Grey’s Anatomy: Red Fistula, Blue Fistula

Oh, good, more Christina drama, yawn.  McDreamy is taking Christina fishing because as we all know, that cures everything.  Meredith can’t believe Christina is going considering there are no bathrooms and I’m just keeping my fingers crossed a perfect storm hits them so we can get away from this storyline.

Okay, someone explain this to me.  McSteamy and Torres are showering together – he’s shaving and she’s – and this is where I need the explanation – BRUSHING HER TEETH.  What the hell is up with that?  I have a former in-law who did that too – that just seems gross.  Also, it’s a huge waste of water to do something while a shower is running that you could easily do at the sink with no water running until you needed to spit.  I’m just saying, think of the children.

Hope she doesn’t floss too.

Torres tells him that when they have sex, it just makes her miss Arizona, so sex with him makes her sad.  Nice.  So he volleys back that he was thinking about Lexie last night while they were having sex, so it’s all good.  These two are perfect for each other.  Then she spit on his feet and kicks him out of the shower.

Meredith and Christina stare each other down while the boys pack up the fishing gear.  Awwwwkwaaard.  Christina turns to leave and Meredith reminds her there are no bathrooms “out there.”  Yeah, but you can pee in the water.  It’s just really, really cold.

Bailey and Webber are removing someone’s gallbladder through his mouth and Lexie, Chipmunk, and Jackson all want in.  Bailey says that the person whose after-surgery care leads to the fewest fistulas (oh, again with the fistulas!) gets to do one.  See, this is where I’d be looking for lab work or the morgue so I could work in peace with no competition.  But the three gallblateers go scattering to the winds.

A gallbladder or his soul?  Webber’s a Dementor!

In the elevator, Teddy asks Dr. Ginger how Christina is and Meredith blurts out, “She’s fishing!”  Better than last week’s pole dancing.  Teddy is flummoxed and Dr. Ginger says, “You got any better ideas?”  Yeah, a swift kick in the ass and a trip to a therapist.  Has anyone considered that?

Aw, look, it’s the ex-Mrs. Jennifer Garner, Scott Foley.  He is in a wheelchair, clearly a patient, and asks Teddy how he looks because he’s about to propose to his girlfriend.  Teddy says she’d be a fool to say no.  Hold that thought, Teddy.

Meredith and Dr. Ginger are waiting for ambulances to come in and Meredith wants to know what’s next on Christina’s roster…cooking classes, bowling with Bailey…an activity Dr. Ginger says sounds like fun.  You know, it really does.  Especially if she’s drunk.

The trauma?  Newlyweds fell 100 feet into a ravine but luckily the husband broke the woman’s fall.  What a nice guy, I wonder if he has a brother.  They were having their picture taken and they both slipped off the cliff into a ravine.  Wonder if the guy got the picture as they were falling, that would be a honeymoon memory.  Did they even get their camera back?  Anyhoo, the wife only has a torn ear but the husband has a ton of internal bleeding.  Guess Washington isn’t a community property state.

I love how they handle this trauma – they just cut his belly full of blood open and it pours all over the place.  Was there no way to tube that?  I guess not, as Dr. Ginger hopes no one is wearing new shoes.  Please, their shoes must be full of blood, cells and placenta by now.  A little blood will just polish them.

Well, at least it’s not in the Gulf.

Out on the lake-o-fish, Christina starts spouting of sea-worthy tips to McDreamy about where to put the rods, how to clip them to the boat, etc. and McDreamy is like, are you going to be like this all day?  Seriously, I’m just worried about the next hour I have to spend with her.

So our Web M.D. Couple of the Episode are talking to Torres and Karev and they mention their daughter is an orthodontist, just so they know they have a doctor in the family.  Torres recommends the guy get a hip replacement and she is open today at 2pm.  Dude, he’s probably already eaten today so he wouldn’t be able to have the anesthesia.  Duh!

And she’s Jewish.  A Jewish orthodontist.  Do you hear me?  She’s an orthodontist, and Jewish.  Interested?

Wife asks the husband why Torres has an opening today and why isn’t she busier?  Because sex with McSteamy takes up a lot of time.  Or, like me, she spent all day Saturday and most of Sunday on the sofa covered in blankets and spaniels and watching the Harry Potter marathon.  She just didn’t have time to schedule anyone, much like I didn’t have time to do the dishes.

