Grey’s Anatomy: Basketball Jones

This weeks’ episode of Grey’s shows us how many people Meredith can push to the edge of death and how many she can snatch back in 3600 seconds. That’s an hour (for those who  graduated from the same public school system I did).

Bright-eyed and cheery isn’t a description I’ve ever heard attached to a woman who has to be injected with something other than a penis to get knocked up. Nonetheless, that’s what the writers of Grey’s gives us. Meredith’s hormone-induced happiness has her laughing, instead of swearing, at Yang who is shoving chips into her mouth when she should be helping Meredith run the busy E.R. Surprisingly, Meredith volunteered her services because she has her eyes on the chief resident position. A few episodes ago, she did refer to herself as an overachiever, but honestly, I don’t remember her being ambitious about much over the past few seasons. That’s if you don’t count getting laid.

Baby drool, vomit, and dirty diapers might be floating around Meredith’s head like a carousel at a cheap shopping mall carnival, but she hasn’t lost all of her senses. When Yang tells her that pregnant Callie has asked her to be a Godmother, Meredith quickly says, “You said no to that, right?” Yang’s mouth drops open. A black hooded cape and a little less make-up, and she’s Ghostface from “Scream.”

Someone owes Sandra Oh some residuals.

Meredith escapes the conversation by going to exam Oliver, a patient with chest pains. After Meredith orders a battery of time-consuming tests for Oliver, he wishes he would’ve told her that he had heartburn. That’s smart considering that liars tend to leave the E.R. hearses.

Oliver and his 9-year-old son were going to a college basketball game. Karev has the night off and tickets to the same game, but medical records called him in to complete his unsigned charts or face suspension. He could’ve signed those charts last week when he was stalking the new OB doctor, but I guess time flies when you’re groveling. Karev’s shows his vulnerable side while listening to the father of a boy with two broken legs talk to Meredith about how long they’ve been waiting. Karev’s heart is bleeding for them until he remembers that he has floor seats.

Tucked far away from the commotion, Bailey is giggling at Eli’s indecent proposal until Meredith walks past and makes her presence known. Little Grey is in the E.R. treating Mitch, a patient with a serious problem—a nasty wife with ridiculously red hair. Carrot Top Bitch is pissed at her hubby for having a migraine. It’s their anniversary, but why should he get to enjoy it too? “Why can’t he just suck it up so we can make our dinner reservations,” her cold eyes are screaming.

Adele Webber, The Chief’s wife, has also been admitted to the E.R. because she slipped off a step ladder and landed on her wrist. Adele is trying to convince Meredith that she can wait. She understands that Meredith has “more pressing patients” like the drunk who has just walked into the E.R. with a knife protruding out of his head.

Bailey’s hand is on the door of the “sleep or slut it up” room when Meredith approaches her looking for Teddy. For a medical professional who would never consider having sex there, she’s stammering and talking awfully stupid about being tired. A 2-year old could lie better.

“Everybody’s doin’ it.”

Meredith spots Teddy, but Teddy spots her date for the evening and runs to talk to him until her husband shows up. Henry yaps about who at the hospital needs his pee and who needs his blood. After the discussion on bodily fluids ends, Teddy introduces the two. The nervous face and gestures come one after the other like Macy’s parade floats. And each tic makes Teddy look less attractive than the one before.

“I’ve gotta get my hands on some Botox.”

Once she’s away from her date and her charity work (i.e, husband), Teddy talks shop and asks Meredith to rush the results for Oliver. She’s anxious to go out. Excited, she asks Meredith, “Did you see him?” Compared to McDreamy, Teddy’s dude is McNightmarish.

Karev’s can’t get April to forge his signature on his charts, but Dr. Feel Me Up Fields can’t wait to help. He reminds her that she thought he was a loser. Not so much anymore; he likes college hoops. First she’s serious. Then, she’s grinning ear to ear. Either she’s a bad actress or her character is supposed to be bipolar?

“I give you a pen today and my penis tomorrow. Deal?”

In the elevator with Yang, Meredith points out that Mark, Callie and Arizona all would have to die before Yang would get to step up.”One wrong turn down a dark, twisty road, and boom, you’re in,” Meredith promises. Yang lets Meredith know that she’ll only be a Godparent in name only. Raising kids is not for her. That’s why there’s boarding schools. Is that where Yang’s mother went wrong?

Stewball, the guy who was knifed in the head during a tailgating party for tonight’s Huskies’ game, is still chugging the beers.

