Grey’s Anatomy: F Ain’t for Friendly

The attendings and residents of Grey’s are back to bitching, begging, humping and weeping now that there’s no pesky gunman threatening their sanity. Thankfully, after 58 minutes of monotonous bullshit, we were treated to a fresh and unexpected twist.

The day starts at Mer’s place where she and Derek sit disappointedly clutching a stick of pee. Derek’s studly sperm not only have to contend with Mer’s hostile uterus, but they have to find an egg that doesn’t have a stank attitude. See, bad math isn’t the only reason 1+1 ain’t adding up to 3.

Torres’ morning is off to a piss poor start too. She’s in her bathroom mirror bawling her eyes out. She walks out of her front door with Mark and sees Arizona moving boxes into the place across the hall. That girl is like a bad hemorrhoid. The harder Torres strains to keep it moving, the more often Arizona pops up.

You’re making me itch. Is there some sorta ointment that’ll make you disappear?

This time Arizona has bought out the subletters in Torres’ old apartment and is moving in. Torres leaves nothing for misinterpretation. She ends her tirade with a blunt, “get your crap out of my apartment.” We hear Cee-lo in the background singing “Cry Baby” and I don’t know why. It’s okay for everyone to play musical penises in the nude on ABC at 9 p.m., but the polite version of the song “Fuck You” is unacceptable?!

At the hospital, Chief Webber has paired the residents with first year medical students. He lets them know that he’ll be watching because the race for chief resident is on. Avery isn’t happy that his student is pale, chubby and male while Karev’s is brown, curvy and flirty. Is plotting on new students and attendings—remember the shirtless Teddy incident—the only way Avery can get a little action? He’s looks doable enough, but I suspect women can sense his high estrogen level from a mile away.

It’s a joke to single out anyone at Seattle Grace and label them unprofessional, but if we did, Mer’s student would be it. She’s telling Mer how relieved she is that Mer isn’t “cold and dead inside” (I sprained my laugh muscles) and gushing over Mer’s man candy. Yang’s student, on the other hand, is begging for a stimulating conversation about medicine. For a woman who was giving free lap dances a few weeks ago, Yang’s nose is so high in the air Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon couldn’t bring it down. Although Dr. Murray, his last physician, could make sure she never breathes through it again.

I don’t need a scalpel to make a living; I’ve got an ass.

Meanwhile, Eli—Dr. Bailey’s male nurse boy toy—has been flapping his gums to Teddy’s fake husband, Henry. The two them nearly blab the news about Eli and Dr. Bailey playing doctor after hours. The conversation is almost back on track when Teddy comes in the room. She tries to slither out, but Henry says there’s my wife. Chief Webber now knows that Teddy put her medical license at risk and that Dr. Bailey has a v-jay jay. And she may have used it.

Outside, the “stupid meat wagon” has arrived with a man stampeded by a team of horses and his belligerent groom, Kyle. As if their domestic partner day wasn’t special enough with tuxes and kilts, Kyle added three horses and bag pipers. Torres puts her bitch back in the box long enough to kindly ask Kyle to step outside of the treatment room. Kyle begins his Gay Rights 101 lecture. Without so much as a “you’re preaching to the choir” look, Torres has his ass kicked outta there. As annoying as bag pipes are to the human ear if Kyle didn’t think that horrid sound would scare a horse or three, he needs to be put in time out.

“And I am telllling you, I’m not gooooing.”

Arizona is chewing Mark’s ear off. And mine. I wish Torres would go back to her so she can shut the hell up. Arizona thinks that Torres can’t forgive her because she thought that Arizona was perfect and now that Arizona has made a mistake Torres is flipping out. Arizona must’ve picked up a vicious case of malaria in Malawi because this bitch is delusional if she thinks she’s flawless.

After evaluating Sarah, a patient born without cheekbones due to a rare genetic condition, Arizona and Mark disagree on the best treatment plan. At 15-years old, she’s only been able to participate in activities that “don’t involve things flying at my face.” But, she “rocks at chess club,” her mom adds. Now I know why I’ve never heard “rock” and “chess club” in the same sentence. It’s ridiculous. In two weeks Sarah wants to try out for volleyball, but Teddy’s skull replant means an extra year of healing. Mark’s experimental procedure doesn’t. I predict the surgeon with the bigger balls will win.

