Grey’s Anatomy: Still Full of Freaks

In what universe do four adult, co-ed, medical practitioners use the same bathroom at the same time?  In the Grey’s Anatomy universe.  We’ve got Karev brushing his teeth, Chipmunk brushing her hair, Lexie shaving the hair off of her legs and Jackson in the shower.  How is this normal?  “This isn’t normal,” McDreamy tells Meredith as they…WTF? look in the open door at this non-traveling freakshow.  God, they had more boundaries on Friends for freak’s sake.

Sweet Christ, it wasn’t this bad at college.

Oh, again, and in what universe is it okay for an adult to walk into the bedroom of two other adults who do not okay him to come in?  McSteamy’s universe.  But maybe he just wanted a quick look at the lesbos therein because Brunette went back east?

And in what universe should Christina and Dr. Ginger be looking at a fixer-upper?  During what time of day will they be painting?  Although I guess Christina may have some free time on her hands if she doesn’t get to cutting soon.  Okay, it does have a pole to slide down or dance around, which is totally cool.  Christina gives it a “meh” and Dr. Ginger says he kinda needs her to care.  I kind of need her to fall down the fire pole hole.

Multiply this look by infinity and you have my teen years.

Oh, snore.  McDreamy and Meredith are at the obstetrician’s office for their “news.”  Please let her be barren or him sterile.  Please, please, please.  Ha!  Meredith has a hostile uterus.  McDreamy sees the specimen cup half-full.  “Think of all the fun we’ll have trying,” he says.  Or, you could just focus on your careers instead of having kids.  Now that I think about it, however, careers at Seattle Grace are just as messy as kids.

Webber, who has nothing better to do, calls Bailey into his office to talk about how the hospital doesn’t have a bariatric center because they don’t have enough space.  Because of the fat people?  Bailey doesn’t care until he semi-mentions the clinic.  She says if he tries to take away the Denny Duquet Memorial Izzy’s Dead Boyfriend Clinic, she will chain herself to it.  Also, Christina’s on her rotation today, so Bailey would really appreciate it if Webber would go screw himself.

Lexie comes whining to Meredith about Jackson and Chipmunk being in the house.  She doesn’t like the fact that Chipmunk has taken Izzy’s room and she has to sleep in the attic next to Christmas ornaments.  Hey, why not consider GETTING YOUR OWN PLACE?  Jesus, isn’t that the goal of every adult, to not live with roomies at some point?

Lexie calls Chipmunk annoying and Christina says she finds Lexie much more annoying.  Score.  A trauma comes in but Christina would prefer to sip her Nescafe.  Enjoy.

WEEEEE!  Trauma!  And they’re only half dead!

Now Arizona is whining about McSteamy.  Has anyone considered transferring, you know, to Oklahoma or something?  I hear the wind goes whipping through the trees there or something to that effect.  Turns out McSteamy won’t stay away from her and Torres.  It’s called locks and caller ID.  Then Teddy whines about how incompetent Jackson is.  I just whine because I’m really tired from work and it’s only Tuesday.  Why, why, why does the lotto continue to elude me?

Then Arizona and Teddy agree Jackson is nice to look at and he overhears.  Doyee, he was like 5 feet behind Teddy.  “You just got called a dumb blonde,” Karev jokes.  Indeed he did.

Six Feet Under mom is a patient asking for her husband.  Turns out she was in a car that accidentally ended up in a laundromat.  Uh-oh, there goes her husband on oxygen.  Toodles!  Then we meet angry patient headed to Brazil who is pissed about how she almost died in a laundromat accident.  No kidding.

She says the one sentence she learns before traveling is, “Do you have a condom?”  Mine is, “I am Canadian, please ignore my US passport if you are a terrorist, thanks!”  She says she’s not a slut, she has Huntington’s disease, which is a fatal genetic disease.  According to the Wik, it’s a “a progressive neurodegenerative genetic disorder, which affects muscle coordination and leads to cognitive decline and dementia.”  Wow, sign me up for that oh-so-fair disease.

The woman says hasn’t started showing signs and her mother died at 45, which means she has 10 years left, five good ones.  Holy crap, that would be awful.  She doesn’t want to die doing laundry, she wants to fall off the Eiffel Tower during a multiple orgasm.  Point taken.

