Great American Road Trip: When all else fails…just rap

Previously on The Great American Road Trip, the Katzenberg family were sent back to their ivory tower because God wants Hyleri Katzenberg to plan her wedding. Good riddance!

The RVs are back on Route 66. Reno tells us that the families are heading to the famous Ted Drewes for some frozen custards. The Ted Drewes shop’s specialty is called the “Concrete” (yes, I totally just googled and wiki-ed that). Apparently, frozen custards are similar to ice cream: it will expand your waistline and kill you…lovely!

Back in the RVs, Allen tells her boys that St-Louis may be the last big city they will be in. If so, I can smell an Allen meltdown in the near future. I can’t wait to see her in an empty corn field nagging about nothing. Every time she opens her mouth, the echo of her voice punctures her skull. She will be nagging and in pain all at the same time. I.can’t.wait! Sylvia doesn’t think they’ve been a big city yet. Yes, because nothing can surpass New-York. In Igloo-land, if there are skyscrapers and there are more than 100 000 people, it’s a big city. Yes, we are pathetic in Igloo-land but Sylvia, get over yourself.

In the Redneck’s RV, Baby-girl Redneck Anslie is reading the directions to her father. What the hell is your mom doing? Oh wait, she’s at the back piling-up her hideous makeup and combing her multi-brown color hair. Anslie tells us that her dad isn’t taking her directions. That’s because your 1/4 his age and 1/3 his height and weight sweetheart. It’s not personal. I think you might be the best person for this anyway. You wouldn’t want your mom to drop her 2$ mascara on the directions would you?

Mama Redneck finally steps in when she realizes that Papa Redneck is lost. Mama Redneck yanks the directions from Anslie’s hands. In her confessionals, Anslie tells us that she was right the whole time and we get a montage of Mama Redneck giving the same directions Anslie gave to her father. Don’t worry Anslie, they speak another language that you cannot master. It’s this language married couples create over time because they share the same brain.

The families finally arrive to Ted Drewes to get a taste of that “Concrete” custard. The “Concrete” is so thick that it sticks to the inside of the cup even when the cup is turned upside down. Anything that withstands gravity is not eatable, sorry! Would you eat a black hole? I.think.not!

“It doesn’t take to much for the Midwest to get excited” Sylvia dick-ish-ly says at the sight of the “Concrete”. Dude, you’re aroused at the sight of your reflection! But the dessert is not an alien creation from a distant planet; it does succumb to gravity. The eldest son of the Montgomery proves it by dropping the custard on the camera. Huh, kid, if your family wins that money, you’re paying for the cone and the camera.

The families leave the mess they created for another destination. Mama Redneck read that they will go get some speedlanky? WHAT? Hey Anslie, take the papers out of your mom’s hands! The grown-ups want to know what the next destination is. It’s spelunking (thank you google and Wikipedia!). It’s the same thing as caving. Spelunking is exploring a cave for leisure. The families will be spelunking at the Meramec Caverns…please tell me that I used the word correctly in that sentence…please?

Back in the RV’s, Mason, the eldest of the Disalvatores decides to draw on his little brother Blake’s face who’s sleeping on the chair. I like!…and so does Allen. Blake explains that he didn’t feel the pen marks on his face. He assumed that his mother was taking pictures of him because he’s handsome. I smell a future d-bag. Blake goes to the bathroom and he realizes that he looks like a cat. Without the pen marks he looks like a harmless puppy. I have one suggestion for you Blake: stay away from the “conceited” road because you could earn yourself a spot in Tool Academy.

The families finally get to the Meramec caves and I get slightly depressed. I know this show is about the American landscape but the idea of visiting a cave makes me yawn.

At the caves, the families are warned to watch out for the Jesse James impersonator. Ouuuhhh, how exciting!!!! Can he shoot people?…with paintball guns of course…or not?

Mama Redneck explains that they will get a tour of the caves. She says that they will see some stalagmites and stalactites. Her emphasis on the “ites” and her mistakenly saying “totes” rather than “tites” seems to suggest that she either: a) didn’t know what they were; b) has never used those words in a conversation; or, c) it’s just the accent. I’m aiming for b) and c). ANSLIE…come here please!

The caves are just that, caves! …until there’s gun shots!! Damn, who’s down? Not Sylvia because his long metal-like locks are protecting his skull. Did anyone notice that all the city slickers were the first ones to take cover while the other families just stood there?

Oh wait…not Mama Redneck. Shouldn’t you be used to this Mama? You have a gun collection don’t you? Or are you one of those people that have stuff just for show but don’t actually use it? Like the celebrities on Cribs who show off all the things they have but they’re obviously never home. I mean, if they lived in their houses, they wouldn’t only have bottled water in their fridges right? You Part-time gun-tooting makeup-ridden-face Mama!

The gun shots came from the Jesse James impersonator who looks more like a bum than the real guy. He tells the families that this is his place and they shouldn’t be here much like a bum does when you step on the newspapers that he uses as a bed. The well-paid bum takes the families for a tour of his crap hole.

Since that Mario World level on super nintendo with the deadly stalagmites and stalactites, I’ve never really been a fan of caves.

