Great American Road Trip: The Tornadoes in Kansas are Racist Against Italians

Previously on the Great American Road Trip, we realized that our friends in the country are only amused by banjos, corn, route 66 and the “Concrete”. Since the families humiliated themselves last week at the King of the Road Challenge/Talent Show, no family was sent home. The top three families of the King of the Road challenge participated in the reward challenge for a trip that none of us care about. The Cooties won…again! At the very end of the episode, Mama Redneck swore that she was gonna cut some Cootie Balls. Thank god!

Reno tells us that we’re still in Carthage Missouri…urgh..really?? Mama Faves feels pressured to win. Her family is always at the bottom of the pack. Honestly, your family just sucks. Your family could win all of these challenges but your internal troubles are pushing your family behind.

The families are now heading to the Kansas border. Sylvia tells his family that Italians don’t go to Kansas. Apparently, flying houses always land on Italians. I wish I was making this up but I’m not. No matter how catty I am, even I couldn’t come up with this bullshit. Let’s rationalize Sylvia’s theory shall we? If I understand this man correctly, houses can fly. We all know houses don’t fly. Only a very strong force could lift up a house and that force is wind. The only way a house can fly is through a tornado. If I also understand this man’s theory correctly, tornadoes make houses fly and they always end up on some Italian’s head. Conclusion: the tornadoes in Kansas are racist against Italians. I really wish I could make this up. While we’re at it, the Irish better stay away from Canada. Snow always targets the Irish. Ever wondered why a Polish family’s driveway is always clean but an Irish’s driveway is snowed-in as shit?…it’s because of Snow-ism!

The families will be heading to Independence, Kansas. This is the city where Laura Ingalls, from Little House on the Prairie lived in. This information is…riveting?

Back to the Rednecks’ compound, Anslie is giving directions to her father and he’s not listening…AGAIN! In the Disalvatores rolling crib, Allen informs us that there is one peculiar song that is well-known to Kansas. It’s that “Home on the Rain” song that I’ve heard but never cared for. Mason and Blake don’t know the song so Allen decides to sing it to us. That’s when I get nauseous. My ears pop relentlessly from her pitchy and nasally rendition of the song. Every high notes she misses causes my stomach to violently contract.

The Ricos painfully sing along to the song. Daddy Cooties wants the whole family to sing and Jake gives him that “Hell naaaaaah…” look. Jake sounds like Darth Vader with his balls cut off so I’m glad he refused to sing.The Redneck family aren’t quite sure what Little House on the Prairie is. Quite frankly, I don’t know how I know this Little House on the Prairie none sense. We only have two television channels in the igloo.

Mama Redneck does something that completely irritates me. She tries to explain the main plot of this little house on the prairie nonsense to Anslie by “quoting” a saying from the book. It has something to do with “John boy”. Note: There’s no reference of a “John Boy” in the novel. She then asks her husband if in fact the expression “John Boy” was in the story. She then questions herself and quickly follows-up the previous question with another asking if “John Boy” is even a character in the book. I hate when people say something with conviction when they know that they’re full of shit. I also REALLY hate it when once they know they’re wrong they ask other people to justify their stupidity. You have never read the book let alone watched the televised series so be a good mom Mama Redneck and admit that you know nothing about the Little House on the Prairie . I’ll admit it; I fell asleep after the first 10 minutes of the show and I couldn’t even read the damn book. There! I admitted it! Papa Redneck tells her that this expression is really from The Waltons. To justify her stupidity (again!), she claims that they’re alike. Huh…than wouldn’t they have the same title? Lady, listen! I make a lot of typos in all of my recaps and I’m woman enough to admit it. You can do the same!

They’re finally in Kansas. Mama Cooties reads that there were 200 tornadoes last year in Kansas. DAMN! In the Disalvatores’ shack, Sylvia is scared because he knows he’s in some Italian-hating territory. The tornadoes can sense his presence. Sylvia points towards a tornado-ravaged house. He prays for his fallen Italian comrade. Allen tells us that Sylvia is easily distracted when he’s driving. I think he’s scared shitless. He’s knows he’s going to be hit by some mansion since tornadoes always reserve the bigger houses to the biggest Italian d-bags. Rather than turn left, Sylvia stops to look at the remains of the tornado’s wrath. You’re completely useless, just turn left already! Allen is screaming again! I can’t afford to have another punctured eardrum.