“His pas de ballet kicked the other kids’ asses,” a dad says.  “It’s pas de barre,” his son corrects.  Well, at least dad didn’t say “pardon my son’s gay,” you little douche!  He’d rather talk about cancer anyway.  He’s 15 and he has bone cancer in his leg.  Man, this episode is full of laughs.

My overwhelming enthusiasm for my son’s love of ballet is just to mask my horror that he’s probably gay and will never start for the Colts. 

He wants to know how soon he can dance after the surgery today and Torres is like, depends on how much the tumor shrank.  Then she makes a huge mistake and says, “But trust me, we will have you back on your feet as soon as possible.”  Or, they will need to amputate your leg.  Either way, it’s happening as soon as possible.

Next patient is Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s doppelganger and he throws up into a bucket Christina is holding.  He tells them not to throw out his “research,” which oh no.  But oh yes.  Christina holds up his research:  Worms.  That he swallowed.  He says it’s a cure for asthma and the worms squirms.  Does it also make him thinner?

Sir, I see your problem.  Limp dick.  We can help.

Turns out the longer this guy grows the worms inside the better his asthma is – in fact, in the year he’s been housing them, no asthma attacks.  Well, that’s some interesting research.  What is also interesting is the bowel obstruction the worms have given him.  You’d think they’d just slither out.  He declines surgery and asks for another option because they will contaminate his research.  Christina has to put some scope down his gullet, it will be painful, but the worms will live.  For now!

Blockage or poo?  How can you tell?

Why would three doctors be sitting in a room waiting for an MRI or whatever scan that kid has to go through?  The last time I had an MRI, it was technicians and it took a week for the doctor to get back to me on the results.  Would three doctors really be sitting around for this?

Well, they wouldn’t if Torres would just stay awake.

McSteamy interrupts my thoughts and says he got a table for three at that hot new sushi restaurant (aren’t they all, in Seattle?) and Arizona says she doesn’t eat sushi.  Torres says yes you do and Arizona says not since that crazy mix-up in the cafeteria, whatever.  Pay attention to the patient who clearly is going to have to have his leg cut off.

Turns out Brazil needs a little surgery and Jackson called it wrong.  Meredith says the defect is so small it doesn’t require all the bullshit Jackson just said.  Mere is scrubbing in, Jackson is out.  Brazil asks if he can stay by her side forever and Teddy’s like, “You and every other woman in this hospital want that.”  So, you called him hot behind his back (or so you thought) and now to his face and he has witnesses?  If he were a woman, this would look like sexual harassment.  WHICH IT TOTALLY IS.

Jackson totally plays it up.  Teddy says she doesn’t need another set of hands (heh) but Jackson bats his eyelashes, says he knows he’s been screwing up, then bats his eyelashes and begs for another chance.  Which she gives him because she’s hot for student.

Chipmunk and Lexie start getting into a pissing match over Six Feet Under and Chipmunk acquiesces.  Then she asks how Lexie would feel about her creating a chore wheel.  This is what you do at camp, right?

“Are you moving in?  Like permanently?” Lexie asks Chipmunk.  Are YOU, bitch?  I mean, you are Meredith’s half sister, but you aren’t part of the half that owned that house, right?  She says Meredith would hate the chore wheel.  And of course Meredith shows up and says she LOVES the idea of the chore wheel.  Well, I guess she and McDreamy will be dorking like donkeys and someone probably does  need to mow the grass and do the dishes.

Oh, burn!  She picked the new wife over you!

Chipmunk lowers her voice and asks Meredith how it went this morning and Meredith says fine.  Lexie hates being left out and wants to know what’s up but no one is talking.  That can only mean one thing:  Sex change for Mere!  Stupid Mean Girls.

Back in Pas de Gay’s room, he realizes they want to cut his leg off and Karev says they can do amazing things with prosthetics and Pas says he needs to show them.  So with ALL THE TIME THEY HAVE, Karev, Torres and Arizona go to a workout room and watch the kid dance.  Guess the writers needed a coffee break.

Way to eat up time, writers.

Pas de Gay says, “Build me a leg that will let me do that.”  Yeah, they are doctors, not engineers, so you might want to take that into consideration.  Also?  Wah-wahhh.

Angels, this week we need you to be engineers!  At a prison!