The Chief talks loudly at Meredith, demanding to know why he found out about Adele from a scrub nurse in his surgery. Adele saves Meredith’s ass by lying to her hubby, or so Meredith thinks. Adele says Meredith hasn’t had a chance to examine her yet. Thankfully, the commotion in Stewball’s room gives Meredith a reason to walk away. Stewball is showing the team of doctors slopping up his blood how the knife moves when he moves his eyebrows. I don’t think there’s anything surrounding the tip of that knife but air.

Yang gets Stewball and his friend to stop high-fiving long enough to check his brain function. It’s typical of Yang to give him a series of math problems that don’t involve single-digit numbers. Of course, he gets them wrong. She’s stupid for not realizing how stupid her patient is. I’m surprised she didn’t throw in a few square root questions too. Despite his “F” in hospital room geometry, Stewball is of solid mind. With that good news, he and his friend decide the knife should be pulled out. “We’ze got a game to getz to,” they slur.

Lexie screws up, and Meredith catches it in time. Meredith runs out to the parking lot to stop Mitch because she thinks he’s having a stroke. And she’s right. The stretcher takes Mitch back into the hospital and up for a Cat Scan (CT). Carrot Top Bitch checks the time on her iPhone. Next, she’ll be searching FaceBook friends for a replacement date. If he dies, his parents and their closest friends are guaranteed a Tweet.

“He uses an awful lot of product on his hair. How long does he need to rest on my Prada?”

Carrot Top Bitch is on the phone whining about how lucky SHE is that Mitch wasn’t driving HER in the car when he stroked out. Meredith approaches her and assures her that the stroke was caught early. She wants to know if he’s going to be okay to make their Aspen trip in a week. Even if Mitch is miraculoulsy discharged, she should turn down that trip. Here’s a tip, lovers. The last place you want to go with a mate you’ve been horrible to is a place with high mountains, dense woods and coyotes.

While Mark is talking major surgery for Stewball, Avery suggests they simply pull the knife out. Mark makes a comment about the Huskie’s game being the reason Avery id suggesting a quick fix. Lexie comes to Avery’s rescue with a more respectable reason for his recommendation. If Lexie plans to starting dating Avery, she’s going to have to do that a lot. Dating down ain’t easy.

Meredith pulls Lexie out of Stewball’s room to let her know she almost killed Mitch and made his wife a rich, widow free to prey on the next overly tolerant man. Callie interrupts their conversation to snap at Meredith for not telling her that Adele is the ortho patient waiting in the E.R. See that’s a woman hopped up on hormones—curt, quick and claws out! I don’t know what the writer’s were thinking while putting together the show’s open, making Meredith all cheery.

When Meredith tries to thank Adele for lying to The Chief earlier, Adele is clueless. Meredith ask if Adele hit her head when she fell, but doesn’t stay by her bed long enough for an answer.

Teddy is ready to go out with her date who she finds still chatting with her husband. Meredith appears and shows Teddy Oliver’s chart. Teddy gives her date the option of rescheduling or waiting a little longer. He’s not-so-handsome and a little desperate; what a winning combo.

Every woman wishes her husband and boyfriend could get along this well.

Meredith tells Oliver his second x-ray stinks and he needs a CT to rule out stuff. Stewball’s team is analyzing his x-rays and discussing the possibilities of infection in the other room. Since there was no adult supervision, Stewballs’s friend slips the knife out of his head. How much do you wanna bet the hospital invoice will still include a charge for the extraction? Stewball has a small headache, which doesn’t compare to the pain he’s felt during his many hangovers.

An ouchie

Meredith is still promising Nathan that he’ll be taken to an O.R. to have his legs reset as soon as possible. This family wins Seattle Grace’s Most Passive Family award. If he was my son, and this weren’t a television show, I would’ve tried to break Meredith’s legs by now so I can see how long it takes her to be treated.

While trying to find a place for his 6:30 date with Meredith, Derek walks in on Bailey and Eli playing doctor with no scrubs in resident’s sleeping room, which I’m officially renaming the STD Lounge. Remember, that room was probably the breeding ground for that outbreak of syphilis back in Season One. Derek doesn’t tell Meredith what he saw and never intends to. The two hop on an elevator where Derek promises Meredith he’ll be “in and out” in no time. I’m not sure if Meredith is expecting a poke bigger than a needle stick, but that’s all she gets. It’s all for their future fictious baby.

“Hey, it’s not your turn.”

