Grey’s Anatomy: Webber’s Cliché-o-Rama!

“I have great faith in you…That’s why today is different…The training wheels are coming off people…I’m throwing down the gauntlet people…” OH MY GOD Webber shut up.

Throw that gauntlet, just throw it down! 

On this episode of Grey’s Anatomy, fourth years get attending scrubs in NAVY and Webber has an extra $1 million to give to one department.  He wants the attendings to not f#ck up and the real doctors to provide him with a presentation on what they really, really, really want with that money for their departments.  When the hell does a hospital have a surplus and how far is $1 mil going to take them really?  That won’t even cover the lawsuits I’m sure were filed from the shooting.

Did I forget to take a crap this morning?  Something seems off.

Boo-hoo, Lexie doesn’t get navy scrubs but Christina does.  Riddle me that one, Gilligan.  Because she’s only a 3^rd year, Lexie gets to be the newly promoted attendings’ “scut monkey” not to be confused with my dogs who are “cheeky monkeys.”  Christina can only stare at her scrubs.  Yeah, go home if you are going to act comatose again.

“It’s the evolution of the craft…passing of the torch…the lifeblood of the training process…” oh shut up Webber.  Webber then tells the doctors they have to decide the order of who presents their case when because he “loves a good dog fight.”  Well, as long as he’s not fighting for an Emmy, love away.

Pray all you want Webber, every patient dies today.

Torres tells Teddy that Webber is very intimidating and got pissed at her for a typo in her table of contents.  Teddy freaks because OMG! Torres had a table of contents.  Folks, he’s asking you to pitch an idea to get a million bucks and giving you one day to do it.  How much work does he honestly think is going to go into these?

Ah!  Breast reduction surgery for Karev.  Well, not FOR him, but one he’s going to do awl by his wonesome.  Except it’s not some hot chick.  It’s not even a fugly chick.  It’s a dude.  A DUDE.  With boobs bigger than mine oh come on! How fair is that?  The patient is a 13 year-old boy with moobs.  Which I just had to add to my Word dictionary.  Might as well add manziere and bro.

Seriously, where are the censors?  They wouldn’t show a woman’s boobs.

Behind door number two are the local lesbian couple so we can be hip and cool on the show.  Meredith tells them they are going to do brain surgery to remove the pressure from the patient and her partner freaks out because somehow she knows it’s the first day for THOSE navy scrubs.

McDreamy assures them that whoever does the surgery – Meredith or Jackson – is more than qualified and he’ll be observing.  Unfortunately, his hetero charm and rugged facial growth is lost on them because they are lesbians and they are having none of it.

“You’re MY old lady,” the one woman says.  “This should be my call.”  Oh, but in pretty much every state it’s not.  You should have said you were sisters…they have more rights than partners.  Because we humans have nothing else to worry about than who is marrying who.  Or whom.  See?  Why don’t we worry about grammar more?

Meredith and Jackson have to compete to win the surgery and he’s all like, “Competing with the wife, like that’s not a stacked deck.”  No, she’s actually flat as a board and also, who was Flirty McFlirterson last week, douche?  Pot, thy name is Kettle.  Mere tells him it’s all about winning and since he sucks she’s doing the surgery.

Arizona says she has a problem with teens having plastic surgery and I get her point – if it were something like a boob job for bigger boobs or butt lift or something merely cosmetic, but this is a teenage boy…WITH BOOBS.  McSteamy points out if he had growths on his face she wouldn’t mind.  Seriously, if it is something that is hurting a kid’s self-esteem…ears that stick out, big nose or a mouthful of teeth that necessitates headgear, 4.5 years in braces, 3 oral surgeries and 2 years in retainers, then do it.  Was that TMI?  Well, better than TMJ, I guess.

Torres stops by to psych McSteamy and Arizona out about their presentations.  Arizona says no one ever says no to tiny humans and I beg to differ.  The laughter of children cuts through me like a knife and if I EVER, EVER meet the person who designed those goddamn grocery carts that are actually little cars that kids can pretend to drive (while their mother merely hits me with it over and over at the cash register), I will kill them.  I can say no to tiny humans and I often do.

“You’re not going to cry…because you find the chief intimidating?” Torres taunts and Arizona says no then runs off to do some work.  Or cry.  McSteamy calls her out on her mind games and she says ortho needs the money more than tiny humans do.  What is so interesting is when during this entire season has Arizona worked on tiny humans besides about 2 minutes when Teddy was with her discussing her therapist boyfriend?  Exactly.  Because tiny humans can’t act and make for boring characters.