Luckily, Karev brings his limp fries to the basement and interrupts uterus talk to ask if anyone has any ideas about the leg bone.  Chipmunk mentions tests using cadaver bones and she gets the limp fries.  No wonder she’s still a virgin.

Torres and Arizona bitch at each other about liking/not liking McSteamy while Karev actually works on their patient’s issue.  He finds the research and shows them the cadaver bone idea.  Now we just need someone to die.

Awww, Worm Butt needs surgery and he’s all upset about the worms being killed during the procedure – can’t they save them?  Christina says dude, you don’t even have an accredited university supporting you, which I think is lame since he has been researching these worms and hasn’t had an asthma attack – sounds like he could get backing if he needed (and look at some of the bullshit research being done anyway).

For the love of Capote, save my worms!  And give me an Emmy nod!

He said he did work at accredited labs, doing other people’s work, and he was dead inside.  Just like Christina!  He says he finally has a passion and knows what he is here to do.  He begs her to save the worms.  Save the worms!

Brazil tries to sign off on her surgery papers and she can’t because chorea has started – hand spasms that won’t let her use her hand properly.  She hasn’t told her physicians because she’s in denial (who wouldn’t be?) but Meredith says they can put her on meds to help.  She gives a list of everything that happened to her mother and she says screw doctors, I’m going to go to Brazil to get laid with a condom!  Can’t blame her there.

Ah, Webber, do you have ANYTHING to do?  He shows Meredith a mockup of a billboard with McDreamy all over it.  Great use of your marketing department, Chief Dumbass.  Mere says it’s “a lot of Derek.”  Come on, too much of McDreamy is NEVER enough.

Great use of time and resources, Chief.

Meredith quizzes Webber on whether or not her mother gave him any indication she had Alzheimer’s.  He says no, but he really doesn’t remember.  What the hell is this all about?  Then she says she would never go to a hospital that put its doctors on billboards.  Amen.  Oh, enjoy your genetic testing.

Worm Butt heads into surgery but Christina has to observe even if she’s not ready to do surgery.  Which she’s not.  At some point, girlfriend is going to have to put up or shut up.

Back with Pas de Seize the Day, Torres explains they are going to take the evil part of his leg bone out, hit it with Superman-like radiation, and after 30 minutes put it back into his leg.  Arizona tells them they usually use a cadaver bone but they don’t have a match that is handy.  Are you kidding me?  It’s Seattle Grace!  They probably have their pick of dead people’s bones!  Oh, and this is somewhat experimental.  So I guess he’ll be back for the season finale when they have to amputate his leg.

Six Feet Under is worried about having to give a statement to the police.  Lexie says accidents happen but this woman is sure they are going to throw her in jail.  Lexie says there is one more test they can run called a tilt test, which I usually run on myself during the holidays with a bottle of scotch.  Chipmunk wants to know if she got permission to run the test and Lexie says it’s not a chore wheel so bug off!  Oh, burn on the chore wheel!

During surgery on Brazil, Teddy and Meredith talk about what they would do if they were dying.  Jackson bats his eyelashes and says wandering around the globe sounds lonely.  He looks at Teddy and asks if he can finish the surgery.  Does someone need a cigarette?  Teddy says no to his eyelashes.  Guess not.

Holy shit, are they watching Trauma:  Life in the E.R.?

Worm Butt starts to crash due to his hypertension and they need to use suction which is going to kill the worms.  Christina tries to get Bailey to save them but too little too late.  Sorry worms!  I’m sure it was a good ride while it lasted.

OMG, please don’t show me cutting Pas de Gay’s bone!  Yuck!  Although cool in theory, I have to admit.  Arizona admits she hates McSteamy because he stares at her boobs.  Torres says that she needs to give him a chance because he’s a friend.  Meh.

If I have to see it, so do you.  Also?  My dogs would totally dig on that bone section!

Six Feet Under had no issue from the tilt test.  She takes this moment to tell Chipmunk and Lexie that her husband left her three months ago for a younger woman named Kimmy.  She says she saw him in the laundromat doing Kimmy’s hot pink undies when he wouldn’t even pick up the laundry during their 38 years of marriage.  So she drove her car through the laundromat to hit him.  Chipmunk and Lexie are horrified.

It’s like watching a train wreck.  Into a laundromat.