Mama Rico reads that Laura Ingalls had a job at 15 to help her family. Wow she’s the 1869′s version of Michael Jackson! Like I always say: “Once a cash cow, always a cash cow”. Danielle Rico knows what I’m talking about because she rolls her eyes to that Laura Ingalls child-labor nonsence. Huh…Mama Rico, nowadays, supporting your family at 15 is nothing to be proud of. Before Dani could even support your ass she has to graduate from high school and then she has to go to college (which you will pay). After she’s done all of that, she will have to get a job and find a way, like the rest of her generation and mine, to pay back that debt that your generation and your parents’ generation has created because of your useless spending, loans and on the mortgages you couldn’t afford. IF I WERE HER, I’d tell you to f-off!

Mama Faves can’t wait to see the little house on the prairie in real life. For a second, I thought she was suffering from the Mama Redneck syndrome: the talking-about-shit-you’ve-never-seen-or-read-itus. Ashley Faves asks if they are still alive to which she responds that they are all dead. I’m guessing Baby girl Fave wasn’t told about the whole death thing because she asks her mom in a tiny trembling voice if they really are all dead. Just tell her before your family dog dies. I strongly encourage you to watch that The King of Queens episode where Doug finally realizes that his dog died at least 3 times. Classic!

We get some footage of Sylvia saying that he always wanted to see Kansas and he’s finally there. He also says that he always wandered what the prairies were and now he knows. Hey editors, if your trying to make Sylvia annoying, you don’t need to cut and paste something that he said randomly in his RV…we get it…he’s weird!

They finally get to the little house on the prairie. Mama Redneck admires and gushes about the Ingalls family and how each family member pulls their weight around the house when the eldest of the Pollard (Aaron) reminds Mama Redneck that she doesn’t know how to cook. It doesn’t surprise me. Forget paprika! She can only mix her blue and green eye-shadow. Plus, this whole thing is fake so get over it.

Suddenly, there’s another gun shot and strangely the family jumps up. Don’t you have guns or did you leave it behind for the trip? Aren’t you supposed to get used to the gun shots? We get various montages of the family enjoying the scenery and the activities until there’s another gun shot during Mama Redneck’s confessional. Apparently they killed a possum. Ok, this is a bit to hick for me..

The Disalvatores also arrive at the little house on the prairie and Allen is again destroying my ear socket with her nasally rendition of the “Home on the Rain”. The actor greets the family and asks them where they are from. They obviously say they’re from New-York because Sylvia never forgets to mention it. The actor who is still in character by the way, talks about the construction of the Brooklyn Bridge. Sylvia doesn’t want to hear it. Oh no sir, they are not from BROOK-LYN muthafucka; they are from the BRONX with the likes of Jenny From the Block and Fat Joe. RECOGNIZE hillbilly! I’m assuming that clan-mentality in New-York wasn’t as prevalent in the 1800s??

Blake lets us know that the Ingalls are making raccoon soup. YUCK! They also meet some guy with a raccoon hat who tells them that he built the well that they are looking at. HAHA riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…Anyways, Allen is amazed by it all. The impersonator needs help with his digging so he turns to Sylvia. Sylvia tells Blake to tell the impersonator a known Disalvatores’ fact. Blake tells the raccoon-hat wearing actor, with some embarrassment, that his mom does everything. Huh kid, he’s working with a script; he’s not the social worker. Sylvia jokes that he should go back there often. He also wants to teach Mr. Ingalls how he can get his wife to build the well. And while he’s done doing that, he should pop out the babies from his dick and wear tight pink thongs and let his hair long. Sylvia knows everything about that.

What annoys me with him isn’t so much that he taught Allen how to make her do shit. What annoys me is that he picked the most insecure woman in the world. She was probably afraid of not being married or having children so she landed on him…precious Sylvia. She thought to herself: “Heck, I don’t have anybody and he’s not the best guy ever but if I just stick with it he will come around”. Here she is, 20 some years later, embarrassed and humiliated on national T.V.

