great American Road Trip message boards. There are several sections where viewers can post their comments. There’s a section where families can chat with their online guests. There’s also a section where the viewers can comment on each episode. There is one particular section that caught my eye: there’s a section where viewers can complain about the show. You know your show sucks when you have a complaint section.

Well it turns out that it’s the most populated area on the message boards. I flipped through the comments and…Yikes! It turns out that the viewers aren’t too fond of Mama Redneck. People dislike her so much that she had Mama Rich, Mama Rico, Papa Monts, Allen, Sylvia and the state of Alabama coming to her defense.

Things also got heated when a viewer criticized the way the burgers were done on the show. The viewer also wrote in his bible-long dissertation that he/she thought the show was boring. Amen!!!! Sylvio actually replied to the viewer in question the best way he knows how: by being a dick! He told the viewer that maybe s/he should have her own show and s/he should post it up so that everyone can also judge it. Now, there wouldn’t be a problem with his response if IT WASN’T IN THE COMPLAINT SECTION! Another opinionated viewer wrote that she thought Mama Pollard could ease up on the makeup and said something in the lines of it not being prom anymore. Ooooohhhh snap!! Sylvio who was not attacked in that comment, replied that she probably didn’t attend her prom. The whole discussion was stupid. My point is this: if your contestants feel the need to defend their actions in the show’s complaint section, your show sucks!

Ok, I’m done now! Let’s get to the show!

We’re back at the meteor crater again where the last challenge took place. The families are going to Sedona, Arizona to visit the Slide Rock State Park before the King of the Road challenge. Mama Cooties decided to take the wheel this time because her wins have gotten to her head. She decided to let her minions rest. Her monosyllabic-talking sidekick Papa Cooties is never too far. He sits silently and waits for orders. The Cooties have shamelessly displayed their wins cheating on the dashboard of their RV. Papa Cooties says coldly, as usual, that his family will have to start picking it up a notch because the competition is “down to the wire”. Pick it up a notch? Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for the past episodes? You’ve always been on the last notch and I think you broke it. Mama Cooties finally uttered the words I’ve been waiting for: “We’re here to win and we also want to win the grand prize”.

The Rednecks are happy that they made it to final four and blah blah (add something sappy along the lines of how they never thought they would ever get this far crap). The Monts are (again) overconfident about nothing. They’re not good at competitions but they are great motivational speakers. Hooray!! Lets give a hand of applause to our should-be motivational speakers!!! Darius tells us that the only reason they’ve struggled made it this far is because of their faith in God. If God was helping you in all of those challenges, you wouldn’t be in every single End of the Road challenge. Just saying! God is giving you signs. When he continuously shafts your family in the bottom three, he’s telling you to go eff yourself and to stop bothering him.

The Monts don’t want to be bottom three anymore because it’s a lot of pressure. Nobody knows pressure and failure like the Monts do. I did promise I would not make fun of the Monts because of their win at their first End of the Road challenge, but their competitiveness is over the top and it doesn’t produce winning results. Maybe I shouldn’t blame the Monts. You know a show sucks when you know that one particular family will always be in the bottom three. You’re looking at them and the Disalvatore aren’t too far behind.

The families finally arrive to Sedona. There are humongous red rocks. Sedona is known for its red rocks and vortex apparently and snooooooooooooooooooore!!!!! I think this whole Sedona nonsense is better when you see it ‘for real’. Sylvio, always the one to contradict everything because the producers paid him to do it, doesn’t believe that the people of Sedona have this mystic relationship with the red rocks or that vortex. I can totally sense that the producers made sure Sylvio looks like some ignorant belligerent New-Yorker thrown into a non-big-city-like environment. That’s how bad this show is. You know a show sucks when there’s a particular character that has to play a particular role in a show…and it’s OBVIOUS. Sylvio happens to be the fool.

The families finally arrive to the Slide Rock Park in Arizona. The rocks are really slippery and the river is shaped like a massive slide. Sylvio is the first to fall on his ass the minute he puts his foot on the rock. I know he’s been talking about how tan he is but I don’t think its working. I just see some pasty legs and the same goes for his back.

The Cooties stand on the side because royalty cannot bathe with peasants. Mama Cooties tells us that they need to win the money so she’s avoiding the rock slide so that she doesn’t break anything. Papa Cooties nods as well. I’d like to insult her, but her family is going to make it to the end and win…crutches or not. You know your show sucks when your viewers know who wins.

