Grey’s Anatomy: Yang Her Back!

There’s a knock at Meredith’s bedroom door and it’s Christina.  She says, “Owen’s at the hospital and…forget it, I’m sorry.”  Meredith tells her to come on and makes room for her in bed.  The one she shares with McDreamy.  As an adult.  Christina says it’s kind of weird with McDreamy there and I’m thinking NOW you think it’s weird?  But she jumps into bed anyway.

Worst threesome ever.  Or is it?  There is an Asian.

The next morning McDreamy rolls over and puts his arms around Meredith only to notice she has an extra set of hands!  When he realizes there was a threesome that he slept through, he finds his rightful place at the very far edge of the bed.  And thus begins another typical day for the incestuous staff of Seattle Grace Mercy West Regional Presbyterian St. Jude Medical Center.

At the hospital, McShrinky is telling a group of surgeons that most of the staff has been cleared for surgery and anyone else will be referred to another doctor who wasn’t as hot as he was.  McDreamy asks about Christina and Webber says it’s McShrinky’s recommendation that she be assigned research and typing because they are less stressful.  Have you ever tried to type while someone watches?  Spelling errors galore!

McDreamy says he’ll take her on but Webber says she cannot be on any surgeries.  “Do that and she’ll leave,” McDreamy says.  Well, she’s been okay so far.  There’s a heated discussion among the surgeons – some think she’s ready, some don’t, and my question is, how could Lexie get approved so quickly after being certified cuckoo but Christina is just given the brush-off?  Why wouldn’t she be in some kind of mandated PTS care versus just given filing to do?

“She crawled under a table in the OR two weeks ago,” McShrinky says.  Okay, good point, however the instruments crashing to the ground sounded like a gunshot to her but her surgical skills up to that point were fine.  Perhaps we could make sure the instruments were not in her way and give her easier surgeries to build up her confidence?  Although screw it if you think I’m going under her knife!

McDreamy overestimates his worth and says, “If she goes, I go,” and once again Webber does not call his bluff.  Outside the conference room, Meredith says they can’t kick her out of the program and Christina says she doesn’t care what they do.  McDreamy walks out and tells Christina she’s with him.  Webber’s such a wuss.

Some brunette is looking for McDreamy and the receptionist won’t give up his office location.  McSteamy explains that the last person looked for McDreamy without an appointment shot him.  HAHAHA oh my God McSteamy, that was HI-larious.  Brunette screams and hugs McSteamy.  Don’t we all?

Hi, can you tell me where you keep the vending machine with the surgical privileges?  Thanks.

Brunette says McSteamy looks hot and he tells her she looks older than when he last saw her.  Prior to your sexual predator conviction?  She tells him he can call her hot, “Because I am.”  She must be related to McDreamy and I’m right!  It’s his sister.  Arrogance certainly runs in that family, doesn’t it?  And so does neurosurgery because she’s a doctor too.  She brought him a brain tumor in the form of a patient she met on the plane.  God, why do people feel the need to share everything on trans-continental flights?  It’s not Facebook.

Arizona complains to Torres that Dr. Ginger and Christina have to get out of the apartment because three’s company but four is going to be a crowd and kind of creepy.  Torres, taking the Webber way out, asks Teddy to casually drop Dr. Ginger a note between surgery and detention asking him if and when he and Christina are moving out.  “Check this box for soon and this box for SOONER.”

Oh my God, taupe was not on my list of paint colors.

Unfortunately, Teddy is a sad bear today because McShrinky is going to be leaving soon and she made the rookie whore mistake of “getting attached.”  Reminds me of the time Roseanne said, “Everyone confuses sex with love.  Except men.”  Oh, Teddy, did you not see the end of his doctoring coming?  Or is this just a prelude to yet ANOTHER doctor giving up his thriving practice to come work in Seattle?  “I’m not G.I. Jane, I’m attachment Barbie,” she says.  Oh, bitch, you did not just put down Barbie.

Oh…my God, why are you still talking about paint chips?

McDreamy is walking down the hall with Click and Clack when he gets paged for a consult.  He looks up and says, “Oh, come on.”  I know, your sister irritates me too.  McDreamy introduces Christina and Meredith to his sister Brunette and Meredith seems surprised she’s there.  Or maybe it’s just surprise at yet ANOTHER woman coming out of McDreamy’s past that she didn’t know about.  Seriously, $500 and a good private detective would reduce the surprises, Mere.