Six Feet says she’s sorry to unload on them but figures it’s not a problem because of the doctor-patient confidentiality laws.  Say-what-now-huh?  Oh, Six Feet.  “That only applies to medicine,” Lexie says.  Six Feet says they’re required to keep her secrets.  “That’s lawyers,” Chipmunk says.  Rut-roh!  Sucks to be you!  I’m sure she’ll get out of it – just blame stress or your terrible upbringing, those always work as excuses in the legal system.

I actually thought it was a pretty funny story.

Teddy walks in on Jackson stripping down and she says sorry but he’s like, “It’s cool, what do you need” and he totally flashes his nips and low-slung scrubs.  She quizzes him on a procedure and he tells her what he’d do.  She quizzes him some more and they build up like they are totally going to bang in the on-call room.  But no – she says, “You’re more than a pretty face than you make yourself out to be.”

Holy shit, I think those cabinets ARE from IKEA.  Look at the little spotlights – you can get those there too.  Man, the locker room looks great!

Turns out she’s been onto him for all the flirting and she says she should have him fired.  Uh, good luck, you did call him hot in front of witnesses, so you’d probably be going down too and not in the way he’d like.  She tells him to put his shirt on and do some paperwork.  Hot foreplay!

Christina turns the tides and tries to fish for worms (they’re dead) and Meredith asks her to do a blood test to check for Alzheimer’s.  Yeah, not sure I’d want to know about that.

Brazil is doing better and Meredith gives her medicine to keep her hand calm.  She makes her promise to go to her doctors when she returns.  She does.

Worm Butt is saved and Christina gives him a jar of dead worms.  He cries.  Poor guy…wouldn’t it be awesome if he had an asthma attack and died?  He asks how much time his bowel needs to heal before he puts more worms in it.  If you have to ask, I’d say 2 months.  Christina says he could die so why would he put himself through this again?  “Because I love what I do,” he says.  He then gives this week’s patient-as-philosopher speech that is supposed to reach Christina.  Meh.

My worms went on a bowel obstruction and all I got was this creepy jar!

Six Feet talks to the cops and Karev tells Arizona she has hot boobs and guys don’t discriminate when it comes to lesbo boobs, so she should get over McSteamy staring at them.  Lexie says it’s Meredith’s fault that she’s been a bitch to Chipmunk all day.  She says Meredith is all share-y and worries about Chipmunk but doesn’t seem to care about her and her own issues.  Meredith says look, Chipmunk was with me when I – news flash – had a miscarriage, so she knows a few secrets you don’t.  Also, she sat by Lexie’s bedside for 36 hours so she does worry about her.  “You’re not crazy, you’re a Grey.”  Same dif.

Arizona asks McSteamy to have dinner with her and ditches Torres so they can all learn to get along.  I’ve got a portmanteau for you:  Threesome!

Has Torres always had such a huge head?  Jesus.

And…we’re back in the dorm bathroom.  Chipmunk is doing Biore (not the foreign exchange student!), Karev is flossing bone dust out of his teeth, Jackson is washing his hands (did he pee in front of them?), and Lexie kicks all the boys out.  Boys are so messy, how could they share a bathroom?  She threatens to kill Chipmunk over any chore wheel that goes up.  But at least she gets to keep Izzy’s old room.

Oh my God, then when the boys go to sleep, we can put Noxema on their faces and burn ‘em good!

McDreamy comes home and it’s baby time!  Except Mere ruins foreplay by telling him she’s getting tested for Alzheimer’s.  Then she bitches about not being able to have kids and even if they can, they will have a kid with Alzheimer’s and it will be a horrible, horrible life.

My hot foreplay for tonight is the possibility you may be wiping my ass in the near future.

McDreamy says they might not have kids (why bother with the four that are currently living with you?) and she might get Alzheimer’s, but let’s live life and see what happens.  “Let’s just live,” he says.  “Whatever happens, happens.”  Maybe it’ll happen in Vegas.  Now get down to some lovin’!

Aww, Christina bought the firehouse.  Ironically, without Dr. Ginger.  Today?  No credit check, no back-and-forth with the owners, no loan?  Ah, suspension of disbelief, thy name is Grey’s Anatomy.

No, both are for me.  I have terrible buyer’s remorse. 

Next week?  Everyone gets promoted to attendings – does Christina?  Teddy says it’s time to send her home.  Dun-dun-dunnn!