Some Italian-inspired music sneaks up in the background…its none other than the Disalvatore. Oh god…what did they do now producers? Are they eating pasta? What? What? What? The RV needs some gas and it’s Syl who will be filling it up. Note, on this road trip, Syl has not filled up the tank.

Syl learns, in a matter of seconds, how to put some gas which everyone, in this day and age, should be able to do. Why would you want something like that exposed? Syl has this way of putting out this rocker-like look, attire and demeanor but he can’t pump gas?

Amy is amazed that Syl can finally fill up the tank. Syl, like a child who just learned how to poop in the toilet, runs to Amy to show her that he actually pooped in the bowl. Amy tells us that she’s happy that she doesn’t need to wipe his ass anymore. “Allen” buys “Sylvia” a King of the Road tiara to congratulate him. Don’t forget the training bra! Allen is really telling Sylvia that regardless of his helpfulness, she still has his dick locked in a jar that she maintains and conserves in saline water.

Mama Cooties is increasingly beginning to resemble those pageant girl moms who insist that their daughters get a crown. As she’s driving the family to the challenge, she orders her minions to get that fourth crown. She then belts out this diabolical laugh.

Out of nowhere, Jake, the most annoying little boy in the world, gives us a raspy and energetic repetition of what his mother said. I guess your Mama’s number 2. The minions were successfully brainwashed. I don’t think over-competitiveness is good for a child but whatever. Just my piece! Allen tells us that she wants her family to win a King of the Road challenge this time. She says that every episode. She tells us in her confessional that she wants the Cooties to go home because she’s tired of them winning. Then win something! You can’t hate the player, hate the bloody game. It’s not their fault your family sucks. To be honest though, I’m getting pretty sick and tired of looking at the Cooties hump and jump of joy at every King of the Road challenge but it’s not like they have some competition anyway.

King of the Road challenge time!! What are families doing today? Reno talks about the vortex and tells the family to extend their arms and…really, it doesn’t matter. Reno just set up his own lame joke about not feeling the vortex and I was forced to watch this nonsense. I lost a minute of my life that I’m not getting back. Reno, you’re not funny.

The families have 8 minutes to spin the vortex as many times as possible. The “vortex” is a circular platform that spins when it’s pushed. One family member is going to be strapped to the circular spinning platform and yadi yadi yada! I mean it’s really simple: family member on the platform + the other family members are pushing the vortex = you have to have the most spins to win. Reno decides to exemplify the challenge for the families by strapping himself on the circular spinning platform. That was improvised; he had no material. He warns the kids that he had an enormous burrito so they might want to go easy on the spins. Dude, when are you not eating?? In every single episode he’s eating something or has just eaten. Shouldn’t you be writing jokes?

The winners of the challenge will have their own private helicopter for a tour around the Grand Canyon. Papa Monts insists that his family is going to win that challenge…yet again. No…no you won’t…you never win; the Cooties always win.

There’s only really one family safe in this challenge because the three others are technically participating in the End of the Road challenge.

The Disalvatore are first and Princess Sylvia is the first one on the platform. I wonder why he volunteered. The spinning might mess up his hair. After three spins, Syl realizes that he must maintain that little tan he got on his legs from the Slide Rock Park so he gets off the platform. According to the little snippet the producers decided to add, the Disalvatore had at least completed 166 spins…Syl only contributed three. Then your wife wanders why the Cooties are winning so much. It’s because of that!

The Monts are up next and as usual Darius gives us a plausible explanation as to why his family could win but never delivers the goods. This time, Darius tells us that his experience in the marines has taught him to never quit. Hum…there’s a big difference between war and some spinning platform. There’s no work experience that could ever really help you in any of those challenges so you don’t have an advantage Darius. Darius, as usual, never forgets to thank the creator. The whole family starts yelling hallelujah for nothing. Last week, God let your prayer go to his answering machine. This week, God screened your prayers and then blocked them. Oh Virgin Mobile, what can’t you do?

I don’t think it was wise to pick someone like Darius to get on the platform, marine or not. Honestly, I don’t think it’s wise to have an adult on the platform. Mama Monts tells us that it was an in fact a stupid move, but Papa got lighter the more they pushed. Look, if this is your way of saying he hasn’t gained any weight since the first time you guys met than were not buying it. The Monts have done 229 spins already so their strategy may not be so bad.