Ashley Faves tells us that the cave was cool but it smelled like old people. EXCUSE
YOU! Caves don’t smell like old people. Old people smell is like a mixture of hand sanitizer, Lysol and cookies all at once.

The Monts decided do some fishing. Urgh, we go from boring to just plain aggravating. I guess that’s family-life for you. We get a nice ‘father and son’ montage. AWWWW!!! They caught a fish on their first try…but this whole fishing shit is boring. At the end of the day, the families are now sitting by the fire and blah blah blah!

The next day, Reno decides to wake up the families with a banjo. The whole thing would work if they weren’t sleeping in their RVs! I really wanted Allen to take his banjo and nail him in the head with it. The banjo is really a set-up to introduce the “King of the Road challenge”

The families are going to Branson Missouri to perform a four minute sketch. It can be anything as long as it is entertaining. When Allen heard about the challenge, she was nervous. Lady geez, give your family a bit more credit. Your family is the only reason why I’m watching this stupid show. Just go on stage and cuss at Sylvia like you normally do. The three judges are Branson celebrities so the pressure is on. The families have 300 miles to come up with something I won’t mock.

The families go back to their RV to figure out what they will do for the talent show. It doesn’t take to long for the Disalvatores to auto-eff themselves with their imbecility and their incessant need to argue about anything. Sylvia deduces that the Disalvatores talent is that they are talent less. Agree!

The Monts who always have their competition hat on, are pretty stocked about the talent show. They brought their musical instruments just in case they may need to panhandle. The eldest son pulls, out of nowhere, a clarinet. The youngest son pulls out a violin. What the hell? Mama Mont probably has some drums hidden in her weave. Papa, you’re the only one left. I suggest you strip because your family isn’t any good. They all sound terrible. Papa Mont is so competitive that he’s talking over the dreadful musical monstrosity he created. The Mont 4 will surely be a crowd-pleaser.

The Faves are thinking about performing as an 80′s rock band. REALLY? I wouldn’t! Think about the audience. I don’t think they care about Duran Duran. The Baby boy Faves completely disagrees with the idea saying that his father knows nothing about the 80s. Kid, you weren’t even born in the 80s. Shut your trap. While I’m on it, Mama and Papa Faves, who’s the parents? You or your kids? Assert some authority over these brats! First the gummy worms, now the 80s?

The Faves finally come up with a song. This song gets lame the minute Papa Faves opens his mouth. C’mon, I’m rooting for you guys.

In the Redneck’s RV, they decide to go with a nursery rhyme. Guess which one? Yes, “Old MacDonald Had A Farm”. Again, I’m not calling them rednecks because they chose the hick-ish song there is for the talent show. They could switch it up. Old MacDonald had a gun….

The Ricos want to recreate a scene about driving on Route 66. Yawn! I suggest that Mama Rico prance around the stage in an evening dress or a bikini. It’s not a talent but who cares, people will still watch. Just ask Megan Fox.

Erica tells us that it helps that Ricardo knows so many things about Route 66. I know you love him but stop trying to paint him as some god. You and I both know he ain’t shit; he knows a couple of things here and there but that’s it. But then she tells us that this skit is a chance for him to be big and smart…because he’s not big and smart already Erica? Men love to be looked at and admired but there comes a point where even he knows that he ain’t shit. Ricardo is one kilometer away from that line.

Back to the Disalvatores, Sylvia is yapping about the skit. Sylvia says, as he wobbles around like a drunk, that if they lose, the loss will be hinged on his shoulders. So what’s their game plan? They’re going to rap! HAHAHAHAHAH! Puh-lee-ze! Allen argues that the judges are all from the country so a rap might not be a good idea. Ewww, I think I’m going to have to agree with Allen. Doing a rap for a talent show of this nature is like inviting a Klan member to the BET awards; it’s just not the place.

So what’s the rap?

“Absolutely yo, my name is Sylvio,
I’m from the bronx you know,
Hi I’m Amy,
Amy Amy bo ba ni,
fi fa fo fa ni, hi I’m AMY
I’m Blake,
I don’t like to bake and I don’t rake
For anyone’s sake/
My name is Mason, and I’m the only normal one here
Chorus: We are the Disalvatores on the Great American Road Trip”

Bottom three! It’s been fun…really!

Allen wants to rehearse but she can seem to memorize her lines. She keeps effing up the same part too. Her voice gets pitchier the more she effs up. When her voice hits that very last pitch, I shut off my computer to regain my thoughts. Her voice literally popped my ear drum. Allen tells us she wanted to kill Sylvia over her inability to memorize her lines. Get a life Allen!

TALENT SHOW!!! Reno greets the family without a costume. I suggest you dress up as an RV. Reno gives the family 20 more minutes to prepare but he somehow “forgets” to warn the families that there are several hundred people behind the curtains. I looked closely at the crowd and I noticed that there are empty seats further at the back. The people of Branson have better shit to do.

Our talent show judges are Andy Williams. I don’t know who that is. Yakov Smirnoff…who’s that??? His name sounds like an alcoholic drink. Our last judge is the mayor of Branson. Like everybody else in the audience, the mayor doesn’t have anything better to do either. Again…who are these people!!!!