Brunette introduces the pituitary gland by the wrong name and McDreamy’s like, good luck to you both.  She tells McDreamy she thinks this guy has a tumor and McDreamy’s asks the guy if she said he has spongy hands – she did.  “And were your hands on her breasts at the time?”  So her consult was a mile-high hook up.  She is Klassy all around.

Meredith tells McDreamy he should at least buy his sister a cup of coffee and he says if he bought all of his sisters a cup of coffee, they wouldn’t have anything left.  Is he from a Catholic family?  Also, does he hate on all of his sisters?  I’m guessing so.  He tells Christina to check this guy and find a surgeon and blows everyone off.  I’m kind of with him on this one and I don’t even know why he’s mad at Spongy Breasts.

Webber is pushing a patient into an elevator and waits for Karev who suddenly says he needs to pick up some lab results.  Or, you don’t want to be in an elevator and people are just now picking up on this.  Meredith tries to step in, then Chipmunk, but the doors close too quickly.  Suckers.

Chipmunk asks why Meredith isn’t with McDreamy and is told that Christina is working with him today.  Chipmunk stutters through a round of sentences about why Christina isn’t ready then asks why Christina was in the house this morning…is she living with Meredith and McDreamy?  Oy, what is up with that?  Does anyone out there really live like these people do?  “Mind your own business,” Mere tells her.  I’m trying to but your show hasn’t been cancelled yet.

Out in the ambulance lane, a woman is screaming at her husband to get out of the car.  Bailey tells her this area is for ambulances only (because Security is on break?  No wonder a gunman got into the hospital).  The man won’t get out of the car and Bailey says that if he is sick, they can help him.

“Can you help with these?” he says and Bailey looks but we don’t get to see.  Her face changes and she says, “Yes, but we can’t help if you don’t get out of the car.”  Oh my God, my first thought was that he had elephantitis of the nuts and this was going to be another episode of laugh riots.  I could not have been more wrong.

Seriously, writers, this isn’t as funny as big balls.

He gets out of the car and it turns out he has that “Tree Man” disease of the bark-like skin.  Lexie is totally smooth as she screams, “OH MY…sorry!”  as she holds her hand up to her face and almost vomits.  Great bedside manner. “People are great, aren’t they?” Tree Man says.  “Real sweethearts.”  Yeah, enjoy apologizing all day, Lexie.

This is your apology?  A trip to Hurl City?

Chipmunk and Meredith are helping out a woman who is having chest pains and trouble breathing, and she thinks it’s either cancer or stress about her upcoming wedding.  Well, they are so similar.  Chipmunk says they need to do a chest X-ray and asks if there is any chance she could be pregnant.  Instead of just saying no like most people do, they both chuckle and go into this long-winded description about how she’s a virgin and they are waiting until their wedding night, and now the doctors think they are freaks.  Again, a simple “No” would have sufficed, dumbasses.

I know, the 1950s is fun!  Just ask Mad Men.

Brunette is totally awesome!  While they are waiting for a scan of Pituitary Boy, she keeps asking McDreamy about getting shot – did it hurt?  Did he feel it when it when in?  Was there just pain?  Jesus, have some decorum you dumb bitch.

They see the tumor and McDreamy asks Christina the best approach.  She says, “I dunno.”  He asks her another question and Christina just sits there.  Brunette gets pissy and answers the question herself.  Then he tells Christina to book an OR because she will be scrubbing in.  She tries to get out of it but can’t.  Sucka!

I bet if I try hard enough I can get this piece of celery out of my teeth without floss…

Brunette says Pituitary Boy is her patient and she doesn’t want girl with learning disability to scrub in.  “You might as well shoot him,” she says.  Again, DECORUM.

Ah, Tree Man.  Turns out he caught HPV somewhere and his immune system was unable to manage it, so the “warts” as they are calling it got “out of control.”  I’ll say!  He’ll need surgery because each wart has its own blood supply and is Lost in Love.  No, wait, that’s Air Supply.

The guy says basically he’ll go from looking like a tree to looking like Frankenstein and no one disagrees.  McSteamy says they will do skin grafts (with WHAT?) but yes, the warts will keep coming back. However, if he has regular surgeries they could keep things under control.  Uh-huh.  Tell that to the insurance company.