After Derek’s hops off—the elevator, not Meredith—Karev and Dr. Feel Me Up hop on. Since she helped Karev sign his charts Dr. Feel Me UP is expecting to be invited to the game or so she says. As soon as Karev says he’ll dump Avery and take her, she declines his offer. Dr. Feel Me Up is on-call, but wanted to see if she could get Karev to ask her. She says this with a completely straight face. There’s not so much as a flirty smile. One word, bipolar. Run Karev. Run like the wind. Crazy women flock to him like hoarders at a flea market.

“So which pysch meds are you on?”

Nathan’s father explain how an after-hours clinic initially misdiagnosed four-year-old Nathan, sending him home the night before without meds to ease the pain. Then, this morning the pediatrician sends them to Seattle Grace where they’ve been waiting. Oddly enough, this man is still using the word “please” as he begs the nurse for help. The story stops Karev in his tracks. But he’s still wearing his coat like someone who is leaving any minute.

Karev is questioning Meredith about Nathan, she finds out that his O.R. is being prepped, The Chief is reaming her out about ordering a head CT for Adele and she learns that Oliver is coding in the scanner. Meredith hears all of this at one time. Meredith runs to where Oliver is and shocks him back to life. Teddy says that Oliver needs surgery stat. There isn’t an O.R. available so Meredith gives Teddy the one that’s been prepped for Nathan. Teddy’s thinking, “damn, I was this close to getting some action tonight.”

Teddy and Meredith are rushing Oliver to an O.R. and time is of the essence. Teddy starts stripping down in the elevator. No, she isn’t going to give him the last lap dance of his life; she needs to be ready to suit up as soon as they hit the O.R. She and Meredith don’t even have time to scrub. Thank goodness for pocket-sized hand sanitizer. The elevator doors open, and it’s on.Teddy tell Meredith she’s only been able to save three patients with this diagnosis. Unfortunately, Oliver isn’t her fourth.

“Why do I have to walk into the light?’ Didn’t dude with the knife in his head walk back out the front door?”

We’re in the last five minutes of what seems like the longest hour of Meredith’s life. She’s watching babies in the nursery when Yang comes to comfort her about losing Oliver. Meredith explains to Yang that her agreeing to be Callie’s child’s Godmother feels like she’s saying Meredith won’t have one. Yang does what any BFF would do and says she’s going to have the uncomfortable conversation with Callie. It’ll probably go something like “I know I’m the only friend you haven’t pissed off or screwed, but you’re baby is going to have to go in the system if you, Arizona and Mark kick the bucket.” “After the baby’s born, maybe you guys should stop riding to work together.”

The Chief is taking Adele home. He tells Meredith that her CT scan was clean. But Meredith knows that a retiree who says she fell after work while getting Christmas ornaments out in February sounds a bit eccentric (the politically correct word for insane). The Chief tells Meredith that she has Alzheimer’s on the brain. He says, “Adele is not your mother, Meredith, she’s my wife.” Too bad The Chief didn’t remember that fun fact when he was creeping around on her.

“Grrrrrr.”

Back in the E.R., Meredith hears Oliver’s phone playing the tip-off ringtone and realizes it’s his son Max. She answers and asks Max if she can speak with his mom. Meredith goes in a room, closes the door and wipes her nose with her hand. Tears often began with a little snot. But Meredith, you’re a doctor; for goodness sakes, use a tissue.

Mitch is recovering and stable enough to realize that Carrot Top Bitch’s concern about their non-refundable Aspen trip is really wrong. He cancels all their trips. He can’t believe he put up with her for two years. Neither can I. It took us, the viewing audience, five minutes to realize she was as charming as a drunk Mel Gibson. He boots her out of the room and then asks her to wait. He’d like the house key back. Now that’s how ya kick an ex to the curb.

Henry who has spent the last hour with Teddy’s date wants her to know that he wears driving gloves, lived above his mother’s home until recently and uses the word “shan’t.” Henry concluded that “we” could do better. She walks off with what’s his face. She looks back at Henry a few times. Is she thinking, “but, he’ll probably live longer than you”?

Stewball checks out of the hospital against doctor’s orders. Avery escorts him and his buddy to  a cab and tells Stewball to drink plenty of liquids. That’s like telling a crackhead to become a rock collector. No offense, Mr. Sheen.

Karev gave up his ticket to reset Nathan’s legs so Avery invites Lexie. I like those two together. One’s intellectually immature and the other’s emotionally immature. Maybe they’ll balance each other out.

Dr. Feel Me Up watches Karev from the gallery in true stalker form.

“You gave up floor seats to the Huskies for this. You ain’t too smart are ya? Can I see another doctor?”