The families are heading to the Red Buffalo Ranch in Sedan Kansas for a cook-out. In the Faves’ RV, Papa Faves commits the biggest relationship suicides when he tells his wife that he stayed in a farm in Louisiana with a woman he almost married but turned down since he didn’t want to live the country life. He didn’t want to hay and stuff. Nice one! While you’re at it, tell your wife what her bust and hip measurements were before your marriage.

It looks like the Disalvatores’ RV is low on fuel but just like the woman that he is, Sylvia doesn’t see a thing. Sylvia doesn’t want to look at the gas tank because if he does, the RV will crash. Dude, don’t listen to her! Keep looking at that gas tank because I want you to crash but leave the kids out of this; they can still be saved. Sylvia has a better idea. He will put the car on neutral and make Allen push the car to the gas station. I hope this is all a joke.

Sylvia says that Allen is trying to find something to obsess over and this time it’s the fuel. Allen spots a gas station but Sylvia isn’t having it. He tells her to jump off and get the gas instead. Allen, be a man…oops! Never mind! You assumed that role and you failed. Mason isn’t impressed and he warns his father that he will be pushing the car if it breaks. Finally we have an adult here.

The Rico’s seem to be enjoying the scenery. Mama and Papa Rico exchange their love for each other and…for…the scenery…Yawn!! Boring! Ricardo says that he wants to just keep on trucking. Again, BORING! I’ve noticed that you guys don’t even seem to care about it all. You’re taking all of this in this “happy go lucky” fashion and it’s just boring. Mama Rico, as usual, compliments her husband on his driving. Why must you stroke his ego every time and all the time? While you’re at it, why don’t you compliment the way he puts his glasses on his face or the fact that he actually aims for the toilet.

The families finally get to the Red Buffalo Ranch. Reno greets the families next to a barbecue. I know he ate before they got there. He’s explaining that there will be a cookout at the end of the day. He says that nothing else makes him more excited than fire and meat. I was gonna say food in general but…it’s whatever. Reno lifts up 3/4 of a pound of meat and says that he usually scrunches it up and masturbates to it. Just kidding! He actually talks to it. His wife tells him that he should get help…and probably a divorce. Reno gently puts the meat on the grill and whispers sweet nothings to it. He warns the family that they have to wait for it…because IT’S the King of the Road challenge.

Each dad has 30 minutes to cook up a batch of burgers. They must be grilled and dressed. Everybody else must eat and rate each burger. The family with the best burger will win the grill of all grills: the Webber Summit. WOW! If their parenting skills haven’t been doubted yet, this is the challenge that might determine who feeds their goddamn kids. Sylvia sighs in disbelief. He was hoping for a hair maintenance challenge.

The families with the worse burgers will compete at the End of the Road challenge. Someone is definitely going home.

Little Blake is concerned about his health and everybody else’s so he asks Reno if Sylvia has to cook. Everyone laughs but the seriousness in Blake’s voice cannot be avoided. The kid is serious. A man who can’t cook is common but a man who can’t grill? Isn’t that the manliest thing that a man can do? Besides, Allen is the real man of the family. She cut off Sylvia’s wang and taped it on hers. Reno says that every dad has to cook a burger. Bottom three for the Disalvatores…it’s been fun!

Blake says that he just wished he could mold his mom into his dad. It’s already been done kid! Allen tells Sylvia to not overcook the burgers but a panicky Sylvia needs more tips. He doesn’t even know when the meat is cooked. Allen says that it has to be a little pink inside. EWWWW, you guys eat you burger’s slightly raw?? In the igloo, you can’t afford to have beef slightly raw because it stinks up the little hole we use as a toilet.

The competition begins!!! Lenny is very confident that he will win the competition. Ya, you said that last time! Sylvia gets to the table and just stands there. He tells us that he doesn’t know his spices…he just eats stuff. Sylvia doesn’t know what he’s looking for either. He just picks up an apple and eats it. He picks up some balsamic vinaigrette because he ate some before but other than that, Sylvia doesn’t really do much. I’m sure he doesn’t know what an onion is either.

Papa Faves is doing REALLY good. He’s working on his burgers and he’s spicing them and adding the necessary vegetables for the burger. Papa Cooties, Monts, Rednecks and Rico are doing very well as well. But Sylvia isn’t even making the burgers for everybody; he’s just making his own damn burger because he’s taking care of number one! His shit!

