The Great American Road Trip: The Losers’ Revenge

Previously on The Great American Road Trip, the Cooties’ reign of terror continued as they nuclear bombed the competition. Winning the Great American Road trip is only the first stage of their diabolical plan. Soon, they will take over the world.

Speaking of a diabolical plan, God got so fed up with the Monts that not only did he shaft the family with this heavenly index finger into the bottom three, but he made sure that the Monts painfully lost the End of the Road challenge just to prove he’s not effing around.
Three families are left! I’m praying for a double elimination…”you have reached God’s voice mail…” (hang up). Damn! The families are now in Williams, Arizona. The Cooties are saddened by the Monts epic failure at the End of the Road challenge. The Cooties are the only family defending their pointless Plastic Alliance…or should I say the Axis of Evil alliance. That whole alliance thing was stupid from the beginning. There’s no immunity and the families don’t vote each other out. If anything, your tripod was a friendship because those things happen when different people meet Mrs Cooties. She tells us that this road trip has now become a “game”. No, no and no!! It was always a game! It doesn’t really feel like a game because you’re always winning. When you’re not threatened, you never sense the gravity of a bad situation. For example, rich people never really feel or understand poverty until someone bites a bit of their fortune. Two legged people don’t understand people with physical disabilities until their legs get cut-off. Catch my drift? WAIT, this isn’t even a game. The only strategy in this show is to not suck!

Sylvio tells us that he never dreamed “he” would be in the top three. Neither did I. I dreamed you were gone on the first episode but you weren’t. Awww, dreams! They feel so…real! Allen finally tells us the truth too. Her family is going through financial difficulties…much like everybody else. This show equals money! Gotcha! I knew that from day one too. Sylvio was the first one to say that he was elated when he heard that the grand prize is of 100 000G’s. He also refused that Allen hop on that hot air balloon ride because he wanted her to “keep her eyes on the prize”. Trust me Allen we knew. The Disalvatore financial troubles are mainly because one person in the family is bringing in the dough. Hum…I can only imagine who that would be.

The first destination for the families is Seligman, Arizona. The only place Allen can’t seem to say properly. Reno tells us that the families are heading to Seligman. For what you ask??? FOR FOOD!!!…yet again! Reno proposed this stop to the producers and they caved. So let’s recap for a second: burgers, burritos, pie and road kill. Bonne appétit losers!

Sylvia is the conductor-in-chief to their destination and he wants to make a turn. I believe the turn was very sharp because as he’s turning, all the items on the counter fall to the ground. I don’t know much about RVs but I’m pretty sure that you’re not supposed to have items just lying there in your vehicle. What if the RV stops abruptly and that heavy casserole with that chicken soup is propelled just far enough to hit the driver’s head? That’s an injury; that’s negligent. Allen as usual has a fit. She tells us that it’s hard to be the only woman in an Italian family. Her sons and her husband do nothing…because you don’t give them any orders and you certainly haven’t been consistent and straightforward with them either. Men will do whatever you want them to do as long as it’s concise and straightforward. If you don’t, this happens:

Allen complains that there are socks and gum wrappers on the floor; the toilet is not flushed; and, she always has to put the lid down. Instead of ordering her boys to clean it up, she picks it up instead. Italian woman have to learn that the equality thing has reached even the most secluded tribes in Africa. If it’s good for Africans, it’s good for Italians. One tidbit is that Allen is actually the only bread winner in the house so these guys are SERIOUSLY not doing anything. I actually feel bad for her. Allen tells us that she’s spoken to Mama Redneck about this situation. She tells us that Mama Redneck runs a tight ship and Allen’s ship has sailed and it’s not coming back. They actually got rid of Allen and left her on this deserted island. When she wants things done, she yells from her island. They only let her on board the ship for food and the occasional cleaning.

My theory is this Allen: you lost Sylvio the first time you nagged about his underwears lying around the house. You lost your boys when they understood that if mama nags long enough, she’ll end up doing it anyway.

They’re finally at the Road Kill Café. Ya, they are definitely eating road kill!

The Rednecks are eager to order. Mama Redneck wants some quail while Papa Redneck can’t wait to eat some possum. Their meal comes with a side dish of dried cement and broken glass. Aww, I see! So that’s what the United States does with its road kill. I will bring this information back to my fellow igloo friends. That will solve our baby seal crisis and make the Europeans love us again!