Then the truth comes out.  His wife is upset because they can’t go out to restaurants or movies because he wants to live like a hermit.  Geez Louise, get some girlfriends!  The man has BARK FOR HANDS!  Of course he doesn’t want to leave the house, it would be humiliating.  It’s for better or worse and this is WORSE.  She says he’s having the surgery or she’s going to leave him and he’s got no one else so there’s your choice.  He ought to divorce her and sue for palimony.

I have no idea what I answered on Match.com that had them matching us.

Meh.  Brunette see Meredith at the surgery board and asks if it’s okay that she write her name on the board since she brought in the patient and “they did give me privileges.”  My dogs could get privileges at that hospital!  McDreamy comes by and erases her name.  Meredith doesn’t understand.  Well, Mere, maybe there is a back story you don’t know.

Like maybe Brunette crashed McDreamy’s while high on pain pills after stealing his prescription pad and writing the prescription herself.  She overdosed and was dead for three minutes before McDreamy revived her.  “So no, I don’t trust her in my OR.”  There’s your answer fish bulb.

Christina is really being a petulant child.  I mean, I realize she’s having trouble, but why not go to Webber and ask to be put on leave or specific (typing!) duties to get away from McDreamy and surgery if it’s this much trouble.  She asks Dr. Ginger if he’d still love her if she weren’t a surgeon. It would have been awesome if he had said no but instead he says he’d love her if she were a plumber.  Uh, rude!  Good plumbers are worth their weight in gold!

Oh, here we go, operating room girl talk.  Teddy is doing surgery on Virgin Suicides while Meredith and Chipmunk assist.  They all discuss the virgin status and Teddy’s like at least she won’t get hurt and Chipmunk thinks it’s sweet while Mere is like, how did I get stuck with these Lonesome Losers.  And there’s your Little River Band reference.  I really need to stop listening to the oldies station.

They pull out the foreign item…and it’s…a condom!  In her lung!  Okay, my first thought was that she was nervous about their first night and that she was practicing on a banana.  Right?

Dr. Ginger and McDreamy talk about Christina sleeping over and McDreamy explains it beautifully.  He reminds Dr. Ginger of the movie E.T. and says, remember how when Elliott got sick, so did E.T., when E.T. got drunk, Elliott got drunk, when E.T. smoked crack…you get the point.  They had a weird bond, just like Christina and Meredith.  McDreamy and Dr. Ginger are like the federal agents who just don’t understand.  So basically, everyone needs to chill while the residuals come in.

Also, Christina’s breasts are flat, like this.  Can you please keep her at your house from now on?

So the young ones are all sitting around discussing their “first time.” Karev banged the high school nurse in her car (then later learned to drive in it), Meredith’s guy had no clue what he was doing, Jackson tells everyone about his junior prom threesome, Christina’s chemistry TA was her first and Chipmunk is very, very quiet…then she finally says it was on a beach at sunset which is code for VIRGIN.  Karev catches it and makes fun of her along with everyone else.  Ha!

I was so busy studying for my MCATs I forgot to have sex.

Brunette is in the scrub room prior to surgery and tells McDreamy this is “not about him.”  Two men in her life have been shot and one of them didn’t make it and one happened when she was five and she doesn’t remember it.  He’s like bitch, sorry it’s hard for you but it really isn’t about you and for the thousandth time GO HOME.

She follows him into the OR and says it’s her patient (then take him back to YOUR hospital) and Christina is terrible.  Christina walks in and says she’s sorry she’s late, there was a huge line at the cafeteria.  He tells Brunette she can scrub in.

Back with Tree Man surgery…what I found the most fascinating about this is how many people did not have consult appointments that day not to mention how many surgeons were able to perform what can only be hours and hours of surgery on this guy at a moment’s notice.  I need a mole checked and I can’t get in for two months.

This is exactly the last thing Katie Holmes saw before she woke up “impregnated” by Tom Cruise!

So, surgery begins and Jackson asks the different between the horn and a finger and basically Bailey says it’s the amount of blood.  Ew.  This looks totally gross and everyone in the hospital is in the viewing room because well, it’s gross.  Lexie is ready to vomit up a lung.

