Grey’s Anatomy: Bail Bonds of Matrimony

Hello Gasmii and welcome to the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy.  I stopped watching this show a couple of years ago thanks to no storylines I cared about, sticky-sheeted bed-hopping in the on-call room and let’s face it, Kathryn Heigl and T.R. Knight.  Shut the hell up both of you and oh by the way, You’re Welcome for the fame and fortune.  Douches.

Yeah, I’m telling him all my dirty secrets!

This episode opens with Meredith telling us that all of the cells in the human body regenerate on average every 7 years, so it’s sort of like we’re living on dog time.  We see footage of McDreamy driving way too fast on a freeway, which is probably impossible with Seattle traffic unless everyone’s at the fish market.

Then we see Bailey flying home with her son after a visit with her family as some chatty Cathy on the plane starts that “I know we haven’t spoken during the entire 5-hour flight but I’d love to catch up now” bullshit people always seem to do.  Finding out Bailey’s a surgeon, she asks if she knew any of the doctors killed at “that hospital.”

“That hospital” is exactly how I’d refer to Seattle Grace, prefaced with “Don’t ever take me to…”  This continues to be one of the worst hospitals in the country and I don’t care they have the best (fill in the bank) surgeon there or not.  If the doctors aren’t banging each other or their dead spouse, getting divorced, f#cking up surgeries left and right they are whining about their personal lives, I don’t know what they’d do all day.

Meredith finishes up her soliloquy about how change is normal and we’re all changed and blabbedy-blah-blah when we see hot new doctor who was brought in to counsel the survivors.  We’re going to call him McShrinky and it turns out he’s here to evaluate all the doctors.  Meredith is up now.

Meredith glosses over McDreamy getting shot and says she most worried about Christina who is getting married, apparently to Dr. Ginger who, if memory of reading the recaps serves, often choked her during the night not like in a David Carradine/Michael Hutchence kind of way, but more in an agent-orange disease kind of way.  He’s still a better boyfriend than Burke.

We see footage of McDreamy getting shot and Meredith freaking out as she says, “We’re all fine.”  Well, I still don’t want any of you taking an errant mole off of me let alone performing surgery.  And this doctor ain’t clearing Meredith for surgery like he is doing for the other doctors.  Waaah!

Her beeper beeps and she looks at it and snorts.  The next thing we see is McDreamy in prison (hot!) and Meredith walks in.  “Again Derek?” she yells.  Ah, thanks for the head’s up on his problem this week.

Back at the hospital Meredith is telling Christina about McDreamy and how they won’t take his license away because the cops like him.  McDreamy says it’s because he saved some of their lives, but really don’t all cops just get shipped off to county hospitals because that’s usually who has the best experience in gun shot wounds?  That’s how it worked when I lived in Chicago, at least.

McDreamy says as Chief of Surgery, he can overrule the counselor.  Well get to it fast or Meredith will withhold sex until she gets a scalpel back into her hands!

Suddenly some newbie that I don’t recognize, we’ll call her Chipmunk until she gets a name because she’s just that eager, takes McDreamy’s coat (sexist!) and says she found the best surgery ever for him!

McDreamy walks through some door and the entire medical staff of Seattle Grace is busy not doing their jobs and just waiting for their fearless and coiffed leader to return in triumph. He jumps up some stairs so they can all gaze on him and in the midst of telling them how good it is to be back, summarily quits.  About damn time someone at that place went somewhere else to spread their damage.  But nope – turns out McDreamy just wants to go back to surgery versus pushing papers as chief.  Maybe Dr. Webber can get it back?  If I had a nickel for every time this hospital’s board had to reconvene to pick a new chief of staff, I could have retired by now.

Karev is being examined by Kim Raver who I love and it turns out the bullet in his side has maneuvered to skin level and can be removed.  But he wants to keep it in ‘cause chicks dig it.  Yeah, we also dig 3-digit I.Q.s and that’s where Karev is going to have the problem.