The Cooties decided to put baby Cassidy on the “vortex”. As their spinning Jake Cootie, the only child on the show who seems to necessitate more attention than the others (ARGH!) is………………honestly, I don’t know what the hell he’s doing. He’s not pushing the platform but cheering and throwing his hands in the air. Mama Cooties snaps her fingers and like a soldier he obeys her command: “no cheering, I must push” he says to himself.
The family hits that 294 mark. It’s pretty clear they’ve beaten both the Monts and the Disalvatore. You know your show sucks when the outcome of the competition is super evident even though you’ve tried to add that “suspense”.

It’s the Pollard’s turn and Aaron is on the platform. The family hits that 260 mark but Papa is getting tired and sweaty. His neck is more red than usual and he’s a redneck. There’s one minute left but it’s obvious they are not going to make it. The Pollards finish at 299. You know your show sucks when you try to create some suspense but it’s obvious that the family who could beat the best team doesn’t make it at all…every.single.time!

So who won the challenge…it’s obviously the Cooties. You know your show sucks when it’s always the same family that wins the challenge. When your show gets like that, just do what Mark Burnett does: stage the challenges.

The Disalvatore got 210 spins. The family isn’t surprised that they are, once again, at the bottom. To be honest, an attitude like that about a show of this manner is very telling. I mean if the families are aware that they don’t stand a chance than what’s the point? Are these families only there for comedic value alone? I mean the viewers also get sick and tired of seeing the same nimrods at the top. The Big Brother Coup d’état is just an example of how producers twist the game to make things fair…or interesting.

The Monts got 259 spins and they were also surprised. They were like: “Shoot! The producers screwed those numbers up because I know God would have given me 350!” God would reply something in the lines of: “Stop stalking me!”

So who won? The crappy Cooties. Mama Cooties can’t even contain her happiness and it annoys me. Have some class! You’ve won all the challenges. Shouldn’t you know how to comport yourself by now? Mama Cooties tells us that the kids and her husband will love this reward but behind those words, she hides her own intentions. She’s the one who wanted the helicopter ride. Her minions laugh and enjoy themselves under her command.

The other families aren’t happy and some of them have this suspicious look on their face as well. That conspiracy-this-shit-is-fixed face and I don’t blame them. The families will stay at the Best Western hotel. Another shitty product placement! You know your show sucks when your product placement is so blatant that your viewers refuse to go there. Your viewers being me!

The Cooties get in their RV to celebrate. They all put on those Wal-Mart crowns. The foursome is now complete.

The other families aren’t happy. The Rednecks are just mad that they miss their shot by a couple of points. Rather than prepare for the next competition, the Disalvatore get nasty. Allen says that Papa Cooties “has the personality of a flea and a rock”. OUCH! So the fact that he does what his wife tells him to do…makes him a rock? Even if he is a rock, he’s still winning some challenges. So which approach is better? A father who spends more time in the mirror and barely does anything in the challenges; or, the father who actually does something but can barely socialize. Whatever, I’m just saying.

The families get to their hotel and snnnooooooooooooore! They have a nice view of the red rocks from their balcony. Boring!

Back on Route 66…actually, I read somewhere that they’re barely on Route 66. They take a gazillion detours but they’re never really on that route. What a sham! Anyways, all the families are heading to the Grand Canyon. According to Reno, its apparently one of the 7th wonders of the world…”and there are 6 more” he says. After Captain-Obvious subtracts 1 from 7, he laughs at his own joke: “this is a good one” he says. Dude…shut up and you can forget about that comedy show you were hoping to get at NBC. There are already too many fat and actually funny white guys on TV anyways.

The families get to the Grand Canyon National Park. It’s very nice…from my computer screen!!! The Monts want an echo; the Disalvatores are litterally at the edge of the canyon.

Anslie and Mama Redneck start yelling out of nowhere about something that they saw crawling on top of Mama Redneck’s foot. It was this fury thing that they call a prairie dog. What’s with the yelling?Are you guys part-time Rednecks or something? After punching-in for their part-time Redneck shift, rather than gaze and be amazed by the 7th wonder of the world, the family decide to take a picture of the “prairie dog”. That damn thing looks like a squirrel to me.

Mama Redneck tells us that she would have shot it, skinned it and would have had it for supper. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigght! You’re only talking your redneck gibberish because your redneck shift just started.

