The Great American Road Trip: Cootie Bootie Fail

Previously on The Great American Road Trip, the Cooties were overthrown!! This calls for a celebration!!! People are already celebrating on Route 66 and burning effigies of Mama Cooties. The brutal leader has been dethroned! Take out the champagne and your guns!! We’re gonna party like it’s 1999!!

We finally saw the Cooties lose their shit over ONE loss. Mama Cooties, the mastermind behind the Cooties Empire, demoted #2 Jake to #3.

NBC tortured me with a non-elimination episode. I said “me” because I know I’m the only one watching this stupid show. In this episode, one family is definitely going home. Thank god, because if there wasn’t elimination, I would have taken them out myself…Redneck style!!

The families leave Las Vegas for Boulder City, Nevada for the next King of the Road challenge. Thank you NBC. Make this episode quick and snappy so that I can get on with my life.

Mama Cooties states (AGAIN) that the road trip has become a game. No Madame, it’s a fucking circus. You’re all freaks and I’m recapping your acts. Act #1 is the Redneck family from Alabama that’s completely detached from the modern world. Act #2 is the Italian mother with her good-for-nothing husband and her lazy sons. Act #3 is you Mama Cooties: the evil mastermind who plans to take over the competition…and than the world (add diabolical laugh here)! You’re almost like the Spartans in this road trip minus the swords and the army. Yes, you’re all circus freaks and we spent a whole summer watching you guys do stuff. We were not entertained (throwing popcorn on my computer screen).

The Disalvatores really want to win the King of the Road challenge. I think you should set your sights on winning PERIOD. You guys haven’t one anything on this road trip and I’m astonished that you’ve even made it this far. Blake really wants to win because he wants that walmart-bought crown the Cooties have been hording all this time. He also wants that bumper sticker and the pillow that comes with it. That’s when Syl scrunches up his face in this “that’s what you r-e-a-l-l-y want???” kind of way. Am I agreeing with Princess Sylvia? Oh my god! What is going on? To be honest it’s a stupid crown. If you really want to win something, try to save your behind so that you can at least make it to the finals. If you want one that badly you can make that crown yourself. I know Reno got most of his material from Toys”R”Us.

Allen tells her boys that if they win the King of the Road challenge, they won’t need to buy her a birthday card or a present ever again. Allen, have they ever given you cards? Because you seem like the kind of mother who slips post-its around the house with a gentle-reminder of “that special day (insert your birthday here)”. Syl warns Allen that she might want to reconsider her offer because if her sacrifice stands, than he’s going to have to “bring it”. Bring what? You brought a whole lot of nothing on this trip. You wouldn’t want the other families to be scared of your non-wrath would you? Syl wants Valentines day included in the pact! You might also want to add mother’s day and Christmas. OH, and don’t forget Bastille day. Allen puts it in writing and the pact is done.

King of the Road challenge time!! The families are asked to step out of their RV and to hop into these cars…mafia style. They don’t know where they’re going, but they can sense that they’re going to have their kneecaps broken. They drive their way to the next challenge. It looks like they’re going to be doing some zip-lining but they must first walk all the way to the top of the deserted mountain under the blistering sun to their next challenge. Sorry guys, the producers didn’t have enough money to carry your asses to the top. NBC budget baby!!!

The Disalvatore are all gasping for air as they walk up the deserted hill. You have no excuse and the “big city” nonsense won’t work either! You can’t drive in New-York! It’s WAY to hectic. You could catch a cab but I believe the service is limited in Boulder City. “Our feet belong on sidewalks and streets” Allen tells us. The same goes for dirty cabs, elevators, and metros. Note: all these things are made-man. You’re racist against nature. You disgust me!

Challenge time finally! The winners of this challenge will have a spot in the finals. I actually want the Cooties to lose so that they can REALLY lose their shits. I mean there’s nothing worse than knowing that with all those wins, you can still lose…and that’s only because you effed up once! I also want to see Mama Cooties’ head explode.

The families will get on the zip-lines and carry some bags filled with paint. Below the zipline, there are targets with the contestants faces.

A family member wins a point when he or she hits the target. The more targets the family hits, the more points the family receives. The family with the most points wins. What’s the catch Reno? None of these challenges don’t have a rule that the Cooties can’t twist. If any family member chickens out, they are automatically in the bottom two. The Moms are up first.