Torres is like, yeah, I can hear you and I just came off some leave…or did she mean “leaf” as in bush?  Anyhoo, she has some free time.  So Wife asks her husband why she’s the only one doing minimally invasive surgery and Torres is like, yeah, again, standing right here and Karev is like, “Because they can’t and she can.”  Wife wants a second opinion.  Okay, you’re a bitch on top of being a nudge.  How’s that?

Torres is like, hey, bitches, go get your second opinion, and Karev looks confused.  More confused.  Torres says that when they get in to see another doctor and find out the recovery period is 6 weeks compared to her one week, they’ll come running back.

Hey, look who it is…that guy…from that show…Rescue Me. He played Franco.  Anyone?  Lexie is talking to him about her pancreas patient as Jackson rushes his patient by teasing Lexie with how well his patient is doing.  Might want to slow down there, she can barely keep up.  Chipmunk is going the drug route.  Lexie demands Franco get another fluid sample from her patient.

Teddy bumps into fiancé guy again, mostly because she’s just roaming the halls looking for love, and it turns out fiancé was turned down!  Bummer!  Kicking a guy while he’s down and in the hospital.  Turns out he was only proposing to her for her PPO.  Well, that’s a good reason to get married behind having to and actually wanting to.

Maybe if I look cute and desperate enough, she’ll bite.

Turns out this guy tapped out his insurance three operations ago and has been using credit cards ever since.  Yeah, good luck with that.  Teddy looks at his chart and he has a dangerous tumor (as opposed to a safe tumor) on his adrenal gland.  Unfortunately his adrenal gland doesn’t have any insurance either which, of course, is why Webber is discharging him today.

McSteamy is fixing newlywed’s ear and asks how she and her husband met.  She said he kept pursuing her and finally at a bowling party (with Bailey?) he just grabbed her and kissed her.  I love how McSteamy gets his advice from every patient he works on no matter how little time he spends with them.

Relax, honey, this is how most of McSteamy’s pricks feel.

Back with Dr. Ginger and Meredith, the other half of the newlyweds is bleeding all over the place and Dr. Ginger finds the origin of the bleed.  “This is a lethal injury,” he says.  Aw, dude, come on.  Put some ass into it!  Meredith freaks out on him, “What’s your plan? WHAT’S YOUR PLAN?  We can’t stand here while this guy bleeds out!”  Dr. Ginger suggests cracking his chest, putting in a shunt, some other gross stuff, and he yells at Meredith for speaking to him like that.  He tells her to keep their problems outside the OR.  They crack some chest.

Again, perfect use for the ShamWow.

OMG, Christina is going through McDreamy’s tackle box thatswhatshesaid telling him which lure is best when and where, and McSteamy’s like shut the hell up already, the fish can hear you.  So can the viewers, crazy.  Then she starts whispering and McSteamy is like seriously, shut the hell up or I will throw you overboard.  I don’t mean to Depeche Mode you, but ENJOY THE SILENCE.  Jesus.

This has “Are we there yet?” written all over it.  And we’re not!

Teddy is all up in Webber’s business to save Scott Foley because he was so cute on Scrubs, but Webber can’t.  Teddy bitches that Webber bends the rules all the time and this wouldn’t be an issue if she were Bailey or McDreamy.  Low blow.

Teddy complains to Webber that Christina is fishing today and she thinks it’s her fault, and she just wants to do something good today.  Didn’t Bailey use that excuse a couple of weeks ago when she lost patient after patient?  Wish I could pull this shit at work.  “I placed an ad in this magazine and it brought no leads…can’t I have a martini at lunch?”

Webber says he’ll set up a meeting with the review board which seems to be pretty easy at that hospital.  Maybe they just do it by conference call now.

Guess who’s coming to hip surgery?  Asses.

Look, Arizona just texted me that civil war has broken out in her African country and everyone’s killing and raping everyone else!

The three gallblateers are all comparing notes on their pancreas patients and Chipmunk is being unusually teasy with Lexie when Franco shows up and tells her that her patient is in the OR for a fistula!  In your face, beyotch!  “And then there were two,” Jackson says.

