Grey’s Anatomy: Skanks Need Love Too

This episode begins with the patients in the Alzheimer’s dementia clinical trial reciting a few words Mer asked them to remember several months ago. “Hip Hop the Hippie the Hippie to the Hip Hop, a you don’t stop.” As you’ve guessed by now those weren’t really the words. But seeing 80s rapper’s wearing V-neck sweaters, slacks and sideburns would’ve been a more exciting show opener than watching patients say “truck,” “cabin” and “spoon” repeatedly.

Chief Webber offers Mer a chance to participate in a Type 1 Diabetes clinical trial based on an idea found in one of her mother’s journals. After seeing Mer’s “are you f-ing kidding me” face, Derek tells her to give it some consideration, letting her know that it’s her choice. Throughout the Chief’s pitch to Mer, Derek looks confident with a smidgen of smug. He knows he’s got Mer on lockdown. She’s not leaving his side.

“I’ve got to save myself so I’m sticking with this Alzheimer’s study no matter how many holes we have to drill in people’s heads.”

In the Lesbian Love Den, Arizona is trying to force a kale and apple juice smoothie “with chunks” on coffee-craving Callie. Mark enters and Callie turns to him for support. He’s about to give it until Arizona morphs into the grim baby reaper and starts listing the birth defects caused by caffeine. It’s no wonder Arizona flew back across the world for Callie. Who else would want her? They have a hands-up vote, “goo” vs. coffee. “Goo” wins and Callie drinks. Egyptian parliment take note.

Endangering the welfare of a child

The residents are in the locker room preparing for a hard day of flirting, opening charts and eating lunch. Mer rants about having to make a choice about the new clinical trial she’s been offered. Yang compares Mer’s dilemma to the film “Sophie’s Choice.” Then Yang (who is Jewish) tells Lexie it’s a must-see comedy. Yang probably considers Saving Private Ryan a real knee-slapper too.

Bailey bursts into the locker room rambling about Thatcher Grey—Mer and Lexie’s dad—being a difficult patient. He was admitted to Seattle Grace with abdominal pains an hour ago, but Mer and Lexie knew nothing about it. Bailey sends Lexie to get some answers from dear ole dysfunctional dad. According to Bailey, the situation calls for “someone who speaks Grey.” Does that mean someone fluent in dark, twisty, manic euphoria and everything illogically insane?

Yang’s bummed out because all she has is a Ronald McDonald look-a-like that loves her while Mer has McHottie and two groundbreaking clinical trials. Maybe love and Yang are a toxic mix like Pop Rocks and Pepsi. Loving Burke caused Yang to put her medical license in jeopardy. Loving Owen is making her put her life in jeopardy because I swear I’m ready for Grey’s to kill her weepy, whiny, needy ass off the show.

Wanted: New writer for award-winning television drama. Ex-soap opera writers need not apply.

On the hospital floor, Karev acts like he’s Mark—trying to pick up a nurse with a clever line. What happened to Karev’s old technique—smile at her, grope her naughty bits and then pull out his penis? No doubt, after this encounter he’ll go back to the direct approach. After referring to a brain-dead NICU patient as a “turnip in the cabbage patch,” he discovers that the nurse he’s been trying so hard to impress is the new OB Lucy Fields. She delivered the turnip. When Karev says she’s overreacting to his idiot comments, she bans him from the NICU. He may want to burn his copy of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People as soon as his shift ends.

“Sorry, I have no home training.”

While Lexie is chastising him for not calling her to discuss his pain, Thatcher is trying to update her on some changes in his life. He should’ve talked faster. Before he could finish in walks Dannie, his new, young girlfriend that he met at Alcoholics Anonymous. C’mon Lexie, Thatcher was missing his estranged daughters so he found someone new to spank and call him “Daddy.”

Dannie warns Lexie she may not want to hear about the “pain incident” she’s discussing with Dr. Bailey. Pretending to be more medical professional and less immature adult, Lexie responds “I’m a doctor.” Soon Lexie’s twitching and making sounds as if she’s going to vomit from hearing how Daddy Grey gets his swerve on when Dannie’s on top.

Avery is on Mark’s service and instead of talking about his clinical skills, Mark wants to discuss how Avery is genetically blessed. Speaking from experience of course, Mark tells Avery that in the plastics discipline Avery’s face is better than a “100 billboards.” Suddenly, the resident who has been removing his shirt, flashing his smile and twinkling his green eyes to get more time in the he O.R. prefers not to be objectified.