Blake Disalvatore is already starting to shake. Oh no, c’mon kid! You won’t need to buy your mom presents and if you add that up, your saving around 10 000$. Trust me! As you get older, the presents get expensive. When you were younger, she wanted your drawings; as you get older, she wants that jaguar or a one-day visit to a spa. Not just any spa; she wants to go to the most expensive spa in the city. In New-York, that stuff isn’t cheap. THINK ABOUT IT!

Allen knows that her boys won’t do the challenge and that’s when Mama Redneck turns around and pulls out her mama whip. “Those boys are going to do it” she says. That’s when Allen replies:

Mama Redneck, Allen knows a lot of things. She’s their servant. Allen also knows that the boys don’t like chewing their carrots but they also don’t really like the taste of purée. So, Allen usually chews up the carrots for that mushy crunchy feeling and spits them back into their plate. Aww, royalty!

How are the mothers doing? Mama Redneck is nervous, Allen doesn’t care, and Mama Cooties has her gun charged ready to “kill” the competition. It’s the adrenaline she tells us. No, I’m pretty sure it’s crack!

The competition begins and Allen forgets that she has to drop some balls. Mama Redneck is just letting hers drop and Mama Cooties mathematically assesses when and how she should drop those balls. She was defeated by the structure in the forecourt at the gas station last week and she’s not about to let mathematics fool her again. Mama Cooties succeeds and she’s the only one who actually hits a target.

Reno plays favorites and runs to Queen Cooties to ask her if she had any trouble with this competition. She replies that it wasn’t scary at all. How dare he question her strength!

Reno high-fives Dragon Cooties and out of politeness he high-fives the no-scoring-losers Allen and Mama Redneck. As he high-fives Mama Redneck, she’s about to go on one of her dissertation about how great the competition was; but, as she’s about to read her thesis statement, Reno walks away. You’re not worthy Mama Redneck.

It’s the youngest kids turn. Anslie and Jake come up but baby Blake can’t seem to sum up the courage to do the competition. He can’t do it. He’s gonna choke! He’s gonna choke. OH SHIT…he’s gonna CHOKE! Anslie decides to call his dad over. No Anslie, wrong one! He’s gonna tell him to quit…call his other father. “SYLVIO, YOUR SON’S WIMPING OUT!!!” Anslie said. Hahahahaha touché Anslie.

Sylvio cheers for his son from afar. “YOU CAN DO IT!” he tells him. Blake explains that its way too high. Blake who I thought was scared of heights, says as he squeezes his butt-cheeks to not let shit come out: “I can but I don’t want too”. He drinks out of his water bottle like he’s way too good for this competition. Please straighten this kid up before he reaches his teen years. I see him in a circle with his college peers and he’s assigned some part in a project and he pulls that bullshit line: “I can but I don’t want too”. I just see him later on in life with a wife. She asks him to pick up the trash and he’s going to use that line: “I can but I don’t want too”. Don’t use that line! We know you’re scared. Now get on that zip-line!! Your parents have some bills to pay!

Sylvio finally reaches Blake. He tells him to do the challenge. Aww, finally! That’s the Sylvio I wanted to see. Blake tells his father that he’s going to miss the targets and Sylvio explains that it doesn’t matter. As long as he does the challenge, they willl be ok. Aww…finally Sylvio! It’s about time…it’s about time we see you do something like this.

Blake admits that his dad wouldn’t normally do something like this so it gave him the extra boost to do the competition. Enough sappy talk! Win the challenge. The kids did very well. Jake hits one, Anslie hits one and Blake hits two like his father predicted. See, if you were much more involved Sylvio, things would be better. Now about the other father’s in this continent who skipped on their parental duties…

The teens finish their turn and Aaron and Mason each scored one point putting the Disalvatore in the lead. They can actually win this. Allen, did you really think trading your birthday present was necessary. Free spa woman!! You can’t pass that up.

It’s the fathers’ turn. Sylvio is going to do the challenge so that he can finally prove that he reattached his penis. No more saline water for Sylvio Jr. Mama Cooties’ Monosyllabic Sidekick knows that the minions failed so he has to be pick up the slack. Good luck!

Sylvio is scared. He keeps mentioning that he’s from the Bronx like it justifies something. Somehow people from the Bronx are exempt from heights. Igloo people…take notes!!! Out of nowhere, to mock Sylvio, the Monosyllabic Sidekick says in a very thick new-yorker accent: “I’m going to shit my pants like a little girl”. Hahahahahah really?? And Allen was saying that your personality was similar to one of a rock. I get it now. You know you can’t cheat in this competition so you resort to intimidation. Gotcha! No need to be snarky; I don’t think you’ll win this one.