Torres cracks up when McSteamy says he’s getting the money.  She says he never prepares for anything and slides by on his charm, looks and greasy way.  He says it’s because it always works.  She ain’t buying but I think the notches in his bedpost tell otherwise.

Chipmunk and Christina are on rounds with Teddy and their patient needs a new pair of lungs.  He should check out DSW, they have everything this season.  Christina continues to barely run on autopilot and Teddy’s over it.  Get in line.  Chipmunk asks about his emergency contact which turns out to be his daughter.  He says he doesn’t want to trouble her.  Chipmunk tells him his condition is serious.  “It might be time to trouble your daughter,” she says.  Plus, we need another character.

Outside of the patient’s room, Teddy asks them if they think he’s a transplant candidate.  Chipmunk says there is nothing else to do and Christina gives the “I dunno” that is becoming her motto.  Chipmunk asks if they should convene the transplant panel and Teddy asks Christina who once again, does not know.  I would send her home because she’s just taking up valuable oxygen her patient clearly needs.

Either start answering questions or I’ll bind your feet, I swear to God.

Teddy tells Christina to get in the game or she’s telling Webber to send her home.  Hey!  Give her the million to go away!  That would be money very well spent.

Round 1:  Teddy.  With note cards in hand, tells Webber to imagine Seattle Grace as the hospital that made heart surgery obsolete.  And apparently hospital revenues obsolete, doyee.  She wants the money for stem-cell research.  Yeah, one million should cover about 8 months of attorney’s fees once the Catholics find out.  Then she totally loses me in her argument:  “You can’t give this to neuro!”

She complains that McDreamy isn’t a department, he’s a charismatic cult leader who does great surgery and never shaves and doesn’t cultivate talent.  Plus, he tried to get Teddy fired so she’s got a teenie-weenie grudge against him.  Yeah, Teddy, stem cell research is out.  NEXT!

In the drill practice room, Christina is acting like it’s fifth period chem and isn’t paying attention.  Jackson keeps cursing because he keeps shattering his egg and Meredith knows she has the surgery in the bag.  You can drill through the shell but not the membrane of the egg.  Jackson seems to lack that skill.

Lexie comes in and Jackson curses her out for making noise.  Meredith tells her to discharge someone and Lexie says after she does A, B, C, D, E, F, pull a bug outta some kid’s ear, G, H, wipe her nose, and WE GET IT, you’re busy.  Welcome to the real world.  She leaves and clicks her pen over and over and over to irritate Jackson.  Good one.

I don’t care what the kids say, I love your moobs!

Rut-roh, trouble in Ta-Ta-Land.  Jewish mother says she doesn’t want her son to have his boobs removed.  Yes, I just wrote that.  He retorts that she said after his bar mitzvah he’d be a man and he could decide.  Oh, they just tell you that so you’ll go through with it.  Also, you’re Jewish, so you’ll never be a man in your mother’s eyes.  A doctor, maybe, but never your own man.

Hard to see why she’d be nervous about surgery, eh Curious George?

Jewish mother leaves to call her man-boobed husband to tell him the surgery is off and the kid complains to Karev.  The kids at school call him man boobs, double-D and hang bras in his locker.  Kid, it’s called a bro when it’s for men.  Don’t they run Seinfeld episodes on TVLand?

Lungs is having tests run to see if he’s a transplant candidate and Chipmunk tries to tell him he may not be a good candidate.  Because he’s 75 and there’s probably other stuff wrong with him?  Thanks, Dr. Obvious.

Unfortunately, the transplant board requires that we do a frontal prostate exam.  Just something they like to do for fun.

Lungs wants to know what “Sourpuss” a.k.a. Christina thinks.  “I dunno” is going to be my bet.  “I don’t have a sourpuss, this is just my face,” she says.  Chipmunk concedes that yes, her face is naturally sour.

McSteamy and Arizona are pissed because they think Karev blew it with the man boobs.  “I spent two hours consulting with this family last month,” McSteamy says.  Yeah, and you probably spent more time banging McDreamy’s sister.  Two hours is not a lot of time to consult over a boob job, you tool.  Jesus!

Lexie pops in to visit someone who has had some kind of leg injury and asks how she’s doing.  The woman doesn’t answer because she’s texting.  Punch her in the knee, I bet that will get that bitch’s attention.  You know what else might?  Leaving and making her wait another 3 hours to see a doctor.  Rude!