In the Cooties’ evil lair, Jake is sitting quietly. Pfft, I wish! The rugrat keeps yelling “road kill” until he’s silence by Mama Cooties’ trusted sidekick. Papa Cooties. Jake keeps yelling: “I want road kill, I want meat! I want road kill I want meat”. Kid…shut up! Hey Mama and Papa Cooties, while you were taking a break from concocting you master plan to take over the world, you could have taught Jake a thing or two about not talking if he has nothing to say.

The Disalvatore arrive at “The Road Kill Cafe”. As Sylvio is trying to park, he makes another sharp turn which makes everything on the counters fall on the ground again. Look Allen, sometimes I think you’re looking for something to fight about. Why are the things still on the counters? Shouldn’t they be locked safely in the cupboard? I mean in doesn’t take you too much time to do that. Get your sons to help you or make them do it! Allen tells us that she reached the breaking point and she’s at the end of her rope…20 years later!

Allen storms out of the RV and she marches to the Redneck’s table to vent her frustration. “I can’t take it anymore”, she says. Papa Redneck who is the least concerned about the situation doesn’t say anything. Aaron who just wants to be polite, asks her what the problem is. At the sight of Mama Redneck, Allen tells her that she needs to talk to her. Mama Redneck, surprised and confused, willingly gives Allen the time to “vent her frustrations”. Allen asks if she can hangout at the Rednecks’ RV for a little while. Papa Redneck who was in a man-coma snaps out of it really quickly and gives her that “Wtf did you say?” look. Enjoy Rednecks and she doesn’t come cheap. Allen is accessorized with an annoying sharp voice that increases the minute she encounters a difficult situation. Her nagging button is broken. There are no warranties, no exchanges and returns. Enjoy!

It’s the battle of the sexes. How pathetic! Mama Cooties loves this. #2 Jake, with his back hunched like those hyenas in The Lion King, asks if they can move closer to see what’s going on. I wouldn’t if I were you. People like Allen tend to expand and spread the situation further than the actual battleground. Mama Cooties silences her #2 and belts out another diabolical laugh.

Mama Cooties tells us that she would never separate herself from her family. They need to be brainwashed every day and people of her race can’t mix with people like the Rednecks and Disalvatore.

Allen doesn’t want to see Syl so she forces a pleasantly-not-annoying Mama Redneck to sit at another table on the other side of the road kill dump. She’s so mad that she would rather stare at the wall. Oh burn!!! When the wall is more interesting than your face, you know there’s something wrong! Sylvio isn’t taking Allen’s mental breakdown seriously. He gets the men together and rallies for the men team. I don’t think the producers had any intent on putting same sex couples on the show unfortunately. As for this stupid situation, when emotions hit, rationality is put aside. THEN you wonder why the Cooties are winning.

Sylvio heads to Allen’s table so that he can pretend to be sad about what he did so that she comes back. Allen’s not having it though. Mama Redneck, in her confessional, tells us that Allen told her that Sylvio was slinging stuff in the RV. WOW, that’s what you told her?? I mean c’mon now! Things are falling off the counter because everybody in your stinkin’ family thinks that they are too good to put any of those items back in the cupboard. You just escalated this thing for sympathy and it’s ridiculous. So it’s settled: Mama Redneck, Allen and Anslie are in one RV and the men are in the other.

The Cooties are driving to the King of the Road challenge when their RV scratches the top of the structure in the forecourt of a gas station. Mama Cooties thought she was immune to the rules of geometry. She completely scratched the top of the RV and probably wrecked that structure. EPIC FAIL! Passersby were taking pictures. She felt embarrassed she told us; but she was also very vengeful. She will not be embarrassed this WAY!!! DAMN GEOMETRY!!

Hahahahah, they actually have to let the air out of the wheels of the RV so that they can back it up without A) scratching the top of the RV and b) not demolish that wabbly-looking structure. EPIC FAIL!!!!

In the women RV, Allen tells us that she’s been in the RV for 2 minutes and she feels 75% better. The other 25% is because Anslie and Mama Redneck aren’t catering enough to her whinny-and-needy-as-shit ass. Mama Redneck needs the direction to the next exit. Allen who has the direction, tells her to stop because she’s not going to make the right turn. Mama Redneck stops abruptly making everything in from the cupboard fall into the sink. Ironically, Allen laughs at the whole situation. So it’s funny when your girlfriend does it but if your husband stopped too abruptly, it’s the end of the world? Lady, make up your mind. It’s not because you kept your man’s penis in your possession that you should treat him any differently than your girlfriend. If that would have been Sylvio, you would have lost it. Another thing: shouldn’t these cupboards be locked??? Security guys! I’m not the one who’s going to get nailed on the head by a dinner plate.