Chipmunk is detailing a case about some kid’s brain tumor gone batshit crazy and McDreamy’s about to McDream himself.  This surgery is going to be as awesome and groundbreaking as EVERY OTHER SURGERY HE DOES EVERY WEEK.  Thank God it’s not House where every week IT’S NOT LUPUS.

Turns out this is less groundbreaking and more face-breaking.  McSteamy says normally you’d have to go in through the sinuses or palate and McDreamy salivates as he says, “We’ll have to do both.”  Sick bastard.  Yep, they are going to have to split this kid’s head open down the middle like a taco to get the tumor out.  I think I might just request a morphine drip and death.

See, you have to move the frog through traffic and get him to the other side.  No, I am serious.

Meredith is a little concerned about the surgery because she has a conscience and because McDreamy hasn’t been cleared for surgery, and he shuts her down but good.  They all think it will take about a week to plan and Torres says, “I’ll clear my schedule.”  You mean from all the work you surgeons don’t ever seem to do?

No wonder his wife left him…no rhythm.

Dr. Webber is back in his office doing the chicken dance or something because ONCE AGAIN he’s chief.  And clearly swamped with work.  Meredith walks in without knocking and catches him but that still won’t bribe the chief into clearing her for surgery.  Back to dancing!

Back in McShrinky’s office, Lexie, who has inexplicably shaved off most of her eyebrows and now seems to be sporting a Veronica Hamel is talking about how some people call trauma like what they experienced “The best thing that ever happened to them.”  Some people call it horrible, but I guess we get that with Christina and Dr. Ginger getting married.

We flashback to when the surgeons were doing group therapy and she sort of freaked out on everyone, twitching and explaining the difference between serial killings and mass murders which is what they went through, mass murders and basically it’s like watching a mother freak out on her daughter’s wedding day when the florist exchanged white roses for off-white roses for the centerpieces of the kid’s table.

In a more awkward conversation, Dr. Ginger asks McDreamy to be his best man.  Do these people have friends outside of work?  Jesus.  He explains that since he’s marrying the “other twisted sister” it sort of made him and McDreamy like brothers.  On one side, he does have a point, on the other, don’t ever, ever, ever compare yourself to being McDreamy’s brother unless you do something with your hair.  Ever.

Now it’s Bailey’s turn to win an Emmy.  McShrinky tells Bailey he heard the day of the shooting she had an extremely bad day.  You mean outside of the shootings?  She says that the day she went into labor her husband was in a car accident and almost died.  That was a bad day.  The day of the shootings was the worst day of her life.  I swear, I have one irritating day at work and I’m ready to call my recruiter, these people have co-workers killed and they can’t wait to be cleared for more work.

We see footage of Bailey talking to some hot guy I’m sure she’s going to ruin it with and he apologizes for not being there, but he was playing golf.  Oh, Tiger, really?  She says 18 people got shot, 11 died, one in her arms and he was playing golf?  Wow, he is going to be in the doghouse for a LONG time.  Well, isn’t that what doctors do, play golf when they aren’t cracking someone’s face open?  Bailey packs up a taxi and heads off to see her family.

If he’s not in a carseat, I’m reporting you.

“No,” says a fretful mother, over hearing they want to slice her son’s face in half to take out his brain tumor.  Yeah, I’d be like, “OH HELL TO THE MOFO NO ARE YOU DOING THAT TO MY KID,” but that’s just me.  McDreamy doesn’t offer much comfort given that he looks like he hasn’t slept in days.  But he does try the bullshit that “every medical advance starts with a crazy idea.”  So did paint huffing.  She agrees.

Meredith is the Jimmy Dean sunshine and says that her son may not survive, he may not be able to move, talk, live, love, learn, laugh or play mahjong as a result of the surgery.  Even if that doesn’t happen, he could still face months of excruciating rehabilitation.  Just like Oprah’s fans when her show finally ends.