Papa Faves who just wants to win, is talking to himself and just looking plain crazy. But with all this contemplation, he lets the burger cook beyond recognition. This is not a surprise to me. The Faves and the Disalvatores always eff themselves over. They are always preoccupied with useless shit.

Papa Rico, somehow, under estimated how much time he had to do the burgers so he’s racing against the clock. Again, like I said last week, the Ricos don’t really care about it all so every mistake is a happy mistake. YAWN!

It’s eating time!!!! Papa Rico realized that his burgers aren’t cooked so he’s screwed. Burger A is the Mont’s burger. It gets mixed reviews. Burger B is flavorless according to our judges. Ricky Rico liked B; it’s his favorite. Mama Rico didn’t like it at all. The Disalvatores liked it…they love it!…and it happens to be Sylvia’s! HA!!! Nice job fuck-up! Burger C is Papa Rico’s burger. People don’t like it. It’s raw. Burger D is the Cooties burger and according to Mama Cooties she knows it’s his burger because the buns are slightly burned. How many challenges are you going to scam your way through? Play by the rules. Burger D is Papa Faves burger. The Rednecks just want to hurl and they don’t even touch it. Mama Fave spits out that very same burger. It was dry without flavor according to Mama Faves. Burger F is Papa Redneck’s burger and all the families seem to like it. Honestly, they all look gross!

Score time!!! Burger B is the first burger to get the beating. The Faves thought it had no flavor and it was dry. The Disalvatores loved it though. It got 24 out of 60 and it belonged to Sylvia. He should be happy; I was expecting a one digit score. The second burger is apparently not quite done according to the Cooties. It only got 28 out of 60…the burger belongs to the Ricos!!! Again, they don’t care; it’s a learning experience (add a fake smile). The final burger which was described as bad by the Faves and scored 26 out of 60 belongs to….the Faves. BURN! So the auto-effers and the care-frees are in the bottom three. The winner of the King of the Road challenge is…the Cooties????…AGAIN???? WTF????? This show is rigged. I’m super annoyed right now.

The Cooties are reeking cockiness and I’m not impressed.

I usually don’t like to agree with Mimi from the Drew Carey show but even she knows that the Cooties reign of terror must be put to an end. She thinks that they lack humility and class. We get a montage of the Cooties family just giving each other high-fives. Stop complaining paper-bag face! You didn’t stop raving about how nice the Best Western hotel was and nobody, except for me, got on your case so get over yourself!

Papa Faves feels very bad and he’s rubbing his hand in despair…I know it’s the international sign for “oh shit, I’m going to need some money fast” or “Damn, I’m going to be broke”.

Back in the RVs, Sylvia assumes his role as the mama of the household. How? By cleaning up the RV. He realized that his douchiness is probably going to cost him the 100 000$ and he also realizes that he lost his penis a while ago. He’s starting to help a lot more according to Allen. Awww…and all because of a shitty burger.

The families are now leaving Sedan to make their way to the Tallgrass Prairie Preserve. We spend a good 5 minutes looking at some buffalos and nothing but buffalos! Hooray for buffalos!! Woo hoo!!!! I’m being sarcastic by the way. Reno probably took them there so he can eat a whole one. Mama Redneck said she wants to catch one. I saw a warning sign. These things don’t look to people-friendly but hey, be my guest. As they step out of the car, everyone is stepping on buffalo dung. I’m getting the impression that it’s worse than horse feces. Yuck! The Monts really wanted to see buffalos…yawn snore!!!! Papa Redneck wants to eat one…finish your possum first!

The families head out to Applebees for some lunch. Mama Faves tells us that the “honeymoon” is over. Every family is divided into two cliques. Big Brother anyone? There are three families in each group. The Rednecks, Disalvatores and the Ricos are in one group (REALLY???); and, the rest are in the other. You know what, it sorta works. All these women have issues. Mama Rico tries to mold her husband into this Mexican Superman. Mama Redneck obviously has body issues because of the pile of makeup she paints on her face. She probably scrapes off her makeup with a scalpel. And Allen…Allen is the most annoying wife in the world. I can’t figure out what would possibly bind the other group together though.