Time for the truth to come out!  Chipmunk asks Virgin Suicide’s fiancé to step outside and he gets worried.  Virgin says it’s okay for him to stay, which of course she’s going to regret.  In 3…2…1…”The blockage in your lung was a condom.”  Rut-roh!  Fiancé gets pissed because he’s waited two years sans sex while she screwed somebody else.  He walks out.  Whore!

Whatchutalkin’boutWillis?

Christina continues to phone it in during surgery and McDreamy keeps trying to help her.  There’s a bit of an emergency and he asks Christina to fix the situation.  She panics and makes him do it.  Oops.

Once again Webber catches Karev running up and down the stairs and says he stinks so he can’t scrub in.  Is this the first time he’s noticed this?  I mean, Karev must have been doing this since the shooting, right?  Wasn’t he a huge stinkpot before today?

Goddammit, Karev, no pit stains in my OR!

McSteamy says that they don’t have a lot of skin to use for skin grafts because most of the skin is developing the warts.  Turns out he’ll have a lot of “open wounds” and Jackson says looks like the guy was right – he is going to look like Frankenstein.  Bailey gives him a look, but Jackson’s right.  They probably didn’t do this guy any favors.  And no one wants to go to dinner with an oozing open-sored guy.

Back with Virgin, Fiancé wants the engagement ring back.  But it turns out there was a bachelorette party with a sex toy education section.  Virgin put a condom on a banana and accidentally inhaled it.  Okay, kids?  Here’s the thing.  If you are at a party where you put a condom on a banana, phellate it, and the condom is missing and nowhere to be found, it’s probably still inside you.

Also, have you ever swallowed an aspirin?  You can feel it going down (pun intended), right?  Chances are good you are GOING TO FEEL A CONDOM GOING DOWN YOUR THROAT.  Would this not be something you’d take care of ASAP or at least think to mention to the doctors at the emergency room?  Also, rest assured there will be no banana pudding ever made in that house again. Fiancé laughs and is totally okay with her going down on a banana.  Peace is restored.

Yeah, you lost your virginity to a banana.  Hope you composted the foreskin.

Still stuck in surgery, Christina asks if they are done with the patient.  They are and she leaves.  Brunette is like, how did she get past her internship, she’s a total dud.  McDreamy finally blurts out that Christina saved his life and he owes her everything.  Now please type in www shut the hell up dot com and, “Get the hell out!”

Hey, anyone up for scrambled eggs?  I suddenly have a hankerin’ !

Back with Tree Man, they are on pound twelve of horns removed.  “Ebay here I come,” Jackson says.  Bailey yells at them until she takes off another horn and a spider crawls out.  At first I thought it was a cockroach but still, that is gross.  Bailey freaks until the spider is smashed to the ground.  Sanitary!

Lipo would have been a way easier way to lose that weight.

McDreamy catches up with Christina who is playing solitaire.  Yeah, she probably should be put on leave or at least not get paid for the time she spends there.  McDreamy says he never would have picked her to be a part of his life – professionally, yes, not personally.  But he says now they are family and he is worried about her.  He says she’s flaming out and it’s not okay.  She has too much potential and it’s not okay for this to happen.

She admits she can barely remember doing surgery on him.  She says she only remembers bits and pieces and they come back at very inconvenient times, so “end of story,” and she walks out.  Aren’t you going to finish your game of solitaire?  Oh, maybe you are.

Karev flies down another flight of stairs and Webber grabs him.  He says I know you are taking the stairs because you laid in that elevator in a pool of your own blood, but some day you won’t be able to stair-master it because you’ll have a critical patient who can’t wait.  So he gets Karev into the elevator and they are going to ride it together until Karev is okay.  Yeah, just don’t swallow the condom, Karev.

I need to recommend Old Spice deodorant…you using AXE would just tear a hole in the time-space continuum.

Back with Tree Man, McSteamy is telling Tree Wife that there wasn’t enough skin for the skin grafts so they’ll have to revisit that later.  Shouldn’t that guy have some gauze on his face right now?  Seems unsafe not to have those wrapped up.  McSteamy says it could be six months to a year.  “So in the meantime, he’s still going to look like a freak?” she asks. Wow, seriously?  I mean, it’s not like he broke his nose, this is a pretty major disease.