Okay, you can answer me or I can break your thumbs.  Your choice.

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there.  Text Bitch wants to know where Torres is.  “Look, this whole super busy-messy hair-running around like a banshee thing you have going, doesn’t exactly inspire confidence,” she tells Lexie  Oh really?  Well, maybe you can sit tight and we’ll see you next Tuesday, m’kay?  “You don’t even know my case.”

Lexie proceeds to explain her case and totally call her out for lying about being on a bicycle because she was probably on her boyfriend’s bike and someone is missing a proper motorcycle license!  She continues to recite her whole case then says, “And if you’d just tell me how you’re doing I’ll adjust your pain meds and be outta your hair,” although she forgets to add “and so you’ll be so drugged out you’ll shut the hell up.”

Round 2:  Dr. Ginger wants the money for disaster training.  His reason?  Eleven people died in the shooting and he feels three could have been saved if the staff had been trained for disaster. Are you kidding me?  This staff saved a bunch of people on a ferry accident, including one of their own.  Also, be honest.  What are the chances another shooter is going to stop by?  And if you were that worried, how about plowing the mil into MORE SECURITY.  Dr. Ginger, you’re out.  NEXT!

Another shooter could come through that door right there, and then where would you be?  Running to your bariatrics clinic?

Round 3:  Plastics!  McSteamy wants the money for burn victims.  Oh, and he’d like to make Seattle Grace nationally renown for cosmetic reconstructive surgery because he saw Nip/Tuck once and even he isn’t getting that much tail.  Money from the cosmetic surgery clinic would cover the burn clinic.  So why do you need the money?  Should’ve said a bariatric clinic.  Then McSteamy says he’s not seeing anyone and not sleeping with anyone.  “I’m a raw source of raw power.”  Is he hitting on Webber? McSteamy, you’re out.  NEXT!

No, seriously, are you seeing anyone?  Because why not share the man love?

Karev is trying to be polite to Jewish mother about the surgery but she only wants to hear it from McSteamy and Arizona, not from someone who is mostly medical.  Wah-wahhh.

Chipmunk runs up behind Christina (not a good move to scare someone with PTS) and tells her that Lungs has tons of other things wrong, including almost being in renal failure.  Thanks for playing, Lungs, your consolation prize is the quick onset of death.  Suddenly Chipmunk’s voice begins to echo and Christina just doesn’t know…doesn’t know…doesn’t know…Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon…Manny Mota…Mota…Mota.

Meredith and Jackson are drilling eggshells for McDreamy thatswhatshesaid.  When they finish, Meredith shows off her initials, aww, It’s a Good Thing.  Then Jackson shuts her down and shows that he drilled his entire name into the egg without breaking the membrane.  Someone just had their ass handed to them!  McSteamy calls her overconfident.  Ass-handing part deux.

Plus, it reads, “I WUV U.”

Round 4:  Arizona is up and has a fresh package of tissues in her pocket courtesy of her lovahhh Torres.  Nice.  She says wouldn’t it be wonderful to save the small humans and Webber wakes up and says she made a compelling case.  She asks if he thought she was going to cry and she pulls out the package of tissues.  Then she spends the next 10 minutes talking about how she’s a crier and how it makes her want to punch someone.  So, a crier with anger management issues?  Arizona, pack your bags, you’re out.  NEXT!

Look, I’m moving these with my finger.  And if I don’t get the money for tiny humans, you can shove those where the sun don’t shine.  Seattle!

Dr. Ginger asks Christina if she’s okay and she says she doing what’s being asked of her.  I would disagree, I would say she’s acting like a weeping willow tree.  Dr. Ginger suggests she take him to the alley and kick his ass.  How do I get some of that action?  And is it me or do these two have absolutely no chemistry?

Christina, accept that you married a ginger or get some botox because sister..those “worry lines” are going to stay.

McSteamy and Arizona are just hanging out with Jewish mother because they clearly don’t have anything better to do that day when Karev comes storming up to her and says yes, thirteen is young for plastic surgery but the kid is not growing out of his man boobs.  He says he’s through puberty, his dad has them, and yes, he could wait but does Jewish mother really want to subject him to all the social pressures and teasing he is going to get?  Wait, don’t answer that.

“He’s a dude with breasts and he’s heading to high school to be subjected to psychological damage…you want your kid to be a man, let him make his own decisions!”  Wow, did someone have a ball transplant at the cosmetic reconstructive surgery of McSteamy’s imagination?  Surgery’s back on!