Sylvio wants a vote! Should the RV be called the “Man mobile” or should it be called the “Bro Bus”? How about “WTF am I watching!?” OMG FML! Kill me now! The consensus is “Bro-Bus” with an “I don’t give a fuck” vote by Papa Redneck for the majority’s choice. I’m glad he’s the only one in this mess who doesn’t seem as emotionally invested in this bullshit as the rest of these buffoons. Hooray for not getting involved in other people’s marital problems.

Mama Redneck is getting divisive again. She’s got a new slogan now: “The Pollards and the Disalvatore are going to kick some Cootie bootie”. No offense but that line is so lame that you deserve to lose today. IT is so lame that Reno should just take back the keys to your RV and let your ass walk back to Alabama and New-York. Allen finds the line high-larious! I’m sorry it’s too lame. Reno, the producers and editors have to crawl back to California now.

The families are heading to the Hoover Dam for their King of the Road challenge. We get a montage of Nevada and the areas surrounding the Hoover Dam. Papa Redneck informs the boys that more than hundred people have died building the dam. Sylvio asks him to repeat that fact again. Papa Redneck looks at him in that “you didn’t know that” kind of way. Sylvio tells him that he didn’t. Papa Redneck tells him that he didn’t pull that fact out of his ass. It’s actually in that book that was provided to them at the beginning of the trip. Sylvio goes “Oh!” Ya, those little things with pages and words…ya, that’s a book!

In the confessional, Sylvio admits he misses Allen. It’s not because she’s intelligent, but because he can understand her. Well her accent! Sylvio who thought people didn’t read needs to feed his insecurity by telling Papa Redneck that he said “book” wrong. Its book; not boock! Papa Redneck must not have known that he’s rolling with royalty. It’s Princess Sylvia Disalvatore bitch…remember that! Honestly, I understood what Papa Redneck said and I’m a foreigner. Not everyone has to speak with your accent Sylvio. There’s no grammatical error in what he said so shut your mouth princess. By the way, it’s all of you and not yous.

Sylvio tells Papa Redneck that he’s going to have to accept Allen’s apology because he wants to make up with her. Apology??? Book?? So you’re going to take back your wife because you can’t talk to southerner? You’re going to demand an apology? Get the hell out of here!

Allen is relaxed because she’s away from the men in her life she tells us. She’s so happy about being away from the men that are dragging her down that she waltzes back to her RV to see if they missed her. Aww, I can finally add something next to the line “What do Rihanna and Amy Disalvatore have in common”. I’m relieved. As she walks back in the RV, Sylvio says he accepted her apology. Allen tells us that in Sylvio’s words it means that he’s sorry. So that’s what you’ve been reduced to? Translating this douche-nozzles’ words? Why can’t he apologize like the rest of us?

The family is happy Allen is back because she’s the only person who cooks in the house. She’s back on the ship. Pretty soon she will be sent back to the island. This stupid thing took 8 minutes of my life! I want to be compensated!

Competition time! Today, the families will make a hydro-electric plant. There is a faucet that shoots out water; and, a box with a bunch of pipes. The challenge consists of forming a pipeline that takes the water from the faucet on top of this turbine. There are three pillars to support the pipeline. If the pipeline is properly constructed, the water that comes out of the pipe should trickle down on this turbine. The turbine will pump up this inflatable Uncle Sam. The family who inflates Uncle Sam the fastest wins the challenge.

The Rednecks are up first. The competition begins and I don’t see some bootie kickin’. The family realized that the challenge was a lot harder than they thought. The communication is flowing 6 minutes after the challenge started. They seriously effed up at the first pillar and that mistake alone cost them the competition. The family completed the challenge in 20 minutes and 33 seconds. OUCH! “Bootin’ the Cooties” I think not. You managed to kick your own ass and that’s only by flinging your leg back and letting your collar bone take the hit. Nice one!

It’s the Disalvatore’s turn now. Reno asks the family what their strategy is before the competition begins. Reno, they don’t have one! You know it. There is one strategy though: the Disalvatore boys’ strategy is to piss-off Allen so that she completes the damn thing herself.

Allen takes the lead in this challenge…as always. Their strategy is the following: Allen starts from the back; Sylvio fixes the middle; and, the boys start at the front. I think it’s pretty strategic to me. Everybody, but Sylvio, would move towards the middle to mitigate Sylvio’s damage. It keeps Sylvio occupied too…you would think. But even with this “strategy”, Sylvio still screws up the whole thing. Allen explains to Sylvio, in her new-yorker accent of course, that one of his pipes connected to the next pillar is in this 75 degree angle and there isn’t enough pressure to push the water upwards. Sylvio doesn’t get it.