We don’t see the scores but we see a petrified Sylvio reach the other side of the platform. It’s priceless. Picture a Sylvio without a “tan” with his eyes as big as an owl grabbing on to the rope like a cat does at the sight of water. Ya, like that:

The rope pulls him back and he starts shitting his pants. As he reaches the platform everyone congratulates him but slowly pull away. He really did shit his pants. So who wins?? The Pollards scored 2 points. They are in the bottom! It’s between the Disalvatore and the Cooties…and guess who wins?? THE DISALVATORE FROM THE BRONX!! HOLLA AT YOUR GIRL SON!!! They finally won something. Blake, take out the champagne, you just save 10 000$.

Blake won it but you really have to give some credit to Syl for encouraging his son.

The Cooties are in the bottom! HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!! Oh my god!! Let the self destruction begin.

The Cooties aren’t saying anything. This is their first End of the Road challenge. Mama Cooties tells us that it’s her job to whip them back into their superior state. She has to break them down emotionally and physically. She has the brainwashing tapes ready.

Blake gets the crown because of his efforts in the challenge. Hate them if you must but that crown they’re holding was the most important crown. Mason compares his family to the tortoise and the hare…wait…not so fast. You’re safe…you didn’t win. Don’t let this win eff you over. Did we forget that you will have to compete against another family? The hare hasn’t been chosen yet.

The families are making another stop at a place we don’t care about because the purpose of this show is to showcase attractions on route 66 but none of these attractions are on route 66 anyway. In other words, this is bullshit. The families are heading to Oatman Arizona. The town is overrun by burros. Reno tells us that the difference between a burro and a donkey is… the spelling (crickets!!). We hear the cameraman coughing. The audio team is asleep. Reno waits for a response. Nope, still nothing. He nervously laughs it off. Reno you’re better off stealing another comedian’s material at this point because I can’t bare recapping another of your stupid jokes.

Where are they going? They are literally driving on this dirt road in the middle of nowhere. The families are literally ready to back up and go back on the REAL Route 66. I’m ready to skip the educational part of this show.

The burros are literally every where. Mama Redneck asks #3 Jake if they’re supposed to touch them and he says no. “Why are you touching them then?” Because…he’s…a…kid?? Weren’t you a child once? Apparently those donkey-looking-four-legged-midget-horses bite. I know that because Jake keeps repeating it in his freakishly raspy voice. This is the raspiest it has ever been. Wow, these kids start young…hey Jake, get off the jesus juice why don’t ya.

Eating time right??? They’re always eating. The Disalvatore walk into this western-looking restaurant with money glued to the wall. Yo guys, forget the 100 000$! Snatch that money and RUN!

65 000$ is glued to the wall. Snatch some and RUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!! The tradition started 80 yrs ago. When men wanted to drink without having their wives take their money, they would glue their money on the wall. Ya, only men can come up with something stupid like that. What if someone took your money? In male logic, if someone takes your money you beat him up…then you get arrested…and then your wife has to pick your sorry ass up from the police station and then you would have to explain to her what happened…and then she’d ask you how much money you got left because she knows you had money. You wouldn’t be going to a bar if you didn’t right? What are you going to tell her? Well for one, you’re going to have to admit that you a) had some money and you’re going to have to disclose how much you had, and B) you will have to admit that you drank a lot that night (but your wife figured that out when she picked you up from the police station). Yup, men never really think things through after all.

The Disalvatore stapled their money to the wall as well. Question: What would happen if that place burned down?

The families head to the End of the Road challenge at Soggy Dry Lake which is near California. On their way there, Mama Redneck pulls out a raccoon hat. We get it! You’re Rednecks! I called you out in the first episode.

“You know a Redneck is going to win a challenge when it has a dead animal on top of his head” Mama Redneck tells us. I have theory as well: you know a Redneck isn’t going to make it to an End of the Road challenge with a raccoon hat on top of her head if PETA has something to say about it. I wonder how they’re digesting your choice of headwear. Papa Redneck isn’t buying Mama Redneck’s new fond appreciation of her hillbilly-Redneck side. It starts with a hat and then pretty soon she will disclose that Papa Redneck is actually her brother. The hat is to help them kick some “Cootie Bootie”. Please drop it!

Mama Redneck gets out of the RV with that atrocity on top of her head to join the Cooties at the gas station. Papa Cooties just leans next to his RV and looks at her; he’s giving her all the attention she’s desperately seeking. He says he likes it. “Especially with that camel on top of your head” he says. HAHAHAHA, that’s two in one episode but your still an effing idiot! The only time Papa Cooties opens his mouth is to say something either mean or just plain nasty.