Lexie panics and tells Eli (Franco) to get another fluid sample from her patient.  He says he can’t because he took the tube out and the patient is sleeping and Lexie says they need to put the tube back in.  Or, you could find something else to do.  They’ll be more gallbladders, don’t worry.

Eli tells her if Bailey wants to put the tube back in, he will.  Lexie says she’s in surgery and Eli shoots back with, “Then it will have to wait.”  I bet nurses get this shit all the time from doctors.  Lexie says she’ll do it herself and he says she won’t.  She may have her cute fistula list, but he has “Twelve years worth of experience” and he knows what can cause an infection.  Then he tells her the residents come and go and they are guests in his home and “you are no longer welcome.”  Love the smackdown!

Also, this hottie needs a McNickname.

Lexie tries to get McSteamy to talk to Eli but he says he’ll do it only if she meets him for drinks later.  McSteamy tells Eli he’s not sure what’s going on, but he needs Eli to “do him a solid.”  Oh, white boy, really?  He tells him the situation and Eli asks what’s in it for him.  “Seahawks tickets,” McSteamy says.  Isn’t that some kind of dance troupe?  F#ck that noise.

Eli asks for parking, then yells at McSteamy saying he’ll only do it if Bailey okays it, adding, “I don’t care if you think Dr. Grey is the best resident to come through this program.”  Nice touch.  Enjoy the dance troupe.  “See you at nine,” McSteamy tells Lexie.

Look, I know we’d make a great couple, but what about your bromance with McDreamy?

Web M.D. couple are back asking for the 2pm slot and Torres says she’s booked.  Then she says she might be able to move the other surgery and Karev tells her not to forget about the dinner where she’s getting that award.  Torres says she’ll just be late for the dinner.

You are ROCKIN’ that Osteo-Tetris game!

Bailey walks in with Lexie behind her.  “Eliiiii,” she says.  He asks if he’s told her lately that he loves her eyes, but she is in no mood.  She says she has to put the tube back in and Lexie says, “And write you up.”  Calm down, hall monitor.

Eli says the patient wasn’t sleeping which is why he had to take the tube out.  Then he puts the pleasant smackdown on Bailey her the hall monitor.  He tells them both he hates post-op complications as much as they do, then he asks, “When was the last time one of my patients had a complication?”  I bet we find out!

Did he just profess his love for FISTULAS?  Bastard!

Meredith is still stitching up newlywed guy and says she can get one more stitch in.  Atta girl!  Dr. Ginger says there will be too much pull on the liver but Meredith goes for it.  They argue over the stitch and he tells her to remove her hand but she’s got it already.  He gives her the look of death and throws her out of the OR. She throws her gloves down on the patient (really?) and storms out.  It would have been awesome if she had slipped on all the blood, grabbed the person next to her, who grabbed the next person and so on until they all fell around the operating table like dominos.  Dr. Ginger would be one of those weird red ones.

Meredith is on the phone bitching to McDreamy who apparently still cannot get a break on the noise, and she says, “I’m so sick of all of this!”  JOIN THE CLUB!  He pretends he’s talking to someone else and hangs up.  Christina asks if it was Meredith and he says no.  Then yes.  Then Christina gets a bite and it’s a comedy of errors as she reels it in.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  He could kill her and toss her in the lake and no one would be the wiser.

Torres is doing the hip surgery and is trying to get Karev to join her on the dark side instead of working in pediatrics.  “Screw Stark,” Karev says.  Yeah, you’ll be back in peds in no time, wuss.

Meredith comes back to the OR where they are cleaning up gallons of blood and asks Dr. Ginger if she can speak to him.  She said she knew what she was doing but he smacked her down because she questioned how he was dealing with Christina.

Dr. Ginger responds that he thinks Meredith is reckless and he doesn’t want her around his OR or his wife.  Meredith blames him for letting Christina fall apart.  She says Christina needs to work because that’s who she is.  Dr. Ginger tells Meredith, “You told a guy with a gun to shoot you, that is who you are.”  Sorry I missed the season finale, she sort of does that a lot in this show – tries to die.

Dr. Ginger says Meredith is fearless but he doesn’t mean that in a good way.  He says most people don’t tell a guy with a gun to shoot them.  Most people are like Christina – they are afraid, and what she needs isn’t what Meredith needs.  Are we still talking about that last stitch?