He insists on screwing the pipes anyway while the clock is literally hitting that 20 minute mark. In any case, the Redneck’s are safe. Reno tells us that the Disalvatores are struggling to work together. Thanks Reno we knew that already too! Sylvio tightens the pipe and…water comes out of the pipe and onto the turbine? Really? So Sylvio was right? Wow! I guess you can’t judge a man by the straightness and thickness of his mane. Their time is 27 minutes and 34 seconds. So, they didn’t beat the Rednecks! They’re in the bottom…again. So we learned two things today, Sylvio isn’t that useless and maybe Allen should trust Sylvio to do some stuff. FINE! Moving on…

It’s the Cooties turn. Mama Cooties doesn’t know anything about plumbing so she’s going to trust he helpful sidekick to complete the challenge. What annoys me a little is that the monosyllabic sidekick is cursing a lot…especially in front of kids. He’s telling them what to do like he was talking to one of his buddies. For example: “You can’t f*cking put that there”. I mean really? Is it necessary to add the extra fuck? Your son isn’t a plumber.

The family did the challenge in 19 minutes and 7 seconds. They WON…again!! Mama Redneck is pissed. Someone’s going home this week! Hooray, I can’t…oh wait. Reno steps in front of the families and announces that…no one is going home!???????????????? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT! Fuck my life….TWO MORE RECAPS??? (Phone is ringing). “Hey! Who’s this?” I say. “It’s God. Yaaaaaaaaaaa…. sorry about that! I just got your call. I was with a couple of my buddies. Sorry I couldn’t fix that up for ya! We can totally catch up some other time right? Again, it’s not personal!”

The two families with the best times will compete for a reward. It’s a night in Vegas. Mama Redneck is all happy again and she doesn’t drop the “Cootie Bootie” slogan! You got “Polled Pwned” at that challenge so that hideous slogan of yours can go.

The Cooties are celebrating yet again in their evil lair. They’re not even thinking about the challenge ahead. They know they have it in the bag. This time, their eyes are really on the grand prize. The Cooties will have the booty…as in money…c’mon guys! Mama Cooties isn’t even ashamed at her arrogance anymore. She blatantly says that it wasn’t a surprised that she was going to win the King of the Road challenge. World domination isn’t far; I’m telling you it’s going to happen.

The families are going to Las Vegas and then they’re going to the Rio theatre or the-a-tre according to Mama Redneck. That’s another word I don’t think she’s ever used in a sentence. To think I thought you were cool in that Sylvia/Allen catfight.

Reno is waiting for the families on stage. Reno hasn’t been working on his jokes like I ask him too. “I have been doing magic tricks for…8 minutes” he says.

The families laugh because they have too. He’s been learning magic tricks for 8 minutes so now he wants to put on a show. Hum…just like the producers took 8 minutes to write up the shows’ sypnosis. Just like it took 8 minutes for NBC and the producers to negotiate a contract. Just like it took 8 minutes to fetch out a host for this horrendous show. Just like it took 8 minutes for Reno to come up with the joke he made on stage. The magic number is 8.

Penn and Teller were the special guests today. They had a magic trick for the families. Penn asked Papa Cooties and Redneck to come on stage and to go into this closet/box.

Penn tells them they will be safe. He also tells them to think about what they want to happen as he locks up the fathers in the closet/box. The family members begin to laugh nervously. Hum…Penn? Ya, I think they want their daddies to be out of the box. I’m just throwing it out there. Penn covers the closet/ box and then quickly closes the curtains. When he opens the curtains again DA DA DUM…the papas have disappeared. The families got Teller instead. The kids kinda start freaking out but Mama Cooties is tad bit more concerned than the rest. Her Pinky/sidekick isn’t there and she can’t execute her plan without him. Plus Papa Cooties hasn’t given her finger signs or anything so she can’t cheat.

The challenge is pretty predictable. The families have to find their fathers in Vegas. I’d like to see the Cooties cheat this time. Mama Redneck is worried because her husband could be anywhere in Vegas. She has a hard time finding her way around her own one acre village city.

The Great American Road trip has become the Amazing Race. I honestly thought this show was going to resemble the Amazing Race but alas! There are a series of clues in the city that will lead them to their fathers. The family that finds their father the quickest will be spending some time in this luxurious suite and blah blah! There are limos outside that will take them to where ever they need to go.

The Cooties are being overly competitive and now they’re yelling at each other for dropping (sic) “the damn card”. Perfection is a necessity minions. What the hell were you thinking? I’m so happy she’s not my mom.