It seems as if Kyle is getting ready to march a gay right’s parade through Brady’s room. “Stop trying to kick me out,” he snarls when the team tries to protect him from watching them snap Brady’s neck back into place. To appease and torture Kyle, Torres gently instructs him to hold Brady’s hand. If Kyle ever regains the use of that hand again, he should use it to cover his mouth the next time he puts his foot in it.

Henry finds out that he’s having more than a tumor and adrenal gland removed; he’ll also be saying goodbye to a kidney. Worst of all, he finds out from Yang’s rambling, imbecile like student. But first, he wants to know what Teddy thinks.

Mark has the team present Arizona with the benefits of performing the experimental procedure on Sarah. When Arizona stops them mid-syllable, Mark calls her a “crappy listener.” He lets Arizona know that there’s a lot more wrong with her than the fact that she smokes. Way to manipulate, Mark.

Shhh. Can you talk softer? The only voice I want to hear is my own.

Living up to the word “boy” in “boy toy,” Eli tells Chief Webber that Dr. Bailey is dating a nurse. His timing couldn’t have been worse. Chief Webber was still fuming that he had to consult with Teddy on Henry’s case. Let’s hope Chief Webber doesn’t let Jack in on the consultation, too. (Jack Daniels, that is. These fools are going to send him back to rehab.)

Have I mentioned that Mer has being peeing on sticks all day? Did she not pass biology? This tidbit is as irrelevant as Karev flirting with his student. We expect her to obsess and him to whore.

“I’m a stuck up, self righteous bitch,” Arizona admits and then asks Mark to re-explain the experimental surgery. Sarah begs her parents to let her be a dumb jock instead of the depressed, strung-out, anorexic teen she’ll become if she’s denied what she’s truly wants. Teens everywhere should use this same argument to get an iPhone.

In Chief Webber’s O.R., we learn that Henry will have to loose his pancreas too. Chief Webber asks Teddy—his emergency contact—if Henry has the support system to manage diabetes. When she responds I dunno, he rips Teddy a new one.  How could she make a decision as big as marriage without even sharing basic information like “how he wants to live or die”?

Yang actually tries to help her student without kissing up to Chief Webber, mostly because he’s nowhere in sight. Afterwards, the student apologizes to Yang for the unkind evaluation he gave her and the reference to her being heartless. Get real Yang; Chief Webber won’t be surprised. The real you, not the post-trauma you, couldn’t fake sensitivity any more than Katherine Heigl could fake gratitude.

This role is sexist. Grey’s has bad material. Please nominate someone more deserving.

While watching Henry from the hallway, Teddy asks Dr. Bailey her opinion on their inappropriate marriage. Bailey rattles on about how she and Eli aren’t dating; they’re having fun. She said he’s pretty, but she wouldn’t have him at her house. Does that mean they’re only doing it in hotels and public places? Freaky, sneaky, Dr. B. She finishes by saying that Eli’s inappropriate, but she’s going with it. “Why the hell not?”

During Sarah’s surgery, Arizona rattles off a laundry list of all her faults to Mark and says that he’s like family so he adds “patronizing” to her list.

As Teddy is talking to a post-op Henry she learns he has no one else in the world. His parents are dead, his sister is broke in Prague, his best friend’s wife won’t let him come out and play, and he changes jobs whenever he maxes out the health insurance so he has no co-worker friends. Henry is officially too pitiful to pound. Better stock up on your D batteries, Teddy.

Although Avery’s student is full of uselss sayings; Yang’s doesn’t know a spleen from a liver; and Mer’s is texting in the O.R. they give the residents they shadowed horrible reviews or big fat “F”s. Chief Webber says Karev seems to be the only one who taught his student today. Obviously, Karev provided a home tutoring session too because his student is prancing around the house pants-less later that night.

At the end of the day, Arizona decides to take heed to Mark’s last piece of criticism. She catches Torres on the elevator and admits that she bails when things get tough. But then Arizona points the finger at Torres saying that one of her faults is an inability to forgive. Torres figures if Brady can forgive Kyle for nearly killing him then maybe she should see how bad Arizona wants her back. Torres drops the baby bomb. I pick my jaw up off the floor. Am I shocked that she’s pregnant or shocked that Mark—like ODB, rest his soul—oh baby, likes it raw.

I’m about this big so condoms don’t fit too well.