Back with Text Bitch, now she’s got a headache and her eyesight is blurry.  Maybe it’s from texting too much.  They are going to do a head CT and see what’s wrong.  Bet they find out she’s a great big bitch on the inside too.

Look, I told you to cooperate, now it’s Thumb-Breakin’ Time!

Jackson is starting to drill when a nurse tells McDreamy that Lexie is paging for a consult.  “We’re in surgery,” McDreamy points out.  What gave it away Dr. Obvious the Second?  He tells Meredith to go consult for Lexie and she says, “Are you sure, I wouldn’t want to be overconfident…” and McDreamy doesn’t even look at her and her bitchiness.  Good.

Christina as Paperweight:  A Study in Oils.

Chipmunk whines to Christina she’s more neuro than cardiothorasic, and I’m thinking she’s a little bit country and not rock’n roll.  She’s worried she’ll humiliate herself in front of the organ transplant panel.  Christina snaps out of it briefly and says that Teddy could have convened a panel yesterday but didn’t – what does that tell you lil’ Chipmunk?

Rut-roh!  Text Bitch is crashing and Meredith tosses the boyfriend out.  That had to feel good.  Lexie gives the stats and freaks that Meredith is the neuro consult.  Really?  Turns out Text Bitch is on blood thinners and she’s got a brain bleed.  Surgery to the rescue!

Once again the sound of the beepers makes my dogs nuts and clearly upsets Jackson because he jams something where it’s not supposed to go and blood goes everywhere.  “Are you kidding me?” is all McDreamy can sputter.  “Are you kidding me?”  Yes, he is totally jerking your chain, you’ve been Punked!  And so has that lady’s brain!

Yeah, nice job BP!  It’s a gusher!

Round 5:  Torres wants to “xenograph” people.  Oh, man, is this using dead people bones for live people?  She wants to turn Seattle Grace into the nation’s best sports medicine facility.  Ah, it’s only because she’s headed back to her hetero life and she wants to bang ball players.  He said he was hoping for something more inspirational, like Arizona and her tiny humans.  Boooring.  Then Torres complains she was a late-blooming lesbian and this will level the playing field with her lovahhh.  Oh, Torres.  You’re OUT, literally and figuratively.  NEXT!

If you add just a little garlic, tiny humans taste much better.

Lungs asks Christina if she’s autistic, haha.  No, clearly she has Asperger’s, duh. He says he called his daughter and she wants no part of the situation – messy divorce and she sided with the mother.  Chipmunk pops her head in and says it’s time for the panel.  Lungs begins to cough and Christina helps him.  He says he wants to live.  Don’t we all?  Well, sometimes during boring meetings at work I wish for a quick death.

McDreamy can’t leave Jackson’s f#ck-up to help Meredith, so she’s doing surgery on her own.  Super-fun YAY!  And if she botches it, there’s your million – Lawsuit City.

With Text Bitch in surgery, I can ponder how much I look like a young George Clooney…

Man boobs are being removed as McSteamy and Arizona both watch.  Wouldn’t just one doctor really be needed?  Kind of a waste of a surgeon’s time.

When did Queen Amadala start practicing neurosurgery?

Musical montage…Meredith cuts through Text Bitch’s skull like it’s an eggshell…McDreamy stops the bleeding…Karev removes the least sexiest boobs of his life.  Lungs coughs one of his up…almost.  Bailey asks Teddy about Chipmunk talking to the transplant board.  “Yang’s been useless,” Teddy says. “She’s no better than an intern.”  Wow, way to slam the interns.  Also, Christina overhears this.  Ha!  McDreamy shows up and Meredith tells him to go blow himself, she’s got it.  “Yes, you do,” he says.  So makeup sex is on the schedule after dinner then?

Jesus, I hate CNN.  Who has the remote?

Round 6:  Neuro!  McDreamy wants to find a cure for Alzheimer’s.  For $1 mil.  Someone’s McDreamin’.  McDreamy says Meredith was perfect in surgery today.  She’s got her mother’s talent…but what if she has her mother’s disease?  Oh, low blow saying that to the man the elder Dr. Grey had an affair with for years.  Not that she remembered, anyway!

McDreamy says every time Meredith forgets her keys or asks what day of the week it is, he gets worried.  Bitch, please, I can’t remember the days of the week or my keys and I’m barely putting in 40 hours a week, mostly because I’m on TVgasm most of the day.  But for a doctor who is working non-stop, give her a break.  He says that he’ll continue to get investors on this after the money Webber has because someone they know will be affected by it.  And they’re scared.  Hmm…compelling, but I still don’t think you’ll get the money.  I bet Webber has already bought into a bariatric clinic.