McDreamy is pissed.  She tells him he’s driving awfully fast and it might do him some good to wear a seatbelt.  Come on Mere, Darwin’s theory was for people who DON’T wear them.

Seriously, this is what they have the best plastic surgeon in the country doing?  Saving Abe Vigoda’s eyebrows?

Karev’s up next with McShrinky who wants to talk to him about “the incident last week.”  Please say Karev punched someone.  We flash back to see Karev working with McSteamy on some guy’s eyebrow when Lexie (was her hair blonde last week?) comes in freaking out about some woman who she thinks wants to kill herself and how she should just get a gun and do it…it really seems a little off-the-wall even for this hospital.  Clearly she’s having a breakdown.

I will pop a cap in your ass if given a chance.

But instead of helping, Karev just walks away from her.  He tells McShrinky that life’s too short.  “I’ve had a lifetime of crazy,” he says.  Well, he was married to Izzie, so we do have to concede this point.

That’s when McSteamy barges in and screams at McShrinky for clearing Lexie for surgery.  “I had to commit her to psych last week against her will,” he yells.  Wait, Lexie was in the psych ward last week and is now out and about among patients?  Talk about a lawsuit.  Even better, Lexie comes in behind him to tell everyone she’s fine.  Karev says he’ll come back and McSteamy says, “Yeah, you’re good at running away.”  Ah, high school, I so don’t miss you.

OMG, Hot Doctor face-off!

The McShrinky shares all of Lexie’s personal medical issues with McSteamy and even though he’s a doctor, I still think HIPAA might not approve.  Turns out they gave her tons of meds in psych (awesome!), she had sleep deprivation but now everything’s okay because she got to sleep in on Saturday morning.  Just like the FREAKIN’ REST OF THE WORLD.

Still better than the mucking sound.

Now I’m not sure what’s going on with this next scene, but Dr. Ginger and Teddy Bear (Kim Raver) seem to be mucking around in someone’s innards judging by the uh, mucking sounds, and they are having a nice little chat about romance.  I’m guessing they used to date and I’m already bored but what irritated me the most about this scene is her hair.  The only thing I like my surgeons and fast-food employees to have in common is a hairnet.  Look into them before they fall into someone.  Duh.

Look, I finally have the paperwork to prove it – I’m a douchebag!

Down in the basement everyone is having their lunch and Christina is putting the kibosh on a wedding chicken dance.  I’m with you on that one.  Karev walks in with his hall pass – he’s been cleared for surgery!

Bailey walks in and gives everyone the hairy eyeball.  She says, “I’m happy to see you all.”  Emmy nod, here she comes.  Then she yells at them for hanging out in the basement and tells them to go work.  Including on the bowel impaction.

Man, is it 4:20 already?

McShrinky is quizzing McDreamy on quitting his job, but McDreamy says he hated the job from day one (so it was really worth the campaign to get it) and he’s a surgeon.  He says life is short.  McShrinky asks if the shooting was clarifying for him and McDreamy says, “A lot of people got shot.”  Then he repeats it.  So of course, he gets cleared for surgery.  At this rate, I should be cleared for surgery before the end of the episode.

Turning it on to get cleared…nice move.

We flash back to McDreamy in the hospital talking to (thanks to IMDB) Dr. April (formerly known as Chipmunk) where she says she’s sorry she got him shot.  I’m sorry you got EVERYONE shot, bitch.  And once again we see McDreamy in real-time speeding down the freeway.  Man, Seattle has some clear highways!

Don’t blow it!  Oh, maybe you already have.

Meredith walks in on McShrinky and Teddy Bear about to head off to the on-call bunkroom and says, “Oh, now I see what I need to do to get cleared.”  But it turns out Teddy was never one of the doctor’s patients and they just met in the cafeteria.  So of course, she was ready to blow him.  This show, I tell ya.

McShrinky says there is something Meredith isn’t being honest about and that’s what’s going to cause her trouble if she gets cleared.  Dude, have you seen her history?  “Husband getting shot” is like #429 on her issues list.