This is the first time Mama Cooties isn’t so confident about her abilities because her sidekick isn’t there. I smell a loss. While the Rednecks are having fun, the Cooties are at each other’s throat. The first clue brings the families to “Circus Circus” venue. They must first pop the balloons to find the clue. The Rednecks realize that little blocks were coming out of the balloon. They’re required to mix the words together to find the name of the next hotel. The Cooties are just yelling and freaking out at this point. Mama Cooties sends Cassidy to find the name of the hotel but Cassidy starts freaking out and she’s almost about to cry. “Can’t you do anything right” Mama Cooties would probably say if the cameras weren’t running. Mama Cooties decides to decipher the hotel’s name herself. Mama Redneck tells us that Mama Cooties would obviously know what the hotel is because she’s been to Vegas a hundred times. Hum…so who are the Cooties anyways?

The Cooties find the name of the next hotel. It’s Excalibur. After they find the name of the hotel, the Cooties yell their way back to their limousine leaving the Rednecks scrambling to find the word. #2 Jake yells out some words of encouragement to the Rednecks. “See you later clowns”. I’m hoping this wasn’t targeted to the Rednecks because if it was, Mama and Papa Cooties have some explaining to do. Even with their early success, the Cooties are stuck in traffic.

Mama Redneck’s excuse about not finding the hotel name is that she’s a Redneck. Let me get this straight, this is how you justify your ignorance? Congratulations, you just perpetuated the stereotype. Excalibur isn’t that much of a strange word. Your son plays video game doesn’t he? Remember that book? Didn’t you pass a bunch of hotels anyway? I mean this whole road trip wasn’t just going to be about the country you know. Mama Redneck figures out that the word is “Excalibur” because it’s a type of gun. If it doesn’t kill something, it’s not worth remembering right Mama?

Mama Cooties tells us that she found the word Excalibur really quickly because she’s been there before. Hum…cheating? Why do the Cooties always have an advantage at every challenge? The Cooties were just flying through the next clue. They basically had to form the name of a hotel from the letters that came up on the daggers that were stuck on this fictitious rock.The next hotel was Mandalay Bay. As soon as they were done, they got all gangsta for a second. They ran to their limo and once inside, Jake and Cassidy stuck their head out the window and just hollered at everyone. They grabbed their crotches and just spewed profanities…ok not the last part. They were claiming that they were the shit, they “runned” the whole trip and they were the kings of the road. Ya son, they’re the shit! Typically you would see a black guy and his posse just bragging about the “dimes” they can get and all the money they got in the bank. It was kinda like that minus the black people.

Just as the Cooties were leaving, the Rednecks pulled up right behind them. HAHAHAHAHA!

The Rednecks quickly solve the dagger clue too. They flew through this clue because Mama Redneck remembered seeing the Mandalay Bay hotel. See! All you need to do is to pay attention to your surroundings. Pfft, I spit on your I-get-lost-in-my-small-city-and-I’m-a-redneck nonsense. The Cooties, who were back in traffic, saw the Rednecks finish the clue and hop back into their limousine. Ha! Is the traffic that bad? The Cooties don’t understand how the Rednecks are that close. The producers are finally taking out their magic wand. It’s about time you made this show slightly interesting.

Both families arrive at the hotel at the same time. Each family gets a card which will lead them to the room where both fathers will be. Both families are just running towards that room. Who’s going to make it first? Minions hurry up; she’ll whip you if you don’t win.

The winners of the challenge are…the Rednecks. It’s about time. Sidekick Cooties was about to cry. The Rednecks win 500$ and the luxurious Vegas room as their reward. Mama Cooties arrives with her posse. Cassidy is crying and #2 Jake is yelling about how much their loss sucks. Sore losers?? Indeed. To be honest, I should have known that the Rednecks won because Mama Redneck was doing her confession in a room in the hotel. Wanna know how I know this show sucks?

The Rednecks wanted all the families to join them in the room they can’t afford. I’m pretty sure the Disalvatore didn’t need to be asked. They probably wanted to crash too. “Ya, we’ll take da sofas!!” they would say. The Cooties, on the other hand, didn’t want to join. They rather stay in their RV. WOW! Seriously? For all the times they had to watch you guys jump and holler at every King of the Road challenge. For all the times they had to look at those stupid King of the Road challenge made-in-tawain-will-break in-one-day crowns that you have displayed on your dashboards.

This is how you guys react to one loss? Pathetic! World domination over!

Papa Cooties: “Gee Mama, what do you want to do tonight?”
Mama Cooties: “The same thing we do every night, Papa–try to take over the world!”

The Disalvatores didn’t refuse the invitation though…