Up first are the Disalvatores. Sylvia, the attention seeker, starts the rap by presenting his family. Sylvia, in his cash only pants, gets the crowd going. The people are actually cheering. Truthfully, Sylvia knows how to entertain a crowd. He pokes fun at himself by using “yous” which gets the crowd laughing. Good for him. He doesn’t take himself THAT seriously.

The Disalvatores decided to change their lyrics for the rap’s intro. Any good rapper will tell you that you have to holla at your creator. In this case, it’s NBC. Sylvia is WAY to into it. I really thought he was going to grab his balls. After he’s done his lines, it’s Allen’s turn. She stumbles.

She can’t come up with anything to save her life. The audience can’t believe what they’re seeing. Sylvia improvises with a dance. It’s a complete failure. The judge felt sorry for them but they weren’t so soft with the critiques. The final verdict: it sucked!

The Ricos went with the obvious crowd-pleasers. The man in drags gag and the Fonz impersonation never fail. The crowd loves it. The final verdict: the judges love it.

The Rednecks come out looking overly country-ish with the banjo, the cowgirl and cow costumes. I’m not really impressed, it’s their everyday apparel. The family actually does very well.

The judges loved it…of course!

The Monts were up next. There was something Jackson 5-esque about their costume. Before the competition starts, Papa Mont tells us that they are going to be in the top 4. Can we say cocky??? You haven’t even performed yet!

The Monts mash-up the Redneck’s and Disalvatores performance. THEFT!
The whole thing is a mess. The crowd didn’t know what the hell was going on. One minute they are rapping, the next minute they’re singing “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and then they finish off with this song the eldest son plays on the clarinet. You can’t sing “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” with dress suits taken from Arsenio Hall’s closet.

The judge couldn’t even critique the family. I hate agreeing with Allen because anything that comes out of her mouth is the equivalent of nails being dragged on a chalk board; but this challenge is about knowg your audience. Country folks don’t ‘dig’ rap or anything too absurd.

The Faves are up next and they sound…actually pretty good. The eldest son is awesome on his guitar and Papa Faves is just fantastic on the drums.

The judges don’t know what to say but Andy thought the presentation was redundant. ….WHAT?? So let me get this straight; If there isn’t a mention of pigs, corn and prairies the sketch is no good?? Do you have some sort of bias towards anything that’s not country?

It’s the Cooties turn and they also decide to rap. What gives? A rap doesn’t give you extra cool points. If anything, rapping whitens people. Take Asher Roth. I know he’s white but I think nothing of it. But as soon as he “spits his lines”, he gets increasingly whiter and a tan will not save him.

The Cooties also sneaked in this cheer-leading routine. This goes well with the judges. I believe that the judges had a quota. At least three families had to feel the wrath of Andy Williams.

Time for the results! The bottom three are: the Monts, Disalvatores and the Faves. Since these families have completely humiliated themselves on national T.V, nobody goes home this week. Instead the top three families, the Rednecks, Cooties and Ricos will compete for a reward. The winners of the King of the Road challenge, however, are the Pollard family. Of course, hicks understand each other. There’s no way they weren’t going to win this challenge. So, the stereotype is true? People from the country are narrow-minded? I will pass this information to my people in the igloo.

The Rednecks get to stay in the Best Western in Branson.

At the Best Western, there’s not much going on. It’s so boring, I’m just going to fly through this one. The hotel is nice, the kids get their own room and they have showers. So what?! Big deal! Wanna fight about it?

The families head out to Carthage Missouri to the 66 drive-in for the reward challenge. The winners of the reward challenge get a vacation to Hollywood California for the premier of a movie. For the challenge, the dads will be guided through a car-maze to a concession stand. They must pick-up the popcorn and drinks and bring them back to the finish line. The catch? The dads will be wearing masks. You literally can’t see anything. The kids will have a remote control with the buttons left, right, go and stop. Anything pressed on the remote control will appear in the mask. This will be the dads’ only guide to the concession stand. If I was one of those kids, I would continuously push the left button to make my dad just go around in circles. Fuck the prize! I would savor those precious minutes where I had my father under my control.

The first dad who crosses the line with the popcorn and drinks wins.

Papa Rico is at the front of the pack but he loses his way. He gets stuck behind a car and decides to move sideways. The whole thing is amusing!

We get several montages of the dads trying to find their way though the maze. Papa Rednecks is the first to get to the concession stand to pick-up the drinks and the popcorn. Papa Cooties also gets his drink and popcorn. The two papas are now neck-in-neck. For some reason, Mama Cooties starts signaling her husband to cross the line. Dumbass, he seriously can’t see you and there’s no way you can bend the rules this time so settle down.

The Cooties win again! Competition is now on. It’s really between the Cooties and the Rednecks. Let’s be honest here, the Monts are way too confident and they never deliver.. The Ricos could upset the competition but they don’t really seem to care. The Faves and Disalvatores aren’t even in this; they have to much internal troubles to come up with a win.

YAWN! This show isn’t what I thought it would be.