Man boobs is no more!  He’s thrilled – “I don’t have boobs!”  Jewish mother cries.  “She was scared but now she’s happy,” Karev says.  “You’re the man!” the kid says. “No you are!” Karev says.  Fist bump.  Men!

What a waste of good boobs!

Panel time!  Chipmunk says they thought this guy was a transplant candidate but now they don’t because he has fungal pneumonia (like the toenail commercial?  Gross) and he’s on his way to kidney failure.  She says he doesn’t belong on the waiting list.  Webber’s like WTF are you wasting our time for?  Chipmunk says that initially she thought he was but recent test show he isn’t.  Then Webber gets her on some semantics and I have to cry bullshit.

Maybe if I hum the theme to Star Trek, they’ll forget I’m here…Dooo-dooo-do-do-do-do-doooo….

Chipmunk then says he has no support system – no one to get him to post-op appointments or make sure he takes his medication.  She says they thought the daughter could help but she really just wants him to drop dead. No support could be an issue.  “That’s not a reason,” Christina says.  I beg to differ, but since this is the first life she’s shown this season, let’s roll with it.

Jesus, she so off key.

Teddy asks if she has something to add and Christina says no.  Snore.  Teddy reiterates the support factor and Christina says it’s one factor but this guy is borderline.  His will to live should count for something and he definitely has it.  Don’t we all when we come face-to-face with it, not when we’re downing that sandwich that uses chicken patties as the bun?  He’s sick, no support system and he’s 75.  See ya, Lungs!  But Christina says they should give him the lungs.  Maybe they can pay for it with Webber’s money.

Meanwhile, Jackson asks McDreamy what he should say to the woman about making her brain bleed and proving her partner completely accurate on his abilities.  “You don’t say anything,” McDreamy says.  No shit, Dick Tracy.  I have NO medical training besides the self-medication of Alka-Seltzer cold medicine and even I know to shut the hell up with stuff like this.  Don’t mention you almost killed them…lawyers can hear that kind of talk miles away.  Just smile and look pretty like always.  And go drill an egg.

Yeah, you tell the truth when flies come streaming out of my mouth.  Dumbass!

Chipmunk is pissed that Christina told her to agree with Teddy and when she did, Christina turned on her.  No kidding.  Teddy says, “The right decision is making a decision.”  Mmmm…schmaybe.  The panel agreed to put him on the list…okay, so he isn’t being green-lighted to just get them.  She tells Christina, “Congratulations, you are a doctor today.”  Yeah, I’m going to need to see more proof…like Season 1 proof.

Round 7:  Bailey’s no-nonsense request to fix three broken hospital machines in the basement and add a night nurse is less than inspiring to Webber.  Because that’s what this is all about, creating fantasies for Webber.  She’s like, “I can do the whole tap-dance about how I’m going to [funny voice] ‘change the face of medicine with a million dollars’ but you can’t do anything with a million dollars.  I’m realistic.”

Bitch, please!  I have to bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, AND never let you forget you’re a man?  Just fix the damn equipment and give me my Emmy.

Then she bitches about why Webber is making them do this because she knows he doesn’t have the money in the first place.  He cryptically says, “Things may be different here in a few weeks.”  Like next week?

Christina checks on Lungs and semi-smiles.  “Now I can’t call you sourpuss anymore,” he says.  Meredith voices-over about growing up as we see everyone tossing their scrubs into the laundry for some low-life intern to wash.  Lexie is asleep on a bench in the locker room.

And WTF?!?!?!?!?  Dr. Ginger wins the money?  Oh, I would have put him LOW-LOW-LOW on the list.  Everyone is pissed and gives him look of death, especially McDreamy.  Then we see Meredith and McDreamy at home and she’s looking for her keys in her purse.  McDreamy points out they are already in her hand.  Oh, come on, who hasn’t done that?  Looked for something they already had in their hands or put something somewhere odd because they were off-track.  Poor McDreamy.

I’m never going to win an Emmy with this staff!

Next week?  A documentary film crew comes to Seattle Grace and makes them re-evaluate the tragedy they lived through.  Hope somebody breaks something!  I think it’s Jackson and it looks like a hamper.  I wonder if they made him wash this week’s scrubs?