While discussing Randy, her “Jackass” wannabee patient who launched himself into a brick wall with a self-built human sling shot, Callie asks April to change her speaking voice. Callie must be selectively tone deaf because Arizona’s voice sound awfully similar to April’s, if you ask me. Callie needs caffeine or at least April out of ear shot just to finish looking at the x-rays of Randy’s dislocated hips. My only recourse for not hearing Arizona’s chipper, superior sounding voice is turning the channel.

“I’m going to take my coffee money and get her a voice coach. Ick.”

Lexie is harassing the lab tech for Thatcher’s results. She threatens to report the unsatisfactory service she’s receiving to his supervisor. He responds “This isn’t the mall, we don’t have comment cards.” Ironically, Lexie often acts the age of a mall rat. She’d be a shoe-in for a remake of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” Mark arrives wanting to help her get what she needs, but Lexie tells him that her day is too messed up to have him in it too. He looks hurt but is really hatching a plan.

Karev continues his reign as Asshole of the Day. He walks into his former patient’s room and blurts out that if the couple doesn’t consent to an emergency C-section so that their premature baby can receive a transplant, the donated heart will go to another family. Like a senior citizen who polished off an extra cheese pizza, Karev knows how to clear a room. When talking to Arizona about why he was removed from the case, Karev is annoyed that Dr. Fields “tattled” on him and admits to saying way worse things.

Mark offers Avery a chance to take the lead on a rhinoplasty in exchange for finding out how Lexie is coping with their breakup. He’s going to ask a “genetically blessed” man to befriend the ex whose heart he has broken twice. Med school must not be as hard as I think it is if these fools finished it.

In the break room, Callie is pouring a hot cup of Joe when the Fetus police, Arizona, arrives and guilts her into putting it down. After Callie storms out, Arizona tells Teddys she’s been left out and now she’s going to have a voice. My bad, I thought she actually gave a damn about the health of the baby.

When Lexie tells Mer she needs to go see their father, Mer asks in a monotone voice if he wants more organs. Lexie begins telling an uninterested Mer about Thatcher’s 20-year old, tatted up girl toy. Like an obedient flunkie, Avery asks Lexie if she wants to talk to him about it.

Outside of the Labor and Delivery Room, Karev waits in an attempt to rejoin the case he’s been thrown off of. Arizona stops him in his tracks.

Giving new meaning to the saying “snitches get stitches,” Avery dishes to Mark about Lexie’s troubles. But he still doesn’t get to take the lead on the promised surgery because Mark wants him to feed Lexie peanut butter cups until she blabs. This time Mark boosts the booty. If Lexie talks, Avery can scrub in on a cleft palate, which would improve his chance of becoming chief resident. Poor stupid Avery; he has as much chance of winning the race for chief resident as I have of winning a Pulitzer for this TVgasm recap.

In a creepy voyeuristic way, Lexie, Yang and Mer glare at Thatcher and Dannie’s barely legal make-out session. Before going to scrub in on the baby transplant, Yang warns Mer to be careful because if she messes with one of Hell’s Angels, she’s messing with all. When Thatcher has another pain episode, Lexie and Mer run in the room to help. Dannie who is obviously too blonde to know she should step out of the way now gets reamed by Lexie. That’s the first time Lexie’s ever commanded attention in a room without using tears.

“I think me and Tatted Up Skank were in the same kindergarten class.”

But Lexie’s back in brat mode when uber blonde Dannie start freaking out about cancer at the mere mention of the word “prostate.” Lexie says, “that’s what happens when your boyfriend is an old man. Old men get cancer.” Lexie even has the nerve to tell Dannie that freaking out and jumping to conclusions like a little child isn’t going to do Thatcher any good. So that only works when Lexie does it? She also tells Dannie she’s not his family, she’s his mid-life crises and then walks out. She needs to put herself in time out.

Callie is ready to shove Randy’s dislocated hips back into place, but his cameraman Marcus is in the way. Callie tells April to speak to the camera so they can get to the O.R. April asks “in my normal voice?” I thought the show only lightened April’s hair; obviously, they stripped down her IQ too. Randy suggests the doctors do the procedure in his room while he’s awake so he can give the thumbs up to the camera while Marcus is filming. “It’s for the art,” he insists. So Owen wickedly obliges. Owens my new BFF. But like a virgin on prom night, Randy cries at the first touch.

“I wonder what my friend the Hamburglar is doing right now”?

Up in the gallery, Karev says I’m sorry to Dr. Fields, but tells her that she overreacted. Aren’t insincere apologies the absolute best?! Karev also says he deserves to be in the O.R. because it’s his patient. Karev still doesn’t get the green light. He does get to hear how after 40 hours of labor Dr. Field’s patient was still pushing. She tells him how promising a woman a baby is all it takes to get her to tear her body apart. So she’s lost interest in what he deserves. After that heart wrenching story so have I.