And…flashback!  Meredith is in stirrups with Christina by her side.  Uh, they don’t put you in stirrups until they need to because damn, it is not the best thing for your back.  She makes Christina promise not to tell McDreamy and it turns out she’s there for a DNC because she had a miscarriage.  Again, issue #694 on her list.  Considering she could have gotten shot and KILLED, a miscarriage in week 5 of a pregnancy really pales in comparison.

Jesus, where did you get shot and how?

Now we’re over with Arizona who is complaining about Torres watching her sleep.  Oh my God, I so do not care about this and neither does Teddy who has to listen to this tirade.  Basically, Arizona is afraid Torres is going to ask her to get married.  Good news, it’s not legal in the state of Washington (this week), so you can sort of chill out.  Also?  Stop whining, at least you’re getting laid.

Yeah, I really don’t care about your lesbo problems.  Not that there’s anything wrong with them.

Teddy tells her she needs to get out of the bubble she’s living in.  “But my bubble is so pink and pretty,” Arizona says.  Did anyone else immediately think, “So is your taco?”  Teddy tells her to pop the bubble.  Again, I snore.

Meeting in the hallway, Webber says he’s back as chief in staff because getting a hospital board together that quickly always happens (by now they probably just do a conference call).  He asks McDreamy if he’s ready for this surgery and McSteamy gets his undies in a wad.  Webber says he’s still having nightmares and goes to two AA meetings A DAY and he didn’t get shot.  Jesus, this guy is in charge of the hospital?

Musical montage of face splitting.  I actually had to put my hand up to the TV on the off chance they showed anything icky and THEY DID (I think, I could only see the top of the TV).  Here comes the saw, BZZZZZ.  Gross.  And of course, everyone is in the viewing room because God forbid they go work.  Christina is reading a bridal magazine and Dr. Ginger says he’s seen mortar that has done less damage.

If you don’t like the bridesmaids dresses, pick out a different one!

Meredith grabs Christina and hauls her out of the viewing room and screams at her because McDreamy is splitting some teen’s head open (watch Intervention, they do it all the time on their own) and Dr. April is assisting while Christina reads about Lilies of the Valley.  Christina wonders if she should use peonies instead.  It’s Fall, Christina, they only bloom in May and June, how old is that magazine?

“We are not okay,” Meredith says.  Christina’s like, we can just go back in a couple of days and Mere says, “In a couple of days, you’ll be married.”  Christina’s like, are you trying to talk me out of this and Mere’s like, look at me and tell me you’re sure.  These two really are twisted sisters.  They should marry each other and save the men for those of who are sane.  Or at least less crazy.

Christina fires back that Mere should tell McDreamy about the miscarriage.  She says he’s not ready and Christina’s like pot calling the kettle black, bitch.  This is why everyone is not okay.  If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.  Kids ruin everything!

And now it’s Christina’s turn to get cleared.  McShrinky says he’s prepared to work with her in whatever way she needs and she’s pissed she’s getting special treatment because she had to operate with a gun to her head.  Yeah, that will steady any surgeon’s hands.

McShrinky points out that she missed their last appointment and she was really late to this one and she’s like dude, I’m planning a wedding.  I’m surprised she doesn’t have a gun to her head for that, knowing how she really is.

“If you don’t want to clear me, don’t clear me,” she says.  She wants to leave but he asks how she feels when she thinks about going into an operating room.  Christina goes off on this tangent about the women in the magazines – some are actually real brides.

She says she knew these girls in high school – they are simple girls and she felt sorry for them.  All they want to do is find the right guy and get married.  “You’re either born simple or you’re born…me,” she says.  She thinks for a moment and says, “I want to be simple, because no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl.”  She’s got a point there.

Yeah, I had to do this to a dentist once.