Allen feels the same way I do. She actually asks Mama Redneck if the damn thing isn’t a squirrel. Even if it is, WHO CARES? Oh, by the way, wanna know how I know this show sucks? When your budget is tight and bullshit like the following happens:

I goggled prairie dog: it’s a type of squirrel. Mama Redneck tells Amy that they eat squirrels in Alabama. For now on, anybody from Alabama can’t make fun of Chinese cuisine…EVER! Mama Redneck tells us she would make friends with it. It’s always good to know how a reality TV stars’ social circle looks like. Canyon the squirrel meet Earl the Racoon.

It’s the Cooties reward challenge and I couldn’t care less. Mama Cooties tells us how she can’t wait to get into the helicopter blah blah! She also says that all the families have asked her when they’re going on their helicopter ride and in some weird hidden way she thinks that they’re jealous of their win. Hum, I don’t think so! They asked out of politeness. They really don’t care about you and your family and they certainly don’t want to see you prancing around with your stupid “made in Taiwan” crowns.

Queenie Cooties also thinks that the other families are probably looking around for a helicopter to see if they are in there. Lady, seriously, they don’t care! I think they want you to win all of the challenges so that they don’t need to deal with you. I know I would.

Mama Cooties (AGAIN!) pompously tells us that the other families are hiking around the Grand Canyon. She says it in such a snooty way too. She says it in this “the peasants are walking by foot. How dirty!!!” kind of way. She tells us that she would rather be in the helicopter because she has a better view. Hum…really?? So, lets say, hypothetically speaking of course, that all the of the families were all going to Paris to see the Eiffel tower. The show’s budget wouldn’t allow it but let’s say it would happened. I’m laughing as I’m typing this because it would absolutely positively NEVER happen! Anyways, back to my point! Would you rather fly over the Eiffel tower or actually go in it? In your case Mama Cooties you would rather fly over it! Does that seem rational to you????

The Disalvatore are trying to take pictures right next to the Canyon but for some reason, Syl always puts his hand in a certain way. He’s flashing the “I love you” sign. I actually didn’t know that the sign meant “I love you” but I’m a 100% convinced that people don’t flash that sign anymore. Allen doesn’t want to take the picture with Syl’s pro-love sign. The whole Allen/Sylvia bickering montage lasts 2 minutes. OMG, producers, why does it matter? No offense, but anybody throwing a sign in a picture deserves to have their kneecaps broken. That nonsense looks bad. Just flash a stupid smile. Do you know what’s going to happen later on Syl? You’re going to look back at all the pictures you’ve ever taken and that ridiculously-prehistoric sign that you were throwing up will embarrass you and your going to wish you never did it so don’t do it now!

The families are going to the Grand Canyon Roadway for the End of the Road Challenge. The Monts invoke God again. Your pass to heaven might be revoked if you bring up the Big Man again. They’re at the Grand Canyon Railway in Arizona. This challenge is called something robbery. Whatever! Ya, I wasn’t listening. Just get to details Reno! It’s actually a telephone game. There are 4 safes in the front of the car and 4 safes at the back. Each safe holds a combination to a safe on the opposite side of the train. Each family member must pass the combination to the following family member until all safes are open. All the safes must be open to win the challenge. The family that takes the longest to open the safes is eliminated.

The Disalvatore are first. Sylvia screws up on the first combination. He tells the others that the combination is 22084 when it should be 226084. The family has already lost two minutes. Their time is 7 minutes and 2 seconds.

The Pollards decided to use two numbers to spell out the 6 number combination which really works to their advantage. Side note: this whole challenge looks really funny especially when you see each family member just running towards a small window and squeezing their head through it to shout out the number. It’s almost like that one part in The Shinning where Jack Nicholson squeezes his head through that door.

The family finally hits the 7:02 mark and they are still not done with the challenge. It was mainly because Anslie was having a hard time with the numbers. The Rednecks complete the challenge in 8:59 minutes. The Disalvatore are safe.

The Monts, think they will nail it…I laugh because it’s a catastrophe waiting to happen. The family was 3 minutes in the challenge and there was already two mistakes. Papa Monts who claimed to have a photographic memory, screwed up on the third combination and the whole time he was shaking quivering and losing his breath and shits. At one point, he was just talking to himself. They obviously lost!

The Monts did the challenge in 10 minutes. They look defeated but they didn’t take it that bad. Papa Monts feels peaceful and happy he says. He thanks the lord, yet again. God has now revoked your heaven-pass. Congratulations!