They’re eating again at apple…well figure it out. The Cooties have their own separate table. The brainwashing isn’t complete. The brainwashing fails the minute the minions come in contact with another family.

Mama Redneck, who’s in everyone business ALL of a sudden, starts commenting on the Cooties parenting skills. She noticed that they ration their children’s food before competitions and after competitions. You’re doing that talking-out-of-your-ass-because-you-think-you-know-something-when-you-really-don’t again but this time there’s nobody to correct you. If you haven’t noticed, some of these competitions are physically strenuous. You can’t have kids eating ribs and fives eggs if they’re going to be running around in circles under the blistering sun. I wouldn’t want one of my children to have a cramp because she couldn’t help but to eat 2 plates of fries. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be dehydrated because I let her drink that whole can of pepsi. Ladies and gentlemen, this is why obesity is on the rise. You can say no to your kids…you ARE the parent! Oh, one more thing…shut up Mama Redneck! Thank you!

End of the Road challenge time!!!

What’s the challenge? There’s a bunch of cars in the world’s worst parking lot. There’s a red radio shack car parked within the lots (third crappy product placement of the season). The families must get that radio shack car out of the lot in the backside near the RV’s. The cars only move forwards and backwards. OUCH, this competition looks brutal!! The Mom’s and dad’s do the driving and the kids are doing the puzzles. The kids have mobile phones to communicate with their parents. The competition is going to be very hard for the Cooties’ kids. I’m not saying their kids are stupid, I mean they get brainwashed every night, but this competition is next level intense and I don’t see the Cootie kids nailing it. They are very young. After Reno does his thing, Mama Cooties slowly loses her shit. The brainwashing did nothing and she knows it.

The Cooties struggle at first but somehow come up with a plan…thanks to the kids. Aaron also seemed to be doing a good job until he self-destructs. Anslie had a plan which seemed to work but no one is listening to her. Note, she gave directions to her father multiple times and nobody cared…this isn’t really a surprise Anslie. I know you’re smart.

The Cooties only have one car left to move and in a matter of minutes, they destroy the Redneck. The Cooties won the End of the Road challenge. The brainwashing worked. Wait a second…a 9 and 12yrs beat a 12yrs and 17yrs? Congratulations Rednecks you’ve examplified every redneck stereotype in ONE EPISODE!

The Cooties over-celebrate as usual but the whole thing rubs the families the wrong way…Is the Tyranahsaurus getting something interesting to recap?

The Redneck kids are crying…literally. Aaron is pissed that he got schooled by 9 and 12 yrs. I think Baby Rico said something about that a couple episodes back. He didn’t know whether he was as mature as Aaron or if Aaron was a kid at heart. There’s your answer baby. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong about being schooled by a 9 and 12yrs…but there will always be a jackass who won’t let you forget it. Exhibit A: Papa Cooties. Papa Cooties doesn’t shy away; he blatantly tells Reno that his children schooled an 18yrs. The kids belt out this maniacal laugh and Mama Cooties puts her hands together and says “exxxxxx-cellent”. Not everyone likes puzzles…but man, Aaron…you got schooled HARD! Mama Redneck is on the verge of tears as well. Cootie Bootie??? No?? You don’t want to kick some Cootie Bootie anymore? Well you know what happens to people who can’t kick some bootie…they end up kissing it!! Pucker up Mama, it won’t be pretty.

The Disalvatore come out to say goodbye. The Rednecks contemplate on taking a real vacation…and I WON’T NEED TO RECAP IT!

The Cooties say goodbye to the Redneck by giving them a standing ovation for their “successful” trek on this road trip. What should have been a good act was ruined by our favorite monosyllabic numbskull. Mama Cooties’ monosyllabic sidekick says: “Now we got the Disals, they’re next. The Disals are next”. Third time’s the charm. The third one really struck a nerve with the other families.

Allen says that they shouldn’t underestimate the DiSalvatores! Give over it Amy. Your win today was a fluke. All families start talking smack. “Don’t talk; they talked last challenge and they lost” says someone who I believe is Mason.

After the trash talk, the “Disals” congratulate the Cooties for their win which Mama Cooties believe is fake. Thank you captain obvious. You shouldn’t have shaken their hand; it’s a fake thank you for a fake congratulation. Papa Cooties and Syl brush shoulders and start getting all smart on each other. Oh god…not in front of the kids.

Well typically I’d add the eliminated families’ picture at the end of the recap but the producers didn’t really care about the Rednecks. Ya…same here!!