Lexie tells Mer that Thatcher has kidney stones and says he deserves the pain. Lexie has figured out his M.O. He gets a new family and stops talking to the old one. Next, he’ll marry Dannie, have 6 little mid-life crises babies and she’ll never hear from him again like Mer didn’t. Mer reminds Lexie that Ellis cheated, moved Mer across the country, and Lexie’s mom died. Mer defends Thatcher’s happiness and tells Lexie she needs to grow up. I bet she’s heard that more than Gary Coleman, rest his soul.

“I’ve gotten used to boobies on my head.”

Back in the O.R. with the baby receiving a new heart. An extra cheery Arizona says of course the baby likes her new heart, “it’s delightful.” But then the baby’s blood pressure drops. When Dr. Fields sees the sick look on Karev’s face, she believes he cares. Yep, nothing says I’m not a bastard like the “I care so much I could puke” face. When the baby pulls through, Karev and Dr. Fields share a two second stare that doesn’t wreak of hate.

The Chief tracks Mer down to ask her about her decision. He says that the trial is Ellis’s work and she owed it to Mer. He knows that Mer’s mother didn’t give her a lot of love, but she gave Mer her talent, name and this career-changing trial. Mer face still says “I’d rather play pin the tail on the donkey in a closet with a blind man holding a machete.”

Callie’s caffeine withdrawal has her rationalizing Randy’s stupid stunt as a need to have control over his body. Although he’s still sedated, the two are now comrades in battle. A public enemy should be playing in the background right about now.

Avery offers Lexie her first piece of candy and she takes the bait. She eats one and starts flapping her gums. He’s sliding more candy her way when she tells him that Mark is having a baby and didn’t ask her opinion. Since Lexie walked out immediately, when was Mark supposed to ask . Lexie says he’s leaving her behind again so they’re done again. Avery’s conniving look changes into concern. And it’s still sexy, especially since he’s not talking. Lexie has a moment of maturity when she realizes that her dad’s tatted up skank isn’t the bitch, she is. Thank goodness. Arrested adolescence isn’t cute unless your SpongeBob SquarePants.

“Nothing is more calming than a little coffee with my Mad Dog 20/20.”

Avery lies to Mark and says peanut butter cups got him nowhere. Mark still tells him to scrub in. Avery thought no results, meant no surgery. Mark says I’m not a “total bastard.” He should take a poll.

Lexie comes in to see how Dad is doing and she (in a calm voice) asks Dannie to make sure that he calls her. Dannie tells Lexie that she’s almost 5 years sober and that she and Thatcher support each other. Then Lexie asks her if the tat on her shoulder is a hooker. Lexie needs to keep her inner bitch on a short leash. Dannie explains that she was drunk. Or perhaps the hooker is her family coat of arms.

Does the hooker’s fire symbolize an STD?

Marcus the cameraman asks Owen if Randy was the worse case he’s seen. Owen tells him a war story about the injuries of a soldier dying on a grenade to save six other soldiers. Randy finally ask Marcus to turn the camera off. Did Owen’s story reach him or does he love a dramatic ending?

In The Chief’s office, Mer tells him that she doesnt’ know that woman in the journals. That’s why she gave them to him. And he should continue Ellis’s work, but she wants to cure her disease. Not the herpes she told Karev about last week, the Alzheimer’s.

Avery invites Lexie to Joe’s for a drink. Of course, he’s changing his shirt while doing it. She says not tonight but maybe tomorrow. Avery flashes us his sexy smile. He’s crushing and it’s not on himself.

Karen and Dr. Fields are in the elevator together. He apologizes for her patient and she says she’s happy for his. He starts to ask “do you want to get a…” She blurts out “no” before he can finish. Here’s proof that persistance doesn’t always pay off. It can lead to a stalking charge.

Back in the Lesbian Love Den, Mark and Arizona are making Callie dinner. She comes in with coffee and announces that she’s going to have one cup a day. Also, if everyone gets a vote, Callie gets three; her’s, the baby’s, and her va-jay jay’s. She gets a very special vagina vote because she’s pushing the baby “out of a very small hole” in her body. Does that mean that Mark has a wiggle worm instead of a one-eyed snake?

That evening Mer tells Derek that she chose him. And Derek tells her that the data is consistent; the treatment is “not not working.” Oh no, Derek’s has become fluent in Grey.