All the families get a gift card from Applebees after their lunch is done. Stop with the promotion! I’m still not going to eat there.

The kids however seem to be enjoying themselves. Baby Ricky (Ricos) tells us that he enjoys Aaron’s (Redneck) company. There’s a nine year age gap between the two. He doesn’t quite know if he’s as mature as Aaron, or if Aaron is suffering from some Peter-Pan complex. Ouch, that’s two references to MJ in one recap…BEAT THAT OR “BEAT IT”!

The next challenge is taking place in Amarillo, Texas. The Ricos are ready for this challenge. The Disalvatores are getting ready as well. Sylvia says that he has to get his family “out of this situation”. Good luck! You should have done that the minute you said your vows. The Faves are dealing with an injury. It turns out that Ashley has sprained her thumb. I don’t think you daughter is some pivotal component to your win today so this shouldn’t affect your performance. Princess Faves doesn’t want ice for her thumb but water and a peanut butter sandwich cut in four. Oh ya…her thumb is definitely “sprained”.

The Ricos are from Texas. I have this weird feeling that they are the ones who are going to get the boot. Getting the boot in your home state makes your travel home less laborious and it’s obviously cheaper for the producers. Mama Rednecks says she doesn’t want the Ricos or Disalvatores to be eliminated today. She is wearing purple and blue to pledge her alliance to each family. Really?? You may claim that the Cooties have no class but you are completely alienating one family. Do you have a color for the Faves? No you don’t. Cheer for every family instead of those two; that’s what I call class.

It’s the End of the Road challenge! Reno greets the families. Rather than talk about the states’ exploits, he talks about steak. I got flack for making “Reno fat-jokes” two weeks ago; but, when you have a guy talking about food and also looking like he raided a buffet, the jokes come naturally. Plus Reno goes on to say that he loves Texas because everything is bigger there including their steak. What else is big in Texas?

The challenge is to put every big item in the small Texas shaped platform. The family must also be on the platform with the items to win the challenge. The family who takes the longest to complete the challenge will be eliminated. Wait a second, this challenge isn’t fair…how are you going to fit Mama Rico’s big boobs and Allen’s thunder thighs on that platform with all those other “big things”.

The Ricos are first. The family seems to be doing well but Ricardo banged himself on a post or something. It really looks bad. He’s hopping and yelling in pain. It took them 4 minutes and 20 second to complete the challenge.

The Faves are up next. Oh boy…this is going to be a complete disaster and…it…it’s not? The Faves do the exact same thing the Ricos did but better. The only thing that sucks up their time is the horn that they left behind. Luckily, baby Ashley gets the horn and Reno stops his stopwatch. They did the challenge in 3 minutes and 49 seconds. They are SAFE! Wow…they saved themselves. I’m actually really proud of them. But it looks like Mama Redneck isn’t pleased and she doesn’t even give a congratulatory hug to the Faves.

REALLY? You don’t get to pick who stays and who goes Mama Redneck. Mama Faves plays it cool and she tells Mama Redneck that it’s ok for her to be mad but Mama Redneck tells her to not push “it”. Not push what? The fact that she won or to not push and crush that wart on your face that you call a nose? I saw you gloat when you won that reward challenge by hick-default last week. You were talking about class earlier, not only do you look like a cheap whore with that disgusting clown makeup you have on, you happen to also have a shitty attitude. You’re favorite family lost! Get over it!

It’s the Disalvatores turn. They, somehow, do the exact same thing the other families have done but they’re really just throwing the items around and yelling at each other. Blake is having a hard time holding anything too. They obviously don’t have a strategy; they’re just stuffing the platform. When all is done, I patiently wait for the results. Reno stops the watch and walks towards the Disalvatores to announce the results. Their time is of…2 minutes and 46 seconds. Whhaahhahhahaha what? Really?? The Ricos are dunzo!

That means that the Great alliance of Crazies is in full motion: it’s the Disalvatores and the Rednecks. They will continue to pinch every nerve in my body for the next two weeks. Papa Rico’s goodbye speech is just way too emotional. Erica, I know you said he was strong and adventurous…I still don’t see it!