Flashback to Christina sitting on the sofa at home and Dr. Ginger gets there late.  She yells at him for being late and tells him she doesn’t want to be alone.  So he pulls out a ring and puts it on her finger and there she is – a simple girl.  Yeah, she’s not getting cleared.

Tw0 months’ salary?  You didn’t negotiate very well.

Oh brother.  Bailey walks out of the hospital at the end of the day and Dr. Golf is there.  He tries to talk to her but she loses her cognitive ability and says something about being held together with glue and tape and tape and glue and glue and tape and I’m thinking I hope she didn’t get cleared either.

Are their hands glued or taped together?  What about her eyes?  Superglued shut?

She tells him he’s a good, kind, smart doctor with a sweet ass (I may have added that last part) and she really doesn’t have time to date someone who isn’t being taped and glued together like she is, so take care.  Dumb bitch!  There goes your chance to be a simple girl too, although he may have actually liked you more complicated.  These people and their moronic interpersonal poor judgment!

Meredith and McDreamy are making out because since the surgery was a success she’s no longer mad at him.  He decides to celebrate by ruining their lives.  “Let’s make a baby,” he says.  Worst foreplay talk ever.  Luckily his beeper goes off because split-face teen is freaking out.

Uh, stitches?  Bandages?  Staples?  Morphine?  Censors?

Okay, first of all, why is his face not completely stitched up and wrapped in gauze?  Also, why is he not in either a medically-induced coma or on some pain meds?  You’d think all that thrashing would put him in worse pain.  McDreamy says this is the fight – this pain is the healing pain.  Yeah, looks like loads of fun.

Speaking of healing pain, McDreamy is getting pulled over again and Meredith has to bail him out.  But instead, she takes the ring out of his pocket and leaves him locked up.  Good move.  Also, she’s sporting all of her real-life baby weight in her face, isn’t she?

At the wedding, Karev sees Lexie and tries to hit on her.  She says you know, you think you are so badass because you lived and have a bullet in your side, but the truth is I saved your sorry ass while you cried out for the wife who left you.  “Pussy,” she says.  Well, that was implied.  Where did her eyebrows go?

You have no idea how I have to keep Arizona happy.

McSteamy is whining to Torres about how he’s jealous of Christina and Dr. Ginger and damn, he looks old.  Torres is drunk and asks Arizona to move in after mumbling incoherently for way too long.  Arizona agrees to move into the place where she spends 99.9% of her time anyway.  Awesome.

Meredith tells Dr. Ginger that McDreamy won’t be making it so how about picking another best man, doesn’t McSteamy look extra pretty tonight?  Then she runs upstairs to check on Christina.

Christina is standing on her bed looking at the worst piece of art I have ever seen, it’s like all the veins and arteries of the thorax plus some kind of monitor that is actually working.  Is the house alive, because I bet it would make a much more interesting character than most of the doctors.  It’s a craftsman, I think.

Again, the dress rocks but what the f#ck is going on with that wall “art” ?

Christina tells Meredith that she never gave her any crap about the post-it.  Ah, the post-it.  I think that’s when I originally stopped watching, or right before.  Meredith stands on the bed next to Christina and tells her she looks beautiful.  I agree – I would kill for that red dress, it looks amazing on her and is a nice change of pace from cream-puff wedding dresses.

Meredith begins the ending monologue about how change is the only constant in science.  We see Christine and Dr. Ginger walk down the aisle together, exchanging vows, etc. as Meredith seriously bores me to tears with her oh-so-intelligent voiceover that I really can’t keep track of.  It’s all about change and how no one really likes change but nothing is permanent.  But HOW we experience change is up to us, not science.

Wow, racoon sooo does not work on her.

Christina and Dr. Ginger kiss and I think we all know they are going to have the ugliest kids ever in the history of the world.

Next week – even more crap happens at Seattle Grace and it looks like Christina falls during surgery and cannot get up.  Too bad she doesn’t have one of those Life Alert things around her neck so she can call for help.  Although she probably should consider heading to a different hospital if she actually wants to live.