Either way, Christina is finally understanding penis envy.  Of a stickman.

The three gallblateers are looking at Eli’s record – he has a 12% post-op complication rate compared to the average of 42%.  Wait, 42% of their patients have post-op complications?  Just another reason to avoid Seattle Grace.

Bailey is looking through the files and notices all of the issues begin on day three.  Is it me or didn’t they already know that?  For some reason, I knew that, and I sure as hell don’t have a medical background.  I thought they brought that up previously, but I’m too lazy to review the last few episodes to check.  But Bailey is thrilled she found out the issue starts on day three.

The board – all three of them – have convened to tell Teddy and Webber they can give Scott Foley a medical alert bracelet.  Wow, how Republican of you.  Then Bailey runs in, completely interrupting a meeting, telling Webber her great fistula news.  Then she apologizes saying, “I’m Miranda Bailey, the woman who cured fistula!  Oh I said it.”  I wish you hadn’t.

Motherf#ckin’ FISTULAS, bitches!

Christina is on the dock as they measure the weight of her fish – 28 pounds.  They go to take a picture of her with the fish and I’m hoping that isn’t real.  Poor fish.  The guy taking the picture says, “Your friend’s first time out?  She’s really something.”  McDreamy says, “She is.  She really is.”  Christina starts to cry, probably because she realizes they are talking about the fish and not her.

I don’t know…catharsis or hook in the hand?

The guy says they don’t have to take the picture but McDreamy says they have to because they will want to remember this.  So…she’s cured?  And if not, you should probably do that to the fish before it goes bad.

And in case you had any doubts…still HOT.

Newlyweds are reunited but she’s taped up like VanGogh and he’s asleep hooked up to tons of machines.  Meredith encourages her to take his hand…”He’s still there.”  Yeah, but his blood is still in the OR so they had to fill him with saline.

Torres sees Karev and says she’s buying drinks that night, but he admits that Stark hates his new assistant more than he hates Karev.  Torres is upset Karev is choosing kids over hips (no shit) and Karev admits Stark is a douche, but here we are.

Poor Scott Foley, Webber is kicking him out.  Here’s your pills and take care, see you at the funeral.  Teddy comes in and apologizes for not being able to do more.  But Scott Foley is hot, Teddy is desperate, and she offers to marry him because she has great medical insurance.  Wow, think your boss will notice the medical fraud against his hospital?

Teddy says she took an oath and he says its absurd and she’s going to regret it.  Well, enjoy the hot sex while you can, Teddy.  Didn’t I see this plot on Green Card?  Also, they just did something similar on the recently cancelled Outlaw with Jimmy Smits.  Way to be original, writers.

Bailey tells Eli to remove the tubes on day three for every patient.  You know, until one dies.  She’s all excited and Eli asks her to go out with him.  He tells her the shocked-omg-a-nurse-just-asked-me-out-look is pretty cute.  She says yes because she ain’t no fool.  This could be hot.

You want to take me where and do what?  Well, since you FISTULA’d me, okay.

At the bar, Lexie comes in for her drink and she says she was being unfair to McSteamy, blah, blah, blah and he just grabs her and kisses her.  Maybe someone should try that with Christina.  Lexie continues to make out with McSteamy in the middle of the bar.  Poor Torres.

Christina comes home with 21 pounds of trout (where did the other seven pounds go, did she give them to Will Smith?).  She says the trip was good and she puts her picture on the fridge.

Torres is home alone when there is a knock at the door.  George back from the dead?  Close…it’s Arizona!  WTF?!?!?!?  She says she was in Africa and everything was great and she was making a difference but she’s constantly crying and someone asks if she wants to go home and they can replace her and she wants to say no but instead says yes and here she is.

“You look really pretty,” she tells Torres.  Who stares at her.  And slams the door in her face.

Maybe you can stop by the bakery for some muffins ’cause you ain’t getting any here.

Wait, did that really happen or was that like a dream?  Did anyone out there think it was a metaphor for Torres saying goodbye?  I really did until I saw scenes for the next episode…

Judging by the preview, Arizona is back – I though she had a new show but turns out it was just a TV movie.  She was taking time off for a new baby, meh.  I was kinda hoping she and her paint chips would go away.  Having said that, there isn’t a new Grey’s until January – have a great holiday and don’t drink too much nog!