Be careful what you wish for…he’s still probably not going to want to go to Denny’s and a movie.

“So I’m not going to get even a few months where he’ll want to go out?” she bitches.  McSteamy says they will need to be patient and she’s like have you met Tree Man?  She says she hasn’t kissed or held her husband’s hand in years (could you find it?).  She says she needs to live life even if he’s going to be a hermit.  “Love isn’t enough anymore,” she says.  Of course, McSteamy thinks this refers to his relationship with Lexie.  Arrogant bastard.

McDreamy brings Christina into an OR that has a cadaver.  He makes her complete the same surgery on the dead guy that she did on McDreamy.  He hands her the scalpel and tells her to get going.  “What are you going to do, kill him?”  So she makes the incision and can’t remember what to do next…until she picks up that hideous buzz saw that splits opens people’s chests.

Like most patients at Seattle Grace, this one too ended up dead.

Outside of the hospital, Brunette sees McDreamy and says, “Don’t worry, I’m leaving the premises.”  Thank God.

McDreamy then tells her about the day her father died.  They were in the back of the store and their dad was up front when two robbers came in.  They cleaned out the cash register then asked for their dad’s watch.  He didn’t want to give it up because their mother had gotten it for him, so they shot and killed him.  McDreamy held his sister back from running up there and had his hand cupped over her mouth so she wouldn’t scream.  So basically, he saved her life.

“How am I supposed to call you up and tell you’ve I’ve been shot?”  Well, he’s got you there.  Then he puts his arm around her and says, “NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF SEATTLE!”  I may be adding that last part.

In the teacher’s lounge, everyone is having a glass of brandy thanks to the bottle Bailey keeps in her locker.  Brandy?  She strikes me as a scotch kind of gal.  Arizona says, “We’re going to live in a frat house forever, aren’t we?” and Torres is like Meredith’s is the frat house, our place is the off-campus apartment where the burnouts go to buy pot.  Truer words were never spoken.

I love settling back with a glass of pancake syrup after a long day of condom-retrieving.

McShrinky opens the door without knocking, rude, and they all say they need to get Bailey a real drink.  Teddy stays behind and they have their breakup conversation.  She fesses up she got in too deep and he says she’s interesting…she seems to like relationships where the men are not available, engaged or only in town for a few weeks.  “You’re making some lousy choices and you deserve a little more,” he says.  Does he consider himself a lousy choice?

Musical montage!  Karev and Webber continue to ride the elevator.  Tree Wife kisses Tree Man goodbye, I’m assuming.  Enjoy going to the movies by yourself!  And at the bar, they all tease Chipmunk about being a virgin.

Chipmunk blows her top and admits her virginity and says there are things they all have that they don’t talk about.  She tells Alex she knows he’s been afraid of the elevator, that Jackson wakes up screaming every night because of his nightmares, that Meredith doesn’t talk about Christina because she’s not sure she’s ever going to be the same, and that the reason McSteamy stares at Lexie is because he’s in love with her.  But she never said anything because it wasn’t her business!

She says they all have stuff they don’t talk about.  She says she wanted her first time to be special, then she waited to long and now guys find her annoying (it’s not just guys, honey).  Meredith says she’s liking Chipmunk more and more.

Back at the burnout apartment, Dr. Ginger comes home to Christina and will be there all night. She says she might be happy as a plumber.  Suddenly their special time is interrupted by Torres and Arizona coming in totally drunk and tearing off each other’s clothes.  “We have to get our own place,” Christina says as Dr. Ginger reaches for the newspaper.  I think the writers really missed their chance here – they could have had Dr. Ginger says, “Why?” Heh.  Well, maybe another time.

Holy shit, that sample of Elegant Eggshell is horrifying!

Lexie goes back to the hospital to find McSteamy, but he’s making out with Brunette.  Bummer for all of us having to see that.

Yeah, if you didn’t see this coming, you are blind.  And if you’re blind, you probably got ”Recaps on Tape” at the library.

Next week?  A ballet dancer with bone cancer wants them to build him a prosthetic leg so he can still dance and Meredith and McDreamy have to go to the fertility clinic because the show has jumped the shark into baby land.  Six billion people on the earth and every female character on TV has to go through the fertility clinic story line.  Don’t the writers ever learn, babies ruin every show!  Unless it’s Baby Mozart tapes.